Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Change Of Events

A female friend I supposedly had a crush on Facebook just posted on her status that she is dating a guy that she likes. Well, that sucks for me. I guess I'm not the right person for her. Well, her comments started getting a little too raunchy for me, and she has posted a lot of sexy photos of herself posing.

On the flip side, I did meet a really nice lady online. I really like how we had an ongoing relationship going via e-mail. I'm starting to not really mind the idea of entertaining the thought of dating different people. The way I'm looking at it is if we established something and then something didn't quite work out, then I'm not on a leash anymore and get to keep on trying again with another. The only thing that I'm going to fight so hard to keep is after I get married, I'm going to guard and treasure it with all of my heart; regardless of the person I end up with. Hopefully, she doesn't get all suicidal with me.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Daily Tasks At Hand

I'm currently building a Magic The Gathering deck which is pretty powerful and costs about $200. I'm almost done with it, or that's what I usually say to myself, but I always seem to make new additions to it every once in awhile. I might even start building a new deck. I just need to find my crowd of people who are really into it and just start playing some games with them to just have some fun. My deck has a few killer cards that put the advantage on my side. Actually, all of my cards make a significant contribution because they are all categorized as rare or mythical. Every card I'm playing has that level of effect and they all work so well together, so I was told that I'm going 70 miles an hour by a buddy when it's up and running.

I need to get an oil change and don't really want to do it myself. I need to get the brakes fixed on my car also. I need to get a car wash. I also need to fix the cover of my convertible. I have some normal maintenance issues with it that I should take care of. I need to start reading the Bible because I just keep talking about it and not doing it. The same goes well into upgrading my physical fitness level. I guess a lot of the things that I'm trying to do feels a little overwhelming for me, so I naturally forget to do it. I think I just need to be able to embrace the challenge and to just go for it. I'm going to try to prioritize as well now.

What I Plan To Try Posting More Often

I'm gearing myself to actually studying every verse of the Bible now and see how they all tie together in one giant setting. The only, primary weapon I see against the Bible is pretty much doubting in the faith. Other than that, with the people who do accept it and don't seem that strong in the Word, I think they might have some mental or emotional issues which causes them to act out of proportion. I can't really blame the Bible for believers who can't live up to the faith and tick a lot of other people off.

I actually was born with a large head and when I'm making sense out of stuff, it actually sounds very obvious. The thing about it though is that it's not really thought about while being in action and can easily be ignored while carrying out some mental or emotional tasks. I just might turn this blog into my daily devotion of reading the Bible and how my life has been going. I think it could be a place where I just start sharing, but I don't really like that word because it seems to me it's like talking about how great of a person you are from being faithful. I believe that encourages idolizing the wrong people because the one believers should be worshiping is Jesus. From what I heard which is very true, people are going to disappoint you if you fully rely on them. I'm asking not to rely on me for tasks I don't even understand and have no emotional attachment to, but a few people with problems imposed that on me. I guess I'm sorry I can't live up to their expectations, but I do want to help them get over it because it deals with me and that will just completely satisfy me!

Stuff I Won't Talk About It

I guess I either really suck at poker or I'm just not really cut out for figuring out the math and just constantly find myself in the wrong situations, so therefore it would constitute myself to be just gambling on winning hands. I'm not going to be relying on poker for making a living then; I think it will just suck the living fun out of my life. The only total value I really see in it on the long run is that it could entertain others in society and that's just about it.

I guess I'm just a sore loser then and should be just letting it go. I think the only time I'm playing poker then would be to just have fun and end up giving my money to others eventually. The whole trading and investing aspect is also really risky but could be rewarding. I'm not going to talk about it or even brag about my successes with anyone now. I'm going to just leave it on the down low. I think it's an incredibly sensitive topic and even turns women off with all of the losses that could be accumulated from making mistakes.


Parrying A Whole Lot

It seems like I'm planning a lot of stuff in my head, but not acting out on them. I imagine myself in the motion of the act and find that it could be a waste of time. Even though it might not feel good for me, I think I'm just committed to making things work out even with the smallest things. I did make a few pledges with those people with emotional problems, so I'm going to have to live out my promises I made with them first before going any further now. They can have their years of more emotional pain and discomfort that could accumulate with other stuff happening to them. Helping them solve their issue with me is just going to bring me satisfaction, but they might still have a significantly large amount of other unrelated issues pending afterwards.

While in this motion of parrying, I'm going to pray for their lives to the Lord with a wholesome and loving heart. I'm going to pray for the ones who attempted to give me a hard time and failed; basically, the ones who received a hard time from me just making a minimal amount of effort. Hey, it happens to brilliant people every once in awhile, so it can't really hinder my confidence that much! I'm trying to stay humble which is difficult with those people with emotional issues looking dumb to me.

Been Awhile

I haven't really posted on this blog for a long time or that's just how it feels after a few weeks. I guess depending on how you look at it and if there are emotional problems involved, a few might find this site to be offensive. Anyway the way I look at it is that after almost six years having passed by which could feel like a lifetime, if no one has really been offended by my remarks and taken legal action to get this site taken down, then I guess I'm in clear waters and the people who were mad for any reason at me just have emotional problems to deal with.

A few individuals were going through a hard time with me by me just asking them a few questions like how are you doing? I think they were stressed out and having trouble managing their emotions. I might have got a little too close with them, but just ended up on their wrong side of the bed. Right now, I feel like helping those individuals because the issues they were stressed out about deals with me. I'm not that stressed out with my own life, but they are for some reason. If it didn't deal with me, then they wouldn't have kept on telling me that they don't want to talk about it. The sentiment of their feelings seem to within well range to discern that they can't handle their emotions too well at times and can't let it go.

I'm not frustrated with the events anymore and accept each and every one of those individuals now for their strengths and weaknesses, the things I like and hate about them. I think talking and settling on a matter that is troubling to them, which deals with me could encourage them to walk more favorably with the Lord. I see how my passionate pursuit of wanting to have a closer relationship with Jesus after studying the pages of the Bible could have a deeper meaning of communicating with them.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

What I Am Going To Do


I am going to pretty much dedicate myself a little more. Pretty much, I'm now getting to used to the idea of being with no girlfriend and suffering from having no hope of ever getting married. I figure now that the struggles I've been going through is in how it's really all about marriage anyway. Yeah, it wouldn't make sense for me to continue doing weird stuff that turns out to be bad on my end. I'm just going to toss it aside then and just keep on going.

I'm starting to just plain not care about a few things and just going to move on along with my life. I'm still a strong believer of Jesus and want to love him with all of my heart. I'm going to try to deal with my personal emotional problems and try to keep them from recurring. Everything that I'm dealing with is just plain normal for me. I need to be aware of that and to go above and beyond with where I'm headed. I think I'm just learning to be desensitized in areas that don't emotionally matter so much and becoming more sensitive and aware of things that are important.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

That Lingering Feeling

Yeah, it's pretty much that lingering feeling of craving something that's getting to me so much. I can't help it sometimes, but have to try to appease it. I realize that I get the urge to waste time with it, but I know that's pretty bad for me with the predicament I am in right now. Everything seems so peaceful for me right now, but right now there's really no special someone for me to share my life with. This is pretty much a challenge for me that I guess a lot of people go through, both men and women - old and young!

I guess I'm now facing a few challenges that others go through as well. I think I've just grown up to really enjoy playing some games while being mindless about it to just pass the time of feeling like I have nothing to do. I need to change that mindset now because I know that God has gifted me with an average capability of getting things done and going where I want to if I put a lot of time and effort into it.

It seems like the ladies I've associated with and gathered problems with me later have been pretty ugly and then when I see them later on, they become very pretty looking with boyfriends! Other moments, the cute and friendly girls I've talked to aren't even available. I guess that's the way life is sometimes- unexpected twists that just come your way. Maybe, it's just one round cycle that just goes around my personal life in trying to find someone to settle down with.

I don't really care now about the person's appearance, but I would like for her to not be really obese, lazy, and too old. I'm a little iffy about dating women just barely out of high school too, but if they are mature enough and into that kind of stuff, then maybe it's okay. I don't really care if she's been in relationships with other guys either now; if she can be happy with me, then I think we can settle and work at something. I guess her having kids too doesn't really bother me either that much. It's almost unconditional with how I'm looking at it, but the most important thing I want to go after is a woman who is very stable, nice, and a dedicated Christian.  All of this stuff is what I'm looking for, while along with working to settle my own personal grieving issues.

One Worry

The one worry I have is that from reading and studying the Bible to acknowledge the full sense of God's Word, apart from my own understanding, is that the spiritually-filled lifestyle I'm trying to live could really become more about appeasing my own personal endeavors and emotions. Nonetheless, it seems like there are times where I don't want to study the Bible and moments that I do. I've dealt with so many things at once that I've been having trouble moving on with and have grieved me at the same time. Those things don't really matter so much as what I have nice going.

Regardless of what happens, I'm just going to go after the Bible. This means that I'm going to have to completely rework around my life as usual in order to be able to let it be accepted even more into my own lifestyle.

Confidence

I think what I'm looking for this whole time is basically the right set of encouraging people I can open my heart to and be comfortable with. It's basically fixing myself and coming to grips with how certain things that I've been dealing with don't really matter. It then also becomes about living in suffering and not minding it so much while working hard to develop myself.

I just have that natural feeling of wanting to pursue after stuff and get better at things. I then get an emotional attachment over things that I struggle with and start grieving over any of those losses. I've recently managed to finally reach the acceptance stage with a few things, but it's still a work in progress. I don't know, the way I'm feeling about myself right now is that I know I could be a capably good husband and be a supporting dad, but I'm going to have to do something about my predicament where I'm starting to become numb about and occasionally want to become reckless over not feeling right about things.

Reaching the End of the Road

I think a lot of what happens really comes down to communicating and going after what appeals to you and then being mindful of others, if they have a problem with you. I believe that we've grown up with a system of values and beliefs that are always embedded with a culture of rewards and punishments to reinforce our social behavior.

Everything dealing with me is just so personal, and I'm just limiting the chaotic feelings that want to burst out of me right now. Maybe, I feel like the future has a bleak hope for me and it seems like right now I need to re-engage in a behavior of being patient and making the effort to get somewhere with my life. I don't think it really matters what age one decides to go on the journey of self-development.

It's going to be hard letting some things go when I can't obtain something at the moment. The feeling is indescribably very difficult to bear with, and maybe if I go off playing video games to blow off the frustrated feelings I have underneath me, it's really all based on successes that I'm making. It seems like I can only reach so far before I crumble and shake from reaching out to the unknown. I don't really have that much confidence in that area yet, but maybe I need to make sense of everything to the best of my ability and just move on.

Controlling My Mind Over Feelings

I'm having an extremely hard time with overcoming my personal feelings that are attached to actions and habits. I have this longing to play a massive amount of video games everyday. It wears me out with just the feeling of it, but if I engage in it for a long time with the rewarding level ups and progress, then I'm pretty much hooked on it.

I think the way that my mind and body might operate might be through some positive and negative reinforcements. I mean I could probably tell morally if it's a good thing or not, but I'm going to have a hard time bringing it to an abrupt halt.

Maybe I'm not really cut out to be anybody appealing or be at the spotlight with something. I'm just going to have to move on and just be constantly working hard at things that just appeal to me. I'm just different wherever I go and engage at. I don't even use swear words while interacting with people!

I'm just a really lucky guy in that I'm pretty mellow and when I get so angry and about to scare others, I don't really end up doing anything to them anyway and probably liked by those people with problems anyway. I've seriously had to emotionally persevere a little more than the average person, but the way I've been raised has been a grow up with. It's just what you make of it, and I've been sulking at it by doing stuff to try to waste my time, instead of coping with those emotional problems and working even harder.

Not The End Of The World

I guess I'll do my best to make myself happy, but if those things don't come to pass then oh well, I'll let myself suffer. I am actually finding it to be a joy to be in God's grace. I must have some weird tendencies with myself because I'm all about increasing my capabilities with performance.

I'm basically noticing for myself that I'm going to have some hits and misses. I'm going to get tossed around by the system and not pay attention to anything that's really going around me. By just constantly pursuing after something, I think I get looked upon as a pretty average person who gets a little admired by others.

I'm not sure what to really make of it, but I'm going to have to eventually make those wasteful activities come to a halt and the good things just keep on pouring.

Going To Keep On Trying

I don't think there's really any cure for my problems with engaging in typical behavior where I just lose track of time and not get anything done that's very productive and meaningful. I guess life sometimes doesn't really feel that great being alone and having all that free time to yourself and not doing anything useful with it.

I think I do have an opportunity at work but it's only about eight hours where I get to focus and do what I'm starting to enjoy doing. I need to get used to the fact that I might have made mistakes and done things to screw myself over. It's like when I'm in that state of mind, I end up doing some reckless behavior that I don't really let anyone know about.

I'm going to have to learn to cope and move on with things that are just out of reach. I can do my best to limit the damage some people placed on me, but I guess those are just building steps for me.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Posting From Phone

I am using the iPhone right now. One of my friends was able to show me a very speedy patented way of texting on his Blackberry. The Blackberry is so underrated these days, and there's also this hype of it being the official mobile phone used by White House officials! I am a little envious and wish I had access to that software .

These days it seems like those few people with emotional problems are pretty much ladies who want to just fret about their problems and leave me alone because they want to be left alone. I managed to salvage my relationship with my sister from choosing to accept her stupidity and moving on. They seem to try to make themselves more prettier at times. I seriously notice that from the times they looked a little less uglier. Maybe, they are trying to get back at the system or something but because I am better than the general crowd, they must be suffering!

Consistent Format

I'm going to try to write daily on this blog and dedicate it to my attempts in trying to make full sense and meaning of the Bible. I don't want to add my own personal preferences into the Bible, I want to just let God's Word flow into my heart and out onto this blog. Obviously, I'm not going to know everything about the Bible, but I would like to do the best I can to have an open heart that's ready to receive the fullness and grace of His glory!

I'm probably going to be switching it up quite a bit by talking about other stuff going on in my life. I'll do my best to be sensitive about my personal life and not offend anyone while letting out my thoughts, which can be very smart at times and overwhelm a good number of people who want to go against me. It's going to be just a dedication for myself because I figure that no one is really going to try to haunt nor stalk this online blog. I might as well do it as an accessory to help myself become better at communicating and see how my personal growth is occurring.

Becoming 100%

I would really like to become a very comprehensive 100% detail-orientated type of person and doing everything that makes me fully happy. This probably means that I'm going to have to let go of things that just waste my time and to spend my time focusing on good things. It's really difficult for my right now to factor in everything. I'm just leaving out a few important things because I'm spending most of my free time just lounging around. I'm going to have to become a more practical person in order to make myself happy.

I do things that are a lot of fun in general and is pretty cool to work towards achieving. I'm so different in a good way because of my faith in God. My belief in Jesus has changed my outlook so many times with how I want to conduct myself in this world. It's been hard and tough and at times, I'm not even trying to follow Jesus even though I've been embedded so strongly with his morals.

I'm ready to give in to the better things and to let go of the things that take away my time. I'm trying my best to make sense of them and to always remember it, but I guess that's really hard for me to so right now because I'm not hurting myself or anyone right now while engaging in my personal acts.

Letting Things Go

I guess I have issues right now where I'm not spending my time wisely the way I would like to. I realize it for myself because I just don't feel right with the usual rituals that I put myself in. It seems like there's always a connection where I become motivated about doing something before I go after it.

All in all, it's just my emotions playing tricks with myself. I think I've been having a hard time settling them all this time. I really want to not engage in those wasteful activities anymore, unless it has something that I really value. I think I really wasted my weekend by not doing the productive things that I really should have done. It's like another week wasted, even though I'm working and getting paid and all of that stuff. It's just my personal time, where I'm not really developing as I would like. I'm going to have to fix that sooner or later.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Focus

I'm going to let go of my addictions with being playful to myself. I like to play card games by myself like a weirdo because I built a Magic: The Gathering deck. All the spell cards on it are rare or mythic rare, which is another word for saying ultra rare! I just play those spell cards with myself and go underneath, "Oh yeah, I'm going to kick some ..." It's like a self-ritual of becoming a prideful warrior before I put myself in harm's way again. I tested the deck against a buddy's deck which used to beat me up so much; I ended up defeating his deck repetitiously finally!

I'm really going to stop watching T.V. even though what I said is generally a lie. I'm going to stop playing video games even though that's a lie too! I think in my head I'm thinking about this beautiful woman who is my Facebook friend and also single; I'm going to try to limit those imaginations even though that might be a lie. I interacted with her and it was funny to observe her getting angry on the post because I made fun of her in a smart way that made sense and everyone could laugh at and then take a mental slap from her while she turned cool with me again. She's a nice lady and also a beautiful person!

Admitting My Struggles

This month I've been really occupied thinking about a bunch of things and trying to really get into a productive mode while finally accepting everything that's happened to me. I've been just very inconsistent about a lot of things, so I think that's the very reason that caused a drop out with my readers on this blog.

I'm pretty aware that I'm a pretty harmless guy but can cause some true annoyances onto other people's lives. These people are just but a few and who have some emotional problems. I've finally managed to get one of those selfish individuals to like me again. I pretty much messaged him on Facebook, and this is no lie, he had unfriended me on Facebook and then blocked me, but then unblocked me again. Afterwards, I messaged him, and he responded back with a picture of a thumbs up symbol!

That's quite a ways gone now. Also that church who gave me some trouble looks incredibly bad now that I think of it. One question I have to ask is if they are really small because people see them as really quirky people or is it because they just have issues with people in general? They did act out weird against me because I set myself apart as different. If the general public who doesn't really worship God so vehemently like they might do while being under false, emotional pretenses doesn't fit in like I did, then could it be like so with most people? They pretty much played upon building a church while acting like very nice people- I pretty much screwed them over in that area because I did something they couldn't handle and then they blew up on me and others who were never in the scene might have got scared of them as well and ran off. I scared off some of the main people there who caused trouble for me; they are gone from that church now.

Yeah, I'm a big bad wolf in a way, without haven't meant to be that way intentionally. Or did I underneath, but my guilty conscience blocked my hypnotized stance of trying to screw them over while succeeding at it? It's all funny! I was grieving and going through those five stages of grief and finally made it to the amicable, acceptance stage!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Embracing and Letting Go of Bad Addictions

I realize afterwards that I made a stupid decision that affects me only all the time! I want to no longer be a single and middle-class working, young man. I want to be a married man to the most beautiful woman on the planet! I've been getting short-sighted all the time and allowing my own personal emotions to defeat me on a daily basis. I know that I'm losing out because my brain is just that smart for allowing my heart to notice.

It's from actually caring about spending a lot of time isolated from others and also having to put in so many boring hours to get to a place that I am not even certain of. I don't have any loyal direction that I can ensure myself with actual positive measures yet.

When I'm in the mood for something, it's very difficult for me to not give into it. I think when I hear sirens from an ambulance near my workplace, I get that scared feeling of how I shouldn't be breaking the law. It works really well for me and then I use my crafty brain to try to get around the system and do my thing! I've even succeeded and have a wild story or two to just keep to myself. I'm not much of a show-off when it comes to doing questionable deeds in a moral sense. I'm even too bored and lame to go commit anything bad that would violate others' rights. I might have motivation from being angry, but I know that the next stage for me would be depression. In a way, I think everyone would rather prefer being angry than depressed. Being depressed in this world really sucks!

Trying to focus my mind to go to work and forcing myself to eat up hours for earning pay is pretty depressing. There's nothing I can do about, but I do what I have to do. If I'm already depressed from being bored with my job sometimes, then maybe I can seriously cope with larger issues in life that would bring me down. Also, from having a willful mind I could just cope with the depressing issues.

Living Through Discomfort While Agitated

I realize that going after people who are unwilling to change might actually be a very bad idea. Being ignorant to a lot of things isn't really going to always make a person happy though. There's one problem to not knowing about something- if the issues suddenly take hold in your life, it becomes a struggle.

I think I made a couple of people feel angry from being a super, good writer and making them feel bad about themselves. They are definitely not really worth mentioning though because they do not really represent the general public. In other words, I'm saying that they are just a bunch of dumb Asians who have nothing better to do but spend time with each other with the very little precious time that we have. One of my buddies really suffer from trying to be very mindful about all the little details and not enjoying the hardship of living life with uncertainty.

I think the ideal person shouldn't really be bothered by anything that happens in this world. Even though I feel like a total wreck underneath, no professional has recommended me for getting therapy. Those dumb individuals were just going crazy with me and having a hard time managing their own feelings; I didn't do anything bad to them really. At the same time, I feel what the opposition might be thinking.

Okay, I have impressed upon myself in that I could literally be a great writer when I'm in the spur of the moment. It's during those times that I don't know of how great I'm actually being. Basically, I have an inconsistency of a stroke of genius but can't close it out. In other words, the very few people who are against me when compared to the general population want me to stop trying because they are afraid that I would succeed at something. I realize that the time I spend with dumb people have been a bad investment on my end, but I still love them for being human.