Wednesday, March 29, 2017

New Strategy of Accomplishing Goals

It looks like for a few months I was struggling with trying to handle getting in a nice supper and then going to work out. I would usually end up not going to the gym and just falling asleep while on the couch watching TV. I'm not about to go for that now.

I think I see what's going on in that I'm spending my time mindlessly on things that really don't have too much value to me anymore. I'm thinking like how I'm harmlessly not letting a lot of time pass by, but it eventually adds up to a few hours and then it becomes too late because I'm just too tired to do anything.

While being up now, I think I'm just going to hit the gym or do a work out. By having done this then I will have succeeded my task of reading the Bible, making currency trades, and working out at the bare minimum.

However, I do also want to play a little bit of music or song and dance, be able to socialize, do some cooking in between, and program stuff on the computer. This is pretty much my happy personal routine that I have set up for myself. To be able to share it with a lovely wife and kids would also be the bomb!

I think I understand what my dream is and it's really something that is going to take a lot of hard work. I don't really mind at all because at the same time, I'm enjoying the amount of hard work that I try to put into it. It feels joyfully renewing actually. It's feels like this so much that I don't really care too much about dwelling on the past for stupid people like stupid Lee and Washington and a few more who were just being plain dumb with me.

Back To Utilizing Time Management

Something that I've finally picked up on is that the cravings just come and go. It's like I have been doing well with not giving in those days and then it passes. If I'm not careful then when I'm desiring it again, then I'll slip up. It can also happen where I'm not really feeling anything at all either and just going for it like a numb skull!

With taking these high and low periods in mind, if I was able to hold off for at least a week and felt no dependency on whatever I was feeling obsessed over, then I should be able to fend off those desires or weird feelings that I'm getting repetitively on occasion. There will pretty much be that high and low struggle and then will come a moment of feeling peaceful and at rest before the agitation builds back up again. I think it's pretty much just reliving as a struggling guy over something that I was addicted too.

Simplifying Life Again

I definitely can't pass up socializing opportunities with this hot female friend of mine. She's pretty hot and I give her that, but I don't really feel like pursuing after her. I don't mind being friends with hot girls because she might be able to introduce me to another fine girl someday too. Something about this girl is that she looks hot from how she takes her of herself with her makeup and hair. Her friends are practically old and normal looking. It looks like she's the only one who stands out right now!

She's just a good hang out buddy then and a very good looking one. The physical attraction is going to still come and go and it's not something I want to base a relationship off of. I'm just slightly different in that area from having got used to those feelings. The fact that they come and go, it's not really worth bothering to go get filled up. I want something that's long lasting and friendship with her feels right. I don't feel much in the thought of lusting after her.

Practically my other guy friends have ended up liking her because they are sort of losers with the female crowd! I'm like if only they are able to open their eyes to the horizon and take better care of themselves then they could score a high quality and beautiful girl. Oh well, it's hard to get away from something habitually.

One of my buddies isn't able to adjust right away and just keeps on letting himself struggle. It's a bit frustrating but I guess that's how some people are and I was like that too for a time being. Sometimes you just have to start off easy and the level you are starting at could be too high. It's a struggle sometimes and that's where it becomes not that fun.

Hard Work Ethic

I've finally figured out that for a living I want to just invest and starting out with currency and also be a programmer of some sort. I find the idea of pursuing after a video game making a very cool idea. Of course on the side, I want to program other apps as well. I'm still trying to come around to do all this. On top of all this, I also have a little bit of musicianship and desire to dwell on cooking.

I guess from all of this, I'm definitely not going to have any time to just afford to play around by myself. I should really be utilizing my time to get these things done during my down time. I guess while waiting on other stuff to come around for me. I could just keep myself busy with this general healthy and happy making routine.

Scheduling Different

I've been trying to figure out how to get my work out in. It's been a little hard because I've been waiting on eating a meal right after coming back home. I think what I'll be doing now is after eating, I'll go ahead with trading and reading the Bible. Afterwards, I'll just prep up to go get a work out. In the meantime, while waiting for a work out, I could as well do the same thing.

I guess I don't really have time for playing silly games now and should go after building them. I think it's this personality of mine that feels like I don't really have time or anything.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Interesting Pick Up

I'm starting to gauge comfortably on my relationship situations now. I think I'm talking to a real girl across this country who I only talked to on the phone. She had a crazy hot accent, but sounded like a middle-aged woman or a dude on a voice changer. I looked up her name and can't reverse image search her photos that she sent. They come up with empty searches on the Internet. I think she's beautiful too.

I did find that her name connects to a middle aged woman so I'm like creating all these conspiracy theories that I want to be broken. I love her personality and the way she texts me back though. She really sounds like a real person who happens to also be busy. She sounds so cute and charming too based on her texts. I don't know but I might have met my match. I'm just holding on best I can, but not going to be disappointed if she is this 50 year old woman. I think I'll still love her anyway, but not pursue anything romantic. It would be just way too unsettling for me. Plus, I would consider it to be a drastic lie that could hurt a considerable amount.

With this other female friend, she looks great from working out and appearing thin. The physical attraction just comes and go and I ignore it with all of my heart, body, and soul. I look at it from natural point of view after disregarding those lustful temptations. She's pretty cool and I appreciate her a great deal, but I don't think she's even my type. She's really sweet too and I love that about her, but she isn't really in the market. It's one of those things where I don't really feel much about pursuing after her, but just like her for who she is mainly.

Oh Boy

Oh boy I'm trying to catch up with these posts again. I've been away from this blog for about a week and notice that I attracted a few readers. That's actually pretty cool if I was making some money off of it, but I'll just consider this doing a little bit of charity work and trying to humor myself from making myself  an open book!

I've picked up on the acoustic guitar lately and been having fun strumming to a tune. A really cool chick (yeah, she's a girl) is actually teaching me for free! She isn't fat or anything either really. She looks pretty normal and has been working out recently. That is so cool because I might get to see her transition into a very hot girl.

She's friends with some guy who runs a studio and he can get us hooked up with some cheap recordings of around $10 an hour. Man, I can seriously handle that and he even said they have a drum set too and he can play a little. I see that maybe we could form a band someday just for kicks and have fun with it. I want to play well obviously and it's just cool so I don't care if nobody listens to us like at an outdoor event.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Becoming Wiser

I think it's practically about just going for it this time around and being true to yourself. Well, I hope not to offend but loving the Biblical Jesus and others in God's image is the right way to go. I'm trying to convey that having a relationship with the Lord is something you can't go wrong in.

I'm going to try to pick up with where I left off in studying the Bible. I'm still stuck in the Old Testament after all this time! Yet the commentary I'm using is a great resource in keeping me up to date with the New Testament anyway. It's making some pretty cool connections, so I don't think I'm missing out. It's still the Bible basically in other words and don't have to worry.

Practically my idea is still the same old and just going after it even if my emotions plain suck. I guess the direction I'm headed is something I shouldn't really doubt in myself because I am trying to include God in my life every step of the way. It just took awhile longer to try to process everything. I'm still not perfect, but looking forward to the day that He grants me membership into His kingdom.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Going After It

Pretty much my view of discipline is to just drop what you are doing and to go after it. So while I'm pointlessly just trying to play video games because it's in my natural inclination to do so, I should just ignore it and do something productive like trying to make video game to get others hooked and become a billionaire myself! No, I'm just kidding about the money part, but I really do want to give myself a hard time to put together a playable game. It might take me years to polish just one, but I think it's worth the rush to add in the finishing touches and sell it for free by adding in some ads or whatever other developers do to try to reel in some cash.

The limitations that I see in accomplishing my really hard and not so always comfy dreams is my own stupid addictions like playing aimless card games that I think exercises my brain and exhaustion. If I can get through those and manage my time really well with at least getting the bare minimum which is studying the Bible, working out, and trading then I should be good. It's crazy in that I can't trade on the weekends because it's not allowed, so I'll have to take some off from that. I'll have to find another thing to add on. If I can just manage to be steady with those three things then I might be able to tack on other things too because I like to keep myself engaged.

All these years, I've been engaged doing foolish things like playing video games that don't make me money in the end!

How the Lord's Day Works?

Well, without question, I'm still sinning on the Lord's Day? if it's meant to be everyday. I'm not proud of it and I don't mean that as a funny joke even though I'm laughing about it. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. That's what the Bible says.

What I'm finding that works is to just go at it and that's about it. The most difficult days I'd so for being addicted to porn is the first three days. The mind just wants to crave the fun attention that you give yourself and continuously get it or however amount before you wear yourself out.

After those days passes, it's like nothing. I went at it again today to test to see how I'm doing in the field of holding it in. I didn't do so well, and it's going to be like that always. However, afterwards I'm really holding it in like a beast after a few times. I'm saying this while laughing too, but it's something to really boast about it for me. It's my own detriment that I keep walking myself into.

I seriously want to settle down but need to get my mind permanently off of this stuff first.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

The Lord's Day?

I have a question mark right after this title the Lord's Day? It initially makes me laugh thinking about it. Some people could be like so stupid and that thought makes me laugh even more.

I was originally thinking about busting myself from indulging in unclean behavior of watching some porno clips, but I was like "Nah, it's the Lord's Day today. I really shouldn't." Then, the girl I'm supposed to dating who I met online texted me. That gave me some pretty good distractions to not engage in that behavior from regretting it.

What really got me enticed to do it was that I wanted to measure how long I am. I read some surveys and it's like the ladies who volunteered to answer them were like this so and so size is for us. The average came out to where I'm at. I'm like so yeah, I need to be pumped up for the world and be convinced that I'll make a great lover and all of that, so let's get into my porn ritual that I so want to lay off of.

All of these thoughts circulated, but what started it was what I thought at first was innocent which was looking up on some nudist colonies. It didn't go so well and those people are like nudity doesn't matter but to me, I'm not like them so I guess I shouldn't go there then.

If I treat everyday to be the Lord's day then everything for me may be in order. I might actually get stuff done for once! The Bible is so keen about preaching proper time management. We need to conduct ourselves in that way to live out excellent and productively. I'm going to try it out then, so today is the Lord's day? Along with tomorrow and then the next day and so on and so on, etc. ? I have homework everyday to conduct too, so let's get it done before I go play. I used to be play first and work hard later and still am like that to this day, but maybe treating everyday like it's the Lord's Day? I'll have a better shot at doing homework first instead.  

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Well This Is Cool

I'm back to confessing that I want to live spiritually pure life on here. It's helping me to find some solace with myself from trying write stuff like this and come clean. The audience who I'm reaching is honestly people I'm indifferent about attracting. The fact that anyone could have stumbled on this site and started reading is remarkable.

It's just like that dopey kid from like 14 years ago, my old friend, who turned into an old hag with me put a restraining order on me. He was just fed up with me because he couldn't handle what I wrote about him. I never really apologized to him because there's really no problem that he's trying to make a living by himself.

Yeah he lost control with his emotions and did something that hurt me in a way. I think I can forgive him for it now. The Bible even says I should or face holy judgement. I can't stand judgement with flawed reasoning though.

It was really hard for me let everything go. I'm so much more calm about the situation now. I know the other people are in a vulnerable spot because I can exploit them, which is what they are afraid of.

So basically I'm just going to work out, trade on the weekdays, read the Bible, play some original music and sing if I can and even dance, work on programming something, socialize, and cook. That's pretty much all I really need to do for my time. This is assuming that I'll have my basic necessities too like hygiene and dining. My end goal is to live as a Christian who became a millionaire and fit as well with a six pack! It's not going to be easy, but the hard work will be well-worth it to me.

Making the Choice

Everyday it's really about choices. Some are good ones and others can cause some regret later on if not executed properly. Time management is very important. One of my friends does a really good job at this. She executes tasks pretty fast and states that she likes me. What I don't get sort of is that she gives me these nice hugs and then has recently started giving me a pat on the back.

I wonder if that's supposed to a sign of having earned camaraderie with her or that she's just doing that without realizing it. Maybe she's keen on it and trying to give off a friendly message to me. I don't really feel for her as I used to though. During the last year though, I had some really nice hugs with her. I did like her, but now those feelings of attraction have just waned.

I don't think basing love off of physical attraction isn't going to help any cause. I'm not looking at it in that manner. Yet, it's nice to have an outlook of being with a pretty wife in the future.

So back to choices and enough with digressing for once in a blue moon! I literally have a choice each day to whether I want to come home and not work out and just go about watching porn secretly or to keep myself busy with something.

I do have a schedule that I made visually and I have it on my desk. I haven't even really came close to finish the first five of them. What I'm lacking in is that I don't really want to treat my time and that preciously and just let it fly by. I'm totally not paying attention with my time that I'm putting into something. This is where my weakness is in that I'm not going after preparation, where I should be.

Writing A Lot

Well, I could never imagine myself holding up this blog for all these years and to still contain about a million thoughts going through my head. All of these words that I'm writing isn't coming from any field or discipline. It's just my own uncanny personality that doesn't like to use swear words and try to pitch in some humor every so often whenever it feels appropriate for me, even if it doesn't.

I guess I'm opening myself up by trying to talk about my struggles now and being more open about them. One of my qualities is that even though I may list these weaknesses of mine, I'm one who likes to go about fixing them. I want to constantly improve myself and become a better person which is goal.

It was probably better to not get mad at a younger lad who was trying to do his job. I lost my respect for him and so that's probably why I was upset. Honestly, if I'm not going back to read my sentences, I'm messing up with some words and totally putting in a different meaning.

Well I am a bit sleepy right now. My mind is that barely awake and trying to fall asleep right now. It's only 1 am and I should be fast asleep. Yet, it's the weekend so I'm letting my mind ride it out to finish up this blog and get to the day it should be at.

Managing Time Better

One of the things I have to do is control my impulsiveness to play video games. It's like an addiction for me because I crave it from often times feeling like I have nothing to do. Right now, I have no urge to look at porn. The only times I've really done so is that once in awhile, I want to practice and see if I can hold it in and not release too soon from doing a tight grip.

I'm pretty much concentrating and getting about 95% of it, but never really 100% because it's just impossible for me. I think there's that little extra effort that I need to put time into in order to master what I'm looking for. Maybe in fact, instead of being just a little time, it could even take a lifetime to master from the lack of information that I have stored within myself.

Definitely, I'm getting a whole lot better with my chops and doing really well with interacting better. It's a good thing with where I'm headed though. I don't think the people who I gave trouble and who just fired back at me from being mad in a blind sense while denying it.

I managed to beat the people who gave me a hard time. I didn't intentionally mean to give them a hard time in the first place. They were just being buttheads with me because they couldn't handle something that really had nothing do with the person and me. The fact that this confusion took place is that they just refused to see anything else except their own way of status and from being selfish in that manner.

It really did tick me off and I just opened up by just making fun of the person and letting it all out in that direction. I just became blunt and spoke what came out of my heart. It was totally just smack talk and that's all it really was. I think it's normal and funny and that's what I participated with myself in doing. The other person hasn't came after me from doing that.

I guess I'll see what happens because I'm actually interested in making it hard on the other person and making him look bad now. That could probably be one of the reasons why the other person doesn't want to act up with me anymore and be respectful towards me. From me actually being honest, I'm not really that scary but someone who can be related to. From me doing some honest smack talk, it really helped set things in motion for myself though.

Manning Up

After being so used to myself and not trying to just stress myself out with getting things done, I have a totally new approach which is actually trying to enjoy what I'm getting myself into. I don't have those really high and proud expectations for myself anymore. I've also grown past that. To really let myself down and try to ignore it afterwards isn't really that good.

So now it's time for me to put all of this together and get my act straight together. One of the things I've literally have done is letting my mouth go really foul and saying dirty things while no one is around. It's in my ingrained nature to not curse with bad words when people around. When it's just by myself and I put myself through some uncomfortable thoughts, then my mouth can just start running off in a bad way. I would really like to fix this if I can.

I want to live a pure spiritual life even when I'm not around people. I would like to not even have to look at porn ever again if that's even possible while I'm not married and yearning for a good wife to have some great sexual contact with.

Wow this blog is really turning into more adult oriented themes now and I've been trying to keep my mouth shut because I'm worried about little kids reading this site. I don't want to be influenced in bad direction. Are they really that smart to understand what's going on and capable of handling it? I'm going to have assume that if they have the maturity this understand what I'm writing here, then I'll let it be permissible.

I'm not going use swear words even though I do reluctantly in private. I've heard from people a couple times apologize for saying curse words and offending anybody. I just choose not to use it in my vocabulary, even though practically all my friends do say a curse word or two. They even like to deny it they don't use those words sometime! Actually from being around other Christians, it's been nice in that they choose not to. A have a few acquaintances who are true Christians to begin with. I'm trying to live purely as one of them, even though my heart is convicted in the beliefs of Biblical Christianity.

A Few Bad Things I Notice About Myself

I've noticed that when I'm totally self-absorbed on my own thoughts then I'm pretty much absent-minded and not fully concentrating. Basically I'm trying to wing it and be perfect at something while letting my mind just absorb the feelings of some incident and try to soak in the moment. It's something like that, but I'm definitely not focusing on the source that I should be. I notice that when I'm thinking about something else while trying to read the Bible, I'm totally not picking up on anything.

Yet from trying to practice it, I've noticed that just simply focusing on trying to comprehend the text as best as I can and reading at a comfortable pace, I'm able to actually read it somehow. Some verses are still very difficult to understand what God means, but it's just I can read it and have a better idea than I used to now.

That's some area that I notice with myself that I could improve on while reading the Bible, which is taking it pretty seriously and trying to pay attention to the details. I'm just sitting there sometimes and letting my mind just wander off. What I was just thinking now, is this old friend who I lost contact with along time ago. She married a doofus but I don't really care that he is one to me. Anyhow, she talked about how reading the Bible was a chore to her on some occasions. That's very interesting indeed in that she was one to read it daily. She was a little mislead with emotional reasoning too just like we all can be, so it's really hard to find the right guidance for the Bible sometimes.

I guess it comes down to if the soul really wants to will him or herself into having a true spiritual walk with God.

Just the Basics For Me

I guess my basics now is to pretty much just find time after work to work out, do a little trading, and studying a little bit of the Bible each day. I would love to do this. On top of this, I would also like to cook my own meals instead of being reliant of having to go buy it every time. Another thing is that I would like to continue developing in music, song, and dance. Programming on the computer or something related to doing IT is pretty much my last deal, so that's pretty much like my favorite five things that I want to stay on top of if I can each day.  Oh yeah, I would also like to make some time to socialize with people to so I really ought to make the best of this.

I can't really let myself get so carried away with playing video games and watching movies or TV by myself now. I'm letting myself just go and time just flies by fast without me realizing it. I should just ignore those activities and control the self-pressure and out of it feeling I'm going through and just follow through. What makes it hard is that I'm worried about overdoing it and putting myself into some type of depression. I'm a little scared in that sense so I've been just relaxing with games and TV to just try to offset those weird feelings of mine sometimes. I guess I'm trying to distract myself from reality like a drug in some sense. Maybe, I would be a stronger person if I managed those feelings and worked hard to be a successful millionaire with a six pack.

The Basics

Okay, what I need to do is pretty much follow a routine and live up to it even if I'm not really feeling it. I think there's where I'm having trouble managing then. It's a lot of hard work and I'm not totally into all the time, but I think it's good for me to do something anyway. Regardless of whatever I do in life, it's pretty much going to be a privilege anyway that I get to make a living.

To have a living and be able to make a decent earning on something, I guess that's what it's about then.

Where I've Been Messing Up

I guess it's not really a bad thing, but I was just looking up on comments with YouTube just to entertain myself and to watch some dramatized history. I guess I'm letting my eyes get glued onto stuff like that and I shouldn't really have to.

I think it's just the mind wants to be lazy and I don't think I need to let myself get self-absorbed into that. It's time for me to just move on again and keep myself from being stopped cold on the tracks.

Readjusting and Getting Fit

Okay I think this is what I need. I need to go back into working out and getting in shape again. I need to get that motivation and discipline started up so that I can make it happen. I'm messing up by not doing it. It's taking a lot of my time indeed but I think it's worth it.

Getting Back Into Scheme of Things

Okay so I was playing all of these computer games and now I feel pretty sheepish about doing them. I feel very accomplished indeed but I think I can be a little more productive in them now, so that's what I'll be trying to go for then.

Catching Up

Okay it's time for to catch up again. I have been just practically honest and doing my own thing. I'm not really trying to attract attention or anything, but I guess it's just what it is. I'm going to try to finish this up again because I haven't been blogging on this thing for awhile this month.

Thursday, March 16, 2017


What I can liken to discipline a lot with right now is that it could be in the same way as making love the right way! Special attention and care needs to be given and a lot of hard work comes from the preparation to go after the ultimate experience. It requires constant love and just to maintain the pleasure there needs to be good feedback. With love making, communication has definitely got to be key.

Realizing what I'm capable of from practicing with porn is really bad for me. I'm still not desensitized to it where it won't have any effect on me, but I don't count on going there. I've been using it for my own gain of trying to learn how to properly give pleasure to the partner. It's really boring from looking at this angle. I just can't see it as a form of entertainment really when it totally goes against my personal morals. I'm never going to go after fornicating, maybe in my head, but never physically in person. I just can't do it and it's been ingrained in me that I won't do it and still won't be willing, if I were to even be raped by the best lover in the world. Well, if she was my wife, things change in an instant of course.

Coming To Terms With It

Last night, I figured out that I don't need porn to help myself do some edging. If you don't know what that is, I'm not really going into detail. Yet, I was working on the sensitive part and could last only about three minutes with a strong grip. Okay, this is really bad for me to continue doing. I just feel guilty about doing all of this stuff.

I think I'm ready to let it go. One of my insecurities was keeping me from moving on and pushing forward to more healthier and lengthier things. Sometimes the ego wants to be impatient and lazy. It just will give up. Like my good friend here, he tries to give effort and then just believes that his I.Q. level isn't good enough. With all of that confusion, he also adds on some paranoia. He'll say it was the cause of co-workers, but I think he brought that upon himself. It's hard to say because he probably doesn't fully understand it to an extent that he can get a grip of it yet.

I was ailing for a long time over that stupid church girl putting a restraining order on me. It wasn't domestic abuse or anything. She just did it under the pretense of kicking me out of her church. It wasn't done out of love. A loving person wouldn't act that way. She totally sinned from being overly protective with her self-interests which is promoting her ideas of how to behave. It had no love in it because she was too mad to realize that she was going overboard. She was blinded by it, but now I can state how embarrassing it would be for her with me bringing it up. I can direct those types of personal attacks now with her to make her shut up!

Yeah, I'm able to put her and those stupid church people who were involved in a totally hopeless case with me in their place. I made a promise with God first that I would become a millionaire with a six pack before I went to do anything foolish with them. It's pretty much a spiritual battle for me here with the flesh and growing spirit inside of me. I've been very selfish lately from being self-absorbed about my own dealings. Yet, when I tune in to God's Word it feels very miraculous and such a relief for me. I do want to live purely in that manner and it's a struggle for me daily.