Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Diligence and Not Caring

I'm feeling roughed up and not in the mood for anything sometimes. It's liked I'm just too scared for being worn out. It's pretty much going into panic mode and not being able to do anything about it. One annoying co-worker kept on telling me to relax and then I finally got on his nerves and he lost his position of supervising over me. Yeah, it happens and I practically don't care.

In a likewise manner of not caring, I need to stop caring and just get stuff done. I do love being an organized person and having everything in order. It takes up a lot of my time, and I wonder if trying to favor being a neat freak has anything to do with OCD. I just need to pack and clean it up once and I'm just happy as ice resting on top of a cola surface! It's just so chill and relaxing after with nothing getting in your way.

I should really start being more loving with people by pushing them to doing some good when I'm under uncontrollable anger! No, I mean I should inquire when I see that look of pain or surprise or despair on their faces. I do this all the time with my close lady friends and they are still cool with me.

I need to get a whole lot better with my concentrated efforts still and to also not rely that much on my own personal emotions. Whatever one of my buddies is going through, he really deserves that upon him because of his own thoughts and selfish intentions. I don't have that much time to hang with him right now. If I wanted to, I could force him to add me back on Facebook too, but I see that as a waste of time. It's also a waste of time to do that right now with Lee too, the girl who put a restraining order on me. I could do it now, assuming she's stupid enough to still stick with that loser church, Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. If I was Lee, I would just marry some decent guy and be like so long Hope of God Church and live my stable life, but Lee is crazy so I don't know really where she will end up at this point. It's not really my business to find out about that either and I'm happy to feel that way because it would be so stressful if I had to.

It's basically two strong emotions that I'm going after living for better smooth flow and success. It's confidence and relaxation. I'm going to make so many mistakes from not understanding things, but from just trying to be a natural at something and repetitiously going after something in this manner of staying honest, it helps a lot to accomplish something and at least be in normal standing while flashing great potential with others around you.


Mixing Bad and Good Luck

I mess up all the time. I basically suck at a lot of things and keep on making the same mistakes. I don't know how to fix it, and I'm pretty much a wreck. One thing that is starting to work out for me is programming.

You know with everything that's happened to me, I'm just a short man now and trying to do the best I can. I'm also avoiding things and want to have things with the least path of resistance. I guess that makes sense in a way.

I really don't know what direction is but being filled with the joy of the Lord is amazing! To be able to also enjoy the Winter Olympics and want to cry out of the joy with happy athletes celebrating from winning is great too. It really doesn't matter if it's not rooting for my country either!


It Doesn't Really Matter

Once upon a time, as a crazy funny teenager in the age 16, I wrote that I was going to rape my teacher and let her read it! The teacher didn't care and was like whatever stupid. Another student read it while going through my papers and she got scared and reported me to the authority. A policeman came over and they conducted to see if I was on any drugs and they spotted my Magic the Gathering cards and I was just really uncomfortable. 

I confessed that I heard voices in my head which got me to write that paper. They let me go eventually because I showed a mannerism that I was going to fight this to the end and determined to go all the way. I had that look of acceptance and annoyance and that I was going to fight it out. The vice principle who was talking to me decided to let it go, and this guy had anger issues in my middle school. He got promoted to VP at my high school, and I just don't know why he didn't want to get me in trouble. 

It was a bunch of guys and they just decided not to press charges, along with a cop. I didn't really realize it actually what I was putting there was bad and that's what happened. I also did that unintentionally with making myself look like a rapist and racist too.

Basically, it doesn't matter and I got away with it. I didn't really know what I was doing at the time and wasn't aware of it and it wasn't even in my intention to be a criminal actually. Some of the people who became afraid of me were just being dumb and annoying to me. I released all my anger upon them with words and went for being truthful. I just went full blast and nothing happened to me in the end, so yeah, I'm one of those types to be left alone as a regular person but with a whole lot of potential to be evil and at the same time be a nice lad. 

Being called a psycho or so scary by a couple people doesn't bother me. They were just being really stupid because it got on my nerves. It does make me mad to hear those type of accusations with me and to want to fight it hard. I'm more aware of what the other person I'm bothering for any reason might be going through so it's not really a big deal on my end and them just wanting to be stubborn about something that really doesn't matter either.  


Friday, February 16, 2018

Commiting and Focusing

Now I'm realizing that I have a lack of discipline meaning that I'm not really focusing and just going with whatever that flows with my boat. It's like I just run with my first catch and offering that feels good. This type of living is fun and don't get me wrong, I'm also not doing much. It's just that it's not satisfying enough.

Like having around a girl friend who just likes to live life and do everything while going places, she really likes to insist and take charge while bringing her available and closest people together for some fun. It sometimes tests me and wants to get on my nerves a little and I just go along with it even though I feel worn out.

In this instance of feeling worn out, I have to run with my goals as well. My goals are like my boring mistresses in a way. They just keep teasing me to come after them, but I'm like "No time, honey!" This is where it comes to the concept of discipline which has a subset of commitment and focus.

Along the way though, committing and focus is not enough! You have to do it! I mean do it hard all night sometimes. Yeah, go straight for boning the zone while it's so really hard and feeling juicy.

I'm just joking around obviously, but it would be fun for teenagers going through puberty to read this post and then go crazy like trying to grab a gold medal at the Olympics. Kudos to them and thanks for being inspired, if only it was so true compared to my reading base that I suspect are from all over the Northern world and speak excellent English! You guys are mainly based in the United States and don't know and don't care who. Please be inspired and live a great life!

With committing and focus, there needs to be putting the time into doing what's required and that part isn't always fun. That's where it gets most people and separates the men from the boys. It was funny to make someone mad and he messaged me, tough "Guy". So every guy out there, who may be between being "The Man" and boy feel inspired!

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Getting Into Right Mindset

I'm really blessed to have a job and on top of that, for it to be a family business, it means so much to me. I give credit to the Lord for allowing me to be in that wonderful position. Yet, I'm looking to break away for reasons of proving to myself that I could make it on my own. The business model is a rather basic one and been improving itself over the years through luck and hard work. My dad struck gold when he led the company to score some huge clients and ever since taking off about five years ago, it's been stressing over managing to keep profiting and not losing anything. The employees are chill and they love this environment and also how much the owners really treat all of us as extended family. It's like a place of belonging and having a membership and on top of that, collecting a cool paycheck to support their own families. There's been a few odd apples at this company but for the most part, it's had great retention of the same workers.

My dad and relatives invested smart into this business, and they made a hard decision which had so many ups and downs. Yet, for it to now be in the position it is at, my dad has learned so many things about this industry and he's been teaching me some tools of the trade. It's about maintaining company growth at a moderate pace. I'm not quite geared to take over this company and possibly, it could be led by my oldest cousins and only sister at this company in the future. Actually, my sister doesn't know about her future here, but she really would love to settle down more with the love of her life, which my dad is against. I honestly don't think there's anything Biblical to go against it, except that she should focus her life more on Jesus, but choosing a really tall dude who happens to be such a sweet teddy bear with fast metabolism and has a stable and strong family upbringing is wise, even though he's white, wouldn't one think?

I guess we all have anger issues that sometimes just don't resolve itself and it's always going to have a remnant of what we said and did in the past. We can poke all fun about it or insult others behind their backs to get whatever off out chests, but there's also the case of them being annoying while having to be the one to listen through all of it and not giving any opposition to it, which I found myself in so many times and it sucked and made me mad, especially when this guy started talking trash about a lady who I worked with behind her back. She was annoying and talking about how she wanted a man to marry while working by herself but the guy wasn't being a gentleman and that made me really mad and that led to me hurting his feelings by talking about how he was an idiot for leaving his family after his dad passed away from cancer on a similar blog like this one.

I didn't understand the rift between us that occurred at the time, but Washington was just being a selfish idiot who wanted to be happy and wasn't satisfied with what he had. His girlfriend was such a doll to others, but she had so much anger issues like a wife with him and maybe he just got tired of the commitment with her just like it happens with other relationships and wanted to resort to cheating. I believe that he broke her heart and he's a true American butthead with an American name of Washington from a Chinese family. He made up a Facebook profile and called himself Wing Chun too with a popular actor's face, which now I think is actually funny. Oh well, it took me awhile to resolve all of this for just myself because I was the one to set it aside a lot and push forward with my other psychological issues and keep trying to make progress with myself as I am still doing now.

Hey at least with Washington, I can be proud that I scared his knockers off and that he almost wanted to pee in his pants with me. He ended up accusing me of being a terrorist to one of my old friends who I haven't talked to in awhile. Pete's a good friend with actually some useful ideas to give worth some consideration. Washington also went for a useless restraining order against me and in the end, it fell out and after seeing him a few times after the incident, I had so much anger issues of wanting to punch him in the face that I had to refrain myself from talking to him. This is where I learned my ultimate trick which was full and honest, brutal honesty like it is.  

Monday, February 12, 2018

Reaching After My Goals

It looks like my main, earthly focus is earning a living just like the majority in this planet does. If I'm not able to reach a personal goal at this time, then it probably means that I can't get to it yet and I'm going to need to take some baby steps to get there. Instead of three basic things for me accomplish, now I have six!

1. Practice Biblical living
2. Make money
3. Exercise
4. Cook
5. Keep personal hygiene
6. Plan to socialize with friends / cute girls (yeah!)

I'm eventually going to settle down with a family and maybe I'll have to adopt at this rate from becoming so much of an old fart and maybe even marrying a lady who won't be able to have babies anymore. I seem to be more attracted to ladies who look great and are around my own age for some reason and going too young just feels out of place for me.

On the bright side of marrying while old and also another old lady who is actually hot, yeah, having sex will be fun I suppose. We'll just have to keep our energy levels up and no kids to worry about because her reproductive system could be done! I don't care about adopting at that point while continuously having great sex, so yeah, we'll stay one loving and happy family. I don't mind welcoming another kid and giving some guidance to him or her.

Man, this is a little hard for me right now to not laugh. I'm not stressing about this whole marriage thing while staying a virgin but my parents are for sure! They also want me to marry a Korean lady. If she's hot and sexually energetic which probably won't be and not meaning to diss my own race, but yeah, I'm not expecting another hot Korean lady to be that way in general with me. I'm just going to have to ask out girls who I feel a connection to and some attraction and if they are available. I don't really care about getting over being rejected for any reason, even if that makes me mad or sad. Whatever, man, I'll get over it and keep working on myself.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Making the Most Out of Life

From being a lot older these days, I've made some really bad decisions from not thinking through things properly. It's like I lose patience and estimate wrong then I find out something, which turns out to suck out the fun. It's basically experiencing failure. I believe it happens, and this is where it comes down to building resiliency and considering if it's worth it or not.

This is probably what keeps me from making these cool decisions. It's from planning a lot in my head, but never having enough to follow through with all of it. It gets pretty hard, so I just managed to barely figure out how to re-organize myself. Having friends is great, and I seriously don't have that many. I guess it's just normal with where I'm at. Maybe, I'm just looking at the wrong place and the answer should really be about more Jesus.

From thinking about it, I see myself actually wanting to work really hard and contribute to offering some of my time and effort to support great ministries and even wonderful charities. I can see that it really feels good out of having just a generous heart. It doesn't have to be returned and that's where it's hard for a lot of people I guess to accept. I'm just one of those types who gets over that mess.

I just want to live out my life to the fullest and not get sucked into something that later on feels not that great for having done it. I make those mistakes constantly and even with the same things repetitiously. I have to now consider the positives and negatives because I believe that  I can be resilient, but I would like to be happy at least while being that type of person.

My decisions are really going to have to be about making wise choices. It's like going after really seeing how things are from peeking through small cracks and windows that are available to dig through. 

Thinking About Proper Results

I'm starting to think about how there really is a negative and positive to think with everything going on in this world. Especially when it comes to making choices, sitting there and being able to think it through is what makes it important. Being in the moment, it's just so easy to get swept away and go after something that could be against better judgement.

I'm now starting to take it from an emotional view as well now. First off, I truly believe living in the Lord's ways found through studying the whole Bible is a blessing. To be a follower of the true living God, it's really a wonderful feeling! I'm really joyful and happy even while I'm going through stuff that suck like feeling bored with doing something and not making the most out of the time given to you.

What I'm basically proposing is that by thinking about a goal you have in mind, it's to think about both the positive and the negatives. If the negatives are something you can handle, then yeah I think it's okay to go for the goal. Otherwise, the decision or little action you take part of should be avoided despite your body saying you want to. 

Friday, February 9, 2018

One Word For Moving On

For all the people who ticked me off because of my diva tendencies to want to feel attended to by just adding me as a friend and refused to do that or later on removed me as a friend to really tick me off because of those psychotic emotions and then push me further to bother them because they didn't want to accept my ranting with them continuously from being so annoying to them, I have only one word for them. Dumb!

A few people got it by not doing anything. A girl in fact just took it all in with me and she admitted to being scared of me too in person. Boy that girl is I don't know what to say; she's a little peculiar and tries to be geeky and go all out crazy as a cover to have fun with the crowd. She's kind of hollow in other words and what bothers her is funny too so I have to say that in the end, I love her and she can be annoying like a sister, too.

I've learned to hold in my uncontrollable and psychotic emotions better and to stay nice in the end from being great friends with cute girls! It's simple as that for moving on after using one word for those people. Dumb!


Stuff I Need To Repent Of

I honestly think now that it isn't really about focusing on my bad parts and trying to improve them. It's really about turning my full undivided attention to having a happy relationship with Jesus- not any Mexicans but Yeshua Hamashiach or being shortened down, it becomes Jesus! To be clear for anybody lazy to not think about how I'm trying to be funny, I'm referring to Jesus of Nazareth found in the New Testament. Yeah, I'm a believer and also a follower but not very good at it I suppose after all these years. I realize I'm a mess with living the ideal Christian life.

It's about studying the pages in the whole Bible so I could have a meaningful walk and fellowship with God. He can speak to us directly from reading Scriptures and from having help with the Holy Spirit and other great teachers out there. We can't agree with everything amongst each other, but the main goal that we all can agree upon as Christians is that Jesus died and rose again to atone us of our sins which could lead us to eternal separation from the loving and only omnipotent God of the universe! By believing upon that, God the Father who arts in heaven intends on having fellowship with mankind.

The crazy stuff that I get myself into like cursing around nobody but at my steering wheel before I start hitting the road and reflecting on how I think Annie the old leader from Hope of God Church in Los Angeles is stupid and I used to have a crush on her, yeah, it's a long sentence- I can't believe I used to like her man and it drives me crazy thinking about that still to this day. Yeah, these issues are now popping up and I can spot some wrongs that could make them look bad, so it only made sense with them telling me how they think I'm very smart that they would want me to stay quiet about their negative side out of human nature to be selfish. It also wasn't that serious, so they weren't being pleasant about it and imagine something super serious, then yeah, it's so crazy and things like going to be blown up in smoke.

The great side is that I'm not afraid to speak the truth now and everything going inside of me. To be transparent in other words, it's been really healthy for me. I'm not afraid of getting shot by a terrorist either from speaking my mind to him. Heck, maybe I could convince him to turn to Jesus or be friends with the Mexican named Jesus that he caught along side with me. Okay, whatever and enjoy the laughs!

My viewing of pornography and sexuality is controversial and in a sexual gray area. Meaning, I don't believe in fornication and lusting after a porn star or a really beautiful girl just for the sake of bedding her. I don't care about those things, but at the same time, I've been exploring my sexual organs and yeah, that's just too much to talk about. I really need to love a girl first before I feel somewhat fully aroused sometimes and then I also need to marry her before I go for getting it on all night long but only if she wants to. This is why I need to keep on meeting girls with similar sexual energy that I compose which is hardly anybody because yeah, try keeping up with me since I'm a dude. Certainly and well it's possible but if she's more and wants more than yeah, it's going to be both good and bad on certain days. I can live with that and don't mind because I won't be missing any action when I crave some, so yeah, I just need to find one of those girls who are beautiful and I can connect with now and they dig me as well which is going to be hard.

What I'm looking for is very picky and particular in the area of finding a life sexual partner. I'm finding myself drawn more away and to porn from the reason of never concluding my sexual stuff. What I really need to do is put my focus more on Scriptures and Jesus. The answer really is more Jesus through spending time with studying the Word.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Winning Attitude

I'm starting to get people a little more and can actually feel them. Having a popular social media should be about entertaining appeal, convenience, and connection with the family, friends, or acquaintances who are involved. All this time, I have struggled with this while wanting it, but reflecting back on it now since I'm like back on my feet; I can't make it a big priority anymore.

It's expected of a guy like me to stay really smart and nice. The fact that I haven't settled down yet gets a little on people's nerves. I have been controversial as well, and it's funny because of my height. I'm only 5' 3" and the losers I have been affecting don't care about that and want to keep on complaining while feeling negative energy and just going crazy because it's too much for them to bear. They don't see it with themselves like I am able to now.

Some friends I have on Facebook are charming individuals. It's cool to have stable and nice friends dig some of my posts and even still stick with me when I post some naughty and weird ones that usually scare a Facebook friend or two away. I think it's just from putting them in a bad mood and or just not feeling it anymore with me or even in the mood for being selfish but cool in their own world that they can feel a self-inflated sense of worth. I don't really see them like that anyway, so out of convenience I should just find better people I like to fill up my Facebook page. The cool adage goes for me and keeps me staying in the hunt for success, "Just be yourself."

Full Effort

Just now I have decided from realizing some negative outcomes in the past, I can't include my buddy anymore for my future game development plans. He doesn't really agree with mainstream and to me, it would mean being able to bring in money. He has a way of over judging something from the cover and then sets that into motion which aggravates me. The things that he is into only really appeal to him selfishly and some things do connect with him. He's just a very particular guy and doesn't really lead much of a social life and isn't academically gifted and resorts to trying to outsmart people to make a living, but can't do that consistently either.

My judgement of him after knowing him a long time is that he will continually seek for something that he will never obtain full satisfaction with for his whole entire life. Therefore, he might know how to cope with his depression from being selfish and unyielding to his personal opinions. It's really annoying because he hates admitting to being possibly wrong and when he is, he doesn't want to really reflect on it and form another unstable thing in his head with the same issue I spot with him. I have to distance myself from him because he's turned that into a habit and is dragging me below with him. I guess having around a normal looking guy who cares so much about outward presentation but can get mentally unstable from interacting with people which results in him trying to stay nice about it until he's left should be okay to invite to birthday parties or celebrations because I've known him so long.