Moving Forward

I don't really know how many originals are still reading this blog, but if they are then I'm really surprised by it because the ones I know who did had something against me! If I have been writing this long and their suspicions haven't been met by now, then I guess it's safe to be of the opinion that they were being silly with me. It was really no big deal in the first place, and they were mad for bad reasons and fixated thoughts on things that were out of place and didn't make sense. I wish I worked on my issues and grew out of it much sooner back then, but I still have something lingering inside of me. My problem is mainly about staying a productive individual during my personal time.

One of the things I've changed a lot lately in is that with my tastes, I'm enjoying reading up on things for entertainment a lot better than before. Yesterday, I did end up finishing up my plans for an upcoming San Diego trip. Now, I want to focus on reorganizing my room and getting some work done with my online courses. I also would like to build up some more confidence by working hard to earn lots of money and have a body that I'm proud of maintaining from all those hours spent working out and eating healthy. 

To top it all off, I do need to eventually find a nice and attractive lady who is available and loves me enough to want to get married. I hope the day arrives someday while I'm working at getting it all together over the little things and socializing and mainly managing my time very well without failing to lose so much focus and not putting in the time needed to get it done. I guess my life has to be all about hard work and making effective changes for improvement. 

Something I'm noticing about myself is that I think I should do my bedtime chores if I haven't already and can after 8:00 pm. If I stay up late, then at least I have it out of the way or maybe I will have to live with sometimes how I could go hit the 24 hour gym and sweat again. This is pretty much my last hint I am writing for myself this month. I can write a lot more if I wanted to but it will be too much time spent unnecessarily. 

For my trading endeavors, it looks like I have become something I will like to call myself a range and inner channel breakout trader. It's pretty much my own inside terminology from all the studying and practice I have done. I'm in that school of swing/position traders and is possibly similar to theirs, so I now have one of three set-ups I'm looking to trade in order of importance and where to place a stop and along with my own risk to reward ratio analysis. I pretty much have a system now and will see if I can keep it working for three months straight. I believe that my system can screw up at any time, so I'm never going to sell or share it. If I ever take on the only person I promised as a student, I will make her come up with her own system, so I will put her through so much to see how serious she is and won't care if she gives up. I want to team up with other profitable traders only for now.    

What I Could Have Done Yesterday Differently

Well, yesterday after the fiasco of getting bored with porn the day before, I didn't look at porn. I did however get interested in this pretty actress and was curious about watching her sexy scenes for free but I don't know what happened. It's a form of porno still, but not really. It's like something that goes on my mind from being bored and stupid at that moment. I don't believe in paying for anything related to this matter, so I'm never knocking at someone's door and demanding for it after I bust out a couple hundred dollars. I can even place a million dollar bet that I won't and probably not even go collect it after I win. This is how confident I am and I've been doing it for only thirty-five years now, so what does adding an extra year mean anyway? I'm seriously telling the truth and it would be so crazy for anyone to lie about those things.

Well, I could have snapped myself out of feeling dumb and stupid by doing something smart while I kept on feeling bored and tired. I ended up reading up on some movie plot and then ended up reading about stories of some Chinese general back near 200 AD and the start-up of the Wing Chun martial arts. It was passed down to a female master by a shaolin monk, according to legend. This female master taught it to another interested female and then the new student ended up beating up all the nasty guys who bullied her to be in a relationship with them. This powerful lady ended up marrying and then she taught her husband and then it passed all the way down to Bruce Lee one day!

Did I really have to read about all this stuff and get to know about it from yesterday? Really? I think I'm interested in learning some Wing Chun now though. It could be a little watered down from focusing on flashy moves, so maybe the most practical would be to learn effective striking and parrying techniques and submission holds for those one-on-one moments. It's very much like UFC because punching someone in the face really hard and getting a clean shot will work on any punk! It would require a lot of conditioning and practice so it could be repeated over and over again as much as needed even if it becomes like 100 opponents versus just one. Yeah right! If they know what they are doing, the one guy left standing will run away or go looking for a machine gun to blast them away.

I also ended up skipping my supper while munching on a partially empty bag of Dorritos. I guess that's how yesterday ended up being for me, and I'm not satisfied by it. I should have woke my butt up and taken a shower while adding another splash of minoxidil on my scalp and brushed my teeth again. It's pretty hard for me to care about being so short now as it used to be. Anyway, I guess I can drown out my miseries of being bored and feeling stupid or so ugly and fat by doing something about it and working hard on something else besides letting my mind wander off like it happened yesterday. My main activity was really reading up on interesting things before falling asleep and feeling like I wanted to watch sexy scenes of a pretty actress back from twenty years ago and is now so old and ugly.

I can definitely do much better than this, even though I was pretty close to getting up and doing everything. It was like 15% chance for me to do what I wanted yesterday. Now, I think I have a 15.5% chance of being successful and it's only because I wrote about it to get it off my chest.

Things On My Mind To Take Care Of

I'm going to list some things that have been going through my mind these last few days. I would like to drop back another five pounds and build some more confidence in my looks. I'm short and there's really nothing I can do about it, so might as well drown out my sorrows from building some muscles and doing some hopeless growing taller stretches because it will ease my mind up. Along with that, I might as well buy some cool clothes and look at myself in the mirror and be like yeah, that's pretty cool. I'm going to continue to join some free meetups with pretty girls who say they are going. The ones I have been to so far do have some cute looking girls, and I have really liked the opportunity to go socialize and enjoy myself. It's actually nice, and maybe I could find another great girl who doesn't have a boyfriend this time around and doesn't confuse me with how she's into me but in a dating relationship already.

I still have yet to sign up for a dating site. Go ahead and copy my description, but don't let me or another lady find out. It could even be funny if discovered so I will take the gamble here and put down my description I will revise later, here:

"I enjoy hiking, six flags, movies, sightseeing, traveling, road tripping, and playing any sport. It's always fun to do things with a lady I find initially attractive, even if we never officially date. I'm looking to eventually land a nice girlfriend that would lead to a happy marriage. I'm nice, eager to please, experiential learner, passionate, fun, and respectful of people's time and relational boundaries. "

I have to finish some planning with this San Diego trip. I need to brush my teeth an additional amount of times and remember to apply minoxidil twice on my hair daily. I should be continuing to take care of my face and all of these things. I'm just trying to drown out my sorrows from being a short guy and then putting some work in at socializing with people while not letting it get to me. Some people are jerks and quite funny about letting me know about it, which I don't like but it's true though. I'm just going to keep working very hard at it to drown out my miseries from trying to be successful and confident individual while just conversating with people and being outgoing.

I think I know a buddy who is really mellow and unhappy with his complacent life. He's trying to make some changes and talks about it, but is still letting it linger. I think it's because he gets too tired and probably wasn't born that lucky. It's really hard, but I enjoy putting myself in those circumstances even if I fail at it and end up hating the whole situation. I still want to get better though and that's pretty much all I have that is keeping me on the go with this, along with my faith in Jesus so I want to have a really nice life and willing to work hard for it because I know it feels really good after putting in all that effort.

Plans With Making A Living

I can seriously see myself being a swing or position trader with Forex for my bread and butter of earning some income and then diversify my portfolios with several backups in case this gig decides to hit the backside of my head and blow up after! It's called speculation and there's only so much one is going to know, but if it works at a consistent rate then might as well use it and keep it to myself. I don't ideally believe in sharing this information because it's a form of gambling, and I don't want to be responsible for causing a few people to lose money because of my opinions ticking them off in the end. If it works for me, then it's good and I find myself tweaking constantly my strategies with this demo account I have and overtrading with 24 different pairs! If all is said and done and I come up profitable at the end of each month, three times in a row then I'm ready. I made it past the first month and this month has been a total bust! It's back to the chopping blocks for me, but I enjoy it and it's a much more kickback way of living life on the edge because I don't have to be staring at a computer screen all day once my work in figuring out what to trade is done.

I'm a pretty unique fellow and rare breed with choosing foreign currency to invest in which isn't cryptocurrency and so I could be eccentric minus all the craziness I could make my adversaries feel from barely lifting a finger and then trying to force them to be my friend!  I don't really mind and it's only because I have a set goal in mind and it's to have a lot of free time with a ton of cash earned from setting it on auto-pilot and having the least amount of intrusions to access the profit. This is what the spoils of surviving this incredibly hard game has to offer and not many people even understand it and are crazy enough to try it out with all the horror stories. I mean there's a few out there who is into it, but so few who are into my path I have stumbled onto, and I'm holding onto what I know unless I meet someone who is profitable and been doing it for several years then yeah, I'll team up with that crazy son of a gun!

On top of this whole trading Forex as my profession and mainly just setting up trade-leave-come back to lose or win-close and then rinse and repeat the same thing over and over again like the energizer bunny until I run out of battery, I can be a full-time software engineer if I'm ever struggling with this whole Forex thing because I want to play it safe if I ever find a sexy woman who wants to marry me and do a lot of lovemaking while owning a cozy play den together.

I'm also weird in that I want to be a volunteer physician and receive no pay for it while funding my own tuition. It's about having fulfillment man and this is my life plan for receiving fulfillment and it's so hard to remember that I'm writing it out and not talking about it with my mom anymore. I drive her crazy and she says just do what I'm saying and put my words into action all the time.

I would honestly like poker to be a great money making tool for me because I'm constantly all-in against an opponent with like a 90% edge to win it but I'm still losing enough to feel the burn and this is what separates the boys from the men. The men will keep the same tactic alive and well while the boys will go crazy and impatient with a gambling addiction and just play however they feel and then look down on opponents they beat or keep on getting silenced by the other players. I'm going to make poker a recreational thing then because it relates to my Forex trades. In Forex, I'm looking for the best setup to buy-in and then it's just leaving it running. In poker, you buy-in and keep on playing but for Forex you don't have to be at the table to call all the little shots but in poker you do. Forex is like my automated poker-playing robot and it can bring in some big paydays from what I've experienced so far!

I'm basically going to most realistically live my dreams from being a software engineer and eventually managing projects. My Forex trades will be my ticket to an incredibly awesome and independent life. Poker is going to be a love-and-hate recreational activity for me and not take too much of my time because I hate it sometimes and it does set me up for being alert to my demo Forex trades right now, so I guess it works in some fashion. Lastly, I'm looking to not get paid after studying to be a physician and just doing it all from the goodness of my heart. It might be awhile until I get to this point and it's mainly going to be dependent on having successful Forex trades for me.

Current Status

Yesterday, I ended up losing $2.50 at online poker. Today, I ended up making around $3.00 profit after averaging total wins of $2.50 twice, losing $2.50 once, and gaining some more change. I did all of this under an hour. Wow, big deal right? I'm being sarcastic. It feels like I'm living on the edge man even though I only committed to betting with cards that had around a 90% chance of winning.

My demo trades also shot through the roof yesterday and I made a killing off of it. Instead of being down $110 of fake money, it's now only losing $70 of fake money so far. This is the way to play safe! It's about doing everything fake until there's a consistency of making profit for three months straight while actively engaging in it. Even if it's $0.01 profit, it's still good because it is so hard to get to a break even point while being consistent for several periods.

One of my friends became so prideful with his method of pure gambling which is just dumb luck and betting small and hoping to get a chain of wins that he spent like eight hours at a casino once and lost $500. He then said he felt so sick about it and wasn't interested in even winning anymore because when he was gaining, he didn't feel the excitement anymore. It's obvious because even if he wins, it can all go away the next hour. He was saying he's so good at this and he had a gift and all of that random nonsense! This is not how you gamble.

The way I've been gambling is putting all my chips in with favorable outcomes and with a 90% edge, it sucks to lose but I'm still back right at it for some reason. It feels like I'm about 90% there and the added 10% is going to take a real push to get it. If it doesn't happen with what people want, then it's better to just make the most of it and keep on striving while being alive. It's important to stay happy and from rewiring the brain this way, it keeps on getting better.

Need Improvement

When I went back home yesterday, it's been like a week already from not tuning into porn and then it happened. I became bored out of my mind and wish I have a sexy wife who is into making love at the same time! I need to go marry this fine lady I would be so lucky to have and let go of this stupid and boring exploration of the same old stuff in the meantime. I think it would be better for me to get my mind off of this because I'm getting really bored of it and my day didn't feel that well-accomplished yesterday.

I made a poor decision and with things mentally telling me that I should be doing this, I just put it off to the side like I usually do and then let my mind wander off into watching free things on the Internet and I was probably like the only one to look at it at that time. I was on this website and it said it was just me and another person.

I'm honestly laughing about all this material I'm revealing, and it's truly motivating for me to change. When I talk about this with my usual guy friends, they don't laugh. They do laugh when I make a slapstick comedy-like boo boo and really hard. It's still pretty funny though even if it hurts a bit temporarily. They laugh about those things, but upon themselves they wouldn't. People can sometimes suck and I just need to go out and keep on meeting them.

The Next Day

I'm starting to get used to listening to the audio Bible tracks now while driving to work. The one I have is called Word of Promise which features Hollywood actors. I don't really know what their beliefs are about the Bible, but the production quality is pretty good, even though I find the voice actor of Moses to be inconsistent with reading passages clearly. It feels like he is changing his voice volume back and forth through the verses, and I just don't want to listen to something too loud because it hurts my ears. The parts with Moses can get pretty dry to be honest anyway, and if I didn't have this audio I would just be zooming past most parts of Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy half-heartedly. At least I have something to play while driving and tune into whenever I can.  

It's been a nice app that's worth the pricey $40 investment. I can take it with me wherever with my comfortable iPhone X and play it through Bluetooth mode in my car. After all this time and now it's going to be my fourth time listening through the whole Bible, I still believe in how there was no mistakes made with what God told those authors to put down. There's still plenty of passages I don't really understand though and it's okay for me, I accept how it is. 

I think it's going to be T.M.I. if I start talking about my life on this post and it does feel like a totally different subject with what I made this post to be. It's pretty interesting in how I feel like I have been improving and it's been going like this naturally for me. I'm pretty lucky in that this is all done in fun, and I really have no interest in making money off of this blog. It's like my own social journal where I get to talk about myself and things I interact with while letting it be just my own opinion. I have to thank Google for allowing me to do this for free.  

Planning Steps

I think if I write about it enough then it's going to eventually stick with me and I'm going to get it down. I believe my personality is really this genuine that I can self-motivate myself if I engage in something that's visual for me. In a way, I have realized all this time after writing while being in an angry mood sometimes about the past, I still want to be friends with those jerks! I can't hold a grudge but I can stay mad about how morally incompetent they are being and become a jerk to them as well. Eventually, it's about being their friend after I get them to figuratively go crying to their mommy or big brother. Well, those pompous idiots at that church feel sad about the events that happened to me now and I did get away with doing crazy things and scaring the heck out of some of them that they moved on from that church, which isn't too bad. I'll still be friends with those scared people. See how easy it is to let it go when you are the one who is laughing about it and from also realizing what the truth is now?

Actually I heard those fools laughing really hard and like partying from sneaking up and listening at their doorsteps like a stalker one time. I then heard the voice of the lady who likes me and then ran away. I was too shy to face her and so I don't like her in that fashion anymore even though I know she still likes me and is married to an irritating dude who doesn't mean to be that way. I don't think I'll be seeing him anytime soon at that church. I think his intention is to protect his own life from being afraid of me at this point and also from not wanting to deal any longer with the stupidity of the drama that he helped foster. I will still be his friend because hey, I get to have fun just being myself and I know it's enough to make him crack and then I can make fun of him some more and tell him to go get some professional help and say that he can't because he has to feed his kids and then start falling down and rolling all over with so much laughter. Being friends is also a great, defensive move after having been so mad and going crazy while being a very smart and callous person at the same time from being bitter about what they did.

Getting It Together

I'm still naturally finding myself drawn to going on my laptop and zoning out while falling prey to clickbait on the Internet. I find a lot of them on the homepage of MSN; they have these stories that are so interesting to read about! Occasionally or whenever I'm aware of it, I'm battling with self-discipline in time management as well so this is probably the biggest factor for me that I need to develop in as well.

I mean overall there's really nothing wrong with how I'm living my life right now. I feel like it could be better, so I want to not be complacent with my fun habits which I'm noticing right away while I'm at work the next day. I have places to go and see and yet to meet and then take this beautiful lover on an awesome and fun ride for the rest of our lives.

Focusing On Winning

Honestly, I'm just in this mood to build up my confidence and get my things together and then trying to go meet and ask out Mrs. Right. I think the one thing I need to look at is managing my time well for creating personal satisfaction. I'm basing this on my experience with playing online poker earlier today. I had a 88% chance of winning $2.50 with my own $2.50 on the line after my opponent went all-in. It happens, I lost! Fortunately, it's just nickels and dimes. It's getting me to think that I don't want to put myself into these sticky situations where I have to play with favorable percentages and then live with the outcome.  

The safe bet after all effort and preparation has been done for myself will be to create some good software for people to use and make a business out of it. If the market that I'm targeting based on research has profit potential and won't drain so much money out of my pocket except just time spent to learn it and creating a strong and useful product then it's definitely a whole lot safer to explore it and will bring upon satisfaction because it's what I'm into doing for making a living! This is what it's all about. It's all about having this passion and deep willingness to work on some things and then going for the ride. Having the skills and experience to become a project manager for a successful company would be awesome as well, while designing my own work on the side to hopefully profit from selling enough copies of. I think this is going for hitting the home run ball while playing online poker is something to feed this temporary drive of living on the edge, even though it's very little money that's being wagered right now.

Little Thing I Need To Work On

Ever since implying on this blog about how I'm a couch potato from letting myself get sucked into harem-comedy anime, I have let up on it quite a bit and even better at not letting myself view porno either. Honestly, it's got pretty boring and I would rather long for the real thing after getting married to a nice chick! I guess that's where I have all this confusion set in place for me like stressing out at work trying to figure out the answer while being diligent best as possible.

I have this little issue with myself so far where I can't double down for the day. What I mean is I can't brush my teeth twice, wash my face twice, and remember twice to do something as a routine. I can get it out of the way in the morning, but at night, I'm battling feelings of being exhausted and it's so easy to watch something that's funny while being tired so that's what I've been doing. I'm going to have to learn to be resilient even while being tired and this is pretty much my step that I would have to succeed in.

I believe my ego is a whole lot better than unusual and I feel like I could do a lot- always. It's time to figure it out and live out my life to the fullest because I want to be this way from having the ego. I guess if I was forced into living a few years from having cancer or anything- I might end up wasting away my life from trying to play video games and eating delicious food all day as long as my body could take it. If this is my ideal life, then I know something is wrong with me so I might as well do something else instead because there's this guilt factor underneath me that always tries to get me. I would rather be happy then feeling regretful so I'm going to have to get to work and hopefully enjoy what I accomplished while making a lot of cash and the girl of my dreams wanting to do anything with me! It sounds like a beautiful and awesome life to me, so I want to find out if it is.

Making Use of Time Properly

I have found out that I can burn my weight off easy if I lay off of the junk food, put my body in motion for at least twenty minutes, and get a good night's rest. The main thing is really watching out with the diet and having a good night's rest for me. It's like burning off the water weight because my metabolism kicks in from having exciting dreams and then not remembering them at all!

Anyway, my dreams are pretty funky and it's like how it is for me sometimes at work. I'm just staring into complete space and trying to get the job done sometimes. I'm having a hard time trying to understand something and frustrated a little from wanting to get it done and stressed out. I guess that's life and I signed up for some more of that with this online class that I'm really interested in learning. I think it's going to be fun and seriously a huge stepping stone to get to where I want to be in life from a financial standpoint.

I'm doing the math here. From playing online poker, I'm wasting about an hour and can risk up to five dollars and feel like a really long time. I have this systematic way of playing where I'll just keep conserving my chips and pressure the opponent to letting me win even if I don't think I have a made hand. Of course, I'll get bluffed at or give in also to the other opponents who like to bet a huge amount and risk not getting paid off for their good hand or lose from making a stupid gamble! It's all crunching pot odds and going for it or signing off for the next opportunity and feeling good about the hands that were being played. I have all of that going.

With this whole online poker thing and only risking like five dollars for the whole day, it doesn't really amount to much profit and feels like a wasted effort for me. My day job obviously pays a whole lot better. I could be making a lot more money initially if I worked on something else and have more free time to hang out with the pretty ladies who might be interested in dating me later. If I just keep at it, then I'm not really going to go places because my style of poker is not to make those crazy and genius moves that are so outside the box. It's conservative and aggressive and I try to be deceptive. Almost all the decent online players are like this so it's like battling for the pot that just keeps going back and forth with the online casinos enjoying a nice payday from taking a small piece of the pot we generate. I would rather be the relaxed online casino who has the environment set and pay my taxes while living off of a large amount of customers who pay me well for the services.

I think I'll just stick to my business game plan and since I'm signed up for online classes now to enhance my knowledge in the field of software engineering and creative product creation with management, I'll just try to program something from research that can generate some profit with happy customers. I feel the incentive to do this on my own because it's really cool to have a portfolio like this and to have a side business while at the same time obtaining a decent job from companies that have made it big already.

Chasing After Dreams

I personally have a lot of long term aspirations, but the hardest one has probably been trying to find the right lady to marry. From lacking in personal confidence with my appearances and not being fully at the level of satisfaction of making a comfortable living, I struggle sometimes. However, lately, I've been just going out there to try to have fun socializing with attractive ladies. It's not really that hard for me and how hot, intelligent actresses don't really entice me so much anymore, it's the easy part. Getting them to do things with me is more likely the hard part and finding that love connection which I'm hoping for someday. I'm really optimistic and happy about the thought of it happening someday.

I don't feel depressed anymore and it's like constantly on a high or just a level of feeling stressed temporarily. My ego is pretty strong, and I don't like how I'm wasting time while letting my mind act like a drone and seek after small, rewarding pleasures to pass off the time before I fall asleep. It's a cycle that I realize for myself and have always struggled with.

I need to do something about this unwanted cycle that I go through during my personal time. There's nothing wrong with it, but looking back at it today, I'm not satisfied and don't want to be complacent about it. In contrast, I know a buddy and can see on his face that he isn't happy. He does enjoy a good laugh though and will forget how unhappy his situation is for maybe a couple hours, if nothing else reminds him of it. He has definitely adopted escapism and in a way, I believe that most of us have. I'm not so much a fan of doing it for only myself.

I have goals to seek after, and it feels like if I write it out while also still chasing after the Lord then it's going to be all better. It's a belief I personally have and so far, I've been lucky over not receiving disastrous events. I might feel bad from getting conned and losing small stuff occasionally like spending my money on things I should know better. I also lost out on patching up relationships with people from taking a step back and trying to listen to others. They aren't that smart as it turns out and I think I still know better and can make it happen. The restraining orders seriously scared me a lot into doing my usual acts on those people who were mad at me. They are in denial and say they weren't mad, but I know what I did and can explain it and bring it up in their faces for them to try to deny more and in a way, this gets them to laugh. My secret weapon is causing them to laugh and then forcing them to realize from pressing really hard that it's not a big deal. After all, I've been lucky that it's not really a big deal with what caused the screwed up mess and no matter how much it angers me, it's been something for me to grow off of and to learn from and to keep on aspiring.

Yeah, I'm not doing anything really to get in trouble and can put myself in that spot with those crazy people complaining otherwise. I've been outsmarting them already from just being myself, and I've been told honestly by someone going crazy that she was really depressed about the situation. She picked the wrong side of being crazy and is regretting it while keeping a peaceful stance with me. She can't imagine getting spiteful there and was mad from looking at it stupid and misleading herself. I think this is what caused the restraining orders in the first place, and I didn't do my part to defend myself courageously because I was scared for my life back then. I still became crazy and did courageous things but like a stupid man I didn't think through how to keep it off of me. It's all my fault and I should have done better there and next time, if there is one with that crazy dumb lady again, I will perform a whole heck of a lot better and the way it should have been. I'm not looking for a third chance!

Personal Stupid Acts of Regression

I'm honestly not proud of doing these things, but since this is an anonymous blog and I now have close friends to regularly meet up with along with being able to meet more good-looking and random people, I don't really have too much of an issue with talking about it on here. Everything I did isn't criminal-like behavior. It's just something I find dumb for myself and could have done better. I can't really find a lot of room to talk about these things to others because I don't think they really care in the first place and probably there's something better to do at those social gatherings or other thoughts to constantly replace them.

I ended up setting up a new router that I bought for my dad. To test out its latency and effective streaming quality, I remembered something that I had trouble streaming in the past. I went on that site and it's pretty much a site that streams free porn. It's not like those free sites where you hit play to watch a video, but it's something like it because it's an actual channel that is being broadcasted by a perverted and generous host somewhere in the world! I ended up also measuring myself and feel that it's quite big for my size and felt all macho for awhile also while feeling some excitement but then the video feed became boring and I made myself out of it. It felt like watching the same thing over and over again with no plot. Getting able to see hot and sexy actresses naked from the Internet is always great but when they are doing something boring and doesn't really have much to deal with you, man it is what it is!

I feel dumb about testing out how slow the new router was by going on those sites because they have frozen for me in the past. It didn't freeze and I was able to watch it without any interruptions that I have faced in the past. It's just that it was really boring after awhile and I just can't see myself practicing to that material right now. I didn't even practice surprisingly but had fun measuring myself using a device that isn't intrusive and not a ruler because I couldn't find one. Seeing and reminding myself that it's pretty long, I'm quite happy and feeling macho as a result. I'm ready to find a sexy and nice wife now who is in it for what I'm in it for too.

I remember pledging that I'm not going to have much to deal with my addictions of just reading about American professional baseball and checking up scores of different teams. I could do this for hours and just lose track of time while eventually not even placing any bets. I might be able to have a decent feel if my favorite team is going to win or not and try to bet but I just don't feel interested in it even with all that knowledge I can fill my head temporarily with. Instead of dealing with baseball, I ended up dealing with American professional basketball!

It's interesting that Magic Johnson is no longer running operations for the world-famous Lakers team. They even let go of their head coach. Now, the local sportswriter said on his column that the Lakers are going to suck even more now! Okay, I don't think I had to know all of those things.

It's time to make some more minor adjustments practically to my behaviors and go for that improvement. I'm cursing less at my personal thoughts even around nobody and just myself. I guess that's one good that's came out of writing so let's see how well I get myself organized with all these complicated tasks I have in mind for doing. Mainly, it's raising a lot of money and creating so much free time I can do things that normal people would be a little too lazy to do.

Going For The Home Runs

My self-confidence level is pretty above normal right now and spending days doing nothing but work and no play doesn't really bother me so much anymore. It's just that I want to have a job with something that I feel really satisfied over earning money with. It took awhile, but I found out that I want to make my living off of developing video games. At the same time, it's pretty odd that I feel passionate about working for free as a physician! It would be nice to have those medical skills and put them to good use for impoverished people who are suffering and to also further my personal knowledge about how the human body works. It's quite interesting, but I think I'll be happy with barely knowing enough to always stay an entry-level doctor!

What I'm going after are difficult tasks and I'm not bothered by it. I really have to thank my attitude back in those days while I was struggling to keep on sticking it out. I don't mind having to go through it again because it just reminds me of good times from all the struggles I had and to come out of it alive and happy. In a sense, it's just how the mind can start operating really cool and the body will stay relaxed while going through the process of learning. 

It's not so much a hassle anymore with seeking instant gratification and working on something else. It's a continuous process and it's happening because studying the material is becoming much of an enjoyable art. There's no need to worry about how better one is than the other, unless the person is trying to step into something first. If it's competitive then yes, worry away and try hard to beat the opponent; otherwise, just don't really worry so much about it. It's about reaching satisfying results and once it happens, that's what matters more than how long it took unless it's so long and caused some relationship problems. 

In a sense, it's about going after the reasonable home runs in life and trying to knock them out the park hardest as possible. It may take awhile, but it's really all about putting in the effort and having a goal in mind and then striving to reach it. If reaching it is happiness then it's a great thing!  

Finding Stability With Earnings

It looks like with me having a deeper interest in software engineering and having worked as a software developer so far, I can now go for making more money from creating something on the side. I don't think too many of my college friends have this similar level of interest that I do. I'm going to have to go out of my way to find some suitable colleagues eventually if I need help. I don't really want to work with one of them either who suggested this app idea for making money. It's like his dream project I think, but I don't really want to put in the work because I would be one of the main guys doing most of the developing. It would need to be him, but he lacks so much in developing skills and also some personal confidence in it. I just can't do this favor for him right now. I'm working on my own things. Actually, he is a people's person and can do the managing side with the right amount of talent, but I just don't feel like working for him as my boss.

I want to be the ideal boss. I want to be like a Steve Jobs type of person, who knows everything about the business from top to bottom and can even complete the work by himself and is very successful and efficient at all those things as well. This friend of mine just doesn't have the technical skillset I admire, and I don't think he has even tried to learn more over these past years. I guess since he now is married and his wife is expecting to raise a cute family; he's not really going to have time to mess around like he used to and put himself to work to get paid more. I think he envies my position right now, but not where I'm at. It's where I could be that I need to work on for myself and then just mindfully getting things done while not being phased by what others think and keeping that going.

Learning From Stressful Memories

A lot of times, all of these memories randomly come back to haunt me when I'm doing something related to it. I end up acting a little weird like sticking out my middle finger and saying another person's name is at fault or just saying a swear word. The reason why I'm able to write this post now is because I want to have self-improvement over these incidents. It's like I could have totally gone a different and happy direction still even though some things misfired.

I'll give an example I learned and how I could better myself next time. I signed up to meet this card playing chick and her female buddy. It was just us three. I showed up thirty minutes late without saying anything and then she gave me the complete cold shoulder and banned me from her group! She wouldn't pick up the phone while I was there and trying to ask to get in. I was stuck and it really sucked.

What I could have done instead is leave her a message that I was going to be late and apologize beforehand about underestimating the traffic that was causing me from getting there and also suggest we go to another hotspot to join with more people and have fun also. This occurs because I'm able to stay calm and learn from my mistakes now.

Basically to conclude this, I have to be very careful and on top of my game and focusing with everything I have now when I decide to go beat the person who put a restraining order on me at her own game. I don't have one on me anymore, and she's been dumb to not move on from her hang out spot. I have another shot to beat her this time and make a fool out of her while she's around all her main peers. This is going to take a lot of detailed coordination and thinking while executing smoothly on my feet. I've been lazy so far at doing these things, so I will need to practice by doing things that are far more important and making these similar connections. Fortunately, I have a nice excuse to stay away from her for awhile, but once I have done what I need to do then it's time to go play for the win and personal pride of beating her silly at her own game.  

Putting In The Effort

I'm realizing now that I have a lot of personal time and there's something I need to do for making the most out of those situations. I'm still listening to an audio Bible translation every time I drive places by myself. I tune in and out just like how it is whenever I visit church. I really feel like I have a potential ministry going and it could be a lot better, but it may never be that polished. I'm just going to be always that foolish and stubborn believer who is too chicken to do crazy bad things to land in jail and will always be that way, but at least I do something about it to the people who drive me crazy and I'm the one laughing about it now. They probably forgot about it and are putting their stupid focus on something else to be annoying. I'm not the right person to really cross because I end up trying to stay friends in the end, so better to always be nice with me!

With this personal time while driving and trying to tune into the Bible, I'm really addicted to thinking and laughing about the things I said or did that day. It's always silently thinking and then I also get these temporarily tantrums from thinking about the past and say a curse word or here loudly while the car is in motion and no one is riding with me. If there's a person around, I keep all my swear words in. I have been so mad and argued without ever saying a curse word and even winning the battle while the other person got scared of me. It happened to me at the last trip. Actually, I didn't battle with the people who put a restraining order on me. I was trying my best to be courteous and sort things out but they kept on being stupid with me. I should have battled with them and then I would be the one laughing without those unnecessary headaches. I felt so insecure back then and that's probably what caused me to lose out on the opportunity of beating them swiftly. It's really all my fault and I take responsibility with it, but next time, I will be playing at full difficulty level against them. It's like setting the CPU mode on master-level of a video game. I will make myself that type of opponent with those people, next time.

Okay, moving on, I want to eliminate waste from sitting there and doing useless things for entertainment when it's all by myself. I have people's company to go to and enjoy doing those things with. I don't really want to come home and turn on the TV anymore. I want to get other things done and even keep doing this while I'm feeling worn out, tired, annoyed, and misguided by my feelings. I'm just going to have to practice self-denial of the flesh and trade it in for maintaining a better life and finding that satisfaction with marrying a beautiful and noble woman.  

Working Hard Consistently

I think my weakest point of productivity occurs late at night when I'm just feeling drained and want to only relax and watch something to entertain myself while letting myself get carried away. This is probably the last thing I need to get rid of before I can become a very diligent person. I guess my personal standards are really high and at the same time I want to keep this same and hard routine going regimentally.

With the whole getting a girlfriend part, it's pretty difficult because I'm picky about my preferences of how a girl looks and don't see too many physically attractive ones. They are around though but I think those girls don't really come out like they say they will sometimes. Along with this small number of ladies for me to try to pursue after, it's like they could also not be that into me for whatever reason so it even dwindles my chances so much more.

Oh well, this is my circumstance but I'm not going to lose hope and just keep on playing the field in hopes of meeting single and attractive ladies best as I can and ending up with a good wife I'm proud of being married too. I believe it's a two way street and the lady will have to be accepting of me. I'm not that good looking even though I like to think otherwise sometimes. Oh well, I'll keep on working on it; I'm not giving up. It's going to have to be eventually for me and it's always going to be like that.  

Abstaining And Practicing It

I can say that I'm really fortunate to finally end up with a position that I love getting paid for, after going through a lot of personal hassles of getting there. Now, it's time to find the right lady for me to marry and be proud of for being my wife. The end!

Okay, I have another willing lady who is interested in helping me too now. It's now two ladies instead of one who joined my team. I think each lady has a different way of getting inspired for going out of her way to help out. What's really important is to connect well with the really nice ones who are also brilliant. I'm comparing it to this crazy and gay guy I met at the trip and man he has total anger issues; he flat out stated that he thinks I'm boring and didn't want to help me cook even though he said he loves to chop onions. What a bitter man, totally! Oh well, he's one of those crazy guys who can't handle his anger issues too well and he said he's going to a therapist so at least he's doing something right while he went off on me. I ended up shouting at him too while we were arguing and then he built a small grudge against me and then I made it leave him later on because he likes my asexual and attractive, close female friend a lot who travels with me often. I put in a lot of effort to make it happen!

Getting back to point of discussion, I'm talking about practicing abstinence from watching baseball games for awhile now and even from reading articles of who is going into the Hall of Fame- man, it's such clickbait and also watch-bait for me. I don't have to worry about it being a cardinal sin because I'm no professional in this area, but it would be tons of fun to earn a position related to it then I would be getting slobbery drool all over myself from number-crunching the stats of some godly performances for the current status. There's a manager who was even banned from baseball for life because he kept on gambling that his team would win and maybe against some of his opponents! I guess that's considered to be shady because who would ever want to do that now?

Okay, I also need to practice abstinence from feeding my brain with more clickbait on the Internet. It's about time that I got really serious about finding a nice woman to raise a family with instead of engaging so heavily and intimately while breathing so hard from laughing at all the funny things I keep on reading about with those cute kittens! This is going to be pretty easy to abstain from once I can land myself a girlfriend for sure though.

Abstaining From Lesser Things For Greater Goods

First of all, I'm defining good to be something that provides a lot of satisfaction. Now there are some crazy people out there who can't handle certain things and just can't do anything about it. I'm not one of those types with anger issues. Actually, I feel really empowered to do things to people who tick me off and so I'm more like a very scary person to them who will do crazy things and then laugh at them in the end and continue the beat down and insults for awhile. They ask me to let it go but it's really me just continuing to express myself and feeling good because I'm doing something about it while they might feel totally helpless, and I make fun of them for it because of what they did to me.

I mean other than having no problems with people who tick me off  and then trying to screw them over even some more by putting on my nice act and forcing them to try to be my friend, I guess I don't have issues with holding a grudge and only because I seek out being friends ultimately in the end after I scarred them heavily from ticking me off. Some sensitive friends admit that with my nice character, they don't really want to see me get mad. With someone unreasonable like my dad when he's mad and I'm mad, my dad runs away and doesn't argue with me but he will go crazy with others. This is why, it's probably not a good idea to tick me off because I will do something about it and not hold a grudge to the point of actually making a move to stay friends. It's really annoying for people who want to stay enemies with me but they will get sucked in to my magic tricks eventually. The preparation takes a really long time for me though and I can say that I don't really care now that I had two restraining orders on me and never went to jail nor a mental hospital and is going to stay that way because I never stalked them to begin with- they were crazy and couldn't handle something with me that didn't really deal with us.

I can still approach one of them and the other, I just don't really care to bother and since he's supposedly a straight guy sometimes, I didn't see why he had to go there and be such a jerk about it. I think he needs to get help if he still hasn't resolved whatever issues from the past there and can't move forward to being on friendly terms. I can do it with no problems and I beat him to it, but this adrenaline flow is what is causing me to act this way because I want to top him at everything.

Being Successful At What You Want

I think my main model that I want to focus on is the perceived personalities of the top athletes in professional sports. They are basically getting paid for doing what they want to keep on doing, while having pretty good relationships with their bosses and teammates, family and friends, and media.

Modeling off of this, it pretty much means cutting down on the excess behaviors that will not contribute to being at the highest level of satisfaction. Why not work on something that you love doing and go for being paid the best amount for it?

There are a few complicating factors for me. First off, I do want to now find and marry a beautiful and loving lady who is totally right for me. I haven't been that lucky in the area so far, so that's going to be my struggle for awhile. My parents want me to marry off and have kids, but I am resistant about settling down with just anyone available. I want to find a woman I love and can share a happy, positive union with. If I never get there then I don't mind taking all the blame for it and am not going to flip out anymore as I usually have done.

It must be that it's really important to dissociate with unproductive things and to quickly throw out things or revisit some things that might have been overlooked from constantly doing self-assessments. I'm currently staying at the business I work in a long eleven hours including lunch and then have to drive another 50 minutes on average to commute back and forth. It pretty much exceeds half my day already and then having my mind shutting down to close out the day right after eating dinner.

I can honestly say that I struggled constantly with finding out what I'm into and trying to balance out my life and interpersonal relationships with others. I believe that I am the better man with all the drama that has caused two sides for me and won naturally by default in the end but I want to show for it through positive actions now, and it means leading myself to higher levels of success in monetary gain and skills that I've never reached to do things I've always dreamed about while staying the cool person I want to be. Where there's a will, there has always got to be a way. I will win again and continue the pattern even if it takes awhile for me until there's no life left in me.      

Being Bored Off Of Something

After like three weeks of not looking at porno and feeling these hormones of wanting it and just typing in a word to search on Google, I stumbled onto a sexy image that triggered me and so it became my session. I wasn't surprised by how short I lasted and then I tried again and it became longer and then became pretty long. The next day, it was long and boring so I got bored of looking at porno and the same videos I fantasize about. It's like I don't need it anymore now and see how it goes. I know that I'm packing good stuff and am really confident but it's going to be some work to be good because in my fantasy the lady was doing most of the work and she's probably going to be too tired if it's going to be like a daily thing. First of all, I need to get lucky with finding her and she should be hot enough while being a nice person.

Okay, I think I'll be back to my three to four week trend of slowly craving porno again, but I think what triggered me was from feeling inadequate about my love performance even though I don't have a lady love yet. I'm being stupid and it's like always in the back of my mind and then the feelings of reward from looking at it is like stress relieving momentarily, just that it became boring again. I honestly don't know if I'm going to keep up a consistent love-life with the hot girl I'm lucky enough to find in marriage. Hopefully, the real thing will be so much better than watching a video and trying to practice boring techniques while feeling excited temporarily!

For a current offering, I'm friends with a close girl who is attractive and she likes me. I can tell and she calls me up and talks to me and even asks to do things together. It's just that connection I feel that she feels with me. It's just that I think she's asexual right now, so I'm just treating her like my buddy. She's been getting extra comfortable with me and sounded a little moody via text when I teased her with implication that we are just friends. I'm going to keep it that way for now- I'm not looking to be in a dating relationship with an asexual even though she's pretty hot to be honest and packed on a little weight. I'm going to try to play my cards by hitting the gym, doing online sites, and going to events that have some hot ladies signed up to go and then just try to get to know some of them. I would rather be friends then end up in some divorce, so I want to play this game right. I'm a lot older now and ready to settle with a good woman who can offer a lot of the things I fantasize about and even enjoys doing them.

Making Proper Connections

I'm realizing that when my mind is slowing down, then I'm looking for some clickbait to feed my brain with. Like yesterday, I read articles on the chances of future hall of famers for professional athletes. I know, what does it really have to do with me?  Anyway, I found it to be entertaining and quite interesting since I'm a fan of certain teams and it feels cool about how some of them have a good chance of winning for the whole season. I'm probably going to be a lifelong fan of the Angels and it's thanks to me watching them as a kid on my small 10-inch TV screen and learning how the game of baseball is played just from watching several games and rooting them to win all of a sudden! It even became heightened when I had a chance to watch them at the stadium and it became a really close game and the team won during extra innings on a bases loaded situation with the opposing pitcher throwing four balls.

I guess there's just too many good things in life that covers all the bad stuff that happened. I mean those bad experiences along with the unnecessary sufferings I put myself through really shaped me to be the person I am today. Just from making this bold assertion all of a sudden to live honestly best as I can and to finally figure out that I've been debating all this time with people who I disagreed with and found something that was temporarily good, it's cool to realize that I have this age where I'm seeing things and making connections. Some people just don't seem to care nor pay attention to where I'm headed though. I mean it's totally fine nowadays, and I have been making peace with it a lot better. I don't know what it was, but I just snapped back into place.

Making Time Worthwhile

For the longest time and still is, it's great to have so much fun and be preoccupied while letting time pass by especially if the person is feeling miserable from how life is treating him or her. When I'm down in the dumps because a lady I like wants to do something else, I feel like looking at porno and practicing some mad, handling skills. Yet, I think I can put it on hold because I don't really know how the real thing goes to be honest. I don't know what it's like in other words to have a lovely partner and be married to her and she just wants in on that action regularly. It is a big deal, so I would rather spend my time looking for Mrs. Right these days before I have to sneak in some practicing sessions to better my performance and have some fun at it while my mind is just on her at the same time!

I have been spending the last few days mindlessly reading up on random junk like all of that addictive clickbait and not even supporting those websites by clicking on their ads. I think they still get paid from leaving those annoying commercials readers have to view. It's probably a really good cash model and works really well for them. I wish I thought of it and beat them to it but I'm just not the type to really want to influence people to give me money out of their pockets.

I would rather develop and hire people to sell the best video games ever! I guess I can see myself being a modern inventor/merchant of that sort and do it all from the comfort of my sofa in the living room and laptop sitting on top of something cold and comfy. I'm contradicting myself but I can see myself running a serious business from being a video game developer. It's frankly because it's fun and they just don't really make those good games like they used to. It now needs to add in all of those elements gamers are spoiled by, and I would have to develop a talented staff to make it work even though I want to do it all on my own. It's basically time, experience, and money. I want in on this industry but so many people want it and they are crazy competitive and people I don't want to mess with. People shouldn't even be messing with me when it comes down to this field! I'll just work my way up from being a software engineer and try to hire them later with my funds I got from being successful at trading.

Making End's Meet

I listened to a self-promoter's sales pitch and realized the guy is full of it from running a business that wants to partner up with only people who will make him more money, after they pay off unknown teachers to get an education. It's the same old scandal that people who can't think for themselves and willing to take out their checkbooks or borrow money from lenders that they can take advantage of. I know it because I was one of them back then and it took awhile to get rid of what I technically owed.

I was in a really desperate situation with wanting to be financially well-off. I still want this for myself, but it can't happen from just relying on anybody. Intelligent people will look into their situation and not try to risk it unless they know someone personally who has this talent to hopefully learn off of. I am that guy to learn off of, and I frankly don't really care to be someone who will drive this insane profit to other people's checkbooks while they just sit there worrying about where their money is going to end up. I want the people I work for to also be worthy in other words and I have set standards in place already and even for a close friend I swore to secrecy about my methods, I'm still going to make her work for it unless she just wants to flat out give up from thinking it's too retarded or stressful for her to pick up on. I don't have any objections about it with those types of people. To me, they aren't quitting because they were probably not meant for it and I just happened to be that lucky guy who found his way to filling up my bank account while creating a lot of personal time for myself. It's the incentive that makes it worthwhile and a person needs to live it to understand and appreciate the value of investing, so to just simply grab more money from others and share profit isn't something I am keen on doing. I don't even want to lose and take advantage of these people with an inferior product either, but it's something I will work on improving. They can make a little bit of return consistently which is more sensible while I keep on collecting for services.

In the meantime, while I'm still getting situated with becoming a millionaire who will use the money wisely and not show off like a doofus, I realize I can always get my six-figures from studying to be a software engineer. I really enjoy programming and I already have my bachelor's in Computer Science, so now I believe it's advantageous of me to go seek for a master's of the field I'm really interested in doing and has the biggest opportunity for me. I feel that I am blessed to have this desire to develop software and to think the path of a software engineer is really fun and not too difficult to keep up with through all the struggles of getting that project off the ground.

Along with acquiring this degree with software engineering background and studying at the graduate level, it also offers being able to go into management upon completion and putting several years into the industry. This practically means the ultimate job security on the table for me if I ever leave it and have to go back later, along with doing something I'm really into for as long as I need to. On the side, I could be trying to make more money from trading and eventually have enough time to build video games and learn skills to be a volunteer physician in destitute locations sponsored heavily by good charities.

All of this studying on the side to build crazy and cool software and still learning to trade successfully while making some progress, I can't go wrong with also spending some time looking for a beautiful wife now.

Relating Life To Poker

Playing online poker legally, I have this correlation from just feeling something and realizing it. Man that one girl was actually pretty hot back then. I should have made a move on her, but another girl was like just get her e-mail out in the open. Man, those church girls trying to block my moves. Oh well, it happens and it's funny and I realize that hot girl just wanted to be my friend. I was really interested in exploring her field so I guess it was going to be like that in the end anyway. Just friends, but I think that other girl was just being weird with me and wanted it to maybe develop into something over time possibly. I don't know and I don't care now. It's all in the past and behind me.

From playing poker strategically, it's like wasting away chips while trying to play for a pot with a starting hand that you are interested in. It's like fishing for a good start and all about making the right preparations. It's like going around and studying things to invest one's time into for gaining profit and then just losing time if it turns out to be not encouraging to continue for profit. It's all about the practice of making preparations and doing it right over time. It's like continuously making mistakes while chasing after ladies and not getting any success out of it, but one day it just happens naturally. It's like the moment arrives where you meet someone who you are actually interested in after all this time. It's happened to me too late a few times because I didn't realize back then, but now I know another single girl who I'm interested in dating without really any concerns to begin with. It's like I found my pocket aces.

Next it comes down to playing the field and competing for the pot. In this case, I will be playing all of these intricate moves to try to get her to be my girlfriend or someone I can just go around dating for fun and pretty consistently. Actually, I think back then the girl I went on a blind date with wasn't so bad, but she was just too busy for me and plain looking for my appearances so I wasn't interested. She said it was a date so maybe she was my prospect back then and it was a set up from my parents. I wasn't into it and it didn't work out even though I wasn't too bad with holding a conversation and maybe in the end, if she was interested in having intimacy, then I don't know where it would have gone from there except trying to tie the knot if I developed feelings for her I guess.

With this playing the field, there's going to be competition and even if I have the best odds of winning the pot, it's life and something can come around on the next corner of the street to beat me to it. Maybe she could end up just wanting to stay friends instead of dating me, so that's going to be a blow. Or maybe, she might not be the person I expected her to be because I have heard something questionable about her past already from a friend. From what I have noticed, I can play it to my favorable odds or catch up to get ahead as long as I can keep it alive.

I'm still alive with my game of never finding any prison time and being locked up at a mental institution. I say all this with a big laugh underneath me and I will put in 110% to never let that happen by strictly following all the rules. I didn't have any experience with what's it like having a restraining order from someone previously but I did learn to sense boundaries, signs, and how to dissociate my anger from the situation. I also didn't let it get the best of me nor take away my chances of long term employment. It's pretty impressive over all in the end with what I was able to accomplish even with it on me for a few years.

If I ever concede because I have to from life like maybe the girl I'm interested in ends up falling in love with someone else or dies from a tragedy and hopefully never, I've been still gaining experience on how to fish for finding my preferable mate- my pocket aces. The more times I find these starting hands and play them out with my best focus, the better my chances of winning in the end and eventually it just happens, duhhhh!

Putting In Some Work

There's really not much bothering me a lot anymore. It frankly has to do with not caring about the things that made me so mad in the beginning. Am I really sure about it? Not really so I will do something about it and this is where it can get scary because I am really high on debating with people and pretty used to it. I'm even debating plenty with that close attractive friend who I think is asexual right now. I know she likes me, seriously! Well yeah, it's so obvious but just that she's not into doing the dating scene currently. Maybe, it could change if she meets the right guy but I feel sorry for that man at this point and I hope that guy isn't me! She's practically friend-zoning me while being in like-mode with me, and I don't really mind being buddies really and trying to always have a lot of fun and get her to do things with me. Is it going to be me trying to lead her down the path of being stuck with me in marriage? I hope not for now.

I think arguing is really fun especially if my arguments will end up with me laughing the most and ticking off the other person so much but he or she can't say anything in return. I plan to act like this since I don't really care now and out to get my selfish interests which is just really nothing but just an ultimate insult while adding injury to the person who I don't really have much grudge left with and will benefit my soul so much and make me so happy. I might debate and fight hard for it as long as the legal system can permit me to. Maybe the person will go for another restraining order on me because she did back then but it fizzled out, and I already got my revenge by doing what she didn't want me to do in the first place and almost consistently too without landing in prison or a mental hospital. I'll just happily prove these points and then be like go ahead, add another useless restraining order on me to that person in front of everyone and see how she feels about it after by asking her to be my friend and hang out with me all day and all night while I keep on laughing at her! It seriously sounds like the ultimate fun plan for every remaining jerk on this planet. Let's make it happen and see what happens in the end- probably nothing because I'll force it to go that way.

In a way this writing feels like a catharsis and that I'm gangster rapping in a really nice way to invoke personal laughter and in hopes that others will do the same. I'm sure my crowd exists out there. I guess putting the pieces together and communicating it with my style now is really funny and incredibly hard to stay mad at and may work out with others for a short guy like me. 

Risking It Plenty

I can only blame myself for getting civil restraining orders that didn't affect me in any way except for the relationships of those people. I'm still able to work and now those restraining orders are not on me and I could go and bother only one of them out of the two who put it on me and two more who tried to but couldn't. I honestly don't really care that I had those upon me in the past. I don't mind going up to that person remaining and just bothering until the person just walks out and stays in hiding! The other people weren't that close enough for me to even know where they are at, so I guess the blame is all on me. Oh well, because it still doesn't affect my chances of trying to find hot ladies to go date!

I guess it's not even a risk then to go bother that person who is left remaining because I already know I don't need to stalk that crazy beep-beep-beep. I could care less how that person gets up in the morning and could even care less what is going on in that stupid head. Anyway, I could just flex my muscles once I have them from working out and be like oh yeah, you can't touch these because they are mine to that person and then go find some hot ladies to try to go date!

What To Write

I think if I put something scary on here then it would be taken really seriously and maybe the feds would come over after tracking me. I mean even if it's just April Fools to me in mind, I guess I would be crazy to say something like that with my growing communication skills and make everybody mad in the end, right? I basically don't want to risk it and go find myself a hot, single, and available girl while she's also attracted to me to go date. I might as well try to go about making that happen besides letting my mind rot away while trying to collect chump change and play online poker (legally) while falling half asleep for a few hours. I could trade the time for that mindless habit and utilize the time to work on myself to try to attract those single and hot girls.

It would be so awesome to have them line up someday and I get to just pick and choose who to marry or who to have some more fun with or be friends with. The question is how do I get there with the impossible looking figure that I already have now? I need to get go hit the gym and turn it into something possible! Right now!!!

Actually I talked to that attractive girl I'm close to, so man I'm going to be blunt here but I think she's asexual even though I know she likes me. She's not going to be pleasing to me even though I can keep up with her and even out do her in the areas she wants to have fun because I enjoy doing those things too a lot. I guess that's why she's my friend because she likes me while being a weird and incapable of sex type of human being right now. Maybe I could try convincing her a little to turn that way towards having a thing for men and then feel some little hope while I chase her all the way from downtown and to her house. She can also be scary when she's moody too, and I don't want to be around it so I think the wise decision will be to go hang around with other good looking ladies and see if they can hook me up with a nice and attractive lady to build a happy relationship around! This is real life, and I don't want to feel like I'm in some rom-com situation because it really hurts being that guy.