Just Committing Without Question

For the most part, I'm just going to have to let it go with thinking about crazy people and regretting not dealing with them the way I wanted. I'll have my opportunities again in the future and this time it's going to be me initiating and doing it for reals and not half-certain about it. With the stuff I'm going through, I'm feeling worn out at times and not in the mood for doing certain things. It feels like this everyday right after I come back from work. I just want to relax and munch off of popcorn and watch some professional athletes duke it out on TV for entertainment. I'm not satisfied with it though after and it hurts to add in dumb feelings of how I want to check out girls online I'm not even close to scoring a relationship with! Well, I guess they are driven by money for making a living with what they are doing.

With all these crazy feelings underneath me, I'm just going to have to set out and complete my to-do list to the best of my ability on a daily basis and turn it into a routine for me. I will bicker about it with myself later and make adjustments. It's just committing to getting it done even though I might be feeling empty and all messed up internally at that moment. It will be like when I'm able to wake up after dealing with those feelings of havoc the next day while at work, I will be able to reflect if I'm satisfied with how I'm making progress and go from there.

Figuring Out Routine

It looks like from having thought about this for years now, I have been trying to find the right balance for myself in what to set out to do everyday. The trickiest part for me is pretty much dealing with personal desires of wanting sex and to perform at it so well! It feels like some physiological need and part of me that is here to stay and can just resurface at any given time. I do want to have an intimate connection with the right lady I'm married to, so I'm going to have to trust in the Lord with this area to deliver the goods someday and to even accept any chances of it never happening like a gentleman. I'll settle this time for nothing but the best the Lord has to offer me. It's like go big or stay home pretty much.

Keeping in mind with how the Lord has allowed me to flourish with my own meaningful life, I have patched up a few areas that I would like to work on. My first area of interest is working out to get in shape and later on to stay in shape while doing physically challenging and fun activities someday. My second is getting really good at investing and earning money on the fly. My third is continuing to pursue after building a relationship with God the Father from trusting in Jesus the Son through believing upon blessings of the Holy Spirit which are based on actively practicing the knowledge gained from studying the Bible; I don't think I'm called to be a pastor at all and probably just anonymous, financial contributor but I need to know and support the ministry's vision before I can and it will be based off of what I know from the Bible. My fourth area of interest is cooking; next, it's editing and publishing visual media; and lastly, organizing or being a follower of fun social gatherings with at least one other person! My hobbies are pretty much playing instruments often accompanied by attempting to self-correct vocals and later on, if I have all the time in the world- video games, anime, and rooting for some home teams.      

Setting My Mind To Do Things

It looks like it's just a matter of time and about searching for opportunities to work on things for obtaining personal satisfaction. I honestly believe that living a life of faith for Jesus is the most important backbone for anyone truly interested in living a joyful and content life. It's the commitment that goes along with it while realizing we are all a fallen people. I honestly don't memorize Scriptures and have trouble studying it on a daily basis, so I need to tune to sermons even though I occasionally zone out to those, too. What I'm able to get out of it when I'm able to put in enough effort and to have done this for years now, it's still great and only because I trust in Jesus to be my Lord and savior.

I've been a Christian for almost 30 years now and I accepted Jesus into my life at around the age of 7. I had my fallen moments from not understanding anything and being angered by other Christians or fake ones while we were still brats! It's amazing how I feel this relationship with God of the universe from having heard teachings on the Bible. Some of it was empty of course, but to find genuine believers who dedicated their life to studying the Bible, man, those people are a blessing and I try to listen to them everyday!

I think I am sort of capable with making guys want to break down and cry when they have something against me originally and I end up speaking to them about something. It's just the way things are and it's only because we humans go through ups and downs in life. You can capitalize on a guy who is highly frustrated, sad, or even happy. It's quite difficult to put up a shell. I was capable of doing it while feeling like I was suffering for a long period.

To find personal stability and a resting place underneath my exterior, it's been largely thanks to the personal experiences and from putting some time to have a relationship with the Father. My faith is pretty much not much and it's like the faith of a mustard seed. I just don't see why I would have to move a mountain using God's Word though, but the point is Jesus said that I could move a mountain from praying to God. God answers only prayers in accordance to His will and I don't see the purpose of moving a mountain other than to cause anxiety for everybody else so what's the point of even praying for it? If I prayed to God and He did that for me, then I would be on cloud nine and feeling like I have extra special powers or something like that, so it would be from wrongful intent. I think I'll pray for something difficult like getting a girl to love me! Actually, I don't think that's difficult with like three girls outside my family already telling me they do.  

Tapping Potential

I'm now comfortably making Forex trades while it caters to my preferences and I see it has a lot of potential to successfully create a nice earning in a few years. Forex is pretty much trading foreign exchange currency rates among sellers and buyers. Its appeal is in that the volatility is what allows for big movement and other traders to capitalize off of. I'm pretty much going to be guarding my simple tricks that I'm coming across and even not share the ones others are willing to reveal and actually work. Trading has a stigma attached to a lot of people's mind who have heard about others losing so much money and even going bankrupt because of it and even seeing it as gambling. If I'm able to be successful at it, I'm just going to enjoy the fruits of my effort with mastering the art of investing.

At this moment of time, I'm also enjoying with working out at a gym and listening to talks on the Scripture. I could sure put a little more personal time to read the Bible and even make a little time to go fellowship with like-minded believers- the Christian singles out there and also some who are descendants of my ethnicity. On top of that, I'm looking to go socialize with acquaintances in a fun and relaxing atmosphere.  

Pretty much, I'm looking to eliminate watching TV on a daily basis and just relying on reading up on the Internet if I ever need any updates on what's going on with this world. I'm having a pretty hard time with cooking and trying out all these different recipes and even making time for doing some cool editing of my videos and photos. It does take a lot of work and so much stuff is going on to be a part of. For the time being, I don't really see it as a curse to be single because I actually have girls to hang out with and during my personal time, I also have things to work on with myself.

I'm not really offended so much about why friends or acquaintances don't want to include me for certain activities. I can see how it might not be really so appealing for me in the end, and they just wouldn't want to bother.

Finding Spiritual Balance

I honestly don't give a hoot about people trying to blame me about stuff now. If I did something so bad and it's illegal then I will accept consequences. Otherwise, it's on them to deal with it and it's something I'm not changing from wanting to be true to myself. I will explain my reasons and if they don't want to accept it then I'm okay with it now. I can just use my go-turn-me-in approach. It's really quite simple, I tell them that they must feel they are so right about something so go put me in jail for it because it's so illegal and I love doing it from being a human being and for such and such good reasons. I tell them that they will fail and let's talk about it with everybody or anybody even interested or the people he is able to convince. The next day, I don't hear from him about it!

Okay, now that I have that settled with sometimes making people go crazy after being passive aggressive with them and laughing at them behind their backs and secretly, I will go attend the churches I want to and not worry about that old church. The people at that old church want me to drop it so it means they have trouble moving on it with it and are disturbed all because of me not wanting to drop it. I gave them the option to help me get out of my oath to go make fun of them eventually, but they can't help me! Okay, it's no big deal for me now but it's a huge annoying thing for them.

With finding spiritual balance, I'm going to churches I'm interested in going to and picking a Christ-centered movement I completely trust. I don't trust in the old church and its beliefs at all. It's all based on mysticism and getting yourself rich and a whole bunch of ooh-la-la's that don't even happen for them even with their pastor saying that it will! I am in the singles ministry obviously for a reason especially with my ability to make fun of everything and everybody who resemble good in this world. I just don't make fun of Jesus and maybe I'm toying with it by making fun of other Christians while I am one myself. I need to draw the balance there with my claims.

I can see there's two single ministries for me to switch off to because it's in the same movement, so who cares if I switch off with different churches. Heck, if it's not in the same movement but they believe the same thing and I find out about it, I can go to that singles ministry too! I am boldly stating that I will attend a singles ministry worship service as my main Sunday worship now. I also like this super small and compact church that reminds me of the old church and reasons for why I went there in the first place. Uh oh, I can see a resemblance with the old church but they belong in the same movement to the singles ministry so I say why not go and try it out! Plus, they speak my language and look like me and have parents who speak my language so it would be cool to part of something small even if it never grows because I can relate to them.

Well if I'm so happy and back to being hunky dory about church and loving Jesus-people even those dumb and crazy believers with the faith of a mustard seed at that old church, then I might go back and not make fun of them when I have to. I honestly don't need to make fun of the old church because my oath I pledged didn't say that I have to! They honestly don't want to help me get out of it and probably don't even want to see me at the same time. They are so doomed!  

Receiving Spiritual Growth

I have taken on to believe in Christ taken from pages of the New Testament and to believe wholeheartedly everything that is clearly stated for me to know about with the Old and New Testament. What's so awesome is that I'm so lazy and not even paying attention to what the Scriptures say sometimes while I'm trying to listen to sermons or even read some passages of the Bible, systematically. I end up zoning out and thinking about other stuff that make me want to laugh on a daily basis or how it feels good to have done something by one upping a person later on in life without them even knowing about it.

Yeah, I'm definitely not called to be a pastor unfortunately. I'm called to stay comfortable and deal with my own issues and to also be loving with others and supportive and to live my life as a Christian to the best of my ability. It's a daily battle for me to let go of crazy people I can't help stop thinking about. What's made it so much better with obtaining satisfaction has been from making fun of those crazy people directly at them while being super honest about everything!

 My time is coming to go make fun of those crazy people at that old church or what's left of it. I don't care if it died out or some natural disaster took out the building. I don't really want to see them, so why now? It's because I swore an oath to God and they are even more crazy with not wanting to help me get out of it! They are probably like, it's okay to sin and turn your back on God- yes, those church people and they are thinking it because they don't want to see me either nor even help me get out of this oath. I'm really stuck now with going back for making fun of them some day.

Reaching Out

I have finally figured out how to go about my silly affairs with people and I do end up just making fun of them and laughing at them anyway. I was like that while making them go crazy and being passive aggressive. With becoming more direct, they are forced to reckon with what they did and to downplay their own actions and later on, realize how they struggled after I point it out and continue to still laugh at them! It hasn't got me in trouble yet from switching over to this direct approach because I'm just feeling so healthy about having a hearty laugh while being honest about my thoughts with them and being a gentleman while they are probably fuming and wishing I forgot what they did to me after having been loony with me.

I guess this is why being able to work disagreements out as a couple is so important. I have heard of some guys saying that the wife gets whatever she wants because he doesn't want to argue with her! I can see that he must be afraid of losing her or something of that fashion, but if it was me then I would be more interested in fulfilling her happiness from having committed myself to loving her. Basically, I would try not to argue or even ridicule a significant girl I'm interested in loving then. I have felt like I have been making fun of my mom so many times though, so I guess I'm fed up with my mom somewhere. With this girl I like, I don't really make fun of her. There is definitely a contrast of favoritism with some ladies I'm interested in and ladies who have poor attitudes directed at me. I have dealt with those ladies who express negativity and they don't even respond to me!

Letting Go Of Lazy Feelings

I'm able to see my own lazy feelings before coming back home to my parent's house after work. It's like having this strong feeling of wanting to relax and munch on snacks while watching entertaining T.V. shows. This all sounds normal right? I'm sure it is but it doesn't satisfy me. I believe that I'm capable of doing so much more. It's really interesting how I'm always around friends who say they want to accomplish something, but never get around to doing it so well. In a way, it irritates me to think about it, but I can't really hate myself at the same time for being that way too sometimes.

I guess I'm crazy then because I don't really want to be a normal and lazy human being right after coming back home from work. I want to work double time and get some big muscles with gorgeous abs and do some big-time things just like any boy with nice ambitions would. To put in the effort, it's quite hard and from being a person trying to do too much it's going to be overwhelming and make him want to give up. From giving up, it makes it harder to be a happy person but working harder sometimes might not be the solution when all it needs is a smarter approach.

This is where I believe the rule of smaller portions can apply. I had a dumb roommate in my first year of college living outside my parent's home. They insisted on paying for my living and to just focus on studying and don't worry about getting a job. I really didn't understand why they told me to do this because it made me very lazy in my thought process. My mom said to get a girlfriend, but I struggled from lack of self-confidence and didn't have a job. I didn't feel good about mentioning how I'm a poor student to people and it just didn't sit well with me. Anyhow, I think my parents didn't want me to have thoughts of ditching them right after college and making so much money if I became successful. This is probably why they helped me out with some selfish intentions. They probably also did this because they wanted to feel like they are great parents and to demonstrate no one else can support me so much. Yeah, they were a little worried about their future and maybe didn't want to be put in a retirement home and no one to really come visit them.

Back to the rule of smaller portions with a former dumb roommate. He believed in going all-out and making himself sore all over. It didn't last long and he stopped. I believe a person should start off with something smaller and gradually build it to have the endurance for doing so if he chooses. For example, a lady might be able to lift only about 10 pounds and hold it while walking around with it for long periods. If she decided to work out with 15 pounds, she will be able to lift it but not that much longer but on a good day, she will maybe lift 30 pounds only once. Eventually, with some dedication, she is able to reach 20 pounds and can move around 15 pounds all over the place if she desired. In this fashion, I believe a person should work out like this and gain some huge muscles. Imagine starting out with being a normal-sized guy who can comfortably lift and move around 50 pounds and then increase it to 150 pounds with the same ability while having some bulging biceps for people to admire! This is what I'm precisely going after.

I think I just want to feel so accomplished with my high standards so I can have the self-confidence and when it does happen someday, I will be able to relax and take on a beautiful marriage. It just might be so late for me though because I'm like 15 years behind schedule in my thought process. This is how things turned out for me and I just held myself back, so in that manner it will be sad for others to find out about this if I'm able to reach happiness in what I've wanted out of my myself. I probably could have married a bit sooner, if my parents were more open-minded and didn't influence me on who I should marry and also always acted more chill when money was a little tight. I'm one of those who just didn't and have always been a little skittish about winning in a popularity contest anyway. I think my parents are being incredibly selfish in that they want to feel proud for what they accomplished in raising me from all the hardships they faced.  

Crazy Resolutions

This is a random thought but I have been accused of being so sexy for a short guy by a taller and pretty smart Asian girl. She looks pretty good too I guess so maybe more along the lines of being average and pretty down-to-earth. She told me that in all honesty attraction deals with personal preference. It's always felt like in the past that I have way too big of an order to fill if I want to be regarded as the sexiest man alive! A guy told me that I was that man too so now I think it's pretty good laughs and sweet of him. I'm not gay either but I realize these girly emotions underneath me while being a guy with a lot of driven testosterone underneath. I have sort of learned to balance it all out these days from just being myself, coming to an acceptance of all of it with honesty, and coming to peaceful terms with it. It really helps a lot to get into studying the Bible and growing a relationship with God and being open to understand its actual content instead of relying so much on other's opinions. It's nice to get feedback from Bible teachers I trust though.

I'm still getting negative feelings but not visual images in my head anymore when I think about the old church that bugged me so much. I'm still swearing a little while thinking about them when I'm driving home by myself and would like to repent of this activity. I'm starting to make a lot of peace with it because I'm accepting that it wasn't really such a big deal after all and being so mad about it doesn't really matter.

In relation, I was recalling about this classic film I watched in middle school with Kirk Douglas playing a Viking leader. From reading the summary of the plot to recount what I remember seeing, it's not the impression I had in mind. What I felt as a kid in class was that Douglas played a ruthless Viking who hated a fellow comrade and didn't want to change his disposition. Right at the end of the film before he dies, he gets the revelation that he got the short end of the stick. He won the fight and just had to deliver the killing blow but hesitated because he noticed at that instance he was going to kill his brother and then from pausing too long while distracted he became stabbed and died!

It's a funny irony and I just wanted it to relate to my past arguments with people who had a disposition that they couldn't let go of and fought against me because of it. They lost from having gone too crazy! I'm not feeling so resentful about them anymore but it's a lost cause now because there's really no point to take it so serious anymore. I think I have the upper hand this time around and will continue to hone my conflict resolution skills to go along with my selfishness towards them.

In a nutshell to deal with stupid incidents with people who are just insane at that moment and acting like they are hallucinating about details that don't exist about you; and yes this has happened to me with people who have a history of being unstable- it's unfortunate that most of them are no longer an active part of my circle of friends. I have to go off topic for a minute here a little and ramble this - yeah, it's called skills baby to write a three to four line sentence consisting of at least 60 words! Now I can end my paragraph here if I want to. Okay, I'll finish this discussion. I believe the most important trick comes from being self-confident in yourself. You have to let the person confirm his findings and let him take it far as he can and tell him that he has no smoking gun right away and that he's being crazy and he won't be able to even though he's so convinced right now. Tell him that you are so confident that he won't be able to turn you in for doing nothing illegal and walk away and let him know you will follow up with him later. This is a crushing blow because the next day, he's going to hate feeling stupid while having to be around you. You have to give him a little space and then if you want to after, make peace with him and let him go with encouraging words or just ask to hang out or something. You are on a roll to be his friend even at that point!

The last paragraph is what I should have done with the people at that old church. They went insane with me and I'm ready to move on and do this same maneuver on them after giving them ammunition to go crazy with me again. It's pretty dumb anyway and they should learn to not be so crazy about it while feeling mad. Just remember, it's important to never lose your cool and remain self-confident in your own abilities. This will also keep you in pretty good standing with all the ladies you want to impress, too.  

Simple Strides

I ended up getting asked out to a movie last night by a girl and for her sister to join us. She's the friend who is like my annoying little sister I'm talking about. I was actually interested in seeing the movie after watching the trailer so I instantaneously texted her back a yes! However, she being like the little sister didn't take the initiative to pay me back for the movie tickets I bought her and reserved for us. On top of that, she ended up chastising her sister while we were driving to the theater for some incident she had trouble letting go of. I stepped in and said a few encouraging words and everything seemed back to normal and them being calm again. Boy, she is too much even though she's a pretty girl and top of the food chain student. I mean she's at one of the top medical schools right now to earn a chill M.D. position that pays a few six-figure salary and earned it while being a professional at her job and then laying back to be an annoying little sister to me in her personal life.

I guess it can't be all that bad because her sister isn't bad looking at all and struggles with self-confidence and loneliness issues and likes me quite a lot. While I was staring into my unofficial little sister's eyes, I was a little dazzled by her makeup and pretty face she put on for a public outing and then she stumbled upon her words a little. I broke eye contact with her from feeling bored and she resumed with normal speech again. Her sister was falling asleep and wanted to just be around us so I offered to put my arm around her shoulder to keep her warm and it looked like her heart sort of melted.

I don't really care so much about appearances anymore but the personality really does show up on both these girls' faces to me from getting to know them. They both are still young and occasionally impulsive on a whim of letting out selfish outbursts. I guess this is what some girls like to do when they feel comfortable around close friends. This was pretty much my movie date with two girls I'm close friends with. I then knocked out on a separate bed at their place because I just don't feel too comfortable about trying to hit at least a triple with either of them. They are really used to having guys over and spending the night with them and that's been mainly me!  I'm basically on first base with both of them still to this day!

Too Much Sleep

For my job, I have to wake up everyday early to leave for work by around 5:15 am. My shift starts at 6:00 am but the great thing about my work is that I'm done at 2:30 pm! On Sunday night, I ended up taking out a girl for some sushi and then went salsa and slow dancing at a night club around some other dirty dancers. I took her back around 11 pm because I had to wake up early for work the next day. It was a lot of fun and also pretty funny while some of the dance moves I tried with her felt sexy. It was also on a Friday night that I hung out with the same girl until like 4 am and then crashed in her living room from being too tired to drive another 30 minutes back home. 

Being out late last weekend, I ended up sleeping right after having an early dinner around 4:30 pm and watching a college football game at around 5:30 pm and then just kept on sleeping for almost 10 to 11 hours. I'm now back at work here, but I'm not really sleepy at all like I was yesterday morning. I guess my body really shutdown and needed to sleep a lot from being up so late last weekend. I'm going to have to be mindful of it because I was planning to do a lot yesterday evening and couldn't get around to doing so. 

I'm going to have to avoid watching TV on the weekdays and even reading up on random things that are fun for me and focus on taking care of my needs first. This means that I want to be really well-maintained with my own job and working on my trading business which I'm doing on the side and living a very healthy life while growing in my faith with Christ. I also have fantasy football that I'm aiming myself to be very good at which is fun for me and nothing I can do about if the selected players don't perform to my expectations. 

I'm looking to socialize with people now and open to trying new things or even hanging out with something fun to do. I was rejected by a few meetups but that's because those groups asked some really personal questions and I answered it all funny and not to their liking. Yeah, I'm not really worried about it so much because there's other groups to be a part of and I can always make some more good friends to go have fun with eventually. I'm just going to pick groups that I have a genuine interest of doing and go with the flow and not worry too much about not seeing a pretty girl there. Who knows, I could make a friend who could introduce me to his or her group of attractive female friends or relatives. I'm just going to be myself and go after doing something that interests me while being friendly with others. I think I'll hang out less though if I'm not meeting any girls in that group unless it's just really fun for me.   

Working Out Schedule

I'm basically planning to work out probably five to six days a week. It's definitely going to be a major emphasis of my life-style. My main style will be balancing workouts with cardio, weight training, and quite a bit of stretching. I would love to get to the point where I could just finish a full Ironman triathlon. My diet is most likely going to need a lot of healthy protein through lean meat, eggs, and some dairy products. I'm going to have to stock up on healthy vitamin supplements to overcome the lack of nutrition in today's markets so I can work out at such a high level. The food is farmed at a rapid rate to account for taste and profit, so nutritional value is so commonly compromised. It makes a lot of sense because great healthy food is expensive and food corporations want to keep expenses cheap so making junk food is like that and can bring them so much profit so why really change much for them?

Well, I do need about six hours of weight training a week so I can build some muscle and also lots of protein. I'm not really looking to kill myself either but to not put in too much more than a moderate level of effort. I'm really no aspiring professional athlete so I do not need to workout with that sort of intention and it's also about doing this for enjoyment and to have a beach body I could exploit to feel good about while being around others.

There's this issue of being a really scary person if I acted like someone with roid rage  later down the road. It concerns some people so they try to discourage me because they don't want to feel like their authority would be threatened based off of fear. I can be mad all I want yes, but from what experience has taught me is that I don't need to raise my voice while arguing with my reasons and burning up inside. I can just talk fully and openly without sounding like a jerk and get it away with it mostly because the situation isn't serious and they are acting so crazy and selfish about it. I realize a lot of this now and can speak my mind to give personal disapproval if I wish to, but it's also important to be able to sympathize sometimes so I guess it's going to depend if I'm just feeling very annoyed about it. There's really no right or wrong for me here.

Coping While Realizing Personal State Of Mind

One of the awesome things that I have put myself through is how I took everything so seriously and then to be so happy with realizing that the majority of them weren't while having learned so much about myself! I guess it's weird that I'm not married because I feel a little sad thinking about it when people bring it up often to me and just have to accept how things are. My mom is the worst at telling me to find someone to settle down with. It's pretty annoying and I'm just not ready because I don't want to rely on my parents for financial things or some early inheritance if I marry a person they want me to.

I'm just not having it because I now realize it's about making a connection with someone to form a love interest. I wouldn't want my kids to participate in same-sex marriage now or even jump the gun with pre-marital sex if they weren't! I believe the Bible really meant for sex to be in marriage with a man and woman. It's also really cute, if everything works out and the couple appears to be so happy about marrying each other.

This gets me to now realize that I want this deep connection with a special lady and to form a romantic relationship. This wonderful intimacy that comes from truly caring for each other's well-being is what I desire to develop someday. I'm not so worried about a woman's physical appearance anymore, but more about her personality and what she's made of. There's a girl who is too much for me because she may be outwardly beautiful and also successful from having worked so hard and continues to do so, but she is like a nagging little sister to me. I'm saying there are some gorgeous women out there who will not have the personality I'm desiring so I prefer to avoid them at all costs or just be friends, if I have to be entertained by their beautiful presence sometimes.

I'm trying to express that the physical attraction isn't really a big deal for me anymore because it's all temporary fun and can die down one day. Being with a lovely partner despite her being a little less pretty than others, I think I can achieve a lot of happiness and would like to test this. It also means that I'm no longer looking to be dependent on porn for my own occasional moments of fun because I'm longing for this intimate connection with someone wonderful! It's a missing element for me when it comes to thinking about pure physical sex so I'm going to have to put it under control for now and make peace with it.    

Realizing What I Want To Adjust

One thing I'm noticing about my time is that I'm not really managing it that well right now to my heart's content. I seriously would love to do this and it's just not going to happen from how I spent it today. I'm going to need to make some adjustments and let it be something productive for myself.

I guess with work being like grinding hours for me, it's cool that I enjoy it at least. During my off hours, I would love to utilize it very well and have lots of energy to spend time on doing productive things. I have not been able to come that close to my ideal tasks that I would love to take on. It's probably because I'm still worn down by the thought of doing so and taking my time to get there. I'm just going to have to push myself to get to it now.

Today, I ended up playing online poker for a few hours and I just kept on losing my small buy-ins. It's getting me to realize that it's just the nature of the game. Sometimes, you can't fully tell what the other opponent is holding despite you having a favorable hand and just end up losing because the coin toss still happens and ends up landing in their favor despite them being the underdog. It happens! The only problem with it though is that the amount of time I'm spending on there will be more unpredictable than I would like to earn a profit off of it.

I think to live a more balanced life, I'm going to need a more stable schedule during my personal time so I could do more things that fit my demands. Because I'm not really satisfied with working a typical full-time job at an office, along with the traffic, I would like to work on something else that will fit my personal preferences, while having a predictable amount of time to go with it so I can manage everything I'm doing.

Making Sense Out Of It

I think my cravings for wanting to have sex in marriage is pretty much at an all time high. It's probably because I have stayed a virgin all this time. It's hard and I mean stays hard for the most part!!! I think it's in the Bible's intention to get married and bust out with a good kid. It's too bad that people were doing their own thing and is even recorded in the Bible! God doesn't want a dude to have like a hundred wives and even women with a role of lesser than a wife and being used for sex. Yeah, it's all recorded in the pages of the Bible and it's so dirty!

The role of Adam and Eve was for one man and one woman to join together like one body. It just doesn't make sense for a Mormon guy to do the moronic thing and have more kids with different women and believe he's going to like take over a planet that his kids are going to be on after he dies. It's pretty weird with the belief and so senseless while being tasteless in some sense.

People and their funny beliefs with no such proof. God's ways are easier to acknowledge with the things that are unknown. It's because of one thing, God made Himself known in the Bible through what happened and He said this was going to happen with something that hasn't happened yet and so Christians believe that it will someday! It's more reasonable than that Mormon guy who wants to have several wives on this planet to pop up more kids to try to get them to worship him.

Looking at these situations, I believe it's really important to have a peaceful mindset! In addition to honesty and acceptance, there needs to be peace within oneself. I have preached so long about being blunt and just accepting like a man, but now it's important to be so peaceful about all of it.

Thinking Through Things

Well I find myself really enjoying with watching some sports games when I come home all tired after work. I would really like to get myself off the couch and work out and also do some cool things and plan to do some stuff with friends. There's just so many things I could do because I have enough friends now. On top of this, I guess with whichever group is open and doesn't hate me for any reason and I like what they are doing then I can go connect with those people too and have some social outing for whatever reason.

I'm finding that appearances don't really matter so much for me anymore. I'm really into a lady's personality and what she's made of in general! There are always concerns though for me in choosing the girl for me to date. It's much more complicated and I'm not so open-minded as I thought I would be when it comes to her life-style choices and yes, even her age. Well, that's why I hang out with her as just friends.

Maybe God has a purpose for me to reach out to these friends and love them for who they are while staying single for the rest of my life and to dwell on the mysteries of staying a virgin who wants to save it for marriage forever! It's pretty funny, but maybe God would be interested for me more than my parents to pop out babies who would want to lead a new generation to reconnect with God. It makes a lot of sense to me based on my belief system. It's cool to have all these crazy and complicated questions and to try to search for answers and to also be open to being challenged. Therefore, it's pretty annoying for me to be around friends who can't let go of some opinion and not very inviting to consider different angles and challenges to their topic. This is probably why they are not highly esteemed and don't even try to influence things for the better because they don't believe in themselves enough or fed up with being ignored while feeling they are so right about everything.

 

Finding True Love

Something I have found out about myself is that when I persist with something, I usually might find my way around to getting there anyway. Some people are less open about it for whatever reasons and that's cool to me. I don't really mind anymore.

I honestly think now that some people really do enjoy sex and just don't care enough about being looked down by others and like to get paid while doing the act on camera! Based on what I read about the female anatomy, I have found enough visual evidence to conclude that some female porn stars are really enjoying what they are feeling. This is all perverted material thoughtfully analyzed by yours truly!

There's just a fascination with sex throughout dealing with it. From just constantly thinking about something and trying to understand it, even trying to figure out sex gets boring. I have made my own biased conclusions based on my own preferences. I think sex should be based on a married couple who love each other very much and come to some very intimate agreement. I can't wait to get there!

Pretty Cool

I now have over 50,000 views with the bulk of it being mine. It's just that I can slack off a bit more because other people are coming on this blog to read some of my latest posts and my top two always seem to get the most views each month! It looks like I can't write a better post to get more views than those two. It's not really a curse because I probably deserve the attention for just those two and to be known for it. It's like my John 3:16 of the Bible, but the Bible sums it so nicely and perfectly compared to mine. I need two posts to compose my own John 3:16 (summary) of this blog. Whereas in the Bible, it's just one verse anybody has to know to be a true Christian.

The stronger the revelations become through familiarity for me, the better the outlook for any of my given situations. I was thinking that cops were trying to be onto me over some stupid incident, but it's not like they care because they have to drive on the block at that specific time. It's their job and they probably don't want to answer anybody's calls and to have to deal with something stupid like mine- it's going to give them some major anger issues! This is what happened to a dumb angry cop who answered the crazy girl's call about me. He's dumb because he tried to arrest me but nothing came out of it and also lost his temper. It's actually funny now, and I forgive him for it because nothing serious came out of it from my end.

Yeah, my problem was that I was too sensitive and shy with people, including all of those past jerks. I forgive them all now and don't need apologies from them. It's so sudden to write this phrase but I have been writing its content for people and they have been like "Sorry, but you are cool to me." It's really nice to come to terms with all of this; it's really brilliant actually and is part of the circle of life! We can all play a role in some way, including me with my unique set of skills which take time to fully implement. I'm always going for the hard and incomprehensible stuff to try to complement all the stressful thinking I do and occasional nose bleeds because I'm just thinking so hard and getting so mad from not knowing why people acted stupid at that moment back then sometimes!

For all of this to have come through for me, it's really refreshing! I'm now about working on getting out of my parent's luxurious home and making it on my own. My mom is like who is going to do your dirty laundry once she has passed away; at this point, it's going to be me! My mom is like get married so the wife will do it for you. I don't really want to care about what the wife will do especially in those small things. It's the big pleasurable things that I want and not very many women out there would probably keep up! This is why I'm still single with a big load underneath me to unload some day. I'm probably able to get to second base with two ladies now, so before heading over to third and trying to steal home, I prefer to make a pit stop which is getting to the honeymoon. I can probably hit for a single with another lady too, even though I'm already at first with another woman at the moment. I think flaunting a home run swing and making that happen is gross especially if it costs a couple paychecks.

Viewing Usage of Time

The way I'm seeing life more now is how with the things we choose to spend time on, it's pretty much a grind. Some of the grinding is much more fun than others and others can be more useful than others. For the most part, spending time in life is about the things we choose to grind in. For instance, are we going to spend time to raise our kids instead of watching our favorite T.V. shows or is it going to be vice versa while being a student who relies off of others to give us food and shelter and also company?

This gets me thinking now that watching T.V. is actually like grinding too in a way because time is being spent in doing something mindlessly. The reason why I call it grinding is because I feel stupid too often if I become a couch potato. It happens each time for me and I regret watching something I really enjoyed so much when I could have tried to do a million other better things. The thing is though I would have struggled to be good at them. With watching T.V. it's a grind from just feeling bored and the others are a hassle from not wanting to be stressed out.  

Getting caught up in watching porno or hot ladies letting themselves be admired for their beautiful bodies and in some cases too excessively while performing or simulating dirty adult acts on camera, it's just a waste of time because she's not going to be my lover any time soon so why should I really care? I should be feeling depressed about not having a hot wife to begin with and do something about it to get there, instead of trying to entertain myself with viewing the same old act of different variations which is pretty much the same thing! Porn is seriously a vice and the industry knows it and they are trying to capitalize on it while combatting poor guys who don't pay a single cent for it by watching free porn on the Internet. I'm not really that poor but I also don't pay a single cent for it!

We got to be smart here and avoid vices like murdering others and trying to always sleep with a hot lady who already has a great husband and isn't open to it!  It's better to move on from old news and hope for the best, like be put in a serious situation where you have to kill to survive and it's that person you hate but you are just saying you don't want to hate so you don't have to feel guilty! It's obviously better to not rely on those types of wishful thinking. 

There's no need to lose personal sense of security or worth like this annoying girl I know does every once in awhile when she's going through her monthly moment. It's better to stay calm and make the best decisions for yourself at all times and grind properly while understanding that you are sacrificing fun for something more useful sometimes and it's just the way things are! Accept it and go for obtaining personal success and understand yourself and work on it.  

  

Resolving Anger Issues

Based on my experiences now, I believe a person can deal successfully with anger issues by improving upon his or her own self-confidence. It's not a necessity to deal with anything while being a burning and raging person underneath. I think fear and anger go in hand together and it's incredibly paralyzing. A lesser effect of anger is having a constant feeling of being annoyed at something or someone.

In any cases of being mad from shock, annoyed, or just feel like being angry in general; it's important to accept all personal situations fully and bluntly. I have learned this the hard way and it was extremely selfish and cowardly of me to want to run away after causing a few stupid individuals to get mad at me several times! Well, it happens but it's even more important to be aware of it and to have learned from it and be a better person because of it.

A large part is to be gentle as possible with everyone at all circumstances and even with speech or action. A weird, annoying girl I know loves me like a big brother and yes she acts like a demanding little sister and almost gets on my nerves just like my mom does all the time. They act in a similar manner and this is what like family sometimes is, especially from ladies who don't show signs of being interested as lovers. I made the choice to love that annoying girl and my mom, and I have to make this choice on a daily basis! This is the main thing in dealing with anger issues and it's making the decision to love those foolish idiots.

There's no need to respond in anger even while feeling so annoyed all the time about something or whenever the feeling randomly occurs. It could be out of even feeling jealous about a lady you are interested in and she's talking to your buddy. I have just learned to smile in those instances and accept what could happen.    

Making Use Out of Time

I have not been enjoying a good run with playing poker so I'm going to tap out of it. The biggest reason is because of the drawdown and also how it hurts from spending a lot of valuable time on it. I prefer a set and go method where I can leave an investment for me running overnight. It's interesting that people can make some money by backing a poker player's tournament entry which is going to be obviously risky. I don't really believe in doing that either, so I have something going with trading.

I think my grinding sessions will pretty much come from working my traditional 8:00 am  to 4:30 pm job. I don't really risk anything for the work I put into it because I'm guaranteed some sort of pay. If I were to continue in making money with poker, which I'm sure I would, I will have to take on like another full-time job and that's not really the point of why I work. I don't want to work while enjoying retirement, so getting into the investment field is going to work out quite nicely for me.

With that being said, I might as well continue to improve upon my trading skills then and organize my life around to getting things done besides letting entertainment which is like sitting on the couch and not working out take over my life. With my off hours after grinding at my job, I can work on doing other cool things and this is what I really want to do in the end. I just want to make money by not really having to be present and the best way to make this happen is to invest.

Self-discipline

What I really need is to focus on completing my tasks and commit to them. I'm not really a task-oriented person but rather more of a fun-oriented wanna-be free spirit! In order for me to have the confidence to find a nice lady to settle down with and to go out have so much fun doing so many things, I'm going to need to have a lot of money and free time. If one person would look at me, then he or she might want to ask how am I going to go about this?

Because I don't have a lot of money and only just enough to do other things, I think going after a money-grabbing plan will just completely suck the joy out of me. I'm constantly finding myself reverting back to my habits when I tell myself that it might not be that great. I think what's happening is that I'm feeling the sensations from wanting to do it for whatever reason, even though I don't think it's going to well off for me. It's just being human!

Well from realizing this, I'm just going to have to commit to whatever I'm seeking myself out to do and groan about it occasionally from not liking it and make periodic adjustments to change around my life habits which is always so hard to do! This pretty much just means getting my mind off of porn and too much poker.

Fun Implicit Date

I asked a girl I happen to like to hang out at an amusement park and she said that it sounds fun. I guess I can offer to treat her out in the guise that it was her birthday. I'm not really stressing if she wants to pay for her own food. It's just a nice gesture I guess by trying to take the best step forward. I think best of all she's really cool and sweet while she's cute.

I think it's mainly just going to be fun to hang out and get to know her a little more. It's pretty much an informal date then because none of this stuff I'm thinking is being revealed to her out in the open. I do like her, so I'm not shy about admitting that. I also like my friends and someone's pet too! I like to do things a whole lot more which can keep my mind off of her.

I'm really drawn to her personality, and it looks like she enjoys dressing up with a sense of fashion while using only her limited budget. I guess it's cool so I'll let myself be open to a possible relationship. One of her few downsides already is how she has a mental disorder and keeps it under control with some medicine that's doing wonders for her and even maintaining a steady job. I guess her other issue hasn't really bothered me so much, so I will see what comes out of this. She's also at least five years younger than me too and not more than maybe seven. It's another thing too but she's so cute and sweet!  Overall, I think she has the making of being a friend who will enjoy hanging out with me. There is a considerable age gap of like five years and I'm worried how that could affect her situation if I became really old. However, I could always try to work on staying healthy and about living a long life. I don't see myself really daunted by her mental condition too much because she stays sweet for the most part. I have seen her mad before and she doesn't start cussing at people all of a sudden so I like that too!

It would be interesting to have a dating relationship with this type of girl and her physical ailments so I wonder what could possibly keep it from happening. I guess it's like something you just have to discuss about when it feels very comfortable.  

Planning Goals and Reaching Them

I honestly would love to marry a cute girl who is so sweet and loving and really wouldn't regret doing some fun partner-building activities for spending time with rest of our days. I have about six good female friends who aren't married and most of them are free-spirited. I haven't really tried pursuing after one of them yet because of how I'm still pre-occupied with working on myself. They aren't bad looking either and pretty normal but maybe I won't ever feel like I'm romantically bonding with one of them because of our differences.

I guess I'll see who I end up with and it's going to be pretty interesting the day I do find someone to settle down with. I have so many issues with myself and it's hard even with a few normal and beautiful ladies expressing interest in me and us going on a date. It's crazy I have had these chances but I guess it's supposed to be a normal thing even for someone like myself! Observing Facebook posts from connected people with their babies and forming a couple, it looks like a lot of the normal crowd really express interest in seeing their friends happy. I don't think they believe I'm really happy so I must be a bit more shunned. I'm sort of getting away with it by trying to enjoy my independence and make jokes about it. I think in that manner of being expressively different in not an entirely bad way and finding inward peace through admitting self-defeat and understanding my own humor along with the progress I've been making for myself- it's just nuts with how I'm trying to find balance with everything and obtain all of these personal goals while looking to make myself happy.

In a sociology class, I did a great job of presenting my final. It was crazy and stupid but it worked and was ingenious with the lack of preparation I had. I took charge with my lazy group and finished it in 5 minutes before class started and it worked. It was the hardest thing in the world but it worked and I received an A- with positive feedback. I don't know how I did it but it happened. It's like if I put my work into it and give myself all to it then there's really nothing stopping me, no matter how much time I spend on it. Well, some cases I lose and it sucks and I crash and burn, but in other cases, I've been extremely lucky. I think it's that I have been crashing and burning over stuff I want to be good at, so that's what I have been so preoccupied by and learning to be mature about it and working hard at it to finally reach success.        

Identifying Emptiness

It's really hot to watch physically attractive porn stars undress themselves and act like they are enjoying sex. I really cannot find any confirmation of them enjoying it with their on-camera partner based on the current knowledge out there of what women like. Everybody is different and it seems like TV shows or movies might try to simulate the real thing but there isn't any strong indication it was intentionally enjoyed by those performers. From not having a wife to enjoy some good recreational you-know with, I feel so empty with thinking about this stuff and even continuing any more.

It appears in the world of super modeling, it's well-accepted to pose nude for artistic photos. These ladies are hot and probably the well-known ones are already taken! It feels so empty to think about trying to imagine marrying a famous model when I haven't really done anything to try to get there. I'm not motivated enough and it just fills me up with guilt and like innocence is leaving my body. In general, it's beginning to become a bit excessive for my own heart and soul.

I'm going to go after spending my time more wisely and not regretting it by feeling empty. I have gained enough self-confidence to not worry about being unable to attain personal satisfaction. I know who I am, what I want in life, and how I am setting it out for myself.    

Making Money

I don't think playing poker is going to be my go to thing anymore. It's not really fun to go on a losing streak and that's my main reason. I prefer to do trading and my methodology of making of money is simple. I look for trades that have rewards of three times my risk. The significance of this is that my accuracy would only have to be 25% to break even. How difficult does one think it is to maintain accuracy above that percentage? It's up to the person to do the math and this is what I love about managing risk in the trading world and how it even fits my laid back personality.

Therefore, I only have two things going for me with earning a living. It's maintaining a professional level of programming which I really love and feel blessed to be a part of and trading. I think I will be doing a minimalistic approach with investing and this will be semi-retirement career. I might leave the programming world once I'm able to consistently make around a $100,000 a month and then build it up to $1,000,000 per month. I will be happy with those figures. I might be able to settle down with maybe $10,000 to $15,000 a month, but I think I'll just enjoy my single life with those numbers for a little bit and once I increase my earnings then it's time to focus on raising a family.

With poker now out of the way and only trading being my only side option, I still also have programming but I would rather work for someone in the world of programming and trading being my own self-employed thing. I guess with the free time I'll look to cook and do some photo or video editing and even look to hang out with different crowds I'm interested in. I get to still study the Bible and work out too.

Discussing Important Personal Area

There's an area I don't really want to talk about because I feel it's inappropriate. I think talking about my past mistakes in dealing with angry women might be also cutting it close to that area too, but overall; it's not nearly that bad because the outcome wasn't serious on my end. I'm basically overall a lucky guy who had enough self-control and continued to work on himself so it would actually be refreshing for me to talk about it and relish the details.

I still have some work to do on this area and it's finding sexual fulfillment. It's a funny thing to write about and such a hot topic! My biggest rule for me is that I'm not paying for a prostitute no matter how much the going gets tough for me or prideful I'm feeling about my personal abilities. I'm also saving it for marriage! This is such a hard challenge and stressful at times for me. It's interesting how having low self-esteem or sometimes too much can cause a person to act out with something very stupid and find justification for it. For example, if a person is having a really rough day then he might go to a bar to drink and try to pick up women and maybe risk getting unwanted pregnancy or even a venereal disease. The terrible consequences are real and can happen just like that to someone you know. The same could go for just wanting to have fun and from feeling like you could take on anything.

Maybe it's not really a bad thing to talk about and if parents find out about this site and they don't want their children reading what's on here then it's on them to take some action. What I have been doing which I don't feel proud of is trying to hold in my microscopic guys while edging to videos that focus on rough sex. I have done it for up to an hour and then I can't hold any longer! It's something I have been doing from being stupid and having no answer to not having a wife to enjoy some of that with. Focusing on pleasing the lady and working hard at it is what helps hold those microscopic guys in!  I'm just saying if some men can derive pleasure out of this. It's obviously wrong to fornicate in real life, so I do not advocate it. I guess people especially ladies might get the wrong idea that I'm trying to convey here. The truth is that sex in real life might not be that exciting as those videos so I might be shooting myself in the foot here for maintaining this practice.

I guess reading up on positions to please the lady because I want to be so good at this, and finally coming across some simple material with common sense; I won't be able to get there from just edging to heterosexual material. I really might have to accept some things here and find more happiness in other areas that can lead to sex! I think my cure to this is just willingly find the truth and then accept it while continuing to write about it on here.

Renewed Way Of Thinking

I'm realizing how I'm being really dumb by trying to fill up a void feeling with more things that leave me feeling empty. I think the best way to get through it will be pretty much to turn to Jesus in those situations and find things to do to keep me occupied and happy. For me to get to the state of finding a wonderful woman to marry, I believe I'm going to need to be first happy about the most important things with myself and enjoying my single life. By doing so, if it just happens that I fall in love with a woman then it was totally fate. More and more, I'm not really relying too much on appearances to be a deciding factor in a relationship.

There's probably one pet peeve of mine when it comes to finding a girlfriend. I don't really like her being mentally unstable occasionally and start cussing. Those girls are straight up supposed to be my friends even though I may still love them to death. I guess finding personal satisfaction through hard work even without getting any visible approval from the majority is something I have come to accept. It's because I'm a guy and quite a bit of people could be thinking I'm smart and lazy or something negative about me. Oh well, I'll still work on being nice because I try to be accommodating and peaceful with everyone including those idiots from my past.

Yeah, a lot of this starts out with honesty and acceptance and then moving towards consistency and self-improvement. The stressful emotions are like a negative discharge of energy which could be fueled by doubting personal happiness or just not having obtained a goal yet which puts pressure on you to turn lazy. What are your goals and what do you want to value in life?