To Kill My Credit Score Or Not To

I personally would like to be an accountable person- well, there pretty much goes my writing again to try to make myself look good. The end. Umm, I'm just kidding because I still have a lot more to write about to pretty much fuss about how I'm going to be just dangling a bunch of personal writing topics around for the sake of just putting something down on this blog. I'm so old for being a guy whose under 30 years old. I somehow need to get a job so I can afford some of those exercise classes and nutrients to make myself feel a lot younger for my current age. I do have a job right now, but it's only going to pay for the bare necessities and it will be like living paycheck after paycheck. Looks like I may have a common option that may never cross many people's minds- join the navy. Okay, I'm not going to go ship myself off sea and hope my duties in keeping a submarine missile from blowing up won't ever become a reality. If I do go, they should make me captain of the ship because I'll probably try to steer away from conflict to save everybody's hide and I'll order people to do stuff I never learned about on a ship. Like how do you fold an American flag on a ship and where's the lever to push down a plank for people to walk on before getting pushed overboard? Okay, I'm just using some portion of my limited imagination right now.

I'm a plain idiot in Spanish or just a pretty dumb person in some foreign language of the reader's choosing. Hmm, I guess I can talk about the benefits of being single especially so it might encourage older ladies to stay single and never marry. Okay, bad idea! No hate mails or hate speech at me please. But seriously, I hear it's possible for ladies to live longer if they stay single. Therefore, I will sign up for a how to age well class someday if nobody forces me to become a woman. My days of triumph in being a dude is slowly coming to an end because someday I'm going to have treat the wife as my boss, unfortunately haha. Man, I hope she's understanding if I can't handle running a nail saloon or some girly business with her. I can't even talk very squeaky all the time in that high pitched voice which sounds very caring- this seems pretty apparent with all women and maybe a few guys like this one guy I know. A female friend of mine said that those types of guys are really good looking and wishes they could have chose to have interest in women while growing up.

Okay, my dumb credit cards are useless to me right now. They just mock my personality by telling me that I'm dumb with managing my own money. They speak to me by singing a devilish song which just means that they're so evil haha. My credit cards lie around and just isn't the same as cashing in a paycheck. Okay, I need the money right now to have a more healthy mind and to pay some reliable people to remove my hexes. Just provide attention for people you are interested in and wish to respect and maybe, one out of 10 of those neat people will give you a proper response by giving a dollar maybe haha- no I'm kidding. I remember how I cheated this one guy who hated me out of some free meals for myself, and he complained to me about it each time but still dug deep into his pocket to give me some freebies. Man, I felt bad so I paid him something back in the end even though I know he still hated me. Overall, the odds of 10% of people probably being extra extra nice in this world are pretty good odds compared to how I'm not so shy anymore with people.   

Back From Vacationing

Oh boy, I spent all the money I earned for practically free! How did I earn money for free and why did I spend it all? It's because I never thought I would make that money, so I ended up using it for my vehicle fuel and buying some meals. I never knew that Burger King had its own bar in Las Vegas? What?!?! It doesn't even serve any beer, except overpriced guacamole sauce and bacon on a burger. Its pricing definitely beats the successful marketing of the Six Dollar Burger from Carl's Jr. which probably really isn't six dollars in Las Vegas anyway.

I ended up playing with some old geezers and well-adjusted, fine tuned older ladies at a table in Las Vegas. See the difference in how I'm treating people? No, I wasn't playing Bingo. I was playing something that's been spreading like a cancer around the world that even China decided to not ban it- I don't know why China has Blackjack in their Casinos especially with the card counters and wonder how they would deal with losing equity. No, I wasn't playing Blackjack either which is dominated by a younger generation instead of old geezers.

Actually, for some reason I ended up fine tuning a style because I sort of played until I felt like a robot with this game. Yeah, I only made $70 after a friend gave me $50 to waste on slot machines. No, I did not play slots either. I still have a remaining portion of the $50 because my friend didn't ask for it back from Las Vegas and therefore; my spending budget was only $120 at Las Vegas. Man, I was so cheap last weekend. I left Las Vegas technically a very literal winner that I'm sure if I keep repeating it, then they're not even going to call me up anytime soon to play at their casinos.

Power In Combining Speech and Action

I honestly would prefer sometimes people being quiet with me about any incident and not really jumping to conclusions that I'm doing something bad. I get really bothered by this and annoyed and wish they would stop doing it all together but I guess they don't really realize what I'm sensing underneath and just can't let go of what their mind is set on. I can't really do much for them because of this.

It's about taking baby steps for me. Okay, what are baby steps? I have absolutely no idea right now- maybe it deals with a baby taking small steps while learning to walk. In that fashion, I'm taking my time with putting my left and right foot forward. Man, it hurts when I fall down. It hurts so much that I can't really cry about it because the pain that runs through my spine just can't let me cry, and I have to be like moaning all the way like a silly ghost after getting back up. I think that's why people who overreact with me get scared of me moaning so silly because it's like they are pushing me down all the time, while I'm taking baby steps. I don't mean any harm at all; I'm just a harmless baby right now. I guess overreacting people are just so heartless and cruel with me and that they don't know how to realize what they're sensing. I'm starting to scream, "Relax!" with these people because they just repetitiously still overreact after I tell them they're bugging me.

I have funny stories to tell because what would traditionally damage a person's image is actually extraordinarily funny once I tell individual people about it. In a way, I'm still lucky and starting to see that it was pretty mean for some persons to do something like that with me. The crazy part is that I'm just so relaxed about identifying a person whose going to do something hazardous with me, predicting the bad person's behavior, making a decision with him or her,  and then just executing it now. Yeah, I'm just really straight forward- I wonder how it would be to be titled the king of bluntness one day. I think my style of writing dealing with bad people who just keep reading what I put like an addiction, is like they are riding a storm and feeling my momentum and that it's only going to get bigger like a rolling avalanche because I'm working hard other than just writing on this silly blog. I call my blog silly because I have something big that I'm working on, and it defines a part of my confident self.

Benefits of Writing

I guess life is sometimes what people decide to make of it and how it applies differently for everybody on a case by case basis. People who have overreacted with me in the past have been the most annoying types of people for me, and I remember not really saying much because I was not trying to let them get to me. I was really with this dilemma of worrying about so much about my image, and it just felt like my image was just continuously floundering against me because of them over exaggerating about some things with me which really became aggravating to the point that I wouldn't try to listen to them but I still did and just felt like they were going to be driving me crazy.

All of this stuff happened so internally for me that I really wouldn't have minded going to talk to a traditional psychologist about it while lying down on one of those sofa beds and just talking about what's going on through my head to help find some relief from everything happening. Unfortunately, I didn't have the time and money to do it so I had to look for an alternative form or else I would have continued to be a scared little pup underneath and avoid recognizing some good things about people and not really enjoying myself.

My form of personal therapeutic relief came from deciding to talk honestly about myself on this blog. Being honest on a blog is so very difficult because of the tendency of me wanting to write good stuff about myself and look good. I decided to let the fear take me and to manage it by writing about it truthfully and just plain blunt- for some reason, since I'm a guy, being straight-forward for me is not a very bad thing and I don't seem to detract people because of it; in fact, it's like mainly others might find it appreciable that I would be straight up even if what I'm saying really sucks for some people. Nowadays, I don't really attract too many negative comments against me from being honest; just that some people might feel like I'm being a downer from being straight-up with them and honest. I'm still going to not really tell white lies; however, I can sometimes sense a person might feel like committing suicide if anything bad is revealed about them like dealing with this old church I kept writing about. In this case, I'll intentionally be a little more nice about what I have to tell them and just take in their response as being positive especially if I'm dealing with some women in the picture!

Moral Considerations

Normally, I wouldn't skip ahead to do another post but looks like I'm going to breeze through another one because I just feel motivated to do so. I wonder if it's called O.C.D. with writing to just average one post a day on a blog. It might even feel that way for some people, who have a lot of time on their hands. Or maybe it's some made up psychological disorder that gets me to keep writing about anything and nothing at the same time- I don't know err, I want to say mania depression compulsive writing disorder. Basically, it's the state of just being naturally buzzed while typing on a keyboard and it doesn't matter whether it feels like life isn't going good or not.

What inspired me to write on here right now is the thought of letting curiosity turning me into a weasel that could upset others who feel some ties with me. If me becoming a weasel turns into an addiction, then I really need to get some hypnotic training I guess to convince my inner core to not become one. What if I was good all my life and then the most beautiful woman I decided to marry said that I wasn't for her and she ran into the arms of another pretty good guy haha, I don't know maybe I would pull and extract my chest hairs out of so much anguish. Here's something that I'm realizing, whether I've been good or not, it doesn't contribute to what I deserve from others. The reason I want to be a good person is because I like being that type of natural person and want to be at peace with others, while not really worrying about anything great not coming my way.

Here's the consideration that I have to make now, sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me and I can end up looking like a weasel to people who catch me engaged in it. That's why- I try to play spy very secretively and nobody would even know if I was stalking them because I would probably be away at least 100 yards anyway. I remember I was so shy once that I couldn't even knock on the door of somebody and I ended up hiding from other cars because I was so determined to ring the door bell and run away. I think I really have to think about stuff that would happen if I acted a certain way and think about how I could regret it in the future if my senses are telling me otherwise and then try to set aside the curiosity for another time as long as I can without turning into a weird person. Yeah, being morally considerate is tough sometimes especially when a lot of details are being paid attention for a slightly above average mind like mine. Basically, I'm just going to continue to improve myself and let myself not get so worked up if I end up getting disappointed by someone. It's going to be awhile, so taking up a profession with driving on the road for a year or two might be the way to get my mind settled in and away from doing some things that could be hurtful to some important people in my life.

Mind Can Be Simple But Powerful

Okay, this is a very funny title to me because I feel like I've gained back much of my natural swagger in dealing with weird people. Yet, I don't have any weird people to mention on this blog anymore because I wiped their slate clean now. I'm just going to leave those posts up because they can actually represent me, and I still get a kick out of looking at what I wrote once in awhile along with thinking how some people could actually be reading what I put. I finally understand this repetitious pattern of how some individuals react to certain behavior and speech; furthermore, I'm finally understanding my natural inclinations and quite relaxed about it now. Despite me feeling like I was going through some rough times, it was just an emotional time for me because I was still learning to adjust; however, I didn't really lose that much but only gained more hope in even something greater.

I just need to let go of a few preoccupations now and work hard at things I want to be successful at and then I'm set for life in the finances department. It can occur at a fairly above average pace for me because I've learned to pretty much pull the right strings dealing with some business I'm doing. The great part is that I may actually have fun in making a living out of something I want to happily be a part of and that being a contributor to something great would also entail some good for me too. It's been so long since I've graduated from college, and I'm seeing so many different colors and patterns in how I could be living my life along with a few others.

Along with my personal projected success, while I'm working on stuff, I really have things in the back of my mind with some stuff that I've always wanted to try. After putting the amount of work into something, I'm going to have time for some interests. I feel so old right now also with the thought in getting married even though I'm not thirty yet- there seems to be some older women out there who wouldn't mind settling down with the right man but I really don't want to try with them right now. It's pretty hard finding a willing person that fits my niche right now- if I can only find the right location then maybe, I'll be able to gain more confidence. It looks like I'm really on my way to building some more confidence, and the natural swagger I have really deals with just insignificant things like what I need to say when someone is yelling at me or angry at me; man, it feels like I could walk all over the angry person legitimately, as long as he's not a gang banger or a demanding woman haha. Maybe, I could just be a drill sergeant's worst nightmare and he would probably get me expelled from the military.

Best Part About Programming

Sometimes programming a computer to do a task can be very challenging and lots of work. The greatest part about it is how it feels really awesome when it finally does what you set it out to do, along with understanding everything that's happening with the program. It's really hard in the beginning to be super accurate for me in programming and may take me quite awhile to gain this really good habit that just acts really sharp and jumps onto debugging my programs really fast. I pretty much need to compile like thousands of times in the beginning with some large programs because I'm doing a lot of tests on it and trying to make it flawless. It gets really tedious at times, but feels very rewarding when I finally succeed at making it work. I think for that reason alone, no matter how hard life feels like it's getting, it feels good to be a programmer and the main reason why I want to create a living off of it now.

Submitting my resumes online with just a bachelor's degree and a 2.3 college GPA along with hardly any experience working for programming companies has been extremely difficult for me to get a break in programming. I've probably been called by only one recruiter to be a programmer after all these years but I never received any call back from her. I guess I'm losing my patience in getting a programming job with the couple hundred resumes I've sent over the past 5 years. I'm currently programming code right now to be long-term day trader and working with some group of friends in programming games, which is actually fun. I guess I'll keep submitting in resumes but if I don't get any calls, I'm going to try to set up my own company working as a game programmer in the process and develop a pretty good day trading mind with stocks in case I need some form of living while trying to pursue after this great goal to make a fun computer game to introduce to the world. I know that I also enjoy the idea of being a professional driver, too so I have another one that I could use to create a living off of. I have a pretty active level of interest dealing with medical science, too and would like to someday obtain a physician assistant's degree to just practice at a volunteer clinic a couple hours a day maybe because I prefer not being paid to try to help cure people's sicknesses right now.

Yes, Good Times Rolling!

I was getting drained out of all my money because I wasn't making enough to pay off my card debt so I ended up calling a debt counselor and managed to get my payments lowered significantly without still affecting my credit score. It's pretty awesome because I can have a more sense of relief with having a decent job and more free time without having to worry about getting my buttocks handed over to the system from failing to make proper payments! The only thing is that I can't use my credit cards anymore for any purchase, until my job covers for all those payments in the end which would take about at least a few months for me. I'm really happy that I'm still in business while facing some lowered payments on my unsecured loans.

Yeah, I have plenty of cash flow right now still and can be like running along for at least 6 months, so that's plenty of time for me to immediately work now and get to use my credit cards again but with even more money and a more wise brain on how to manage my finances!

Okay, I'm reading plenty of comments on tall women dating short men and marrying them; despite, some of them expressing discomfort of having to stand next to each other haha. It's definitely true love there, if they can get over the hurdle- I think it's pretty cute if they do and manage to settle into a lovely family. Just imagine all men dating 8 feet women haha and having to live with that fear in their lives, along with how those women expect to find a taller man. It just takes a little getting used to, and some people don't like to respect slight changes over little things but if the happiness is channeled most at their relationship then man, it's really cute!

Just in case someone feels they are too short, at my age of 26, I still grew about an inch and a half. People are probably like no way man; actually, I did from doing some yoga stretches to work on straightening out my spine and thickening some spinal fluid which really makes a person stand taller permanently! I know most people don't know this because it's not taught at schools or anything, but most definitely, people can still grow even past the expected age to stop growing. I know because I'm one of them who did; it just takes a little believing and trying and not feeling any disappointment if it doesn't go your way. A lot of my friends feel like they're at an okay level of height because maybe, they're already taller than me so they don't feel like really trying and I'm considerably seen as normal for my below average height, so psychologically it sort of works out both ways.

Looking At Things Rightfully

Yesterday was quite a day because I stayed up for 24 hours before feeling very inactive today and asleep for the most part of the day. I remember the oldest woman who was mentioned on Guinness Book of Records at one week used to stay up for about two days before sleeping for two days straight throughout the week. She seemed to have a child-like heart, so may God bless her soul if she is still alive today! The biggest thing I can remember yesterday is that the only significant thing I was doing was driving and going places for friends' graduations and parties and then driving through many cities back and forth. I sort of had this bad reputation of not being a careful driver and somehow, I did fine yesterday while transporting some sensitive and precious cargo for a few hours. Honestly, as pretty as these girls may have come from yesterday, from dressing like they were going on some dates- I still see them as friends and have become very comfortable with them. I was feeling unashamed of how I really enjoy driving and am about to earn a living off of it to pay off my student loans and credit card debt. Thanks for the best wishes of luck from some people.

These two are some amazing proverbs to me- "A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but discipline will drive it away." The second one says "Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty." The second one seems to allude to for some people being sucked into home business schemes that don't really work out- I guess it is potentially creating some economic flow with those multi-level market (MLM) schemes but they seem to market creating fast and easy money which could be misleading and for some people, it means becoming more in debt. Yes, I know the feeling all too well even though I'm good at giving up in the beginning and asking for my money back during their 60 day trial haha. For some of those scamming companies, it would mean this omen for them "Wealth created by lying is a vanishing mist and a deadly trap." I think some people are even too lazy to call for getting their money back and just get added on more implied charges they didn't pay attention too. It happens and possibly, at least 90% of entrepreneurs might feel like being lazy at their own work anyway.

Okay, I'm not saying the Hope of God Church Organization is a pretty weird group anymore. The Bible talks about how one, righteous person would have potentially been able to save the trouble of God creating ruins for a city. It's the story of Abraham conversing with God about "What if, there were these many righteous people?" So, I'm contending that the God of the Bible is not a merciless and blood-thirsty concept that's supposed to turn some rational people off. Over at the church, I met some great people even though they seemed few in numbers and to save them from receiving any potential bad rep from Lee or the pastor who had a hard time dealing with me haha, I'm not going to mention who they are.  Reason for bringing up Hope of God is because of the indoctrination that seemed to be in conflict with the Bible that I felt with the acting pastor, Chai at Los Angeles. Note, my upbringing of this incident is based on intellectual reasoning and is not designed to degrade anyone's character even though I've been a part of better teaching methodologies that are superior to Chai or Lee haha. For some time I remember at the church, Chai talked about in some of his messages about how being diligent in the Word will bring riches, which had this alluring coating of how it's referring to economic and materalistic wealth. Not clarifying what the Bible really mentions about this could have influenced some of Chai's attendees to be influenced by something called the prosperity doctrine, which is unfortunately incorrect with the ways of the Bible. Hopefully, this wonderful spirit of the Lord has politely cajoled the attendees to read and understand their Bibles! The truth is that God created both the rich and the poor (Proverbs 22:2). By being made rich or poor by the Lord, it's the person's identity and there is absolutely nothing wrong about it and that both can obtain happiness in their life. Being wealthy according to how God wants us to be is about having this amazing journey in life that is really influential, powerful, and developmental to our growth in becoming the Salt of the Earth (Matthew 5:13). In my opinion, Chai should be mentioning that not everyone will become rich because it's the truth whenever he mentions about becoming rich from giving money to his church haha or following in the methods that he is convicted about. I had to reveal this so that I can keep myself from feeling an overwhelming chip on my shoulder, and I'm sorry that I can't consider Chai and anyone underneath him to be my main leader that I grew up with. 

Steady as she goes there, Mate!

Fast links
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12 of the most beautiful lakes in the world- I feel like going fishing.
http://travel.yahoo.com/p-interests-40253002

U.S. Stock market has been dropping for 6 weeks straight. Alternative, reverse trading could have been very profitable.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/bs_nm/us_markets_stocks

Imagine me singing in this most annoying high-pitched voice, "You make me feel like a natural woman" to some guys haha. I can do that without any shame because I know I have this stability underneath me now. Call me insensitive or not, I think it's funny for a guy pretending to like other guys  and making all these pretend flirtatious jokes to some guys and make them feel so offended or grossed out. I don't know what it is about me, but I just can't look at a beautiful, available woman the same way as I would to a regular guy. I guess that's how it's going to be for any guy anyway. Well, I can't brag about how it's great being an average, girl-liking male because there are a lot of tough moments associated with it. Those tough times are periods where I get to rely on a holy source to try to grow up.  

Let's see, I'm at a point where I understand the type of woman I want to marry now. I met this one woman who I really liked but she was a little too old for me so I decided to see her as a big sister- she's now married but I wasn't invited to her wedding; oh well, I think it might be pretty respectful for females to leave out some guy friends at their wedding. Finding the right places to look at will be a great confidence builder for me that there is someone for me to be compatible with and to have this life-long participation. Regardless of how many reject me, I don't really see it as a disappointment for me now. It's pretty sad that the most rudest guys appear to be successful sometimes with some vulnerable women; the saying that nice guys finish last may be so, but the question is if they obtain the best woman for themselves. I just want to be natural about this stuff and understanding if something isn't going to go my way or I see it going that direction.

Overall, I feel that flirting around with the idea of chasing around some common Chinese women when they were once beautiful or single like Annie Tran and Betty Lam haha was a great warm-up run for me. I don't know what it is, but I sort of want to meet someone that resembles close to how I was brought up. The challenge is going to be finding a legitimate and comfortable source for me to explore if there is a great and compatible partner for me. I have some ideas like going to a city that is infested with just daughters who want to get married pretty badly and not really that many sons and taking a buddy with me to get some experience out of it.

Ultimate Job Security

Yesterday, I said I was going in for work early today. Practically, I'm working from home today because I have to nail a certified test with the government before going back in. I remember acing the exam a few years ago and letting it expire, so it shouldn't be too hard to review for me again and passing it again.

I can confidently state that I'm defining myself as someone who is going to have a very stable position and almost full-proof way of never going broke while living the desired life-style that I wish to pursue. Ummm, I'm not going to try to attract a decent lady because I just have the cash- I believe that's setting the relationship up for disaster even though I know some friends who'll always be stubborn about saying how it's about how much money you have in providing for family; just have to surprise them with something big to get them to let go of some ideas and be straight up with them haha. Having a stable job does contribute a lot to personal confidence for me and really gives me that feeling I could engage in a lot of fun stuff later while trying to contribute at least a little to good projects and common wealth of society.

No matter where a person starts or how many mistakes he or she made in life; for myself I believe that a true born-again Christian has one of the greatest chances to turn something around individually, no matter how much guilt or sorrow was dealt to anybody including self in the past. What I feel is that something that's been lost can be accounted for again later and that living in good faith and trust will seriously contribute to gaining something later. That's why, I believe the main core of the Bible is really powerful- it even inspired the development of the U.S. Constitution.

I seriously have a path now that's going to work for me, and there will always be a way for me to keep earning no matter what happens to me. I guess sometimes it takes being able to take some part of the day to really reflect on stuff, which is what I redundantly have been doing to get over some stuff that bothers me. I really recognized one of my old neighbors really had a hard time letting go of some pains with her life like dealing with a broken marriage and flamboyantly, rude ex-boyfriend haha along with her life savings going down the drain in the stock market- yeah, that's pretty tough to sweat out while being retired and still on your own. She's still pretty feisty and running along healthy- I guess it attributes to the saying that females live longer supposedly than guys. She allowed me to accompany her to some places like okay restaurants and shared with me some parts of her life story that she was comfortable with. Honestly, I can use the experience I had with her to be good to a licensed partner in marriage. I was basically listening the whole time to her, so I have some practice in how to do it without making her really angry. I'm joining the competition to outlive someone else too maybe.

If I obtained some chances at being offered something wonderful and just missed the feeling to take the offer, it doesn't mean to me that I won't be prepared for it the next time the chance arrives for me. I'm also about creating my own opportunities if nothing comes to me all of a sudden, which is what I sort of live for right now. 

Having A Kid's Dream

I'm going to share my pretty funny dream because I think it might pertain to some children and maybe, it will give them some hope to not give up on their dreams. I also hung out with an old friend and it was pretty cool catching up while grabbing a doughnut and some coffee in the morning yesterday, yeah, I'm currently on break with my job before I go back in tomorrow to conclude my job training. My friend also had a pretty neat dream too and I thought it was too good to pass up so I want to talk about his first. On a side note briefly, whenever I do some interesting research, watch some videos, or read articles that doesn't entail anything inappropriate and nasty for some people, I'm going to post it on this blog now before I type my main focus now- practically, I'll be posting some links and maybe write a sentence about what I read about. 

My buddy was seeking after something in his life so greatly for awhile. He's been married and was separated for awhile because possibly his wife was jealous about him getting a little too close with another woman; anyway, during this time he became very challenged and managed to step it up and patch his relationship with his wife and they now have two, beautiful baby daughters- the experience has been so much of a turn around for both of them that his wife is actually writing a book about how they met and managed to repair a relationship that almost went into the abyss. His dream goes like this- he had no recollection before dreaming this sequence whatsoever and there wasn't anything related to it to the day before. He met this pastor in his dream while a song was playing in the background, "I Still Believe." The pastor asked him what his name was and then he replied, Christopher. The pastor asked, "Is it Chris?" He said no, it's Christopher. After waking up, he went to check up on the famous pastor's message and surely enough, it was titled "I Still Believe" just like the song that played in his dream. The message was about the pastor's son, "Christopher" who passed away recently.

My friend was so psyched out and felt that a loving force was looking out for him and really cared for him. It was like a premonition that something out there spoke to him. The Bible says something like "Seek Him with all your heart, and the desires of your heart will be filled." The dream appears to have been a reward to encourage him to keep seeking the Holy One. My dream isn't so great like his.

I was basically on a baseball team playing at an intermediate level that also had some really old pros towards the end of their career on it. I was on the pitcher's mound and then threw a pitch. Yes, it was a strike! I threw another one. Strike two! These pitches were clocked at about 95 mph (it's my dream, so I got to juice it up.) We finished warming up, and I was ready to play so I asked the team leader if I could start the game to help the team win- he replied like this, "No, you're too short to play." I looked at myself, I was considerably a midget compared to everybody else on the field; it's related to being probably a fourth grader playing at a professional level. I then felt this force underneath me stating this guy was just a really ignorant fool and then I grabbed him with my weakest hand and lifted him up slowly and threw him over. It was continually like tossing and turning him over- it was really fun to do in my dream actually. I poked fun at him, like claiming he had really old and weak long legs that wouldn't allow him to stay in a crouching position and block low balls at the plate- I told him that I would have a better chance at doing it. I was so shocked he was taking into consideration the physical appearance when clearly I had the talent to play at that level. Before the dream ended, I took charge and entered into the playing field while being still a midget haha. I guess the lesson of this dream for me is that it's better to work hard for something and even if others don't notice this talent in you, you can still feel happy about accepting who you are and being able to coexist with others. I never thought being a clever midget or really short person who is just packed with so much talent could actually be fun- I'm sure he could get around with figuring out how to marry a really tall person if he falls in love with her haha.

Not Being So Shy Anymore

I don't know what part of my male self is making me feel that I'm not going to be hurt with everybody making me feel rejected now. I guess I'm not going to be like a little kid and start nagging on this blog which I'm really bad at writing in. I think not being shy doesn't necessarily mean more social aggressiveness- I remember meeting a lady whose really gung-ho about stuff and man, some girls really do feel sensitive with you. I guess I don't pay attention that much to sensitive guys because I just walk around and strut and then just sort of try to get them to laugh now if they feel angry about something with me. Yeah, they might feel a little out of touch with reality after trying to deal with me, but I guess that's life.

I'm really just not shy and so uptight about stuff as I used to be, so that makes me be more mobile at a social standpoint now. It also doesn't bug me to have extremely tall female friends now- I might just walk around with a frown on my face following them, but that's just about it. I think those emotions don't limit me from thinking clearly now because I've learned to accept it as a part of me. Sometimes, I get carried away with some what ifs scenarios in my head of like what it would be like if I was a giant compared to everybody else and just needed to touch someone at the tip of my finger to make a big guy feel I'm physically hurting him. Maybe I would be so excited with a friend and pound a table while laughing and then it would break.

I guess I want to keep this blog absolutely for general audiences now, so it's going to be very hard to write in a classical and proprietary manner without feeling like gagging sometimes underneath. This also means that I have to limit the inappropriate stuff I want to be honest about which would literally gross some people out. I used to be like take no prisoners and going all out in blunt details. I guess it's a good thing to face everything good and bad in truth when you're going through a hard time and then doing it for awhile to help find some clarity. It's really helped, even though I occasionally still get this painful eye strain from feeling bothered by someone deleting me from his or her Facebook profile- it's really becoming not that serious to me now. In the process, I'm really gaining a sky high perspective and learning to enjoy myself wherever I'm at even if I'm not really participating over something fun with some people. I just don't feel left out anymore and literally I don't feel any pressure upon myself to behave a certain way. It really looks like my energy is leading me to search for a partner to possibly start a family with now. I think it all comes in time and learning to accept dealing with some insecurities the right way and having this sense of bonding securely.

Being Creative

Okay, for being a guy who can be very imaginative and totally stressed out if someone does something to try to limit this creative freedom of expression, I guess it's okay to deal with it. I'm not the only person who hasn't been around to see some very troubling and dirty creativity that come out of some artists' brains. Maybe, some of them just lack some inspiration and want to get some soulless people to bust out their wallets by feeding them some controversy. Now that I have total mastery over something useless, I might as well develop into a useful guy for once and seriously try to let this God I've been hearing up enter my life and provide me with some useful instructions and wisdom on how to be a happy and humble servant. No, I'm not going to be a nanny and create havoc for children by yelling at them everyday for just being playful and so jealous of their youth and worry-free life. Pair me up with some spoiled kids and then I don't know what the combination will turn out to, by putting creative minds on opposite sides of spectrum.

Okay, my topic is about creativity so I took a loose topic I was writing about and made it relate to creativity. There is freedom just like William Wallace of the movie Braveheart  shouted at the tyrannical ruler and encouraged his soldiers to uplift their Scottish kilts to anger the king's men and start battle. In my opinion, I believe that is a very creative way to start a battle scene of a movie. I think an enemy arrow landed on a guy's naked butt- I don't remember the footage exactly; okay, he'll probably live to see another day in the movie. Alright then, I guess I really suck at writing on this blog. I don't know how I'm managing to keep doing this. It's like I have to do this everyday for the rest of my life, except when I become so old or blind then maybe I'll be typing gibberish by then with a Braille keyboard so might as well try to make it comfortable as best as I can and challenging somewhat to exercise some readers' heads.

I think creative direction is a cause of concern for some parents with their kids because when I was a kid, I felt like the public school teacher was just yelling at kids most of the time for not focusing on a subject haha. I remember teachers yelling were the biggest thing that I was associated with while going to school- it happened all the up to my senior year in high school haha. I even recall a whole class getting detention on occasion maybe once a school year haha. I don't know what it was, but being held for an hour in an air-conditioned room wasn't that bad during a hot school day. I was crying as a little boy because I felt guilty for putting myself in trouble. People are like holding up their fingers to do that oh no, look at what you did thing haha. I just didn't do my homework one time because I forgot literally from playing video games and watching cartoons from the good old days. The old school people say that cartoons aren't good as it used to be, and I have to agree there. Man, some of those Disney cartoons were so funny back then but now, man I can't stand them being redrawn by computers and stuff. It's sort of like a reshuffle and reload kind of thing with writers, I guess. The Simpsons still manage to be creative after 22 seasons, which is amazing. Did you know that Britain's Dr. Who  is the longest running TV show in the world and that Gunsmoke is America's longest drama? The Simpsons is the longest running T.V. show in America- their show ranking is like number 30 on average, but the T.V. show is heavily invested even to this day, so maybe the T.V. executives are just really fond of this show.  There's a slang adopted by some Brits because of the show Dr. Who- the word tardis. When we walk around in this world, we sometimes don't realize we're a part of tardis haha.

Developing Long Lasting Habts

I think habits sometimes take a long time to form, and there are moments where things might go somewhere that just doesn't feel right. I think the best thing to do about it is to just try your very best no matter what the situation is and try not to keep out of focus. I think I've been around some people who feel like they're very bad influences to me and won't really contribute that much, and it's hard not feeling bothered by them from time to time. There's this one guy who sort of annoys me whenever he laughs about something that doesn't make any sense, and it's just really hard not to feel any anger or resentment at him; furthermore, he just goes all out in this really rude manner which I really oppose any human should be doing. I guess when I think of it- we might be on an opposite spectrum, and he still wants me to take him places because he doesn't know how to get to some places; I think he would rather bother me to take out any of his frustrations because of a situation than anybody else right now. I guess I have somebody who doesn't mind trying to bug the heck out of me because he thinks it's fun and also wanting to hang out with me haha. I even bother him too from time to time and man, he gets really annoyed and won't stop talking no matter what you tell him sometimes.

Eh, I just get to save my energy and work hard at what I want to do with my life and be reasonably peaceful with others. I'm realizing that whatever trouble I was causing for others is really insignificant and whatever results come out of it, it isn't really going to dramatically alter my life anyway. Along with having grown enough moral foundations and ethics throughout the years of how to be a normal, socially acceptable person, I just might be able to do whatever I want to desirably with them because maybe, I just have a talent to be able to control little issues like this with people. A lot of it comes from just relaxing enough and thinking really big and just being brave enough to take it all the way; no matter what the mistake was, just don't go breaking property and seriously injuring anybody physically- that's the way I look at it. Be annoying as the devil for all I care or limit somebody's freedom in talking with others, it's being human to adapt to these circumstances. The real deal needs to be about if the person is reaching that haven where he or she is truly successful at something and feels very content about it. It even doesn't matter if some people want to shun the person. This is where unfairness gets to originate for everyone to see when the annoying person or group wants to resort to very bad tactics.

In my dictionary, someone who can handle unfairness very well and still manage to come out to be a happy superstar in the end is a superman or wonder woman. The first step is that I did experience unfairness at a level of socializing that affected others in a way to contribute to their serious decision; however, I don't feel that I've been personally rocked by the evil doers or anything- furthermore, if I can be an entirely, rich human being in all aspects of my life including great friends, loving family, and mastering the greatest job in the world then it won't matter if these insignificant people (some former leaders like Jarred, Chris, and Lee at Hope of God Church, L.A. and Washington Chun ha ha ha - sorry for the extreme bias) tries to put another dictatorship on my life and put me in jail for not following their compendium on how to live my life because they're so convinced or stubborn that they can still help me and make an excuse that I was bothering others about it when the people they brought over were there stating that they weren't really bothered by me.

Actually, Annie Tran just stated that I asked her about why she blocked me on Facebook and that's it- she was just going along with the flow of church to try to be a good church member- not because she was actually bothered by me. I think I know the real reason why she remembered the amount of times I asked her- haha- okay, I'm sort of glad we didn't get to commit with each other- sorry, I don't think we're supposed to be at a great level of spousal-ship or something like that. Betty was literally upset because she didn't understand me, not because I was being a bad person. Gee, it seems like putting trust in their leadership would be the worst possible action to do from here on out now. Go figure, Annie and Betty left the church. I'm going to wing it now and don't mind if they call the whole army to try to bring me out of that church now- I just want to see their facial expressions now and laugh at them if they do drag me out or throw me out of the gate at their church. Yeah, they get to be the center of all my jokes for once now. Note, the people I just mentioned are no longer on my weird list or anything- they're just a bunch of whatever people to me now and quite insignificant to me- not trying to hurt their feelings at all because they're involvement isn't that much with me anymore and not really contributing to how I'm making my choices of living. Like, I could literally joke around by asking them for help now and mocking them if they get mad at me and set up another meeting to try to tell me how I should behave to please them. I'll be good to everybody else, and only make fun of them in person so they get to hear the ugly news I have to tell them- I guess that works out well in the end for me and not them, so my real question is if they can learn to let go of this stuff. It may look like I'm planning to be there, but the real thing is that I'm not there at all so that means I don't really have to listen to some comments of how I shouldn't be going back there. Okay, I think I don't have to be bothered about anything in general now.

Being At Driver's Seat

Sometimes at any time, I get this ambivalent sensation where I could feel some worries or just have a common experience locked in my head for awhile. The reason I'm writing about it is because that's what I was feeling while I was lying down to sleep. I'm actually enjoying the buzz that comes from it because it feels like I'm really relaxing a lot easier because of it and noticing that something is actually satisfying me. Maybe, it's really a part of my calling to be the one calling the shots and having great responsibility with doing something or being the guy on the driver's seat. I'm no longer in the mood for chickening out over something that seems to be fitting for me- what I mean is that when these butterflies in my stomach form, it's actually helping me naturally to cope with any situation I get myself into. I'm pretty glad that I can write about how it's getting so much easier for me to literally relax now.

I guess dealing with how I'm a short man has been quite a rough ride- now I'm becoming bald too because of my ultra thinning hair so I pretty much gave myself a buzz cut and my family and friends seemed to not mind the extra short hair I've been walking around with. I think my head shape pretty much seems to accommodate a shaved head better than long hair. Okay, maybe if I turn bald and then shave my head, I'll look okay just that I need to avoid the sun by wearing a cap from time to time. I guess from growing up the depressing feelings of being short is not really bugging me anymore, and I'm still living out my capable life confidently. I'm only about 170 pounds right now for my diminutive height and friends don't seem to call me very overweight or anything- I think my broad torso sort of blocks out my creeping weight a little; I even try to tuck in my stomach to cover my belly from sticking out. I only have to lose 10 more pounds to look at my ideal weight and height, so I guess it's not that bad where I'm at- being a little on the heavy end for my size has been helpful in not getting so depressed. Honestly, I didn't know this but there are some pretty attractive women for being around 110 pounds and being shorter than me, and the times I've been around some of those cute ones, I wasn't really snubbed so maybe it might be okay to settle down with one of them or someone whose a little taller.

Planning Right Course of Action

I believe that taking things slowly and avoiding too many distractions can actually be a great way to approaching a goal or resolution to a conflict. I guess sometimes we don't really realize this but our emotions can actually play a role in exacerbating a situation on the spot when it comes to dealing with personal matters. Life isn't always fair play in general because it's always going to seem like something is missing to us- whether it be brain power or looks or fame and fortune; there will always be something that lingers in us which will cause us to have limited success in certain areas. Everybody is just wired plain differently, and there just can't be always be a one stop center to finding every solution to all  life's problems- it just wasn't naturally gifted to us for probably a supernatural reason. It seems really logical and natural for civilizations to have certain limitations and struggles because without those conflicts, it wouldn't allow room for people to mature or learn how to get along with each other. I think there's really a purpose to how everything exists in this world, and how making some personal sacrifices no matter what a person believes could really benefit a whole nation.

So what have I been smoking? Not much lately haha. I'm trying to deal with living the single life in celibacy, which means not promoting my baby making skills outside of marriage haha. I guess even youngsters can laugh at what I mean even though some may feel grossed out a little. As a kid in elementary, I asked my mom about what a period is and where my little sister came from. My mom told me that when a young girl matures, she forms a small baby house and that when she becomes married happily, it can lead to forming a live baby in the mother's baby house. I only needed to ask a few times more and then I felt satisfied with my mom's answer, so I never asked again ever after. Being celibate as a man of age who might be finding a good future mother to enjoy being a dad with sooner or later, it's leading me to concentrate a lot better and making sharper decisions. It's so important to not get that distracted about it and to try to naturally flow instead of pressuring other ladies to try to make the suffering guy happy haha. In all good time, if the original intention dealing with anything wasn't about committing a sin then I think experience can be gained out of it no matter how rough the tides turn. It's like holding a full house and dominating another person whose all in with a poker tournament and expecting to win the whole thing but then the last card drawn makes a four-of-a-kind for the underdog. These types of twists and turns happen all the time in life and just being able to embrace it or cope with it to the point where a person can still manage to become a superstar is such an incredible accomplishment.

Happy Birthday To Me

Happy Birthday to Me? Happy Birthday to Meeeee. Happy Birthday, dear Meeeeeeee. Happy Birthday to Meeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm feeling old man. I know some people older than me are going to be like, you're telling me. Man, I'm feeling those years catch up and how I can't waste a single drop of ounce to doing something stupid. I guess I have to pretty much go all in now with forming a good partnership with a lovely, female personality.

I understand now what it means for any female to block me on their MySpace or Facebook page now. After confidently ruling out how I wasn't intentionally trying to bother them or doing anything criminal-like to make them victims of some sort, it's because they're feeling so much passion with me that they can't be my friend haha. This one guy told me that Annie Tran (the former weird girl on my site) wanted to go on a date with me but didn't want to include him in the date- these are exact words coming out of a slightly dim-witted guy. Well, Annie blocked me on Facebook so see what I mean? I guess another good-looking girl who blocked me on Facebook ended up also hugging me and asking me to exchange phone numbers after some time passed with not seeing each other. Okay, something is also up with Betty too now because after slightly yelling and screaming at me on the phone- she seemed to all of a sudden have a change of heart with me after blocking me on Facebook. Here's the ultimate weird thing, my little sister blocked me on Facebook too and she's really nice with me right now. My conclusion is that it has to be a good thing in getting a good-looking girl to block you on a social network site for other reasons, except for trying to deliberately annoy her or do criminal like activities which may involve stalking.

All of this has been done with me to make me feel lucky and I am a pretty short man. I don't know what it is but it definitely isn't about how high a man stands all the time to attracting a good woman. I also realize that my nervous energy isn't really about me getting anxious; it's been really about me getting so psyched up about doing something that I feel guilty about being that invested with something. I now understand that it's because I'm getting a natural buzz when I do some things and that it's not because I'm nervous but because I'm supposed to enjoy it. I think I might be able to come away and go farther now and to focus a lot better with these natural buzzes that occur for me.

Time To Bring It

Let's see, I'm just basically writing away and maybe one of these days, the writing will just do pretty good wonders with a pretty average person. I think the other times I do write, I could probably make it so that if I do screw up somewhere, at least I'm telling some very cheesy and dumb jokes that get no laughs. So yeah, if I write something on making it for others to laugh then I get met with this huge online silence. I guess that will be my way of avoiding too much trouble and also being honest. I guess just by trying multiple times, it eventually hits anyway so there's no need for me to worry so much. I just have to form lots of second chance opportunities and I guess it happens by putting some genuine effort into it.

I think me writing about how depressed I am or how much of an introvert or pretty quasi-twisted perverted bi-polar maniac I am might not sit very well for some readers. Yeah, since I'm being sensitive about others having something of that sort of nature, I'm trying to write serious and all depressing so that I get to look bad understanding what my own personal situation is. It's just messing around a little practically, so yeah, it becomes a form of being able to express myself without attracting too much anger towards my direction. Sweet, by writing these kind of stuff, I could really pinpoint the people who overreact in general and they won't overreact with me that much now. Okay, dealing with annoying people has gotten a lot easier for me now. Basically, I'm just not really that vulnerable anymore which probably doesn't open doors for some people who like to mind everybody's business.

I get to focus a lot better making jokes about myself that people take so seriously and try to criticize me with. I think that's why they might feel like they're not in the mood for really arguing about little stuff anymore. This whole being creative is sort of working out for me in a way. Messing with people's feelings with writing is something I never really intended in the first place, but I guess it got to that point because I was totally not buying something and the feeling was just too overwhelming for me to ignore at the time. I understand things a little better now, and what direction and stability I want to take things in. It feels so good to have a purpose doing something after all and then to get to relax with others who are close.

What's Gone Is Lost

I remember how I used to feel when I got so carried away with playing video games which happened like practically everyday. I needed to play my video games because it was like my life and soul going into all those addicting games, which eventually turned boring. I think with being bombarded with homework and feelings of having to work to earn a living; man, I felt like doing a lot of crying after playing video games for a long time. I never really heard about this mental condition of playing too many video games- maybe, there's something called attention deficit disorder towards everything else except playing games, along with this crazy obsessive compulsive disorder with just video games and nothing else.

Well, there you have it- I'm now a game programmer so go figure. I'm going to earn a trillion dollars in a billion dollar video gaming industry someday- well, the ambition is a little too high for me so let's go for earning a gazillion dollars and be the first of its kind by specializing in something called doing everything. Okay, I'm just going to be a school bus driver and have the kids become brain-washed into worshiping me with the song Hail to the Bus Driver. No I'm kidding, so I don't want any angry parents suing me for it.

I guess it's just life to get the middle finger from someone every once in awhile. I confess this, when I was out of school as a child, and on a camping trip with some other church kids on an evil school bus, I ended up sticking out my middle finger to an idiot who stuck his head out of a car on a freeway and threw something at us and possibly made some racist comments. He just nodded at me, so I feel a little bad about having done it. I guess when I feel bad about stuff like that, I try to be good. One time, I took a library book as a kid and this girl I knew really well wanted the book, and I totally ignored her. I feel bad about that too, because maybe she turned out to be quite pretty.