Have Some Ground To Pick Up

I think this is something that I'm really dedicated to doing for fun while is just writing whatever is in my head. I guess I could come across as an evil person with a secret agenda if I wanted to now that I've been practicing on here. Yet, I don't really have that much of an audience on here and I don't really feel special. I think when I do receive the adoration from some crowd, I end up feeling a little nervous. I don't really like being in the spotlight so that's probably one of the reasons I didn't let my natural brains and talents develop the way I regret not doing now.

I had a lot of emotional issues that were never resolved, and now I see that in me so that's probably what people didn't catch but I don't really need to get any help for those personal issues now because it's something I deal within my own self on a daily basis now.

Feeling Sheepish

One girl I hung out with or dated at Disneyland, whichever, told me that she doesn't like guys who are very sheepish. Okay, so I'm not trying to be really sheepish at heart these days because I'm pretty interested in her. I think I need to be more comfortable within myself and be able to resolve these personal issues that I have been more drawn to. I think I have been really drawn to most of my life in keeping to myself. 

Who knows, maybe this blog has a slight affect in weeding out potential friends I could have had. Maybe I come across as too much to be considered a good friend or maybe they just want to be real with me and just remove as a friend even though they kept me on there and then later feel like, they have something to pick themselves up later. 

Maybe from people having a fit with me, they use it in a way as a training wheel to be good to other people. The way I see it is that there are consequences, and there will be things in life one can be ignorant about to make themselves happy. Basically, this one dumb pastor from long ago gave a sermon on how to be happy, and I think his main point that he was beating the bush around while trying to use Bible verses was to say that ignorance is bliss! Without understanding and being able to deal with the pains and anger in life, there can't be understanding in how to live a full and meaningful life while appreciating the people around us God has allowed for us to share resources and to bond with. 

Need To Shower

What I was doing today in the morning was working out really hard and then sweating so much, my sweat is like buried under my skin right now or just evaporated. Actually, all I really did was just run about 2.5 miles and it really felt like a short time passed by. I'm starting to not really tire so much from running a pretty vigorous pace as I used to in the beginning. I've been looking to run at a pretty constant pace.

It seems like I'm not creating a spark in anybody really, but I do have some good friends interested in doing some stuff with me every once in awhile. I guess that's a good thing about me in that I'm not fully alone. I'm just an ordinary short guy whose trying to outsmart the odds as usual and bust some brain caps open while aggravating some people who are not that very bright and seem to be doing better than I am. I'm chasing after something more meaningful than them and it really starts from the self.

Funny Observation

I don't know if I really want to be jealous or anything but some comments that some people put down don't even appeal to me and it seems like they attract a lot of people into their lives. Like on Facebook when I write something that I think is really funny, I don't get any likes sometimes. Whereas if someone puts their's down, I'll hit the like button if I think it's funny. Maybe I come across as trying too hard or something.

Anyhow I'm not really trying anymore and as a result I've been losing more Facebook friends at a really slow rate but I notice that it hasn't dwindled down by much and I also know more people who might accept me as a friend and to increase my count, but I'm not really in the mood for that right now.

Starting To Challenge Obnoxious Behavior

I'm starting to pretty much adopt the habit of telling people who have gone rogue for a little while and telling me that I need to get help to feel free in calling the mental hospital for me and letting the professionals take me in if I need to and that I am constantly working at being stable and know the boundaries of what would put me in a mental hospital and that's not what I really do. Next step is to pretty much tell them, where are the professionals and then to also ask them why don't they always act crazy when I do other stuff that I know would bug them but in this case it does. It then comes down to say that it's because we are compatible to be around each other. After all, they are just wasting their whole time being obnoxious with me.

The best way to get everything I described above out of the way and into a decent relationship with this person who also seems to be well with others and being successful in living his or her life is to just treat them like you are going to ask them just to hang out with them and then bring up your issues on the person. What I have as a secret weapon is my personal anger for hating unfair actions that some people do and for being able to use that fire to my advantage. I'm going to start busting it out now because I'm really confident with the person I really am and with everything I have done.

Ignoring Halloween

For some reason, Halloween is not really my time to be happy because it's still a work day. It's interesting how evil holidays like Halloween is sort of overlooked by the United States. The kids don't stay home and people still go to work. All they do is just dress up in costume and try to scare everybody silly. It's starting to become a really boring holiday from being desensitized. I guess that's how some things are- you are just in the moment then after engaging in an act, you become even more desensitized and then start feeling bad about it.

Honestly, I think that the best way to deal with someone misbehaving with you in your personal standard is to pretty much just hang out with him or her and then start bringing up issues and playing some tricks to outplay their conscience. It's like when everything is going according to plan, whatever the person says to you just didn't matter and is like a small speck of pain in the neck to you.

I don't know what happened but I guess I'm comfortable to be pretty open about myself so might as well just let it out. It seems like I'm a really funny person and don't seem to be much of anybody and from that some people just get bothered by it for whatever reason they want to hold on to.

Putting Something Down

I think I am going to be sacrificing a little bit quality in my writing here for a little bit. Besides, I'm honored that I'm getting some hits from anonymous surfers. I think from the controversy which is mainly people having been obnoxious with me, I'm getting some hits on here. They were obnoxious with me because I didn't care to listen to their advice, and I guess it's human nature to turn weird after disregarding someone's intention of trying to help you.

I'm starting to think now that the best way to make something happen is to sort of conceal it from the crowd and be a little elusive about it. It's just my old self feeling his way around again. It's just that I'm more comfortable than ever with who I really am now and can be confident in what I am about.

The thing is though the way I acted in the past to get what I wanted was really selfish and ignorant. Truly, I am still considered a great overall when everything is over but now from having truly gained what I needed, I think I'm ready to do the micro-managing work required in order to succeed at what I have to do.

Hard To Put In The Effort

I am starting to see how bad I am at carrying out a task. I think I'm just not motivated enough and feel like being lazy and just crashing on the couch while watching T.V. and then letting that put me to sleep. It's so weird because one time I had a roommate who did the same thing and became annoying because he was a little hard of hearing and would put the T.V. on so loud and then start snoring while falling asleep.

I was in the room next door and couldn't stand it! Maybe, I should have invested in some noise canceling headphones and got used to sleeping with it on then I wouldn't worry so much. I guess sometimes we need to brainstorm and improvise with the situations we are in and do the best way we can for our personal welfare sometimes.

Valuable Thoughts

I need to start shaping up and stop being an idiot. Looks like my feelings play a role where I want to find this physical pleasure, and I am like so dependent on it. In the jungle that's out there, it could get you in a lot of trouble. I really need to think with my brain first now before doing something like that. I'm going to try to teach myself how to survive while being deprived of basic pleasures and to figure out who to stay a human in all of its ways that man can portray himself.

I'm pretty much so stupid for all the things I've done. Because I'm a guy and with the way I am, I guess that qualifies me as a pretty scary person to look out for in the future. It's like I'm going to be like the person others think like "What hit me all of a sudden?" A song from Jimmy Eats World pretty much says just do your best and everything will be well. I think it just means to think positive all the time, no matter how others portray you and from what you've done or said, even if it kills you from others seeing it all wrong.

Whoa

I might actually be a lot better at being the decision maker in a team. Pretty much, I like listening to many different suggestions and then calling the shots. I seem to be pretty prolific at that for some reason. Now the hard part is going to be finding out how I'm going to be doing my thing.

I'm totally realizing now thanks to my buddy showing me some YouTube videos on dating that it might actually be sort of a number's game and taking rejection might really be part of going on the journey to finding the right person. It just doesn't feel good, or maybe it's something that can't fit and looks like a waste of time to even try to tap. I'm not really worried about rejection anymore, neither am I down on the dumps over the thought of it now.

It really doesn't matter to me why a woman would reject me on the spot, if she never wanted someone else to love, which would be just too obvious. I don't care if it's about my personality or appearance now, but I would just like to know for each one I go to, before I can start factoring what I can and can't do by myself to be not out of line. I'm going to just start asking in a relaxed manner now;  I'm no longer holding so many disappointed feelings underneath me- it's like I'm totally ready to go on an adventure to find the woman to settle down with. Also, I really don't care about their appearance and really more about their personality now- I'm looking for someone who likes the outdoors quite a bit and to go places with friends and to just chill and is also pretty fly with participating in a lot of things, while seeing almost eye to eye with me. I'm physically aggressive and really like to relate at a personal level so I may actually need someone to be physically healthy and around my age. Wow, the appearance is so over-rated because what I just described is almost the perfect woman for me to be married to!

Solving A Huge Problem

I think I finally have the solution to my dad being so nit picky about who I marry. He told me that in his tradition, it was really the parents who decided if their son would be able to marry the girl he decides to bring home. It's a pretty funny tradition to even think about following. 

Because I'm under my parent's home still and for being an over-grown adult whose about to pass the age 30, it's time that I try to leave the house and learn to manage and live on my own. Maybe even have my own house with a dog and cat or something. The only problem that's keeping me from moving out is because I'm dreaming big and what's totally going to get me to finally settle down with just about anyone I want to confidently choose without my parents playing a role is being able to make lots of money. I don't care about appearance; heck why should I now, because I'm already a short person and not very bright like the others out there. I might be teachable and will grind out matters that feel really sensitive to me, but that's not the point now. 

The only way for me to get everything I'm looking for out of this life is really going to have to be about me working very diligently at everything now and to concentrate a lot better after I tell what I think are the funniest jokes or after worrying about not receiving some cues. My breath is like echoing that I'm not going to make it in life, and my mind is just naturally wondering off into a visually imaginative weird cataclysm of media clashing each other with that lucky celebrity stuck on my brain; man it's pretty annoying. I think I've been watching too much T.V. over all these years and from having an over-developed head, I wasted unstored brain cells for a bunch of nonsense! From where I'm supposed to be headed right now, I don't think I can afford luxuries as a distraction; I have to grind out some things in my life, just like everybody else has. The only thing I don't want to regret now is holding back my own honest statements with people directly and just constantly feeling mad about it now; I'm just going to spill it out and if it ends up with me ending up in a mental hospital then so be it because I'm not about to kill anybody for reasons that don't warrant it, neither am I going to commit other capital crimes because my morals are founded from admiring God's principles in the Holy Bible. Boy, some Christians don't read their Bibles and go off with doing their own thing which is not how God really showed Himself through Scriptures!

Meaning Well, But Not Always Received

One thing I've always had a hard time following and feeling discouraged with is how I really base my confidence in people with how they respond to me. It sucks to be left alone, and I think all the effort I make will be something that activates later in life.

While hoping for the best, if the doors can't be opened despite giving it my all, then might as well just accept how I did my best and not be disappointed from it and then do the best I can to make improvements and keep moving forward and trying again as long as I believe what I would obtain would make me happy. I have something of a love-and-hate relationship with my emotions these days; I used to hate feeling so emotional about things that I would do with people- whether it was a simple hello I said to them or went for as to ask a girl to the prom which she agreed too. Hmm, the guy said she wasn't that good looking and how she bought a dress; I asked her out knowing she needed someone to go with, and I guess that's how I try to be nice. Now that I don't care about appearances, I seriously wonder how she's doing and if she's settled down with anyone.

Toughening Up Feelings

Now, I'm just writing anything on this blog that I feel is appropriate, and it's like the words are just flowing more smoothly. I've always thought of adding pictures but that just feels so personal to put on this blog. I don't really feel right about publishing my own personal photos anymore, and I don't even want to reveal every private thing going on in my life. Nonetheless with the things I write, I do give off clues.

I hope that my endeavors on Facebook or anything I just write in the future would do its intended purpose which is just to bring positive smiles. I'm honored for the little guy that I am and the weird person I am who doesn't get the recognition he doesn't deserve, I'm just another statistic.

It's hard cold reality; very few people if they are there really do care and those people who do care, I'm actually very bad with them. I'm really lagging behind with my time. Those people are also like the most important to me too.

Not Deserving And Not Expecting Much

Even though I don't see myself as an honorary person, I'm going to do the best I can in life. I have issues with feelings underneath that make me feel so nervous sometimes. I'm placing my shoes in places where it's just nerve wrecking for me, but from the hard effort I'm putting into it these days; I've learned a few honest tricks that really help turn the tide to my favor.

Looks like for now, the only thing that's really going to put me in a decent spot now is to go through with marrying and working at it to solidify the relationship, along with having plenty of wealth. There's something that I want to accomplish on the side and see as like the highlight of my life, but honestly, going through with the intention of raising a family might be much more bigger than anything else with my own personal life.

I don't see myself as deserving of a wife of any kind; I'm a very sensitive and introverted person by nature. I'll put in the effort to keep a relationship alive and healthy but there's no guarantee for me that I'll make it happen satisfactorily. I don't want to argue with the spouse, neither do I want the annoyances that come out of her requests. This is going to be a tough one to settle for me and even if I end up failing as a loser because I just didn't put enough effort into it to find someone right or wasn't that fortunate as I would have liked to be, at least I can say that I gave it a shot and that's how the chips decided to fall.

All This Anger Inside Of Me

Man, I feel so stupid after getting out of the temporary anger. It's like a momentary fit I have while fixating on some ideas in my head. I need to do something about it. I can't just continue to let that process continually happen but do something about it.

Through managing the anger, I used to feel really depressed from feeling angry in general and that's pretty much how I was able to let it go eventually. There's always been pain associated with negative emotions for me, and it's something I don't take to heart very lightly. I remember what I did and that's pretty much I got to try again. I gave my best effort to be witty during those moments and to always place my best foot forward.

I think I'm losing what I had that made me so unique and cool in the past. It's the life style choices that I made from having wanted to be normal. No matter how much I try, there's always going to be sacrifices that I have to make.

Back With Jet Lag

Right now, my mind is just filled with thoughts of the game candy crush. I can just visualize those pieces in my head almost perfectly and make it seem like a screen that covers my vision. It's driving me a little crazy! It must be some mixture of brain chemicals to fuel the good times I had from playing the game; I guess that's a compliment for the inventors of the game.

For some odd reason, I'm physically dreaming about taking some courses over again in college because it feels like I failed to complete some classes. There's so many things that I want to do and to balance all of it out, I'm pretty much wasting my time going back on focusing with just a few things because that's all I have the time for. What I think I might be good at is being patient long-term and then improvising even though I am scared underneath.

Raising Effort

I am a pretty weird person. I do a lot of terrorizing with the weirdest people and then shut myself off as a person with the crowd. I am so self-absorbed and sensitive, along with mainly being a time waster. I lack so much discipline and have issues with my own personal feelings. I'm not someone who deserves to be in a relationship with anyone.

I lack so much talent with people, and I am not really that appealing to many people. Surely, I've come quite a long ways to get a few people genuinely pretty cool with me, and I'm really grateful about that. I'm only close with a few guys and with one girl. Hey, that's not bad after all. I don't know, maybe it's performance anxiety or something.

Man, I am such a bad person underneath and so insufficient. That's just how I feel most of the time but it doesn't really affect my confidence anymore as it used to. Everything is going for me not so smoothly and that's how it's always going to be for me. I'm okay with the thought of being a little depressed and working hard at the same time.

Humbling Myself

Last night, I did some things that a typical man journeys into but instead of feeling like a wreck which is how most intelligent men feel from getting a type of mental hangover, I was actually feeling quite proud and confident of my current biological status. Okay, that settles it, no more giving into feeding an ego that I already know is strong and no need to go after tempting myself in overcompensating and looking like an idiot later in another social group.

The only thing about me is that I'm physically short, and I feel sad and want to try cry about it sometimes but then again, I'm always trying to laugh it off these days. Laughter is great medicine for an ailing soul! Because my parents for some odd reason think I'm a sociopath whenever I make silent laughter that's pretty obvious to them, I'm trying to laugh off these issues in my own head without showing my true emotions on the surface of my actual face!

Because I don't cry whenever I'm sad, it seems like that expression I give off in my face is what my parents find the most acceptable in. They don't want me to complain to them or else they'll think I'm crazy. It's absolutely funny but at the same time, a pain to have to deal with. Oh well, I'm getting better at personally resolving these things internally. It looks like I've gained so much true confidence these days, but I'm really taking my time with finding someone to love and settle down with still. The saying goes, love conquers all. For me, it pretty much means that if my parents complain about something shallow or small and disapprove of a future girlfriend and we both end up loving each other, then I'm going to disregard them about those things. Might as well labor hard and make a lot of money so my parents come to me for financial support and won't say much if I threaten to leave their sight because they are being so shallow!  

Getting Sidetracked

I'm finding myself distracted from going back to the same old ways that I thought I settled already. I'm enjoying my personal space and time just way too much. I get a lot of personal time to myself from being the person I am, so whenever I get hollered at by a friend, guy or girl, I just get all giddy inside and excited about hanging out.

I'm also very cautious and won't go out of my way for someone also, so I guess I'm not really into being trapped with those addictive feelings some guys have when chasing after cute skirts. It really looks like I need to start concentrating a little better because I'm a lot slower than I used to be. I used to be like being brave in going through the motions of life, but now I'm just looking at how things make some reasonable sense. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a good person and to settle down with a drama free lady whose been brought up well, too.

I'm going to occasionally slip up with my personal and egotistical expectations, but my commitments with people look like they're pretty huge to the point, I wouldn't break an agreement unless it became invalid from a Biblical standpoint. What I notice from God-worshiping freaks sometimes is how they don't really read their Bibles and go off tangent with some wacky and unappealing beliefs. They base their lives so much on being emotionally stable from doing something questionable. Take for instance, those scammers who make a living lying about themselves and offer a richer scheme for paying a service fee. Some of them feel they are doing God a great service for their fellow countrymen by messing with the Americans who destroyed their economy!

Holding Back Out of Manner

I realize that some people are ultra sensitive and while trying to mean well, they will side with one thing so greatly while overlooking many different possibilities. This means that if a guy who is very witty at twisting fate pops up in their lives then those people are just going to become so mad at the person and not want anything to do with him, while continuing to be brats in other areas.

I realize that I am a guy who can twist fate into his own favor through the way I am in my personal actions. I learned and finally understood the past problems that were bugging me. I was just frustrated from being shy with girls and as a result, what I did ended up scaring the people who thought they were trying to help me. The good thing is that nobody really cares in general what I did and that they were just being a little too sensitive. Even though I could bring it back up again, I don't think I should provoke them into a shouting match or losing debate which I know I can win either way now.

I'm just going to do this out of moral respect for people. If they decide to bring it back up with me, then I will most likely engage them in a hearty debate. Basically, for the lady, if she takes offense to it and I have no defense at the time and then later find all I need, I won't go at her to make her feel stupid. If she decides to bring it back up again, then I will have the proper defense to present. In general, I'm not going to be the one to hound down all the nice and happy facts I have gathered to enrich my life to show off with all my antagonists. I'm not going to initiate any more things but if they decide to bring up something against me then I will do what I desire to do out of just self-defense. Basically, it's like a mental sheath with a literary sword that I have developed and can metaphorically draw at any moment to combat people with stupid accusations or bad ideas.