1 out of 6 Have A Mental Disease

I personally have had trouble letting out some very bad personal things about my life because I just have not been wanting to expose the terrible mistakes that I made or the influences that I was a part of. Now that I think about it, it sort of makes me want to feel really sad talking about my horrible past. I guess with my faith growing stronger in the Lord, I think I can share some things about myself and to allow the Holy Spirit to bring me comfort.

I have trouble being very consistent in the beginning. It's one of my downfalls because I give it my all but don't seem to find it initially and need some additional time to be worked on. From trying to be a truck driver to pay off my debt, I drove a truck which is considered to be a very dangerous vehicle to some people and seem to be intimidating. I had trouble improving on the stick shift so I just bargained that I would get some additional road time in to work on it before going for a Class A Road test. I found out that talking to my training buddies and getting information really helped me to succeed in doing some difficult tasks in a fast period of time. Basically, being helped in learning the material really helped me put the stuff together personally and it made me succeed a lot faster. I guess I can do pretty well in study groups then.

What I really need to work on is consistency and to have patience in whatever I am doing. This patience needs to be translated to waiting on the Lord and asking for His guidance and comfort. Growing up, I was diagnosed with bipolar disease because I heard a lot of disruptive voices in my head and it really annoyed me a lot and stressed me out so much. Those voices in my head that sounded real like someone yelling through a tunnel would depress me when it was a negative thought or make me happy when it was positive. My symptoms ended right away through being fortunate and by having the Lord on my side, I was cured and have found relief. The medication I took for only a month really worried my mom and she got me off of it once I showed signs of relief and comfort to her. I was prescribed Risperodol and Prozac. I now hear some comments about Zoloft, but yeah I think I contributed to a highly successful case with Prozac for other patients. I don't recommend seeing a psychiatrist right away if you have very irritating symptoms. So when some of the misled and delusional girls told me to go see a psychiatrist, I think they said that because I was irritating them too much in an absolute crazy way that's never really been heard of and I don't think that's a smart choice for me to go see one just because they act so persistent and passionate about me getting help while sounding pretty agitated about something. Being agitated and trying to recommend me to something especially if you are a woman does not seem to make a breakthrough connection for me. 

Kinda Crazy

I actually noticed that when Washington put a restraining order on me, he still would read my blog posts until I took it down. I then took him to court to get the restraining order off but the judge said that he couldn't do it. I then saw Washington around and even managed to say a word to him while he was smiling at me HAHA and I even touched his shoulder. I remember he was hanging out with Pete at the bowling alley, but when I saw him I was so mad underneath that I did not even say a word to him at the time. I can't believe that I made contact with Washington without being so shy when I saw him show up to a bowling alley which was supposedly the care group. So yeah, I did actually talk to him and it looked like we were getting along. The clerk at the court had said that I could get a restraining order removed if I showed up with Washington and we both signed a paper to get it removed. This is really crazy that a restraining order may not be so bad after all.

I have researched on the civil restraining order because it's been bugging me a lot. I then noticed these words "It's not a really serious court document but can have some serious ramifications." I did know what that meant at the time but it still bugged me a lot. I now understand what it means, as long as I hold to the court's legal proceedings then I avoid being in a whole heck of a lot of trouble. I do not have any problems with that, so it's basically showing to the party who placed it on me that I can actually live up to the restraining order. I could probably force it to end sooner but I don't really think that I need to. I'm seriously a step ahead now and will not hesitate to finish I needed to end a long time ago sooner or later after the restraining order is over. Whether my image is bad with them or not, I just need to be able handle things like a man now. I'm just going to be natural about things and if I get in trouble for it then well, I hope the Lord shows me mercy. 

Alrite let's get this feeling out

I think a pastor of a small church, Hope Church LA which is located in Al Hambra, CA is displaying the characteristics of a coward. This guy's name is Chai so if you see this pretty mellowed out face and might be worn out with having three sons and seems to have messages that are a little hard to pick up on me (my own opinion personally because of the distractions I felt with him) then maybe he might come up to say hi to you or maybe not.

Man, my mom sort of hates Chai right now. Yeah, what's a world without a mother placing full support over a son who can be a smart allelic when it comes to dealing with a stupid restraining order (it does not talk) and harassment by simply yelling at them but chooses not to. I guess I was living too much out of fear and did not raise my voice any sooner so that they could listen to my low-tone crooning voice. That's funny because a high-pitched sound travels better physically than a low-tone so it's like when I was trying to talk normally they really were not paying attention to me. When I yelled, they really heard me and just pretty much went "Okay" and then smile or act weird or something. I seriously hate yelling but when you are in a lot of stupid harassment and a restraining order and some people just can't hear you because they are trying to talk over you, you need to step up your voice a little sometimes or just feel like you are way better than them and move on with your life. I'm trying to be humble here in a very gray area which is not so cut and dry. 

My experiences with job hunting

I was absolutely worried that a restraining order would keep me from finding a job. Man, I don't know what I did to really deserve harassment by Officer Hyunh and his hispanic partner, along with a care group at a small church.

I've been messaging the pastor a lot and I have to admit that I'm not trying to harass him. I'm just trying to be honest about it and it looks like when I raise my voice or show that anticipated aggravation, they pretty much relent. So this means that I am literally going to have to talk to Annie Tran eventually to fully complete the process.

I just did not get any agreement with Annie but I did manage to call up Betty who acted worse and supposedly confirmed by Julio about some situation that I don't even know about. It must be related to some detail in my writing that made them feel depressed. I guess if girls have that type of self-motivation problem then it might be even more painful and stressful to try to stick around them to be of good cheer and help. I think sticking to the truth even though I'm really mad at them over something so little and just repetitiously stating that I want to be good to them and love them is enough to end up being at base, just a friend.

I don't really mind that position. I never fully made it in my head to try to date Annie or Betty because I totally believe in the act of free will and I also have had some strong attractions for another decent woman who I will never name, just to be respectful and not single her out. I pretty much have an utmost desire to enjoy a monotonous relationship with the most beautiful woman on the planet for me.

I can't wait to face Julio

Haha. I'm making a very personalized journal of mine into a very public thing. It's like I have nothing on me that's going to be that useful just that I'm using this to communicate very quietly with strangers who I want to be friends with and try to show consideration for who I really am.

I'm obviously at first glance going to have some posts that are very uncomfortable with me. I'm still going to proceed with being honest about the situation. My real mantra in life when it comes to talking bad about others is to be honest about it to the best of my ability and not be like in a hopeless mood and then make absurd claims that I have to give up on them. I mean if they make some bad decisions then the consequences might be BOOM BOOM or end up in jail but I don't think I'll be supportive of them making those types of decisions and will try to negotiable even if they are terrorists. I'm not going to let them hold people hostage or escape for their crimes but I will surely give them a form of love just to show that humanity can care under the power of God.

So I will be fully honest and avoid negative slurs and also avoid using foul language and maybe at times cover it up while using good vocabulary to get practically the same meaning and a little more across in a good fashioned and down to earth method. That would be pretty cool to be blog about and enjoy myself doing then.

Let's Start With ME

I don't like calling this a ME blog but that's what it practically must be. I keep getting details in my head that I have to filter out, like these bad thoughts that are a part of me that I don't want to let out just to observe self-control and confidence to the best of my ability. I guess I can relate to somebody and listen to their funny comments or be very supportive and hoping for them.

I'm going to writing about how I feel in the process and will be highly honest about the situation. Whatever takes me out of contention for the presidency or a leadership in the future is something I will gain through respect for others, repertoire, a lot of experience, and basically knowing that I'll be the best at the job.
I guess I'm writing about other people with their names attached to it. This makes it very bad to begin with because my comments are on here and to a great degree I've made some progress to be a step ahead of the bad incident and that the little marginal advantage is pretty much enough to satisfy me and make me move on. I keep getting reminders with Julio who I practically drove to get trained to work, tried to help him on getting a modeling career haha, introduced him to people who he calls friends (very shaky understandings), and just practically comes across as being pretty insane to me.

Julio pretty much comes up to me and starts talking about Chris Kuch, how good-looking or sometimes ill-mannered Annie Tran is, and how he has support from the majority of the people at a care group. I've heard the saying that it's not really a care group if they threw you out of the group even if you were displaying very problematic emotions or actions. So almost everybody has laughed at me which I seriously don't mind when I state that I got kicked out of a small church. They ask me what I did and my reply is, I'm not so sure.

They basically said to do something and I did not live up to it with full expectations and then they took legal precautions by trying to cover up a form of harassment with me. I was pretty enraged most of the time with the replies I was getting because it was so frustrating not to get the divine answers that they so claimed to have. What I mean by "Divine answers" is that they claimed to be leaders ordained by God and that they knew what was best for me. By some of them stating that I needed to find professional help, the view pretty much does not hold.

I actually don't mind Julio talking to me about it anymore. Because I'm a step ahead now and have some satiable actions under my belt, I feel like reminiscing over refutable actions that I did to not be bothered by Julio's stupid accusations.

Oops

I have practically gone without a week of typing stuff on this blog. I guess I've been pretty inward the whole time because I have been wanting to keep my life a secret. I guess being so open about bad stuff makes me pretty uncomfortable. I might as well just be blunt and then if there's something wrong with me, then let the caring professionals convince me through analytical details the problems that I have and recommend me some paths that I should take. I think some people make a living off of that and some really enjoy the rewarding challenges of investing a bit of their energy into helping or mentoring people.

I find it to be very difficult on the topic of mentoring people. I just don't see it working for me all the time. It takes a lot of patience but sometimes I feel like I'm dealt with some people who are just not really that appealing and causing more problems for me, like they won't really communicate at a level I personally have a demand for. Maybe, I'm not really cut out to be a coach. I'm going to have to deal with a lot of stuff but I think there's some fun that could come out of literally having a passion for the game and just getting to relax at times.

Some changes need to be made

I've managed to expose the weak frustrated characters of different people now. The majority of people in this world do not seem to mind me. I know how to deal with these few amount of people now. I seriously know now and feel very confident about it. I'm not so nervous or scared about it anymore. You know what, I refuse to be so angry about it too now. I refuse to be very mad to the point that I break my own home's windows with a baseball and excuse myself by saying that I'm an aspiring pitcher. I refuse to be so angry to the point of playing golf in my house and not caring if it travels to hit my old china plates. I refuse to let it get to me now. I refuse in all those things now. I just plainly refuse to lie about stuff too. I refuse to hide the truth and not let it out. I refuse now to be a bad person on rare occasions.  

Dog Fight

My friend has three dogs- two dachsunds and a chubby small terrier. They look so cute, unfortunately, two of the dogs are male and the other is a new comer- a female. The two male dogs are fighting each other over the female. It's so funny because one of the male dogs is very gentle and won't bite and be very docile with everybody. He will whimper for attention. He then starts fighting the other male dog who is the more aggressive dog and ends up beating the snot out of it. It's so funny the chubby small dog just keeps growling and then attacks the dachsund and pins it. My friend told me they fight over the female dog- over who gets to keep her. It's all about the hormones I think. The chubby small dog will forget about fighting when he is at a distance of not seeing the female dog. It's so interesting that all of them are not even fixed, and the female dog has not ever been impregnated. I think the male dogs are too old now and just trying to settle a score of whose the better dog at winning the female dog's attention.

What do I really need to do?

I shared very honestly about my restraining order that was placed on me. I finally understand the neglect that was part of it. I feel that by me not even trying to talk to the other person was more of a neglect because I would think about them rotting temporarily and then I would not be in trouble for bothering other people who were harassing me then right? Wrong, they justified themselves enough to hammer me but they did not leave out the harassing part with me. Harassment can actually be a pretty serious violation; well, if you need the money like I do right now which I would want to obtain with a job and then their harassment led to them calling the cops on you and then you don't even enter jail and then it prohibits you from getting a job, then I think that constitutes to a pretty justifiable law suit against them.

Once again, I have proven that they are wrong about it. I have it underneath me to really get out of these situations and I can utilize my desires very well while trying to be a pretty charitable guy. I think what I could do is obtain just about anything, but I don't want to be selfish about it. I have this confidence now even though I'm short to get whatever I need to get going. It's going to take me a lot of painstaking effort and time, but I don't mind giving it some worthwhile management now. I pretty much know what makes me a jerk and now I can pick it up for myself. The only thing that I feel is the most worthwhile of my whole entire life is spending an eternity worshiping a loving God who created me and experiencing His kindness with me.

What I really missed in life was that people can sometimes be dealing with a hard time that they don't want to relate with you but unfortunately had it fall upon them and it does relate with you and then harass you while they are replying to you and that means there's something that needs to be done to fix it.

I felt really harassed by Washington when he e-mailed back replies because I felt they were pretty enraging. He did not know that he was doing something wrong with me. I kept it hidden from him because I wanted to symbolize being a guy who was not going to complain about it. I then became fed up when he started talking behind a person's back because I felt he was just being full of it. I then wrote a blog post stating how his dad died of cancer and that he must have been stupid for leaving the family to come here. I was sort of joking of course but Washington just could not handle it. I wrote that comment because I wanted to show a little respect to him while curing myself of having to feel angry with Washington.

All my comments were about curing myself by inducing a little laughter to myself inwardly without having to fully make any sense so that I would be cured from feelings of animosity over feeling harassed by an individual. It happened to say that they tried to get rid of me but sort of lost a little bit of themselves in the process. I'm definitely not some guy you just trash talk in the back and then leave behind. I'm someone who can be more than just mistaken for and possibly liked a little better in the end and that can cause a personal ruckus with anybody who was mad at me.

The only fault I had was that I lacked some precision in what I was trying to communicate- that's it! I finally get it.

Another Blog post

I really like writing on this blog to practically talk about nothing. It's just cool to waste a little time. I haven't had so much time to go on this blog and to be very active about the situation. I guess I'm losing a lot of time to blog. I think I may even have to go on a blog posting binge one day just to see the junk that I'm typing up. I may even break each post into just one paragraph just to be funny. Okay I'm just going to talk about anything now and I see that I'm not about going out to commit nasty crimes to hurt myself. Yeah, I could pretend I'm robbing myself and then change into a hypochondriac one day. I think I'll actually pass on that. I was just joking inside of course.

Okay time to write some more. Maybe I could write some good poetry that's easy for everyone to just overlook and be like cool and then they go do their thing. 

I think I've hit a safe haven of writing

It looks like I have developed some sort of appropriateness in writing about anything truthful in this blog here. My style that I have developed is not absolutely perfect in any way, shape, or form. I guess I'm just writing about nothing to keep myself occupied right now.

I bought some growth supplements online awhile back and never tried them because I wanted to save them for optimal growth. I also need to get my car an oil change and also need to give it a better car wash. I guess my life is not really that exciting because I just want to be just plain ordinary about the situation. I don't believe in cursing at anyone neither do I want to be so harassing to others. Maybe that makes me pretty sensitive most of the time, but I've grown a lot of rationality that I sometimes neglected. I should really use it more often instead of just trying to rely on luck so much. It may feel so hard at times and may be like I need to get some professional help. Yeah right, I don't see it that way. I don't need any professional help. I'll be just fine worshiping God.

Am I supposed to be saying what I need to say without approaching them about it?

I have love for those who wronged me

I'm starting to feel this amazing love for those who angered me a lot in the past. Currently, there's one guy who I personally sanctioned myself to not to talk to or hang out with. I feel like we've argued so much and I've been irritated with him that I need to take things a little more cooler with him. I guess I purposed in my heart to separate myself with him for the time being now. I hope our relationship can grow stronger as a result of doing this.

I finally see that I love my little sister a lot. Despite her annoying remarks, I think they are becoming so funny to listen to now. My mom told me that it's because I'm growing up a lot now. I feel like I've not woke up to smell the coffee- that I missed so much out of this life out of wanting petty revenge over nothing. Getting back at others in a nice way may not been so evil and my method has been grown to not be so harassing but still it needs to be worked on by changing these angry feelings with love and affection.

Honestly

I'm starting to get really bored with playing poker. It's just playing cards and there's no harm in wasting a couple bucks over some harmless chatter. What I really want to do is retire early, yeah that would be pretty cool. I want to have priority in my life and constantly occupied with the good things in life. I want to have this joyful life apart from thinking so negatively about life. I really need to focus in and try super hard now. My life is so centered on me trying to break free and becoming a person who is satisfied with everything.

I want to really make things count and really be able to see the big picture on the long run. I think when I was at this small church, I was feeling a little led but not really fed with how I'm supposed to live my life. Maybe there were so many conflicting ideas to the situation that I should not really come back now. I think it's time for me to move on with my life and repent in different areas that I never really felt about before. I do still have good parents living in this household. I could probably try to spend more time with my parents and bond more closer with them. I have a little sister whose sometimes a poor sport, but still I could really love her very much.

I have friends who call me up and ask me how my life is. I should really respond and be out there and seriously make it work for me. I really need to utilize fellowship with God, really center my life on His Word, and seriously allow it to really lead me. I think my life is really centering on changing my life around to live for God now. I really need to maintain a healthy body for myself.

I have so many ideas in my head that I want to try out. I have so many that they are so hard to keep track of. I really need to discipline myself so I can reach this state of satisfaction which is creating these inventions and keeping up with my priorities.

Happy Valentine's Day

What's a blog if the major recognized events are not even written about? I've been doing this for about three years now and I've been basically writing just random stuff dealing with my life. I've been pretty blunt with myself on this blog and I'm finding out that I don't really mean any harm with anybody even if they were pretty mean with me. I guess I don't believe in being evil back with someone who was evil with me.

There are times I can really be pushy but I don't mean to be like that on a permanent basis and I never would want to be not that bad of a person. I guess writing has helped me get through some tough spots, but I'm really trying to set up and make a living for myself right now. I realize that I have some really good friends and that it's okay to deal with the fact that some people make up lies about you and then force you out of their lives. The problem I have with that is if it is affecting my job right now then I really need to counter it so I can keep working and serving others.

Winning At Poker

I have said that poker is a waste of time. I'm starting to realize that my mind is capable of winning at it. I've read up on some tricks and material on how to strategically play and used some of them. They actually work pretty well. When you play poker for a long time, the numbers and figures really matter. It's like running a business- when you know that your investments will make you a positive return it becomes a very good option.

I've been specializing in Omaha Hi/Lo because I like how you also get the option of splitting the pot with another player. It's really not bad for me because I categorize myself as a recreational player who can play well enough to just break even. Some players are negative return players and should never really return to the table. Some players are super good and make so much because they know when to bluff and can manage to find the luck of the draw and also manage their bets very well. Those players should continuously play at tables and make an earning off of it, if they really want to that is. Poker is pretty popular on the online culture these days around the world and so some make it a profession for themselves.

These are the strategies that I've found work quite well for Omaha Hi/Lo. In Omaha, it's all about your starting hands or pre-flop. Omaha plays just like Hold-em, but you play with four pocket cards instead of two. You then get dealt three cards called the flop. Players usually have five options: check, call, raise, re-raise, or fold. To be successful, all of these must be used! Then the turn card is played, after that you get the river. For a total of five cards played, you get what's called the community cards which is what everybody shares. In Hold-em, the best five card hand is made. However, in Omaha you can only use two of your four original cards and also only three of the community cards to make the best hand. If you misinterpret the rules for Omaha Hi/Lo, you may end up regretting it a lot.

I just call with some starting hands, sometimes you have to fold when people keep on re-raising because you have to sometimes believe they are holding better starting hands than you. It's also not also that bad to be the underdog but in figures it's good to not put all your money in the pot for a starting hand you know is not that good compared to the other players. As you keep playing, you may develop this sense that the player has something that works for them; there's a winning repertoire that you have to develop to win at poker. You also have to be prepared to fold the your aces because the flop did not look that good- like three hearts may symbolize someone caught their flush compared to your aces which was very good during pre-flop.

Here's my labeling X means any card, T means ten, J = jack, Q= queen, K= king, and A = ace. Your best starting hands are composed of high double suited pairs like AAKK diamonds hearts or KKQQ clubs spades. They are super good because you get two royal flush draws, two high three-of-a-kind draws, two high straight draw, two high flush draw, and so on. It will most likely add up to the most possible factors in winning the pot at preflop. It's going to be extremely rare to get these hands so it's important to not fold pretty okay hands when you could just call to check the flop. There's also a gambling factor which some people are not comfortable with because you could end up losing your pot that day. It's important to know if you are an average, good, or poor player to make a smart decision for yourself.

It's good to mathematically just minimally call with any two suited cards like two diamonds and two hearts or two clubs and two diamonds and so on. Some hands are weaker than others so you may have to fold pre-flop if it's too much to call. It's best for you to make that type of judgment. It's also good to play with double  connectors which are hands that you will give you two up and down straight draws. Like for example, you hold a A2 34 which have double connectors and then the flop gives you 5 6 3. You now have an up and down straight draw with your 3 4 because you just need a 7 or a 2 to make a straight. On the turn let's say you hit a 4 then you have an up and down with A2 but made the nut straight with 2 3. Note you can only use two of your pocket cards and only three of the community cards. Holding the nuts means that you have the best hand for winning the pot. Example you could have a nut flush if you flop it while holding the ace and something suited. Up and down straight draws are pretty good draws but sometimes you have to watch out for a flush draw like there are two hearts. I generally like nut flush draws on the flop and on the turn. If it's too much it might be best to fold unless you are willing to make that gamble. Some people crank it up so much with flush draws and sometimes it's better to manage your money for another pot because you could still be mathematically an underdog to two pairs, a set (three-of-a-kind), a straight, and so on.

I can also call a minimal raise with a starting hand that holds a possible nut flush draw with an ace like A 9 diamonds. In that case, if you flop three diamonds then you have a great possibility of playing to try to make the most return out of that hand. Someone could also call with a lower flush draw and then they may be unsuspecting of your Ace high flush.

One of the hardest to play with in my opinion is with AA XX. It's so hard to distinguish when it's good with this one because the AA is one of the strongest starting hands in poker. However, it's very common for the aces to not hold up in Omaha. When I have aces for a starting hand, I try to figure out all the combinations of the winning draws. If I see enough, then I pretty much crank up the pot and hope for the best. It does deserve to see the flop in most cases.

In Omaha Hi/Lo, it's generally agreed upon that AA2X double suited is one of the most powerful starting hands. I can also pretty much call anything with A2 pre-flop in Omaha Hi/Lo. If you play just Omaha and not with the low then you will probably never split the winning pot. Anyway, if you finished this post which is just one of my thoughts then I wish you the best of luck if you decide to try out poker. It's good to read up a lot on the subject and to be comfortable with losing some hands to people who just got the better draw. The figures do work out in the end but everybody is going to lose at poker so that's what makes poker an intriguing topic in how some people just stay on the profitable margin. I'm just someone who can break even so I just play for fun and not going to come even close to killing myself with a million dollars on the line in poker.

Road Runner Plan Turbo

The Timer Warner field guy came over today and helped me hook up the internet which is pretty fast compared to my last DSL subscription that I had at my old home. They said that if you pay about $10 more per month then you can have a faster internet connection. When I ran the download speed test, my connection came up to about 16 Mbps and upto 1 Mbps upload. That's not bad compared to what I'm used to getting. It's almost twice as faster than my previous connection. It's pretty nice even for a wireless connection. I guess the technology for the internet is getting faster and more affordable these days. I would really like to enter into a career dealing with computers and namely I'm thinking that dealing with network engineering technology would actually be a great career path for me.

For some reason, my mind just keeps getting smarter when it comes to dealing with people. I still want to retain my own personal identity and not be in the way of someone's development. I guess I will never be able to pride myself in being a jerk to someone. It's just not how I grew up; I care about it when I think I hurt someone's feelings even if it was not intentional. It was never even in my interest to do things to get a restraining order from a girl who I did not even touch or get a chance to know or even share a large portion of my life with. I'm fairly confident now that as long as I stay off her property, I'll have a great chance of getting it revoked and being able to work for a good company again. I think that she sort of liked me too and I pretty much had no problems seeing her as just an average friend. Oh well, things can go bust in life sometimes but in the end, what you learned out of it and gained something positive from it is more important than seeing the glass half-empty.

Learning Something So Extraordinary

Some people have listed me as 5' 2". Yeah, that's pretty short and when people look at my body they sometimes revel in how I don't appear that short. It's pretty cool and it does not seem to exclude you from experiencing the hardships of life with other people anymore. I have seen guys dating taller women and it seems to be a little more common now. The old traditional view of girls liking taller men does not seem to be so apparent to me anymore. Women can be more powerful, intelligent, independent, and more open these days. I mean it's nice to still be a tall, strong and rich gentlemen at the same time; there's nothing wrong with that.

I realize that it was not my yelling that made me solve my problems. I'm pretty sure that I incorporated it so often when I was angry and frustrated with someone, but that was not what really made the issue go away. It was thanks to my ingenious efforts in trying to make things work out.

Today, I'm starting to find out that there is a way out with mistrials based on lack of comprehension and commutable cohesion. What I mean is that, my random thoughts really paved a road that my heart desired. We sometimes have the ability to set our own destination and to reach there; that's why it's important to allow ourselves to come clean with our sins and to lay it out on the cross and to receive the pure joy that's found in having a relationship with our savior, Christ.

Let's get to the juicy details if you've been sticking with my allusions. I managed to call up Betty and Jarred successfully. That was pretty awesome. Yesterday, I sort of called Jarred a coward and a loner for not picking up on the message. He picked up today and sort of sounded a little sick. Poor guy, I gave him my pitch and I don't think he wants to pick up the phone anymore again now. I said everything right and laid it out from the foundations of my heart. Maybe he will pick up again if the timing seems appropriate. Jarred was forced to take in some of my comments because it was really heavy- a little blunt in a funny way but still sounded pretty forceful upon him. I think he's going to be detailing some hardships but not really revolving around me and I am not the catalyst around him.

Betty was so funny when I listened to her talk on the phone. She sounded pretty dazed and confused with me but really a little alarmed that I called her up. She was just surprised to me being able to talk to her directly on the phone. I'm going to give her some space to recover right now, but I let her know that I'm not interested in doing anything bad to her. Betty actually has a pretty voice and her physical qualities are not really that bad. Maybe I was a little unfair to her with the poem that also included Annie. I did not want to single out Annie so I added in Betty and I had identified it as a girl / boy conflict. Overall, I really love Betty a lot and I hope she can turn out better in the end. I pretty much said and did enough now to avoid a restraining order from Betty. I'm glad that I stated that I'm pursuing after Betty because I expect to learn a lot from her and possibly enjoy picking at her brain a little.

Capturing Today

I'm realizing that my head is not really all that bright all the time. I guess I have some issues with certain people because they seem to think that I was doing something, but all along it was not even in my interest to do those things. Oh well. I need to basically find a way out because it's affecting me from finding a job right now. I have called them up with a private phone that is hard to trace on a cell phone because they had blocked my original cell numbers. It's pretty cool that I'm not sharing the number with them even though I could which would be funny then because I'm sure that they would block it on their phone just because they want to be selfish about the situation.

My prayer is basically for me to get this restraining order off so that I can get a job right now. I already know that Chris, Jarred, and Betty are wrong about the situation. It's just coming up with a solution fast so that I can benefit myself and get a job to work now. I'm planning on trying to get it off to the best of my ability now.

Dilemma With Restraining Order

 My lawyer was wrong about how the Restraining Order would not prevent me from getting a job that I want right now. After going through a series of security questions, the person on the phone asked me to get it off so that they  could get me to work. I need to now show up somewhere along the lines where I need to get this restraining order off so that I could go back to work. The closest thing that I have is to go to court.

I don't really care that they still think I need to repent and all of that nonsense. I think the minority of just 7 people out of 50 over there needs to repent because they are so ignorant about life. Their church is not really that large and not really a political power. They are not really all that glamorous and all that great in their spiritual teachings. It's a little second rate because they heavily rely on not their gifts for teaching but more on being to exploring what's out there instead of really being able to receive the Spirit into their lives through the Word. Oh well!

I'm calling the 3 boys and 2 girls and including the pastor at that church to repentance. I need a job so badly now and if I don't get it. I'll be okay because in the end I know I did my best and was not violent about it.

The Truth Is Not So Bad

Okay, the truth really hurts a lot sometimes. Some people complain like the guys who kicked me out of their group. I just stated stuff in an honest manner but not really blunt enough and they still kicked me out ignoring that I was trying to be nice. Oh well. I know that by me not showing up anymore, it's going to prove that they are wrong about the situation. The people who are wrong about the situation, in my most honest opinion, are Christopher Kuch, Jarred Daniel Taing, and Betty Lam. I really don't know where they are going. I managed to sort of figure out that Annie might have liked me. Annie was part of the list who went along with the ride of Chris and Jarred. I listened to some of her likes and they have some commonalities with me. I also think that Annie is not pursued well after enough by a lot of guys because of her demeanor. Annie seems to be sort of off limits for some guys because they'd rather find someone else I guess. I think she's a little bit in the middle for me. I used to have some sexual feelings with Annie and they were really tempting me and at a point sort of aggravated me. I've felt this way with some girls before but I managed to bump it off now with Annie. Nowadays, I know who I'm really in love with and who I really want to be with.

Superbowl HOO HOO!!!

Yesterday, I felt that the superbowl was awesome. Even though I expected the Colts to make a touchdown and force the game into overtime, my friend sort of flipped the channel to the Titanic movie that was playing yesterday. He flipped it back and we got to see the replay of the interception! Man, it was so quick. It's like the pressure of the defense was just too much for Peyton Manning that time. I still think the quarterback is a more excellent player than the guy from the Saints. It's the defense that took the Saints to the superbowl and that's how history was set up because the more defensive team had a better chance of winning the game. I still was rooting for the Colts to win because they have Manning.

Some nice people would ask me how my weekend was, I believe that my weekend was okay. I have some plans set up to try to counter this restraining order on me. It's not that big of a strain on me because I've come to realize that the fault is on those who pressured it to happen with me. I think the girl who put it on me sort of liked me, and I also sort of liked her too. Once again, I did state to her that I love her as a friend and I pursued aggressively after Christopher Kuch and Jarred Daniel Taing who stated I was harrassing girls all over the place and thought they were protecting their Bible study group while calling the cops to come over. Oh well! The girl who placed it on me is Lee and I actually liked her enough to not really try to write nasty e-mails or make bad prank calls with her. Oh well, Lee just placed a restraining order on me and I'm really serious that she did. I also liked Lee enough to not argue with her when she said that it's her property and to not come over. I said okay, but the thought of knowing that Chris and Jarred was going to be there really fumed me up. Uh oh. Nothing really happened before the cops arrived. Oh well. All that happened was a guy who does not know Jesus yet, Carlos Julio trying to beat me up unsuccessfully. He did cut up my hand on the floor, but I managed to get up really quickly. He was pretty scared and missed me a few times with his weak kicks. They miss some kinetic energy to really hurt and I learned it because I was in marital arts. I'm thinking about going back to marital arts. I'm also thinking about dragging Chris out and pushing him into the bushes which are not part of Lee's home. The cop said that I was hiding in the bushes which is not part of Lee's home. It contradicts itself because the cop would have not found me then. Also, if I'm hiding in someone else's bushes there is no essential evidence there stating that I'm peeping tom a girl that I sort of like. She was a little weird for me to like so there's really no reasonable deductions that I was trying to stalk her. I guess it belonged to some of her wishful thinking because I think she indirectly feeling that I did not manipulate her when I could have and shown how charming and talented I am to impress her. I think she was a little mad that I did not try to steal her heart.

What I'm Ready To Do

My closest correspondents have been a pair of twins who just keep talking to me about their concerns. I hear it so much now. One day, I asked for it in my e-mails which was to tell me what I needed to be concerned about. As I walk in this life, I'm getting it daily now. I'm hearing it from my mom and hearing from some twins all the time. I don't really know what to make of it right now. Sometimes, I'm just really annoyed and don't want to hear it. Sometimes, I feel like yelling back at them. There's so many things that are going on in my life with this situation that I'm just being who I want to be.

My mistakes in the past have nothing dealing with me needing to repent or not as it is being reiterated constantly with me. No one really wants to listen and they will keep on talking until I yell at them or act really odd with everybody and feel so differently. I tried to do something that's really normal and deal with the circumstance.

I feel like I'm doing something that could be a lost cause now. It's like I'm hearing people having a good time and laughing about life and causing stress within me. It's some of these people at this caregroup that I just feel so angry about for some reason. I'm starting to see the pattern of all my friends' logical thinking now.

You know what, I'm going to try to grow taller and get some muscles. I think I'm noticing the pattern that I need for general welfare in myself. It's like my life is geared toward doing what I'm supposed to do. Like I should be really opened up about life.

How I'm Agitated

I guess people can be agitated for any dumb reason. I think it's a part of life to having to deal with it. I think there's something that people can do to just let it out and just be cool about it. I don't really know what I'm talking about. Okay, I feel pretty irritated by hearing that Carlos Julio is going to something called caregroup at a church in San Gabriel. By writing this, I don't really feel so irritated anymore. It looks like being honest and stating that I'm mad is actually helping me not be so mad about it anymore because I'm weighing in honesty.

So I'm going to be honest to the most blunt manner. I guess I do care with some facts about myself but writing it down is encouraging me to deal with some stuff that I don't really like to face on occasion. Especially with a blog that people could just read up on. I think this is the correct mode of thinking for me and to continue writing on it is actually a very good thing for me.

True Feelings

The posts that I'm about to make are pretty dark and personal. The reason why I decide to take this weird course of action is because I want to be an honest columnist. The things that I'm writing about are all related to me very personally. This is an act of venting to relieve of any personal stress and anger that I may have accumulated. By focusing on the absolute truths with a quiet audience, I am basically writing things about myself and holding nothing back.

I have not killed anyone or done any drunkard's deed. I also do not envision myself ever going there. Yes, I am 200% sure that I won't ever be heading that path. I have too much pride to not to drink 100 proof alcohol and get barred by few friends. I also have too much pride in people which may be my own downfall but I don't care about it.

I am making a confession like the one you would say to a priest. I think this post may be a little too vulgar for younger audiences. There may be some mature material that you may need to advise your young ones to not to ever look at this blog again. I do not mind. I am in a state of honesty and I apologize for any inconveniences with the matters I write about and including real people on this blog. 

Let's start with my regrets. This has happened to me since I was about 13 years old- the peak was during my high school years. It gradually became slower in my college years as I became more focused about studying and success and seriously respecting women. I totally regret masturbating to porn and even sharing pornographic material with other friends. I should have known better even while I was a believer of God's Word. I had it all back then even though I lacked a lot of physical countenance to please me. I had good parents, a little sister to tease and play with, good friends to mess around with, and a great brain that wanted to serve and influence the citizens around me.

I have finally confessed the truth about that. I am still pretty angry at Christopher Kuch because he did not really explain things very clearly with me and would say that the conversation was leading no where and end it. I should have just yelled at him and let out my frustration with him. This is what I want to plan on doing to him again whenever I go around to confront him.  I want to do the same to Jarred Daniel Taing.  I have also talked to Bah - bah humbug I think his name is spelled Bae. I ended up yelling at Bae and I should have done something like that to Chris because Bae was like "Okay, okay, okay" with me.

For some reason, with the women Betty Lam and Annie Tran. I'm pretty glad that they at least did some personal decision. Even though it angers me a lot, the Bible states that women are a weaker vessel than men. I should not be having to worry about it so much. If they don't want to talk about it, I may have to yell a little even though if others want to interfere about the whole situation. It's going to be very discouraging for others to intervene as I will yell to let go of my distress. This is what I feel like doing. I seriously hate yelling but the reasons that I am about to give will make it necessary and if you want to argue I may end up yelling at you. I'm so sorry.

I thought I was respecting Darunee Lee Wong when I never really tried to step foot in her door. I had blood all over my hands and I showed it to Chris Kuch by stating "Please close the door on me and I will leave." After this statement, I think Chris Kuch totally freaked out and decided to call the cops on me but stated it in a calm manner with me. I should have yelled like crazy with him and in a frenzy and then ran away before the cops showed up. I may seriously have to yell at a few of these individuals with me talking about it so that they will pretty much see that they are not fully right. I think that's the logic behind my decision to bring upon the element of raising my voice and continuing to talk. I think this is what all people who were framed for murder should be doing, unless if you are Jesus.

I guess I succeeded in pulling the plug with having sexual feelings for Annie Tran now too. The restraining order did not ideally come from Annie Tran and Betty Lam. I'm not wording it in a tricky fashion. I think Darunee Lee's intent of the restraining order was so that there would be a multiple restraining order and that there would be one against me from coming to what they labeled as "Church property". After I stayed quiet in court, Lee sort of lied about me constantly forcing myself upon her; as the only event I recall doing this was at church. Lee had asked me to stay away from a group of people she's around at her house for a certain time period. I thought I was being reasonable in trying to resolve it by approaching the Lion's Den after agreeing to not to come for a few months. If I agreed to it even though I thought it sucks then maybe I had a high probability of being reasonable in trying to resolve an issue that did not really deal with me hurting the reputation of a group of people. Therefore with me yelling at anybody who gets in my way that started with Jarred Daniel Taing and Christopher Kuch, I believe that it's logically a sound approach. A friend of mine thought it would be funny when I proposed it and Carlos Julio personally gave me the times that they would be at Lee's house so that I could come around and make a huge spectacle which I feel like doing just to mess around a little and let go of my urges of screaming at nothing.

Quick Post

I am making another filler post because I just want to keep up with my own personal quota of one per day. I think I will rewording this sentence like a lot for the rest of my life as long as I have this blog up. I also like the fact that I don't have any limit of the words that I need to write to satisfy this personal desire to express myself and let go of the stresses in this world. It looks like I can really escape by writing on this blog and not minding the attention that I am attracting.

Absolute Blunt Truth

Everyone has their own mix of truth and they are going to provide their two cents eventually. It's sometimes annoying for me when I have to listen to something that does not have anything to deal with me. It's hard to stand there and listen to dumb lectures that I'm in total disagreement of. Sometimes, people go through hardships and later want to say that the person who advised them to not to go that road is right. I say, as long as it's based solely on you just deal with it and as long as you are not committing crimes punishable by death in the Bible or being a very bad person like stealing and cheating in life, I think it's okay to not to have to listen to everyone's advice in that personal matter.

For the time being, I am not going to invent names anymore. I am going to use real people's names now and seriously make comments about them in the most truthful manner that I see it. This includes anything that may also have bad references with me. I am going to be absolutely honest this time around. Yesterday, I called up a guy named Bah who goes to Hope Church L.A. and does some serious business travel everyone once in awhile.

I sort of asked about his life and how he was doing and then I sort of gave my spin to the issue with Christopher Kuch, Jarred Daniel Taing, Annie Tran, and Betty Lam. What's so cool is that Annie and Betty actually are pretty common names. The Annie and Betty I currently know both attend a church at Hope Church L.A. I also have a person who I associate with Carlos Julio Rojas. I don't really know the level of our friendship really well right now. I am really good friends with his twin brother Carlos Angel Rojas. They are about 5 minutes apart and Angel is the younger twin. Since I have given the real names and locations of these people in a pretty locatable landmark that is not really their absolute personal homes, I am going to let out the details as best as possible to help myself. I don't really like to always be selfish but in this case my flesh really needs it. If I get a lot of legal suits for just being honest, I have absolutely no problems with deleting these columns that these people are about to have problems over.

I am going to reveal a secret that I don't really want to tell the world. I really am in love with someone at the Hope Church L.A. It's definitely not Annie or Lee at the moment. At the moment, I have also defined that I am chasing after Betty. I am chasing after Betty because I expect to learn a lot from the situation. I don't really envision myself stalking her or really coming onto her very hard at the beginning stages of it. I have been told by Julio that Betty is going to slap me and try to sue me. One time, I called up Betty with my personal cell phone which is blocked. I then used another secret phone and she picked up which I did not say anything over. She seemed like she was in a pretty bad mood. I really want to help Betty out and make her satisfied. I guess flirting with Betty and making her feel good which is in a way showing a sign of good love to her seems to be okay for me. I seriously admire someone more than Betty right now at Hope Church L.A. I'm not going to reveal who she is even in my own private diary.

I honestly had some sexual feelings with Annie. Julio has stated that Annie is not really that pretty. I've had sexual feelings over some girls who were not always that good-looking to me on the outside. It must be the feelings of expectations I have for her. Maybe, I'm more of an emotional person. I've grown up to be told that I'm handsome by my mom and sometimes I bought it and sometimes I didn't. I was feeling really repulsed over my attraction with Annie after she blocked me on a facebook profile. I was going like how can friends do this to one another. Isn't she supposed to be a leader and be outreaching to people even though there may some signs of danger? Maybe a woman is not supposed to be cut out to be a head minister because of this question. Maybe the role was supposed to belong to Christopher Kuch. If it was then I would not have really pursued after Annie unblocking me on facebook. For some reason, facebooking did not seem to be a priority for me but I was sort of in a way exploring my own feelings with what made me angry with her.

I ended up yelling at Bah over the phone after he regurgitated his argument that I've been hearing for the past few years. He basically wants me to repent. I was so mad to hear that over and over. At first, I was pretty stupefied over listening to it. I then heard more agitating statements that I needed to get some help. It only built upon on my anger even more. I then got a call to the police and they came over. I became so angry that they did not make it clear in not wanting to be friends anymore. They still state that I need to repent. I am so angry over their lack of clarity as a result and need to yell at Christopher Kuch and Jarred Daniel Taing. They are real people and you could search for them on Google and possibly add them as a friend on your Facebook. Chris Kuch seems to have some multiple names and his demographic is Cambodian. Jarred Taing is a pretty unique name like mine.

I have two restraining orders as a result. This is not illegal because I am not making any attempt to contact them. The first is Washington Chun and the second is Darunee Lee Wong. I actually sort of liked Lee when I talked to her. I have been told by a friend that I should sort of chase after her because we could be compatible. I was given an implicit remark by Chris Kuch one day that I could possibly pair with Annie. He said "She's all yours." Okay, I'm not biting the line to go after Annie. I'm going to chase after Betty because there is some compatibility between us and she can be pretty nice. She has a pretty dark past but she seems very mellow about having been over it.

As the truth unfolds, I reveal that I used to be a sex-a-colic and still am one just that I want to give in later.  I think I learned something valuable during that process. I reveal that I'm in debt of approximately 30,000 dollars, which is about a half of my expected income after securing a degree in Computer Science. I made some costly decisions but the numbers just did not add up. I need to turn it around now.

Jobs Available

I am sensing that I could probably have a personality to be out there on the road. I came across an opportunity for people to become a truck driver and the benefits are pretty good. After 6 months of employment, the driver could get some really good benefits. It's pretty nice that driving a truck can actually have some pretty good advantages for the moment of paying off my debts.

I took something from the sales meeting today. It's a pretty good company and the boss is pretty fair about the pay. In a world of sales, commission is like almost everything. For the first month, the boss is offering some chump change just a buck / 40 (1,400) to be given rides to set-up appointments and sell vacuum cleaners that people need to have in their houses. With conviction for once, I believe I could let the product do its own selling and all I really need to do is just overcome common objections. It's really nice for the business owner to make some guaranteed money. I would like to say that I would love to market good products as an owner too. It would be nice to be a self-made business owner with the right products to invest in and something that people genuinely want to buy. What's nice about this vacuum cleaning business is that it's very possible for the worker to move up the ladder. The system is also designed for the worker to move up.

I guess everybody's personality is totally different and that's why everyone is so unique in this world. With me writing on this blog and sharing whatever I need to share with the world, I'm still capable of doing what I need to do. I think I would really like to someday have a lot of money and a stable home. I would also like to raise a pretty good family and I also would not mind standing a little taller. Heck, I have a brain that's capable of playing the piano with lots of practice and busting out cool stuff dealing with computers. I have a mind that's capable of expanding its horizons. I should not have to deal with some bad news for myself. I do have a nice college degree and I do have a good passion to be on the computer a lot. I just need some money and that's about it. I'm finding some okay deals out there but it requires me having to leave the home to do it.

I think when people say the economy is bad in the U.S. and they don't have a job, I believe that it's sort of fallacious because there are jobs and opportunities out there. I am pretty fortunate to have a pretty clean record with no DUIs or anything bad like that in my driving record. I could go for being a professional driver because driving on the road for me is sort of exciting and can at times be a piece of cake no matter how large the cargo I'm transporting. I tried doing the bus thing but it just did not work out for me I guess. Cargo won't complain to me irrationally when I hit some road bumps; also, they are strapped in and just need to prevent the vehicle from crashing or skidding on ice! Sounds like an exciting thing to do for me and a good adrenaline rush for being still a pretty young guy. My mom is going to worry a lot but I'll be in home for Christmas hopefully by that time. I'm also doing this to pay off my debt which is going to suck. I also need to finish some tasks for friends before I move on out. I am going to have to fight off a restraining order before I hit for the roads as well.

I think I'll be making pretty good money just that I'll be out on the road a lot as a truck driver. With me being still young and no family, I guess sacrificing just one year to clear all my educational debts is not a bad idea for me right now.