Well, this immediately gets me thinking about something irritating from the past that I have to deal with. A dude I hung out with a long time ago because I lacked confidence in building friendships and just being friends with anyone, used to walk up to girls and touch their hands and arms and all over as much as he could because he just felt so aroused by it. He said that he didn't want to have a baby because it would be game over while doing that to ladies. It really rubbed me the wrong way because I didn't think that was proper so I guess that means I like to still be nice even if everybody in this world was to go crazy with me. It's a strong statement but if I had a gun and it was legal then I probably would use it in that imaginative world to protect others more than myself, right? Maybe it's me first instead and then others.
It's a whole bunch of baloney to think this me against the world situation. It's a weird sensation from just knowing that I'm feeling angry. I know that I feel frustrated and mad underneath but I'm able to have nice conversations with people and focus on the bigger thing. This is all in the flesh and a terrible emotion that I'm feeling, but I don't let it drag me down.
If I'm able to keep these uncomfortable feelings under check now while feeling so confident and in the mood for working hard which is my usual memo now, I feel quite good actually and very happy! Comparing myself to this one lady from the past, it's laughable but I think she had trouble managing her frustrations with me over something ridiculous! She didn't want to talk about it either so I guess that means she just wanted to run away selfishly and protect herself from being in harm's way because she felt so paranoid about it. I definitely didn't do her any service while trying to sugar coat everything from feeling shy underneath. From having learned and with me talking in a more straight-forward manner, even my most insecure friend who I refuse to associate with lately thinks I'm humorous. It's a good thing to be associated with, and I think it's just from having the capacity to communicate openly with what I'm feeling and thoughts while not implicating any harm coming their way. It's just nice to say stuff and laugh from it being so funny personally. I think my insecure friend is even able to sense that about me from my texts and play nicely with me. When he doesn't agree with my jokes that make fun of him and me expressing a lot of LOLs, he either remains quiet or gets defensive.
It really doesn't matter what he says because I have his number. It's the same way with another guy who agreed with another person going crazy with me having just given up on me. There's another guy who does the same too with this guy by just reading my messages and not responding anymore. I know he's reading it because I get confirmation he received it. This guy will confirm it but the other guy looks like he doesn't want to read my writing because he knows it's going to tick him off so much and that I'm going to spoil his fun afterwards at his expense. I'm capable of putting myself in there with people I feel bothered by and just making them hear me out these days.
Yet, I still feel like being a gentleman and how I'm so lucky from having got away with it. I was going for like extras and desserts after feasting on the main dish with these people. I failed to obtain them, so it wouldn't figuratively be like the best meals I've ever had, but it's like I fed myself plenty of healthy vegetables while trying to deal with these people. It's amazing how strong you can become from staying confident and hard working.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
