Making Myself Laugh

What is this meaning to life? Where we struggle and try and not to lie to ourselves. We totally have our ups and downs in this world, but yet the truth is that we're all fallen in some areas. Does this mean that we adopt some type of pessimism with ourselves? I don't really think so.

I think I'm on an endless loop of some sort of passion. A type of passion that wants to lead me to discover something. I know how some individuals say indecent words, which I hear practically quite a lot in this world but I don't really choose to use them because it makes me feel bad whenever I think about those kind of words. So I'm left to try to be more creative in my approach of insulting others or making up bad jokes or being crass or just trying to complain in this world.

I think for myself I'm really left to utilize everything that I have by just plainly being honest with myself even if it hurts me. I guess I've been wanting to avoid myself sometimes by not being honest with myself. I think that if I'm really honest and whatever road I've decided to take, even though I'm afraid of doing evil acts and also hate them at the same time as of this moment, I'm left with just being myself ultimately in the end. I guess dealing with this whole marriage thing with myself, I would definitely not mind being with a single woman the rest of my life but I don't really mind letting her go for someone else she's supposed to be with even though it may be a little hard for me at first. Maybe, my life is supposed to be centered around myself just being single the whole time and it does hurt sort of. I feel this hurt inside of me in making attempts to annul feelings that I have a hard time letting go of. Overall, maybe the idea of just doing it is the best philosophy for myself.

If I had everything I wanted materialistically, physically, emotionally, talent, and in being loved by others; the only thing that would set me back from marrying her would be if she did not really want to or if I was not really comfortable with it. I think I have some emotional problems. Haha! I'm just afraid to really do stuff to my Facebook because I don't really want to check how many Facebook friends I'm losing. Haha. The idea of going up to people to ask them to put me back on was so irritating and nerve-racking for me at the beginning. Haha. My stress level is so much lower now, but I still feel this aggravation kick in for me. I guess I'm a little comfortable with it then and that's where I need to really suffer to learn a lot more about this whole Facebook phenomenon and people. Haha.

Doing The Right Thing No Matter What

I guess I'm considerably a pretty normal person with the psychology of how things are supposed to run. I have to continue to be fully honest and not try to cheat on the long run no matter what weird feelings get in the way. Overall, I'm not going to try to interfere with something that is perceivable as being good. If I'm suffering from trying to stay good over people having done something bad to me and I'm not trying to be bad but keep on messing up somehow then maybe it's considerable to think about getting some professional help. Okay, for me writing this it's honestly making me a laugh a lot now.

I think I have the floor on this blog now and if you're coming on to check up on my writing to see anything faulty on it or for whatever reason then welcome to this blog. It's an area where I'm just being honest with myself no matter how bad I've become or how great things are going for me.  I'm really going to rejoice and put my trust in the Lord all the days of my life. If for some reason, this blog messes me up with some lawsuits which I think would be a little funny on the long run or places me in prison for trying to rewrite the constitution then I'll still entrust God wherever I'm at. I'm going to let this all out and keep working on myself. With all the bias that I'm filled with, I'm going to reveal it to God in this writing and all the emotional problems that I'm faced with. Everything that's making me mourn or laugh or making me immature or making me calm or making me strive to be with God, I'm going to try to make my life a living sacrifice. Even if I lose more Facebook friends through whatever means or have trouble adding some individuals I want to add, I'm not going to mind anymore eventually.

Think Big And Bright

I could really imagine what I would be doing with a lot of money. For instance, having a salary of a million dollars would translate to me giving away 10% of it to godly orientated things, such as Red Cross, World Vision, Global Disaster Relief Funds, hospitals, very active and good churches, etc. I could see myself getting really involved in a lot of things; this is only because I would continue being single. On the long run, I don't really project myself as staying single forever though. I really long for companionship and to be able to take care of a family and take on a marriage.

I guess it really comes down to putting yourself out there and letting God work in your life to set the table straight and bring back life into your situation. This is what really God desires for us in the Bible, that we may come to know Him so that we may have life. I'm just jumping ahead of myself already with what I could do with a steady cash flow and not really be at a full-time workplace. I want to be engaged in learning some skills so that I may be able to assist in handling some cares of this world. I think I could be serving God a lot better with this joyful mindset of being able to share my gifts with others and contribute to the wellness of others. I'm really thinking about training to become a Physician's Assistant if I have a lot of independence and good wealth. I guess I want to pass up my time doing other cool activities besides just being with one job all the time and just adding on to myself.

Time To Leave Behind Some Things

I guess I'm in a lot better place now and really feel good where I'm really supposed to be. I don't really mind making a fool out of myself that much anymore and working on it to become better. It's funny and not really that embarrassing to me anymore.

So overall, I see that you could be riding a slippery slope by playing poker and that only a few people become so fortunate enough to make it to the top. Mathematically speaking for me, it's not a winning ride to compete for because the main table focus is gambling money. Ethically speaking, for me if you became really good at it and made money then great for you! Ultimately, I see it as just gambling and dealing with pot odds. It's really just dealing with how you're dealt cards and if you're lucky enough to get others to fold or call your hand. For me, I'm going to leave it behind and not try to come up with different strategies to beat the system or anything like that. I'm going to settle down with what I truly like doing and that's just computers. There's a lot of money to be made with computers and this is what a girl who studied business coined the phrase for me once. Yes, someone told me to stop harassing her which is really funny to think about now. This person is Christopher Kuch who wrote it on an e-mail to me and I thought he was just joking at first. He really meant it and called the cops on me. Wow, I never thought he'd take it that far. The girl is Annie Tran over at Hope Church LA. I heard that she was engaged to some guy and even though the person who relayed it to me does not really support her decision by trying to make fun of her and being secretly depressed everybody he likes ends up sort of rejecting him. He's just living in this cycle of ignorant happiness but it's just a way of bringing himself down now. I guess I'm being really honest here to the best of my ability and Julio is just going to keep on denying everything I say instead of getting mad because he really can't keep up with my writing.

I'm glad that Annie was sort of friendly with me in the beginning. I guess thinking about how pretty she is making me laugh pretty hard by myself. She was a pretty okay individual and I'm pretty relaxed to bring her a resting state. I'll always be a friend to her, no matter what others think. I think it's just hard for a girl sometimes because I feel where the momentum is going and it's just so hard not to laugh underneath. I was just frustrated for the wrong purpose which was trying to be a little dishonest with myself and not laugh and treat it seriously because I wanted to be an advocate. It's just too impossible to be an advocate of the devil with anything he does and it leads to nowhere and a life of ruins. It's just better to open up your love for someone like Annie and be completely honest with her even if it means sacrificing a part of yourself.

What I Spent On

Today, I invested in some expensive Forex software. They feature some online classes with the creator of the software that come with the expensive fee. It also has some good reputation and nice hype in the Forex market and features a nice predictability trend on the software while factoring in bias of the money market. I learned that the Forex market has trades that are well over a trillion dollars daily. I'm going to risk about 5000 dollars in this market and apply the tools that this Forex software and classes are equipped with. I read from a testimonial that some of these investors started with that amount and then increased it to 25000 and then on to a half-million dollars after four months of trading. I want to try it because I already knew about this and even tested it out with play money and came up strong in my earnings.

I also received e-mail from some employees that they are hiring computer technicians and so all I need to do is just pass a simple exam to be considered for a pretty good paying position. I might be in line to have a pretty stable job and then have some good tools to increase my equity with stocks. Becoming a millionaire may be a lot more fun than I thought. I'm also the type who does not mind giving back what he earned because it's by the grace of God that I'm still alive after all this irritation and grief that surrounded my personal upbringing.

How I Would Spend Money

If I was rich, I would obviously donate some of the money I made because I would feel very fortunate to have money at my control to use. Secondly, I would take classes to obtain licenses to drive a truck and plane. Thirdly, I would take courses that a doctor would to educate myself for health matters. I would also use the money to obtain an MBA at a notable school. I'm just interested in seeing how businesses run. The licenses for driving vehicles is just something that sort of excites me, even if I'm not really going to have a career in those respectable fields. I would also be buying clothes that are a little expensive as well but look pretty cool. Buying a nice home would be something I look into. I would pretty much buy a whole bunch of books as well and maybe even set up a lab to experiment on computer technology or just build fun stuff which would be anything; I'm not going to be that good at it initially but I would not mind getting a kick out of it. I would rent out a large storage room and it would probably just have a lot of books. I would need to hire someone to organize it for me then or something.

The way I'm going to obtain money is by trying the Forex Market, Stock Options Trading, and Google marketing schemes. I might try the drop shipping marketing method too. I'm also going to be open to making money using any good buddy system. I'm going to dig right into trying to make profit now because I'm not going to wait for it. When I see it, I'm going to take the profit now. I want to get some certifications or have some valid way of learning a lot of the I.T. technologies that are out there. I also like the idea of selling property to make a little profit too. I might as well get into that idea as well too. I guess the main idea after all is to just relax, have fun, make good profit, and try to make contributions to this planet. Poker is such a weird game, you're sometimes up and sometimes down if you are a skilled player. I guess I'll just play it a little just for kicks and entertainment only and realize that I'm not really that good at it.

Considering Career Changes vs. 4 Year Degree

I currently have a reputable degree in Computer Science so I think I have already nailed 50% of my journey if I am going to go that route. A nice tech guy who I networked with told me that some tech companies can count 4 year degrees as about two years experience. What everybody seems to be doing to get a standard job in the I.T. industry is get some certificates, related to their field. This is a vexing detail that I have a hard time explaining to my mom.

Even though I.T. personnel command highly respectable job positions, I read on the Best Jobs in America list that I.T. personnel can expect to put in a lot of hours of meeting times and contend with deadlines. That's one of my worst nightmares, unfortunately. If I were to go away from the top-tier I.T. jobs, then I would probably be wanting to find fast money by making good investments. I would not really call that a job but more of living in a loophole and leaving the rat race that many don't seem to mind being a part of.

I'm also really hazy about changing my position now. I think my demand would logically be to get the best job for myself because it would connect really well dealing with everything in my living condition. My mom has asserted with me that I'm great dealing with computers and that I even look the part. I have had several of these assertions that I would be a good techie. I have even managed to be the top of my class in my major occasionally, so this should not be a surprise for me that I could outperform the pack. I think looking for other jobs would compromise my time in finding a job that I want to work with and that maybe I'll always come with drawbacks. The biggest drawback that I experienced in my short career has been long hours wherever I go. Working is just pretty much going to deal with me putting in a lot of hours and this is probably how it is for most people. I really love being around computers. Therefore, I'm making this full and decisive conclusion to become a I.T. personnel and blocking out any additional worries for now on. 

IT Job Growth Statistics

During 2008-2018, the government projects that the fastest growing job group will contribute to about 17 percent or about 5.2 million jobs. (bls.gov) My line of study belongs to this field, Computer Science.  The Computer Science and Math field belong to a group that is expected to grow twice as fast in occupations or about 785,000 jobs. The information sector which includes data processing, hosting, and related services is projected to add about 100,000 jobs. From doing additional searching, the fastest growing IT jobs include network systems and network security. A website claims that a decline of computer programmers is steadily happening.

An interesting digression for me is that the economy is also in growing demand for health practitioners. Most notably, the Physician's Assistant boasts a steady salary of 91,000 / year. When I told people I was considering on changing to the medical field, some people seemed to tear up or appear a little shaken by my claim of wanting to do that.

Overall, I think I've been really ignorant with my abilities to find the best job for me. By not really steadily pursuing a notable job with my degree, I'm feeling really foolish. What I think I could do to be more marketable is add an extra certification in managing Microsoft Office, which would not be that difficult for me to pick up.

Personal Sexual Issue

This post is going to be very difficult for me to open up with at a personal level. I'm going to write everything honestly because I told myself that I would be honest in this area. Through using writing and by being honest with myself on a playing field where I know anybody could mock me or hate me for what I wrote, I am letting go of my frustrations.

There was this build-up that occurred for me since I realized it during my puberty at around 16. It's about ten years later and I have this problem where I get some seminal leakage after I urinate. It's been bothering me quite a bit because it does not feel normal to me. I really hate writing this and I'm avoiding this type of talk in real life. If I hear people mocking me or talking a little nasty about me behind my back, then oh well I'm encouraged to stay celibate.

I tried masturbating occasionally and being very rock steady underneath but it only worsens my emotional feelings of how I don't like masturbating. I surfed on some web sites and they all lead to one solution which is to just relax and avoid anything sexual. I don't mind being celibate but it's hard for me to remember this dedication. Maybe I'm a sex-a-holic and need to attend Sexaholics Anonymous meetings to encourage myself to control these sexual urges and stay away from viewing pornography. Pornography is just really starting to gross me out and not satisfy me. I must be like getting a little weird because I don't mind the normal things anymore; I don't mind being responsible which would be doing boring activities and being satisfied in the end from doing them.

The strongest I've gone by being celibate after my long reign of sex addiction was one year and I did realize my seminal leakage getting better. I just forgot and became impatient and then went back to my old habit of trying to stop this thing through masturbation. I need to constantly remind myself not to give into these sexual feelings. I should not let it control my life now. I don't find a life-style engaged in viewing porn and masturbating satisfying anymore and it never was. It was just a human sexual drive that won't go away for me ever and I just need to let it make me feel a little uncomfortable sometimes and then not give into it. There I said everything bad about myself by opening up. I feel pretty bad from revealing this nasty part of me. I made it up in my mind to never go killing anyone or doing something strenuously evil, so I hope this is the last time I hope to be patient in letting go. I don't have premature ejaculation problems or any sexual dysfunction which is a relief to me. I'm pretty much going to suck it up on viewing the leakage after urinating and then watch it go by observing a life of celibacy and then hopefully enjoying a married sex life later with stronger and well-relaxed testosterone-driven muscles. If I don't ever get married, I'm not complaining and staying a virgin for the rest of my life.

Vacation Feelings From Moving

I really need to pay off some bills right now before they go late and I get bonkers about having to deal with late charges. Being in a bubbly situation for myself right now, I want to go out and walk some trails. I live next to some wonderful hiking trails which are pretty moderate climbs and can provide some good exercise and help you relax. I currently live in Fullerton and I'm surprised by the loveliness this suburb has to offer; it also has a lot of Koreans living in this city.

I guess there are some goods and bad in everywhere we live. I remember seeing a cop car pretty often when I was in Downey, but ever since I moved I hardly see a cop car around my area. The other interesting thing is that by going south down the main street, the city hall and police department is located there! I think I could seriously pick up a lot of knowledge by studying in my room at home here. It sort of feels like I'm on a permanent vacation right now. I even live in a second story bed room now, which is really neat.

Computer Clean-up

My laptop seems pretty noisy so I think I'm going to put it back to default factory settings after backing up all my files. I do have a USB hard drive which is pretty noisy as well. Oh well, I might have to start working in this I.T. industry to enjoy the different products that they are coming out with.

I feel that I'm not really limited in the things that I could do now. I really also have a better sense of understanding things that I need to accomplish. I guess since this is my blog, I can pretty much state whatever I need to say. I'm probably going to start doing some rigorous physical activities and just add onto it. I'll probably also be studying as hard as I can even though it may get boring at times. I think it just requires a lot of patience and relaxing. I learned that sleeping for me is a positive activity because I can get knocked out cold sometimes. After I wake up, I feel a lot of energy before it goes away, so I need to really be careful how I utilize my energy.

Happy Mother's Day

I just woke up with a nosebleed. That's not a great way to reveal to your mother your love for her. No, that's just a joke. I have an allergy in my nose and it's been contributing to these nose bleeds because of the warm environment during the summer. Blood just started spurting out after the first minutes of waking up with my alarm. I then went to the sink and rinsed my nose carefully with cold water. It felt pretty good after the blood went back to forming a small scab.

I was originally planning on escaping to Six Flags but because it's Mother's Day, I won't really be able to. If I really wanted to, I could play until the evening but that would be really pushing my plans of going out with my mom. I think I'm just going to start studying for those certification exams. I still get some feelings of playing some online poker, but it's not my main passion and the amount of time I need to put into it really blows for me, so I'm just going to go after something that I really want to learn and apply. I do have a degree in Computer Science which I had a hard time obtaining but it felt really good even though I could have had better marks. I'll be writing more about my conditions as time progresses.

IT Certifications

I realize that my forte is actually in the Information Technology field. When I go under extensive training, it actually pays off for me in this field. I feel like I could extend a lot of creativity and think about simplistic ideas in making it work while instead of taking the hard approach and allowing this method to relate to others. With the current money that I have, I have enough to train myself and take these difficult IT exams and to gain some knowledge from it. I do have an ongoing independent contractor I.T. position, a year of related customer service, and some professional references. On top of obtaining these IT Certs, It may be enough if I demonstrate great knowledge in the products that I need to use. I'm going to go for being a full-time I.T. man with a lot of these certifications; some may actually be more valuable or pragmatic than others but it will help in related circumstances.

I personally would like to use my money on investing with some stocks and playing a risky game in picking the right one to help me make money. I will probably employ a method after paying a hefty fee in learning how to use it. This group does offer a refund policy if I were to really do bad so I guess it does not hurt to risk it for me. I'm also going to try to make money using the money exchange program. All of these factors in making money will probably occur after I secure a job that I like doing. It's nice to do something I enjoy but still it's just work and will have its slight ups and downs. Having more time to myself to liberally do the things I want to do will be so much cooler from having this residual income.

Need To Lose Weight

I became pretty chubby again and need to take out some fat. This means that I'm going to have to do some extra running. I weigh about 180 pounds now which was my worst weight of my childhood. I'm going to have to do some exercising and combine it with the right diet. I think I'm going to take the approach of losing only two pounds a week and then keeping it off. If I had scaled myself earlier this year on a weighing device, then I would have probably took measures to prevent it from happening. I'm only 5' 3.5 and I have been commented by people that I look really skinny at about 150 pounds. I'm honestly told that I'm a lot smaller than some of the people or even shorter. Man, hearing that throughout college really hurt but I guess I don't really mind anymore to hear about it. Once I get my weight off, I'm going to see if I can maintain it properly and that would mean getting to the point that I could eat whatever I want and still have healthy physiological functions. This is probably going to take at least a year to fix myself. I don't have a problem doing this now because I want to attack this situation for myself.

The side effects that I think I'm getting from having a heavier weight problem is that I feel more exhausted which is not good. I'm going to have to do something about this. On top of doing some yoga exercises to see if I can get taller, I'm going to do some extra working out now. Everything has got to come into play for me now.

My Goals of Making Money

Right now, I'm trying to get rid of thinking so much about my sexuality. It's alive and well and can really make something happen. Okay, what I'm writing is making me laugh again. I guess earning a living is something that would be a blessing to have. I really need to pay off my bills and conserve a little more money and then try to obtain the right things for myself.

I think I've been more of a guy who tries to have some back-ups instead of really attacking the situation. I should not have to worry about it anymore. I think I should start with a trade that I know will actually last for a long time, in case I have some problems with my primary money source later. I could actually be a truck driver if I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. It's a boring life being out there on the road, but the money to be made could be pretty authentic and that would mean I could have time to invest with interesting things online. The only problem I have with being a trucker is the life-style itself and not having major conveniences during holidays. That's probably not for me then.

The rules for me are simple. I want to gain the largest amount of money with the least amount of time put in and if I'm going to cheat then let it be just a loophole and not robbing a bank or literally stealing other people's account. Let it at least be a transaction being made so there's some trade being involved.  

Let's Just Dig In To The Moneymaker

I tried to make a really big living out of poker, but I just don't like playing it for a long time. I don't really see anything rewarding out of that activity on the long run for me anymore. Sure, it's fun for recreational purposes and would not really be a big deal. I had so much fun in the past that I don't really remember what sort of depressed me back then. I guess I was just refusing to laugh a lot even though I was which is pretty ironic.

I don't really want to work that long hours anymore or be dedicated to that process anymore. It's just not for me. The right thing for me is to just do everything alright in whatever I decide to do and to just keep trying and letting go of some things that don't really work out in the end. Hard work for me should be a gratuitous activity, regardless of the outcome and I should be happy with what I was working on. I should not really be so intimidated by it anymore and just go for it while still young and never look back. 

Type Of Work I Want To Find

I guess if you are going to dream then might as well dream really big. I think a type of work that I really enjoy doing is fixing and doing fancy stuff with the computer. This is what I've been doing since I was pretty small. I think I have a lot of potential these days because of my willingness to relax on projects.

I also have this idea where I may not really need to find a job to get rich. I'm thinking about pursuing a career with investing, so that could help me get rich pretty fast. From everything I've been doing, I guess becoming a better person means just working at it and letting it be a work-in-progress.

From working, I really did not like the feeling of being stuck there with nothing to do for like eight hours straight. I would not also mind working mindlessly and with some type of repertoire to never really have to worry about anything financially.

I would really like to have some auto-pilot income and then let it grow to the point of never needing to work anymore but working out of not really any obligation but just out of enjoyment of doing something. Maybe I could try creating some interest clubs and leading them and see if any of them will spin off anymore.

Blogging About My Desire

Sometimes I get worried I'm not competent enough and that leaves me with this defeated feeling already before beginning something that I want to be engaged in. I guess being a little entertained in your head does not really matter that much. I feel like all my activities are pretty much having some fun to myself on the internet and computer, regardless of all the nervousness I feel for myself.

So the next step is to figure it out and then try it out and then if I fail then not to worry because I tried the best that I could and then to keep going at it with something that I want to obtain. How's about having a job that has it all for me? A job where I can take vacations whenever I want, and it also gives me the opportunity to do something very meaningful to influence something better for others. I would also like this job to be exceedingly rewarding in financial terms and extremely relaxing. There has got to be something like this that would inspire me to work so hard and come up with some good stuff that would impact positively in people's lives. There has got to be something that I'm really interested in doing and want to keep on going after for the rest of my life without putting any regrets upon myself.

Jobs

I feel really sheepish with the idea of just sitting on my desk all day and not doing anything to let the time fly by. I am not that great of a problem solver as well. I'm not that great with a lot of things compared to others in this world.

I'm finding that working with computers to earn a living would be simple for me and be challenging at times. I remember how I was like in the past; just really moody and always wanting to give up from trying so hard. I would just stress out so much and be so nervous and fed up over it. I've now grown over those feelings now and ready to move on now.

You know I think I could propose some fun ideas and be pretty relaxed engaging in those activities. There's something that I know I could really do to be satisfied and relaxed and not really burn out. I think sticking with computers is going to be helping me out a lot now. That's what I should really stick with. I could see myself nailing those interviews now and having a good chance of working on it. I guess it's about working on something you like doing and having fun working hard at it. If it brings a lot of satisfaction then I think that's what really counts. I guess I would like to be this thinker who gets to come up with this great idea and then set up a powerful business and then obtain some help in giving back to communities.

One More Post Before I Take A Break

I'm going to use this blog to foster all my desires and be absolutely honest when I'm being not so sharp with my own life. I sometimes feel a lot of pressure with my own self like right now because I just woke up and feel like there's so many things to do and by just sitting here, I'm losing my patience! I don't really feel that important as well with the things that I want to accomplish. Maybe working hard is a form of personal gratification for me and something that I could enjoy.

When I visited Hope of God Church in Los Angeles really often, a few of these people who claimed to be leaders acted pretty crazy with me. When they asked me what I wanted in life, I was pretty quiet about opening up because I thought it was inappropriate for me vent in that manner. I think because I'm writing, there's a lot more I could let out because it's such a passive activity that can fill me with some passion. I learned to pretty much be honest from writing on this blog. What I really want to try to accomplish is getting married to a sweet girl possibly an attractive Korean girl because I'm Korean / American as well so I could be pretty lucky in having a head start there while knowing Korean girls have pretty reputable beauty. I think true love does not also have a prejudice about it so I guess I would not mind getting to know women of other races too. I would also like to get a few inches taller somehow without having an operation. If it's some supplements or to some yoga stretches, I hope my bones will be able to decompress and allow me to get a little taller because I could sure use it. My weight is like favorable at 150 pounds and I look pretty skinny in proportion when I'm at that weight but my height is like only 5' 3.5" so if I were to increase my height to about 5' 7" I would reach my dad's height and be able to have a weight of 160 pounds and be absolutely healthy and not feeling any personal stress on my body. I pretty much feel a little upset with myself when I think like I'm way shorter than other people. I guess I should not really mind about it and also being teased by other friends about it in their own private circle.

I also would like to get rich and retire early and then engage in some really fun activities like doing some extreme sports. I want to do all of this while being young before I become an old geezer. If I just sit around here all the time and think about how wrong others were, I'm not going to be able to getting around to do something that I want to do. It's just stupid to force others out of your life and I know this and even though I'm pretty annoyed and irritated about it, I just need to stay in constant motion of relaxation.