Growing up had some pains for my dad I think. Despite me being a little more behaved than other children, I had my moments which were considerably rare where my dad would try to discipline me for my mistakes from being angry occasionally. Back then, I didn't really know about self-defense and laughter and all of those other useful stuff that would have kept my old man's dignity with me. Since now I do and starting to realize that my old man is becoming cranky and sounding like that funny frustrated guy on a Korean radio talk show, I'm seeing that he's a really weak guy even though he continually exaggerates and yells a lot often haha. For a time being, I would get so angry if someone yelled at me and it would be one of those moments where I would want to wish ill-will with them like I had those types of feelings for Jarred when he kept on lashing out at me and maybe once or twice with Betty and the same with Lee, Annie, Chris, the pastor Chai, Bae, Golf, and F. Chick. Obviously all of these weird people with the exception of Betty (who I'm saying isn't weird) had something in common which was yelling at me over something exaggerated and creating conflict with me because they couldn't keep their mouths shut haha. Those feelings of ill-will and wishing bad karma or something like that haha lasted for awhile with those people.
I'm starting to realize that people yelling at me don't really help me or mean that much to me anyway. They are obviously weak somewhere in their lives if it's this over-exaggeration that they had to enforce upon me. I actually liked being yelled at by a coach though, which is different from actual people who are trying to train you; I really wanted to keep working harder and obviously, I was paying them to train me so it means they are so passionate about teaching me.
Back to the weird people yelling at me category, it's like this, I pretty much say they are wrong and enforce it so badly that I end up using my full anger in our conflict if they continually are not able to let it go and then if I do this in front of people, I leave the premises and then come back the next week with a calm attitude and this pretty much throws off the weird person. The weird person would probably not want to create conflict with me, which is natural and then I get to pretty much relax and let it go and not really worry about it that much.
Obviously, on the long run, I probably won't be able to stick around the premises if I had this type of conflict. Because I wanted to stay in the past, I didn't act out this way but it looks like it's inevitable and these types of overreactions from weird people are going to happen sometimes, so I need to take that into consideration at that Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. They said that I caused people to leave- I heard from a person who goes there that their caregroup (haha, not really a caregroup or a family is it if they think a restraining order is the best thing to prevent a conflict especially when I didn't put out my fists which I should have to joke around with the immature boys over there) is boring haha. It makes sense that they were pretty boring; I was going there to practically be bored with myself in emotion, but just practicing on my speech and writing interesting e-mails (that were so dualistic and making me laugh all the time because I understood my inside humor and they didn't) so that must have annoyed the heck out of them. I had fun talking to people there and I met some cute girls, just that they are not really my ethnicity; and I would have probably gained better experience in how to be a better friend. They totally sucked at being a friend to visitors; they were only taking advantage of how the house was at a girl's house and were about playing games to attract people- not about sustaining a church membership. Yeah, Chris and Jarred (why two Rs? haha) over there were practically confusing themselves and trying to blame it on me with the way they sounded- saying that I created conflict. Actually, I didn't and I should have forced conflict upon them just to educate them on how different it really is. Because one of the girls Lee who claims to pay rent and is like "Oh, I own this house" instead of "I'm sharing with my siblings and roommate" came out to be looking weird, I heard that the group isn't doing their struggling caregroup at her house anymore and somewhere else. Maybe they might try to gather at her house for a Christmas party or something which would be so funny and interesting to hear about from someone who talks to me even though it feels annoying that he forces himself upon me like that haha. It's the good kind of annoying which I admonish that people do to each other. It's just inadvertent and doesn't change if they are a weird or good person in my opinion haha.
With what I just put, it gets me thinking that Lee might have read a few of my blog posts as well and might be disguising something with her agreement despite her heavy initial disapproval of me. In other words, I still think Lee likes me somewhat and for maybe a little more than as friends but I'm not into her (compatibility issues) and probably won't ever be so this is an issue I'm going to have to disclose with her someday if she's still around. None of this height stuff (being short and her a little taller) really matters after all- even though I'm feeling pretty confident about my overall appearance and health haha. Let's say I was committed to my spouse then I would work on things with her to the best of my ability and stick to her like I was glued to her haha. I'm pretty fortunate that I'm not in some arranged marriage scheme haha.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
