Breaking The Cycle

Deep within me, I feel this need to let go of things I deeply regret doing out of ignorance. I guess since I'm still single and haven't really tried to hold a position of responsibility, I'm just going all over the place and trying to ignore feelings of guilt in the first place. In other words, it probably means that I'm hardening my heart.

Ever since my teenager years, I've had this feeling of obsessive addiction coming out of my emotions. It's this sense of pleasure that I keep longing for day in and day out. Fortunately, it was no drugs or alcohol I caught on to; however, it was something even more powerful- it was coming straight from my heart and turning into an obsessive cycle. That's pretty much how I turned my life into being all about staying up to play video games and watch questionable content.

I've broken away from playing too many video games now because from what I really want to do, it really limits me from playing them. I think the reason why I'm able to stay away from video games rather than the questionable content I'm looking at is because I understand that video games aren't really that morally bad and designed for us in mind. The questionable content is really tricky because many might feel it's very offensive whereas others don't mind so much- it's the gray area in life that isn't fully explained. It's hard to take a stance here and unfortunately, if it were dealing with drugs, this type of emotional dependence of making it acceptable to the self would become really dangerous for anyone trapped in it. What I'm pretty much going at is how the feelings are invading my life and going out of control- it's pretty much this longing feeling of engaging in watching questionable content. Afterwards, I feel like a dunce each time after the moment is over- it's something I'm really having trouble controlling with myself. I think it's just that I don't want to deal with feelings of hardship so I try to take the easy way out by trying to entertain myself through watching bad influential content. Life doesn't feel boring and really exciting for the hour but then after it's done, life becomes all plain again. It's like living a lie and taking the wrong approach in finding lasting and true happiness. I think overall, I'm just lacking faith and being really ignorant towards myself on daily basis; I'm going to have go beyond the areas of what guys are normally called idiots for. I'm going to subject myself to feeling intense dislike or like and just becoming patient in growing up with this area. The good part is that I've learned that being honest and direct with others has made me more of an individual people can relate to and not get so hung over with.