Further Effort

To add to my effort with being celibate, I can struggle all I want but it's going to be my prideful attitude of how I could do it anytime that would probably cause me to throw it away at any given time. I'm going to add an extra challenge which could mean my downfall. It's a really personal one and that's not willing myself to look at stuff with the intent of appeasing my sexual curiosity and this will mainly deal with not giving into my heart's intention of admiring female's fully nude bodies from looking at pictures or movies or even trying to have fun memorizing how some women's large breasts look. How they compare to like my sister is off the charts and she was so mad when I admitted that I look at that stuff sometimes and she would be too ugly to even do something like that as an actress. I think she would be accepting of it now and judge me as being a typical boy who sees her like she is because I'm her brother.

I'm not ready to settle down and I think the main reason is that I still don't feel completed. A few of the things I would love to acquire is to feel like I have plenty of time to raise a family and to even have a comfortable place to live which I could share with a lovely woman willing to marry me and who I grow very fond of and attached to.

In the mean time, after my first day of living as a celibate and it being done perfectly, I'm already doubting have made this decision. This is where I go about changing directions to masturbating to porn that I'm not really addicted to but interested in just learning sexual techniques to pleasure a lady. I always feel weird after ejaculating though and then again, this is probably my main reason that I don't want to masturbate in the first place!

Being a celibate for me is easy. I've been a virgin all these years and haven't chased after women just for sex and I had opportunities too. Those women actually scared me away! The masturbating part is something that's just too weird for me and I should get back to considering it again but then again I wouldn't have to if I had a sexual wife to begin with. This is hard for me because I'm afraid of sexual women too even though I want one; I don't want to catch a sexual disease.