I think the first thing is to admit the problem, and now I realize that I have an emotional complex in regards to showing an aversion to hard work. This can't really be good for me either because I want to always be contrary, but my mind and emotions play tricks on me all the time with what I want selfishly. This is a really hard game to master for oneself. It's like I could be settling for a long voyage of feeling baffled while trying to work hard to make end's meet and fearing that I could be regretting what I did in the end. This is exactly the reason why I let myself loose and try to have fun and always want to maximize it with my free time on my own. I still think like a good kid, but want to gain the confidence I want from conquering my stressful goals while letting all the passion stay wild underneath me.
The confidence is really dependent on reaching a goal and if it doesn't happen, then it's going to be depressing for most people I guess, and I think it's common for a person to not be so highly motivated like I am. I think my strategy is to just write all of my personal issues out on here and then do the best I can to solve it, so I can save a lot of money and not have to visit any life coach or therapist for some assistance. I have to take in the struggle, but the worst part has already passed for me. It's crazy how I gained so much more emotional stability and confidence in people relationships from others acting like selfish and ignorant brats with me because they were so worried and afraid of something they didn't want to let out. I also drove a few of them nuts from just constantly bringing it up and playing dumb with them too while seeking for answers to satisfy my urges of trying to screw them over. I was really nice the whole time, and they just became crazy. People can be so crazy sometimes when you least expect it. It's life and something to embrace now. By being the way I was and still am, I savor from realizing now that I won those battles highly discreetly. It's what I like to call, my gentleman's touch.
Yesterday, I ended up getting hung up over testing my level of sexual arousal. It was pretty fun watching perverted, close-up videos of some hot and young ladies. I was really turned on to the point I couldn't hold it anymore which is weird because I usually need the physical touch, but I think the sexual stimulation was way over then the normal threshold for me. This is how excited I became from imagining the fun I could have with someone equally hot and the right fit for me. Just from my physiological senses having been overloaded and with the whole heart matter included, I still technically didn't break my vow with God.
I'm really that stubborn even though I'm playing with fire in not breaking any vows with God. I don't really expect anything in return either. It's probably stupid that I didn't ask for anything in exchange, but from being a nice guy probably and knowing what I wanted for myself, I offered up some really good vows to the Lord.
What I completely did is normal and not something I should entirely feel guilty for. The Lord is my Shepherd and strength and I am trying to conform to His Word via my daily eccentricity. I am a heartless sinner even though I'm a good guy. It's all of these duplicities that I am aware of for myself. Just reflecting on the Lord's true mercy and compassion for me, I have rest assured that I am not condemned for my stupid mistakes. I do feel like a wreck though and this is something I have to work on for myself by continually making better changes for myself.
I'm not really feeling it with Online Poker anymore and the only reason why I play it is to pass the time with trying to gamble at being productive like when I'm standing in a long line. I don't want to entertain it when I'm at the computer anymore and work on the stuff that is stressing me out. I'm only prolonging the inevitable because those stressful things are what I want to actually accomplish in the long run. It's like in my perspective to keep it going like a marathon. I should just put it on full gear and never look back while having fun with my other distractions besides enjoying dirty, fun videos.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
