Basically, I've been just writing stuff down for my own enjoyment while trying to exercise perfect grammar. There's really no discipline or format that I'm following. The only personal rule I have for myself is to not use any common swear words, even though I have a couple where I ended up using these types of symbols (***, !@#$, ---). I could very well be that enviable type of goody two shoes!
I have accepted that I can't be pleasing to all, so now I can live with some people deciding to shun me after letting themselves be acquainted to a lot of confusion and negativity surrounding me. It's very subtle though because that's not what I'm widely known for in my own circle.
I ended up having a fallout with some lesbian a long time ago. I thought we were cool, but then she ended up getting freaked out by me. I can only smile and laugh about it now though. She was out of shape and my last message was that I would whip her into shape. I guess I did this to let out my frustration and nothing bad really came out of it. It was like I was breaking out of my shell, so I don't think she really minded in the end with what I did and probably even had a kick out of it.
All I really needed in the end was some consistency with staying self-confident under all this silence and period of dealing with uncertainty and irrationality. It's just personal negative feelings that don't have any meaning. I'm well aware of it for myself and not letting it play a role while being around people. I guess from managing this steady self-confidence now, I don't really feel ashamed over my mistakes and functioning much more properly as a person. It's like the person I was back then who managed to get all A's in school but it's also including the confident version of me.
What I have really wanted all along is being this confident and hardworking guy while being genuinely nice and having not much trouble with settling down my crazy comrades. I think I've come close to my destination so far and the best part of all this is that I'm staying a happy person underneath.
