I realize that my feelings about being with a girl only really confirms my orientation with wanting to be intimate with them while getting married and then to let the rest of the fun things develop. What's been so important for me to know is that physical appearances don't really matter to me anymore.
I'm only interested in the relationship itself. With all of the few good friendships I have with ladies, I have felt tempted to want to womanize each of them but I have held back those thoughts for good reasons.
I have put a lot of effort into not getting carried away with it and now it's paying off with seeing the true side of my relationships as a fully capable and more mature guy. The initial tempting thoughts are just because it's in my instinctual personality to want to have fun like that with women in general. However, it isn't worth it enough for me because of my faith in Christ!
It's crazy that my belief in having a relationship with God through Jesus has really shaped a lot of my main decisions all this time!
The understanding I have gained is that beyond that temptation of lust with decent and close female friends, I see most of them still only as friends. The good thing about all of this is that I have already grown close with a soulmate! Her looks aren't the sharpest anymore but it never should have mattered to me to begin with.
She has sort of been bad of late as a person, but it still doesn't matter to me obviously. Another crazy thing about my relationship with her is that I don't believe in being with her even though I have feelings for her. It's because with all the partners she's ever had, I believe she was supposed to settle down with one of them. I'm holding her accountable for her personal choices forever! Because of all the negative results and stress she's built up for herself, she's a pretty bitter and enraged woman right now who I think should still consult a well-trained therapist. Maybe I can also provide some comforting words for her and help her out to receive the best for her happiness without compromising my own.
