I'm lacking focus right now and feel a little depressed. I think it's the brain chemistry and personal regret that I'm feeling from viewing porn and then masturbating. I really don't feel proud about my sexuality right now. I guess my guilty conscience gets too big if I do it every once in awhile and so I won't persistently commit to this sexual behavior. I really need to stick on to a stronger decision about what my love life is going to be and then stay with it. From what I know right now, the Bible says that being single and celibate can offer more freedom and will to serve God; believers who have this gift of celibacy are considered to be unique by some Christian writers.
The question I have to ask myself is do I live up to pleasing my own hormones with nobody around and try to be ignorant about it with others. I don't want to repetitively fall on this lifestyle; I feel like I've been really desensitized to the material and that at the same time, trying to ignore that it influences me and distracts me from coming to know life. This is total confusion that I am faced with. I'm seeing a lot of sexual references wherever I'm at in this world and feel that I have to just control my urges. For the time being, there are so many things I would like to work on myself. I just don't see myself as the person who has the throne and can do whatever he wants as well. I'm under this spiritual enlightenment and awareness of what Jesus has done for me and that I should be fixating my life towards imitating him and becoming more of a good disciple. What I truly must be saying is that I want to have mastery over my sexual desires and allow it to centered where God's heart is at. I publically announce my repentance and retirement from pursuing after voyuerism and will have some trouble abstaining from masturbating with sexual desires. I believe that when I physically see some sexual references, it gets really hard to motivate myself not to watch porn. I guess I don't really have any problems about respecting and not sexual advancing any women, no matter what condition I'm going through; I think it's just will power that's causing me to do it even though it's part of my secret nature to want to be a sexual hunter. If I'm pretty good with people in general which I figure that I'm a lot more adept at, then I should not really have any emotional problems with myself in dealing with sex. Let's see if this holds up for me now. Oh well, I guess I may have eliminated myself from being part of the eligible pool of bachelors. I think I need to change in this area and build a stronger foundation for myself that will last into eternity. I think it all starts with fearing the Lord and accepting His instruction.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
