Basically Try All My Might

I have so many things going for me that I'm just trying to be better. Okay so I'm going to admit what I did, I let myself wonder from looking at sexual imagery in the Hellraiser movie series. I was typing in sex scenes just to see the gore attached to it and some nudity. Okay, it's bad and I know it. A friend texted me and was like what you doing let's hang out. I'm like okay, and I got out of that mentality. I guess that's why it's good to have great friends around like that.

I also have been interested in looking at celebrities' breast sizes every so often which is weird now that I mention it. I'm probably not going to and after having concealed all of this for six years on this site, it's not easy for me to be so direct like this with everybody reading this. I feel embarrassed. 

I think the girlfriend I have in Virginia has a great body, so yeah, I guess having a wife then will be great to look at. I'll probably just stick to that then and not try to let my mind wander off like that because I'm just desiring something that I can't reach at that moment. 

The Lord is good and I need constant reminder that His love is amazing and working in our lives. My babe has been doing that for me and I'm so grateful to have met her. I hope God allows this to be a truly blessed relationship and that it really is His answer to my prayers of finding a good and attractive Christian woman to marry. Honestly, it has to deal with seeking after His kingdom and righteousness somehow. I want to put the Lord first over my life before ours and she said she's cool with that. 

Favorite Bible Verses

For the sinful man that I am and how I so relate to others in this world who are in similar boats, I've these two verses to be most helpful for me if I can remember them right now. I might have forgotten the second one by now after having written the first one.

Basically, it says to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and then all these things shall be added onto you. (Matthew 6:33)

I remember a Jewish psychiatrist telling me that he ripped out the whole book of Matthew. I thought it was funny to mention because that verse comes from that book. He was probably mad about the whole ideas centered around Jesus in that book. I was really helpless to say anything at the time because he was treating me for temporarily hearing voices that were accusing me of being gay and constantly asking to come out and play with them.

As one can see, I'm not really so paranoid about things after going through that period of my life. It lasted about three years in my teenager years. I think I was so depressed from getting bad grades and alienated myself from friends and the world. In the Japanese and Korean culture (I am full Korean blood), some students will commit suicide from feeling they shamed their family after failing an entrance exam. I heard a very smart girl who got into an Ivy League school do the same thing after being depressed from scoring really low on her IQ test. Those kids were probably just incredibly depressed from having this performance driven attitude. This need to impress others from succeeding when they wanted it so badly.

So yeah, I've toughened up and I'm part of the super low 30% success rate from facing a psychological meltdown. I don't really care about revealing this part of myself and it's very scary actually to talk about with others. I feel chills coming down my bones because of those voices telling me to come out and play with them. I told them to shut up by the way and took that medication that deactivated them permanently. I missed them like a weirdo for a brief period afterwards. That's where I really sought out talking to real people in this world and making friends and getting to know Jesus better.

Time To Move On

I think the biggest hurdle for me in causing problems with the people that were stupid around me is that I wasn't able to open up to them that very well. Surely, those people were like imbeciles with me and lacked so much reasonable emotions to stay calm. They were acting like brutes in an emotional sense from the cave man period. I'm joining in with them too and going to be grunting my way around so yeah, so much goes into making fun of them.

I don't think they were aware of how silly they were being in being mad about something that hardly has any weight. Yet, I found it to be an important thing for me because I wanted to establish something that felt crazy to them. They never heard me saying this, I don't think they are the best people around in this world and are not meant to be at the top of the food chain; hence, their refusal to get along will only be met with mockery from others and more misery upon them in the later future.

I was trying to sugar code and be nice to them, while being so apologetic. They were saying all this stuff but it's now obvious to me that they were just being crazy with me.

Anonymous Circle Meeting

This is my one man discussion led by me. I'm admitting to my fault with the guilty pleasure of reverting to viewing porn for the sake of masturbation. It feels very good at that moment, but afterwards I'm like man, I'd rather have a wife to enjoy this with and maybe bring forth a beautiful child to raise as well.

Yeah, it's not good for me. I'm admitting this and now if any kids who don't know what I'm talking about is reading this. Well, this is pretty much adult material that I'm diving into now. I figure a kid would have to be extremely bright to be on this site and stumble on it and that I was once in their shoes too.

I had a period of using a naughty software designed by a rebellious youth to generate fake credit card numbers and try to get on some prominent adult sites back in the day. I was a liar because I think I was about 13 or 14 and it said you had to be over 18 or 21. I jumped the gun early and messed up my sleep cycle. I managed to get A's in class because of my hyper sensitive hormones acting up to succeed at viewing super slow dial up porn.

That was back in the day and I regret doing that kind of stuff in searching for explicit content for the sake of never ending curiosity and getting temporary pleasure out of it. It surely messed me up in finding true love.

Yet in the midst of all that stupidity I dived into, I found a renewed love for the things of the Lord. So yeah, I struggle from time to time in not reverting back to my old habit with viewing porn. The longest I've probably gone was just a year of abstinence. I'm looking to work on it being permanent and waiting on a lady who says she loves me and is stuck somewhere in Virginia.

Bad Stuff I've Done?

Okay, I'm assuming now that I'm addressing to a responsible crowd and that everything I say is pretty much not going to have anybody coming to me with the purposes of trying to lecture me. This is my own site after all and it's pretty much the beauty of it with me trying to put up something appreciable for everybody.

Obviously this is something I'm doing for free thanks to google and their 15 GB free offer for storage on my e-mails. I'm already up to like 5 GB of e-mails now, which is pretty funny considering how much junk I've really signed up for. I think I need to change up on that again with the settings.

I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this but I'm part of a kinky social group led by a young girl. I found them on a meetup site. I haven't been to any of their social gatherings but I do like to read up on what she's arranging for people like singing in the nude for comedic effort.

I haven't done any drugs and I can be so much crazier without doing anything illegal so why would I want to kill myself. This has been my reasoning all throughout my high school to now. I'm never changing and never going to try that stuff and even avoid people who are into that.

I've tried smoking a cigarette when I was little because my dad was heavily on it back then. I ended up choking on it and it was like the most painful cough I ever experienced in my life. I vowed to never smoke after that and I've lived up to it ever since. I was between 8-10 years old if anyone is wondering.

I even tried a beer at that young age unwittingly because a drunk relative told me it's water and to take a sip. I took a sip and was like yuck. That too scared me from drinking beer for a long time. And then football with the guys and pizza. Very unhealthy lifestyle but so fun and mellow. I cracked open a beer that time and yeah, it was like the best tasting ever. Okay, I'm not a drinker then but more for social purposes.

I figure I don't need alcohol or drugs to inhibit me. I have the courage underneath me to live it out while I'm fully aware of stuff going on. All of that torment and hard stuff that I'm feeling, yeah I'm experiencing it and trying to ride it out. From having constantly done that, I'm more used to taking on crazier things that I put myself through.

Sweet Almost Done

Sweet my amount of posts needed for the month is up. I actually like putting it all out there in one setting. This is nothing really and it's so easy. It's just cheap and I don't expect to be famous or anything. I'm not looking for that. I think the reason why I'm doing this is because it gives some peace of mind. I just might start opening up everything going on in my life. Instead of trying to make this a website thinking that toddlers will be coming on here to read something insensitive like I've been doing anyway as a hypocrite, maybe I should open up more about everything.

This is after all my personal life that I'm talking about and it has enough sensitive information from me just being plain honest. I will be just keeping secrets that I have to legally because come on that's just common sense. With stuff that I feel isn't really tied to me or some shady practices that I'm engaging in, I might as well let it spill.

Worse People Out There

Yeah, I'm only 5' 3" and at the same time I know someone who is shorter than me. We are close friends and the friend is a slightly overweight guy who struggles with athleticism. It frustrates me sometimes a little because I want him to do better.

I'm a little hesitant to include him in my social grounds right now because he is searching for a girlfriend. What I personally believe in my own convictions is that with a girl, you should be the one who finds her or let someone formally introduce you with the intention of setting you up. The problem I've ran up with this guy is that he's been trying and to not that much success. I think his standards are a little way too high compared to where he is at the moment. He gets tired and a little lazy with pursuing things that are good to him, so I guess that may be the reason why he isn't in a serious relationship. Maybe it's just because he lacks some tenacity.

Another side is that he comes across to me if I were a girl as a little too plain and genetically not that much to offer. He can be a sweet and reasonable teddy bear with everybody too. It's pretty hard to gauge things for him. He's been trying to be successful with establishing love somehow with attractive friends in our circle. I don't think that's happening anytime soon and it's not that simple. They are just friends with us for a reason. He should be pursuing for love and not some simple friendship. I'm not sure what his ideas are of settling down yet.

Even Though It's Hard

For a pretty short guy that I am, my mom keeps telling me so what and yeah, it's hard but so what? It doesn't really help my psyche or confidence in one bit and through several stages of falling into bitter resentment and jealousy of others taller me, I had to find this personal confidence on my own. It still wavers around a lot, unless I'm walking with the Lord. The Lord's strength is very powerful and the Spirit just manifests all over my heart where I'm not focused on the things of the Earth anymore but for the Lord's kingdom. It's an amazing feeling and I'm not at all judgmental about other's appearances from experiencing it.

I think it's important to be truthful and stay in prayer and to be studying and practicing God's Word. These are the fruitful elements to walking an abundant Christian life. I should be doing them myself and from constantly trying to pay attention to sermons on the radio and from walking into a weekly Bible study at a church, I think I'm making some sense out of what I'm conveying.

Plans To Focus On

Well for my girlfriend situation, I met her on a dating website and she's allegedly in Virginia right now while I'm near Los Angeles. She stated she has a home in the San Francisco Bay area and was recently asking me to lend her some money for her escrow. I was like no babe, I can't. I don't have anymore money.

Even though she comes across as a great gal and is rather tall for me by being three inches taller than me, oh boy it's going to be interesting. I'm also hanging out with a cool girl who is an inch and half taller than me. We both don't seem to mind and she's so cool about acting as my wing girl. She's a cute friend and musically talented. I like her actually.

One Area

One area that I will struggle the most with will be trying to take on some dance class and learning some steps while also socializing with people on a daily basis. I guess I can consider the workplace to be a social ground for me so I won't have to put that much consideration into it, except on the weekend then. 

Pretty much it's going to be about socializing for me and doing well at it and managing my time to get everything out of the way best as possible. It's going to make me so successful if I can manage to be consistent at it. I think I just need to give all of this that I'm planning and dedicate it to the Lord for His goodness and love for me. 

Committing Myself

I think I'm going to have to work around the clock like 24/7 to live fully with my plans. This pretty much means I'm probably seldom going to be able to afford watching TV. Definitely though going out to see a move is really fun for me though and I don't mind socializing in that type every once in awhile.

This also means that I'm going to have to work on getting adequate rest too. Basically I'm looking at probably sleeping around 10:00 to 11:00 pm and waking up 5 am on a normal work day for me. With the traffic being a major killer and having dinner with the folks quite often, it takes up a lot of time for me. I need to figure something out to optimize my time so I can get a little of my seven areas into my daily life.

It's going to be hard, but I think I'll be trying anything to make it work this time around. It may feel weird trying to do bits and pieces, but that's probably what I'm only going to be able to afford.

Not So Worried About Rejection

I think one of the best qualities about myself is that now I'm not really feeling quite so selfish and angry about a girl turning me down if I really like her. I'm doing well in that area now and can actually still manage to recover fairly quickly and move on too.

I really like to take my time though in figuring out a girl and getting to know her before I go for pursuing something with her. I'm not quite so fast at it and it may be but never know I guess, I'll just let it be natural.

Just Writing Anything

I guess I'm just starting to recover from a lot of bad stuff that happened to me with people. Those people are a bunch of idiots too! Oh well, it's just how it is and I have to keep on living and relying on the spirit of the Lord for all my strength.

I guess it's pretty ironic and deceptive to think about the most shallow things and be upset over not having them. This isn't really living a true and meaningful life. Being able to conquer those things that bring you down starting from your own heart is very cool.

Maybe No Time

I might not really have that much time to really do anything in the week, so I really am going to have to be diligent about my time management. It's really not that good for me to just mess up on stuff continuously. I'd rather not let that happen and just be cool.

Let My Mind Wander

I've actually been a little taken away from reading up on a horror movie genre and just curious about it. It does seem pretty cool to say nonetheless, but I think I know what I'm really watching it for and it might not be a spiritually healthy thing for me to continuously dwell on.

I'd rather let that I experience utmost pleasure from acknowledging God's ways and that's pretty much doing everything properly and with the right heart. I'm once again reminded of God's love from what I have going on in my simple and lackluster life at the moment. I just need to keep pursuing and trying hard, I guess.

A Few Things I Have In Mind

Bible (God), Work Out, Trade, Cook, Program Games, Socialize, Music and Dance. This is pretty much what I'm good for doing with my free time. It's within seven categories so it should be good then.

Stop Wasting Time

I think I just need some good friends to keep me on my toes and focused. I think I need to just keep pursuing after the love of Christ and going after what I've been born to do instead of just lounging around and not doing anything.

Current Schedule

Well, one thing that keeps me the most busy is my work that I'm doing. I would honestly like to not have a traditional 9 to 5 job if possible and just be rich off my butt from having made subtle and legal investments that just turned into crazy profits! Maybe everybody wants that, but I think anyone just can't pursue after it because it's like not part of human nature to think any possibilities about it.

Anyhow, I'm going after it now. What a pretty good business model can be is two ways- generating a lot of money from working on a few high quality and expensive products or selling something really quick that's cheap and popular. Either way, a company will be prosperous in making money.

Starting To Put It Together

From working at my new normal time, I've been having a hard time getting started with doing some things that I want to do on my free time. I guess it's just going to take a bit more effort and sacrificing some things that I won't really have any time to get to at the moment. What I'm really talking about is that it would be nice to get a Master's in business computer programming and I have a strong start in it with my first two courses.

I think what fueled me to succeed is that I know what I think I want. It's dealing with a career in making video games. I'm really starting to factor in that I don't really have that much time to let my mind wander off that much. It's probably better that I stay straight and focused like a robot for now and let the good stuff come to me naturally in time from putting in the hard work.

New Schedule

So it looks like I'm going to be working out on evenings when I come home from work everyday. I'll be working on everything and going after bigger muscles with a six pack and have the endurance for completing a triathlon!

I'm going to make Wednesday nights my fun one and I'll go do some indoor rock climbing and bowling. I think I'm on my own here. That's how much of a loner I am and can't really find anyone to go with. It would be nice with having someone around but I guess I'm going to have to work on socializing more and going for making a girlfriend who enjoys doing those things with me.

A lot of the girls I talk to are busy people. I wonder what it would be like to have a loving relationship with one of them physically. I have something like that on paper right now from just texting a girl I met online.

Making Time For Things

It looks like it's my second month of the new year already. Valentine's Day is almost already around the corner which is cool, but I have no lady to really celebrate it with. The girl I've been talking to is so far away from me right now. Yeah, it's really hard in general!

With me walking into places, I might actually feel like a girl with a huge frame. I'm sure she might have some insecurities underneath. I'm getting a lot of inward chuckles about how short I really am now. I don't really care anymore what people think or say about my height.

Other than that, I still wish I was tall enough so that it would be easier to dunk a basketball! It would maybe have been great to even gain a longer length for rock climbing or towering over other athletes in a soccer or football field.

I'm a little envious of tall people who could do those things, but looking at how I turned out, I'm sort of smiling about it. I think I'll just continue to do the best I can to gain a closer walk with the Lord!

Online Dating Update

Well it looks like the person who said her dad passed away hasn't really texted me back and says she's really busy. Okay, this is contrary from what I remember awhile ago from what a scammer did to me.

I think if I really came clean on here with everything that I did then it would be pretty therapeutic. I tell my friends all the time and I guess that's where it happens to be appropriate. There's just one topic in my head that I think isn't too appropriate for minors so I'm going to try to avoid it.

Yeah, I'm sure from me talking about it. It probably would make this blog seem to be less childish. I'll really think about it in pouring out everything I have to say.

As long as it's not illegal, I can live with being honest on here. The only thing though is that it might be better not to because what if I lost my sense. Yeah, I don't feel too comfortable talking about some topics personally. I might as well go for what feels okay to discuss about.

Making Adjustsments

Again, I'm finding myself just doing same old routine and losing some precious time. I'm just procrastinating when I get home and dragging on something that I would like to do. I think it's time that I just let it go.

I think seriously from praying to God in a daily manner, it's actually helping me out a lot. Maybe that's the right thing for me to do which is just praying to Him and seeking after His kingdom. Yeah, I sound like another nonsensical Christian maybe, but I truly believe in the Lord.

I could maybe stop living in sin from catching myself and try to keep myself from reverting back at least.

Not Afraid To Move On

I guess from placing God first in my life and letting that online date know, she's actually cool with that. I asked her what verses she's been studying and she's able to reference some cool Bible passages. She talks about saying prayers for me and sticking to her loving dad.

What doesn't make sense to me is that she said her dad all of a sudden lost his life. She texted me that she's sad and still that she loves me dearly. Man, I feel like this person is going to ask for donations to prepare for supposed funeral that I'm skeptical about. I'm going to look like a heartless person and be like no to this person.

I already gave her two $50 iTune card numbers from a pic I took with my phone. She said she was going to trade it in for hard cash. I was like hey babe, that's very cute. Her story is that she wants to work for Apple. Anyway I've never done that before and for the novelty of it, I gave this stranger who says she loves me dearly practically all the time she texts me, those numbers!

 I told her that's the best I can do for her and that I love her genuinely from all the nice texts this person has been sending. If the person is a dude, man my hats off to him. I gave a nice hearty tip that I could afford and not hurt my budget. From Christmas, I ended up sharing a nice chunk of my bonus to this person too. It was just from this weird feeling of wanting to have a heart of giving. Man, now this person keeps texting me with different flirtatious ways of saying she loves me and even carries a conversation with me.

 Umm, I guess it's the end of the line for me in giving. I put myself out there and that's the best foot I placed forward in giving it a shot. Next time, if this weird relationship that it is right now doesn't work out, I'm just going to be nice about declining sending others donations and be ready to move on. It's too uncomfortable for me. If money becomes a problem and if the scammer is going to keep asking for money and give excuses or just flat out make you feel unpleasant, the person isn't worthwhile anyway.

I regret it and it was from lack of judgement. I should be helping out more of my family members and close friends I feel very close bonds too and also believe in instead of strangers who are just felt out asking for money from having no shame in doing so. From making this mistake, I feel more responsible with the good friends I have now. I feel like I have to be mature with them.

Time is Precious

So it looks like the love of my life I met online could end up actually being a faker. I'm really pessimistic about it right now because I sent this person a special $500 Christmas gift exactly on December 25th of last year. I don't know why I did it, but it just felt good to me. I haven't even met her yet in person.

I guess I'm crazy for saying God bless you and from the joy of my heart because it was combined for Christmas and her birthday. I don't know if she even made up her birthday. I don't even know if I can trust this person, but she's been saying the right things to me.

I'm just going to play along nicely with this person. Maybe she's actually a 50 something year old merchant who is struggling financially right now. I'm not giving any more donations. The funny thing is that the person hasn't been asking me for any favors really and just constantly sending me messages about how I'm loved.

I guess if you give someone who feels neglected of attention something they want, they'll feel very grateful. Maybe her saying that she loves me so much is her way of saying thank you daily to me.

Trying To Keep Up To Date

Well, I need to get back into working out and dropping a few pounds. Now I'm going to work out to try to get bigger biceps as always and to get stronger there. I have many different options that I like for working out and I guess I will be utilizing them as a routine.

The hard part is trying to work my schedule around the new traffic jams that I'm getting. It takes a lot of my time away and have to make adjustments. A lot of this is hard and I'm trying my best to keep at it, so that's the best I can do for now.

Another great thing is that I'm starting to figure out the type of person I really want to be.

Not Having That Much Time

Boy I feel a little displaced and disappointed at myself because I didn't finish up the mark of 31 posts for last month. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it. I might as well just move on.

Getting Back In Line

I guess the minimum goal that I have in mind is again reading the Bible, working out, and trading. It's going to take some mental effort to make this thing a daily routine for me, so I will trying very hard to make it happen.

Getting Ready For Work

It looks like I still want to read the Bible, exercise, and trade daily. I'm coming home fairly late in the evening like just around dinner time. I don't really like I'm not able to spend that much time up before I get pretty tired because I have to up early in the morning. I'm starting to realize that I may not have time to goof off as much as I used to in the weekdays if I want to get in shape and be successful with where I want to be.

So Busy

Oh boy I'm so busy and I'm catching myself doing some things that I ought not to be doing. One thing that I'm seeing is that I'm eating and that I should be exercising. That's pretty bad and I need to get back into it. My folks are like out of the funk. They don't seem to care so much about not being able to work out and getting bigger underneath. I'm not a big fan of that. They seem to be oblivious to it.

I do notice the benefits of being leaner and stronger. I can move better with more energy and think more efficiently. I like it in a sense and it feels like it makes you built for success.

No Idea

When it comes to effort, it requires individual readiness. What that means is that the background of the person needs to be established, so the person can enjoy greater success out.

I really have no idea what I'm talking about. What I do know is that chasing after following God's wisdom and being in love with Jesus will seriously help out any fellow out.

Aw Man

Oh golly, I messed up by not posting the additional four posts yesterday. Man I must have been so busy. Okay, I'll try to make that up right now.