Winning Attitude

Well with Lee, who I'm just bringing up because this thought from the past is coming to resolve itself these days, I just have to thank the Lord for providing me with a wonderful opportunity to develop my problem solving skills as a programmer. I love my line of work.

Lee looks I mean crazy bad and it's not even serious on my end. It's all because she ended up failing to do something to me. She also went against God's principles while being mad so yeah, she had a bit trouble with self-control. It's crazy because whatever I said sometimes it would just set her off in the wrong direction. It didn't matter whether I was trying to be nice or defiant. I'm sure she hated me not listening to her and that's what made matters worse. She thought she had some God-given authority over me, and I thought that was a bunch of nonsense. Oh well, I forgive her for her dumb and unkind conduct with me. Besides, she didn't get that very far with whatever she was trying to accomplish with me. It also didn't turn out to be that serious. On top of that, it's a huge minus to everyone who supported Lee's cause. Like a domino effect, they all fall down.

Just because Lee sucked and was unreliable, I'm not mad about the incident anymore. I just hate to lose friends and was totally frustrated by the outcome that it was leading to with my relationships at that church. I'm more understanding about it now and wish to just be friends. I'm watching my back with these people though, that's for sure!

Getting Back Into Order

I've honestly learned to not really care that much with being selfish over the little things now. What I want though isn't that serious but it's not really ethically a bad thing, so I'll just say that I'm not easily so angered by it anymore. This is going to make it a lot easier for me in dealing with the people in my past who made up problems with me.

I get crazy over people deleting me as a Facebook friend. It just means to me that something isn't right by it and I see staying friends on that social media site as at least being on neutral terms with each other. If they accepted me once, but then later on they decide to delete me then I'm thinking I must have done something wrong to them and it makes me mad for that reason.

It's not really that serious though because after all I do want a relationship as a friend. I'm not really seeking so much after the guys anymore as I used to, but there a few still out there I really want to have some words with. Even if the person that I happen to have been acquainted with and want to be friends with doesn't want to be my friend, I get angry over that too. I mean what's the big deal of being just friends on a social media site if we're just acquaintances? It's not that serious to add, but if you don't want to then it must be you are having trouble dealing with something. It's not like I'm totally worried by it and hate you because of it. I like to be understanding, so it just means to me that the person is conflicted about something and having trouble managing those emotions.

I just want to be friends on a social media site even if it means not really being that close. Especially if we met once or twice in person and nothing bad came out of it. I guess I'm sensing they are being paranoid about something and they really shouldn't have to be so insecure about it. It's not really a big deal to just be friends and it just makes me mad that they have to make such a big deal about something to delete people as friends on Facebook.

Observance With Time

When I tell myself that I'm going to just dabble a little with playing video games, each time, it's turned out with me spending hours man! After that, it's like I'm so tired and sleepy to do anything else. I just knock out in my boxers or sometimes even in my work clothes. I don't remember how I got there when I wake up sometimes.

This is what I'm realizing now. It's like when I'm about to get carried away with something, it feels like I'm spending so little time but instead it ends up being a whole lot of time! This is what I'm trying to be more mindful of these days and I like it.

I'm fortunate to feel a lot of luxury with playing video games because it's definitely affordable. However, I want to aim for greater things and work hard at it. I guess I'm just trying to read my heavily stashed hard drive. I have so much topics on there like how to win at gambling (nearly impossible), grow taller ( also nearly impossible), getting the hottest girl of your dreams ( triple impossible almost), and make millions (actually it's doable). I'm just reviewing up on topics with how to make so much money and getting ideas to start my own gig. I would really like to make programming a living for me. I'm working as a coder now.

I'm also a pretty charitable guy but after being scammed by a person who continues to call me "Baby, I love you" with text messages. I'm not buying it, but I'm just being amicable. I'm just being much more cautious. I'm serious about my generosity. I would love to go to medical school to learn how to operate on people and do it for free! If it's a life or death situation and an emergency, it would be just out of charity. If the person is a well-known dangerous criminal then yeah, I think I'll try to operate so that the person stays alive but can't use a gun in the end!

Hmm..Quest Fulfilled?

I'm back to the recovery block again with abstaining from porno. I lasted about a week. I guess it didn't take that long for me. What killed me was my desire to do some edging and I managed to last 25 minutes. Nothing to really boast about. I know how to control it now and there's a technique that I am able to logically put to use. I can also release when called on command. Heck, I have the ability to be a male porn star now from practicing but don't want it. Again, with this ability and being slightly above average, it's nothing to really brag about, but yeah, I beat my quest of getting this task out of the way.

I don't have to be a premature bomber now if I ever get married. I know how to control it, but yeah, again it's nothing to flaunt my way about. Okay, because of that and that actually I was able to control it while feeling at ease and conscious with everything- just because I think it's immoral based on my own beliefs, I feel really dirty.

I even prayed to God to get this answer man! Okay, I have it now so time to move on and not come back to it. It's like packing my goods up and keeping it in a storage unit for later use. I don't think I'll need to dust it off very much. With this whole being turned on thing now with hot girls, I'm actually quite used to it and see it as normal! There's only one drawback though; a girl doesn't stay that hot for long unless I'm really into her. It looks like falling in love might seriously come into play for me. It's besides just going for physical and chemically induced intimacy with a partner.

Watching that "Survey says" game Family Feud, it said that women don't really care for their lover to be concerned about sex. This basically means then that hanging out and laughing while having fun being together like expressing love and cooking for her or even putting on some dance moves to entertain her is what they value more. Basically, sex is not on the top of the list for a typical woman.

This gets me thinking that this one friend I'm getting these interesting feelings for is not really into sex. She's probably thinking it's more for raising a family then something pleasurable. She's fun and super cool to hang out with, so I guess a relationship growing from that doesn't seem too bad after all.

Interesting Prayer and Application

I feel like I'm ripping myself off from masturbating to porn for the sake of edging. I think it would be better to have a hot wife who wanted sexual activity a lot first. Maybe some would think she's a curse, but I think it make the marriage a lot more healthier and creative with the different ways of expressing love making. I've had to learn something hard while swallowing my pride though. It's really having an open mind to different possibilities while accepting myself through laughing about being so short compared to the guys that I believe most hot ladies would want to marry for their physical attributes.

I'm also laughing now about myself being led to the possible predicament of a wedding ceremony. I think my best man might be another short guy too! Maybe I could let my presiding pastor be an over-towering minister who is still single to wed us just for fun. I don't know, but I'll just make the most of it while laughing about feeling some shortcomings. It feels a lot more assuring from having laughs like that and it also helps you stay happy and healthy emotionally. Maybe this is one of the many possible applications for why some interesting and hot girls like to laugh and are attracted to funny guys. It's also obvious to me that they want a guy they are attracted with to also show they are genuinely interested in them and later down the road, if she ends up falling for him to tie the knot.

I guess instead of living the average guy's routine with high ego issues and big appetite for sex, it would be better to go after a first-rate Christian life. It probably doesn't make sense to some people, but for me I see the long term benefits with it. It just feels a whole lot better and relief to be able to do so. The mind is able to stay calm when a crisis comes around and to genuinely be a helpful person to someone who desperately needs it. It's just from out of love, but there are also those devils out there who might be concealing their interests and depressed. From knowing who the person is, I guess it comes down to consulting with the Word of God for proper application in that situation.

I'm a born leader and it's all thanks to my Napoleon complex! I am the initiator and the one who encourages the pack of other deserving leaders. While I try to reason with the Lord, I'm now very comfortable about my sexuality. It's full-on straight! If the first-rate life isn't what I'm getting, then I might as well just suffer and go for living as intended and how it could have been even if I don't have it. I'll be a sad monkey but it can't be that bad because I have the Word of God to consult and lots of praying I could do to complain to the Lord. It's basically living in the truth and trying to deceive oneself about it is a sin and ripping yourself off. It's just not worth it to me anymore.

With my work and play application, I'm going to try a new model which is finding pleasure in my work. That will be my reward then, from just working at something I'm interested in doing. At the same time, take breaks by meeting up with people and doing other stuff and not fretting if they are unable to meet my requests.

Since I take on enjoying video games, playing MTG a lot, and watching cool shows, I might as well just take on a form of hard work that's an attempt to earn money so I'll also be able to balance out that love I have for it. I'm going to try this model which is finding pleasure through working hard to gain money for it. I'll be looking for some paid gigs later down the road with my knack for playing the piano.

Regrets From Yesterday

Well, I'm happy that I got off of work early yesterday. That's something I definitely don't regret. What else do I not regret? No, I'm just kidding. I regretted watching television with my parents and it felt like a long time after awhile.

I then ended up playing MTG with my spiced up deck. The only changes I made it to is that I diced it up a lot, so that means I actually significantly made changes to it. Normally, one would expect something from reading and then some detail just hits you which is actually annoying to some or could be quite funny because of the lack of seriousness. Imagine doing this with something a lot more serious. Actually, from my experiences, I've never had anything too serious to deal with so I wouldn't be able to know. Yeah, I think they would think I'm a jerk if I acted out in that manner.

Funny now though because I fed my foes more insecurities from responding in that manner to them. They incorrigibly labeled it as their own ammunition. These are my presumptions that I am putting out. The only proof I have is that they just kept on yelling away at me, so that's my explanation after trying to put everything together.

Okay, so the only regret was mainly watching too much TV and my parents were there. Man, it was boring and I just felt that burn of just watching TV so I just got up and left them. I have better things to do fortunately, which isn't depressing.

I seriously need to find a way to manage my personal time better and to be more efficient at it. Yeah, that's what I personally need these days. I'm still thinking about how I could skim through reading the Bible verse by verse with Dr. McGee's commentary of the whole Bible which is a blessing to the Christian community! I just love how he approaches popular topics and it's just made so relevant today even though he's super old and dead right now. He would be 114 years old, if he was still alive which is remarkable. He wouldn't be that old, I think if he was still around.

E-mail Corrections

I recently stated on here that I was going for deleting 30,000 e-mails. Well, from an old e-mail I wrote back a little awhile ago, I said that I was looking through 50,000! Man, that's a lot and now I'm down to about 2,000. That's a lot better than it was before considering that I was going for deleting 1,000 a day and it took me almost three to four months to get to where I am now.

For deleting those e-mails, I went through the subjects individually and marked the ones I wanted to keep. Some of those past e-mails were so compelling or even so irritating that I just read it again and recalled some of the past. It's like a blast from the past and I'm glad that I did it because I got a kick out of my old responses. I realized that I was a really shy kid who lacked money and confidence. There was definitely quite a bit of interacting with ladies, including my dorky little sister who was afraid of showing me up! My Napoleon complex was heavily upon my sister and I felt indirectly guilty about everything with everyone because of it. It felt like I was a Hulk in my body and with the hormones I deceptively felt I was stronger than everybody else. Well, being in the early 20s, it doesn't seem too far off because that probably is everybody's strongest years.

I regret not studying and trying my best those years. I know I could have been a "good" one. I even had opportunities with a few girls. I guess what turned me off was that they weren't many Korean girls I was fond of. I even had taller Korean girls add me as a friend and interested in me with their sweet behaviors, but I was like no man too tall for my ego! I'm only 5' 3" and Korean girls are among the tallest Asian females in the world. Not that long after, I met a Vietnamese girl where their average is shorter than my height; she was definitely a cutie and had a sexy flair with her attitude and she even came onto me. I was like nah and she settled for a tall Vietnamese guy; he looks pretty adorable for a guy to be honest now that I think about it from a girl's perspective.

I've been around and acting stupid with masturbating to porn for trying to kill a short order to my perceived hot sex with my own spouse in the future. Have I made some progress? Well yeah, but it's totally contradictory to what I personally believe in. It's like falling in love with a dangerous drug. It's pleasurable, but at the same time ripping something out of my own innocence. The recovery time is fast though, which is a relief. Just a few weeks and the bodily systems is like going crazy for the love of my life, if only she was really there.

I was like interested in looking at Chinese porn because of the censors! I know I won't find any from North Korea though. I was venturing into it and it's like watching a decently-acted soap opera with a lot of female nudity but no explicit penetration. Some of those actresses have really attractive bodies. However, those actresses are probably not the same looking anymore and older and how could I even sleep with them all? It's just leading myself into a path of depression if I dwell on the truth, so why should I continue to do voyeurism? It's fun momentarily, but then just turns into a cooler contradiction.

I guess it's one of my vices for me and whatever loose interpretations or beliefs those performers are hanging onto, may God bless their souls with them having a transformed heart for the things of the Lord!

Going For Profitting

I have targeted my three areas of interest now. It's going to be a lot of hard work and I will tire out easily, but I think from taking breaks and being patient about it while not giving up, it will pay off in the end. Plus, I enjoy doing it so I think that's what is the most important.

So here's my Top 3 for earning a living now.

1. Programming : I went to school to train myself to be a coder. Regardless of how much I felt bad about bombing midterms and procrastinated daily, the time I put into it by sitting at my computer while being an introvert and thinking about how to solve some programming problems, getting all of those programming things to work was so cool! I didn't think I could use what I learned to conveniently translate it into a living. I was also burnt out at the time and didn't want to have anything to do with it for awhile. Now I'm back into it and love the challenge. It doesn't really bother me so much anymore.

2. Trading: I have targeted Forex for now, but it won't be limited to other possible markets out there in the future. I have all the right information to practice and for spending like over $10,000 to try to get a business going, well I did have a decent run. Okay it's not too bad in the end. I just opted for trying to get free information after being gullible to some marketing schemes. I'm fortunate though that I got refunded a few times and this one trader was just good at marketing his products but it now seems like he knows squat! I know the direction I want to take with Forex now after trying to test everything and continuously learning that 99% of the products out there don't work. With the convenience sample of looking for information, I think I personally landed gold which is just reading candlesticks with pivot points and drawing trend lines to spot some trades.

3.  Internet marketing: well, there are sneaky and also legitimate ways to game the Internet for money. It's really all about making money and by setting up a site while generating traffic to it and posting ads on there to an audience while providing service, it's pretty much all there is to it with that being an idea. Basically monetizing with cool ideas that attract a crowd and from doing some research on it, it really doesn't hurt actually.  I'm primarily a programmer, so I think the products that I will end up trying to sell will just be my own original software that appeals to people. I might even research and compile some edited videos as well in some popular fields of interest. It sounds fun and try to make some income off of it. I guess there are plenty of ideas out there to search for like in forums.

A lot of ways for earning cash will be basically diversified and a total time consumer. The fact that I can't really download every single information into my brain. I'm just going to have to be pragmatic about it as possible and spend time organizing my ideas and putting it to use. This also means that I'm going to have to lay off of my Dragon's Crown days. I also want to work out and play the guitar and piano while becoming a decent chef with healthy and delicious dishes. I would also like to maintain my looks as well too. There's so many things for me to do, while also hanging out with cool friends. I guess it's easy to be under appreciated by some friends sometimes; people are selfish in general and they can be still hurting on the inside sometimes.

Staging A Comeback

In my imagination, I'm just being a jerk yelling at people who don't want to be my Facebook friend. Trying to understand them has been a hassle and it's been annoying to them with me asking them blameworthy questions. They're just feeling some hormones that want to make them complain and run away from the situation. I know what they're feeling because I can relate to them.

It's not that serious and they were just afraid of me taking it too seriously to the point that they would end up getting killed by me. It's pretty much straight forward, and if I want them to still be my friend, it's important for me to open up to them and let them know that I can relate and totally fine with it.

With Lee, she just felt that I could do better but was so annoyed by how I was responding to her. She took information from a source she thought was reliable, but in the end became a bit paranoid about it with me. She entrusted the wrong people at that moment because she was in a vulnerable state of mind with being angry about how some people weren't living up to her standards. Don't get me wrong, she's just as bad too in living up to other's expectations. It's too much and stressful and she was trying to lay all of that on me while thinking I could handle it.

I know I can handle it and it's just that her source of information was unreliable at that moment. She became paranoid and couldn't drop the thought out of her head. In terms of technicality, Lee was basically being a crazy person, but I enjoy putting a person at peace with me. She's definitely going to have a hard time with me, if I end up trying to talk to her and stuff. She's going to feel uneasy and uncomfortable and try to get people to stop me. In the end though, she couldn't get much accomplished and because of that she already looks bad. With me being able to know that and tell people the same thing about how she failed, Lee isn't going to be keeping anybody by her side a little quicker in time. In the end, I get what I want which is just helping her to be a good friend with me.

This sounds all good and dandy now that I've recovered fully and am very confident and aware of my social and emotionally subjective capabilities; however, Lee might not be at that location I want her to be at anymore. There really isn't anything I can do about it, except just learn from this past situation which was so bothersome to me. I have a morally upright standard that I can't refuse. I made an oath to God and it's something I must keep. It's keeping me naturally away from Lee and the people she involved. Hopefully, I'll fulfill the oath ASAP now. People praying against me in God's name don't really worry me anymore. If you shine in God's light, who can really stand against you? No one.

  

Encouraging Truth

My e-mail inbox has been cluttered with useless e-mails. From the past 15 years that I've had the account, it's accumulated more than 30,000 e-mails. I ended up cleaning out my inbox by willing myself to delete 1000 e-mails a day that I didn't need anymore. After about two months, I'm now down to 5000.

Breaking a task into something manageable proves it to be very convenient in the end and rewarding as well. It's like simplifying a goal continuously and making effort to do a job well done. Only by laboring consistently, you then end up seeing the goal that isn't too far away from obtaining. The prize is obtaining the goal which is precisely the reason why I play video games to beat it. It feels great definitely.

Now that I'm working at developing a personal time management system, it really does come down to making a comfortable living in the end and that makes sense to turn it in a priority while associating with cool people to have fun with.

For my personal goals, I really do want a high-level athletic body and to maintain it. For earning a living, I'd like it to be fun and who really doesn't. It's just that all of those good things require a lot of time and hard work. I think it's well worth it to me.

Finding a love to marry is like working out through another maze for me. It's been quite a journey and to actually have a friend that I'm finding myself having a liking for, it's really cool actually. She doesn't have to be the best looking for me. I don't really care about her appearances or how she sounds. She's been looking quite attractive to me lately though and think it's fun to hang out with her. It doesn't matter if others tag along with us; I don't really mind. I just like how we look together around people.

Withdrawal Symptoms

What I'm noticing now is that spending time on something, time just flies by really fast. It's really going to take a vision or foresight to overshadow my activities and manage time properly.

While craving for sexual activity last night, I managed to walk away from not looking at porn which has been my go to. This is just the first day again. Life is hard so might as well accept it. There's no need to place personal expectations on friends for something that would be displeasing if they didn't.

I have read somewhere that during the first three days, the withdrawal symptoms for wanting to look at porn will be at its highest. I have passed those days with flying colors so many times. It's like I'm wearing a chip on my shoulder all because I'm afraid of premature ejaculation. I don't even have a wife to worry about right now and was just thinking that I could plan light years ahead or something like that.

It seems really stupid for me to do that because I figure love factors in a lot too and that it has to do with more than just having sexual fulfillment.

Goals 101 to Goals 9999

I'm skipping to graduating with my class of finishing goals right away. I'm taking the class Goals 9999 now instead of Goals 101. I've been failing Goals 101 and like a person whose so full of it that I am, I'm boosting myself up to infinite levels of peril.

I have goals with my video games. I feel so sheepish. I can push those aside and do something else. Like yesterday, I got out and did some bowling. I also played my piano for about an hour and I was rocking with a metronome. It's one of those self-winding devices that sound to indicate a basic quarter note for keeping time. It's fun really to stay in tempo while trying to read and play a difficult music sheet.

I then ended the night while playing my character HitMan01 on my PSP Vita. He's rocking and dealing like 5 K damage max per hit to enemies that surround him. He shouts Rawrrr each time I push the square button simultaneously. He then charges the air after jumping up to three times in a row. It's so funny to do that with a full house of online players in the same stage with me. I'm playing Dragon's Crown and I have no vendetta about my dumb foes in real life joining me to play with me. We can conquer enemies in the online world together! In the real world, you (the dumb foes) need time to recover with your lack of knowledge to get along with people!

Yeah, I ended up doing the nasty with myself. It took about 10 minutes. I was trying to outlast it and break my record. It's a lot easier and I think would be looser grip in the real world instead of that tight feeling that comes from dating Jill. It feels like I'm neutering myself, so yeah I should stop. I should just give up with that nonsense and be like hey baby to my wife if I ever get married, we're making a baby really quick if that night ever gets to me. Just screw it man, love comes with a cost anyway and I'm a sinner who will be expensive to marry for a reluctant, ugly woman! She needs to be hot!

Secretly though (no secret just honest), I just want to fall in love and if she stays chubby after pregnancy then yeah, she's my girl I'm taking care of and with that frustration, I'll go take it out on my dumb foes to practice and tire out my Napoleon complex. My girl won't have to exercise, but she has to eat right and take some daily walks with me; she'll also get encouragement to run with me even though she doesn't have to exercise daily, but still she'll be getting so much words of encouragement from me then and I'll even cook delicious and healthy food that she likes if she goes out with me to do those activities.

Man I Want Some

Man I want to get some pretty bad sometimes. I have to wait though because of my personal belief and trust with God. I need to wait to get married before I have sex! Not to just any woman, I actually want her to look hot! It would be bomb if she was nice too. Okay, finding a girl like that is going to be hard for me because I'm trying to look for someone much older than high school. Okay, maybe out of college and maybe few years with a career too.

If she's not working out anymore or implying that she's with some bad diet then umm, yeah if she's looking hot there, then umm tough choice for me I guess.

Ultimately though, I'm trying to fall in love with a hot girl who happens to be nice. I don't care about the appearance really. No really, I don't. I look at hot girls and go like ehh so why still? It's because it gets easier if she's hot so why not make it easier on myself.

Time Management Setting

Well it turns out that article I read in under five minutes for time management just may have been a blessing. Listing out the stuff I'm writing down with doing, for my rewards part I'm just putting down a 'little random fun', so there you have it for my list of tasks.

Every little different thing I'm willing myself to do because I don't feel like it, I'm rewarding myself with a little random fun before moving on to the next thing. In the mean time, I'm making some progress with my messaging of ladies. Man, I'm like turning into a player! That's just how I feel, but I just mentioned to them that I want to just be friends because they were crazy with me, but I'm cool like that and like making crazy people turn cool with me. It feels so good for me, so that's why I'm doing it. Especially making a crazy girl turn into a solid friend with you, hmm, maybe she'll end up giving up her life for me or something. A cool prospect like that would definitely be something.

I understand that with our annoyances with one another, it's better to put it aside and work at a relationship. Those former crazy girls would technically be in a relationship with me as good friends because they are straight. From having played an evil dating sim game online, it goes from acquaintance to good friends and then girlfriend or sex buddy. The grand finale of that game is the main character enjoying sex in the form of animated porn. Boy, this can get creative.  

Time Management Issues

I was mostly tired throughout the day and just ended up taking multiple naps to recover. Now I'm six hours in and don't feel satisfied with my day.

I ended up watching some golf, eating food, playing a little bit of MTG, sleeping some more, and watching porn for like 10 minutes after being bored with masturbating. I was interested in seeing if watching porn would make masturbating go by quicker and it did. Trying to go for seconds proved to be very boring and felt like would take quite awhile so I quit.

Yeah, it's wrong for me to do that and goes against my morals. I believe that I'm a hypocrite for believing that what I'm doing is wrong but helplessly giving into this guy's activity. Hey, people have sexual needs, but I need to get married to a hot and equally believing woman who loves sex to appease my spiritual desires and beliefs in God.

I have problems right now which is that my savings isn't enough. I need to come up with $200,000 to reach my goal. My money situation isn't that great. It could be better. If I decide to go for a humble lifestyle and not so much of this world, then yeah, I have enough, but it won't be easy. I'm not for that.

Writing about my activities, I feel shameful and could do better. Instead of doing what I've been doing, it's fun to me. I think I'll just turn those into rewarding activities and give myself bits and pieces of it without indulging too much. I think that's what my problem is. I'm spending way too much on my own rewarding and playful stages.

To have a more balanced lifestyle, I need to do other stuff as well. I think that's where I'm looking to go for.

Things To Do

I've read up on an article regarding time management and procrastination. I just did it really fast. One of the things that screwed me up is that I decided to wake up at around 12 pm after sleeping at almost 5 AM. Now I'm almost 6 hours in already without having done what would satisfy me.

This is turning out to be problematic for me and believe it will affect my relationships with spending time with people and trying to find a girl to fall in love with. There are basically three steps to overcome my barrier.

The first step is to write out and break it down into smaller steps. The second step is to schedule time to meet those steps. The third step is to reward yourself.

It's really a simple concept but difficult to follow through with. I know that logically speaking most should love rewarding themselves. It's stupid but actually works for managing time. I'm actually a pretty decent guy for my old age and have relationships with girls. Well, I'm just their good and cool friend, which is nice.

Hey, I can live with that. I'm pretty bad at holding on to my word right now and would like to get better at it, so I think those three things will help me out. 

Understanding Boundaries

I've recently been understanding my relationships with girls lately. They really are actual and genuine relationships that I'm having with a bunch of them. It's just that there's no sexual stuff involved. There's a little bit of flirting and small hints of romance going on, but it's just normal really. It's just that you have to be understanding with it and comfortable about it. 

A straight guy's good friendship with a great girl who is also straight is technically a relationship already in itself. It builds upon itself naturally. From just having this good friend status, I guess it just means that either side is unhappy, if one of the two wants something more. 

 The great advice I got from one of  my "girl" friends is to just have an open mind for candidates and not just focus on one person. It's something that will just happen unexpectedly. She's happy to have enough in her life already and with her boyfriend, they seem to be on a break right now. I asked her out and she accepted, but it's only because I see her personality as being someone who likes to spend quality time with an individual. It's great to be friends with her. 

Making Some Plans

Well, if someone comes across this idea that I'm throwing out there, I'm sure it's someone else has but no one has got to it yet. Maybe, I'll be the one to go do it, but I'll mention that I have. I would really like to do a virtual reality game with high quality graphics and design something like guitar hero to go with it. It would just be cool to play in your favorite band and to be able to visualize a crowd that is yelling and it would fun to see flying notes and to try to them accurately. It would amazing really and I would love to.

I also want to design a practical app for storing my stuff and recalling them from a website and using my phone as an app to keep track of all the stuff I have in possession. It would most definitely be awesome, so I think I'll be going after doing that.

I think prayer is really helping me a lot to prep up for where I need to be headed, but with my mind about to crash like it is again, I think I'm going through my peak hours. Hey I'm just throwing out there that I think my gaming hours were probably from me trying to distract myself from watching pornography. I have to admit that I like to peak at female nudity in the form of mainstream movie actresses. They look great and I wish I had a wife like that to make some great love to. Oh well, it's just fantasizing and even though I've got better over the years with handling on meeting pretty friends and letting go of falling in love with them, I'm doing a whole lot better.

One thing I've noticed is that porn stars really take a lot and I mean so much. It's like for a few years they are on the rise and then after awhile, their popularity starts to decline. It's how the human mind works and this one TED talk revealed how men have this mindset of how the hormones will lower itself with familiarity and then rise again to another high after coming across a new, attractive stimulus.

I've been fortunate to not pay with my credit card to look at porn or buy any adult material. That's why I tried to binge on free porn for awhile and enjoy it like it's a luxury. Well, that stage has passed and I'm trying to use it as a substitute occasionally to subdue my desires to have sex. Overall, who am I really to complain but I think it's morally wrong for me. I must be having trouble controlling my own urges, but then again I do have a Napoleon complex and I just keep forgetting I have one.

Past Assessment

From me being on the receiving end and forcing my way back to the top, I'm inclined to call my foes a bunch of idiots but let's not do that. I won't call those people idiots like I'm doing right now by writing this sentence. I will call them something else. They can be idiots. See? How my use of language played out. It's that they can be a bunch of idiots and do crazy and wild stuff because they have an unhealthy mind to go with it at that moment in time.

Speaking of which, yeah I don't think it was really a healthy period for both of us. It was me against 20 people I think. I was rage against the machine man, a force of nature to reckon with, a man with a Napoleon complex, going up against a weak collaboration of 20 people. They weren't Illuminati. They were just a bunch of complainers! From whining about what I was doing, they said they knew best and were trying to discipline me. Me from just wanting to have friends, I was like okay I'll go with it while in the back of my mind, I was feeling like I was letting myself get ran over by them.

It was like a train wreck situation. It didn't turn out good because they were too volatile with their feelings. Well they stayed in perspective, with a high-pitched yelling voice. It really made me furious that I ended up going crazy with them and landed with a restraining order from Lee. I didn't get arrested after talking to her a little awhile ago. Yeah, Lee lost even though I went crazy with the small squad of 20 people. It was me against 20 people after all, and I prevailed. I'm worth more than 20 weak people after all. I should start my own company of weak individuals trying to earn a living. I'll be their leader!

Time To Catch Up

I guess my life is a lot more interesting than it seems. I have so much going for me and can't really meet up to those expectations. It's like I have to jam pack a lot of things together all at once to make it happen for me. One of the biggest misconceptions I give myself is that I don't have anything to do. It's really to the contrary. I actually do just that I'm too tired at that moment or unmotivated from just being emotionally down to factor myself into thinking about doing something.

A lot of those situations sucked because I would constantly think about how I could make something better and progress and have to usually settle for the best I could do at the moment. It would disappoint me and feed my psyche in not a very good way. I'm really grateful for some tough ladies I associated with. Yeah, they are cool and maybe sometimes appear hot but from me not being able to communicate so much with them from not knowing what to say, I guess that was really my practice all this time I had with girls.

Gameholics Anonymous

I googled for Gameholics Anonymous and it came up with Gameholicsanonymous.org. There are no pills needed to join the membership. Heck, there are even no meetings to go to!

Basically, all you have to do is just manage to do other stuff with your time and that's it. It's great fun to play video games, but overly obsessed about playing Dragon's Crown right now where my character called HitMan01 is the best palladin / warrior class ever for his not so high level and when he feasts on a defense potion, he can just unequip the sword and start punching the heck out of the stage boss!

I guess I became creative with Dragon's Crown because I fell in love with playing this game maybe? It's like I felt this sense of euphoria in contrast to feeling slightly unsettled with a girl who I just started to get to know better and hang out with. It's not really me being nervous but I guess it's just spending some time together when we're just hanging out and just being hit with a happy and exciting feeling. Makes me feel a little jumpy. I don't know really. I'm not really trying to force it or anything. The fact that she's really cool is great for me!

I guess that feeling is something I've learned to contain and hide inside of me. It's because of my Napoleon complex where I don't have to struggle that much because it's like I naturally just want to put up a strong effort like I do with being a gameholic.

Addiction to New Heights

I binged on playing a video game and I have now logged almost 40 hours of play with it. In this RPG, my character is starting to hit pretty hard and I'm just about ready to wrap up playing the game. It's interesting because I logged the same time in possibly a week! Man, that's a lot of time lost.

I feel pretty rubbish right now about having done that. I just played until like 5:30 am when I picked it up at midnight on an early Saturday. I just wasted my time like that and don't feel that proud. I mean my mind is alert and active right now.

I'm addicted to playing games. I'm a gameaholic. I admit it. I know. I ?  # 1 !!!!!

Going Through Old Photos

Looking at my old photos I could took with a really nice SLR camera, I feel so awkward having taken them. I guess my mentality was just trying to practice and hopefully land on some good shots. A lot of my photos were awkward basically because I took them while people were dining. It's pretty much a hit or miss deal with the photos. A lot of them bombed and I feel a little uncomfortable about looking at my photos I have remaining.

I guess as much as I can stomach then without ending up wanting to cuss in private while upset about the photos I landed with. The good thing is that I deleted those horrible photos. Now, for one of my good friends who I'm considering on dating, she actually looked really plain to me back then. I can tell from looking at her photos. It looked like she was maybe trying to go Amish with her style and stay confined to being a single lady for the rest of her life. It looked like in a way she was joking with herself that she's a nanny because she was taking care of her busy sister's son. She even told me that it's a lot of work taking care of kids.

Right now, she has her hair done right and looks a lot more feminine. Her attractive figure really stands out to me. I don't know if it's enhanced by me growing feelings for her or what, but overall, it's an interesting feeling to me. She's really cool and a sweet person, overall. I enjoy hanging out with her and it seems like people can jump into thinking we're a cute couple sometimes.

Making Decisions

I think I'm about trying to make healthier decisions right now. I've been blessed with an attractive, bright, and young woman who loves to ask me to go hiking with her small group of friends. I enjoy it and it's cool because she can also set a much faster pace than my boring parents could. I have been forced to go hiking and I did enjoy the scenery and also making it all the way to the top. It just got really boring not having a conversational friend to do it with. Hey, it's cool that she felt the same way when she hiked a long trail all by herself and wants to get as much friends to join in as possible.

With one of my oldest buddies, he's turning out to still have quite a juvenile mind. His mind doesn't really click with the big picture sometimes and he likes to wander off with his own concerns and make decisions to avoid confrontations with crazy people. He just doesn't like to feel all of that possible attention it could bring to him and has an aversion to it. He basically fears for his life, if there's any possibility in his mind and won't give in to something that's a highly unusual practice and requires too much effort.

Right now, he says he wants to be a champion of Magic: the Gathering, which is the trading card game I introduced to him. I don't think he has the make up to be a champion and over the course of all these years, I'm now fed up with him. I guess if he won and didn't make me feel irritated about it, I would be cool, but he tries to act so cool about it which gets bothersome to me. He doesn't really win consistently and he has said several times that his deck is the best only to prove himself wrong. It's like he's on a mission to prove something and doesn't care how he's coming across with me during our recreational matches. For example, he will say that I got lucky if I win and I've made some bad decisions. He likes to justify how he won all by skill and that it was like his destiny, which has got annoying. He's gone a little too obsessive to me with this game, so I'm going to have to bow out. He has a sense of self-worth or something that makes him convinced that he's the best at it or something. He has weaknesses though and isn't the smartest at comprehending himself while lacking that essential self-awareness with his own emotions. He's like an undisciplined student at times while being in his 30s. His mentality is like he's in high school but he's taking the road of someone who is a bit paranoid about stuff crashing on him, which he can't handle. Overall, I think it's the best decision to never play another game of MTG with him for recreational purposes. As competitors in the real professional circuit, if it happens may the best player win that match; no matter how bad he tries to rub it in me if I do end up losing. I'm not going to care, so if he loses it might feed upon his own inferiority complex.


 

Back To Planning

Okay, I've been just playing this RPG called Dragon's Crown on my PSP Vita. It's something I was able to download from subscribing with PlayStation Plus. It costs $60.00 for a whole year and gives you some games to play unlimited. From all the free games I downloaded last year, it carries over. I have about 10 games downloaded onto my memory card which is not a bad deal considering all of that is pretty much rental. My membership expired and from reactivating it, I was able to resume playing all the past games I downloaded. The only thing is that you don't get to choose, so that's the trade off. The games aren't that bad for not being the most sought after.

That being said, it's a lot of fun to play but I think I need to limit my time on it and focus on other important things before rewarding myself with that activity. I've been having this play first and work later mentality with my personal time. I think I need to instill some discipline on myself, even though it really isn't required with what I have going on now.

My economic situation isn't that bad I guess in the end considering how I made plenty of losing decisions. The fact that I learned from them and still have a sour taste of my past gets me thinking that I need to look past all of it.

Overshadowing People

It's funny because of Chris (Sucks-a-lot). Okay, I'm tuning it down now and just referring to him as just Chris. He was jealous and accusing me of overshadowing people. What a stupid monkey, but okay where to go from there? I have a Napoleon complex, and I think it leaked out a little with those people that Chris was mentioning to me about. I was trying to hold it back, so by doing that, I think it just got too annoying for everybody.

Well, Chris was trying to help me like a numbskull and couldn't handle his anger issues with me at the time. I was trying to hold all of that back and be nice with him. He didn't budge so in this situation, it's like people would say in the back of their heads for him to go screw himself and not bother with him anymore. I didn't take that route. I took the angry route that scared the heebie-jeebies out of them. I forgot that I had a Napoleon complex this whole time because I was down.

Well that was that and now that I know that I have a Napoleon complex, I'm not afraid of using it to abuse my hallucinatory level of power with Chris. I don't have to be mad at Chris nor even that Lee character I wrote about last post.

Reconciling Note With (Stupid) Lee

***(Stupid) Lee, okay Lee did something that was stupid with me and it makes her look super bad by the way I'm responding to it. It's not that serious on my end, but is a massive image killer for Lee. I wrote this note to her using a popular pseudonym on Facebook. I won't mention what name I put, but you'll find 1000s if not 100s. The note is serious with me choosing to forgive her. I think I'll hold back on the name calling with Lee. She can't stay stupid forever, even if she wants to with me. ***

Yo Lee, this is [name withheld]. I'm taking steps to reconcile with you before showing in person. I have a silly oath to fulfill with God first. Maybe you are or will be gone (moved on) from Hope of God LA by then. How does it feel to have lost the restraining order court case? You couldn't get it extended and I didn't put up a fight with my lawyer at the hearing. I ended up winning in the end. I put up with your dumb mess for three months rounded and then turned into longer than 3 years for not caring about you not being able to let it go.

If you didn't care then you wouldn't have to make such a hissy fit about it. It doesn't matter what a person does or says when it comes to ministry. No matter how much you wanted to help and things didn't go your way with me, we serve the Lord. People will say bad stuff already and that's normal. We're supposed to keep on going! You missed the mark with me, so I'm in position to forgive you because I have come to realize your minor trespass with me. It's not that serious Lee. I have a well-regarded Napoleon complex from being almost 5 feet, well I'm 3 inches away haha. You must be about 4 to 4.5 to 5 inches away, not sure. With high heels, it doesn't count! I don't have to be mad at anything with it. I didn't use it on you because I was down but I won't have any more problems displaying it with some finesse lol.

How are you relationship wise? Are you dating or married to some King Joe? lol  Yeah, it sounds awkward that a woman like yourself went berserk with me and you want to find an unconscious excuse to stick to it. Freudian sound a bell, masters of Miss Psych major? You made it sound useless, but whatever. I don't care. I have a well-rounded education mind you from being a programmer. I have to be a facilitator of sorts delivering information technology to the user, so I have my fair share of reading up on topics and recalling psychology. I can't be termed a psycho for just messaging you. If you went there, then you are having trouble letting things go still like Oyuri did. She's been had by me. lol. I won without using my Napoleon complex lol, but now I will try it on you at full speed. I realize it gave me good results in the past, and heck, I don't even have to see you as something or someone to be mad at.   

VR Programming

I now have done enough research and am confident about the VR machine I'm looking to build. It's going to roughly cost me almost $6,000. The reason behind all of this is because I also want to be a developer and render high quality 3-D images. On top of all this development, I also want a machine that can reasonable sustain high performance with all of those beautiful games on the side.

I guess if I spoil myself too much and end up wasting time on it more than developing, then I would be wasting my money for a system I could have settled for much cheaper. Yet, since I have some professional experience these days as a programmer. I think it settles it then that I really like it and should get into this creative activity for myself.

Ready To Start Programming

I'm still trying to get better with my trading skills on Forex. I'm tapping into it. It's taking awhile but it's not a big deal because I haven't really put my hard earned money into it yet. I made the mistake of jumping into it while thinking that some people would be better than me and that they would earn a living for me. It doesn't make sense in the end.

It's just better to manage your own money and work at it. Most see it as gambling and scary because all of that money can be lost. It might be just very baffling considering how there are stories that people lost it all in the stock market. It's also have some stigmatizing details like greedy investors for some people out there.

I have come to personally appreciate it and think it really suits what I'm looking for in life. 

Happy 4th Everyone!

I guess some minor changes. I do have some cool photos I took on my camera and now I'm pretty much out of space with my card. I'm going to have to unload some of them and stick them into a server or something. I think I'll try out google's free service first and save it all on my usb hard drive as well.

I guess if I become really enthusiastic with my photos then I'm going to turn it into one of my hobbies then. It's just going to be all for fun. I might as well even go for investing in a water proof GoPro also then.

Amazon prime does have this amazing subscription of free books to read off of for getting hints on how to be a better photographer. It's pretty much a convenient location to read up on some Internet books. It won't be that great and be time consuming obviously, but it beats being in the dark.