I recently stated on here that I was going for deleting 30,000 e-mails. Well, from an old e-mail I wrote back a little awhile ago, I said that I was looking through 50,000! Man, that's a lot and now I'm down to about 2,000. That's a lot better than it was before considering that I was going for deleting 1,000 a day and it took me almost three to four months to get to where I am now.
For deleting those e-mails, I went through the subjects individually and marked the ones I wanted to keep. Some of those past e-mails were so compelling or even so irritating that I just read it again and recalled some of the past. It's like a blast from the past and I'm glad that I did it because I got a kick out of my old responses. I realized that I was a really shy kid who lacked money and confidence. There was definitely quite a bit of interacting with ladies, including my dorky little sister who was afraid of showing me up! My Napoleon complex was heavily upon my sister and I felt indirectly guilty about everything with everyone because of it. It felt like I was a Hulk in my body and with the hormones I deceptively felt I was stronger than everybody else. Well, being in the early 20s, it doesn't seem too far off because that probably is everybody's strongest years.
I regret not studying and trying my best those years. I know I could have been a "good" one. I even had opportunities with a few girls. I guess what turned me off was that they weren't many Korean girls I was fond of. I even had taller Korean girls add me as a friend and interested in me with their sweet behaviors, but I was like no man too tall for my ego! I'm only 5' 3" and Korean girls are among the tallest Asian females in the world. Not that long after, I met a Vietnamese girl where their average is shorter than my height; she was definitely a cutie and had a sexy flair with her attitude and she even came onto me. I was like nah and she settled for a tall Vietnamese guy; he looks pretty adorable for a guy to be honest now that I think about it from a girl's perspective.
I've been around and acting stupid with masturbating to porn for trying to kill a short order to my perceived hot sex with my own spouse in the future. Have I made some progress? Well yeah, but it's totally contradictory to what I personally believe in. It's like falling in love with a dangerous drug. It's pleasurable, but at the same time ripping something out of my own innocence. The recovery time is fast though, which is a relief. Just a few weeks and the bodily systems is like going crazy for the love of my life, if only she was really there.
I was like interested in looking at Chinese porn because of the censors! I know I won't find any from North Korea though. I was venturing into it and it's like watching a decently-acted soap opera with a lot of female nudity but no explicit penetration. Some of those actresses have really attractive bodies. However, those actresses are probably not the same looking anymore and older and how could I even sleep with them all? It's just leading myself into a path of depression if I dwell on the truth, so why should I continue to do voyeurism? It's fun momentarily, but then just turns into a cooler contradiction.
I guess it's one of my vices for me and whatever loose interpretations or beliefs those performers are hanging onto, may God bless their souls with them having a transformed heart for the things of the Lord!
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
