I pretty much took an hour of nap and then was up for four hours after. With the surge of energy I had, I ended up squandering it by watching three episodes of anime about a girl who pops out of a steel can when the main character drinks it. It's obviously a weird romance comedy and the girl ends up generating melon fireballs and burns the perverted 16-year old main character! I don't even know what the name is of that anime. It's some Japanese title that I can't even read. Okay I wasted an hour watching it. I could have probably done something else to struggle with.
I ended up watching forty minutes of a celebrity edition dealing with playing video games by Nickelodeon in the 90s, which was really cool. It was inspiring in a way for me, so I guess I shouldn't feel bad about that.
I then read an article about how porn is different from real sex. It was a real eye opener about how normal women might not actually feel pleasure multiple times out of the mechanics. I'm still very much interested in it while adding in romantic elements though so maybe just romance with the love of my life and enjoying some private and pretty good intimacy while willing to work at it should be good for me. Well, I'm praying about it and hopefully I won't make a sin that's too great to recover fully from out of God's grace.
I have to admit that porn is meant to be entertainment for a sinful world. It's just for the viewer to fantasize about fulfilling some lusts with sexual overtones. The hard part for me is running away from the entertainment and thinking about how fun it would be to do that with the right person I find and marry. I don't think I have what it takes to be a porn star too and some side of me is like yeah, I can do it and I try to prove to myself that I can do it every once in awhile. From reading up on the requirements, it drains energy and is like forcing yourself to be a meat stick for the sake of being filmed; I don't really feel comfortable with that even though it's been a guilty pleasure to reach halfway.
In a way, this is like an unwanted job that I've been unintentionally pursuing because I ran into a mental pitfall and still rewiring myself back into it. Just like how I felt with competing at games requiring some gambles, I don't have enough talent to overcome those droughts of losing money and the tenacity that's required out of it just sucks the living joy out of me doing it in the first place.
From perceiving this relation, it's better for me to drop the act and go after pure love. I mean true love in the real world is going to be a commitment and not feel great sometimes and I know this from loving my beautiful female friends. The joy will be just actively seeking and being patient and when it just happens to you, it will be a true blessing from God.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
