I think playing online Poker is a reminder to me of how it's not going to feel good that you just spent time on something that feels like all your energy was wasted. This is what I also worry about while conducting higher level things. It's the stress that I'm worried about and want to constantly avoid while making money doing something else that's less time consuming and more fun while less stressful.
I'm going to accept that grinding is supposed to be a way of life for me. It's how it helped me go places while I was still growing as a person and pretty much closed off to things while undergoing so much shallow insecurities and putting in the effort to always be nice around everyone.
For the most part, I'm considerably pretty well-liked. I realize that some friends who have gone astray with me are going through some form of autism, which is infuriating to deal with. In these situations, you just have to communicate in a detailed and sound manner. I'm capable of doing it, thanks to growing up with my annoying mother!
I'm going to dedicate myself to learning to program and preparing myself in this field just to pass the time whenever I don't have enough distractions because it's just something I want to accept myself doing now. It's a feeling of stress that I always want to dominate with confidence and patience. On top of this, I want to keep on reading and make time for hanging out with open-minded people. I currently have a female buddy who hits me up. She's been getting better for me to be around because she was initially a fuss to deal with and I could have walked out on her but my stubbornness didn't let me.
I think we shared a similar fate with one another, so maybe we could spark an intimate relationship some time down the road if it makes sense to but as of now, it's always conquering these lustful feelings and seeing for who she really is to me underneath everything- a true friend! Sometimes, I don't feel like hanging out with her but I just do it anyway because I want to give her company. She's been the one to ask me out most of the time; we're just buddies and it's going to stay that way for a long time, I think.
