Staying Positive Through It All

Well it looks like last week was pretty bad for me since it's allergy season. The concentration of pollen in the air was pretty high all week and it gave me a migraine. From yesterday, it's been raining so my migraine has died down from the pollen having been washed out. It feels much more relaxing now.

I'm planning to do some more purchasing this week like buying a more comfortable mask pretty much and buying my good friend her birthday present which will take awhile to get in the mail. I have been just messing around on my Switch so far which has been a lot of fun playing this one game, but I think I'm going to have to 'switch' it up again.  

My Practical and Imaginative Way of Getting Married to the Right Girl!

First off, I'm brought to some silent laughs with myself after reading the title of my post. Why? It's because it just sounds humorous putting two polar opposite words together in a sentence while expressing a commonly desired goal. I'm starting to realize now that from talking to my mom, she has continually said that I'm not the only one who likes to think my own way. 

I have to be aware of it now that people are people and I play and think just like they do. I still feel like a kid sometimes when it comes to understanding how people think. Back then, I was just dealing with a lot of nerves and hiding my lack of confidence while socializing with anyone and missing out on good opportunities with getting a beautiful girlfriend! I failed to cash in each time I could have made the move from being so shy and even these girls tried making a move on me, but I still didn't budge. 

I think it's because I just didn't get it and was more focused on understanding why I wasn't so happy and feeling so worn out all the time while lacking a direction that I wanted to indulge myself in. In this manner, this is where watching TV or playing games would feel like it's so fun sometimes and then the boredom starts kicking in and being alone all by yourself when you could go out and do something good for this world! 

Now, I believe that it's all about going after doing whatever you want while focusing really hard at it and thinking about how you are making the world a better place! My mom likes to talk about how people keep on working so hard like they are drones, but then again this is how my mother was when she had the same job for almost twenty years before retiring and letting my dad take over with paying the family bills.

From feeling lost and having lack of confidence while living and suppressing my depression, I tried really hard to keep going but I would just tire out and kick the curb all the time. I don't know how it all clicked all of a sudden for me so far, but nowadays it's nothing like that. It's a total game changer with how I see the world so much in a more positive, cleaner, and creative manner now. I wish I started thinking this way starting at the age of 10 when I was reconsidering how ladies had cooties and could instead be very delightful people to be around. Well, it would naturally still have to take its course because there were a couple annoying female classmates who were moody and mean while making fun of me out of whatever mockery they wanted to do to me. I grew out of all those concerns now so that's what matters the most to me and am laughing about it while taking it with a grain of salt! I could seriously impart some wisdom to my own posterity now or any kid I feel responsible with. 

Gradually Picking Up On Things

It seems like from the additional time I'm setting aside with staying home, I'm finding activities to do with keeping myself occupied and happy. Mainly, a lot of people like to watch something they enjoy and to be able to make money off of being part of the entertainment industry, that's a big time wow especially if you're a star! 

I'm not quite tall enough and don't really have the proper background to get noticed right away, if I ever did dream about being a star. I sort of lost that interest a long time ago when I was still impressionable. I guess I fell away from it by just picking up a remote control and watching something and then a game console controller when I became super bored of television! I would really have to like force my way in by putting my own money into it, but then it would still be a risk after spending so much passionate hours into a project I would want to devote to with making it come to life. Simply put, it's not worth it enough to me now to go for that direction.

I really like sticking to being a nerdy software developer! Hands down, it's like the best feeling in the world to dominate and launch a robust problem solving device after coding something. It feels so good to make it work and do something so efficient and amazing without having to do the leg work. I totally enjoy it!

Learning From Past Mistakes

I think a lot of my stupid and really expensive mistakes came from putting myself through emotional struggles and not knowing how to come out of it. I would end up doing something pretty reckless according to my personal standards. It might be minor though compared to what the rest of the world can come up with. It was really emotionally damaging to me and I felt like I had no real outlet and that seeking help from a therapist would even make things worse for me. It's because I wasn't depressed but just angry the whole time and willing to make a change which I realize now was meant to be for mainly positive outcomes.

I'm having a greater understanding and deeper appreciation for the things I went through and a greater awe under amazement and wonder with the spiritual things of God. There is this joy and excitement underneath me, like some heavy burden has been lifted. I'm sure that I'm not the only one whose been through these things and that there are others, just in different variations compared to my own. I sort of did all of this to myself in the end anyhow. When others I had a conflict with told this to me, it made me only more angrier which is something for me to laugh about now. I guess words can cause a rise in you sometimes, but learning to take it in has been challenging but not so much anymore.

Now that I think of it, I believe that people with mental illnesses and giving into their impulses right then and there while lashing out are being dumb and careless! I've come to better terms with it lately and capable of holding my own ground with them, but I would rather reserve this effort with those I already know, which would mean that I don't mind working at being their friends again eventually. 

Staying Hard At Work

From what I have been thinking, the stuff that made me mad in the past doesn't really matter anymore because I never had a resentment towards those things. I've always wanted to get along right after giving into the flesh and trying to beat it up so much into submission. Yeah, it's pretty funny and can be relatable to the reader with just about anything and I specifically don't know everybody's details but I can relate to my own the best.

From the lessons I have learned, honesty really is the best and there has to be some strategy to go into a battle, even if it's unintentional. A conflict is pretty much a struggle with two differing interests. For example, one person wants you to stop talking about something and you just want to keep going. The other person is pretty much saying that she has just had it enough with you and is going crazy! I did this to a lady who was really mad because I was giving her a hard time with not letting her try to just understand me? I don't recall how hot she was, but I think if I was more open to it back then, then she would have been someone to try to date. I wasn't feeling mentally satisfied about the situation with the group she was a part of and how I fit into the mold. I was so exhausted mentally and struggling to find a way with fitting in and then they became afraid of me because I wouldn't stop whatever I was doing for my own selfish schemes. It wasn't anything illegal but they felt I was holding them back from achieving their purpose of being a famous brand to the world. A little crazy if you tell me because it dealt with the life of going to a church. I never really got it because I was always to myself, while struggling with so many negative thoughts and emotions. 

Nowadays, I'm just laughing about it and loving myself better. It just turned around for me and my mental buildup just started changing for the better. I'm still a shorty and learning to live with how others will say I'm lacking in good looks while confounding them with normal or really good looking features around my body. It just goes to say that I could argue that it doesn't matter in general and doesn't make you a bad person from being labeled short, just that it's a big deal to some for whatever reasons they want to hold on to. It's not really their fault either. 

I think it's something to just dismiss and laugh about personally while learning to fend off a bunch of dummies who try to give you a hard time about it. Once this objective has been achieved, there really is some peace and sound of mind. So in a way, I don't think I'm missing out and just that she's out there and something I could do while living my single life is to work at self-improvement and keeping myself happy by accomplishing regular goals daily. 

Maybe my parents won't ever fully understand me because of how they met and married while not knowing each other that well enough and how I grew up as a person, but I'm pretty much an adult now and get to make my own personal life decisions here and accept all the consequences. I'll do the best I can to keep them positive going for myself but if some are negative then there's not much I can really do about it! The bottom line is I'm going to be protective of my interests and not get frustrated nor be a jerk about it. Basically, it's about staying joyful with whatever you are doing and being focused with making the world a better place even if there's a lot of perks going into it for yourself.  

Inspired To Focus

From reading about a famous comedian by the name of Tim Allen, I found out he used to be a Cocaine dealer and was imprisoned after being caught at an airport and pleaded guilty. He ended up turning his life around after he was paroled and patched up his relationships with family and friends and started to focus on setting and achieving goals.

I think that's a very powerful message in that it's important to have goals and to carry them out. It can be anything and it does take discipline to fully accomplish everything that's on your heart. Well almost, unless you are really unlucky about something that's probably never going to happen like wanting to breath in space without a suit. It will most likely have to be then someone's dream that he is chasing after, but this can also be a goal to live out daily!

I think it's wise to list out personal goals daily and to chase after them. I'm lucky in a sense that my goal is to fulfill simple tasks daily even though it isn't anything extraordinary and sometimes messes with your emotional circuitry. I guess this is where mental and emotional health come along. The objective is to really just focus and will yourself out of something negative like being lazy or forgetful and get to it. 

Out of discerning all this, I think if you can't achieve certain goals but still desire them right now then they are part of your dreams to achieve and shouldn't give up right away unless you have the right reasons while still managing to be happy. It's easier said than done so it's very important to be able to discern all of this. 

Finding Fulfilling Directions

It looks like all my life with everything I've been seeking, I was good enough to hang in there but I was sometimes really miserable from all the grinding I put in. It pretty much would lead me to burn out and leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I think a lot of people go through this as well and some handle it better than others. 

I'm totally inspired and feel locked in to keep on doing what I'm doing now. Aside from that, I guess the biggest mystery of my life is pretty much finding a hot and loving lady to consummate marriage with. I don't think my body is really in that bad shape either even though I'm really short for an average developed man. It's a little tough maintaining positivity sometimes but it looks like I'm starting to hold it out okay.

I think the only things for me is to really keep my heart open and find any connections. If any lady doesn't personally find me to be dating material, which will probably be a lot of them because come on, women do want to have tall and handsome sons to look after them too and a lot of them naturally feel a little insecure about guys being shorter than them. I guess it would just mean that I'm just not the right person for them because of however they want to feel, and I can accept there's nothing wrong about it now from staying positive.

The truth is, it's mainly sticking to the truth, so if the physical intimacy is so good but after years pass by and it dies down, what else is there left to keep the relationship healthy and fun if there's so many disagreeable traits among each other?  Honestly, I want to try out first with being happily married to a woman who never beared a child out of passion and had a domestic partner. It would be my first as well, even though I had a few really good opportunities I let slip up from lacking confidence. I'm willing to work really hard for keeping the relationship alive. Just maybe, I might have a pretty easy opening with my lady best friend from spending time doing quality activities with her and having fun while enjoying her presence. The real question for me to find an answer to would be if it's the right moment in time while everything else is already doing good between us. 

Finding Nice Inspiration

I'm starting to see how truly inspiring it is to see a happy, talented child being a pro at something already from all the hard work he or she put into it. This gets me thinking that to be at the top of your game, you really should keep a positive attitude no matter what and just focus with a lot of hard work. This is all there is to it, and I struggled with it all my life. Only recently have I been starting to see things in a more better way for me.

When it comes to finding love, I believe that it's cool to not force it no matter what others ask you about. It's okay to stay single and enjoy life long as you can. The Bible does say that a man who loves his wife, loves himself so it can start with a man learning to love himself unconditionally and applying some self-improvement here and there for some more happiness.

The future wife for me is out there and even if some people might not wish it upon me like the good Bible-oriented Christians because they would prefer me serving God as a single man, I guess it's not really their decision to begin with. I think the how part is really trying to see the world as half-full and making this attitude so infectious that you are naturally working hard and focusing on something to help make the world a better place. 

The positive thing I see it for myself is to compete fairly with others who are in the game with me for earning lots of money and then give back some of it to help out society. It must just mean I literally have a business model of just competing while finding it to be so fun and interesting, while so flexible that I don't need to rely on others and can be the man to call the shots with the company of just one person. Maybe I can create a one-man corporation someday and make donations for my tax write-offs and get that major tax discount so I won't owe a lot to the IRS and have a comfortable saving to keep on competing while being able to enjoy and accommodate some expensive luxuries.

Getting Started

I'm a week ahead of schedule in my writing so to state that I'm not even manually on my blog to post at 8:00 am each day like a machine; well, I am relying on one to do that for me! My fake job here is to just come up with the content and put something on there for it to post. Whose kidding me, I'm just doing this for fun and like a hobby. I don't need money from this site, unlike all the other young people who are trying to make money from posting on their site. Well, good luck to them because I don't see any of them really thriving so far. If they are doing it for fun and maybe purchase a different domain name to link to it other than the weird (name).blogspot.com and is religious about coming up with creative and useful content then I can see it working for them. It's just that it's really hard to be inspired to do all those things, especially when I think most of us starting out don't really have that kind of money and time to put into it. It's pretty much like a one of a kind type of thing to do then for that really special and talented individual.

Anyway, since I'm planning to be off porn for awhile now that I've been asserted with what my fantasy body I want to be married to looks like, let's see what I'm going to do pass off my time while being bored staying at home with this whole coronavirus thing. Let's see I do have my switch and I told my close friend I would download something for her, so I might as well get to that and start installing all these games on there I haven't got around to even doing yet. I can even buy some more accessories too for organizing it better for travel. 

I could go into dance mode with playing some dancing games on my old Xbox or even try to pass a game I never played. I haven't installed a game a friend bought for me on one of my birthdays ever since I played my heart out from the last game and was super addicted to it! I also have a bunch of beach body workouts that I never use so I could do that. I could even cook some snacks. 

I can also work on some more trading and playing online poker. Yeah, there's a bunch of stuff for me to do at home besides just sleep and try to get off on porn but I'm satisfied with knowing the fantasy body I want to be married to, so I'm not going to need it for awhile now. 

Finding Good Out Of This

In a sense, this is really a necessary part of me for doing more than just venting out my frustrations. I'm writing practically with an open heart on the tablets of these web pages and care about my manners because it doesn't matter who can show up to read this. Even though I have my name blocked out by calling myself Number 1 and there's a picture of me standing next to like the mini-nutcracker soldier, I guess I already claimed I'm Asian so I gave that away long time ago and can live with that.

I'm writing in perfect English so I'm either British, Australian, American, or from like the Virgin Islands right? You know, I guess the whole aura of being exotic and unique really isn't all it's cut out to be. I honestly would like to some day be able to even though it's happened on countless occasions to see myself from third person on a photo or video and say yeah, I look so good and am confident sharing this with others.

I want to be this good looking, short guy who is very confident and isn't that full of himself like I have been known to be. I have to say that writing on here with absolutely no filters but my absolute moral sense while keeping it together to the best of my ability, it's been quite fun and very nurturing for me. I'm like the only guy on this planet doing something like this and not a lot of people know about it. It's perfectly fine for me to keep it at this low level free form of thought while feeling others could be thinking like I'm this crazy guy ranting whatever he wants to put on here while being stupid wasting his time! In a way, it has some truth to it and I've found room to engage some brain cells never woken up before and find humor out of it. In contrast, a lot of people haven't and if I say or do something sometimes then it's going to feel like some bizarre colors are being mixed together and having a petty boxing match! It's surprising to be honest, and alarming that I have to be the bigger creature from a mental and emotional view. 

Respecting Boundaries

I can just say that I had anger issues and wanted to bust people's hearts open while holding all of it back much as I can. I totally ignored their wishes and disrespected it so distastefully while doing it in a pretty odd and quiet manner. It's funny, but it scared them a ton and still gives them the creeps while they are so angry and can't let go of the grudge they feel with me. It might be a little different if I can get them to laugh though. 

I think all of that nonsense is bound to happen with pride and fury getting in the way with each other and could happen for any reason. It's just how conflict is and what's so dangerous about it is that if there's no self-control then it leads to jail time or even committing murders on fellow peers. This is the way of the devil and is evil and so demeaning and very bemoaning and while hyperventilating and so frustrating and totally illustrating! 

It took awhile and I'm totally glad I didn't pay for a therapist even though I was tempted to go from some peeps telling me to constantly. It turns out I recognized their mental issues and they wouldn't have said it if they weren't bothered so all that unwanted stress originated in them and they were really speaking for themselves. It's just that they were young and had a lot of pride to wear on their shoulders and didn't want someone directing them how to live their life. This is precisely how I was and they just couldn't understand it with me. Sometimes people are blinded and can't figure it out while just resorting to complaining because it's the easier thing to do which doesn't help with getting anything done and wastes everyone's precious time and space of memory.

When this deals with me, it's obviously always going to be different right? It's like it just depends while all the evidence from explaining about it points to it, but no you are going to object and say there's an exception because you don't want people finding out about your selfish motives and deny everything is bad and keeping all the good in there while never being able to live up to it, right?  

Things To Keep Occupied With Coronavirus

Well, I would normally be writing this today but I'm already a few days ahead of schedule and willing myself to to put something on here, so this may not be my best work. Personally, I have figured out the woman's body I would love to be married to and enjoy a lot of sex with on a regular basis so that's me being very crude and open about it. Oh well, I don't have my face and name to represent this blog so might as well go all out! I'm not going to be saying cuss words even though I can still put out insulting stuff on here from just repeating the garbage which would still do the same trick of offending others! 

Yet, I'm just so amazed by how I'm still getting visits to this site! Okay, I'm really inspired to be peaceful even though I'm letting loose here and giving into the small evils remaining in my heart. A good lady shared with me a wonderful Christian daily devotional that she personally reads and I was really touched by this one. It was just unusual with how she was complaining to me and then just bounced back to her usual self. 

She was complaining how I wasn't building her up and sounding so salty about a lot of stuff and putting it on auto-repeat and that she was so tired of it! Okay putting that aside, I didn't officially masturbate to porn but I got off to a body that I would love to be married to. How does that sound putting it in my prayers while hoping to marry this chick with the body I want someday and who also comes with the quality personality? 

Well, maybe I can find someone better but I know I'm definitely straight and found material that appeases my extremely heterosexual fantasy, so now what's next? I want to find a woman in like manner and who has lovely morals and preferably a Christian and likes to do this kind of stuff while being married! Yeah, it would be fun while locking the doors and ignoring the kid's pleas or maybe buy a sound proof door. When it's opened then yeah, checking on the kids while having messy hair.

This might sound a little too graphic but whose kidding. If you're a parent of a son and you're Christian then you would want this child to line up something like that minus avoiding the bad stuff in life. If it's growing up and past puberty, while understanding and coming to terms with aggro-hormonal states then yeah it's how it is. What probably made me get more excited about porn was that my dad covered my eyes with those scenes, so if he hadn't done that then I wouldn't have learned all I can about reproducing but yeah, I can't really blame him for doing that and possibly, it was just born into me naturally but it flipped the switch into a stronger interest because he tried to avoid discussing it with me!  

Working Through My Weaknesses

It looks like I have trouble identifying my own weaknesses and what was cool is that I was able to get my nice lady friends to identify those areas for me when it comes to dating. I chose not to ask my asexual and best lady pal because I already know she sees me a whole lot differently. Since we get along so well and knowing her personality to dislike upsetting others, she might already have her guard down with me and could end up saying something that wouldn't be that helpful. 

I'm actually being a little more tactful with her like the good partner I would be if we were actually together. I decided to pay more attention to her body language and smile a lot more with our dialogues. It's really become quite dainty! It's still going to take some getting used to, but I'm really interested in paying more attention to everything about her. It's not in any obsessed way, but just because I actually like her and have realized that she is a very unique and special person in my life. Her natural appearance is homely and she is physically a little pale from not having worked out enough. She's getting back into working out again though to build some tolerance with handling stress.  

I ended up doing rather well with my best lady pal then and for who she is in general as a person. Just the fact that I was able to accept in a fun but humble manner with someone else telling me what my weaknesses are, I'm more readily aware while looking to put in a little more effort to deal with them. 

Having A Stable Mind

What's pretty awesome is how I'm not feeling too depressed about my messages being ignored now. Maybe it was read, but there's just no reply to go back with it. It's just how it is, and I'm not even worried about it now. It's because it can happen to anyone. I honestly blamed for the longest period with how it's my lack of appearance that was keeping me from enjoying a physically attractive relationship.

It's just that there might be some more factors that go into it now. I guess I don't have whatever it is to get the best thing out of it, so might as well just do the best I can and whenever I do. I'm just not trying to force anything now and about having fun while making sense with what I'm doing and trying to be appropriate as possible. Thanks to just asking trusted friends, I have better awareness of what my weaknesses and strengths are. 

Coronavirus Lockdown

Well, I consider my life to still be really lucky in that I can still go to work at my office. It's pretty insane with how the road has cleared up during rush hour after work. It even feels a little unfamiliar to me. I'm guessing that once the road gets filled back up with cars after this is sorted out, I'll probably wish it was empty again! 

My routine hasn't changed that much still except that I don't have a few things to do for keeping myself entertained like going to watch a movie. It also gets me thinking about how I miss going to the gym now, since I'm paying for a membership. 

From what the notice at work says about the coronavirus, as long as you don't feel really sick, nor coughing, nor having trouble breathing, you don't have signs of being infected. A recommended procedure if any of you guys haven't received the message from anyone by now is to have a sip of water often for just in case the virus gets into your mouth. It will get destroyed by the stomach acids. 

Now it makes sense with how the coronavirus can't really spread from digesting food. It isn't strong enough to survive the intestinal fluids, neither can it survive some bleach detergent! Don't just take my word for it. I would like to tell my readers to also do your own research. Some exciting topic is that leading experts are attempting to create a universal vaccine for all coronavirus strands. There has yet to be word on using any other safe medication to treat the deadly symptoms.   

In A Sense

In a sense, even though I consider a self-proclaimed asexual I feel oddly romantically attracted to sometimes being in a relationship with another woman to be a little comical, she is taken regardless of how I want to see it. It's time to move on because there's really nothing there with everything we are talking about. We just have a pretty tight-knit relationship, and I'm providing her some therapeutic treatment with her stress levels because I really care for her and see her as a great friend and feels like a sister. 

If she cares for me like that later with a weird turn-around which is always fun for me but I manage to find a girlfriend who fits right in and is making me happy to go on to marry, then it's honestly going to suck for her. I don't see this happening from analyzing many angles smoothly from the mental data collection I have on spending lots of personal time with her. 

I guess it's really positive to state that I don't really care if she never wants to be with me! It's time to move on while staying super good friends who hang out a lot together to spend the weekend and find someone else who would match more closely to fitting my fantasy. 

Still Loving Even With Personal Disagreement

It turns out that my asexual girl best friend is dating an experienced lesbian! I'm really not sure anymore if she considers herself to still be asexual, but I think I've had this discussion with her before and going to have to take her word for it. She admitted to being asexual a little awhile ago and somehow she's making the relationship work with this nice lady! 

Thinking about it now, I believe it's rude to bring up the talk again we already had and just let it progress into any development she wants to take it to. From believing in the Bible, even though it's hot in the flesh with two girls sleeping with each other, I have completely assimilated to it being sinful because God created Adam and Eve to do that with each other for utmost pleasure and it can just fit naturally! If she was still with that weird obsessive guy she once dated while feeling he was the closest match to her ever, I would have accepted it if they ended up getting married.

I guess that's the only thing bugging me about her relationship with another lady. I may disagree with it and it's her personal sin to make the decision on, but I'm still going to love her for who she is and stay friends. Yeah, I don't really mind her calling me a brother now. I just don't really care for that now and we see each other like family who hang together often. It's just really nice!  

Being The Bigger Person

It's pretty much got to this point where I'm capable of respecting others and not really needing to say anything bad about them behind their backs either. I guess I'm a really different kind of human being out there with how I think and function. Yet, one of my high qualities that was pointed out for me is how I'm capable of focusing a little too well on tasks that I want to accomplish. 

Yeah, one of the things I dislike about myself and can come across as absent-minded is that I catch myself being forgetful a lot of times. It pretty much sucks and I'd like to do something about it, but I just can't find myself committing to it right now. I have a lot of beautiful ideas but the thing though is that I need to walk the talk, so I have to be careful about what I say and actually do it. 

Working At It

Well, it's not easy but I'm understanding that I want to make a living as a successful risk manager while playing a game of taking little pieces of the pie from successful competitors. The way I see it is that a lot of players in the market are going to end up failing with possible severe negative consequences like failed marriage, money problems, and gambling addiction. To avoid those drastic outcomes, a lot of work needs to be put in with figuring out the game while also putting in the time to practice it daily! Finding one's own convenience is just going to take a lot more time, rather than trying to do enough to just get by. 

I can see how right now, since I wasn't born into any rich family and with being physically short, there's sometimes an emotional ailment for me but I've learned to let it linger without being so negative about it now. I just don't care so much about it, but now I see that I should try to make myself grow taller still just for fun and without opting for any surgery. It's just something that I want to work hard for even if it's going to be impossible and feel very difficult to keep up with. I think it's just going to be worth it on the long run for me though, even if it doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things. 

People have the right to believe whatever they want, but in the end everybody's looks are going to fail someone even though these people think that looks really do matter. I just stopped writing and took the time to text an old friend about this while making fun of his selfish ways. In the end, it really doesn't matter but the good thing is that I have learned so much about self-acceptance and have acquired it for the time well-being! If you don't have the luck then it's basically putting in a lot of hard work to stay happy while maintaining a strong mental health. It really is nice to be at personal peace and not have any problems staying nice to people even if they go off tangent to be really irritating or act stupid from having some anger management problems. 

Making Some Subtle Changes

I'm back to being in a small rut right after getting out of work. I feel blessed to have this job and really lucky to be able to do some developing. It's really about just putting in the time and that's about it. If you don't do it, then it means you're pretty much snoozing and you lose.

The fact that I just like it and want to still do more while making a lot of money is the pursuit that I'm attempting to go after. I guess it's about really focusing and having a good time pretty much when it comes down to winning. I mean you have to just put in all this effort to figure out what needs to be done to win and if it's not going to get you in trouble with external factors and it's still relatable to others then yes, it's the journey to take. 

After all, there's really no need to compare yourself to others since we're all different and unique. There are some people I don't like and not going to be shy about admitting it, but I can't say it's my place to be able to help those people. Yet, if I'm inspired by something about them or have something selfish I want to aspire to, then of course I'm going to include them. Now, it makes sense with my mental makeup and anger that just offloads itself with my wild imaginations. I'm lucky to be able to do this and have a better understanding even though I keep on trying to which makes it interesting and gets me feeling a bit more laid back.  

Waiting Around For Getting It

Honestly, I haven't been really in the mood for looking at porn lately. I have this fantasy in mind of what I'm seeking to fill the gap, so it looks like I'm not addicted to porn at all. I guess in a way, it is pretty gross to watch others do some sex act even though the lady is super hot! Why isn't she a such and such person and all for me only? I'm just joking, but my fantasy revolves around making sense for me. I just need one lady who is into such and such and has such and such. I have read on an article's survey of different women that she exists out there, so my fantasy can definitely be fulfilled!

In the mean time, I'm not stressing so much about it anymore and just open to finding some great help that will let myself climb into some opportunities. I'm trying to limit the amount of resources I use and want to save up my money, so I would rather wait since I feel like feeling successful while having enough money to get around doing what I love is part of growing my personal confidence!  

From what I'm learning about, feelings can change for the better or worse over time. It's like a girl I'm close to thought I was a brother to her and now she thinks I'm one of her great friends. This can open up romantic possibilities, which I don't want to force with my manly tendencies. Our compatibility might be growing to keep on getting bigger and off the charts, but the chemistry I feel could develop with her has been uncertain so far. 

There's another lady who I went on a date with while acknowledging each other as friends. She's pretty attractive, and I feel like she has something really good to offer also so it's another option to look out for later on. I think I might have a chance with some attractive ladies who feel they have been social rejects at one point!  It seems like ladies have this vulnerable side to themselves that you just want to be their knight in shining armor sometimes. 

Gaining Riches Over Time

I'm now believing the principle of consistency with hard work over anything that you see can bring a lot of riches from being successful, have had a little amount of success over, and learned to enjoy doing regardless of the annoyances of feeling like you are falling short sometimes. Basically, with programming or software engineering, I struggle sometimes to get it working effectively but I'm still game for putting my time into it to make it happen. It's quite fun and enjoyable for me even with all the stress I'm feeling sometimes. I have learned to really love it and feel so lucky that I don't have any anger issues related to my occupation. 

My secondary choices on the side are playing common zero-sum games for money. Trading stocks is a pretty good example of it, but I have chosen to go with trading foreign currency, since the trading pool is recession proof. It can get pretty torturous after having a string of losing bets, and the same with Poker. Right now, I have made about 400 million play chips in a few months of playing poker on this world famous app, which has probably only about 100,000 moderately active players. 

I don't mean to show off, but it's enough to put me at around the top 150 players on that site right now based on chip count. I had a fun battle against the chip leader the other day who has over 10 billion chips, and he wasn't joking around with me! I took only about 10 million chips from him in a session but it was well-worth the rush of winning a little off of him before I ran off. 

Figuring What I Want To Do

I figure that with all of the personal problems I feel from focusing so much on personal appearance and not being able to measure up to what I want; I have to just let it go now. I will have to settle for the best I can do and just deal with the dissatisfaction besides taking extreme measures like plastic surgery to change around my body. 

The only exception to this is that I did apply products to my hair like minoxidil to try to prevent hair loss. I have been gradually losing my hair, and I know about a hair transplant procedure where they take healthy hair follicles from your scalp and then implant it onto the bald spot of your head. Okay, I let myself suckered get into that because I do want to keep a full patch of hair. 

There's also the issue with wanting to be taller, like by maybe at least half a foot more since I really feel like a woman sometimes with the height I'm carrying around. I have talked to women and are great friends with shorter or slightly taller ladies, and they don't seem to hang on to the thought of being so short. My little sister looks pretty tiny, and she really doesn't care about her height and she has at times lifted her head up right next to me while laughing and comparing her height with my own! 

I was really touchy and sensitive about my height, and it may even prevent me from entering into a physically attractive romance with a gorgeous lady I dream of having, but in the end, if it's what I still really want then I'm going to have to look for it at a different and more intelligent angle. Basically, I was a total jerk because I hated my genes but then I learned over time to still be a nice person even when I feel toyed with because it's who I've always wanted to be. 

Things To Work On

I have been used to running at a relaxed pace now, and it's probably a lot faster than a person who hardly runs, but still, it would be nice to make some more improvements. This is where I'm realizing that going to gym and doing some strength training is going to be also important for me. I read that the best runners don't just run, but also put in some gym time. This statement really inspires me to get hit the gym now and spend a little time grinding to make my body sore and then recover in a couple days each week.

My poker sessions are getting better with me having better reads on my opponents. It's sometimes really obvious that you shouldn't call their huge bet because they have that card you are suspecting based on how the shared cards turned out. Sometimes, even though I feel like I'm heavily favored to lose, I just call it because I think I have to in terms of percentages. I even lose with pocket AA sometimes, and it really doesn't bother me anymore. I treat it like a regular loss that stings and move on to try again. Well, it has the best percentage of winning, and I want to have those kinds of hands much as possible going for me when I'm about to move all in. From playing in this manner, I'm now reaching 400 million play chips! It looks like I may need to reach 5 billion now to be a Top 10 player. I said last time I needed 3 billion. These Top 10 players are really that good so are able to keep on winning more in the name of just fun.   

Having Fun While Doing Something

Simply put, I'm totally open with sharing what I have going on here. Because the nature of this blog being pretty blatantly open, I have adopted a more sensitive approach over the years. I've tried making fun of people I couldn't stop feeling angry about like mainly Crazy Lee. It makes me want to personally laugh for admitting this right now. 

In a way, it is funny now because this nature was like so back then and I wasn't about doing any nasty or evil things to her. I sort of like it now with how I didn't do those things because it makes me just feel like I'm a better person than her.  

Finding Balance

I'm at a state of mind these days where I'm not really so worried about how I'm going to end up with now. I'm just going along with the flow and if the connection happens with someone and she reciprocates it back, then it's going to be awesome.

I'm pretty much worried about my future finances for the most part. I'm doing the best I can while going with something I enjoy doing just to make a living. Honestly, I feel really lucky to have this computer programming job. It's been a delight to be able to work on my own and to research while coming up with clever methods to improve the system I'm working on. 

It's just the matter of continuously working on it and what's so good about it is that I feel the passion and sense of purpose with doing a job like this. In a way, I feel extremely lucky and sometimes it's a stroke of genius that I'm blessed with and get to express just a hint of it to go along with my happiness of feeling like a know-it-all. 

Even with the finance issues and being distracted about it, I'm going to keep my heart open with finding someone and try to go for it whenever I feel comfortable. If I'm turned down, then it's not a big deal and I'm still going to be gentle about it since I don't really care now and see that to life, it doesn't matter who I'm going to end up with in time as long as I stay happy. Also, there's a lot of effort I want to constantly put in for myself and don't have any worries with how things are going to turn out. 

Holding On For The Best Prize

I'm getting some hits from all sorts of ladies who might not be the best looking physically. I don't really think looks matter that much. I still think this new girl I'm around for work is hot, even though I don't feel it sometimes. I guess when the opportunity arises, and I feel like jumping to the occasion then might as well go for it and see what happens. I used to think it would really suck to be laughed at for failing and became a little paranoid about it, but it shouldn't really be anything to worry about in the first place.

Finding a lot of different solutions later on, it really does take a lot of effort to improve things that are under your control. I honestly like doing that to make a living. I think the more important thing is to just accept how things are much as possible and be happy about it. I guess that's been my motto while being nice friends with a few beautiful ladies. I'm really comfortable these days with being around that crowd, and it's totally about exhibiting personal confidence. I don't seem to have too much trouble with it anymore. 

Letting Stuff Go

At this point in my career and life, I don't think what I have been fretting about even really matters anymore. Even with others doing things to me, it may have been mean but it still is not a big deal. I do try to be cool about it these days while going after things I'm interested in doing and staying relaxed about it. 

It doesn't matter to me if the lady I like isn't interested in me or never gets there. A lot of things don't really matter and even the friends who decide to leave me don't matter either. It's just the way life is sometimes, and there's really nothing much you can do about it. I would just like to stay cool about it and follow the rules of life much as possible. 

Just Joking Here

I feel like thinking, what in the devil, I don't see cops around like I used to! I honestly became a little paranoid from writing on here while feeling really toyed with. An average frustrated chump accused me of being a terrorist a long time ago from this blog. I don't really know what made him think that, except it started out after I wrote that he was an idiot for not visiting his family and doing his wild antics. It turns out that I may have been right about it all along!

He's pretty chill about it now, and I think he went into some therapy by the looks of it! Hey, therapy works for the most part. Without having done it, it looks like I'm managing my stressful thoughts a little better now. I still can't drop these thoughts to focus on listening to the Bible yet, but it's getting there!

Finding Comfort Through Repeated Exposure

I think a common mentality for old people who are still living is to think just forget about it, if it doesn't make you happy. This might make the saying to be true with how ignorance is bliss! I can't stand doing that, and I prefer to be a high quality individual by doing something about it. I have ghosted a few people even though it was getting irritating, but at least I heard their messages. I just couldn't get through to them.

Okay, now I think if I make the conditions favorable then that attractive girl who has been reading my messages and not responding to me while still being my Facebook friend will actually go out with me! It's just that I lack the know-how with getting there. I'm not really going to stress much about it, since I let her know that I believe in fate!  

I guess it's just about having fun and staying upbeat and positive about it much as possible. It's like watching that movie called Inside and Out which is a controversially, funny film. Its themes really try to touch upon mental health lightheartedly but it might still be concerning for some parents to let their young ones to watch. I had a good time watching it late night with my home girl! She's my best friend out of all the ladies I know. We are compatible and go beyond the universe or something like that with how star-crossed lovers would be joined, just that we experience zero chemistry. I think she's a gorgeous lady as a whole, even though she has her anxiety issues with her physical condition she was born with. She likes to blame herself for things she can't help, so she's getting therapy for it since she contemplated suicidal thoughts. I let her know that the world would never discover how special she means to it, if she ever did.

In a relationship that I have with my girl best friend, I think making those types of compliments which come straight from the heart are truly a joy for the lady to hear. I can tell that she was starting to show a sign with getting in that kind of good and loving mood. I welcome it, so I'm going to continue giving her compliments straight from the heart and while meaning it from anywhere in the world! I'm never expecting anything back from it either and that's really the key. 

Life Keeps Going

I think I'm getting a small reminder from trying to tune into the Bible daily. I'm just letting my mind wonder off sometimes and let my daily imagination play itself out. Sometimes, there's a little rage and that's pretty much the worst part of it. I end up just blurting out bad sentences that I don't normally say around others. I'm driving in my car and hopefully nobody has this car bugged to the point they can listen to my moody and personal pep talks. Okay, it might be very embarrassing since it is actually quite funny. I can see why a lot of good comedians rely on cursing to make others laugh.

For the most part, I'm doing good with holding it together. When I do listen to the Bible and hear something so profound and it makes me relate it to my past church issue and how I'm siding with what they did was wrong and how I'm going to present and justify it to them for some laughs; I can't really space out with all the fun I'm having without ignoring the next couple verses! 

It's just a small reminder to me that life is going to keep on going and that possibly those distractions could hold you back a little, so you have to be on your toes and alert much as you can. The Book of Proverbs is very attention grabbing and so good. It's like listening to the ultimate self-help guide. I think when I'm having a Bible listening session then I should really be about focusing to take in much as I can now, instead of letting myself connect with and stay glued to my angry or hilarious thoughts. The difference between an insane and sane person is that there's voluntary control to the amount that gets filtered from the head. If it's going on repeat and the person has to keep on apologizing while feeling bad about it, then yes it would be common sense to think he or she should find a therapist! 

For myself, I didn't really feel bad for how I acted out every once in awhile towards the people I kept on bothering. I apologized to them repeatedly and it's only because I still wanted to get along with them. They naturally thought I was crazy though, but they didn't notice that I observed they were having a hard time with being people they didn't want to be from resorting to angry outbursts. The Book of Proverbs says not to make friends with angry people, or else you can expect yourself to be put into some folly. It's true because that's where I ended up momentarily until I separated myself from them. Also, Proverbs mentions a fundamental with how applying knowledge and understanding will bring favor upon you, and it took some time for me to acquire this to gain reasonable confidence to be able to deal with them now. 

Working On Leaving It Behind

In all honesty, from having built up my confidence while arguing with angry people and keeping a clear conscience even though I'm flipping my handle, I feel very confident to approach angry people who know me personally and don't mind giving them a hard time about something I want from them. Since I haven't been doing what I never wanted to do in the first place and have it under control, I'm more graceful than those foolish individuals! It's just hard work naturally and not feeling like I'm putting in a lot of effort because I'm just consumed by what I want from them.

It's really not that hard anymore, once you get the hang of it. Something I've found works with guys is just using their angry views against them and turning around the tables while making them feel dumb about themselves. This is how I feel they are feeling with themselves. With the ladies, it really depends what you want them to do. If you want to date them, then good luck because I think it's a really dumb idea! 

In practicality, I have the attention of a girl with a husband who is half-moronic and nice. He is someone who I don't want to feel much affection for and not because he's just a guy even if that's probably 70% of my reasons. The same applies to another guy who I think is a weird scoundrel! 

My imagination is running wild now, and it isn't playing out to some sort of violence or me running away while defending myself now. I can literally see myself making all of this work for my happiness. It's just going to require a little work on my opening statements with these warped out individuals! 

Stepping It Up

Right now, it looks like I'm still chugging along and haven't landed myself Miss Right yet. She could be right around any corner for me now, and maybe she'll even not be interested in me initially. Who knows? I'm not really worried about it so much anymore. I think the idea of having sex with a beautiful lady I'm happily married to sounds like a wonderful plan! 

Other than that, it's just letting time go by and keeping myself positive while getting turned down by the women I'm interested in having some fun with. Hopefully, I'll land the right girl with good balance for me someday. I'm not so worried about the looks anymore and want someone who looks to be in decent shape with a nice rack to be honest!  Even if she doesn't have the nice rack which I think is highly probable considering the majority of nice and pretty ladies who were into me don't have it, well I didn't end up settling with any one of them. 

Actually thinking back, there was a really short girl who carried a large set but was a little overweight and I just didn't see myself being with her. There were also two dark-skinned Asian girls with large racks and taller than me too who showed some interest, but I just didn't feel comfortable that they were taller than me back then. Maybe the shortest one wasn't hot enough to me or I gave up thinking how she was dating somebody else. I could have easily made a move on her after she got over her ex, but I was a weirdo back then and can't believe she almost fell for me. 

Organizing Properly

Basically, the number one rule I have learned when it comes to organizing for your own success is that you have to be able to work and know how to do it! It comes with focusing on any goal you desire. It's really that simplistic at its core. 

I now realize that hard work is a very essential component to finding one's own success. It's sometimes going to feel like a drag because of having an off day, but as long as you can remind yourself, it's what you want to do then that's really the most important thing. 

Taking Rejections

In all honesty, getting rejected always stings a little. It can leave you feeling a little disorientated and even devastated. In some cases, people can get mad and if they have mental issues, they will go for stalking you or something like that. I can see why some ladies would prefer not to respond to a question of asking her out. I think it's pretty much safe to say it's because she wants to say no.

There's a point in time, you are just going to have to give up even though I had a girl who was reading and not replying to my messages, eventually write back to me and ask for a favor in exchange to do something for me. I pretty much shut her down but then years later, I just wrote again asking her out since I remember having this physical attraction when I first laid eyes on her. 

She went back to just reading and not responding. I don't actually know anymore, but I'm going to assume it's a sad no from her, but still a no which really doesn't matter in the first place. It's crazy but when a girl says no to me now, then I don't think it really even matters. I'm still going to play it like a gentleman even if I want to scream out insults from the top of my head! This could very well be why some hot ladies don't respond because they don't want to tick off guys who could become mean and scary from not liking them. Also, if a hot lady doesn't respond, isn't she worried that a guy is going to stalk her? Wow, this one lady is uncertain but I'm going to have to guess it's going to be a friendly no and time to move on.

Leaving It To The Imagination

I honestly wish I could go back in time and deal with those scrawny villains who had some anger management issues by stuffing them into a dumpster and then wiping my dirty hands clean without any soap or water right next to them! I would then have to rewind it back and live out how it actually went, which makes me want to sing, Another One Wants The Dust.

It didn't go that well for me because I didn't know what to do or think from wanting to be all about having acceptance. I couldn't even communicate this is what I wanted all along. They clearly were not having any of that with me and ended up not wanting to work with me on it. Oh well, I tried the best I could that time while holding back my rage and it ended up scaring them plenty since I wasn't letting up while they resorted to angry outbursts. It made them go for supporting a restraining order on me after! These are guys, I should add also and someone associated with them claimed we were all just a bunch of dumb college kids back then and that I should just let it go now. 

I honestly desire teaching all of them a lesson now and being very decisive about my thoughts and actions. I think everybody can agree here that those guys aren't worth stalking and not even worth a pretty penny of my time to keep dwelling on while holding a nasty grudge about it. It doesn't matter that they got away with it because I already did that possibly ten-folds against their will and they must want to still fume about it and repress it. In terms of numbers of incidents, I have the upper hand there, so I'll be working at forcing myself to let it go and continuing to be transparent with my fellow antagonists as these funny and highly agitating conflicts occur once in a blue moon!  

Still Very Lucky

I'm starting to see that I'm very lucky to be where I'm at, despite how I could still make things better for myself from applying hard work and keeping myself happy. I think I'm just a normal guy now who likes to dream big and go after them. I feel burdened by only two things now- it's having to put in the time and not feeling it sometimes.

I'm practically going to have to exercise self-discipline then which is pretty much forcing myself to go out there and do it because I know it's what I want for myself. I can only do the best I can for myself, even though I'm still a long ways to get to where I want to go. The best thing about all of this is that I feel much more happier than before and no longer feeling overcome with worries and depression. 

It's definitely a major leap forward for me, and how I wish I had some moments back so I can play them differently and then rewind it back to how it is right now. In a sense, I can only leave it to the imagination because I have accepted it, if it's not going to go my way no matter how hard I try.  

Enjoyment and Improving Along With Acceptance

Sometimes, playing Poker and relating it to life, things will sometimes not line up properly and create some losses. They do sting and can be frustrating, but the fact that you are still on the go is a testament to how we have so much to look forward to in life. It's just realizing it with patience and letting it go while staying in control from having self-discipline. 

The only thing that's really keeping us from reaching our goals is really the amount of time we put into it. It does feel disheartening sometimes, and it's easy to think back not so long ago with how still having something would have made it easier to reach our goal. It's just that the moment is gone and what we could be doing about it is trying to reflect upon our mistakes and not repeating them again. 

Sometimes, even though we have the best advantage at something, we still might not get it. Like on paper, I'm compatible with some ladies but they might be somewhere else and not about being with me for any reason. It's just something you have to accept while still chugging on through! This is the lesson I've learned from playing Poker with just play chips. I have over 250 million chips now and I blogged last month that I had at least 50 million. It's not bad. My current rank out of like 100,000 players is in the Top 200 range. I still have about 3 billion more chips to earn before I get recognized in the Top 10. It could even become more later on with the competition balancing each other out. We'll have to see, but I'm not going for the number one spot.    

So far I have a system in place that's working quite well and seems to be highly related to the real world of Poker. It's interesting with how something so random comes with noticeable patterns shared by other players alike and you can manage your chips based on any card that lands on the table. It's something that just reacts to any given situation while taking on comfortable risks. If I lose, then it's pretty much an oh well and looking forward to the next opportunity and building my bank roll as I look to get to the top of my game. I'm not looking to be an elite player compared to all those great pros. I just want to do enough so I could have fun and make a decent amount to support my miscellaneous expenses.   

Working On A Little Thing

Currently, I would like to discipline myself to take a shower right before going to bed and brushing my teeth. I don't know what's hard about it, but I can't seem to do it while very sleepy. I end up just giving up and changing into my pajama in like ten seconds, setting my alarm, and then looking forward to my weird dreams!

I guess I could try to take an extra ten minutes to bath myself in the shower, so I won't stink up my bed. It's not that noticeable to me since I'm not sharing it with anybody. There's another dude who likes to share the bed with me but he's also straight. We keep each other warm and joke about our intimacy. Overall, I don't really have anything against being friends with gay people. It's just that I don't agree with their sexual practices because it's just a Biblical belief thing for me. I'm not going to tell a criminal to not go break the law with something he wants to do, so in the same way, it's with these gay couples too. 

When It Comes To Love

I think in the end, personal preferences don't really matter when you come to the realization that you are truly in love with someone. I have a fantasy that I would like to live out with a certain type of woman, but it looks like I'm open to leaving it behind now if I meet the right person and find the right balance of compatibility and chemistry. 

There's a few girls who I feel a lot of chemistry with, since they love being affectionate with me. I appreciate them a lot but the compatibility would be something that needs to be worked on. On the other hand, there's my best lady pal who I have so much compatibility with but she's an asexual so I feel no chemistry with her at all. It could change later on since she's getting therapy for her anxiety and health issues and might not even be with me. It's okay because I accept how this life is and this fantasy that I have is something I'm willing to wait for until I find someone right for me to settle down with.

Overall, I don't think personal preferences matter so much anymore. Being rejected doesn't matter either. It's all a process and about continually making improvements, while looking for an opening with that spark and having shared interests which would look so good on paper.  

Putting In Some Long Term Effort

From playing Poker with play chips, I'm now at about 250 Million chips and ranking somewhere in the Top 200 players out of like 100,000 players now. It's been really about playing it safe and then fighting to win the pot and sometimes just trapping other players. It's pretty much what all decent Poker players do. My strategy has been just putting my chips at risk when I see myself having a slight advantage to win. It doesn't always work but if my chip stack has been rising like this then it must be okay. Mathematically speaking, as long as I'm able to maintain a slight lead it will hold out to win on the long term. I have noticed myself doing this for the most part, and I've only had a few breaks to beat other opponents who were holding better hands than me. The most brutal losses for me are when I had the slight lead and those contribute to most of my losses, so I think my strategy is holding out pretty well. I'm going to hang on to my core belief system of how to win and make some final adjustments as I push to make myself a Top 10 player on the site. 

What's pretty cool is that I seem to have this respectable table image. Players act like they want to fold when I bet, so I even get away with bluffing from time to time. It's really all part of my strategy, so the game is about creating an opportunity for yourself and just hoping to win it all mostly by making reasonable Poker decisions.   

Slight Update On Progress

It looks like my background on Forex trading is that I'm making the most sense out of it with learning two systems I paid the most money for. I just landed with the indicators and now I'm just going for doing my own thing in testing them. I feel the most comfortable with using them from catering to my own interests. Like one of the systems is normally about constantly monitoring the market and taking in all the profit that you can get. I don't really care for that because I would rather be playing after positioning myself with a favorable trade and just check on the market status like every eight hours. The other one favors trading during peak hours, but I would rather trade whenever it's convenient for me, so this is why I'm testing these systems while coming up with my own idea and doing whatever because winning or losing at this point doesn't matter. I'm playing the real market for free and testing my strategies!

After having played so random and losing a lot of short term trades, I've locked in on profitable trades that have lasted a few days and I'm learning to be comfortable about when to exit or if I should leave it in. It's a pretty fun game to play and hoping I get good enough to make this my lucrative side job so I could semi-retire someday. I'm also a software engineer by trade now and enjoy it too even if it feels like a hassle to get back started on it daily sometimes.    

Meaning of Self-Discipline

I'm actually noticing a different type of meaning in that self-discipline is literally about forcing yourself to do something. It's just that it should really be about something you desire doing for optimal results. Boy, I had the hardest time while still being a decently smart kid back then. I guess in a sense, I'm lucky to have put enough time to make myself book smart. 

All along, I just didn't want to feel like I was forced into anything but self-discipline is a form of forcing yourself and exercising some personal restraint. In a sense, I don't ever like to say any cuss words because it doesn't represent me. Something I didn't exercise any discipline over and freaked out my parents for awhile was that I just liked to laugh all the time about anything. 

I really forced myself to laugh. I think I did that because it was my defense mechanism from thinking so negative about everything and really dealing with a little chronic fatigue. It wasn't a good feeling, while panicking underneath a lot and wanting to do everything perfectly. I had so much performance anxiety over doing anything! 

When I ended up striking out against some dorky former friends, I guess it's going to happen because they didn't want to work things out from having anger management issues and wanting to be so controlling with me. They were saying they wanted to help, but no it's because they totally lost it; and it's like nothing was going to be pleasing for them, and they were so mad and unable to release it and just going to a direction of spite towards me after having not really done anything to them and being so annoyed by it.  

The amazing thing is that I finally am able to discern it. What's also amazing is that I found myself out of a psychological hole from being really lucky to find some practical information that I love putting to use. 

Saying And Committing

I believe that I can say from having been raised in the Lord my entire life, I'm lucky with how I didn't do bad enough to land myself in jail. I mean I was really angry with a certain crowd for a long time and ready to go to war with them. I ended up just forcing myself not to get into some depravity. It could be my fear in the Lord or maybe, just not my natural desire.

I can see how having all of those raw emotions and feeling like I wasn't the same way before with getting results; it wasn't easy getting out of that negative mindset. I'm just glad that I found understandable and easily retained, knowledge from neuroscience to set my mind free!  

Pretty much, there's a positive and negative mindset. To get by happily, you would want to stay positive much as possible and activate all those happy and creative brain cells from the prefrontal cortex. However, the struggle occurs about 70% of the time with how the person is trying to deal with some stress and surviving. It can be really hard at times to work at becoming a super star just like Kobe Bryant was able to obtain with his Black Mamba mentality. 

The thing is though you have to notice for yourself that there's something you really want while feeling really talented about and then work for it while dedicating yourself. Some days will suck, but as long as at the end of day you are still breathing and content to still do it, then you are in the right business. 

Making Small Strides

Lately, I've been learning not to really be a sore loser. It can sometimes sting to lose at a fun game even if there's no risk involved. An example of this is playing Poker, and there are some brutal losses with a hand that can happen. I've learned to just accept it as they come, but as long as probability wise I know I had the edge while starting out, I just have to work at creating similar situations consistently and go from there.

Despite being dealt bad luck sometimes in life, as long as I'm able to work hard at making some adjustments, I will keep on competing for the biggest prize. I'm totally cool about losing out to others even if they were just lucky now. I will still put in all the hard work I can put in though. Overall, it's just fun for me now and I understand that I'm becoming able to be more patient with this process. A lot of things are totally tying together for me in a great way.

In a way, the main physical things I want for myself is to work hard for becoming financially independent, forming a nice gym body, and create a lot of free time to do things like traveling and spoiling my lucky lady. I don't really care about sharing details about my net worth or what I do to make more. If it's for charity, then I guess I'm cool with giving back and not being well-known for it. Overall, I think it's just something you have to be born for wanting to do. 

Being Happy

It looks like all I can really feel right now is how things will sometimes not go the way I want for myself personally. I think it's just a matter of hanging in there and being patient while keeping a positive attitude all the time. It's probably just something you can be really lucky to be born with, but then again, it's something that you can also work on. 

They are only the little things, but it looks like I still have to work on myself a little more to get what I want. It's just plain hard work with staying disciplined to get to where I want to go in life. This is the Black Mamba way, just like how Kobe Bryant did it with his legendary work ethic. I'm inspired with what he accomplished and definitely was a talented basketball player. 

I think I do have a talent to develop with my choice of occupation. It isn't something people can watch, so I'm never going to become any celebrity. It was something that I brought myself up to do and have no regrets because it definitely resembles me. On a side note, it would have been nice to be friends with everyone in the world, while also trying to side with the world and put to death a bunch of terrorists!

I know how I'm capable of writing better, since it's been way more developed to cater for myself and how it's also reaching a few individuals. These are only words and not like capturing the moment while being in person. Still, it's quite nice to have this these days with being able to tell your small story to the world and share with whoever happens to drop in. 

Still Learning And Having Fun

Honestly, it might take me years to become a self-made millionaire now with the zero sum games I have chosen to compete in. It's still pretty fun and the fact that I have no money in it to learn about my competition pool and get all the legitimate practice that I want to makes it nice. I'm in no hurry really to make a quick buck now with those and don't really want any advice from anybody. 

I'm just going to stick to what works best for me, since it's a form of gambling and about coming up with theories of how the market works. It really doesn't matter how you approach or think about it as long you can make consistent gains. It's just important to be comfortable with your system and be patient. I guess this is the area of self-control that most people would have trouble with because it really is so hard to do it on your own. It's like you really have to be born to do this to be successful, unless you are one of those people who are addicted and don't realize it that you are really gambling your money away to have fun and hoping to get lucky.  

As long as you know how to manage your money and time wisely while having the means to support yourself, I wouldn't say it's a problem now. It looks like my dream life is more on hold now, but I do have a decent amount and putting in at least some effort to make me desirable for some ladies. It's just that I'm not fully comfortable with pursuing them because they must not fully have what I'm looking for yet. 

It must just mean overall that I haven't met the one yet that I am sharing a beautiful connection with. Well, maybe I have already, it's just that I don't feel entirely comfortable with my financial situation and want to work hard at it while being patient and having fun at the same time. Maybe, sex really isn't what it's cut out to be if I'm developing all this patience to begin with. If I'm lucky to find this beautiful lady who is so into it and me then I guess I'll just be another one of those happy and go-lucky married guys who likes to work hard for making his money.  

No Longer Afraid of Commitment

It really feels like my mind is becoming very healthy in that with wherever fate is leading me to for the day, I'm just not minding it so much anymore. Sure, there are still some people who irritate me on a daily basis but I have to say that I love them before the end of the day.  

I'm no longer so stressed out about things taking time for me to get somewhere that I want to be. I'm willing to put in the work and don't need anyone to really help me. Sometimes, I prefer others to not help me out but I'm starting to not mind getting assistance. For myself, I have been hanging out with the girl who I'm fond of and at times, since I know her so well, I just can't pressure her to do anything against her will that I really want to do. I'm learning to be patient in this area, while staying in high hopes even though it's hard to express it in words with her about finding someone else who will make me a very happy husband.

It's really a process and I think having this awesome friendship with this young lady is preparing me for the day I do find someone much better than her. It's going to be pretty hard because she would be near the cream of the crop if she was able to physically keep up with me and her background was much more dainty. She's had a rough time emotionally because of her parents and sister having a difficult time and also being born with a slightly fragile body. Yet, I think she's a very beautiful woman on the inside from having taken the time to get to know her. We complement each other very well with the relationship we have right now, and it looks like it keeps on getting better.  

Setting The Tone

I think the main thing right now is for me to work at making myself happy. I'm ecstatic to admit on here that I do trust in the Lord based on what I've been studying in the Bible. I just practically listen to it and try to understand it without looking at anybody else's interpretation really. I do like J. Vernon McGee's commentary though because it's really simple and just talks about his personal accounts and gives basic information of what the passage could be referring to. Okay, so I like this guy's style!

Other than that, I just try to pay attention to the Bible while driving on the road by myself. I'm still learning to manage my past issues that still bug me, once in awhile but I'm able to focus when I'm working on something else. I guess it's easy to let my mind slip up once my day of working is over and start thinking about anything dealing with the flesh. 

I would really like to stay awake and work out and keep on cooking and make tons of money, while paying attention to the Bible and working on reaching my goals. I think my life is pretty satisfying for the most part, even though it's a little tough at times to snap myself out of having too much fun with the small, personal stuff. One of these days, I would like to be married to a compatible and affectionate lover. I still haven't found her yet, but I keep on becoming more open about it. 

Learning By Experience

Thinking about it now, I think I was being really crazy about forcing others who went crazy with me to stay friends. I was really frustrated and angry that they were acting so rude and not how actual loving friends would do it. Yet, I would just make fun of them and laugh about it after sharing my frustration and then just let it go while expecting them to be cool with me. Since they made up their minds and allowed themselves to stay mad at me, they acted very impolite with me. It really ticked me off in person, but I didn't let them know how they were behaving because I was trying to brush it off and move forward while arguing with them my ways were the absolute best!

Of course, they didn't like it and I stayed quiet about it while dealing with some rage. With all the things they did to me, I managed to stay nice enough about all of it, and they did cross the line morally speaking because they showed themselves to be in a vulnerable period. I can relate to it better now and stay really chill and happy while dealing with it. Overall, being accused of things and called names for things I don't associate with means nothing to me and doesn't bother me as much anymore. I just don't like constantly being in an angry state of mind and force myself not to. I work hard with myself to keep a relaxed and curious state of mind while being straight forward and leading things to a positive outcome. 

Channeling Out Rage Properly

I think overall it really does take a lot of self-awareness and putting in a lot of effort to realize your personal state of mind. It's quite tough to let go of something that really bothers you for that short period of time. Maybe in some cases, there's something unsettling underneath and keeps on reminding you of it because of a person saying or doing something. 

I'm going to say that having gone through this mess was very tough to get out of for myself. I feel like I scared so many people about a potential and violent reprisal. At a point in time, the only thing that bugged me while driving on the road was seeing cops and I felt like I was spotting at least three patrol cars everyday for a whole month. It worsened my personal frustrations and tempted me so much to want to vent out my rage.

I did end up acting like a kid which I thought was cool at the time back then by dressing in a mechanic's clothes while wearing some army sunglasses and showing off very big pockets and then coming onto the stage of that good-for-nothing Christian pastor and throwing the Book of Mormon at him pretty hard and letting it hit the side of the stage, while barely missing his left or right shoulder. It was very nuts and I deserve getting that nutty girl named Yuri to cuss me out and threaten to call the cops on me while messaging me on Facebook. She failed to get through to me, but I forced my way several times by making fun of her and letting myself be blunt. I was really mean and forceful because that's how I felt with my anger towards her, and I left all of it on replies which she decided to put on ignore and do nothing about later on.

Words are very powerful and can do some serious harm, like how it motivated me to channel my full fury and express it all from sending legible messages  and forcing my fellow antagonists to understand me. The thing about it though is that it was never satisfying enough for me. It was like getting my shot of adrenaline and then after it died off, I would want it to be revitalized and look for another fight with them and didn't care about bothering them.  

The fact that I was nice enough even to those foolish enemies and never landed in jail sort of means that I have a great amount of luck with how I was brought up in the Lord. The "MOST" important thing is that I stopped by forcing myself to!

For others who want to and let their close ones know about it while having struggles with it, I will have to recommend seeing a trained counselor or therapist. The downside is that it can be a lot of money and health insurance isn't really that catered well for top-tier mental health. For myself, I didn't really want to stop all of that rage back then. I wanted to learn to embrace and understand this side of myself. I also felt like I would have tried to slap a therapist if I ever did land myself in front of one. Plus, it's a lot of money and I wouldn't want to risk making myself look bad after a therapy session. 

Finding The Right Girl To Love

Obviously the dream girl for me from physical attractiveness would be someone who has a pretty face, is not chubby, is blessed with a nice rack, and totally into doing it a lot with me! Yeah, it pretty much sums it up for me and I guess she doesn't have to be any race for me to be sexually attracted to her now. 

It just means that I'm explicitly heterosexual even though there are some really handsome and good looking guys out there with bodies that I would love to have! I think the most hottest guys out of those good looking men are those who appear to be so absolutely cool, humble, and nice with you. I just don't want to be with another guy and never will!

It looks like with women and having attraction to them, it can come and go and what I care about the most is being in tune with their lifestyle decisions and personality traits. If they like to be outdoors and travel then that's awesome. There's one girl who I think matches really well with me more than just a close sister and friend. We both like each other a lot, but she's just not at the point in her life with wanting to marry and start a family with anyone yet. It might happen later on, but it seems like she just has too much anxiety and can't let go of it no matter how hard she tries. She might have a nice rack too, but I can't fantasize much about her because I know her so well. 

I think I'm actually good right now with just being friends with ladies who have large racks. Some are affectionate and some can be cautious and some can just not show any signs of wanting intimacy with you. It's just the type of person you have to come to realize that you see a very nice future with. I think my dream of being with just one lady to satisfy my soul on this Earth for my lifetime and enjoy love making regularly while being physically attractive is not that far-fetched and doable. I'm going to keep on grinding myself away and let fate lead me to meet plenty of nice, affectionate girls who I think are hot!  Hopefully, I'll settle with one of them and I'm not anxious to tie the knot so quickly. 

Making More Progress

These days I'm realizing that I'm really lucky to have a job that I really enjoy doing. I guess there are several distractions for me to deal with, but for the most part they are little things to keep me selfishly entertained. I'm finding a lot of things to be funny, since I'm totally okay with being rejected now. I'm trying to not look at things with being so outcome dependent anymore. This was probably a large reason as to why I felt negative with myself from being short.

When I look at it now, I'm not really making a big deal out of it. It still would be nice to make myself a little taller just for the heck of it though. To have a really sexy body and obtaining it from hard work, man, the thought of doing that feels really good and something I would just love to have. 

I don't think it really has a lot to do with attracting girls so much anymore because that's more about just meeting the right person. I think I'm doing okay overall and could do a little more to be fully happy. I'm not so dependent on the outcome anymore and just learning to manage my time better because I have this hope that's keeping me alive with obtaining all my greatest desires through hard work. I guess this is what I call fate and to be working with my calling from God. I am seriously meant to be who I am individually, just as it is for others, even though there are still irritating people. It's just the way with how some things are, and you just have to manage by predicting their thoughts and behaviors while adjusting accordingly to your needs and not having to be so negative about it.  

Attempt With Finding Ladies

Well, I'm writing this on the day before Valentine's so yeah, I'm ahead of schedule so this is how I'm able to keep this blog going even if I don't have much time to sit at my computer and post right now when it hits exactly at 8:00 am. It's really easy to schedule like this and do it for free which is awesome! I've studied enough to have a Bachelor's in computer science so I should be able to research something easy like that, right? 

Well enough blabber-mouthing about nothing! Let's talk about finding ladies for the straight dudes out there. I'm attending some events that are just going to have a bunch of random people showing up from all age groups. I'm assuming they are still single or I'm just going to be rejected by someone who is already taken! It's usually those ladies who are taken that they say they are taken, or are they really? I don't know and I'm not going to find out. A no is still a no, well it is when it's about having intimacy; otherwise, good luck trying to run away from facing rape charges.

I think it's all fair and on moral grounds to come to an agreement at that level, but everything else is malleable. Basically, all those crazy ladies who were moronic with me and told me to leave them alone or else they will try to kill me and then send me off to prison and then try to send me to actual hell, while being in the same order; I still have a chance to make up with them because it has nothing to do with wanting sex from them, period!

Even while facing a restraining order, as long as you behave and don't go stalking her to land in prison, it can't stay on you forever if you have good behavior and you still get to focus on your job and make money which is a whole heck of a lot better than thinking about how to deal with a stupid lady like it happened to me! Yeah, she's Crazy Lee and I hope she reads this sentence. 

Being a shorty at only 5' 3", it didn't help me to avoid a restraining order from a taller Chinese man and Thai lady who looks like a boy slightly but you can tell she's full lady- that's Crazy Lee. I think I was just fed up and stressed out about what Crazy Lee did to me and then I started thinking about how she looks like an actual man!

Willing To Put Up With Things

Ever since I attended a meetup about a month ago which discussed about neuroscience, my life has seriously been changed! I'm thinking much more clearer about my direction and open to finding the love of my life. I'm no longer really stressing about losing, if I had the best hand going into the river. It happens and as long as I keep on playing with a winning strategy, I can always bounce on back. 

It's just going to take longer of course, so consistency is the key to becoming a professional at anything. No matter what happens or was left out, it's important to not stress out about it and relax while thinking about what could have been done instead. Stress basically kills a lot of things, especially the mood to keep going after something you think is cool.

I'm feeling practically good about my life these days. I'm confident even though I know things won't always be going my way. I don't mind failing and ignoring what my parents think and just continuously keep on trying to get there.  

Just thinking about it, I really do feel that even though I'm not dating this close lady friend of mine, I do see her in person often and hang out. She wants me to move in at her place and help out with her family bills. She lives with her parents and younger sister with a mental illness. Boy, her younger sister can act like such a nuisance sometimes because of her impulsiveness and stubbornness. 

I've said some things and acted in a cold manner for her to say that I'm like a brother to her while we were traveling on the road together! This changes with her mood, but what I think helped me a lot is that I really thought about her personality and feel that it outweighs all of her flaws. She's a very beautiful person to me mostly on the inside and she's attractive since I like to still check out how big her bust is sometimes after all these years of knowing her, but I think of her as a sister, too. I really like her as well and it's mutual so this relationship is probably one of the best friendships you could have in the world.

I'm basically saying that she's kind of like a girlfriend to me, technically speaking, but we're not actually dating each other as weird as that sounds. She really does like to think about the best for me and bring up how my future wife will be happy. She's assuming that it's never going to be her, and she's happy with it while not interested in settling down like that with me or anybody I know right now. She does say that she wants to have a partner, so I might fit a less significant role like that for her right now.  

Result of Asking Girls Out

I've been mostly getting rejections, and if it's for online dating, I'm pretty much like 1 for 10,000 tries! This one person who went out with me isn't even the best match for me either, and she was trying to be all over me. I now know how it feels for a guy to be a creep to other girls, so I'm not ever getting there.

I have learned from expecting how it sucks, not becoming dependent on it; so I'm not afraid anymore and not caring. I'm just boldly going out there to where no man has gone before. It's basically me asking out girls which I was so shy to do originally with a lot of insecurities. I don't really feel much anymore, so I just don't really care how it's going to go. If it's good, meh, and if it's bad then okay and moving on. 

It's been mostly bad of course and the few good ones are really just with nice female friends. I asked out my best female friend and she said yes, and it just felt a little too easy to be honest. I feel like we're just friends, but yeah, I think we're perfect for each other in keeping the relationship we already have. 

What's Keeping Me From Finding Love?

I think the main answer to this is that I'm not really trying at all to do so. I think I came close with a super-close friendship I have with a woman today. She says that she definitely doesn't want to have any kids. She's also asexual and seeing another lady right now, too! I literally see her as my best lady pal while still liking her and thinking of her as like a sister to me. 

She tells me in person that she thinks I'm well-worth it for someone to marry. I really don't mind anymore however she feels about me when it relates to family, like being a brother to her. I've told her that I'm not chasing after her even though I can love everything about her and only because she's asexual! I'm looking for being able to have some physical intimacy with someone, so it does feel a little weird to want to keep on checking her out now. I guess this is still going to happen with me, since I've never really been with another woman. I think the excitement I'm reminded of from hanging out with my best friend regularly is about looking forward to that day I finally do get to marry my dream girl!