Pretty Much Basics

I'm really trying to read the Bible again. It seems like I have to make a huge effort to read it. There's like always other stuff trying to distract. When I do put in the effort, it's like I could fall asleep as well from the content being a little hard to understand for me.

I can't go back into the past now and try different decisions and life choices I should have made. I was totally an ignorant and sensitive person. I didn't understand what I was doing must of the time because I was just winging it. Man, that was weird from feeling disassociated with everything.

The thing though is that I've been making healthy strives and becoming more normal while comprehending certain situations. I'm totally inexperienced with forming a girlfriend and don't even know how I attracted certain women to ask me out. I guess it happens for whatever reason.

I'm actually having a lot more normal conversations with my sister now as well. I used to lead her on to a tirade and give her annoyances that would make her be a brat. Yeah, my sister has a pretty turbulent personality. When I did try to match her energy, she ended up not talking to me anymore. I was like the lead because she would never intentionally say anything around me. I think I told her a lot of times to not say anything and would bother her because of that. It turned out to be very much to my disliking because I think she was comfortable with playing the quiet game and letting me just go off with my own world and dragging her with me.

Times have seriously changed. I'm not just some quiet and slightly weird guy who tries to be nice during all circumstances. What I can say though is that God will never let any believer be tested with a trial that he or she can't handle.

Becoming Sane

Oddly from being able to have pretty good conversations with women and being able to text intermittently with them, I'm becoming a lot more sane man. To explain, I guess I'm sort of living what I've always wanted to achieve which was having a decent friend whose a girl. I wanted some girl to just connect with and have good relations to. She had to be someone pretty and around my age.

I'm just not starting to see it that way anymore. I want to be with a lady who is assertive and doesn't seem to really have anger issues like I already have buried deep down inside my heart. Having made friends with a few of those types of girls has really influenced me to be in a more loving manner.

I'm making peace with my petty conflicts starting with myself. Others can just take their time with getting back to me. It feels like the Holy Spirit might be nudging at me to visit them sooner or later.

What I Could Be Doing

I haven't really talked about much with the Bible or said something about my faith in Jesus this month. My faith still remains and it's probably one of the main reasons why I stay fighting with keeping myself pure in heart with everything.

From hearing testimonies from successful believers, it's not so odd to me anymore that they've been through hard times like I have. It's like we've all been there. Some people are those we can relate to a lot more.

I'm really starting to see that maybe people in general just have their own agenda. It's fascinating to be just blessed and use those talents and abilities honed from practice and be an active worker for God's kingdom.

Actual Goals

I haven't really written down my goals as of late because I've been just wanting to talk about other stuff. I'm just using the title as an excuse to do something else. Oh my gosh, I'm starting to have a lot of fun with stuff now.

I'm understanding women a little better these days and actually have decent friendships with them. It's not really that difficult to get along with them. I think I was just a nervous wreck this whole time and unintentionally involving myself with people who were just not going through a good time.

Yeah, I think those people thought they could get away with me from going on a tirade because they thought I was too nice. Anyhow I've always managed to get back to being a nice person with all the yelling I ever did to a person. I just never saw that stage coming from those people. I don't think they wanted to resolve an irritating situation to them that was petty while being lovely people.

Going Back To Goals

I think I need to lay off the Magic: the Gathering a little bit now. I've been playing a little too excessively. The thing about it though is that one of my closest friends is hooked on that game and I introduced it to him. I'm so happy that I have play buddy for one my best friends with a card game that I grew up with. I thought I was never going to get back into it because I had no one to play with.

I just felt like I didn't belong in the circle and out of place in social group setting. I think I was just too self-conscious about my surroundings. I wanted to be well-liked and all, so I guess I've been intending to be extroverted this whole time with my nature. I just scared myself into becoming an unhappy introvert.

Growing up T.V. was so depressing because I felt this sense of emptiness and boredom. I wanted to make some meaning out of my life and that feeling of how it was not that good while watching T.V. is something I can still feel today.

Maybe Good Time To Move On

I think this girl I like doesn't really have a boyfriend, but then again I think she's dating just one main guy. It seems like they have a special bond together and may end up getting married or something later on in life. I don't really think it's going to happen for some reason. Maybe it will though, so I could be wrong.

I'm a fan of couples just pairing and getting married and staying together to the best of their ability. Even though I like her, I think at the moment it might be in my best interest to look elsewhere. I seriously have a fun-filled friendship with her already. It's really sweet with how she is with me. I know we are compatible and all of that good stuff.

Maybe, it's just timing doesn't meet up well together but her swell sense of personality. I guess I could just continue getting annoyed and working through my own mess.

Working Out

Well, I'm basically spending my time a little bit more developing my Magic: the Gathering deck. Also, I've been working out in the mornings. I feel like from having a body that's getting stronger along with forming those cool looking abs and growing more muscle, I can be more confident about dating the woman I'm really into. I'm actually pretty cool with her right now.

I intend on keeping it that way. Those losers at that church were my unintentional guinea pigs of how to mistreat a human badly using my evil tactics and being a psychological horror to them. I'm not going to play that way with the girl I end up marrying. On the contrary, I might actually end up submitting to her because I have to. At least the whole relationship and will be based on the concept of love and affectionate attention to the spouse I would feel so blessed to be married to. I guess I have high hopes like that and pretty good feelings that have been developing over all those years. 

Keeping It Positive

It's a work in progress for me. I actually have something like a six pack showing right now. The belly is quite in right now too. I saw a guy without his shirt on and it looked like he had a six pack, but some fat was coming out. What a contradiction because I wanted to give him a thumbs up.

Anyway I'm noticing that I don't want to get carried away in some lustful attention with dating someone. I'd rather let love develop naturally with someone I meet. Currently, I just feel good about someone. Hey this is my blog, and people are reading it. I just can't blurt out names now, come on!

I'm insecure about mentioning those names on here with this blog. Oh come on, one would say? Spill. Yeah right, unless I'm filled with contempt and trying to talk bad about someone on purpose. Then people would be like "Hold that thought." Which one is better? It depends one might say, but the power of attorney with the keyboard belongs to me on this blog right now.

Maybe Like Others

I hate being impulsive and not thinking things straight through. Fortunately from being a person who likes to keep to himself, I haven't really been a creep to anyone. Now that I'm going to get even by doing the same thing they did to me. Well, okay when the situation isn't that serious. I don't really get road rage, but dumb drivers exist like everybody knows that already.

It's back to my winning attitude but being less stupid this time around and not so weird. I'm actually funny, but at least it seems sort of smart.

I Can Give A Hard Time

I know how to give some people who I feel bothered by a really hard time. The hard thing that I'm having a hard time with is not giving them a hard time. I don't want to go overboard basically because I don't want to look stupid over a situation that isn't fortunate for me, but petty.

One of my few excuses that I can fight formidably with is just being sarcastic and using humor. Actually that's not the only thing I can use. I have pretty good memory to the point that it looks like I didn't let go of it. If I couple that with humor and sarcasm and then load it up, I'm basically being a happy brat to them.

I'm not really that bad to deal with once I vent and let go, so it's pretty hard to see that for people who are struggling in life.

Solving Past Puzzle

I've pretty much made up my mind with something in my past and there's no going back now. The thing that I can bring to the table is just mainly humor. I can shout and yell all I want and act pretty bad to get my satisfaction of relieving my frustrations, but what's that going to amount to if I just keep doing that and not letting it progress.

With these personal experiences I had and what I've done to overcome them, it's actually pretty cool to report. In the past posts that I haven't really removed yet, I've been writing negative about some group of people to just make fun of them. I even messaged them passive aggressive messages to get under their throat which I successfully did. I just wasn't satisfied from all of that because my anger issues weren't going away.

I just mainly counter punched what they did to me, by doing what they did to me back at them. I've even cautioned about doing it to them as serious remarks. It's been a total game changer. I have yet to try talking to them about how I'm better than them in a funny way and feel good about it. I'm only going to say that for negative things they to me that I think are too far-fetched to do back at them. Later on, it could get so bad that I do end up doing the same thing that they did back at them. I will have at least warned them, so I don't have to feel a guilty conscience about acting in that manner and still call them people who are "weak sauce."

Not Really Insecure About My Height

My height is only 5' 3" and after having consistently been around taller women in groups, I'm just starting to not put that much thought into it. Also the whole narrow-mindedness of wanting to only date pretty girls is starting to get a wee bit flimsy.

When I look at it, love conquers all! Yeah, so a person being intimate with his or her spouse is something very nice and has to come from within. I'm starting to see that, and I'm not entirely judging very heavily classed ladies who might reach well-over 300 pounds.

It's pretty much insecurities that I'm dealing with. I'm not going to be a boyfriend ever because I'm too short. Maybe not! Maybe it was just me rejecting a girl who was about 200 pounds. She was really interested in me and sort of stalking me on Facebook and texts.

I was very insecure going out with her because she's also taller than me. Maybe a heavy girl doesn't care so much about a guy being shorter than her. Wrong! She said it's about a guy who can carry himself well. I just bought her meals and she just fell quickly in love with me or sort of. I was like not interested and so insecure so things never took off.

Continuously Trying To Do This

My mind has now been made up and I'm totally confident that while I'm angry I'm still going to be able to get what I want or move on while coming up on top with some incident. Fortunately, the situations I've found myself in are petty. I can go after making intelligent conversations now.

Despite some advice from a conflict adverse person telling me to drop something and let it go, I'm chasing after something really good and there's nothing wrong with that. Since this is my blog, no one will really bother commenting on here because it's probably just a waste for people to look at in general. Oh yeah, I also removed commenting privileges on here as well, so what a drag.

This is what happens and it's human nature and is something that can be visible to be entertaining for others to marvel about. With the topic of discussions not being that serious, the emotions of going crazy don't really have to seen in that manner in likewise manner. However, I do think that those individuals I crossed paths with should really think about talking to an anger management therapist. I don't think it's healthy that they exhibit some anti-social behaviors especially when it could be of benefit to bond in a nice manner and socialize to develop into a more successful and charismatic individual. It's sort of setting yourself up for failure if you let something selfish just make you act like a boor.

Well, it would make you more likable if you could work things out. Going for that isn't really selfish and being irritated about that not happening isn't really such a bad thing after all. It's a natural human drive to work at getting along with one another and it's something that I possess.

Getting Back Into Shape

For the time being, I'm actually at the best shape of my life. Seeing a legit six pack on my abs is such a motivator for me and something that gives me encouragement. Also my weight easily drops after I gain a few pounds. I'm loving the fast metabolism that I've worked naturally hard for.

I think a lot of it has to do really do with just consistency. I must have finally got around to being a self-motivated type person. The one of the things that really helps me a lot is that I take a heavy fitness class that's just loaded with crazy and difficult exercises. I work out hard in them and surrounded by beautiful women as well. I mean it hasn't really been about the women. It's been like a healthy morning routine for me. I just do it naturally without putting that much thought into it. I'm not complaining as long as I get my work out in on those mornings.

Pretty Much How It's Going

I think I'm going to write a song about some girl named Annie to help get my mind off of her. It would be helpful to not really have to think about her. The crazy part about all this is that I think she's the root of my problem and she never really played any active role to my eyes, as strange as it seems.

Oh well. I guess I'll write a poem and try not to be lackadaisical about it.

Dear Annie,

You walked the way you should. Maybe I could have showed you the way.
Life is tough and sad as it seems. Don't cry. Don't cry.
It's the heart of the hour. Where we choose our path to the unknown.
Through the trials we are just human. Make all of this better?

Only thought you've had my love. It's tempting to rekindle.
Yet it's time to move on with our lives. Missed timings won't ever come on back.
It's just too bad. We had something going between us.
The inner souls from both of us were racing for a better enlightenment.

So let's come to our senses.
And reach for the stars.

Fixing Routine

Instead of going to work everyday, I really would like to find a really chill income source where the money would just work for me and I could just use the time to find something else to do. I would rather be sad and worried about having nothing to do while a rich man than being poor with no options!

The profession I've chosen is being a swing trader. This type of traders doesn't really need to put in that much work and maybe like twenty minutes top each day for making pretty steady income while gaming their respective markets. How is it done? Is it really hard?

All traders have their personal style and views of how they want to trade the market. Roughly, 90% of them are pretty much losers and can't really gain anything out of it. It's really difficult and that's all I can say. Finding materials to read and to polish up your trading skills is really difficult, but I have to say that I've spent a lot of money trying to hire some so-called expert to figure it out. I've been influenced by those experts but don't even know what the heck they are talking about, so I prefer to do it on my own. Well, I've learned the 2% rule and to go for making optimally at least 6% profit of your balance.

Those rules are worth like $10000 and I'm giving it away for free! It's just that it's not that easy to do, but that's the general idea to start with. Yes, it's incredibly difficult but I feel like this is really going to be my starting point of business for my bread and butter and then possibly diversifying my portfolio later into stocks, options, and other investment strategies.

Heheheh

I'm texting female friends now. They actually get back to me! Especially the girls who are more along the lines my type. Alright I just need to try to play the game of introducing myself and trying to spot that mutual attraction with the girl I think I would be into. Then, I guess it might take a long time.

This is all I'm really going to say. I really need to think more along the lines of being a better person.

Let's get this party started.
We only have all night.
You be the one to lead.
Laughing through the tango.
You just might be the one.

Making up an electronica dance song. Boosh boosh! Just kidding. I can imagine the sounds in my head.

I'm also #1 on this blog site for my job category. Oh yeah! Consistency pays and I've only averaged one post a day for the last I don't like 5 years. I'm like the only one to do that, so that makes me totally unique and deserving to give myself that self-title of being #1 on the search list for computer science bloggers. Check it out, click on my link at the top of this blog site.

Happy Routine

Okay, I think I need to put myself out there more. I don't really comfortable about approaching random women at a bar or something. I don't even want to approach her in public places if I don't even know her. I'd rather want to do introductions. I don't know, I haven't really met any pick-up artist, but it would be nice to learn a little bit. 

Okay, so I have this pretty crazy mind that seems to be calming down these days and just mellowing out. It used to be so crazy to the point that my little man complex would be going all over the place. It made me feel bad, so I tried to stop it. Man, there's all this time that I have and I'm wasting it. 

I can make something good out of it and that's what I need. I need to keep trying harder and looks like I have my limits, but I need to look beyond them and give it all I got. It's pretty fun to do the things that I'm committing myself to though. I just keep forgetting. My time management is such a wreck and I want to be on top of it.

I want to be consistent with my planning and time management. I guess I have to just accept that my feelings will be worn out sometimes and something might not feel in its right place. I'm just going to have to do the best I can and just look at it from different angles then with the least path of resistance and with natural desire. I don't know what I'm really saying. I'm just typing whatever right now. 

Basic Tasks

I think I seriously have a niche going with trading currency. Eventually, I'd like to get into trading options and stocks as well while hanging onto IRAs and CDs and other interest building accounts. I believe that's the occupation I am striving for.

With my hobbies and interests on the side, I'm looking at becoming a physician so if I'm a filthy rich millionaire then why not spend my time trying to get into medical school? I would like to volunteer to put my skills to the test and feel great about myself. I'd also like to dabble in engineering with green technology as well. My reason being, if I was stuck in a deserted island, I would want to make living as comfortable as possible for myself and other inhabitants. Also, I want to be a game programmer as well. 

Those three things are just interests and having fun basically. Time consuming indeed, but if I could get it going, it would be amazing. 

So what I have scheduled for myself to do is to be consistent in these areas: worshiping God based off the Bible, exercising, trading, cooking, and other activities. I currently have to work long hours and one of these days, I'm hoping that my trading style will pay dividends and allow me to not have to work so long like that. I'd like to have the independence to do other stuff. I do need people support so basically going through that Meetup site to do interesting stuff on a daily basis would be so cool! 

Who knows, maybe I'll meet people that will lead me someday to a wonderful future wife. Well, I do like one of my friends a lot and comfortable with wherever it turns out. I guess I can call it substantial practice to gain experience with being more smooth with the woman I intend on staying with as a family. I'm open to it right now as well and exercising patience. I just need to commit and make myself a better person. It takes time and is difficult to stay on top of, but I think I need it and will be a blessing if I could master it. 

Little Late On Delivery

I'm having problems with being punctual. I'm going back to my intuitive reasoning and now that I have more self-awareness and acceptance playing a factor, you know I think I can be at peace with everyone.

I have issues with timely delivery and being there for people. I'm still a wreck and have trouble. I'm normal these days, but I see these things and it's no good.

Staying With The Program

I understand one of my buddies, with how he had so much stress with his work and then became afraid of bad things to come. Basically, the work environment was showing itself to be not so fun in general. The bosses were acting like jerks behind people's backs and it was getting to my friend. He thought that they were out to get him just from being jealous.

My friend is done with that job and kudos to him. I've tried to recommend some therapy to him, but he doesn't want to take it and wants to just take a long vacation from doing anything. The paranoia was a game that he couldn't stand or come to terms with, so he bolted out the door. He still wants to blame the boss about stuff behind his back and talks about the same thing with how it bothers him.

I'm taking a more neutral stance now and being a supportive role. It's something different from what I'm accustomed to doing which is insulting his lack of intelligence. Yet, from figuring out what was really bothering him, I was able to patch up the relationship so quickly.

By letting it linger with those jerks assembled at a bad church, it's been unhealthy. There are so many better churches out there, and it's really my pride with my skills of dealing with people that's being tested. I seem to want to come at people when there's something wrong with our interactions. This is what I've been doing. I've been doing passive aggressive attacks directly at those antagonists and they hate it with a passion. They can't stand it and tell me to leave them alone. That's how good I've become at communicating my stuff and taking advantage with making fun of them but it doesn't look that way.

This one guy I made angry is not really someone you could be very good friends with, but the fact that I can get around it and influence him is another thing. I have the capacity to lead and keep things in a peaceful manner after all of these outbreaks. I should show these ignorant and poor fools what I'm made of.

Giving Heart

The struggles I've dealt with is all a part of life. I'm seeing that life is a lot bigger than it seems. Okay, so I might have not been so lucky in the past because I was craving for connections and didn't get them so well. I'd seriously like to have a great life and would have to work for it. The fact that I have a nice home to come to everyday and can be lazy all I want to, but choose not to be, and having liberty to do the stuff I want to do, I'm living quite a privileged life even though I could make it better.

Definitely, God should come first. With these troublesome relationships I've had, I'm really about patching the ones I still have accessibility to and forgetting about the ones I can't do anything about now. I feel more inclined to go after reconciling the matter because I believe it's great for my psyche and good experience. I might as well just wing it because I figure the worst that could happen to me is being forced to never see them again anyway. I should just be open to making more mistakes along some creative lines and to gain a working knowledge of moving forward.

The relationship with those church people was never really that smooth to begin with. They were crazy indeed and couldn't do much with me to make it work. I was so shy as nails and expressing myself in a manner that was incomprehensible; yet, in those acts, I was releasing my own tension and fears about the matter. They don't really know that, but the fact that they ended up getting worse, I was constantly doing the same thing which was talking in that manner and releasing the angry tension. I was under some dangerous assumptions that they would become cool with me, but it never really happened like that.

I was playing their game while being dumb about the whole thing. I wasn't trying to conceal anything and wanted to leave myself out there in the most vulnerable sense. I wanted to just feel normal with everything and not like some crazy tour de force who had so much burdens on his mind because of a build up of guilty feelings. If I chose to ignore those feelings while going through them and did my thing, I wouldn't really have been in trouble with them. That's all I can say really from just my own feelings and ambitions.

After all, it's human to get indignant with things people do to you and to show it in however manner you see fit. Basically, the bonds weren't that tight to begin with and they were actually weird people who were a bunch of arrogant misfits. There's no wonder why they are not that appealing to the world. They are a group that's not really meant to be that big in general and there's this sense of blindness about them.

I'm starting to basically wake up and smell the coffee. How I'm supposed to go about this. Being friends with that girl with restraining order isn't really a requirement for me, but I did make an oath to God that I can't back out of. It's not really that serious that I would have to recant it anyway and in a way, it's a fun motivation from my own selfish nature. Yet, I feel dull to it maybe because of the Holy Spirit working. Yet, if I choose to ignore my own emotions and go after that goal of finding relaxation then maybe I should yell my heart out with these group of people.

Needs To Wait

With all of those raw emotions of angry buildup that make me become so motivated and productive and focused with getting my goal done, I'm pretty lucky that I have it. Yet, the only thing about it is that it can seriously consume my time that would be worthy of other things. I have it in me to put the tide in my favor if I have to. I'm not going to win every war and I'm aware of that, but I at least I can make my opponent not score a perfect in that manner.

When it comes to sports and precision, yeah there are athletes who can be perfect which is awesome! Yet, when it comes to the reign of relationships, there's no such thing as perfection. With my opponent, making him or her not score a perfect, it's just a done deal and anyone can do that to each other.

I can't go back to haunt the terrified souls at that god forsaken church. It's crazy that an individual from a church would be still bothering me after all these years. It's the fact that I feel like I can make her let go of the incident because it's not that serious and that I haven't done it all those years from trying to be humble about it and struggling.

I might unleash the inner beast that I was holding back at her this time around. I don't feel bad about the things I did and only wronged now, so yeah, with the agitation at a high and hers also being the same, with us clashing, it's going to end up with me getting her to not care about the incident anymore because I can be pretty funny when I'm mad and with others advising me in a nice manner what not to do, that's what I really need on the sidelines. It's that type of coaching that's keeping me in check already.

My mind is already made up and it's obvious that I have the fire and drive to get this thing settled once and for all. It might really turn into a depressing situation actually.

Maybe Mean Approach

I might take the mean and not so humble approach with that girl with the former restraining order. Anger Management classes teach that if you can't do anything about it, then you should leave it alone. I see so many creative ways to work around the trivial manner and maybe I'll really have to express my true inner desires with them while yelling at them.

In K-drama, the actors do yell occasionally while have a one-on-one discussion about something. They yell out in frustration while discussing about something that isn't going well for them. They then will calm down and listen to the rebuttal or reconciliatory remarks.

I have to keep in mind that others will be watching me. If I do go off, then something is definitely not going to look right. Especially with me being the instigator and going off on the person, but like all scolds the person does end it. I'm really going to have no position of authority of this manner and it's going to look really odd and not very appealing to be a part of. It might be something people would want to excuse in a psychological fashion.

They might not and they are going to jump to easiest solution they could think of right away, which is calling the police. This is their way of trying to say that the buck stops here. For a person to keep going, it would be easy to reason that something is wrong with that person and he or she will definitely land in jail. It would be a cold hard understandably thing to do considering that the world isn't perfect and there really isn't time to afford to think so much about it.

The fact that I still got around them calling the police indicates to me that they might have run out of options here. The fact that I can work around solution by taking this mean and nice hybrid approach that I've developed from my childhood in a weird fashion might mean that I'm equipped to take on these fruitless case of hopeless nut jobs.

Recommending Anger Management

Maybe I should recommend some anger management classes for that girl who failed to extend a restraining order on me. I think the biggest drawback that I face is that I feel stressed out at the thought of approaching her to just talk about getting back in shape with her. The fact that I just stood there like a dummy and didn't do anything while she was going off on me doesn't really look right at all.

With the irritation levels so high, by me not expressing myself in that manner back at them and acting nice with them, I made them treat me unfairly.

What I'm Thinking

It's a little hard for me right now at the thought of trying to be friends with this girl. I basically want her to unblock me on Facebook, and she just doesn't want to and is going to say that I'm bothering her. Regardless, I'm still pursuing after it and not feeling really mad or anything. She's acting really bad about it. I think it's funny because why would you get serious with something like Facebook in the beginning anyway.

It's not that serious and shouldn't really be that much of a burden to begin with. The way that I'm acting isn't really that bad to begin with and the fact that she acted that way means that she's having trouble letting go of something. Anyway, I blocked her on Facebook too with another account and mentioned that to her. I did that so I wouldn't try bothering her.

Being friends on Facebook isn't such a big deal and shouldn't really matter. The fact that she probably can't at the moment would mean that she has issues with letting something not so serious go. It's that she can't really make it out and is making up reasons that has nothing to do with Facebook in general. Basically, she's not thinking straight and is really angry and can't manage it properly. Maybe, I should recommend that she go see a therapist or something. Something small like this could be an indicator that she might have problems with some of her relationships in the future. The fact that she isn't seeing something straight would mean that she isn't really stable with herself or maybe she was just born that way.

Seniority Rocks

Okay I've been inactive for a good eight days. It felt like I haven't been blogging for a long time. I even forgot that I wrote something on here earlier in the month. Yet, what I feel that I posted is like an entertaining masterpiece especially for a journal. It feels so relaxing to read what I wrote after some time passed by.

The things in the past especially if they are emotionally driven by something strong like desire, craziness, or anger are a bit unsettling. I guess that's what makes us all human then. It's the fact that I'm aware and capable of accepting my personal feelings that I can come to a better understanding of life itself.

I guess it's entertaining to talk about my past with how I got in trouble from bothering everybody. I don't really want to talk about my psychological history with just about anyone now. It's a little uncomfortable for me to reveal that while going through puberty, I suffered from manic depression. I was hearing uncontrollable voices that sounded like actual invisible people who were invading my head as well. I could talk with them in my head too and no, I wouldn't vocalize it, I would just think my words and most of the time, I was thinking somewhere along the lines of "Shut up!" or "get out".

The scariest aspect of those voices were then they kept on telling me that I'm only into boys and not girls. I felt like that was turning my world upside down.

Utilizing Time Properly

It really feels like I have this unspoken accountability among my friends. I feel like when people don't keep in check with me and I did something questionably wrong, then I'm sort of getting what I deserve. It's probably not like that in actuality.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned over these years is to just mainly have patience and confidence over the fuss that I'm feeling and going through. I guess sometimes I need like an acquaintance to coach me along. It takes awhile sometimes for me to hit it home.

Lately, I guess it's really about taking proper steps and initiating things and reaching the best circumstances as possible.

Hmm Maybe

Hmm maybe, I'm not really the #1 spot but just sharing it with a few other active bloggers. Their blogs are pretty nice compared to this simplistic version that has nothing to do with Computer Science.

Yet, I have actually been programming something. Oh yeah, I have inspiration to do well and it's cool. I've been finding that meetup.com is a great way to make friends. There are some men I've met on there who seem a little too friendly and curious about me. Whatever that means.

There are also attractive women who show up too and who can't say they don't exist wherever you go with a gathering of people. It's just that the attractive women might already have someone they are dating, so I just need to watch out for that and guard myself from getting hurt this time. I've met one of my friends on there. I actually really like her and got to meet her by chance and we just got off the right foot and it's been so fun, but she's already taken. Those emotions that I felt were long suffering but I'm over it and really still cherish our friendship a lot. I'm pretty much accepting of her and will be supportive with what she desires to do for herself.

Being able to have a chance to mature like this with a genuinely nice person I'm attracted to has been such a blessing! Hopefully an available girl for me will show up someday.

Proper Discipline

Maybe I'm centering my life around trying to just do mainly fun stuff and trying to do so much at once. I guess I want to take command of my life now and do a pretty cool routine.

One of the things I want to fix about myself is to try to not leave out a few small things. I seem to catch myself doing that a lot and it brings me to a little annoyance. I would love to be swift and accurate with all the time I spend. Yet, I'm still forgetful with a few things and that could be a little too time consuming for me.

What I see myself doing to try to fix that is by visualizing what I'm going to be and also picturing to myself that I'm in that moment. I guess that would be cool to try out then and maybe someday I'll catch everything I'm leaving out and not have to rely on a lot of experience to be perfect like that. Maybe I could gain experience already from using my imagination. How cool would that be!

Making Money

Okay, now I'm seeing that I could possibly make money with just playing poker online and trading. I guess with that I'm going to see if I can make a living with making and playing video games I suppose. Maybe I could try to be a pro gamer for just fun and try to get into helping to make a very fun video game with a company. I think that would pretty much be the life for me in terms of making a living.

For personal stuff, I guess I do want to settle with someone nice now. With a current female friend I have, she's turning out to be a great friend! I can't say much than that at the moment. I can't even say I'm in her friend zone. I just know we get along pretty well and it's fun to connect that well with her. I think we just got off the right foot with each other and has been progressing in a positive direction like that. She does mention some of my issues, and I'm just not bothered to improve upon myself. I think her influence will lead me to a happy marriage with someone nice someday.

If I can be like a successful millionaire with lots of free time and let's say that I have time to kill even with a fun wife and some kids, I just might try to pursue knowledge of a medical doctor and also trying to experiment with environmental friendly engineering and farming. Basically, just having knowledge to live a pretty self-reliant life. Oh yeah, I also need to include Jesus in the picture too.