Giving Heart

The struggles I've dealt with is all a part of life. I'm seeing that life is a lot bigger than it seems. Okay, so I might have not been so lucky in the past because I was craving for connections and didn't get them so well. I'd seriously like to have a great life and would have to work for it. The fact that I have a nice home to come to everyday and can be lazy all I want to, but choose not to be, and having liberty to do the stuff I want to do, I'm living quite a privileged life even though I could make it better.

Definitely, God should come first. With these troublesome relationships I've had, I'm really about patching the ones I still have accessibility to and forgetting about the ones I can't do anything about now. I feel more inclined to go after reconciling the matter because I believe it's great for my psyche and good experience. I might as well just wing it because I figure the worst that could happen to me is being forced to never see them again anyway. I should just be open to making more mistakes along some creative lines and to gain a working knowledge of moving forward.

The relationship with those church people was never really that smooth to begin with. They were crazy indeed and couldn't do much with me to make it work. I was so shy as nails and expressing myself in a manner that was incomprehensible; yet, in those acts, I was releasing my own tension and fears about the matter. They don't really know that, but the fact that they ended up getting worse, I was constantly doing the same thing which was talking in that manner and releasing the angry tension. I was under some dangerous assumptions that they would become cool with me, but it never really happened like that.

I was playing their game while being dumb about the whole thing. I wasn't trying to conceal anything and wanted to leave myself out there in the most vulnerable sense. I wanted to just feel normal with everything and not like some crazy tour de force who had so much burdens on his mind because of a build up of guilty feelings. If I chose to ignore those feelings while going through them and did my thing, I wouldn't really have been in trouble with them. That's all I can say really from just my own feelings and ambitions.

After all, it's human to get indignant with things people do to you and to show it in however manner you see fit. Basically, the bonds weren't that tight to begin with and they were actually weird people who were a bunch of arrogant misfits. There's no wonder why they are not that appealing to the world. They are a group that's not really meant to be that big in general and there's this sense of blindness about them.

I'm starting to basically wake up and smell the coffee. How I'm supposed to go about this. Being friends with that girl with restraining order isn't really a requirement for me, but I did make an oath to God that I can't back out of. It's not really that serious that I would have to recant it anyway and in a way, it's a fun motivation from my own selfish nature. Yet, I feel dull to it maybe because of the Holy Spirit working. Yet, if I choose to ignore my own emotions and go after that goal of finding relaxation then maybe I should yell my heart out with these group of people.