I mean to say first that I can still get mad when I'm dealing with it in person or right after for awhile. It's just that I have finally come to acceptance with how things came about. I'm a very confronting type of individual over stuff that bothers me; unless, it's like a crazy driver who cut me off and I'm probably never going to see him ever again then I have no choice but to just get it off my mind.
Well, because I'm able to do that just like a decent number of good people, it must be pretty weird then that I still hung onto negative stuff with people that I ever associated with. The problem I had is that they were coming off as rude and ticking me off even more. They didn't know that they were being rude because they really didn't know why and gave off the impression that they didn't want to care where my complaint was coming from. The thing that prolonged it is along with me being the aggressor, I couldn't communicate it honestly with them out of holding onto pride that I'm an accepting person or something like that. Therefore, I was never fully satisfied in dealing with them and left them feeling some fear with me.
When I finally came out and this wasn't about my sexuality, it was about coming out with telling individuals what I was so bugged with them about through my writing; it felt like those individuals showed some form of regret and just shut down. Heck yeah, I feel good about that!
From my problematic behavior with being afraid to come out, it led to some people thinking crazy and a few restraining orders placed upon me. I never violated any court orders and they fell out even though Lee went for an extension. It was by technicality that she lost; I physically moved to another location and she didn't know where I was. It's either that or a person was supposed to hand me a document. Another loose interpretation would be that, she probably consulted some legal advice and from what I remember, a lady got denied an extension at court and she was before us too. I think her having lost by technicality is probably what Lee would selfishly want everybody to think if it ever came out, but she's a servant of a church. It looks so bad on her because it would show she isn't that forgiving of an individual and thinking that I haven't repented or something.
What makes matters worse for Lee is that I totally understand it wasn't even serious now. It's probably a hush and/or laugh situation now if it ever does get brought up. Lee would never want to ever think about it again and she's at my peril if I want to make fun of her. It's totally on me. I'm not mad about it anymore and even with the people at that church having acted idiotic towards me. It's all good and they can be totally shamed by me if I wanted it. It would make sense then for this one guy to feel bad about how he acted with me and to just leave that church while never wanting to come back. There's another guy who comes back and forth. I really want to sock him in the face, but I can't do that to Jarred because I would get legal ramifications for being a violent punk. I'm just going to have to use words and hold him in mockery or something to hurt his feelings and I think he'll just be laughing about how mad I was. That's just how it is I suppose. I basically have anger issues still than towards one guy Jarred because I haven't properly spewed my mouth at him yet and I even blocked him on my fake Facebook account too when I didn't have to. I just don't want to go back and unblock him so I can chew him out some more with my words. Those people act all dumb and pretend they aren't reading it and maybe they aren't either. It's probably because deep down inside they knew it wasn't serious and Lee is acting this way right now too.
I basically followed legal protocol and never messaged or contacted Lee while there was her restraining order on me. After she failed to get it extended and I knew about it from visiting her church which was hostile territory (obviously, I wasn't feeling threatened coming to church grounds), I started messaging her and making fun of her and getting rid of my anger problems from coming out. She hasn't shown signs of retaliating against me. I think overall, Lee is open to reconciling with me because she has to for saving grace with her church image. Lee really has a chip on her shoulder if she ever wants to laugh about it ( I don't see why though because I can now.) because of her poor irrational decision of putting that restraining order on me. I was just smart about it and I think she didn't factor that I would be playing very smart against her and exercising enough self-control which she must have thought was out of hand for me.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
