Analyzing Something About Myself

I don't want to go out and bluntly say that I will be analyzing my own sexuality with this post, but yeah, that's precisely what I'm going to attempt! I'm definitely not gay nor am I bi. I totally feel something below when I see physically attractive ladies. Sometimes, I get worried when I don't feel enough of it when I see a hot girl, so yeah, and other times, I just let myself get distracted from feeling that buzz for awhile.

I do have something like a non-sexual partner in my life and is a lady. I have seen her half-naked a couple times when I first met her in her sports bra and another time when she took off her hiking clothes to get into her underwear just for me to take a spontaneous photo on top of one of the world's tallest mountains. I don't know why she did that while smiling, but maybe because she felt comfortable in the moment after breaking up with her ex from being really cocky about herself. She is noticeably big there but wasn't that appealing to me since I was more into her younger sister. A complex switch-a-roo has happened in that now she is the more attractive one than her younger sister who just keeps on struggling to lose her weight or is too lazy to sometimes.

She defines herself as an asexual so I am defining our complex friendship to be an asexual, open relationship since she still talks about finding her ideal partner. We both like each other enough to hang out together with just the two of us on a road trip and she trusts me not trying to take advantage of her nor catch her naked while dressing even though she worries about her body image, if I did. I like to imagine how they look like honestly and try to get some help from looking at porn. It's just feeding my curiosity and I think I have enough exposure now to think of a visual image without having to ask her and make her feel uncomfortable.

Overall, our relationship is closer than just a friendship. We're like brother and sister to one another with occasional exploration of getting to know one another and getting others to speculate if we're going to be dating. Still, the adventures we have had are almost second-to-none and I just didn't feel that romantic vibe with her back then which would have made the experience something to die for. It's basically close but not close enough so working with what you got. In the meantime, I'm looking for a sexy single lady with a sweet personality to have some actual chemistry with.