Things To Polish Up On

It looks like I'm canceling some travel plans at the moment and getting a refund. It's pretty nice because I want to save much as I can to pay off the things I owe right now. It's mainly for my vehicle maintenance and taxes I have to still file this year. I still need to pay for cheap insurance even though I finally paid off my car. It's nice to hang on to this one since I have a lot of fun driving it. I would like to learn how to work on cars so I can do my own projects for fun. 

Honestly, I think when it comes to being a Christian there really is some balance between the spiritual beliefs and physical existence that needs to take place. As long as you are able to place God first in your life then I think that's the most important thing before going for anything else. It's a matter of looking to follow our true callings practically speaking. I think I have a nice calling which is to live a joyful and meaningful life while encouraging others to be on their better side at all times and to have meaningful relationships with others. 

Trusting God pretty much takes place for me right after praying while using the Lord's prayer as a model. It's really quite effective and provides me the assurance that I have always been looking for. There really is this peace that transcends some type of understanding and something I would like to explore more about. I think a lot of it is really about understanding my struggling flesh with my daily activities which may try to replace God. I'm committed to trying not to though even if my mind is all over the place. I'm not forcing my mind and body to do something, but looking to make comfortable progress with it. Overall, it's really my faith in Jesus that is the driving factor to how I conduct myself with studying the Bible.  

So this awesome lady I have been messaging to make sure I have some accountability and who understands substantially the situation with me while slowly getting convinced by my charms and smoothness has been responding with really nice, challenging, and engaging messages in the form of devotionals. She isn't perfect by any means. She can still struggle with thinking I'm just behaving a certain bad way but not talk about it with me from trying to be a proper lady. 

Definitely, if I were to copy and paste this message for her to read then she's really not going to be feeling it with me this time. It's probably one of those social cues that I should respect even if I think it's going to be hilarious with the thought of driving her crazy. I have been so good at playing off like I don't know what I'm doing and just being incredibly annoying while gifted and driving others crazy because they can't control their temper tantrums too well. They are crazy and should get some help! I think I'll leave this one alone and just put it up here for my own reading and viewing pleasure for others who are thinking alike with me. 

Trying Not To Stare Into Empty Space

I basically mean not trying to waste any time and getting my things together. Honestly, I kept this G-rated instead of throwing in a cuss word that I'm sure a lot of people already know about. I'm totally trying to get all of it together. I used another word that would rhyme with it in the last sentence and amazing how it works as a pun. It's related to that swear word but it's nothing really and means poop!  

I guess my mind is dirty and thinks about a lot of naughty things but I choose to filter it out as the final product all the time. I like being this way to be honest because it feels like I'm so in control all the time. It's really dumb to say a really bad cuss word for me, since it always fills me up with a lot of guilt and makes me feel like I'm going to get a heart attack sent straight from the Lord in heaven. The Lord is truly merciful and reigns forever more! I choose to repent whenever it comes to my mind that I'm being a stupid sinner. 

Power of Acceptance and Laughter

In the past when I was struggling really badly with some negativity and personal confidence issues, I just couldn't get myself out of it and it would send me into this loop of despair which I would just sit through and keep grinding away while feeling so out of it. I think this is where I gained some form of resilience with this unconditional attitude of not giving up no matter what. In some cases, I do back off though but not entirely. I usually regroup and become so fiery in a pretty annoying way with my unassuming opponents! I didn't know what I was even doing during the good later part of my life. 

What's awesome is that I'm pretty much aware of it now. Having this acceptance during my hard times and depressing issues while thinking all of it is funny now with myself, it's made things a lot easier on me. I don't think I would have got this far if it wasn't for a Jewish psychologist who lived and helped brethren stay content at a concentration camp during the Holocaust. It's pretty haunting to imagine being a Jewish victim for back then, and I don't think I would have came out of it alive! I'm just giving homage to the doctor because I try to study the Bible and the Jews were favored by God even though He claims they can be a "stiff-necked people." 

What I learned out of it is to fill your mind with positivity and place a label on the negatives while working your way to keep on staying positive. I don't know how I was able to instantly connect with this idea but it just clicked for me. Basically my area of concern is being rejected by attractive ladies already from being conceived to be too short. Well, maybe they aren't the best for me to begin with then and maybe it's just a personal pride issue thing with wanting to be recognized by others. I'm pretty shy from being a short guy even though my mentality is pretty outgoing and adventurous while being about having a lot of fun. 

Basically from that I have learned to just accept and laugh about my flaws, if it's going to end up with me being turned down by a lady who I thought would be good with me and I happen to like her a lot. I don't know if I should give up right away either, until the pigs fly.

Current Interests

For making a living, I'm trying to focus on four things right now which are programming, online poker, trading currencies, and completing four mini-Master degree programs! I also have personal interests with studying the Bible, cooking, working out, playing the piano, and video games. A long term goal for me is finding someone just right to marry, if she's really out there. I'm sure she is, so I just need to make the time to go to her and she might not even be my ethnicity. Therefore, I might as well prepare myself to move out of my crazy, conservative parents' home!

It's pretty simple with what I'm looking for mainly and it's to make myself independent and create a lot of personal time to do fun things and enjoy life. I guess I'm not that lucky compared to others with finding my partner even though I blew some opportunities. I just didn't want to at the time, so maybe it could be just that I desire to have sex for a good while with someone attractive and then pack things up, but doing that doesn't seem right to me so I've been living this quiet existence so far. I think whenever I'm truly ready to then might as well start pursuing and not worry about getting rejected so many times. It's not something for me to get mad about anyway and so might as well keep on working on myself and just have fun while looking to fall in love with someone beautiful someday. 

It's been pretty fun over all though and taking a journey while going where I'm supposed to be headed. I've been so nervous and quiet for too long, so now putting in the hard work with a positive attitude even though things might feel a lot more duller sometimes is the way for me to go. 

Plans With Living

I'm going to flat out say that I'm a pretty rare individual with being Generation X and having grown up playing on a computer for all my life. It was my form of empty and depressing entertainment because the new stuff that developers came up with were just too distracting and expensive for my parents to consider for me. I wasn't sure how to contain this form of obsession back then, but now I understand it a lot more. I think I'm meant to be a people's person and was really discouraged early on from a couple crazy kids getting mad at me for unknown reasons and not communicating properly with me. It's that or I just couldn't see any fault or reasons in the situation and I was just interested in resolving but they couldn't do much except keep a grudge on me and stay crazy! 

It was difficult times and so it kept me from enjoying relationships with friends and playing to have so much fun which is how I grew up and still desire to this day. I have met a really cool lady even though she has her faults and is my true friend and best lady pal. We hang out often together and even though the Corona scare kept me from visiting her, she still discusses with me about coming over. I feel totally accepted by her and love her a great deal. I don't know about trying to tie the knot with her yet. I just know she's beautiful, smart, and well-deserving at this point.  

Making Progress

It looks like I kept on sticking with it even with the rut I put myself through. It was just a matter of commitment with maintaining self-control and pulling through with my best efforts while paying attention to how things are going. Maybe it's just that I have been developing some talent with playing a couple popular zero-sum games. They are highly competitive and has its highs and lows but I still enjoy it enough to want to be good enough so that it can sustain me with some comfortable income.

I'm not really going to talk about it too much anymore, since I don't want to give away my secrets that I have been working so hard on. I think it's pretty unfair to have put in a lot of work and then give it away freely from enjoying some success due to the nature of the business. It's true that some have better advantages over others and how some people in those scenarios could be dealing with some type of mental disability that keeps them from improving themselves! It's pretty much a business if you are looking at it from that perspective and they should know better or seek some help besides being so stubborn and losing a lot more money or even worse with alienating themselves from their loved ones.

I'm pretty much playing poker and trading currency to try to gain some supplemental income and will hopefully be enough earnings someday to not have to work anymore while enjoying the fruits of my labor. The very act of participating in it is pretty much the willingness to put in some consistent attention and pick up on some proven strategies that just keep on working. It's overall pretty difficult while requiring a lot of patience, but I guess if it can get fun and even with the outcome being a stinker sometimes, if it's something you are truly interested in then there's really no one holding you back except yourself and misfortune in some cases. 

Staying Updated

It's been fun to read these past posts even though some of them are really cluttered from going back to read them. I can see how I have it all- funny, weird, boring, classy, confusing, and even tasteless! I have accepted this is how it is and that if a person doesn't like it and ends up ticking me off somehow, he or she is crazy! End of story. 

I can see how I did a lot of ticking off with people too. They didn't admit it from probably not knowing about it and being crazy themselves, but they didn't have any problems with discussing how they thought I was crazy. I think I have something going somewhere here with thinking how they are crazy because they ticked me off from acting like I was crazy. It's a really connected world and I have been gluing the pieces together on this world-level playground. 

Unfortunately, we all have a common enemy to deal with and that's Covid-19. It seems like the system I'm in is starting to catch on to it, like providing enough toilet paper these days! I'm sure kids who stumble on this page to read in the later years will think it's funny, but yeah I agree with how it's something to laugh about already.

My plan has been to really talk about what my mind has set in stone, but I'm just discussing about other stuff that's coming out of my head. Anyhow, this is really entertaining. I don't really know who is reading my pages and it looks like I might have lost some of my viewership from going so rogue and tacky while looking to be tactless without being aware of any social cues. 

Basically, I can be highly offensive and still get away with it in a sense but not be that lovable when it does happen, yet it's understandable enough that my trusted lady friends can say that it's only social cues that I'm messing up hugely on when it comes to the dating life. They still ask me about my dating life though and how it's going. I guess they seem to think I have more good in me than bad so that's why they asked, or it could be the other way around and they suspect I'm playing the good guy. Who knows, since I never asked and think it's really too lame to bring up with them or maybe it's just too out of the box and uncomfortable for them to talk while going whoa, where's the boundary? I think it happened with what they were thinking because of the people I invited and how I didn't care to really notice nonverbally and left it alone while they were stressing about something. I think I have been learning more about it though.

Actually, I do have some sense of respect from just feeling it so maybe that's why I never got in huge trouble because I do respect everyone despite them not understanding why I'm criticizing them or even avoiding a gay homeless man I pass by too much who used to try hitting on me before getting really mad after rejecting his advances.

Planning Out Life In Advance

I have been really thinking about sending out a couple of these posts to that nice girl, but now I'm really second guessing myself since I feel like she isn't going to understand where I'm coming from and start thinking I'm dwelling on something that bothers her! It would probably be a better decision to think she's crazy too even if it's only minor now. I actually like her though and see that she has what it takes to get along with me as buddies and even back then I could have tried to hustle my way in and kick out her boyfriend back then from that church! Instead of me getting kicked out, I could have fought back right then and after taking control with what's rightfully mine, kick out those two girly men who were complaining to me a lot and over-excessively!

Instead of thinking about how I'm planning out my life in advance, I did a little blast from the past planning which is quite interesting and it felt so good too with those ideas I just discussed! I guess I have back my manliness and instead of holding it in from feeling so nervous and looking proud on the outside, I can look dopey all I want to and then surprise people from being quite diligent and stable!

I learned a new principle for myself that I refused to accept all my life, but now I'm just going with it. The people who tick me off are crazy! Examples include doing a lot of yelling and talking about nonsense at the same time. It just really ticks me off because they want to waste my time and not go after solving the situation because I'm a programmer and that's what we do!

Understanding Love

I'm talking about how you can easily love a crazy person who is like your family member. Sure, they can tick you off a lot or even stress you out while causing you to go on temper tantrums. I am able to write about all of this stuff because I'm a programmer and I have been writing like this for over thirteen years! Guess what, check out this blog and that's what it is. 

There's a true benefit to being a hardcore programmer and writing about all this nasty content that just burns you up inside and brings out all that rage against the machine ( couldn't resist referring to the band). You can definitely solve a problem by breaking it down like coding and running a lot of personal tests that you create on your own and then come up with something satisfying or even unbreakable in the end because that's what programmers do! 

So loving a crazy person seems impossible because the worldly thing is to act all crazy with each other and hate and then do odd things like sign up for a restraining order to put on somebody like me, which happened. Guess what, it's not on me now and I'm still programming away at my job! Yeah, Crazy Lee is my first purely crazy girl in my mind that I talked about and she's the one who put one on me and it wasn't for her, it was for three girls put together into one organism. You have to ask her about it for confirmation.

It's quite funny how she was going for multiple restraining orders and tried to package it into one silly document which was a motion the judge dismissed. She was really crazy and I too am totally flipped out about something that she despicably presented in her head and couldn't do anything about really. Well, I think I was dealing with some naturally introverted people, so they couldn't really handle me and tried to get me packing my bags and just didn't want to talk about anything. Along with that, they just flipped their handles too much and got angry at me over really nothing either. 

There are a lot worse charges out there, so now people don't want to be included in my plans from thinking I'm crazy too. At least I'm a positive thinking guy and think they are crazy back! It really doesn't matter and I just don't plain care about what Crazy Lee did to me. I also need to pray to God to not be tempted and call Crazy Lee bad names behind her back that are commonly reserved for evil and mean ladies out there. You know what I mean. I'm just entertaining myself and maybe a weird crowd out there if they are into this sort of thing. I think in real life if Crazy Lee is still making residence at that church she put as the address of my restraining order, I'll let her know that I nicknamed her in my anonymous blog that anybody can find if they know how to but I won't advertise it so love the anonymity along with strangers, I called her "Crazy Lee". I'll just call her Lee in real life and tell her that I call her Crazy Lee on my anonymous blog so that I won't feel guilty about it. I don't care how she's going to react about it since she's crazy seriously! 

Keeping It Going

I am totally starting to really understand what my life is really about now. On top of trying to keep a really positive attitude which has been pointed out by my lady friends, I guess I mainly have it because I want to and what helps me sustain it is really putting my faith in Jesus. I have learned that people are crazy or that's the label I have decided to use when they do anything that I perceive to be negative in regards to having a relationship and ticks me off. I guess if I label them to be crazy first in my head, then I don't need to become like a bunch of bungholes put together like they are already and still be in a forgiving mood whenever they want to come crawling back to me or I end up changing their minds. I'm not going to hold it against them either from thinking they are crazy! It all adds up for me and is the proper label to handle everything well for me now. 

Jesus really is the answer to all of my life's problems and dumb questions. He means absolute fulfillment and constant amazement with joy along with perseverance that comes through all the suffering. A billboard said that Jesus represents stability and to try him out pretty much, but I think he's our Savior and more than just a helper of our self-centered thoughts. Using the Lord's prayer as a model, we should be praying in that regards. We don't need to say it verbatim, but use it as a template from understanding what it's about. Well, this only applies if you are a believer. There are practically much more than a million things you could pray about while keeping the Lord's prayer in mind. I'm praying so that the crazy people won't tempt me to be vengeful towards them and to be forgiving, along with having my need met in that those crazy people won't try to screw me over or I'll have it covered already when they make their move. For the Lord's kingdom and hallelujahs, I will set aside my personal issues with those crazy people and work to be on good terms and by my standards let them constantly know why I think they are so crazy and give them encouragement to improve themselves! This is only for people around my age or people a lot older than me, except for my crazy parents or crazy relatives who seem to be acting senile! I can think in my head they are crazy so this is a way of honoring them when they are seriously blabber mouthing at me or each other. 

Working Hard And Staying Positive

I figure that life is now about living to please the Lord mainly. My view is to be like this loving and forgiving person like Jesus set out to be. I will come nowhere close to how perfect he was, but it really does give me a sense of direction. The way I see it from being reminded of how is to study the Bible and meditate on it while looking for principles to live while trying to do it the way I want to. At the same time, I'm just letting my heart open up to receiving spiritual guidance.

In a way, with our attitudes it really is self-centered and I think the great relationships are the ones where the other person just cares a whole lot for you and will go out of his or her way to help you out. I think as long as you are happy, then it means you aren't being used. It makes sense with how in some relationships out there, a person could not really be interested in a deeper relationship but more about having physical needs met. It really borders along the line of insanity, if a person lives in this manner because the impulsive centers could be out of sync and leave the person not knowing she's doing herself more harm than good. I'm thinking about someone who tries to live however she wants to, while indulging on anything that just feels good and blocking out everything else. It's like being a drug addict and denying anything ever comes bad out of it. She wants to change for the better sometimes because she's unhappy about something but lacks the willpower to change because the cycle just feels too good to stay a part of and is comfortable to accept it. 

Comparing myself to her, I never felt comfortable enough to be stuck in some sort of rut like playing video games by myself and not enjoying fulfilling conversations like I have with a couple people now. I see them like family even though we aren't related and in a sense, I feel like I have place that I belong to and can continue growing as a person while exploring things that I want to. I guess it's just for fun but I wonder if I could work on building some chemistry and to focus better on how the other person is doing. It just feels good to act like this to someone I legitimately care about.  

Working Through Things Positively

Another smart approach I'm thinking is to pretty much put in smart and positive things together with anything and then pretty much it becomes such a killer combination! This way, the old church-mongers and a few individuals who turned into crazy imbeciles with me from being so mad and jumping into conclusions; can't really say I have a grudge but I can tell them that they do!  It's a great way to turn the tables and make them feel like a bunch of losers suffocating in their own pile of dung.

Because whenever I'm thinking so mad and about to tell them what happened, I can show them that I'm highly relaxed and understanding about it and be positive but tell them that they are not and argue in that manner. I can win all arguments that I set out to initiate because I just want to and do this to the people who count the most in those instances and they can go running for cover or enlist some help but I'll be sure to make their friends laugh at them, too. This is all positive, and I can assure it for myself! 

Committing To Focus

I'm totally understanding where I'm coming from and messing up on. It's my life to focus and then forget about doing it all the time. I have a lot of trouble staying consistent and it's only mainly because I feel stressed out from just feeling stuck or bored sometimes. It's a feeling that I don't like so I keep forgetting to do things sometimes while I'm going after playing or doing something else. 

I can see where my problem lies in the world I'm in now and what I need to do to make it better. For the most part, I realize that I'm pretty smart if I focus so I can start by focusing on how not to feel bored or stuck when I'm feeling so stressed out and figure out how to go about it in a positive and meaningful way. 

Handling Things With Better Attitude

I think sometimes when you have to get something done, you just don't want to do it for any reason. I think this is the case for me a lot of times after I get back home. I wish the night was younger and I wouldn't want to fall asleep so early but I do get up very early. I think the only thing that really keeps me up right now is watching things online and even viewing porn! I'm on a roll man and not officially masturbating and I know I can perform if I had to but not going to so that's the end of the line there for me. With getting so personal about my life, that's pretty much as close as it can get so I'm sure there are other guys out there who experience something similar to porn but never bring it up because it grosses out their girlfriends. I don't have to worry about that right now, so yeah I don't know why I haven't discussed about it even sooner like maybe ten years ago when I was feeling so guilty about it!

I think it's the sense of not being married nor having a committed relationship to love that makes me want to watch some of it while still having a little curiosity and also being bored. I guess in a sense I don't agree with it because it just looks too real literally with the actual act! With the fantasy body I was drawn to, I finally noticed some flaws on it. Isn't it so weird? I still think she's super hot though and would still love to be married to a body like that, so I can be positive that I'm not super picky anymore. Actually, I don't think looks matter so much to me now. I just want to have this connection with the right lady for me now. I accept that I'm really short as well so I'm not going to be looked upon automatically as a dating option for some ladies. It's okay really, but I have noticed that some great ladies who were also beautiful in appearance showed some interest in me and three of the normal ones tried to make a straight-forward move on me. There was a lady who slyly made me her date, like I was someone forbidden for my birthday. She's a great pal and ended up getting in a fling with another man that same year and married him out of feeling so loved and calling him baby all the time! 

Two ladies have a little mental disorder to deal with but yeah, I can tell one was shy and used to like me while the other would keep on trying to hit on me sometimes while not feeling it on some days and they also hung out together with me so I understand the dynamic now. The shy one is experienced and since I'm not so much like that, she was trying to encourage the other who isn't experienced to keep on hitting on me and rooting for us. 

Overall, I just want to keep on mentioning I'm a very short man! I still noticed all of this and could have probably had some action if I wanted to think of myself as a very bad man but I never got there while feeling so awkward about having a sex life before marriage! I just want to get it all together first before I commit to a loving relationship. There is a lady who I have come to realize that I love her a lot for who she is. She has also been saving herself all this time, despite the many dates she has had the privilege of going on. We are really close like family to each other as well. I'm just accepting how I'm really short already and it's how it is since it looks like she doesn't care so much about it like I do for my own pride! I'm a little taller than her, so it could be why she doesn't mind me so much. She has even claimed before that she was shrinking! The love is pretty much there, and it's all about noticing if it's the right time and good decision to move forward to dating. 

Making Best Out of Situation

I really do want to be a neat person, but at the same time enjoy life to the fullest. I'm basically someone who can lose friends very easily if I wanted to. Despite me being a very short guy and going to be judged already by people because of it and what I accomplish, I don't think it's something for me to make a fuss about and do some overcompensating with. It's unfortunate that I struggled to connect well with some people and lost connections. It could be that I just got really annoying for some of them, and it's just life with what they had to do for themselves, even if it's really selfish. I think the way to get around it is to be the person to initiate something in a positive and really bright way that's very influential. I have plenty of that left in my tank still and I can't be everywhere at once like God while limited in this body so might as well focus on the most important things to me, while also being able to relax and have plenty of fun!

It's really unfortunate for a mentally ill person I know, and I do feel bad for her since she gets too delusional with her schizophrenic episodes and starts giving into unhealthy impulses. She is pretty much trapped in this cycle because she talks about wanting to change for the better, but has settled in with her ways. This means then that she becomes really stubborn and comes across as a rude, crazy person while feeling so angry and upset. It disrupts the harmonious flow of her family and becomes very difficult to manage since her family has a really hard time dealing with it. I'm right at the center of watching it unfold since I know this family very well. Maybe it's just one of those little things that are impossible to figure out a fast solution for, and I just want to help out even if I'm only being a small light and not going to have any recognition for it in the end. I think I'm just doing this out of love and because they are like family to me!   

Not Giving Up And Accepting Things

I can see myself accepting all the preconceived negativity that will be placed upon me by people when they initially meet me. I'm practically an unyielding worker and will put up the best fight I can and then start over with a brand new day while dwelling on the same thing if I'm still salty about it! This is probably what scares a lot of people if they have conflict with me, since I'm known to be pretty well-mannered. Well, they do know that I'm really mad since I'm not going to act out like that most of the time. Even when people are just mad, I have been known to still put up a front with them and not be scared off, but because of human nature being so twisted, they get afraid of me from not being mature about it and so mad while not realizing it there. It happens sometimes, and now I'm realizing all of this as I think on my feet which is quite nice for a change. The crazy thing is that I emulate my parents with my mom being very nosy while my dad likes to act out with a temper tantrum. With my trusted lady friends mentioning how I miss picking up on social cues and boundaries sometimes, I can see where it came from. I'm such a conflicted soul dealing with all of this nuisance and what makes it worse is that I dwell on it with negativity sometimes. It's really hard to deal with and my closest, young friends also mention it like that to me in private. 

Basically, there's really nothing wrong with me and sometimes things just don't add up and it's going to be a struggle with people trying to run away from me. The real question becomes if it's really worth sticking it out to the end and what's to come out of it! With all this turmoil and chaos inside of me, I'm just blatantly blurting out a bunch of nonsense and  along with vulgar words sometimes. I do this in front of nobody and only myself, but I know God or a guardian angel is probably disappointed in me but still loving me at least! Now that's a positive. I really want to fix this habit again and just handle all of those stressful feelings and channel out something positive out of it. Even when I'm still fixating my imagination on how poorly I conducted myself in dealing with quite literally a small group of crazy church-mongers and they moved successfully with kicking me out, at least it made my best lady pal laugh about it!   

It's mainly just setting aside my personal and unresolvable differences that cause me to feel anger for the most part and just fixate my approach in a more positive and smarter manner which is so much more healthier and gets me laughing about everything in detail that I can remember. Oh well, people are going to prejudge my appearance with mainly being short, so I'll do what I can with trying to make myself taller still even though I'm now a fully grown, short man! When it comes down to what I'm trying to do and compared to what they can't see, I like my attempts to be a whole lot better than worrying about ignorant people. There's not much that can be done and I can't really fault them either so I'll just work at trying to outsmart them in things that matter more to me because it helps a lot with maintaining my own confidence and stability. What's great is that looks don't really matter that much to me anymore, so I can probably handle people making fun of my appearance and even laugh about it the whole time anyway. The question I have is if those people care about their own appearance and are sensitive about it.  

Making Progress With Swing Trading

My efforts to paper trade the Forex market for the last couple years have started to show some consistency. It's crazy but it looks like I've just stuck with what I feel the most comfortable and have the most success with. Basically, it's the tools I ended up paying the most for and sticking onto. I don't hang on to any of the training I received from the makers. I'm just doing my own thing, so I practically wasted over 10 grand to learn how to make money on a trading platform which absolutely makes no sense to me now! I might as well have just blown it all from trying to win a lot.

I no longer feel like I have to get a piggy back ride from anyone to learn to trade successfully. It was hard enough to go through all those emotional hardships, which I still experience from playing Poker for only fun! It's crazy how even if there's no actual money involved, I still get that uneasy feeling sometimes from having lost but it is easier to laugh it off though. 

In a sense, I'm on the right track with figuring out a comfortable method that just suits me now and I'm not planning on sharing this strategy with anyone. I'm going to keep it to myself so I can stay competitive among other traders and then give back some of my winnings to the world in a different way that makes me happy. This isn't about becoming a very well recognized person, but just being able to do well enough for myself and live a great life despite me being such a really short man! A bunch of nobodies do say whatever on their minds but they are still conforming because they have to so what they think really doesn't matter, if it disagrees with your own principle of what makes you happy. Sure, I like to challenge a friend who keeps on thinking lame a lot but it's been fun to overcome it for me.    

Moving Forward To Focus

I think a definitely large part of it is to just focus on what you want to do. Sometimes, it's pretty hard to think about doing it while just having one little thing going on for you to preoccupy your time and space. I guess it's a matter of how much we value something that we are willing to focus so much on it. 

This is starting to make me think that being lazy really is a terrible sin because there's just so many things out there to catch our attention and to work on for our personal happiness. The list can just keep on going, but what is saddening and difficult to understand sometimes is how depression can set in and slow us down. 

I remember just boldly writing however I felt like with people who just ticked me off in general. The underlying thought is that I never felt any true resentment towards them, which is what they thought I was expressing with them. I'm basically a very different person and how I was complaining to them might have messed with their heads a lot. This is pretty much the realization I am coming to in that I'm pretty much saying however I feel to the person I'm mad at no matter how much it can bother or scare them and as a result, my reputation is for the majority to be neutral with me even though a few might be too uncomfortable or jealous to follow with me any further. It's like the few dislikes that a good YouTube video always eventually gets. I'm really no exception. 

Newer Understanding

I have learned from all the pent up fury I have always had with me while thinking about that silly church which ended up putting a restraining order on me, I actually think it's pretty funny now even though it's really embarrassing to really talk about it. I have learned that no matter how frustrating all of it is and how I keep on imagining with pushing them around all over the world when I step my foot back into their doors; it's never going to go away if I keep thinking like that. 

I finally decided to put into thought what I have always naturally done which is smart but something I had no clue about because I was just being immature the whole time. It's crazy how I acted the part really well but nothing good was happening inside of me from always having to be so negative and lacking in confidence. The thing that I finally got around seeing for myself with no one being able to tell me was just putting aside my unresolvable personal differences I have with that group. In addition, it's to keep on thinking positive and smarter with going after an approach. Fortunately, I think everything is really funny when I do accept this method and also, the numbers I have to deal with is small. 

This has made it a lot easier for me now to block out all the useless angry thoughts I want to express to them that are actually quite funny to me, but would still drive them crazy. I started out with making an easy move in initiating on patching things up with the nice lady who is associated with them and had a falling out with me. She's easy going and really assertive and was able to handle me throw her around for a little bit. I really do wish the best for her again and hoping while praying for her to stay healthy and everything to keep on going smoothly. 

Staying Positive Through It All

Well it looks like last week was pretty bad for me since it's allergy season. The concentration of pollen in the air was pretty high all week and it gave me a migraine. From yesterday, it's been raining so my migraine has died down from the pollen having been washed out. It feels much more relaxing now.

I'm planning to do some more purchasing this week like buying a more comfortable mask pretty much and buying my good friend her birthday present which will take awhile to get in the mail. I have been just messing around on my Switch so far which has been a lot of fun playing this one game, but I think I'm going to have to 'switch' it up again.  

My Practical and Imaginative Way of Getting Married to the Right Girl!

First off, I'm brought to some silent laughs with myself after reading the title of my post. Why? It's because it just sounds humorous putting two polar opposite words together in a sentence while expressing a commonly desired goal. I'm starting to realize now that from talking to my mom, she has continually said that I'm not the only one who likes to think my own way. 

I have to be aware of it now that people are people and I play and think just like they do. I still feel like a kid sometimes when it comes to understanding how people think. Back then, I was just dealing with a lot of nerves and hiding my lack of confidence while socializing with anyone and missing out on good opportunities with getting a beautiful girlfriend! I failed to cash in each time I could have made the move from being so shy and even these girls tried making a move on me, but I still didn't budge. 

I think it's because I just didn't get it and was more focused on understanding why I wasn't so happy and feeling so worn out all the time while lacking a direction that I wanted to indulge myself in. In this manner, this is where watching TV or playing games would feel like it's so fun sometimes and then the boredom starts kicking in and being alone all by yourself when you could go out and do something good for this world! 

Now, I believe that it's all about going after doing whatever you want while focusing really hard at it and thinking about how you are making the world a better place! My mom likes to talk about how people keep on working so hard like they are drones, but then again this is how my mother was when she had the same job for almost twenty years before retiring and letting my dad take over with paying the family bills.

From feeling lost and having lack of confidence while living and suppressing my depression, I tried really hard to keep going but I would just tire out and kick the curb all the time. I don't know how it all clicked all of a sudden for me so far, but nowadays it's nothing like that. It's a total game changer with how I see the world so much in a more positive, cleaner, and creative manner now. I wish I started thinking this way starting at the age of 10 when I was reconsidering how ladies had cooties and could instead be very delightful people to be around. Well, it would naturally still have to take its course because there were a couple annoying female classmates who were moody and mean while making fun of me out of whatever mockery they wanted to do to me. I grew out of all those concerns now so that's what matters the most to me and am laughing about it while taking it with a grain of salt! I could seriously impart some wisdom to my own posterity now or any kid I feel responsible with. 

Gradually Picking Up On Things

It seems like from the additional time I'm setting aside with staying home, I'm finding activities to do with keeping myself occupied and happy. Mainly, a lot of people like to watch something they enjoy and to be able to make money off of being part of the entertainment industry, that's a big time wow especially if you're a star! 

I'm not quite tall enough and don't really have the proper background to get noticed right away, if I ever did dream about being a star. I sort of lost that interest a long time ago when I was still impressionable. I guess I fell away from it by just picking up a remote control and watching something and then a game console controller when I became super bored of television! I would really have to like force my way in by putting my own money into it, but then it would still be a risk after spending so much passionate hours into a project I would want to devote to with making it come to life. Simply put, it's not worth it enough to me now to go for that direction.

I really like sticking to being a nerdy software developer! Hands down, it's like the best feeling in the world to dominate and launch a robust problem solving device after coding something. It feels so good to make it work and do something so efficient and amazing without having to do the leg work. I totally enjoy it!

Learning From Past Mistakes

I think a lot of my stupid and really expensive mistakes came from putting myself through emotional struggles and not knowing how to come out of it. I would end up doing something pretty reckless according to my personal standards. It might be minor though compared to what the rest of the world can come up with. It was really emotionally damaging to me and I felt like I had no real outlet and that seeking help from a therapist would even make things worse for me. It's because I wasn't depressed but just angry the whole time and willing to make a change which I realize now was meant to be for mainly positive outcomes.

I'm having a greater understanding and deeper appreciation for the things I went through and a greater awe under amazement and wonder with the spiritual things of God. There is this joy and excitement underneath me, like some heavy burden has been lifted. I'm sure that I'm not the only one whose been through these things and that there are others, just in different variations compared to my own. I sort of did all of this to myself in the end anyhow. When others I had a conflict with told this to me, it made me only more angrier which is something for me to laugh about now. I guess words can cause a rise in you sometimes, but learning to take it in has been challenging but not so much anymore.

Now that I think of it, I believe that people with mental illnesses and giving into their impulses right then and there while lashing out are being dumb and careless! I've come to better terms with it lately and capable of holding my own ground with them, but I would rather reserve this effort with those I already know, which would mean that I don't mind working at being their friends again eventually. 

Staying Hard At Work

From what I have been thinking, the stuff that made me mad in the past doesn't really matter anymore because I never had a resentment towards those things. I've always wanted to get along right after giving into the flesh and trying to beat it up so much into submission. Yeah, it's pretty funny and can be relatable to the reader with just about anything and I specifically don't know everybody's details but I can relate to my own the best.

From the lessons I have learned, honesty really is the best and there has to be some strategy to go into a battle, even if it's unintentional. A conflict is pretty much a struggle with two differing interests. For example, one person wants you to stop talking about something and you just want to keep going. The other person is pretty much saying that she has just had it enough with you and is going crazy! I did this to a lady who was really mad because I was giving her a hard time with not letting her try to just understand me? I don't recall how hot she was, but I think if I was more open to it back then, then she would have been someone to try to date. I wasn't feeling mentally satisfied about the situation with the group she was a part of and how I fit into the mold. I was so exhausted mentally and struggling to find a way with fitting in and then they became afraid of me because I wouldn't stop whatever I was doing for my own selfish schemes. It wasn't anything illegal but they felt I was holding them back from achieving their purpose of being a famous brand to the world. A little crazy if you tell me because it dealt with the life of going to a church. I never really got it because I was always to myself, while struggling with so many negative thoughts and emotions. 

Nowadays, I'm just laughing about it and loving myself better. It just turned around for me and my mental buildup just started changing for the better. I'm still a shorty and learning to live with how others will say I'm lacking in good looks while confounding them with normal or really good looking features around my body. It just goes to say that I could argue that it doesn't matter in general and doesn't make you a bad person from being labeled short, just that it's a big deal to some for whatever reasons they want to hold on to. It's not really their fault either. 

I think it's something to just dismiss and laugh about personally while learning to fend off a bunch of dummies who try to give you a hard time about it. Once this objective has been achieved, there really is some peace and sound of mind. So in a way, I don't think I'm missing out and just that she's out there and something I could do while living my single life is to work at self-improvement and keeping myself happy by accomplishing regular goals daily. 

Maybe my parents won't ever fully understand me because of how they met and married while not knowing each other that well enough and how I grew up as a person, but I'm pretty much an adult now and get to make my own personal life decisions here and accept all the consequences. I'll do the best I can to keep them positive going for myself but if some are negative then there's not much I can really do about it! The bottom line is I'm going to be protective of my interests and not get frustrated nor be a jerk about it. Basically, it's about staying joyful with whatever you are doing and being focused with making the world a better place even if there's a lot of perks going into it for yourself.  

Inspired To Focus

From reading about a famous comedian by the name of Tim Allen, I found out he used to be a Cocaine dealer and was imprisoned after being caught at an airport and pleaded guilty. He ended up turning his life around after he was paroled and patched up his relationships with family and friends and started to focus on setting and achieving goals.

I think that's a very powerful message in that it's important to have goals and to carry them out. It can be anything and it does take discipline to fully accomplish everything that's on your heart. Well almost, unless you are really unlucky about something that's probably never going to happen like wanting to breath in space without a suit. It will most likely have to be then someone's dream that he is chasing after, but this can also be a goal to live out daily!

I think it's wise to list out personal goals daily and to chase after them. I'm lucky in a sense that my goal is to fulfill simple tasks daily even though it isn't anything extraordinary and sometimes messes with your emotional circuitry. I guess this is where mental and emotional health come along. The objective is to really just focus and will yourself out of something negative like being lazy or forgetful and get to it. 

Out of discerning all this, I think if you can't achieve certain goals but still desire them right now then they are part of your dreams to achieve and shouldn't give up right away unless you have the right reasons while still managing to be happy. It's easier said than done so it's very important to be able to discern all of this. 

Finding Fulfilling Directions

It looks like all my life with everything I've been seeking, I was good enough to hang in there but I was sometimes really miserable from all the grinding I put in. It pretty much would lead me to burn out and leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I think a lot of people go through this as well and some handle it better than others. 

I'm totally inspired and feel locked in to keep on doing what I'm doing now. Aside from that, I guess the biggest mystery of my life is pretty much finding a hot and loving lady to consummate marriage with. I don't think my body is really in that bad shape either even though I'm really short for an average developed man. It's a little tough maintaining positivity sometimes but it looks like I'm starting to hold it out okay.

I think the only things for me is to really keep my heart open and find any connections. If any lady doesn't personally find me to be dating material, which will probably be a lot of them because come on, women do want to have tall and handsome sons to look after them too and a lot of them naturally feel a little insecure about guys being shorter than them. I guess it would just mean that I'm just not the right person for them because of however they want to feel, and I can accept there's nothing wrong about it now from staying positive.

The truth is, it's mainly sticking to the truth, so if the physical intimacy is so good but after years pass by and it dies down, what else is there left to keep the relationship healthy and fun if there's so many disagreeable traits among each other?  Honestly, I want to try out first with being happily married to a woman who never beared a child out of passion and had a domestic partner. It would be my first as well, even though I had a few really good opportunities I let slip up from lacking confidence. I'm willing to work really hard for keeping the relationship alive. Just maybe, I might have a pretty easy opening with my lady best friend from spending time doing quality activities with her and having fun while enjoying her presence. The real question for me to find an answer to would be if it's the right moment in time while everything else is already doing good between us. 

Finding Nice Inspiration

I'm starting to see how truly inspiring it is to see a happy, talented child being a pro at something already from all the hard work he or she put into it. This gets me thinking that to be at the top of your game, you really should keep a positive attitude no matter what and just focus with a lot of hard work. This is all there is to it, and I struggled with it all my life. Only recently have I been starting to see things in a more better way for me.

When it comes to finding love, I believe that it's cool to not force it no matter what others ask you about. It's okay to stay single and enjoy life long as you can. The Bible does say that a man who loves his wife, loves himself so it can start with a man learning to love himself unconditionally and applying some self-improvement here and there for some more happiness.

The future wife for me is out there and even if some people might not wish it upon me like the good Bible-oriented Christians because they would prefer me serving God as a single man, I guess it's not really their decision to begin with. I think the how part is really trying to see the world as half-full and making this attitude so infectious that you are naturally working hard and focusing on something to help make the world a better place. 

The positive thing I see it for myself is to compete fairly with others who are in the game with me for earning lots of money and then give back some of it to help out society. It must just mean I literally have a business model of just competing while finding it to be so fun and interesting, while so flexible that I don't need to rely on others and can be the man to call the shots with the company of just one person. Maybe I can create a one-man corporation someday and make donations for my tax write-offs and get that major tax discount so I won't owe a lot to the IRS and have a comfortable saving to keep on competing while being able to enjoy and accommodate some expensive luxuries.

Getting Started

I'm a week ahead of schedule in my writing so to state that I'm not even manually on my blog to post at 8:00 am each day like a machine; well, I am relying on one to do that for me! My fake job here is to just come up with the content and put something on there for it to post. Whose kidding me, I'm just doing this for fun and like a hobby. I don't need money from this site, unlike all the other young people who are trying to make money from posting on their site. Well, good luck to them because I don't see any of them really thriving so far. If they are doing it for fun and maybe purchase a different domain name to link to it other than the weird (name).blogspot.com and is religious about coming up with creative and useful content then I can see it working for them. It's just that it's really hard to be inspired to do all those things, especially when I think most of us starting out don't really have that kind of money and time to put into it. It's pretty much like a one of a kind type of thing to do then for that really special and talented individual.

Anyway, since I'm planning to be off porn for awhile now that I've been asserted with what my fantasy body I want to be married to looks like, let's see what I'm going to do pass off my time while being bored staying at home with this whole coronavirus thing. Let's see I do have my switch and I told my close friend I would download something for her, so I might as well get to that and start installing all these games on there I haven't got around to even doing yet. I can even buy some more accessories too for organizing it better for travel. 

I could go into dance mode with playing some dancing games on my old Xbox or even try to pass a game I never played. I haven't installed a game a friend bought for me on one of my birthdays ever since I played my heart out from the last game and was super addicted to it! I also have a bunch of beach body workouts that I never use so I could do that. I could even cook some snacks. 

I can also work on some more trading and playing online poker. Yeah, there's a bunch of stuff for me to do at home besides just sleep and try to get off on porn but I'm satisfied with knowing the fantasy body I want to be married to, so I'm not going to need it for awhile now. 

Finding Good Out Of This

In a sense, this is really a necessary part of me for doing more than just venting out my frustrations. I'm writing practically with an open heart on the tablets of these web pages and care about my manners because it doesn't matter who can show up to read this. Even though I have my name blocked out by calling myself Number 1 and there's a picture of me standing next to like the mini-nutcracker soldier, I guess I already claimed I'm Asian so I gave that away long time ago and can live with that.

I'm writing in perfect English so I'm either British, Australian, American, or from like the Virgin Islands right? You know, I guess the whole aura of being exotic and unique really isn't all it's cut out to be. I honestly would like to some day be able to even though it's happened on countless occasions to see myself from third person on a photo or video and say yeah, I look so good and am confident sharing this with others.

I want to be this good looking, short guy who is very confident and isn't that full of himself like I have been known to be. I have to say that writing on here with absolutely no filters but my absolute moral sense while keeping it together to the best of my ability, it's been quite fun and very nurturing for me. I'm like the only guy on this planet doing something like this and not a lot of people know about it. It's perfectly fine for me to keep it at this low level free form of thought while feeling others could be thinking like I'm this crazy guy ranting whatever he wants to put on here while being stupid wasting his time! In a way, it has some truth to it and I've found room to engage some brain cells never woken up before and find humor out of it. In contrast, a lot of people haven't and if I say or do something sometimes then it's going to feel like some bizarre colors are being mixed together and having a petty boxing match! It's surprising to be honest, and alarming that I have to be the bigger creature from a mental and emotional view. 

Respecting Boundaries

I can just say that I had anger issues and wanted to bust people's hearts open while holding all of it back much as I can. I totally ignored their wishes and disrespected it so distastefully while doing it in a pretty odd and quiet manner. It's funny, but it scared them a ton and still gives them the creeps while they are so angry and can't let go of the grudge they feel with me. It might be a little different if I can get them to laugh though. 

I think all of that nonsense is bound to happen with pride and fury getting in the way with each other and could happen for any reason. It's just how conflict is and what's so dangerous about it is that if there's no self-control then it leads to jail time or even committing murders on fellow peers. This is the way of the devil and is evil and so demeaning and very bemoaning and while hyperventilating and so frustrating and totally illustrating! 

It took awhile and I'm totally glad I didn't pay for a therapist even though I was tempted to go from some peeps telling me to constantly. It turns out I recognized their mental issues and they wouldn't have said it if they weren't bothered so all that unwanted stress originated in them and they were really speaking for themselves. It's just that they were young and had a lot of pride to wear on their shoulders and didn't want someone directing them how to live their life. This is precisely how I was and they just couldn't understand it with me. Sometimes people are blinded and can't figure it out while just resorting to complaining because it's the easier thing to do which doesn't help with getting anything done and wastes everyone's precious time and space of memory.

When this deals with me, it's obviously always going to be different right? It's like it just depends while all the evidence from explaining about it points to it, but no you are going to object and say there's an exception because you don't want people finding out about your selfish motives and deny everything is bad and keeping all the good in there while never being able to live up to it, right?