Pretty Gross Topic

There's a friend and she's my asexual partner/ adopted sister/ friend/ half girlfriend etc. I sort of have these unexplained feelings of wanting to kiss her sometimes! I think it's gross to want to kiss your own sister, so along those lines, I have felt that way with my little sister before. It's possibly from just my hormones and being straight in general like an animal! 

I don't have any real justified means to give into those urges, so I just never bring it up with them and feel weird while they are talking to me and until it goes away. There's this normal girl my asexual girlfriend is trying to partner me up with now. She really doesn't feel like I could just be friends with her for some reason. It's like a do-or-die situation with her; I'm either dating her or just leaving her alone. 

With my asexual girlfriend, I'm cool with just being friends and hanging out and her calling me a bro which bothers me a little bit, so I'm going to get it out of my system by calling her my sister! I do think we have a very fun and special bond. If she was a true Christian and didn't call herself an asexual, then I would be trying to win her over so I could nail her plenty in marriage. That might be a little too much to say, so to say it in more proper terms; she would be the complete package for me if only she had those two things for me. Other than that, she's my asexual girlfriend who I call my very own sister. 

I guess this just means that I'm pretty much in control with these raging hormones underneath and never going to be a rapist because I want to enjoy the moment where my beautiful lady has the hots for me and is someone I'm actually married to. The main part of doing this is because of my life changing belief in Christ. There's really nothing else to it, and I'm not ashamed of my faith in him. 

Finding The Right One

There's actually an answer to all of this coming straight from my Christian faith. The answer is to pray, be patient while waiting, and focus on serving God with all you can. From a logical standpoint and even if one doesn't have any faith, it really does make a lot of sense. Let me explain- prayer is like meditating and having a full conversation with something you believe in while bringing to awareness of everything important that's going on with you. In terms of neuroscience, if you recognize the negativity that's going on and place a label on it, you can tame it. 

I still believe with all my heart in this higher being who goes by Jesus as my Lord and Savior, not some Mexican dude but the actual Christ who is referred to in the Bible.  Nothing should really be stopping me then from praying to him more often. 

With being patient and waiting upon it, there's nothing like staying resilient and not going all crazy while losing self-control and then committing some crimes! I'm just exaggerating but keeping the pace steady and walking that path to finding God's best is something that understandably can take quite awhile. 

Lastly, serving God with all you have can seriously be interpreted as surrounding yourself with the right people in your life. Serving God is something that needs to be done out of joy, so if it's sucking the living life out of you then it's not your calling. I've known a youth pastor I failed to stay in contact with and told me as a friend that he was still looking for his significant other so he could be happy to go on to the missionary field with her. Definitely, I support his desire 100% and hope he found her and is serving the Lord wholeheartedly and gladly. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

Ahhh-men.

Funny Concerns

Last Saturday, I went to a friend's baby shower and on the guest list there was a guy who put a three-year restraining order on me since I didn't contest it about ten years ago, showing up. (This is the same thing that happened with the crazy Lee, so I consider my win against her to be so much better for all the guys out there!) I basically rehearsed to myself what I was going to tell him, but when I showed up and saw him I was just relaxed and felt like laughing underneath to be honest. It really looked like he was past all of it, and I really didn't care at that point what his personal issues are with me at that moment and had a normal conversation with him. 

I feel like if I would have brought it up, he could have felt attacked by me and then get all angry and triggered at the party. His demeanor seemed okay like he was really chill at the party or really maintaining some self-control and decency. We ended up shaking hands and leaving each other on a good note. It was like a fun reunion and I'll have to see when we run into each other again. I was in high spirits and pretty much what I was going to tell him was that I never really wrote anything bad about him on this blog while messing around. The truth is that this is so but I felt like writing crudely to laugh off my annoyance about him talking behind one of my coworker's back. I didn't know how to tell him to cool it back then because I was so shy while also trying to be a people's person so I made a self-expression of messing around while not really making anything bad off of it. It really didn't matter, so he probably had some unresolved personal conflict to settle back then. 

I was going to ask him to be more aware of his negative thoughts or feelings and get himself out of it since the person I came to like in him is how he's a pretty cool guy. I even planned beforehand what I was going to tell him if he was going to become defensive. The fact that I was ready for anything and at ease about this situation and how he conducted himself properly shows that everything came out better than I expected, since I didn't have to talk to him about it. 

He was clearly passed all of it, and this is what I hope with that church of whom I think act like modern-day, Jesus believing Pharisees. I'm really not sure if it will turn out this great but they do have strength in numbers, and it still wasn't good enough for them to successfully deal with me. 

Living A Simple Existence

I guess with whatever interests me and the time permits me to, I'm just going to go after it. I'm mainly talking about attending meetups with people. I'm not going to be so picky about being around nice looking ladies and just being able to say one word to them while shaking hands and move forward. When I talk about my short height as a short coming, it does make some girls laugh for all I care. Some ladies tell me it doesn't matter, so maybe that means they can see some good in me and accept me for who I am. 

For my own mental health, I really don't care that much with being a shorty a lot more than I used to. It would be fun to try to still make myself grow more without opting in on any surgery. That's just way extreme for me to go to lengths with boosting my self esteem. I don't think I would feel better with myself if I unnaturally forced myself to get bigger. I think it would be more fulfilling if I put work into it, so I learned about some growing taller stretches even if it gets dismissed by most out of skepticism. It's pretty hard to maintain a schedule of working on it though- that's for sure. 

I used to feel like I was losing a lot of heart underneath and having a hard time. Those feelings have managed to pass around a corner for me now. 

Developing Coolness

I've been trying to attend meetups to basically be around beautiful women. I don't really need to say something to them, but they sure are nice to just take a glimpse at. I'm more interested in having fun at that point since I'll already have been satisfied. I don't know if this really means that I'm happy with staying single right now, but it's actually cool.

From what I've been feeling, I think a girl is hot if she has a cute face from how she does her hair, makeup, and dresses while being slim and having a noticeable bosom. Theoretically, any girl can make herself appear to be hot to me if she works out and focuses on her appearance. 

For myself, I don't think I'm that physically attractive because I have a little bald spot while also being a short man. I think my face is pretty good looking sometimes though and also my body frame is not that bad. I'm trying to basically make myself look like a hot, short man now! It's probably going to be impossible, but I have turned a few heads of average looking women online with my dating profile. Maybe, I can settle for a normal girl someday who I'm lucky to have nice chemistry with. For me, trying means caring and not giving up means reaching it eventually in another form. 

It's pretty neat in that I think I have a decent, good acquaintance connection with a lot of decent and straight women in real life. Quite possibly with wanting to impose my will and go get something, I can understand now that it's not going to fly with some people out of their negativity. I don't think they really have anything to do with it now. 

Reliving A Brighter Present

It's unique with how writing something beautiful while you are happy will look so different from having a pessimistic view. It was so tough to try to be myself when people acted stupid and shut me out of their lives! I felt so disrespected and wanted to keep on voicing my opinion around them while making fun of them daily. I ended up just writing barely legal messages to them while imposing my will which made them even more irritated and put me on their social media filters! 

It's funny now because I can understand those jerks to a certain point and contain my wraith upon them. I was really feared upon from writing questionable messages even though I'm a short man at only 5 feet 3 inches. I've had to make some adjustments. It's like after I sent them a message that talked about whatever and in a negative tone with no cussing nor threats to get me in trouble, they were like this short guy is scary! 

Well, hello? I contained my anger well enough and the thanks I get from them is like a nonverbal middle finger and becoming a blocked message, permanently. All I can really do is just talk about something else, since they really get triggered and black out at that point. I never understood this, but since I'm close to a family with a daughter who has schizophrenia and she tries to come onto me sometimes and we have hung out a lot, yeah I can understand those stupid people were being crazy with me! I'd like to think deep down inside that I'm still better than them.

Striving With Something Everyday

I'm now realizing that I am putting into effort with trying to make money with something I find so much fun. It's crazy with how the thought of working on improving my programming skills is going for me. I guess I'm just frozen stiff about it or continuously procrastinating. It could be that I'm not looking very into being stressed out. 

It's so weird because I sort of have to push myself to work on programming a little bit and then once I get going, it feels pretty good when I finish the work. I think I'm just a junkie looking to have that joy fill up in my life consistently, and I only get it once I finish programming something and it works perfectly. In the meantime with getting there, I have to put in some willpower. This is like the same thing for me with working out. 

I don't feel like working out daily, but when I go do it, it feels so good once I finish. It's probably the hassle of warming up my engine figuratively speaking that I'm not having a lot of fun with. Maybe it's supposed to be like this because you have to understand some pains and struggles to know what ultimate glory feels like. 

I've been just trying to feel like having a lot of fun to go work out and do some programming, but I'm not. I'm not doing it consistently enough right now. At the moment, it feels like I'll put in about once a week or something like that, but I do want to take advantage of all this downtime I'm getting at work, once I finish what feels like my programming chores or helping out another work department. 

For the time being, I'm having fun practicing with making myself a better Poker player and being a swing trader. I don't have any money on it right now, but it's fun for me to do on a daily basis without putting much thought into it. I guess this would be my natural job then which is sitting at the computer and competing at a zero sum game to take other people's money. I grew up as a gamer and enjoyed dueling other players and even trying to always win tournaments, which I never did. Maybe this is why I don't have much problems with playing a common man's game to win some big money. I used to feel guilty for the longest time, but now I realize it's just one of my natural desires that I have grown up. 

Programming and working out are pretty much things I do while having to push myself into it so I can enjoy the finish. I'm still a junkie for earning ultimate satisfaction! It's just that it's going to require understanding how I'm going to have to grind for awhile sometimes to get there, so might as well prevent myself from tensing up and take my time since I'm not taking any classes anymore that truly count!  I'm really looking forward to the day I start getting it together and make a run at making some money by programming cool apps for cellphones. 

Standing The Test Of Time

I don't think I've seen nor heard those words before in like the longest time. Yet, it feels really cool! I guess I can end up laughing to myself a little like I just did now while writing this, but in a contained manner since I don't want people creeping up behind me while thinking I'm a weirdo, you know?

Laughter in this type of form I just did from engaging my personal thoughts while relaxed and even with my mind meditating naturally with no effort, feels great and something I can take ownership of! In the past, it was really irritating to do the right thing because I just didn't want to from being really selfish and trying to get back at everyone with my anger issues. I'm not set off by the same things anymore. I'm probably going to feel like crying a lot longer nowadays before I start trying to hallucinate screaming in my victim's ear and telling the person to shut up!

Feeling A Little Dry

I'm starting to feel a lot better with knowing what my priorities are. I think the main point was that the big things for my life is really about making money and trying to settle down with a single and hot lady who wants to have a lot of sex with me in marriage. I'm smiling while writing about this now, but when I go back to read it again, it really doesn't tickle my funny bone that much. I know that's just how it is, but there is that cheeky humor I have come to notice on a few of my posts, personally. 

I'm just feeling a lot more comfortable with myself, since I don't have much concern drawn by others with how I've figured out my life to live. Mainly, I think I've been pressuring myself from trying to make the little things in my life to be more bigger than they really should be. They are nice to have though certainly, but not really that necessary for me. 

I'm starting to do all the necessities that I feel are good for me now, except for committing myself to trying to program everyday so far. It's still something I know that I really like doing especially when it gets to the end game. From the way I'm seeing it, it's really just researching and looking for information and then just testing to see how it works while putting it all together. It's like sorting and organizing complicated pieces of code and thought processes that go into creating a logical thing that feels like a work of art!  Yeah, I enjoy it so I guess this is like my blue collar job for me even though it can pay nice dividends if I end up becoming really popular with consumers. Mainly, I'm just looking to have fun while doing things that I enjoy for making a living. I intend to spend time on a lot of different hobbies too, so I want to maximize the effort I put into making money.

Formulating A Plan

Normally, I would like to bring along a friend to feel like I have a security blanket while being around new people. I guess the objective would be to connect with strangers, so maybe I can leave out my best friends and introduce the new friends to more of my good friends later on as I grow more comfortable with them. Overall, it's pretty fun and I guess there's nothing to be ashamed of with just going out there to meet friendly people.

I guess my asexual partner is sort of classified to be like my girlfriend even though I consider it to be an open friendship and how she's like a sister to me. I still like her though since it's fun to go places and do something with her when our schedules align. I'm pretty much just trying to chill with her whenever I get the chance now. She does feel a little uneasy sometimes around me though, but might be from struggling with her natural symptoms that makes her suffer a little social anxiety. I'm there to be supportive best as I can, while I still go around looking for my dream girl!

My open relationship status allows me to loosely interpret that I can pick up on Magic the Gathering again with my loser high school buddy. He really set me off too many times from not showing good table manners when we dueled each other in that game. I think he's really immature still and I don't have an issue explaining my problem to him now. I can just be chill now since I've been understanding my negative emotions better. I told him that I will let him know once I have my new deck ready. I haven't put in any time for it in the mean time!

So basically, I have my faith in Jesus and the big things to carry out for me everyday and then the little things that would be nice if I did them and lastly, everything else. The only big part of me that I have on hold is finding my dream girl, since I'm at a lost right now and want to build my confidence which is a nice little thing to me. The big thing is really just trying to making a lot of money right now while doing what I want to do which is playing poker and swing trading. I'm trying to motivate myself to practice programming, but I'm feeling this uneasiness still right now even though I know that I like solving those problems. Regardless, programming is still a big part of my life that I consider to be a blessing. I'm just taking my time to factor it in now and figuring out my routine that fits like a perfect puzzle piece.

Putting Everything Together

I have decided to make my living off of having some fun from being mainly an online, Poker player and swing trader. It's basically set your own hours and work at the desktop or even on a mobile device as long as you have Internet connection while on the go. Thirdly, I want to back this up with just gaining software developing skills and looking at it from every angle as possible. 

This is basically it for me, and the way I'm going at it right now is to just keep on practicing. For Poker playing, I'm using a free app and trying to be the top 10 players who have billions of play chips. I'm reaching towards 100 million right now, so I think once I get on that weekly leader board, I will be ready to play with real money on a Poker site with the full bonus deposit that it offers. I'm going to go for being an online Poker pro since it just comes naturally easy to me daily. For the swing trading aspect, I'm still experimenting on my strategies and looking to gain a profitable edge for three months straight before I'm ready, but I'm always close to getting to it so maybe this will be the year for me now. 

I want to just go out there to have fun now and not worry about the people who I end up meeting. Hopefully, I'll get lucky to meet a dream girl who feels the same way about me and settle down with a nice family and wonderful life. I think all my lady friends believe she's right around the corner for me, so I'm not stressing it so much. It's really from just gaining confidence and working on my appearance from trying to make a lot of money and working out. I think I have the right personality for a great relationship down already. 

Lastly, I care for having so much fun with all the little things in my life. I'm not going to give up so much on it and I guess try to focus whenever it feels like it's getting negative for me and just keep on reflecting and making myself better. In a nutshell, it's about practicing to develop myself and then enjoy the riches of my life from being blessed whenever the opportunities come for me and to take hold of them as necessary. 

Putting It All Together

Basically, I've been covering how anything that bothers me is bad and everything else is good. It then comes down to taking the time to reflect on what I'm really desiring and all the positive things. Basically, it's about having as much fun as possible for me at any given moment. I'm so into all the little things in life that bring this comfort and joy. 

It's still a struggle for me, and I have to recognize that while I'm putting myself in survival mode, I would like to get out of that mindset while I'm trying to put in a lot of effort. It's pretty tough to do this, but I at least realize that I'm more into the small things than the big picture. I would just like to be happy and have fun for the most part, so maybe I could also look for this with my work while eliminating bad thoughts altogether and going after the impossible things.  

Reflecting On The Small Things

Breaking it down so far, it comes down to the big things, my faith, and then all the little things. My faith is always going to be there to stay while having its opportunity to grow more. I might be adding on more big things like maybe spending time with my dream girl if I'm lucky enough to be married to her and having lots of happy sex! I realize that saying these types of truths to get myself laughing is one of my most normal and happiest state of minds. I wish I could constantly stay in this state while being challenged by idiots! It will take a long deep breath and probably sneaking in some more without letting it be noticeable to them.

I have a lot of fun doing the small things more than still stressing out a little with making myself a programmer. I'm actually starting to feel a lot better about it. I just have to think to myself this same thought. I don't how I did it with my mind just now, but it felt so good with the thought of getting myself going to program just now. I'm not doing it because I'm finishing this post though. I really like finishing what I just started and doing it quickly if I can. Programming does take a lot of effort though and it could take me days and up to months to finish up on a significant task. Maybe this is my underlying stress inducer found in my conscious. I'm so glad that I wrote this to realize how good programming still feels for me. 

Finishing up on the little things and ahh, it feels good, I see it as hanging out with friends, cooking, going to the gym, watching basketball games right now, playing the piano, and giving into some fun distractions. This reminds me how I should be mindful of a few little things like continuing to research and plan for an upcoming trip with my asexual partner. She's like a sister to me, but I still like her since I love doing fun things with her. Plus, she's a good person and now I understand where her anxieties are rooted in and I feel bad for her too. I really want to help her out by encouraging her to overcome that state of mind by being like a brother and close friend to her. I don't really care about the sexual frustrations I have with her since that's negative to continue thinking about. I'm not going to look too far ahead with visualizing the best outcomes. 

Reflecting On My Faith

I don't really know where my faith in Jesus according to Scriptures really fits. One of the most popular verses in the Bible is John 3:16 which is cited from my memory, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only begotten Son that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." This is pretty much the gospel summed up in one sentence and was stated by Jesus himself! 

There's this Church of Christ thing going around which doesn't even mention that verse because it might confuse others with their belief of how you must be baptized in water to have forgiveness of sins. I honestly don't get how an earthly, abundant, and natural resource like water would even have so much profound meaning to a spiritual being like God that He would want it to be almost worshipped. It's really the Creator who should be worshipped over the creation and calls for it with the First Commandment of the Bible. The Creator and His Son are One and the same because only the Creator would be able to do that and the Son said to just focus on him to be saved and forgiven of all sins!  

Yet, it really comes down to some programming of their brains with these divisions I guess and accepting whatever brings them comfort, no matter how odd it may be to someone else. I politely disagree with this whole mentality of being saved by water from Church of Christ, so I won't be attending their Bible school anytime soon! In the meantime though, I should probably get baptized in Jerusalem which would be so cool since I don't remember my baby baptism. 

Reflecting On Big Things

The main thing I really want to do to make money is trading currency now and if possible, being a successful online Poker player. I'm happy enough to make money while being a nobody, so it looks like I'm a degenerate gambler in a sense that I will try to take advantage off of bad calls made by other players in my field of choice. I was playing at this legal Poker site, and it looks like risky business because everybody is anonymous. I have a pretty strong presence in any ring game right now, especially against a bunch of noobs on this free Poker app with only play chips. I've crafted a worthy strategy that really works, but I will still get beaten badly once in a while and still lucky to keep it going. 

For my poker game, I have been trapping, bluffing, and taking some unwanted hits while climbing my way up the ranks on that free app. It's not the real thing though, so I think I might leave that anonymous site alone now since I could be playing against some really good pros who have nothing better to do but enjoy some cheap thrills to pass their time. I also feel like that site could be rigged because I have been a victim of some unbelievable bad beats on it. I guess when the time permits I'll switch over to two other sites that I have played before to see which competition field is easier for me. They are the only two that is legal to play unless I wanted to compete and create my own site which I'm capable of programming but I'm not interested honestly. 

I've grown up with this mentality that gambling is bad for you, but I still do it anyway only because I can mathematically reason that with enough skill, you can make a living off of gambling on zero-sum games of your interest. It's an industry that's always going to stay with some degenerate gamblers out there, so might as well entertain myself while making money at the same time! It does require a lot of time and practice to perfect your craft. The psychological makeup is very important because it's necessary to understand how good it is to risk your money for any certain situation and then to have additional funds to back it up if it doesn't go your way. Also, learning what's good and bad will take awhile.

I think I'm the least fond of programming and only because I feel this uneasiness. However, it's sort of like going to the gym whenever I don't feel like it. If I'm brave enough to commit and get a happy result out of it, then it feels so very good! I think I just need to apply more breathing techniques and work on not giving into my survival instincts which would be to lay off of it. This is only because there's a really good reward at the end of that road and it really feels good while making me happy. It always feels good and has been like this unconditionally. I think my natural calling truly is being a software developer, but these skills I have can also apply to other fields for me as well, if I ever take up interest in them.     

In a nutshell, the two main desires for me right now is making a lot of money with this whole gambling in zero-sum games I have chosen ( swing trading and Poker) along with sticking to software development for my backbone income support; and secondly, getting married to a hot and lovely lady who wants to always have a lot of sex with me! It's really funny to me but that's just all there is to it with my main focus on life.  

Making Proper Coping Strategy

What I'm feeling underneath is this pressure of feeling a little stressed out. I want to do all I can to avoid it, but it always keeps on lingering. I just need to identify it, and it's also something I want to get myself out of while putting myself to work on doing great things. 

I need to stop tensing up and just be happy constantly while developing a satisfying work routine. Becoming so technical with my craft is probably going to be only limited to the few and brave. I think I'll be happy as long as I'm continuing to grow and experiencing a good level of success so I can enjoy my life more. For me, it doesn't matter so much if someone has more than me. I just want to have the abundance to be truly happy, and I'm willing to put in some work for it as long as I can while feeling good about myself.

I'm starting to see that possibly with my mind wandering off, it's because I enjoy doing so but then I can feel a little agitated so it's back to putting myself on survival mode. One way, I have been lectured on to deal with this uneasiness is to take deep breaths which will in turn activate the creativity area of the brain. 

I think the rough formula I have for living my life right now is identifying whether my thoughts and feelings I'm going through are good or bad and then taking deep breaths if I'm stressed to put my conscience back in good order and then realizing what I should be doing. In summary, it's identify good or bad, deep breaths if bad, reflect, and then put into action what should be done if desired.   

Things I Want To Be Happy

Looking down deep inside myself, it's really clear to me while I'm having a good laugh underneath that I want to be married to a hot and nice lady who is sexually attracted to me and wants to get it off a lot with her husband! I'm not even worried about how many babies will come out of it, but I just know the love making part would be very fun and satisfying to do regularly, if she's the one. I haven't found the right one yet, so maybe if she's better looking than a sexy porn star then I guess millions of other guys will feel the same way I do with her. Men are such visually stimulated creatures, whereas some women will continue to age nicely. 

It is really challenging, but now thanks to a successful guru sharing his knowledge for free with a master class I attended, it's so easy to realize that the mind can either be in a distressed or happy state. It's so black and white while not being under the influence of any chemicals. The challenge is about recognizing your state of mind when anything negative comes into it while changing it back into happy and secure, which is basically all the positive things.

Aside from working on finding my dream girl to be with, I want to be rich off of my currency trading. For my regular business of choice, I want to be a software developer and heading into mobile apps. I want to be skilled enough to also design the cool apps.  I think software developing is something I just enjoy doing and would be so fulfilling for me to develop something that would deliver a knockout. 

A very important part of me is that I want to connect with others while doing fun things. This is something I would like to consistently keep up with, until I settle for a mate. Also, I want to work out and see some muscle definition around my body while not being fat at all. 

It would have been nice if I understood all these things is what I would go on to like during my tender years of puberty. However, I'm now 36 and thinking like a 20 year old with big dreams again. Boy, I have to now look for some maturity in the ladies I want to date in addition to being hot, so I can just fall in love easily if they respond nicely to my requests. Undoubtedly so, my faith in Jesus plays a big role to how I want to live the traditional life of saving myself for marriage.  

What I Really Like Doing

It's a no-brainer to this question for myself in that I enjoy having a lot of fun! Having fun for me equates to being in a happy state of mind. I'm sure it's like this as well for lots of people and is a wonderful state of mind to be in. This might be why you hear the saying that kids are the most happy. I just lost my train of thought but what's awesome is that I'm totally aware of it now, along with my feelings. It's really helpful and maybe the way I'm really conducting myself is because I seriously enjoy being this way, along with the mental programming I have done for myself.

Something that I want to add is that figuring out how to program something and making it happen is really fun for me and to make a living out of it would be amazing. The elation and thrills I get out of completing challenging programming problems is sensational. I'm willing to work it out and put a lot of thought into it with making all the puzzle pieces fit. In a way, it's also competitive and weird in that you sort of have to be lucky at the right time with the skill set to be making a lot of money in this field.  

I'm gradually chugging along and finishing off my adversaries to the point that they run away from me. Mainly, I'm just sending them messages and they are doing their best to ignore them. What's crazy is that I don't have much confrontation from nice people, so little abnormality in others could mean bad if these people are on a bad trip because they took in some details and stressed out about it too much to the point that their brain waves are in survival mode while doing negative things via reaction. Yes, it's definitely not the way to go to succeed and unfortunately, the normal brain will probably behave like this 70% of the time. That's why it's really important to be aware of our state of mind. The ones who really can't are pretty much crazy, and I notice this even in friends who I like. 

Liking someone regardless of him or her being a meany or crazy is a very positive and good feeling too. It's nothing to be really ashamed about. It's basically about being calm and in a productive mode while activating the prefrontal cortex of our brains and trying to eliminate the mental blockers. I'm pretty fortunate from having written on this anonymous blog for awhile, since I'm already practicing self-awareness and probably in a very intelligent manner by putting this in colloquial form.  It's definitely one of the main reasons why I'm able to buy into this whole neuroscience thing and go for applying it to be so successful.

All The Main Desires I Can Focus On

It's pretty simple with what my inner man wants. I want to be athletic and dominant with everything in life over others. I say this with a smile and there's really no frown so this is one of my good states of mind I'm in right now. It feels so good to be doing well for me, and I want to continue in that excellent path. 

What challenges me is pretty much my sensitive emotions. When I get mad, I can start be all about hollering and trying to put a lid on it, so I end up writing passionate messages and send it directly to their face so that it makes me laugh to put me back in executive mode again. I'm definitely going to bump some heads and form some rivalries along with adversaries because I still want to be friends right after I'm back to laughing again. I'm playing an unnecessary role with putting my adversaries into fight mode against me. Yet, making peace with them and finding resolution has always been one of my utmost desires while always staying at ease. It's hard to do this when they are yelling and ridiculing you while you are trying to be just calm and curious about the situation. 

I think they don't realize it for themselves at that time and just have seriously gone crazy over really nothing too. I guess this is where people might say to be the bigger person, and I totally agree. I messaged one of my nice readers, who is a lady and doesn't want to be Facebook friends, that in order to achieve peace among others, one must be aware of his thoughts and feelings and be in a happy state of mind. I have made the decision to go through these guys' hostilities and make things right because it's really just one of those things I truly desire. It feels really good knowing this about myself, so I just need to keep myself in an executive state of mind while encountering them. 

Applying Valuable And Simple Knowledge

What I've managed to learn something yesterday is really powerful and simple. First of all, I had an open mind with coming to a meeting which was the topic of applying a little neuroscience to improve one's own life. The result is my conclusion with how it's really simple in that the brain has two modes: survival and executive. The mind is either dealing with some stress or having a really good time! The productivity happens when we get our focus off of our survival instincts and start engaging in thoughts that feel good. 

There's really a lot more to it, but that's pretty much the gist of it. A lot of good things can happen from just tapping into the prefrontal cortex (PFC) which comes from entering into the executive mode. Still, the mind will constantly be doing battle with survival mode about 70% of the time on average. It's just from how we have programmed our brains. First off, it's really taking notice of our good and bad thoughts and feelings while putting a label on the bad ones and trying to constantly stay at a good state of mind.

I've found that laughter is helping me get over my negative states of mind now while recognizing it. Like for instance, I feel sorrowful underneath from being short sometimes and I know it while pushing myself to get out of the state. From coming to recognition with the hard time I was giving myself, I ended up just laughing about it. When I'm laughing, it feels really good so it's one of my executive states of mind. 

Basically anything that feels good is executive and bad is going on survival mode. It's really that simple and we just have to realize our thoughts and emotions and take the time to see if they are good or bad. When we get our minds off of the bad thoughts and become happy, we can tap into our PFC to achieve the impossible things that we want to do. 

Things To Work On

I think everyday can almost be like forming a New Years resolution for me. Reflecting on how I did last year with my blog posts, I managed to be consistent for once and finally managed to get all the posts to match the number of days per month. 

This year, I actually have some help from G-mail scheduling to stick my posts everyday at exactly 8:00 am PST. It's like I don't really need to limit myself to just writing like five times a day and then cooling off. I can just write whenever I want to and cool off as I would like. By habit, I'm writing about twice a day to make it convenient for me in getting to my goal of averaging just once a day! It's pretty cool how even technology can make it so convenient with working some magic.

In terms of being a professional writer, I would need a lot of the training to make myself one and don't really desire it either. I'm just doing all of this to have fun with myself. What's so nice about having this anonymous blog is that there is some accountability for me. For starters, I want to conduct myself nicely even if I can force my way into a legal loophole to start bashing people I hate and offending them like crazy, if they ever decided to read it!

I'm going to still work on exercising self-control here and being aware of my emotions and keeping them naturally in check. It was even hard for me to open up about my amorous (sexual) feelings on here! In a sense now, I think I can see myself being like a brother to my asexual partner too. I'm starting to understand her M.O. after all this time of being around her. I think she wants to like nice and really chill people who are into her and have some sort of polyamorous-like relationships with them just that it won't ever get into the sex part. She is open to dating and possibly kissing someone she finds worthwhile and probably doesn't see it as sexual and something people do at clubs while drunk to have fun. I don't go around doing that and so we won't be officially getting together anytime soon. I'm not even parading this thought around others, but she is sort of like my girlfriend. I don't act like a boyfriend around her and just trying to be encouraging while hoping underneath she will no longer be asexual. 

I think we just have our moments with complementing each other, while I hold back amorous feelings and regularly checking her out. I don't really think she has much to offer right now for me, so I'm glad I left it into something like an open relationship between us. 

Power of Laughter

What's making this blog really work for me is how even though I'm mostly dead serious about what I'm writing about, I'm actually finding room to laugh about the details. This isn't something I can really share more about from it being my own idiosyncrasy. I do openly share about it with my mom, who then goes from complaining to becoming quiet with me. I say a lot of inside jokes and my mom doesn't laugh at them while I'm holding back a ton of laughter and wearing my serious poker face.

In a sense, it's even scared my asexual partner's best friend. At this point, I'm just calling her my partner that because in a way, she is like my girlfriend and from what I know about with asexuality. I read some articles about them and even read personal answers to questions I had online written by them. I think I'm doing everything already with an asexual just like she would with her life partner. We have gotten closer, so yeah it makes sense to call her that without the official status. It's like I'm calling her my asexual partner with an asterisk attached to it. 

I've let her know only once by text how I see her and she laughed while thinking it was weird. She's told me in person that I'm a catch, so it's not like she doesn't want to be around me. Therefore, it makes sense to not convince her to go exclusive with me because I don't want to! I guess I deal with sexual frustration to her all the time, but it hasn't hindered me from making her feel bonded. I've even supported her past crushes on handsome actors or singers, just in hopes she might no longer consider herself an asexual. I continue to do so because I think she's safe to be a life partner with whether her person-of-interest is a man or woman.   

Back To Business

I went back to review a lot of the things I wrote and it looks good, but not really anything to gain popularity with. Everyone has their own problems to deal with already and probably don't want to let themselves get distracted because of giving me some attention. I'm just not that lucky in this fashion, but what I could do now is still reach for the stars and obtain it much to the ire of others who wouldn't want me to. It really doesn't matter what they are thinking though because it's really going to have no legal effect on me with my plans and how I carry it out. 

I'm basically justifying here that there's really no longer any worries about those naysayers or fools in my life. The most important thing to me is that they are not setting me off, and I'm still open to hearing them out whenever because I can handle it and still able to give them plenty of smart rebuttals whenever I want to. I think this is why everyone who turned against me and even know someone who did don't really want to stand in my way and are just letting me be myself now.

The crazy part about all of this to me is that my personality is really a type and I fit inside that box almost perfectly comparing myself to what the experts came up with! Without mentioning my age right now, when I read up on the Chinese Zodiac animal chart about myself,  it was uncanny how a lot of it related to myself. I was born in the year of the water pigs! 

I don't know if some authors are updating their description about water pigs from reading about my life here, which I'm very open to sharing right now. Yeah, but at least I do believe that I have a major struggle with what water pigs are supposed to do, which is always working hard and moving up the ladder. I find myself to take my time in this area, even though I'll always stay serious about it. It's probably a normal trait anyway for people to be lazy because there will never be too many superstars out there!   

How I'm Oddly Having Fun

I have been reading a lot of my past write-ups that answer some questions requested by people on Quora. I've been getting way more views on there than this blog site and it's like exponentially times a lot more in that I'm already nearing the 300,000 views range from only putting out 100 answers. Comparing it to this blog site, it's not much and I've been averaging with posting something everyday for almost ten years now. 

On a side note, it just doesn't make sense that I keep entertaining myself from writing up on this blog and not even being able to cash in. I guess I feel that words are cheap because even if I gave out the best answer, it's really on the person who reads it to carry it out if he or she wants to. Also, there are a bunch of other answers that will compete against me and I will be able to only carry it so far. Still, it's fun to put in my two cents because it really helps me out as well to stay organized and put things into perspective for myself. 

Working On Things

It feels like I'm seriously just riding on getting good with my trading skills. I'm constantly feeling this pressure and stress level, even though I like it with making myself a software engineer. Yeah, it's really cool and I guess I need to get better at maturing with these feelings and going after doing the hard stuff.

I think what used to really motivate me the most and feeling a little down about right now is that I left a group while developing an app with them. I'm just enjoying my personal space and additional time to go socialize with random people on a daily basis. It's fun and being near a metropolitan area like Los Angeles or Orange County, it's neat that you can count on people showing up to a meeting you are also interested in attending.

Getting It Together

The way I'm starting to see it is that, it's just not really going to matter in how my stress level is. It's going to have its highs and lows no matter what I do. I might as well just go after continuing to maintain personal confidence and working on my plans with my free time. 

This is going to be really difficult, but I'm going to try to keep on working on myself. It looks like I'm taking a friendship with my asexual partner very seriously too, so I'm trying to take good care of myself and have a decent style. She told me the other day that I'm a good catch and will make someone feel really lucky someday. I think I'm pretty happy with how our open relationship is since her asexuality would be a deal breaker by technicality. I'm just sticking around since I like having fun with someone who feels like a close family member.   

Dealing With Boredom At Work

I have been getting a lot of downtime at work here. I'm occasionally needed for doing a job to help accelerate some inspection and shipping of products but other than that, I'm just sitting around here all day while being paid a decent amount to not do much. I do provide some value to this company from understanding their ERP (enterprise resources planning) software and even able to develop features or fix bugs on it.  

I guess I'm about just riding on getting really good with my swing trading on currency and slowly developing my skills as a software developer. I want to be engaged in all parts of software development and have a keen interest for it. I think I want to go into my own personal business with it and not really look to get hired by anyone. I would rather be the boss. Still, if my skills are really nice then I could be a valuable asset for a company that needs me, in case I need some steady income to keep myself going.  

I think the boredom is going to stick around, regardless of what I go after so might as well try to make the most out of my time by grinding it out to become a better developer. I could focus on generous things I want to do for others and make those plans. I also have this blog to write in for whenever I would like to clear up my distracted mind.  

Tapping Out On Poker

It looks like with a free Poker app, I've been steadily climbing the ranks for fun. I haven't been playing that long and have already gathered past 25 million chips from beating other players. I don't plan to try to become a professional because I can't handle the gambling aspect too well. I think just playing my ways of always being a slight favorite to win the hand when I'm all in will be just for recreational purposes. In other words, I'm getting too many bad beats when I'm risking all my chips so not getting a decent string of gains to consider it something serious for me. 

In the world of Poker, it's like this could happen for a long period of time to cause losing: it's both getting setup with a strong hand and losing to a better one and also the opponent catching his card that he needs to win. This cycle can just continuously run for awhile, and there's nothing you can really do about it. Therefore, I'm labeling all of those Poker pros, who are sponsored to play in tournaments, as extremely lucky to be there doing what they love while being millionaires! I just can't stand Poker enough to hang in there with that vicious cycle of getting hammered from uncertain statistical variance. I'm tapping out and will maybe gamble up to about a couple hundred dollars occasionally, but I'm not looking to go high stakes with this. I think I'll avoid playing the real money game online now and just stick to playing for fun on this app only to stay a nobody with a little bragging rights.

Going Back To Hard Work

Currently, I'm feeling this sort of restlessness underneath me and it's preventing me from doing what I want to do. I think I just need to keep reminding myself daily with how I want to conduct myself. It feels like if I dwell too much on the past then it isn't going to be much good because there's also today and tomorrow to worry about. If I'm focusing on the past today and tomorrow, then I'm not going anywhere that I want to go. This is like the preferred lifestyle for the homeless out there who constantly show negativity and can also be comical with how they express themselves around others. They do seem to get angry when you hold a phone up sometimes around them or get too close. It's pretty weird like they don't want you to call authority to kick them out of their space they were getting comfortable with. Interestingly enough, these homeless people who have acted angry with me keep their distance from me still though.

I don't want to end up on the streets, so I would rather keep on working at a decent job even if the pay and hours suck. As long as I have a roof over my head and some food to eat, I can survive for long as I can. However, I really do enjoy programming so being a developer is fun and it's like I won't be hired by anyone so I have to go out there and get it by my own effort while hoping to stay lucky. Okay, I just need to deal with those restless feelings because it looks like whether I like my job or not, I'm still going to have them bugging me, so might as well pick something I know I end up liking after my day of work is over.  

What I Should Be Doing

Reflecting on how I let myself get carried away with watching YouTube videos to entertain myself and also read up on user comments without reacting much to them for fun, I don't think I really need to put my precious time into those things so much anymore. I guess I'm a pretty practical person and just easily swayed away from putting in hard work. It feels uncomfortable to me often, so it can be sometimes difficult to keep my priorities straight as I would like them to be. 

I want to put in the work even when I'm feeling empty inside and down and out. The only thing that I have to bring to the table now is a renewed sense of personal confidence with willingness to work hard for it! I should have kept on looking to do my trades. It's about time that I let go of playing Poker now because it's just going to be about doing fun grinding sessions while feeling sheepish with the bad result, no matter how well I put up a good fight. I don't think I get lucky enough to turn myself into a consistent Poker pro. This is exactly how I felt with playing video games in the past to those I was addicted to. It's just that it was in the name of only fun, but not getting anything back out of it except feeling good for a little bit. I think it's a little foolish now because I really do want to live my life as a rich man. I want to be a gentleman with getting there while being smart as possible, so I figure that grinding my way with boring and hard sessions of doing software engineering is the way for me to go. I'm also fascinated by it to be honest especially with studying how to make software become more efficient and looking more attractive to users by implementing some clever design. This will be how I make my living now in hopes of becoming rich, while also making myself a swing trader. 

On top of trying to be a rich man now, I'm also looking to find a hot girl to marry but she has to be really nice, sexually attracted to me and into sex, and single too with no complications. It's going to be hard finding her, since she'll be wanted by a lot of guys so hopefully I'll get lucky someday from continuing to hold out this long. I also want to feel really good about my body too while waking up, so it would be nice actually to stay fit and get the coveted six pack. I just need to push myself to get there while staying confident about all of it and being focused on keeping this a routine.  

Happy New Years Day

Wow, by the time this post comes around, we're set for a brand new year! As a kid, I remember I used to get some money from my grandparents and relatives. I would just bow to them while wishing them a Happy New Years and then get some tip from them. I always looked forward to this day because I saw so many practical things I could do with the money given to me. I would consider things to buy and a lot of this stuff while I was still a kid!

Flash forward, I see there's more meaning in being part of a family. I'm really close to a lady and her siblings now and they like to include me in their vacations. We're not seeing each other even though I consider her to be my open, asexual partner. The deal breaker for me is just that she's asexual and even justifies it by her actions. She has the gift of being single because she was just born with an infirmity that makes her focus on herself more and the well-being of her family. I am part of her family now too, and she cares about me finding a normal girl to marry so she's been trying to introduce me to her best friends who are single. 

I guess I can look on the bright side with how I have her and that she can make herself look attractive to me. It's just because of her sexuality that I can't really take the relationship any higher. I'm also making the conjecture that if she wasn't asexual then she would still be in a happy relationship right now but it appears that she might not have found the right partner for her yet. I think I'm the closest one for her at this point, just that I'm not really interested. It's pretty much an open relationship between us two. We're both okay with us seeing other people, but we'll be together to do fun platonic things, travel, and hang out while bonding.