Smooth Flowing

Living with my parents is starting to become a drag and the only reason why I'm living with them still is because I don't have enough money to buy a better house than them. I put up with them because there is enough independence for me, and they are used to me being a jerk to them. I pay my mom some rent money that she doesn't need and she puts it into an annual CD for savings. I'm paying about $840 monthly to live with my parents in a two-story house with plenty of amenities. It's not a bad savings for me and the annoying side is that my parents have distracting behaviors about them.

These distracting behaviors that I term to be annoying with my parents and not say anything to them about is because I want to be selfish and successful and them doing those things gets me caught up in their mess and keep me from going where I want to go. My dad is a pretty big couch potato and still likes to smoke cigarettes. He gets a lot of mental breakdowns and starts yelling to try to assert his dominion but he's physically weaker than me so yeah, I want to so school my dad at times from getting those psychotic feelings because my dad doesn't care about being a jerk.

Overall, I think roommates would be stupid at times too and if I ever get married, she could have some stuff that I will feel annoyed by. I already feel annoyed by this cute chick that I'm close to and also great friends with. Eventually, I want to move out of my parent's house and get a better one than theirs and find the right girl to marry and settle down with a great sex life! Yeah, that would be awesome, if it's even possible for that to last.

Final Stop

Currently, with this job place I'm at, I'm very lucky to be a part of it- it's a family business. My buddy's annoying and dumber twin brother kept on trying to make fun of me by saying stuff I couldn't make out and then laughing with a really high-pitched laughter for a few seconds. It's whatever but I've been thinking psychotic about filming him on my iPhone and uploading it to YouTube. I could title it like, "This guy!" That dumb dude couldn't find a job so he would try to bother me to get my dad who is the CEO to lend him some money. Man, that's really funny.

He would also constantly say some dumb characters on TV reminds him of me. Okay, that's cool and I don't mind being laughed at. I actually just ignored him by not saying anything and that pretty much hurt him enough to move on and not say that much stuff about me. It's like I'm not phased and he's too weak and not much of a bother. I think he respects that type of quality with me, so even though I did it thinking I was going to be a jerk, I think it's been a bonus for me in dealing with him.

 I don't intend on sticking around with the family business. I want to make it on my own. It's too hard and yeah, yeah, yeah, I already have something to work on for myself. This family business which I finally landed on after good fortune and my dad hating on me to not join this business, I can see why he held me back. He knew that I would have something against it and I would have a hard time surviving and there would be so much pressure on him to make me get promoted. He just didn't want to do all of that from not being in the mood with me. I understand.

My mom even bothered me to get a job constantly and was driving me crazy. I had emotional ties that I had trouble breaking and then I did it, I left home to find work and stayed out of the house for some time. After I got back, my dad let me into his business. I can only say that my dad was actually lucky enough to have a job with support and to be able to work so hard in it and let it build up. Pretty cool that my dad went for it in the beginning and saw enough money to be made and to support families.

I see where I'm heading now in branching off to do my own risky business with not much support either. It will be like living on the edge, but the reward would be so much greater if I come out a winner. Also, if it goes bad I will have enough experience to go back to make money and minimally pay the bills.

Overall, it wouldn't be comfortable for me unless I made God the biggest focal point in my life. Then, I would be giving credit to all the success I can obtain to the Lord and from then, I could live my life in giving to the Lord and also getting it back from Him with more blessing.

Living For Excellence

Life sucks. People can be such a pain in the neck! Notice how I dumbed down my usage of words and like a stupid person I do ***** to block out the actual bad word. Maybe I should spend a little more time with the dictionary to find a more elaborate word and to try to pass off a little dry and black humor for myself.

I feel selfish with my attempts to do well. It's a lot about being so good that I get recognized by others. I want to connect with my own friends really well and have them just continuously parade me with annoying messages on Facebook. Honestly, who would want that after awhile? That's so crazy to begin with, so what I have going on low key is pretty good and a few people really hate me for the stupid posts I put up that they unfriend me or they just don't like me for any reason I have done in the past or not too far back.

It's not about me wanting them now. I believe I have very high expectations to do so well and just set off a tirade with people's simple mindset. I mean that I'll be surprising to quite a bit of people and when it wears off after awhile, it may or may not make sense to them.

I'm just saying that my journey shouldn't really relate to any intention at all to impress everybody. If some of the things I do connect with a few people, then that's great! However, if there's nothing then there's nothing I can do about it.

I really want to give this full head on effort now to do well for myself and to be able to take care of others too. The feelings and thoughts I have in my head are just that- emotions and opinions, respectively; it's just too hard to ignore. I want to deal with the sorrow, pain, anger, and disappointments which lead me to draw my attention to simple and entertaining things. I would like to keep myself on a steady path and have all the negative energy depart from me on a regular cycle. It comes and goes intermittently.

I'm pretty much doing what's common which is watching TV or playing video games when I'm in that state of mind. I could also be putting myself into some deep and entertaining thoughts while I'm by myself; I've never thought I could do this on my own but it's been useful while I'm trying to better improve myself. Overall, I'm concluding that I need to learn to be more productive and efficient with my time. It's hard because of all of these distractions that just keep me from reaching it. Also, it can feel stressful at times too so I would have to find things that make me happy while being patient enough to work through things that are a pain. This is the area where I believe separates the average with the exceptionally great accomplishers.

I think my buddy isn't going to be successful and I'm not saying this to try to make fun of him. He's probably never going to get it from not having a great level of comprehension and thinking he's all fine and dandy still, which is probably the flaw to his masterful plan. He just wants to be ignorant of stuff going on that he doesn't care about while thinking he's the best, when he clearly is not and will have a blind level of happiness momentarily and only for it to be taken away again because he missed something or wants to blame someone took it away from him. Therefore, he can't be the best if there are those factors that keep him from maintaining his steady composure.

Finding Solace

It's really largely thanks to trying to study the Bible on a daily basis and also listening to teachings of it that go by a verse-by-verse method that I'm finding a lot better relaxation over the crazy stuff that's happened to me over all these years. It's like a bunch of negative memories that just flash back and I can't do anything about them. Obviously, it's easy to go crazy from allowing that to happen on a regular basis. I've really found that accepting the truth to all those matters has really been my resolve.

It's probably better to just let things go anyway and move on from those silly thing that happened whether you can learn anything from it or not. Having been taken advantage of or stomped on from a misunderstanding sucks a lot but we're still breathing and capable of having a life. I guess through hard work one will be blessed with however amount, but at least it can be built upon and continuously improving itself.

From talking about how I find a lot more consolation when I learn more about the Bible, I recall the pastor Chai from Hope of God church just not really connecting with me with his so-called lessons. I think they were very heavily opinionated and more focused on dealing with worldly matters rather than trying to lead or encourage us to learn how to have a better relationship with God. There was definitely some controversial stuff, like being cured of a disease through spiritual healing. Also the members liked to speak in tongue which sounds like babble to an outsider. I don't even know if it was a real language they were speaking and nobody was there to translate it, so that was crazy and felt exclusive.

There was a good girl there at that church I was really digging in the beginning, Judy. Nowadays, it's like ehh whatever but while I had those love-see dove-see feelings back then, I recall her saying that church taught expository teaching which is a big word for life-application teaching. I have to disagree with what she thought now even though she felt it really was real. They didn't really go on a verse-by-verse study, chapter by chapter. They jumped around and did topical studies and even revisited the same ones. The small group discussions weren't really spirit-filled but more about head knowledge.

This church is like a ticking time bomb and waiting to explode after something catastrophic happens to the members. They really can't dedicate themselves fully to God's principles because they have the emotional element that leads them astray. They figure what they are doing is correct and are not humble enough to examine themselves. They think they are on the right place, but all I really see them now as are just people who want to play church and be ignorant about how they could be so wrong. I proved them wrong in one area and it's affected Lee and Chai quite in some way and even Jarred and Chris and Betty and Annie. It's some of the most influential people of the church that I affected because I held back on trying to expose them for being wrong. I was selfish for holding back and not telling them the truth because I was afraid of losing them as friends. Well, that's already happened regardless of what I did and even though I tried my best. It's a lesson learned; it's inevitable sometimes about acting out in what you believe in so much and leading you to trouble. The best thing I could do for those people I'm causing to turn crazy with me is to be fully honest and have my fun with them at the same time so I'm happy and stop bugging them eventually.

Revisiting Old Times

One of my top ten posts which miraculously has better than one view from another stranger is about Betty from Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. Boy she really ticked me off and I was trying to repress it the whole time. I don't care because she admitted this. She had a brain aneurysm and used to be fat and even cut herself from being depressed about it. She started laughing while talking about all of these details and I think she's crazy from seeing it that way!

Actually, I'm laughing from writing about those negatives about her. It would explain why she would come across as a jerk to me and look like she's all lost somewhere. She even said she wanted nothing to do with me and I just kept pushing forward like an idiot. I should have let her go from then on. I had a selfish agenda underneath which I couldn't find out what it was and that drove Betty crazy and made her get a mental breakdown with me several times. It was like kicking around a lifeless horse.

To deal with my insane anger with Betty, I wrote a love song based on her. It was even more crazy and encouraged bad things to happen to Betty. I admit it that I had some psychotic emotions against Betty and wanted her to just suffer in the nicest way possible so I could eventually laugh about it behind her back. I'm now laughing heavily against Betty and it's only because I remember that she admitted to her mental problems from the past.

I officially admit that I had a falling out with Betty because I was too careless and stupid to deal with her kind. Betty turned into a brat and that's how she's going to be with me until she makes it to heaven. I hope I get there; well, I can confidently say that I will be there from believing upon Jesus as my main Savior and it isn't something ignorant I developed for wanting a security blanket.

Betty was cool in the beginning and then with all these events happening, she did a complete 180 with me and turned bad to be friends with. I'm still okay with being friends because I've been always going up on the rise. I just know that Betty isn't the ideal type of person to be friends with now and there are better people than her out there like me! Betty has like a mouth that has really shut up these days when the topic is centered around me.

Well I polished up my insane song that the world should stalk Betty with me leading the charge. Actually I had a vision of using a really hot girl to be my model for my song rather than Betty. It was loosely inspired from me being so heavily **CURSES** angry at Betty's dumb demeanor towards me.

The irony to all of this is that song has been very heavily polished and my close lady friends have said it's really good and that I should send that song over to Betty. I'll sing it someday with those lifeless losers as my audience at Hope of God Church in Los Angeles, if they are still around. I don't care if that church turns bust and I sing to no one in the end.

Creating Balance

I have a very vivid memory of my buddy and the stuff he has gone through is pretty silly from letting himself have a mental breakdown over things that barely relate to him and looking down on others. As he is getting older and we are the same age, it feels like he's degenerating because he just can't handle dealing with a lot of annoying things. He has brought up to me several times in the past that he has accepted his depression. His gains are short term and there are more down periods for him. Overall, I believe that he lacks in critical thinking  and people skills so his solution would be to avoid any possibility of putting himself in danger. He's pretty much just trying to live his life the best way he can and hasn't really put on anything really impressive to stand out. He would like to argue otherwise though but that is just for him to figure out someday why the world doesn't stand with his views. From being close to him, I was at the front of hearing some of his crazy thoughts and views. Boy they made me mad to hear them often and with him denying that there were some loose ends to his conclusions. I guess if I ever hear his thoughts again, I'm not really going to take it that seriously. If he asks me a question on what to do, I'll just tell him what I think honestly and get used to him not agreeing with me.

What my main picture of this guy I'm writing about is that from spending a day with him, he would just watch YouTube clips all day and keep himself indoors. I was the kind who wanted to go out and do stuff and I would even pay out of pocket for him to go with me. You know it was like about having a buddy to back you up. He's not the ideal kind for that because he lets himself get into a lot of thinking traps. It really figures that he would be depressed or bitter because he would be sensitive and mope about the past. At least he talked a lot about his problems with me, but it was annoying to me because he wasn't able to solve them rationally and while fully at peace. For a guy like him, he's just letting himself stress out while looking down upon others and thinking he's a little better than everybody but forcefully ignoring that he hasn't lived up to his expectations.  

For balance, it really does come down to standing on the firm promises of God found in studying the Bible which is easy to get so distracted by and not pick up much. I remember this from Annie the old small singles group leader who I did not support at Hope of God in Los Angeles. I had an unreasonable crush on her. It was really annoying because I would get so turned off by her and then wanting to blame myself for still liking her. I'm fortunate to have gotten over it. The Bible even talks about how the devil can quote Scriptures almost accurately for his own purposes, so it would be easy for any of us to be mislead by those who know what they are doing for their own agenda. I'm just saying that the devil can be right in some cases but the overall picture would be for his own selfish gain and that would screw us over in the end. Annie was correct about expressing how good it is to stand on the promises of God, but it was just an emotion and she failed to elaborate on it to encourage her small group. I should have spoke up and said "I think your time to spiritually lead us is over." I can't take the reigns though because I know I will suck too but I just know that she sucked. Annie is no longer the leader at that church and she's like a simpleton these days. She's human as she says she is and whether she degenerated or not, it's really none of my business to find out.

Girlfriend Situation

Let's see, for my candidate list at the current moment, I only have four girls to choose from. I'm really close with three of them. The fourth one is cute and she bought me lunch, yes (!), and talked about how cool it is to hang out together. She's the best on the list so far, but I'm so hesitant still from not being that sure if I should pursue a relationship with her to begin with. I just don't want to be not sure and ask. I'd like to be sure and then deal with her mess of saying stuff that could break my heart. I can get over it fast. I think one of the girls on my list actually did break my heart, but I got over it from her actually being really sweet and maintaining a cute friendship with me. I treasure friendships a lot with these girl and don't really care who is friend-zoning who if that is going among us two. Four girls is already a hand full to have a nice connection with and to communicate openly with.

One of these girls has a severe mental condition, another has anxiety issues, the most stable one of them is in a long and ongoing partnership/relationship with a guy and is cool about expressing how much she's into me using strong words like love and kissing emojis in texts (the one that broke my heart), and the best choice at the moment has never been in a relationship and it's possible we're from opposite backgrounds so that would be hard to overcome.

I think I want to increase my candidate list! Being friends is so satisfying with them and going for more like a sexual marriage would be so fun too! I really want to work at developing my ideal body more and increase amount of free time with better income from doing something I'm interested in. I know I've already found it. It's just that with this busy schedule and having some lack of discipline, I'm just hanging on at the moment and working at getting there still.  

Creating Opportunities

For this post, I'm talking about how I could approach the stupid people who refused to let something go with me at Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. First off, I don't really care anymore what they said or felt about me. Their opinion sucks in addition to being one and it doesn't relate to how I live my life anyway. I just want to showboat around them and make fun of them basically, so this brings up how I convey that to them without looking like a fool who deserves anything negative that's coming to him.

It's being full on honest with them, soliciting what I want with them, and threatening negative consequences upon them for being negative with me and even go far as already initiating it. It's about coming on really strong and creating breathing room and space to be able to tell them that I think they are stupid and them having no response to it with me.

One of these days I will and they have it coming to them because they deserve it and I don't care how bad they are going to look with it. They are just going to have to deal with it and come to an admiration to my true intent of getting along with them while having fun blowing off my anger with them by laughing so hard at them. It's just something extra to add to their already miserable lives.

It's really not that big of a deal that I still haven't shown up to their door steps! They suck. 

Putting in Hard Work for Fun

I really like this idea of doing hobbies and putting in my passion and effort and just produce something fun. It's like trying to give back and connect with people who are able to with me. A lot of the hard stuff to overcome has been about developing confidence.

Okay, the people I deliberately tried to work things out nicely with but turned crazy on are actually silly and not able to let go of something to this day. It was never really that serious to begin with, and it feels like that incident I had with them could be a small part of their Achilles' heel. I really have no problem with that anymore. It looks like all this unreasonable self-denial stuff and letting myself get mad over stuff was pretty much personal conflict from having had a bad case of bipolar disease and mental breakdown.

Despite in the mood for talking to show people up like Lee and the dumb pastor Chai at the Hope of God Church in Los Angeles, I do find myself angry quite often still to do this day and in the mood for planning what to say to them so I could just make fun of them and laugh at their face while they get more mad and then just freeze them up by using intellectual principles that make them feel depressed and like they lost and others around them in the mood for looking down upon them or laughing with me.

It really all comes down to self-confidence with proper preparation and just willing yourself to get to something. No shame if you tried your best and didn't get what you were looking for. It's something you can just keep working at and even though the door stays closed, it's not like that one person or group you wanted to belong to was the best option for you anyways. From my experience, the best option has always been to turn to Christ the Lord from paying attention to Scriptures. There's joy and peace through the suffering and the renewal of self from knowing that God has forgiven my sins and given me another chance and it's this grace that feels like I can have unlimited attempts to finally get to the right direction. God's love for everyone is so great like that and can apply to them anytime they want it.

That Feeling

It's sometimes that I get this feeling of being let down and not having anybody to do stuff with and then I feel a little bit sad. It's like my sexual energy has been zapped. I was a moron for wanting to outdo a porn star from having a date with Jill. Well, I can see how I'm so wrong about all of that. This is a cycle I'm going to have to deal with by relying on the spiritual process with Jesus. What I'm finding is that reading the Bible really does cause this change with my heart.

Other than that, repeating the same thing over again that I want to get away from is just starting to get old. I'm going to be repeating the downer stuff over again and then that gets old too. Okay I just want to type blah blah blah all day and make money with this blog. Wouldn't that be awesome for me? That's not how this world works though.

One thing that I relate my last few sentences is that an irritating guy I know talks about how great he is and has tried to get jobs while being willing to work hard. The problem though is that with the effort he puts in, it's not enough to do the required work. He's just a package handler and that's all he is really good for. The fact that he gets overtime and makes more money from it is a bonus to him. He just doesn't see that it's not going to make him rich any time soon. I guess he thinks he's making a lot of money and happy in his own world, so I shouldn't really disrupt it by dissing him!

What I wanted to state as my main idea is that when he does other jobs like the one he requested from me, I can only visually see him as doing random things like how an intelligent baby takes random blocks and tries to fit it into the right shape. He's pretty much not helping and really slow to learn so I guess if he was to work for me, I'd have to put him through a series of challenges to test him and if he was really serious enough, then he would complete them. If not, then he just wants to be lazy with me or is already giving up thinking that I won't give it to him. If he can't put it all together then he's just an angry guy who doesn't deserve to be working with me. I can just put him on ignore or keep repeating at giving him the basic task that he thinks is like the hardest thing in the world to do. Overall, ignoring the right things plays a big factor in dealing with this kid.

    

Understanding Women from Sexual View

I was curious a few days ago about what Google would turn up and I landed upon this article that makes sense, "237 Reasons Why Women Have Sex".  It's came from a book by a female clinical psychologist who interviewed 1006 women and collaborated with an evolutionary psychologist to come up with some interesting correlations.

Their findings have shown that women do it for pleasure, obviously! No just joking, it's not only that and it does include a little bit from just loving their partner while not in the mood. Based on the article, it's separated into three general things: resources, genes, and attraction.

With the attraction part, the woman can be sometimes crazy and not know why she's sexually attracted to a dumb and selfish guy. I guess it so happens that a few girls admitted to being sexually attracted to me. It's something that gradually built itself up over a short period of time and me just being a man on a mission and hiding my negative emotions at the same time. They were shorter than me and had or was with a good figure and Asian. Lee the girl who ended up being stupid and crazy with me while putting a restraining order on me so she could try to kick me out of her church while labeling me as a bad guy showed those signs of being attracted to me too, but she was taller and I got frightened into thinking she was a man when she forgot to pluck her hairs one day in the moustache area. I don't care if this offends Lee and who cares if she's reading this. She sucks!

This also ties into my belief now that being a short man like I am does not necessarily disqualify you from contributing to the gene pool. There are beautiful and hot women out there who will get physically attracted to a short man- to call that crazy or not is at one's own discretion. You have to look at the right place.

What I think works a lot is to have a balancing act going- meaning great job, great body, and great personality. It won't matter if you stand at 3 feet tall with all of that sticking out. I'm 5' 3" and I scared so many dumb farts who were around my age, so I can confidently say that I made my mark with them.

Girls are going to go "You are like my brother." "No, get away from me stalker!" "I'm too busy." "I'm not looking. Just be friends." Whatever reason and it's just a part of life. You just have to keep on fishing for the right girl. She might come eventually by persevering.

Work Out Schedule

Thanks to a cute girl I hit it really well off with, I'm now a member of the UFC Gym. They are known for personal training, but I have always been interested in martial arts. I started off with getting a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and most acquaintances think that is pretty cool. I wasn't satisfied with it and not picking up anything from practically being unable to stick with it after. It meant a lot to me to make the effort because I just got lazy and kept on going to only get a black belt. I went through all the motions while trying to find shortcuts and it was stupid and watered down for me.

Then, I joined another less known Korean ancient martial art and this one uses weapons which is pretty cool. You have the sword and the nun chucks, which I started out with. I still feel like imitating Bruce Lee with it because I picked up something from practicing a little, and I can show off like that. I can even walk in close and perform the same routine; everybody I've done it to complained about me being too close and didn't want to get hit. My instructor kept on yelling at me for basically sucking and doing the wrong steps. I'm glad he did now and pointed that out. He even threatened to lower my belt so many times.

I didn't have any more time and moved on from that after few months of practicing. Now I'm practicing at this gym and tiring myself out with cardio and trying to practice with doing different techniques. It's really fun and I want to bulk myself up and have my body stay in great shape. The coaches are pretty cool, and I'm there to learn and get a great workout. It's generally just about staying in shape and not about learning how to beat someone up, but practicing some basics doesn't hurt. I want to eventually take Krav Magav too and have fun with that one.

The only thing that I have my complains about UFC gym with is that they don't have any swimming pools. I have another local gym membership which also has an indoor basketball court too. It's pretty popular and I haven't really made any friends there. I've seen a few good looking ladies, but they just mind their own business too.

Stuff I Need To Accept

Until the day I find her, I'm going to stay a virgin!! Yeah that's right, a virgin! I'm still one and not very happy to be one. I want to get married to the sweetest and hottest girl in the world and just make love and enjoy that intimacy all day which is a pipe dream and never happening. Maybe like once or twice a week would be so fun, but yeah, it would be hard to do that considering how having sex with the same person might get old after awhile. It would get old chasing after millions of girls too and having one every night. So having sex wouldn't really be the answer to living my life. I need something that's everlasting. Everything else in this world is pretty much depressing after awhile. Well, there's one that I really seem to love and still just naturally go after, it's self-improvement. Another is interacting with people and being satisfied how I approached them especially with negative confrontations I had.

Some girls are basically staying hot but they haven't been invested in me, so I shouldn't from that go after trying to increase my sexual stamina. Basically, some girls on the web that you can search for have incredibly attractive bodies that I like and feel so turned on by but the girls aren't my singular wife to have sex with and it's likely not to happen anyway so I'm not in the position to know what I'm doing is going to be productive. I can always make this adventuresome desire whenever to put up great sexual performance when the opportunity arises out of being loved by a great woman after I'm married to her.

Using my head here, me trying to learn something off of porn is pretty much a waste of time. It's useless at this point of time because those performers are trying to entertain that crowd whose into it to make a living. I'm not really that much into it but only been wanting to last sexually going for a long period. It's pretty hard sometimes and other times, it's a cake walk.

Overall, it's all about looking out for proper setups. If one is going to try to jump the gun here and do something prematurely then he is going to experience a loss at one point and have to learn from it. I've been repeating the same mistake over and over without realizing and wanting to be better. It's frustrating and enraging but builds character somewhat at least.

Drawing conclusions, girls are going to stay hot with me and some are going to be way hotter because I just like how they look and want to experience intimacy with them in person. Having a hard time with making connections with her or finding areas that I'm in disagreement with her, I shouldn't from that still be motivated to have sex with someone like her. It's just too crazy!  There's just no point really to continue pushing more forward in any related thought after I see a very hot girl in person or media that I'm sexually attracted to and haven't made any personal connection by just the way things are.

There's not enough information for me to know if increasing my sexually pleasing ability is going to do me some good. I'm not in position to know that yet. I'm going to have to throw it out with my current setup when I'm reminded of how much I want to be this type of lover. So when a hot girl shows her stuff in a movie or I get dragged like a loser to some sex party because I'm not engaging anybody there, I'm just going to have throw out my feelings of wanting to get it on because with my position, I have nobody. I'm going to have to entrust Jesus while that moment of time is uncomfortable. The great thing about it though is that those emotional moments pass by and I'm glad to be in the Lord. Whether I continually find myself in that position to seek to improve my sexual abilities before losing my virginity in like one second, I'm going to have to throw it out and continue on with my other plans. It sucks and a pain but it's the way God has intended for me. It's not so bad after all because it does die down for me internally but it's so fun to stay engaged in other stuff that I enjoy. I need to make it happen now!

Making Best Use of My Time and Money

I honestly see myself as being able to have sex for long periods of time. Will my future spouse be up for it? I don't know. I don't really care how much the world looks down upon me because in this instance, I'm choosing to honor God's Word. I'm not going to physically have sex outside of marriage with anybody, unless I get raped obviously. Well, that would suck but I don't really count on that happening for me. I seem to be pretty intelligent and moral enough of a guy to respect situations that feel too out of hand and driving me crazy and making me so mad to still not land myself in jail, so getting raped by an inmate might not happen for me. I might instead get killed by one of them if I were to be in one of those penitentiaries. I'm just trying to think realistic about this.

Having confidence with my abilities while I'm going insane, this brings up another situation where I didn't get pulled over by another cop this morning. I think I can see that cop being obligated to protect me if someone from Hope of God church in Los Angeles decided to act like a nutty assassin with me and tried to do a beating arrangement. Well, they would probably be afraid of how I would get even so maybe they would just laugh about how they got rid of me and move on with it. If I were to come back, they will just deal in like manner of trying to get rid of me. It's just human nature. I also have this oath that I told God I will go visit them someday. I don't know when that is, but I'm still trying after all these last few years to become a millionaire with six-pack abs.

My dumb friend says it's too hard to get there and is pretty much at his wit's end while feeling depressed and having a different and selfish view about life than most people. I guess since he doesn't have money, he really can't join my other friends that often. Well, I can only hope that he'll end up doing well but he's going to crash and burn!  

Stopping With Being Stupid

Well it goes like this. I think someone is wrong, but he or she doesn't want to believe that way and they end behaving in a manner that makes me mad. I keep bothering them about it and they say to stop it, but I don't. This is where problems occurred for me.

I can't really change anyone to believe that I'm correct. I could do the best I can with giving my input, but if the person doesn't want to accept it then it's really on him or her. I think it's more like I'll do my best to tell the truth and be like I told you so type of situation and just be chill about it later on while having a decent laugh.

It was very stupid and some were incredibly that way with me and couldn't let it go. On top of doing what I wanted which was just schooling them, I guess I feel better from it. I think the appropriate response with being loving is to just direct them to God the best I can and just be fully honest with them in what I'm seeing or thinking. I guess I'm working at getting better with handling people who are being jerks with me and outsmarting them enough that they can't do much damage. I don't think it was wrong for me to get mad at them, but understanding how to go about it took forever and I made so many bad moves along the way.

Overall, I really shouldn't still get mad about this because they really couldn't do much to me anyways. I'm lucky in that area, so I can see them being as not big of a deal and to go about accomplishing with whatever agenda I had set upon my mind with them. I still have that personal oath to God to become a millionaire with a six pack before entering the footsteps of Hope of God Church, Los Angeles. Honestly, I hope that church doesn't exist anymore when I do accomplish my goal so I could just ride off on my motorcycle to show off with myself and be like, "Yeah, it feels good to have got here."

I think I'm just going to visit and be like in the mood for laughing at the people who were affected by me and then just take off because I don't really think they are teaching the Bible correctly. Also, what I was longing for in finding friendships can be found at just about any other place that God is willing to open the door for me. It's not cool that I lost some idiots to be friends with, but there's nothing I can do about it. I just need to let this go and not think too much about it. I outsmarted all of those who were bad with me and lucky they just happened to not be that smart in the first place and really afraid of me.

Stuff I'm Pursuing

I finally saw a cop while driving to work this morning and he just drove past me. He didn't even slow down or do a stare down contest with me, which would have been funny. I know they can't stop me and question me from writing bad stuff about people at that church who thought I was being a psycho. Mainly because I'm putting in my effort to be honest and while being self-deprecating from enjoying finding ways to laugh about my mistakes, it really can't be beat by them. I can just point out and make fun of their insecurities and from having done that, they have really dropped out of being any aggressive factor with me when it comes to retaining true happiness with my important relationships and earning a living.

It's not really a big deal then with what they did because I was able to outsmart them with their own game which is already very annoying and laid out without any specific rules. They would just react by whining and then calling me crazy because I bothered them so much over stuff that never really pertained to them. I kept going at them because I care about sorting these kinds of things out, and in the end, I just went after being a crazy guy that called them names and threatened to do weird stuff to them all in the motive of making them look bad and something for everybody else to laugh about.

Rewards of Dedication

Being consistent becomes a part of nature and when one invests in doing to himself something positive frequently, it adds up to being liked by other people and makes handling stupid situations a lot easier too. Getting mad at people and directing negative comments is bound to happen for just about anybody. Nobody is perfect! Realizing and then accepting it as a fault and becoming willing to change are all steps that I believe are hard to perceive by nature.

My dumb buddy just wants to find ways to personally affirm his feeling that he's the top over everybody and won't drop that silly pursuit, even though I don't know what he's really thinking about. He sees personal body language as a personal code or something and then using his childish brain and being brought up from a perceived, depressing world; he starts going off with questionable judgements that he believes are infallible. I proved him wrong a few times and he doesn't still care about it, so that's why he's dumb in my opinion. Well, he'll keep on adding something new that he can't drop so it's a lot of effort to convince him otherwise.

I can't make a prediction that my dumb friend will be successful, and he really wants to do it by getting lucky at this point with odds slightly stacked against him. He will call it skill though as long as he can while riding the waves of luck. In a way, it really is a blessing so yeah, I guess he can call everybody who he believes are more happier than him and better off lucky and that it's not his place to really focus on them. He will just think about stuff that's bothering him and complain about it practically while looking for fast solutions and disregarding himself in areas where he could be irrational. Maybe that's his way of coping with his problems, but I told him that I was going to start ignoring him. It seems like he isn't really bothered by me explaining that to him.

Overall, my opinion of my buddy is that he lacks tenacity to develop himself and make it in this world. He's focused on things with his individual nature and cares about being the best with a few smaller details but when it comes to continuously adding all of it up, he can't do it. He's pretty much a letdown to his own world that he mapped out. I believe I just tried helping him all this time to be numb to it. I don't know what my future is going to hold with him now, but we haven't had any falling out as friends.    

Figuring Things Out

I think currently my life is just about getting one thing straight, and it's about working hard while controlling my personal urges to spend my time doing lesser things. I personally want to find satisfaction with my life and am so blessed to have some lovely close friends I get to see on a regular basis.

It looks like I never really got that close with too many people in my life, and the feeling may be mutual in that they might not see something great like I do and me with them. It's like sharing this strong form of connection isn't going to be happening. From living, we all have our things to deal with and I guess there can only be a few hardworking hopefuls out there who make it and find favor with generally a large crowd. Still, no matter how large the approval is, it's never going to be everyone. Everybody don't really live in a community and there are a few who prefer to be left alone in their cabin and part of nature. 

Overall, I think I've been just seeking for something in the wrong places and need to stay refocused daily and just keep at it while letting loose of my fun desires more like watching anime and reading up on people's funny comments that they leave about something that is worth noting for them with everyone. It's about what I do during my personal time right and I did make some crazy decisions that were stupid. Oh well, I can't have the past back so all I can do is just ask the Lord to forgive me and move on and watch out for that next time. There's nothing I can do about it and just have to bounce back now.  

Really Positive Outlook

Using some of the programming skills I got and with the demand to pick up on some more by googling it or looking at other sources, I think I can establish an efficient one-man operating business. I would have no boss and work for myself and on top of that, I wouldn't have to worry about employees being dumb with me as well. It would be almost automated and everything would be held under wraps and the fees I would charge for trading will be high because I don't want a lot of people involved with me.

For programming small apps, I don't mind doing like a trial version and then if the app sucks, I could just do a rewrite and launch an upgraded, full version out of personal obligation to do better and make it free for the old customers. I have a lot of high hopes and expectations now, along with decent willpower to be a self-starter.

I'm blessed to have found the direction that works best for me in monetizing my business interests. What I also want to focus on are personal things as well. For starters, I could finally land a serious relationship and court a beautiful and great gal. At this age I'm in, I'm starting to really dial in with discipline and to think a lot better with concentrated effort. It must deal a lot with my obsession to have self-improvement and keep myself in check. One of the biggest things that I've had so much growth in and is turning out to be so useful is having confidence to deal with my problems.

To have fun, I got great friends to hang out with and they provide me enough satisfaction from the company they provide. I believe they will be of great assistance to me and they are a blessing upon my life. Okay, I have like two girls who I communicate regularly with and they are attractive while being brilliantly capable of stuff. We're all really good friends and that just fills in some loneliness for me. It also has helped me to calm down my anger issues a lot too.

To go for dating, I'm just going to keep myself an open book and not stress it so much. I'm just going to go after my goals to keep myself occupied and eventually, get around to meeting many more girls. I'm not interested in just picking up girls though.

Let's see, I have career advancement, physical improvement and health, friendships, productive hobbies, and love in my life. I don't think I'll be able to study the Bible for two hours everyday now. I think I'll be able to tolerate about 30 minutes before my mind starts to shut down. It's better than nothing. I'm going to be adjusting my personal schedule then and go after it.  

   

Done and Over With

Well, all of this edging to porn and trying to keep myself from blowing the load has finally found a satisfying conclusion. I'm ready to repent of this activity and ask for forgiveness to Jesus with my lack of personal control. I'm lucky enough to have enough control to not even try to go after a sexual relationship with anyone. I've been under temptations while around lady friends and them just being very physically attractive to me at that moment of time and I just don't try to solicit for it. It's not that I'm scared, I just don't have the preference for doing something like that. I want to be a gentleman to my cool and beautiful lady friends!

I was looking at myself and comparing to the porn stars' junk even looking through a device and making sure I don't record or save anything. I have something similar and it's holding up comparably with how they are so I know I'll be fine! Sex still has that mystery to me and I would love to engage in it consistently someday with a loving spouse, but until then I'm going to put a little extra effort to just let these sexual feelings and hormones just ride through the ups and downs of my personal life.

Life just isn't all about having sex. Spending a lot of time with someone beautiful and even marrying her in the end isn't just about sex. Having that special feeling with this cool girl I've been hanging out with occasionally, is such a nice feeling and it's inspiring in a way for me to want the best for her and spending time with her has been a lot of fun even though the stuff we did together was probably not the most exciting but regular things.