Commitment Issues

This is an area that I feel really sensitive about, and it's really about finding a way to be committed to myself which is really hard for me. I guess I'm just not the type who can stay in one place all the time. This week, I practiced playing poker all week and pretty much missed some valuable time to grow in knowledge with my business. I need to go back into shaping back up into this whole investment thing. Right now, I would be the most comfortable learning to be a successful trader.

My weakness is that I can get a little careless with my approach if I'm behind my finances. I need to be really brilliant here now. Once again, despite the feeling of being so bored with my work, it's still what I would prefer over most jobs and it does have pretty good benefits attached to it. If I go back to being diligent at it, by deciding to specialize on it then I believe I'm making a very smart choice. My job isn't about how much better I am over others, like some people think which is funny now that I think of it.

I think I can just focus on living a normal life and then just play hard when I have some time. Right now, I have to really focus on getting better with my work. I need to lay off of everything else, even though I could look at the e-mails I receive. I'm going to make playing poker a secondary thing for me and not really my primary way of making a living. No matter how bored I get with this line of work and no matter how unproductive I feel at times, I'm going to stick to it because I feel that I won't regret this decision. Later down the road, if it gets to a point of getting to raise a family, I'll put the family above my work- money can be made anytime, but it's those life things that come once in a lifetime and shouldn't be missed.

Therefore, I need to play this smart in the moment now with everything that I have. I think the reason why I've been playing poker or spending on supposedly money making products is because I keep telling my subconscious that I'm desperate for money because I want to make money fast and conveniently without having to wait it out - the waiting part would involve going to interviews, searching the internet around for job openings, and all of that stuff.

With the things that I invested on, I should be very reasonable here and cut my losses, and I do have enough tools right now to stay a profitable business; it's funny that an average person can be thinking about how ethical my business is- it's legal and nothing shady is going on haha just that it's really hard for the average person to conduct the business I'm in. That's why they're scared from doing it, despite the rewarding nature that it could provide.

Only for my sake, with everything that I have invested in and treating time as the king, playing poker would be economically senseless for me right now. I have four different areas that I could work on to make money, if I were to spread them apart as opposed to solely just playing poker all the time which really takes a lot of my time away and there's also a very small window of opportunity for me in making profit with it. Hey, if I can't settle down in marriage right now because I have to go drive a truck later for not doing so hot financially, then I'll have to put it on hold for awhile and just live with that decision I made of how I spent my youth. Haha. About having two restraining orders from two different people and being kicked out by a bunch of weird people I hardly bothered and from not really being able to do anything about it because of the condition I was in, oh well. They aren't the ones who are going to prevent me from living out of this dream of donating some money and even possibly assisting other people's health as a doctor. I also would like to open up an office someday and invite some old friends of mine so that we can work on some computer gaming projects which would be a lot of fun, if they still have some time; otherwise, I'm just going to open up a club or something to practice that goal. If I stay single for the rest of my life despite my heterosexual struggles, then I'll take it like a man, but I don't really see that happening like maybe this year.

The whole challenge for me right now is going to be about becoming economically resourceful and then making profit out of it. I'm going to feed that desire of wanting to make fast profit the right way now so I can get ahead with my life. I have potentially so many gifts in this academic area and a knack for being pretty lucky in my overall life. I'll just have to deal with that dreadful feeling of boredom with so many different things right now until I understand them enough that I'm having some fun with it- no matter how empty it gets because nothing really beats having a relationship with God. I'm doing it for a purpose now, which is to get ahead in my life.