Weird Coincidence

I'm pretty much being like that- well, that's what I'm telling myself right now as I write this sentence. In some cases, poker is one of those gambling games that can cause some people to just continuously lose money and even lose their mortgage - haha. I guess it could be true. The reason why I bring up poker is because whenever I play it for awhile on my computer, I feel this craving to go watch porn. I just don't know if poker is a bad thing for me because I don't know how poker and porn are related. Well, the first two letters of each word are the same and they both sound similar- I wonder if porn is just trying to seek its way into my conscience.

Now that I think of it right now, watching porn too much is such a stupid activity and can be very gross at times and even worse it can ruin a loving relationship with the spouse. I think the performers are in a totally different world than the viewers are in and could be really endangering their souls. I just can't really continue in living a pure, single life without the Lord continuing to work in my heart. I remember trying to discuss about sexuality with my younger sister a few times, and she would just start acting all childish and start nagging me to stop by covering her ears and saying that I'm so nasty- haha.

I don't know about you but watching porn for me can feel like self-abuse at times for me. It's pretty often if I stumble into porn then I end up masturbating and calling myself stupid each time after the act is over. This is really embarrassing for me to reveal on this blog and no, I'm not gaining a hard ignorant heart over writing about straight-forward things with my life. I believe that overall, I just need to be able to stay permanently patient with the working of the Holy Spirit in my life dealing with sex.

I would like the Lord to genuinely examine my heart through the pages of the Bible and help me to understand what my needs are dealing with this sexual desire that I have contained within me. I've studied pretty well about what females are about, but have not really used it in chasing after their skirts - haha. I guess I'm like a coward at times from feeling like I'm too short to approach someone to date. I'm also thinking that even if I was taller then I would probably just be more laid back with girls in general and just keep it naturally smooth with them like I'm trying to do right now still. A few good girls have already approached me as a dating interest, and I was just cool about it. Despite some of them being taller than me, a lot of them are already in a relationship now and hope they have the best because I'll be praying for their life to be blessed. The few interested girls who were shorter than me are in a relationship too and they seemed confident of me being good to them so I guess this whole marriage plan could be a natural thing for me someday. My mom has told me that even though I'm short, I look normal and it's very likely that others won't really see my height as something that bothers people in general - except for those exceptionally weird ones haha. I know a guy whose like that- haha. I feel confident still in being a pretty big person for my height, and some good friends have mentioned that about me. According to my mom, my height is slightly taller than the average lady so I'm not handicapped with my height or anything.

I'm really realizing that this straight-forward, no hold bar for me on this blog is really helping me connect better with what I desire. I'm even sharing enough of it and feeling more confident with friends around me. I'm definitely becoming more self-reliant and able to encourage good people to share some of their knowledge with me to help me along the way. I feel really blessed to have some good and warm people to encourage me in my life. It's just without a doubt that they have helped influence me in wanting to be a charitable person by wanting to give back to God with donating only a couple million dollars each year.

Overall, I really need to organize my computer desk again. There's so many envelopes that I have lying around here and it's all messy and I seem to still type away on my blog day in and day out without realizing the mess around my room. I have some good books that I stored away just for the sake of looking at it again later and I think I should really pick it up again when I can find some time to myself. I realize that I only have a minute portion of the world's knowledge stored in my bookshelf.