Having Trouble

Right now, I can't really reveal everything that's going on in my life and with that area I'm really going to keep it private now because it really deals with another party. I don't really want to admit it right now and then just start laughing about it.

I'm going to avoid being a truck driver now because I'm a little too scared about getting into a big accident with another car and accidentally killing someone. I know I joked about having a road camera installed on there and then describing hypothetically about weird people swerving right into me one by one. Obviously, the grave circumstances of it would be too unbearable for me.

I have found a way to get a 5% advantage with winning huge sums of pot in poker (the river) by the way I'm selecting my hands and timing when it's good to take a small risk. However, I see poker is more like spending money and putting a little time into it for enjoyment. I can't see myself professionalizing in poker with big stakes anymore or let alone watch a professional take a huge hit on his chip stack.

I'm usually a moderate and cautious type- I'm going through a phase where I'm losing my childhood innocence right now and literally facing the music of my actions without backing out. I like to pride myself in being decent in moral and Christian values. However, I have an area where I fall daily in- it deals with sexual sins. I have taken the sins to a level where I'm not physically being intimate with anyone, but the temptations feel so great for me that I fall into watching porn =(

I feel really distressed and sad to mention my problem in writing. I don't know how I'll ever be helped in it. The Bible does mention about using marriage as an outlet to avoid sexual sins because it is permissible by God to practice making love in marriage (lots of responsibility is being involved). Even if I were to be married, I know that I'll be facing those common temptations daily still but I feel that having a partner will help me a lot. To really control my sexual sins, I'm going to need to get married as a part of my supplication. I guess if I have a wife, then I would feel liberated in chasing after her all the time. I need to put faith in Jesus that he will provide for me a way to get relief in this area of sexual discomfort because I'm bombing it so badly in my opinion.  Every time my subconscious senses something sexual, I'm really vulnerable then especially through something visual. If I get lured into it on accident or I do it on purpose, which triggers my sexual escapade, then I need to do something that's looked down upon by the world- run and try not to feel like a lone ranger. The Bible says "I have made a covenant to God with my eyes."   I guess I'll be eventually in this constant state of running around until I find a breakthrough in marriage and then do the best I can to please the spouse. I'm pretty short, so I can figure I'll be hearing some tall wife jokes which would make me laugh- I'm even laughing about short jokes too dealing with myself and not minding about women wanting to be with a taller guy because being short doesn't prevent me from enjoying some physical activities. I'm just going to exercise my faith in Jesus to the best of my ability even though my faith is not enough sometimes- I'm going to have to continually work on it to eventually reach that state I'm looking for.