Embracing Suffering

I have yet to find out the entire truth about myself, but I think a lot of incidents that I don't like happen because I'm just being selfish and not man enough to handle it. Fortunately, the worst thing that happens to me is just losing time but with the efforts I have made to become a better person, it doesn't really feel that hard with being the person I like to be around others. I'm taking interest these days in a good way with people, and I know it while feeling great about it. It's not really a big deal to communicate openly, and I was just so shy back then from being selfish about not wanting myself to look bad. I ended up making it bad for myself anyway from being too shy because I turned off quite a few girls I was interested in getting to know. I mean it's not bad that people generally don't really have anything against me, but a few do struggle with being crazy to me in certain areas and can't resolve it while being fully loving about it.

My area of struggle really comes from boredom and wanting to rely on a beautiful lady I'm married with to provide some loving comfort. I'm lacking confidence in this area because I'm always short-sighting myself and not able to have enough patience. I can't do this everyday because it always gets boring after awhile before resetting, but I have been practicing with developing stamina from using inspiration from pornographic actors! It's pretty funny with what I'm doing and how I look at it. I'm just not addicted to the material- it's the signs and wonders of exploring my body that I'm more concerned about! I have been trying to study how to provide utmost physical pleasure for someone but intend to use the knowledge only for marriage. I guess from a heart issue and a spiritual standpoint, I could do better for myself but yeah, this is really a borderline sin that I'm flirting with. It's basically one of those in the closet things that people are probably going to prefer never finding out about. It's not that my status will change with them too much if they do, so I'm just writing freely about it on this blog.

This blog really has this effect of giving me freedom from some of the stresses I deal with. I'm realizing that I'm a really selfish guy even though I prefer to get around while trying to stay nice with everybody. I'm living under happiness from believing upon my Lord and savior Jesus. I want to be the best I can be to lead others who haven't to give God a chance and to allow Him to change them for the better and experience so much freedom from bondage of sins. I'm going to need to keep working on myself, and I'm realizing that maybe my struggle might be a byproduct of my past issue with short-term bipolar / schizophrenic condition. My mom has stated to not talk about it while crying about it several times with me. I have insisted on bringing it up all the time, but my parents think I'm trying to blame them for it. In a way, I sort of do because of the way they handled a few key moments I was really sensitive about while growing up. They aren't perfect parents and have weird beliefs and to have been raised by them, I didn't really get much feedback from them because they were more focused on making money to catch up in life and pretty much just have each other to deal with. It's a pretty weird relationship, so I wonder if how they acted with each other really is causing me to not want to just jump into a relationship. I probably don't want to break up with anyone nor get into a nasty fight when I do get in one, so this is probably why I haven't found the one yet.