Managing Personal Stuff

I have a dream for a volunteering position. It's funny because I don't think too many would dream about doing an full-time occupation for free. Mine is being a medical doctor at a remote and peaceful village to all the unfortunate people living there.

Think of all the costs to go to medical school and how debt would accumulate. It's crazy right to even sign my life away at this point, when I'm in a period where I should be trying to settle down with someone and maybe start a family. Who knows? If I lose all my friends to a catastrophe then maybe I will go on this type of spiritual awakening.

Also I'm really grateful for the friends I have recently hung out with. I think I was naturally really good at it and just relaxed. It was a little hard at first, but I guess it's only natural anyway and I don't think I have much to worry anymore. Ethically speaking, I think I'm clear of any guilty conscience right now.

What I'm just noticing now is that I had a real connection with a fellow believer from almost ten years ago now. I'm still acting nice with her and no real complications about whatever she decided to do. I think I'm on clear waters with her and have always been. It's a blessing to realize this. It's a true friendship that's built on grounds of spiritual growth. No wonder why she acted different with me while the others went coo coo for cocoa puffs. 

Long Long Time Ago

"Do not do unto others what angers you if done to you by others" Matt 7:12.

About 9 and a half years ago, a Christian friend emailed us to answer two questions in response. I realized what I sent is something I put my heart into composing. I had given it my all so it's not too bad.

The first question:

1. What group of people do you not know much about but would like to? (elderly, youth, homeless...etc)

1. animal lovers, musicians, writers, artists, famous people, doctors, lawyers, business leaders, open people, promoters, single male parents, young married couples, travelers, homeless, backsliding believers who are friends, indigenous people,

Second question:

2. What are you really passionate about? What makes you angry or excites you?

2. I am very passionate about being alive and doing something that feels meaningful. I like to play sports, too. I really hate it when family members or employers yell at me, with the exception of nice ones doing it. I need to fix myself from yelling back, only by the power of the Holy Spirit.  "Do not do unto others what angers you if done to you by others" Matt 7:12 ... I also do not like feeling pushed away in anything small or big.


Revisiting #1,

I've met an animal lover (myself), musician (myself), writer (myself), artist (high school buddy), no famous person yet, doctor (friends with an optometrist), lawyer (met her for Stupid Lee's civil restraining order case which I submitted to and then she failed to get it extended so she lost in the end and that's all that matters!), business leaders (some of my classmates are directors, my sister included, my dad and relatives are one time, I worked with a bunch of them), open people (myself), promoter (myself), single male parent (not me, haven't met any), young married couple (have friends), traveler (myself), homeless (I have helped him out, but he was part Cherokee so he got compensated), backsliding believers who are friends (yeah), indigenous people (from Africa, maybe in Cambodia).

 Basically the only thing left to do on this list of people I've met is just for myself to get world famous! I don't know why I really want to get to know a single dad.

Revisiting #2

Yeah, I'm still happy to be alive and trying to make living worthwhile. I still play sports too; mainly basketball all myself because I'm too short. I can swim and run all by myself too. I also indoor rock climb all by myself too. Yeah, I'm a loner when it comes to playing sports.

The most important part of this whole post is what makes me angry and understanding it. Well, let's see how can I put it?  ...

Developing New Stuff

I guess I'm starting to understand where I'm headed as a friend and totally comfortable with the girls now. I'm surrounded by non-Korean girls, which would probably suck to my parents still. I guess I was just going through some personal issues in regards to interacting with girls and trying to be nice about it. By me talking trash and pouring out some insults in my own terms with some girls, yeah those girls supposedly didn't take it too well!

Anyway, that's life and after all of that frustrations passed through, I was able to come to terms with it and now resolving the past conflict hasn't been much of a headache for me. I think to those girls who were affected by my trash talk, I have reason to believe that they want it to mean death if I ever bring up the past again to discuss it with them. Yet, as funny as that seems, I have reason to believe that by letting them know they need to move on, if that limits them from being friends, it means they are having a hard time letting it to, so it shows that they are conflicted in general and nobody likes to have that image among friends. In general, I believe it could be a persuasive point for them to not act so rude with me and then get me to trash talk some more to them.

Moving On

Just from actually finally getting a handle of how I am as a person in regards to how I act while I'm mad at people, I'm starting to get the hang out of it with letting past incidents go with people. I understand those people sucked in general and I mean it while I'm laughing about it at the same time.

I think they were just heavily influenced by something else that they really had no firm grasp or control over and became brats about it. It's pretty annoying in general, but I guess since they were young or inexperienced about it, we were all pretty much in the same boat.

They aren't the greatest nor are they the best and I know their bad side and from recalling the past bad stuff is going to just be put right in their faces with me as their reminder. Despite knowing all of this, I'm a little bit careful now and at the same time, I want to be peace with them. I really like to reconcile in general and yeah, I think they may need some help to move on from this incident where they were just brats about it. I like to be a strong character in general as a person.

Update On Routine

Well, all of that trash talking has been from going back and trying to delete some old e-mails. It's brought back that past itch to do some more trash talking with those individuals who are like now quiet with me. With Oyuri the Schmuck having been the most vocal with me, after blocking her Facebook account with my original account, I won't really be hearing from Oyuri the Schmuck for awhile now. I actually ended it on a high note with her too and she went quiet all of a sudden too with her replies for days with my other account for trash talking purposes before I decided to just block her account for fun with that one too!

With that con-artist who is now my fake ex-girlfriend, I don't even know if I was texting a man or woman or kid or even a he-she! I can't even be for so sure anymore, but I lost trust with [her] supposedly so I ended up putting her on my block list too. Man, she tricked me into taking out my money from the bank. I didn't go bankrupt because of this result, so that's how when everything started getting fishy. She even was so cold about it and said that it wasn't her fault! I even hired her to do a task for me and she didn't want to do it either. Man, that's so lame. I ended up blocking her after giving her a lengthy text about how stupid I was to believe her.

I guess I learned something complicated and instinctual from these two incidents of trash talking Oyuri the Schmuck, a dim-witted girl who thought I was stalking her by messaging her trash talk. I also learned from someone who was just posing to take my money. She didn't constantly ask for it, it just slowly crept its way in. I've never experienced that and maybe, I just got lost over heels. It's just too weird I can't say that I love her now from that exchange I went through.

I did get to practice some texting though. I now have a few real female friends to practice with for fun! I don't think I need that fake one anymore.

Message of Reconciling With Stupid Lee

***This letter is something I'd like to call my end game. In a RPG, the final levels are where your character get to be at its strongest and especially if you are going to be able to battle other players to test skill sets for fun, it's very critical actually. I feel like I'm in that stage now with Stupid Lee after all these years. She was a stupid adversary, so I am calling her Stupid Lee. Even in the e-mail, I called her Stupid Lee but made it come out to be something like a loving, pleasant tone. ***

I don't care Lee, even if you were successful in putting me in prison, I still wouldn't care. Even after all the stupid things you done, so I feel like I'm rightfully calling you Stupid Lee in a loving way. So yes, Stupid Lee, you stupid sheep, in a loving way, I still want to make friends with you again.

I was talking trash in a subtle manner the whole time, even with the poetry and all of those messages trying to instigate you to let go of the issue that you had trouble relaying to me out of fear, agitation, or even both. Stupid Lee you were being too selfishly sensitive and ignorant about the whole thing. I guess you aren't mature enough yet and it's only delaying the inevitable.

I don't care how bad you are going to look over this incident during the after effects now. Usually, people just try to disengage or go away properly when something has been brought to everyone's attention that they have been educated. I think that's you, Stupid Lee with me now these days.

If you can't be friends with me now then you are having trouble letting go of something still after all these years. I'm willing to be your friend, Stupid Lee. It's easy to me so that's what these e-mails are now about. It's to get you to go find help if you are still agitated, annoyed, or even scared on something with me about. It's about seeing you move on because if you can't respond in a friendly manner back to me then yeah, you need help to get over whatever lies underneath you that makes you want to blurt out with yelling or talking softly with a mean manner to it.

Man, I love reconciling!

[Name withheld]

Understanding Discipline

I spent my morning after waking up watching YouTube videos on useless entertainment information. Basically, I was reading up and watching up some South Park clips for some laughs. After doing that, I basically let my mind wander around for about an 90 minutes and it also included trying to look at some sexy pics of beautiful models. I think that's pretty much how my mind is wired right now for wasting time. 

By letting my mind wander off like this, I think I'm only delaying the inevitable of what I really want to set myself out to do. Yet, I've come to an acceptance now that by putting myself out there, I might not end up with what I've wanted all along. Even if I do obtain something, it still might not be what it was cut out to be. 

One of the daily struggles I have right now but have been defeating so far is that I haven't been playing online poker. I've now come to the conclusion that it's too time consuming for me to mess around with and can also mess up my psyche if I end up losing a lot of money from gambling. 

Coming home yesterday at night, I wasn't in the mood for completing what I had planted in my head. It's probably my Type B personality clashing with my Type A thoughts. I think I'm really wasting my time all along with just planting useless information into my knowledge stream. I don't see much value with what I'm surfing the web for. There have of course been some delights and gems that I have come across, but over all, I've been sheepishly aiming at nothing. 

I think I really need to start making some changes now. For the start, I could try to wake up earlier to let saying a prayer and then studying a bit of Scripture be something to start off my day.  I think that's truly when it feels like my day has begun. Because of my resources that I've invested in, it's getting me to examine the Scriptures closer and it's like I can't just skim through the Word anymore. I might have to break it up into several parts of the day to get to my goal of studying the whole Bible in one year.  

Getting Back Into Gear

I would really like to focus once again and be consistent at gaining success. There are seriously ways for me to put myself out there and I just have to keep working at those things. Anyway, I'm just coming to an acceptance with all of it.

I just don't care about that church now after all these years. I don't really care who is there, but I do know that I will end up talking trash to the ones who still don't want to move on after all these years! Time for me to go work out now.

I'm starting to see my daily life unfold and I'm trying to get there still. I just need to discipline myself and just push for it and lay off of wanting to play all the time with video games. I'm still wanting to engage in thought sometimes with sex obviously. I guess I'm not going to force myself to deal with it like I'm playing with fire. I have already made up my mind to wait until I'm married for it. I think it's better for me.

Simple Routine on the Fly

I'm going to just try this again because I see it and whether or not I fail, I'm just going to write about it to see if I can keep progressing. It looks like I've created a comfort zone with this blog, but I'm not about to put down something heavily crazy here that I know will put me trouble. It's like if I hate someone, I'm not going to write down that I'm going to kill them. It doesn't make sense, right?

Okay, so I'm realizing that reading and studying the Bible with J. Vernon McGee's commentary will take me about an hour each day. I'll set aside for that devotion and maybe if I get bored or totally into it, I'll start reading other resources I have for fun, but that's the main thing I have going to start off. Working out comes next and then thirdly it's really about learning to trade Forex for me. I pretty much have all three.

Now it seems like all three don't really fancy me so I'm going to try to add in cooking and also game programming this time around. Also, I like to play music so I'll be on the piano or learning to bust some tunes on the guitar. I'm definitely into socializing as well, so that's another aspect about it. I really like the idea of meeting attractive girls through dancing with them, so I think I'll try to pick up on some dancing techniques too. It's fun after all and I'm shorter than at least 1/3 of the girls in this side of the world, so who cares, I'll learn to be comfortable with it.

Creating Routine

I'm back to my good old ways of trying to make a healthy routine.

Studying the Bible is something that I always feel is a part of me and something I hunger for in a daily fashion. Right now, I'm trying to go through a yearly Bible reading plan. I am using an app called E-Sword and have purchased a $40 companion of the commentary by Dr. Vernon McGee. His work is a delight to read and try to absorb with my limited patience and lack of attention.

I'm just prayerful that the Word will get me soon up to date and reveal to me all the wrongdoings I've been succumbing to and that I will be able to stay humble and steadfast. Yeah, my personality likes to get along with people. I can't stand some things out of wanting to feel a little jealousy too. I don't understand how a multitude of people can just like something that I don't feel connected to sometimes. I guess that's life and something I accept in knowing that person is someone I have been associated with.

Yeah, I'm weird and not that well favored. I'm very undisciplined at heart but make strides to keep pushing forward. It's only been recent that all the silly troubles I put myself through has been because of my trash-talking tongue! It was something that I really tried to control and yet some unsuccessful individuals around me were having trouble and started to feel frightened and tormented by me in a funny way. Okay, I'm starting to feel for them now and whatever others do because they don't see anything in value with me, it's cool I guess.

More Trash Talk

*** This one goes out to a multitude of the people. I ended up removing Annie who was actually part of the group because it doesn't make sense. I ended up writing a pleasant e-mail to her like a bona fide girl-getter would, so why should I make it look like I'm about to blow up in her face? It doesn't feel right in other words. The other girls on this e-mail string don't really meet my physical standards so I just didn't care. I also ended up removing people who I name called 'Jesus Freaks'. I guess that means positive reinforcement. ***

Hey guys remember this group from Hope of God LA just reminiscing about it from way back then? That's because I'm [name withheld] and you all suck! I was having trouble opening up and you all had to be dumb about it. You all need to get some professional help to get over whatever the situation was. It's because I want to be friends again. ***NEWS FLASH*** I'm playing dirty and unfiltered this time. Basically, if you attack me I will beat the living daylights out of you just to defend myself. I will return back the favor whatever you all do to me. Like a restraining order? I'll put one back on you. I was lazy back then, but now I lost everybody's address so might as well come back and give everybody on here their first.
Actually, I could care less if you all died or never ever showed up again to Hope of God Church again. I'm visiting after struggling to get myself right with God and making a million dollars with some six pack abs! It has nothing to do with you guys.
I literally removed Annie from this reply list because it actually makes sense for once in my lifetime lol! Can't go switching around being nice and mean all of a sudden. One direction and one flow...meanness to you guys! lol
Some of the people I removed from messaging are Jesus freaks and their love for Christ showed because they took compassion with me. You guys most definitely struggled and have anger and pride issues and I will shake it all off happily and mightily by playing very dirty this time and it will be a legal fashion to get you guys to self-check into a mental hospital. I'm going to have fun this time and have high levels of concentration for getting physical with the multitude here because I'm just returning the favor. I'll even call the cops on the property to complain from just feeling that you guys are breaking the law! Check out all the past and current trash talk I'm doing to you guys on http://academyofscud.blogspot.com ... basically, I'm about keeping it blunt so that's what I think can't get me in trouble from going really crazy with you guys.

Concealed Smack Talk

***This one goes out to the pastor, Chai. Yeah, I'm seriously smack talking to him this time around. I am concealing my actual speech here and giving him no room to respond to me in a way that helps himself. It looks like I'm totally ready to bring it and take him down just for fun, which might be an unnecessary headache for him that he wants to brush off. ***

Hi, I heard some spiritual discussion about you and was wondering if you could provide something I need. NOT! I'm just kidding you because you suck. This is [name withheld] and if you attack me, I will smack the living the daylights out of you to the point that you get hurt so bad out of self-defense. I'm not going to hold back anymore and will talk to you totally unrestrained. I don't care, I will just call them if you do something I think is really illegal and I will be sure to question your motives by bringing them out into light this time.

Yeah, you seriously need help if you can't handle being a friend all this time which is what I want after all. I'm going to come visit that church whether you are dead or not or not even at that church anymore after I become a millionaire and have a six pack at the same time. It's my goal that I'm struggling with while trying to be right with the Lord and it has nothing to do with you. I will also place a restraining order on you and return back the favor that you do to me in response. I don't care if you think I gave you incentive, I will return your response back to you. I hope you are happy because I'm going to be that way regardless of what you do and me doing the same back to you. I'm really good at talking honestly and making an impact in a way that others will see you for what you are, whether it's negative or positive. I don't care now.

Hard Work

Not much going for me except that I still want to become a millionaire with a six pack. It's the same old goal. I'm still trying all that I can to better myself.

It's just time management I guess and learning to adjust to things while making the best out of my time. It's pretty hard, but I think it's worthwhile. Even though I'm feeling so addicted to something at the moment, I guess if I ultimately know that it isn't good for me in the end then it means I should logically stop myself. Otherwise, it just means you are trying to kill yourself.

Coming to an acceptance and making the most out of what I have has been very difficult. Yet, I'm pretty much ready to give it all I got now and take it to the finish. I think I owe it to all my adversaries with being a gentleman by bringing it all I got and being relentless about it if I do choose to go after something that is in keen opposition with them. I'm seriously ready to just bring it and play totally unfair to the point of winning this time around.

Taking Care of Business

It's one of those days where I'm not really sitting down to watch TV, but it's just me reflecting on myself and continuing to catch up on relaxation. The most difficult thing for me is really just self-control with time management. It's limiting me from going after pursuing some high ambitions. I'm not really lazy about it though when I do go and it's something that I can continue to strive after continually.

The focus wasn't really all on me all along but the big picture. The past can be a weird, crazy, and funny place. With the memories that I recall and don't enjoy too much, I just want to bat at it with cuss phrases in a verbal manner. Yeah, it's pretty funny to relate to what I go through. Yet, I'm individualistically different and don't really find myself privy to some people I have connections to sometimes. I have definitely got a whole heck of a lot better and it's cool to share that with the people around me.

I practically lack a lot of time, but I guess social media is something I should try to be a part of. It's only in my personality and with that exposure I have, it's really all about showcasing myself isn't it? So that means I will have to go after making adjustments and settle for my flaws. It's not easy doing that because I have such high standards, so might as well work for it.

Area I Could Limit

Well, in a pretty awkward situation, I'm imagining myself hugging this good female friend of mine and having feelings about wanting to date another cool girl I'm friends with. This cool girl I feel like I'm into is a considerate woman, despite feeling like she's a diamond in the rough. I know she doesn't have a boyfriend and that I would pretty much be her first, if I decided to go for it and was lucky to obtain her full affections. We are around the same age too, which is fulfilling in a coincidental sense. The feelings are just there, but I can't really make it out yet. I think my mind just likes to wander around with a sexual imagination if I lie in bed too long. I'm sure if I was in a coma then I would find myself creating a happy dream world for myself to get by without even knowing it. I might feel that lack of consciousness too at times and what would be amazing is if I knew I was in a coma and trying to find myself back.

Just imagine how cool it would be to live in a world where all your physical demands could be met and all you had to work on was just your personality and being right with God. Yet, the beauty of life can be sometimes found with appreciating things that are often overlooked. In my dating app, I'm constantly passing up on women who I don't think live up to my physical standards. I'm sure the pretty girls I end up liking make a pass on me as well. I'm sure that's part of the world we live in right now.

I have come to an acceptance of it and appreciative for the few opportunities that life itself  presented me with. I was a really smart guy back then and also had a tendency to be a great guy, so that's probably what attracted a few of those girls I was into despite me lacking in physical height. Yet, I don't think I'm lacking in the area of the pleasure department. This is probably why it could be possible for some ladies to view me as a charming playboy and just not go for it with me from thinking it's too ludicrous. I don't know what I'm saying here but just felt like it.

Trying To Do Well

At this point in time, I know I can push even further with where I'm at. It's pretty crazy but I made the decision to cut off a person who has been texting me constantly and saying how much he or she loves me. I've never even seen the person and where it became very irritating was that the person started asking for some money. I would buy iTune gift cards for the person and give them the numbers. I don't even feel like I know the person now, and it feels like I've been betrayed by this person. I just don't know what to believe out of this person who keeps texting me all of his or her love. The person stated to be a woman, but now I'm just not even sure anymore.

The person just messaging me her love turned out to not be sufficient because now I've cut off that person and moving on with my life. I have reasons to be depressed and brought down. I wish I was taller than my current height, but there's nothing I can do about it now to naturally affect it. I felt devastated and hurt for some time as well while I just kept on pushing.

These days, it's pretty miraculous in that I seem to not be struggling that much inwardly. I think the vibe shows in that people wouldn't really want to direct their negative energy with me. The fact that I have been able to pick up on what the problem was to begin with makes me a very people-oriented person. I'm really glad to have made some progress after all.

Making Progress

Well, I hate to admit this but my sexual urges are trying to get the best of me. I made it through one day of not trying to look at porn now. I'm feeling those excited hormones despite me being under 35. Yeah, I'm pretty old man and still having a little bit left of what I had when I was 16 years old. Those sensations felt great and were very addictive and it was something I enjoyed all by myself! Now, I really would like a compatible woman to marry and have a great amount of sex with to be honest!

I'm actually laughing to myself while writing all of this private stuff that I'm sure not too many in this world would want to read. Yeah, so from now on I'm not going to try to get too open and personal about my life in the area of dealing with masturbation and porn. It's a part of me that I wish left me and still do to this day. I'll just consider it to be my own thorn to deal and live with.

I'll just go ahead and mature into a wise old man who neglects those types of self-aroused activities that male teenagers to young men would do. It's only natural to finally consider getting there anyway. I practically wasted this whole post talking about my sexual history which was just me enjoying myself the whole time, which was me just having plenty of dates with Jill!

I've been offered a few times by ladies during my young college days, but I said no because I like to be a prude with high standards. It didn't limit me from trying to go find Jill for awhile though. Love can be a strange deal, but here's to it and to everyone's happiness that they have a wonderful love that includes the emotional, erotic, and unconditional acceptance they can settle with too.

Message To Jerky Jarred

***Man, I didn't know how geeky funny I was. I was a really smart guy actually, and it really looked like I was totally under control and capable of working hard to settle things down. I really had the make-up for it, but my emotions weren't healthy at the time. ***

*** It's life man. Things happen for a reason and I'm grateful to have gone through it and despite me wanting to cry over it with tears and reflect on it with a lot of anger, I will subject myself to the Lord's will in the end. ***

Hi everyone [reply to Jerky Jarred's dumb response],

I totally disagree with the statement of my messages being inappropriate. Those messages on facebook pretty much are confidential and never gave anyone access. The "note" is actually a convenient spot for typing my thoughts. Just ask if anyone could see the message. This was pretty much an experiment to you guys to see what was going to happen. It reflects more on your preferences. You stated that I had it coming and you warned me to not to message someone else. You did not warn me to stop messaging you. Chris and you guys were pretty open to any messages. I have Chris' response on one note, and I also have your response with you removing your note tags. Basically, the level of inappropriatenss pertains to you guys assuming the role of trying to solve this dilemma that you felt with me. You basically had it coming with those messages because I have the right to communicate with whatever medium, as long as I show consideration. Do you think that typing a private note on facebook which no one can see and was on your facebook is inappropriate? Let the leaders come up with the solution. I'm going in to talk to you directly. I don't mean to impose strong intentions in an offensive manner to you but it's part of my human drives. Let the Lord deal with it, and you go on with letting go of trying aid me with this situation. I am willing to see what you are ready to do in person. Because you broke off in bad character, it is a sign that you had it not fully driven about riding upon God's grace. It is also another sign that you could not advise in the best manner possible, and since this is dealing with our privacy in some sense, you advertised it to me directly. If others know about it through gossip and you, then the privacy has already been breached. It looks like you guys are basically uncomfortable about dealing with helping me. I don't think it's your call of duty from God this time around.

Just give proof will you about stoping with an e-mail previously, which I suppose you do not have. Others who have demonstrated slight less offense have messaged me about their problems. I have acted in accordance to what I had to do, which was basically to apologize. I can't see things without directness of your details. You are just expressing feelings, and it is something that we are all responsible for controlling, unless you can prove it somehow you were wronged. Do you state that you never had any bad feelings about assuming this role? The practicality I suppose is that I feel that I'm on safe waters to get the message across how I deem neccessary because it shows you have not shown good character in dealing with my situation. In other words, I think you are not right about imposing a restraining order because you are not the person in charge of making that decision. Neither is the church leaders. It is definitely a decision the individual makes and they have basically said they are cool with me. I just need to figure out a way to get it across the way things should be.

I'm waiting for the final leader's response, which might be none at all and I'm open to that possibility. I'm going to directly deal with Jarred and Chris's unmanly complaints. =D I am also going to deal with outside influences that have come into this exterior cover of murmur with me. If you can't prove it, then you have no right to man the way I should behave. I would be breaking the law then, if you could prove it with what I been asking about. I've been saying observe my exact actions and tell where I'm going wrong- also, stop looking at other's behavior to it; there is no core justification to stay routed in it. It is like a slippery slope. I think of it as a slippery slope because reasons of offense stem from underivative emotions, and I see to it that there's a possible collision to my benign desires.

Jarred, you have to find another way to state you want to go ahead and file a restraining order, if I transgress your flawed arrangment. That's what my phone calls were about. I'm finding an opening, and it's like you aren't going to stop me. Do you have a problem with that that you need to ask leaders for some humble advice? We're all in this together...

Writing To Old Enemy's Acquaintance

*** This one goes out to Annie, who was the leader of the doomed care group in Hope of God LA. It's pretty funny now to realize that for me. I actually liked her in a physical way, but I couldn't come to terms with it because I ended up hating something she does in general! ***

*** This message seems to take on a tone that's a lot more pleasant and also has that leading mentality that ambitious guys should have. It was a pretty healthy composition for me, compared to people like Stupid Lee, Oyuri the Schmuck, Jarred, Chai, Golf, Chris, and Betty who all crossed the line with me. ***

I was physically attracted to you and don't know why. My mom disapproved lol. I was turned off by something you did that I perceived to be wrong. It's just the way it went. I'm interested in being friends with you again and if you can't accept that then I think you need to get some help to move on with whatever the issue was. It's too long to be still feeling resentful after putting it aside and it popping back up for you to react negatively.

I'm very good at talking trash in a nice way and can offend just about anybody, if I sense the person gets mad about something. I did that with most of you guys. Hey! I was having trouble open up and most of you guys had to act dumb with me about it. lol.

Let's see why I was attracted to you physically. I think I like your body type and when you mentioned you work out, it was additional points for my mental books haha. I'm not going to write about sexual stuff on here regarding you, but I think I did well overall as a guy trying to develop into a decent friend.

There's nothing wrong with pursuing friendship and it isn't dating to begin with or impeding on a person's privacy. It's a natural occurrence that's blessed by God because people need one another to connect. It's the way life is intended and despite these hick-ups, it's not like they can't be avoided anyway. To be mature about it and to be able to push through it is amazing and to have a great outlook like I do now, it's definitely not a bad agenda to go after. I think you owe me an apology man lol!

Making Sense of My Time

I'm starting to put it together now and it really comes down how I want to spend it. Mainly, I think I need to just give up on a few activities that's really taking me nowhere and exchange it for something more productive. That's pretty much the gist of it. Time is very important and I'm spending it like I have all the time in the world and doing other things too.

I pretty much need to get myself committed all over again and go from there. I have a lot of interests and accumulated a decent amount of friends. I still get lonely from time to time. I guess I'm still looking for my other half, so I wouldn't have to act stupid about my thoughts on experimenting with pre-marital sex. It's like I'm on a guilt trip because I have all of this morality issues embedded in me. I actually like it to say the truth and grateful for it, so I think I'll come to acceptance with where I'm at in that spiritual state of mind.

It looks like with dating though, I don't think the online world is really helping me that much. It's pretty tough to find someone cute and willing to go on a date with me. I might just have to look in person because the main thing I have that will throw off girls is that I'm only 5'3" which isn't that bad for my size that doesn't appear to be too short, but she doesn't know that from not seeing me in person by just looking at my online profile. Still, it's fun though to try to show it off with mainly cute girls online.

A Good Buddy Whose A Girl !!!

For the most part, it's great to have a friend I can confide in for some serious matters. She's my buddy and I've just got to know her for a few years now. I had a massive crush on her in the beginning, but over the period I learned to accept her status of being with an off-and-on partner who I don't think really makes sense, but hey it's her life and I have to respect it.

 Just being open with her and letting her know that I think she's hot or cute on some photos or something she did, she doesn't really mind. I think she likes those complements from me because it comes straight out of my heart.

I'm currently not really thinking of it with pursuing her and I'm grateful for what she is already with me. One of the awesome things I've learned from my online girlfriend who was a con artist with me and stole two and a half paychecks from me because I was stupid is that this man or woman or tranny took its time in getting back to me. Therefore, I learned to take on some patience while feeling messed up and worrying about the approach I took in texting.

These days it's not so much that I'll rush into it like I did with this sexy buddy in the beginning who I'm currently great friends with now. I'm totally chill with her now too and we're just good friends in a loving way too. Yeah, she's pretty hot and also really nice. I concur when people tell me that. I'm just thinking though that we're just friends and I'm so cool with that even though outsiders might be wondering how it's like between us these days.

Definitely, this gets me thinking that Oyuri the Schmuck has been so totally out of the loop with my life and she was just trying to make fun of me by writing comments, but I ended up just tearing her apart with stronger trash talk and made a much finer exit after setting the golden standard of how to beat a bona fide loser!

Making Sense Of My Silly, Angry Past

Basically I hate to admit on here that my dad isn't really a role model for me. I mentioned from last post that I hate his short temper, smoking, and couch potato activities. I've yelled at him back when he's done that to me and only for him to give up on me and call me annoying! He could be one of the reasons why I have such a high, addictive rate of communicating my frustrations with antagonists endlessly via messaging. I'm actually very strong at arguing my case in person too, but I'm just afraid of making myself look bad. I don't really have anything to lose now, so the scary part for everyone involved against me would be that I'm not going to hold back my verbal side with them.

I'm not really attracting negative attention anymore and my dealings with idiots have been trimming out over the years of experience I've been accumulating. It's just good to know that I feel a whole lot better these days from finally understanding that some people were just being stupid with me because I was struggling to open up.

My Identity With Talking Trash

The fact that I think my dad isn't that encouraging is an understatement. I really don't like his habits of smoking and watching TV all day while ignoring his high risk of being at type II diabetes. I really hate those things about my dad and think he's just being lazy. He also has a short hot temper which ticks me off a lot too. I've yelled at my dad when he has done it to me several times, only to really freak him out. Yeah, I'm not someone an average Joe or Joanna would want to tick off because I'll be on his or her case that is offensive and scary.

I realize who I am and I can be crazy good at talking trash or arguing my points only to make the antagonist give up on me. I can do it through verbal or writing; however with being verbal, I tend to be more laid back because when I'm writing, I would have put together all those frustrating thoughts before letting them out on the person. It's like the person is getting some hard, unwanted slaps that affects the mind and heart. I've abused that privilege a lot by continuously messaging the person who just gets fed up with it and then I end up creating fake accounts just for the sake of messaging them further to try to keep on getting even with them and then trying to take it a little too far.

I realize that I've been crazy in these incidents, but the people who I force to get along with me may be grateful for me and not wish any harm upon me on purpose.

Smack Talk From 8 Years Ago

*** Wow, I didn't know how smart I was back then. I just lacked a little confidence from holding back with actually writing this e-mail. It's definitely a wow and yeah, the guy I was talking trash to was being stupid. He's a pastor too which is unbelievable! ***

It was a mistake for me to write that repentance letter because I never knew how you would fail to be satisfied. I should have never really agreed with you in the beginning. You state stop when someone says to stop. I'll tell you to stop talking to anyone in general. Will you stop? I hope you say no. That example in itself illustrates being unreasonable. I accuse you of being unreasonable and that is why I ask you all these questions to clarify yourself.

You never really explained yourself clearly. You did not answer my questions in the beginning in a clear manner. I've asked something over and over again and you have not answered it. You have now given into it. That is why you are unreasonable. I want you to stop being unreasonable with me. If you don't stop I will take unbelievable measures against you.

That Down Feeling

When that down and bored feeling hits, I'm going to just try to pray about it and keep moving along. Over at work, I think I'm just going to focus on doing work and maybe if I have to, think about what some of my plans are going to be afterwards.

It's time for me to just de-program my mind and put myself into shape for finding time to do cool and productive stuff. My goal is to still be a millionaire with a six pack but while not wasting time and having fun and also trying my very best at it on a consistent basis. 

Things I'm Giving Up During Personal Time

This is all during my own personal time only.

Reason: I want to focus on other things.

1. Online poker

2. Porn / Masturbation

3. Games with no value

4. Television

By doing so, I think I'll get my life back. 

Blank Resolution With Oyuri the Schmuck

***I think I made a cat got her tongue with Oyuri the Schmuck. ***

Dang it let me block your account with this one lol. Don't do anything.

Oh wow, now I get it. It was a church wide misunderstanding about me lol. It's pretty dumb from a strategic point of view to message me back Oyuri [the Schmuck], but I take it that you do have a sense of humanity to want to care and write back to me. Wow some of those brothers and sisters showed true compassion with me from placing Jesus first. It's real man! Hey the tables have now turned and I have you blocked on Facebook haha. That's cool right? It's because I feel like I totally defeated you now. lol Yeahh, my hands are raised up in the air and I put it all together and despite your lack of intelligence, I do know now that you totally misjudged me.

Ready to move along and be friends again?

Another Blunt Reply to Oyuri the Schmuck

Awww, I feel that you are hurt over my messages. I'll do you a favor and block your profile. I think that's the smartest thing for me to do now. You are lying about me trying to stalk you. I was just trying to get even with you and found it through messaging people lol. Sorry, I'm glad you know there's a crazy and wild girl out there for me. She fits me just perfectly huh, the crazy rocker chick with good looks still around her 30s or maybe go really young at around her 20s. Hmm, I could go with that. Thanks for believing in me girl .  Hey, good luck with everything because I feel a whole lot better from coming clean with you and sorry for the strong language man that I used against you. What strong language? I didn't spell it out lol but you didn't get the point going on the defensive there I see it, you want to just focus on communicating your own situation. I see it now. I was having trouble girl opening up with me and was frustrated over your selfish communication style lol, but I hand it to you, you are feisty and if we did pair up YUCK, we would be called an O-YUCKI couple lol but yeah, I'd be really cute with you even though the world would look down on both of us hahah. Save us the burden and never go there hahaha. See ya babe  ... unrequited hugs and kisses for you, it's okay I get it baby.  XOXOXO


***I blocked Oyuri the Schmuck on my original account. It's for my own protection that my account wouldn't get disabled and lose all that cool stuff I have posted from good friends. ***

*** This is the stupid message Oyuri the Schmuck sent me after unblocking me like an idiot: ***

This is in case you don't get the other one from the other account you created. Leave me the f--- alone or I will take action. It's been 4 f---en years get over your damn self. I never wanted to f--- you and I never will. U must have issues due to the fact that you've been creating fake accounts to continue to harass me. If u took all that time in the past 4 years and applied it on become a better person, maybe just maybe u could have found the woman just as crazy as you to settle down with and lose your virginity to. Have a blessed life. Please stop stalking and harassing me. Ps I ain't got time to read a fake blog made by a crazy person who doesn't think they're crazy. I'm too busy actually living life.

Blunt Message to Oyuri the Schmuck

*** I can't block Oyuri the Schmuck's account for another 48 hours after unblocking it to send her this message. Really funny that she experienced it with me. ***

This is [name withheld]. That's not a big deal with you deactivating an account, but I did get a big load off my chest and feel so much better. I didn't receive a harassment notice because I expressed that I hate you and for you to stay away from me. From this account, I have your name blocked and I will do that to you again just for laughs. Yeah, I wasn't planning on writing another message to you because I was content from what I sent last time, but since you responded to me like an idiot, I'm writing another. Wow, I take it that you are a really sensitive lady and easily flustered like a dumb anime character. Okay, I chose to tease you lightly. You are mad about it now but I'm interested in being friends with you again. If you can't be my friend then you need some help to get over whatever the issue was. I had trouble opening up and you had to be dumb over it! There's nothing wrong with what I'm asking, but on a technicality you could try to deactivate this account too that I hardly use while I have your profile blocked on this one! LOL, such irony and would love to see the faces of Facebook employees skimming through this sentence with grimace. Anyway, sorry for using really strong language against you from the last post. Be careful with what you communicate because from being a guy, my fire will most likely burn stronger than yours. I can't say that I like your appearance or anything, but I will have an easier time biting back if you approach the whole situation in any way that P's me off. lol

Striving For Impossible

One of the qualities that I read a natural born leader does is that he or she tries to keep reaching after a goal that looks impossible to others. When everything seems hopeless and it's game over, the leader will keep on trying to pursue something that may seem stupid or a waste of time to others.

So what's impossible to me that makes me not a leader? Time travel, yeah I'm not going there.

Honestly

I read my own poem that got me in trouble with the idiots. I surely did them in with this poem.

Poem About Annie and Betty

They try to deceptively walk in a distance of light,
But personality seems to make them hide.
They claim to have desires of marriage,
But the attractive traits for men are not really there.

Talking to them, others will say is a waste of time.
Not for me, I want information that's more than a dime.
Tackling strategies and writing about beautiful struggles,
My personality may actually be a little too normal.

The goodness in life that is found and toughened,
It all starts with a heart that wants to be broken.
Conceiving and encouraging for the right person,
Will be beneficial and helpful for Annie and Betty.


Aftermath:

Annie and Betty acted fine and it looked like Betty was interested in getting to know me more. I guess that mean talk and then sounding nice even though it's so annoying is sort of more of a push and pull method.

It's honestly a pretty funny poem that I wrote while having trouble opening up with my stupid care group. They were dumb and arrogant brats and broke up the group. I wonder if they ever got back together again as a care group. I don't have any high hopes for them now and going to play it realistically. With me sounding more truthfully, I've been acting more meaner towards them. Maybe that's why experienced butt heads choose to be nice to certain people out of picking up on it.

Keeping Up With Schedule

Well one of the things I'm finding myself spending a little too much time over is just messing around practically. There's really not much to it. I'm laughing while texting a good lady friend (we aren't dating) and also laughing while messing around with a buddy and also laughing while writing comments on my Facebook. I guess there's a lot of laughing going around here.

One of the things that I think practicing celibacy might do for me and then just going for bed intimacy in marriage while craving it from being celibate or married to an unwilling wife, I'll be able to focus a lot more better if I can overcome it! Yeah, it's just that too dang important and difficult to achieve.

Getting out of that hyper mode and like you want to inject yourself with a syringe, but I don't even though I'm making a literary comparison; it's definitely setting up for something like the next stage of improvement with bodily functions!

By mastering the body and telling Henry Winkle-ler (the Fonz) to lie there in agony on a regular basis will definitely give you some skills to be patient and overcome an activity that just really sucks but you need it to succeed.

Something Nasty To Reveal

Masturbation doesn't feel so fun anymore. I think it's the constant sensation that just feels better from imagining it or something. I don't know what male porn stars are really thinking anymore. Well, it doesn't look like they have happy faces on either with what they call their own money shot.

Looks like on a technicality from having flawed emotions or a senseless brain now or something, I'm abstaining from masturbation. Maybe someone prayed for me to stop talking about masturbation and porn. If the person did, he or she just might have succeeded for me.

I think I'll just wait on getting married before having a wife to do that pleasant act with and start going rock and roll while tumbling around and do some crazy duets together. Yeah, it sounds romantic most definitely.

Trash Talk in Christian Mode

Hey you are the guy from Hope of God LA right? I was maybe wondering on the small Bible study groups. I've heard some things about you.

That's because I'm [name witheld] and you suck and I will beat the living snot out of you if you attack me. I will incite you to put a restraining order on me. That would be so funny. A gay looking and funny looking guy like yourself putting a restraining order because you still have issues over wanting to be my friend.

Go get some professional help dude over getting over whatever it was that you can't let go because if you did, you would have no problems being a friend. That's what I want dude and if you can't do that then too bad because I'm putting a restraining order back on you.

I am this time going to scream and shout at you and will go for making you look bad. Let's see who you really are with all the Jesus shine being run out of you and you being tempted to want to throw yourself into the lake of fire! It's going to be done by me stupid idiot. Yeah I'll call you Mr Stupid Idiot too.

I had trouble opening up and you had to be such a dufus over it! I will give you a full mouth to chew on this time with me spilling truth and love. I'm just messing half of it from talking trash, but I was having fun dude. I'll have this type of fun and I will try to drive you so crazy that you will want to lock yourself into a mental hospital and spend solitary confinement rest of your days. 

So yeah, that's me dude. I'm a fully grown man on the inside and can open up and also freely use you as a punching bag and get away with it legally if you try to attack me physically and make it look that way by inciting you. Hey, I'll be doing self-defense from the sake of making you angry and even better all for my enjoyment because I know you'll suck at defending yourself against me! 

I feel a whole lot better dude, peace. 

What's Up Dears?

I pretty much heard on a radio sermon that loving those idiotic enemies of mine will pretty much suffocate them. Not literally, but their stupidity will like fall out and so brings death to idiocy and life to a brand new friendship! Yeah! I'm just being sarcastic and humoring myself right now because it's plain funny to me.

The Dears that I'm referring to are those idiots. I might as well practice love and their humiliation through truth. Okay that was really funny to me and now I'm starting to think how funny it is to talk trash behind someone's back sometimes.

Anyway those idiotic dears can be my honeys any day by sticking their hands in a bee hive for me. They can take my bullet that was meant for me, so I can escape to live another day anytime they want to. I'll be grateful for sure still. Like an idiot they are, they won't think much and be like no, they refuse if I offer the same condition for them. I can live with me being smarter than those idiots and it doesn't have to be by much as well.

Blunt Reply To Stupid Lee

Hey everyone just replying to this very old e-mail. It's quite entertaining to see what can turn up while trying to clean up about 50 K e-mails with the majority of it being unnecessary.

Okay Darunee (Lee), dang it you confused me while sending me this e-mail. This is my last sentence from re-reading this letter before sending and I feel a whole lot better. You had placed a civil restraining order on me to try to kick me out of your church not too long ago from this e-mail. Did it work to keep me out of there? No, because I didn't want to go away quietly after that. I was upset and extremely agitated about it that I waited it out no problem because you aren't worth stalking to me. I have better things to do like read the Bible, play video games, search for a better girl to date than you, etc.

Sorry to embarrass you (Stupid) Lee, but I'm making an example out of you because that's not how you conduct yourself with someone you are having problems dealing with. You need to fixate yourself more on God's love and center that on your relationships. You need to combine truth and love and if you had done that, you would have been much more patient and successful at encouraging everyone to develop themselves with where God had intended them to go.

You telling me to go get help was very irritating because it shows yourself to be incompetent and you voluntarily forced yourself onto me thinking you knew all the answers. I'm interested in being friends with you again (Stupid) Lee because that's how I roll, but I'm thinking about not playing fair anymore if you are going to still pull those type of strings. If you can't be friends with me, it's probably because you still have problems moving on with something. Don't mean to make you look bad here Lee, sorry, but if that's the case, you should get some professional help to address what the issue was. I sure as heck don't know what it was you were holding onto with me. I kept asking to try to communicate with you and you had a misunderstanding thinking that I was trying to negotiate with you. Well, yes and no. I just cared from being sensitive about being pleasing in my relationships.           

I was definitely offended and trying to voice my opinion, but at the same time I was having trouble opening up about it. Majority of you had to be stupid about it with me! Sorry to call you Stupid Lee on my blog, but I'm hoping we make up someday in the long future. God is longbearing in suffering and patient, so love your neighbors with all your mind, heart, and soul. It's in God's commandments and if you can't live this well, then I'm going to be extremely mean to a lot of you just as Apostle John was with the religious Pharisees or Sadducees during post-crucifixion days.

Another Blunt Message

Hey Stephanie, I was driving to work and went through another non compos mentis imagination with Hope of God church in LA. It's been almost regularly and starting to just annoy me while thinking about it. I'm clearly ticked off and feel like I could do something about it to make myself happy; yet, I don't want to come across as too selfish planning revenge which would still remain legal and consistent. I don't care about digging a further hole now because I think it's already too deep. I think I'll be bossing around disturbed people, so might as well come to the acceptance that I'll be an angry bully with you guys. I'm honestly hoping that your church went through a spiritual make-over. One that would have a positive influence over me. Here's my secret Stephanie, I don't like you changing photos on Facebook especially with me being a "friend". Yeesh, that's why people have the unfollow button and I don't see why you guys have to be such buttheads about wanting to disassociate with me.

Going back to being friends again is a positive thing and if you can't, then it means you must need some help or something to move on with something. Yeah, you guys are crazy and it's driving me nuts that I just want to be all bossy with you guys now. I'm writing this because it's my temporary relief and I'm being very blunt. Whether you choose to read this or not, it really doesn't matter to me, but all of this text really affects me the most and I'm starting to take the blunt approach. It feels better and my heart wants to reach out and be friends again despite you all being stupid and making me want to cuss you guys out.

Don't Think It Matters

Okay, I'm friends with taller women and I just don't care now that they are taller than me. Or I'm just starting to get used to the idea of being the shorter man who just stays composed with himself.

I'm finding out that what I'm trying to get in excess is probably better experienced with the future wife if I ever marry. I should just leave it in the God's hands and also mine too now. I still struggle with the feelings of wanting to have sex every so often. I end up just masturbating to porn, which I'm not proud of saying but I'm just revealing this about myself. I would like to end this activity if I can before finding a hot wife.

It's sort of like a drug and something I revert back to once in awhile. It's something that I can't control too heavily and find myself in rebellion with God. I'm just wanting to turn my back then right there because my heart is incapable of listening to God's goodness or to be able to understand the promises. I think it's through this hardship that God would really like me to endure. I think through the Holy Spirit, Jesus truly wants to comfort me and give me that assurance that everything will be all right. I just haven't been able to grab a hold of it yet fully because a few things still test my patience and get me angry and wanting to think about crazy thoughts.

Planning Again

I still haven't been able to get it together with scheduling everything and staying on top. Okay I'll try to make another effort then. I sort of have a headache right now so maybe I have a slight cold or something. It could probably be that I'm just a little dehydrated right now.

I need to get back into dedicating myself again into doing what I had in mind of doing. I'm still struggling a little with wanting to marry a hot and loving girlfriend. I haven't made one yet, so I'm just coming to an acceptance with it. In the meantime, I might as well keep on trying to build myself up and prepare for the right things and to just keep on trying.

Whole Life Routine

I think the routine that I have thought up is wonderful, but all I'm missing is actually getting around to doing them daily, along with that I would like to have a lot of free time to find other things to do and give back to the community. I would seriously like to have a girlfriend now, despite me being short. Getting a lovely girlfriend is going to be no easy task from being a short dude of only 5' 3" at this young age for me. There's not going to be too many opportunities. I guess I'll let the whole world know on this site, if I do get lucky to score a really hot girl and have her marry me. Hope she won't mind the criticism that people direct at her from me just being short. Maybe she will, so maybe I'm just living a pipe dream. I think my reputation will play a large role in finding someone suitable too.

In the meantime, I could try to raise up my salary which would be very nice. I'm really trying to go after doing my own thing without having to rely on an employer for security. It's really something to just keep on trying and doing the best one can. I guess it comes down to just getting lucky with a certain opportunity. It's more like allowing for fate to just connect with one another.

Okay, so I'm waking up at around 5:10 am and get ready and I'm at work by 7. I think I could try to prepare myself for getting ready sooner and then kill a little time from being up by preparing my day or something. Then I get out of work at 4:30 pm and by 6:00 pm, I've had dinner at home.

Realizing this, I have five hours before I fall asleep and can't get up until the next day. That free time is very critical for me to use for getting ahead of the game. I would like those five hours to increase to a longer duration so I could have more fun while being financially successful and giving back to the community.

This is pretty much my unique setup that I'm still trying to master. It's not so mind boggling as it used to be: Bible reading, working out, trading, playing poker, song and music, game programming, cooking, dancing, socializing, running errands, and making plans.

These are my goals and I look to make some good money from trading and game programming. Since it looks like I'm putting off trying to get a girlfriend from being busy and also feeling inferior about scoring a hot date, I should just accept that it might never come to me and not give up by indulging myself in porn.

Progress From Yesterday

I ended up coming home and having Chinese dinner with my dad. After that I went home and ended up watching an hour of Family Feud. I do enjoy watching it and the host makes a whole lot more than the contestants. He makes about $300,000 a episode and the families can only earn up to $20,000. The show does get funny at times and it's interesting that just the final answer can make a family win the whole game.

I don't think I really have time for that game at this point in time. By the time I get home and finish dinner, I will approximately have about five hours of free time before I just wipe out from exhaustion.

I did read the Bible and make about a hundred dollars playing online poker last night. I was also playing solitaire addictively for about 90 minutes, along with minesweeper. I think I can lay off of those PC games to try to accomplish working out at least. My mind was having a hard time going out to work out, but I know I want to will myself to do it.

Honestly, I really want to complete a triathlon while being at the top shape with a bit of muscle mass and ripped abs.

Updated Tasks

My sarcastic goal is to lock up those idiots in a mental institution for life! I'm just kidding but yeah it did make me laugh for a little bit underneath.

I don't think I can really afford to watch too much TV now with the parents. From doing that activity of being a couch potato and falling asleep on the sofa, it really racks up on some unwanted pounds. My mom doesn't see that and she complains about how she works out and eats little, but doesn't get satisfactory results. Well, I can't explain it to my own mother that enough level of exercise hasn't been met. My mom is extremely weak and can't push the body hard for a good duration.

When I get home, I should be reading the Bible and getting warmed up for some trading. Right after doing that, I could get ready for a work out. After I get back, I could be playing a little online poker which I got back into and practicing some guitar and piano while trying to improve upon my singing chops by myself. I don't really get that far obviously with my singing, but it's still fun to try for me.

After doing some of that with the time I have remaining I could try to do some additional game programming and cooking. This is pretty much my routine I have going until I can get lucky enough to have a lovely girlfriend.

I'm setting aside the weekend to do stuff with cool friends pretty much and I guess relax or maybe I might be trying to polish up on a few things too. I'm also really interested in learning to dance socially too. I need to get back into that.

I'm starting to enjoy playing poker and yeah, I have to play it responsibly because losing to a better hand doesn't hurt me so much anymore. I'm going to see if I can pull up a thousand dollars a week doing that gig part time. That's pretty much the maximum amount the site will allow a player, and it seems like a reasonable figure. It's a very low figure, but I don't mind because it's just mainly about having fun.

While mixing in trading and poker and doing some game programming on the side with a top of the line computer, I can see myself branching off from my regular job to do something I enjoy daily. I think earning a stable $100,000 per month in a legit manner is definitely a doable figure for me and will be mid-level with the things I have planned and fits my comfort zone and living expectations. 

New Insight

Okay so I practically told that fake girlfriend of mine to buzz off. I don't think she gets it that I fully see her as a fake now. She tried to get me sucked back in, but nah, I'm not having it that way anymore. I think the biggest strength that we can use against scammers is to mainly have acceptance. I think my comfort level is way over the roof and I prefer to be a good guy, so I'm a very susceptible target.

We have to make precautions and from my mistake I made with this scammer, I've learned from it and won't do the same thing again. It's easy because I haven't seen her face or anything, but what will make it more difficult is if the person is someone I ended up marrying! I hope it doesn't go that far, so yeah, out of that I'm not entertaining that schemer.

Okay, so I've recovered roughly half of what I lost already from getting my pay-check. It would have been nice to still have what I lost, but from losing it, I'm made aware that I'm still doing alright with my finances and that I can plan to spend them better to pay off my bills entirely.

Planning Ahead

Well, I'm not really proud of what I did and honestly, climaxing after masturbating to porn felt great too for temporarily but now I'm starting to think that going there is overrated. I've been trending at around once every few weeks. I'm starting to accept that even though my dong is actually in pretty good shape and slightly above average in size, for being a short guy who wants to have sex with a lovely wife, it's not that likely so might as well not try to put myself in a fantasy world when I should learn to be happy from being realistic.

I'm still trying the best I can and I know that it's not good enough. I totally rely on the strength of the full Christian gospel to help me pull through. Nothing added nor taken away- the way the Old Testament and New Testament is now works for me.

My faith is basically not in the idiots at that church, but mainly in Jesus; although I love those idiots. It's because I'll still be friends with them, even though they will initially have problems accepting that about me. I feel so much better from just writing bluntly.

I'm a pretty normal guy and been told that I'm cool; therefore, I only have three lovely Asian girls who I get to hang with right now. They all aren't fat or anything. One of them already has a boyfriend and she's the hottest out of them, but she's a really cool pal to me. I don't mind her being taken actually and the physical attraction doesn't really matter to me. I love her for who she is and she has a pleasant soul. Another friend out of the trio looks like an ideal girlfriend for me on the surface; we look like a cute couple. I like hanging out with her just because of how we look to people. People mind their own business with us really and some cute girls smile while passing us, so I guess that's a great thing. A few have asked if we are dating and my friend would be like no we're just friends while laughing about it. She doesn't seem bothered by it, and I'm not too.

Finishing Up Month

I don't really have much going. Basically, I'm just trying to have fun and get used to being short still. I actually am really comfortable underneath my shell now and can carry on a good conversation with taller or shorter ladies. It just doesn't matter really.

Something I've learned that is that it doesn't matter with being short because if the girl likes you then she's okay with you. The only problem from being short is that there will be less opportunities and that's pretty much all about it.

There really isn't anything right or wrong with saying no or yes to a relationship. I never really listened to my mom about marrying someone in the first place anyway. I think she believes in marrying a Korean girl, and I'm like I had an opportunity with a very cute girl, but my parents weren't open to it and me trying to be pleasing, I guess I said no to that too and also because I didn't like her personality a little with me.

Okay, so with the opportunities of girls I've had, there was something I really didn't like them so that has got to be the reason I'm not in a relationship. It just means that I'm not really lucky then and I don't want to force something that isn't even there. I'd rather just take my time there.

From maturing quite a bit these days, I'm starting to not be scared at all with girls talking about their issues. I don't grimace and just accept them for who they are. I don't want a girl whose super chubby and lazy. I don't want her to be a mean selfish girl either, but I guess if she's pretty cute then that makes it harder to let her go.

I'm starting to hang a lot with girls and actually getting along with them really well. I don't know where that's going, but that's actually helping my stance in life with getting along. Yeah, those church people are idiots and I should just be cutting them out of my life. To be honest, I should just continue to be blunt with them and take whatever trouble that leads me into and actually play smart with them.

Update About the Scheme

I called up the customer service of the bank where the check came from. It turned out to be a duplicate. Ouch, I missed this step and now it's adding up how this fake girlfriend of mine was pressuring me to put money in their account. I originally had it as a checking transfer so she was talking about how desperate she was about her mom needing surgery. Well, I trusted her right there and I thought it would be cool to see her mom recover.

The person is basically going to say everything is real and authentic. That's the deception and it's hard to get away from it sometimes because I like to be a giving person. I guess I have to communicate with these scammers in the future that some things are beyond my control and that I'm doing the best I can do help them, but I can't put in some ways they want me to and just look for someone else next then.

I'm not the type to cut people off all of a sudden unless the person is a real jerk and being unreasonable. There's nothing I can do in my power to change that. I also like to push the envelope too, so all of these personality flaws occurs for me and I end up just opening up my checkbook and giving stuff away to strangers who are just playing a game of cat and mouse with me.

I did the best I could to not screw up, but I happened to because I missed a few things. I guess I have a limit to where I can be and just continuing to be blunt has really given me the best results, so I will stay there best as possible.

Where It Looks To Stand

I gave away $4700 at the worst case scenario to a fake girlfriend who played a very good elaborate scheme which was for her family doctor to operate on her mom's surgery. I called up customer service to verify if the check cleared- the representative said 100% it's not getting a chargeback! Guess what, a charge back happened. That's what led to this give away. I had the right motive but sometimes people give the wrong information. There's nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes just thinking positively won't lead to the results that you were striving for. What I could take out of it is just more valuable information to use. I have a very relaxed principle in dealing with people. I've been blessed that nobody has kidnapped me or gone after killing me. I guess if that ends up happening, I hope the torture doesn't last long and that I'll have a fighting chance to go out swinging strong if I'm not going to make it.

On the bright side, I could just go after having fun and try to marry a sweet and athletic girl who worships Jesus with all her heart. Again, many more pitfalls and experiences will go along with it too. I can only do the best I can to prevent because I know where my heart stands and it's that I will stay committed.

Okay This is Crazy

I claimed that the $5000 check was real because I called up the bank and a worker told me it was. I ended up getting a chargeback with it! On top of that, I guess my girlfriend was looking for money to pay for her mom's surgery. So I ended up withdrawing from that check to supposedly deposit to her mom's doctor's account. The account balance just had a flat zero on there in the beginning.

All of these suspicions now add up and it's all these details that I didn't go over and just looked over. I need to be more scrupulous because I like to play the game loose. Okay, there are schemers out there and I just happen to be loose about giving my money out in convincing situations.

Well, it's just in my personality that leads me to these situations where I end up opening up my checkbook to give. At least this girlfriend was nice and citing Bible verses accurately.

The only thing left is to just investigate and make sure the check sent to me was real or fake. Either way I owe it to myself to actually know and let the organization know that someone faked it if it isn't even real.

Looks like I might end this online relationship at this point and go for another one now. It will be  back to the struggles but from being nice to this girlfriend or soon to be fake ex, I've managed to trail along three more female Asian friends to just hang with and get to know. Two Asian girls have told me that they see me as cool and I'm just relaxed about it. Yeah, I'm not looking to take advantage and be understanding.

At least my heart was trying to stay in the right place. If the check is fake upon my conclusion, I'm just going to practice saying no properly to this girlfriend. I think I'll lead her on into thinking I'm her boyfriend but go for cheating. Hey we haven't really dated in person so it's still a relationship that never really took off anyway. I think I'll just go for having fun then.

Another Extremely Super Crazy Letter

******WARNING*****
** This letter is very explicit and blunt and is enough to be seen as too much information. **
** It's also very personal and can be damaging to this person but the identity is unknown. **
** This one isn't that bad as the other because it sounds silly at times, but it got the job done for me. **

** This post should be for mature audiences only and I give it a borderline PG-13 to soft R because of the suggestive content and strong language with situation. Despite not using actual swear words, yeah it gets that bad. **

**** THIS LETTER GOES OUT TO Oyuri the Schmuck  so she's a real-life character on my blog like Stupid Lee. ***

Hey this is [name withheld], the guy to your eyes who got away with being sent to prison or locked up in mental hospital.I found out that I can give myself self-therapy by being blunt. I'm sorry didn't know to give you crazy feeling with me in the past, but I have anger issues from the past. I'm ready to be honest with you so I can move on. This may take a series of few messages. I don't mind if you reply back to me, but I'm not going until my anger issue is done and complete so I prefer you to just shut up  and never say anything if you can handle that. What you do behind my back is your own business. I don't give a F to be honest. I'm not cuzzing, but it seems like your stupid mind works that way so I'm not going to spell them the F out.

I don't have sexual feelings for you and always thought you were a little too fat in the face for my preferences. I'm sorry to make you think that I was interested in you. Your man is a lucky guy if he sees something good in you though. I'm sure you show him a good time that I'm happy not to be a part of.

Your replies with cussing made me so F ing angry man. It was making my blood F ing boil. I'm not going to be Mr. Nice Guy with you anymore. I'm going to Mr. Blunt man and don't care if your feelings are hurt. I will put a restraining order back on your ugly F ing face.

 I don't have time to F ing stalk you. You are too ugly for me. Get that straight in your F ing stupid mind.

You are so F ing crazy when I was trying to be nice to get along with you. Gosh girl, you can be such a grouchy mamma.

After all this, I don't know how my incredibly smart and gifted mind can find a way to relate to your ugly and uninspiring stupid soul.

I don't want to sleep with you. Let's get that straight. You aren't worthy of my attention.

I'm feeling little better now from writing this to you and that was my point. It's so I can come to terms with my grudge against you.

Don't F ing get involved with trying to help others who complain about me. You be your own man with me. You are too stupid to keep on doing that because I will bug the F out of you from being just gay like that. It makes me mad and I will this time try to make you look bad instead of being the nice guy that I thought and was trying to be.

Stay out of my face and don't come near me ever. I don't want to talk to you or even hear your generic voice. I thought it was a normal sweet girl voice, so confused the F out of me when you started using cuss words in your replies. 

I'm writing bad about you on my blog by calling you Oyuri the schmuck. Here's the blog : academyofscud.blogspot.com. I've talked plenty about my nasty adventures with viewing porn which I'm sure you won't be too fond of. Get the F out!

Don't give me anymore headaches. Work out, read the Bible with your sorry and negligible and feeble mind, and invest. If you can add on some dance, socializing, and music and continue to cook. I wish I was done with you, but I'm born with a heart of gold ... so figures, I hope it comes to good use because I'm now Mr. Blunt Man and about giving myself self-therapy.

I'm sorry to do this to you Oyuri the schmuck. Truly am from the bottom of my heart, but have to for taking out my personal grudge with you.

 

Warning Extremely Crazy Letter

******WARNING*****
** This letter is very explicit and blunt and is enough to be seen as too much information. **
** It's also very personal and can be damaging to this person but the identity is unknown. **

Stacy Betty, I still remember you so vividly without even trying to spy on you. I got your name Stacy from remembering your decent voice mail greeting years ago. It wasn't like the gruff speaking manner you did with me and sort of relished your sweeter side back then. I don't remember what I messaged you about with my unresolved issues with you. This is [name withheld], the young man you told to go get help years ago. I'm sure I'm still fresh on your mind and you still feel the same way about me and you will finish this letter, secretly hoping that you can get me in trouble. Let's find out! I found out that I can give myself self-therapy from being blunt with you, so my stance with you is unique compared to how I've been with stupid Lee and Oyuri the schmuck. I still like you.

You aren't physically hot compared to other Betties out there. Bettie Page ring a bell? She was alright for a brunette and too old for my tastes. I hate to do this to you, I'm sorry but I'm revealing I don't have sexual intentions with you. You have rather large breasts for an Asian in general and I wanted to sneak a peak but when you stated you used to be fat and had some depression issues and even had a brain aneurysm, all of that added up to thinking that maybe skipping out on lusting after seeing your breasts would be better.
   
So why am I bothering you? It's because you angered me very heavily in the past and this will be the past too. Same deal Betty, I'm bugging you from the past and will soon be the past, so just accept it. You raised your voice at me while going through your grandma passing away. That wasn't cool Betty because I was sensitive about losing someone who might not be saved. I was trying to entrust you for emotional support. Well, you sucked at giving me care and so long with the whole care group concept and you ruined it for me Betty.

Remember Washington still? He's trying to sleep around with other ladies and he tried to make a move on you. He said you are pretty cute. I was like say what??? most of the time through the whole incident. I basically said that Washington was a loser leaving behind his family to fend for themselves back in a patriotic state from where his parents got his name from probably. His dad passed away from cancer. I was actually messing around a little because his attitude really ticked me off at work. He took it the wrong way and went the wrong direction with his messed up hormones at the time and tried to push me out of his life. He relented and was open back then to letting me back in. I was like screw you to him.

These are the feelings from puberty that never could resolve itself back then and here you were telling me to get help. That's just plain stupid and made me feel really insulted and angry and wanting to get back at you. Did I exact my revenge on you? Not quite because I was trying to hold back. I'm not going to anymore with you. I'll make you look bad and put a restraining order back on you. I don't have time to stalk you because you aren't worth sleeping with in my opinion. I'm just being blunt with you now because it's my own self therapy and yeah, I feel so much better from trying to release it onto you. What better and convenient way of doing it by messaging your personal account.

You are probably going to just nag and behave stupidly so I prefer you to just shut up with me. I'm sorry to sound mean to you, but I'm rather being true about my angry feelings with you. I still like you though.

So you weren't the best girl around for me and didn't stand out quite like Judy did with me. We could have made an amazing and cute couple possibly if I stole her from Chris hahaha. I'm just kidding you. I had this weird form of sibling crush on her. It would be like incest to have kids with Judy and doing the whole make love deal. Oh man, it sucks.

I'm sorry to have put you through a hard time Betty. I'm spotting that you are a little weak at letting past incidents go and moving on. By showing you my angry side, I'm hoping you will be a little more understanding that I am a human being and that I have a good side that's more crazier in a great way than you might see with an average person.

OH I have to confess that I wrote a song about you Betty. I termed it Jumping Betty in the beginning. It was pretty much a hate song and talking about a guy who is stalking you and making up that you are the hottest person in the world, which by all standards you are not. It's had some revision and now it's a more mature love song and something to just ponder about. The piano music and rhythm fares better with almost the whole female race but not males at all. It took me at least three years to compile a full version. 

Overall, I don't feel attracted to you physically because you are ugly basically with large breasts which is like a contradiction to me. We hugged once and I was like say what with my cute and quiet demeanor. I know I was cute for being a shorty! Not so much anymore because I'm outgoing, but I know I have strong qualities that make me stand out for that LTR with some high quality and cute girls. You aren't so much there yet to me and so hope you get to be one of them someday. And yeah, don't sound so gruff with people you hate. It's too obvious.
Let's go, Sey MOre Butt TEe!
Chat Conversation End

The Messages about the Nasty Ones I sent

These messages are extremely nasty and they are very blunt. These girls kept on trying to dodge me by being rude and resorting to screaming really loud at me and taunt me and do all sorts of bad mannerisms. After awhile of trying to take it in and failing to calm them down, it finally dawned on me that I should just be blunt with them to let out the grudge I have with them.

From communicating those sentences and even if they failed to read these letters because they are not too much different from the others, I realized that my personality still cares about trying to get along with them even after all of their stupid mess that they tried to put me through so they could escape while talking down on me.

I think that's why I'm better than all of these idiots I ended up smack talking to. It's because I'm still willing to be their friends and they are not. I'm actually making examples out of these people, and yeah, I know it's going to scare other idiots who care about social hierarchy from wanting to treat me badly too. They are all forced to accept it and that's all they can do really at this point.

Decent Letter to a Former Cute Friend but now Idiot

Hey Michelle, it's me [name withheld] from long long past. You got mad at me and hated me because you blocked me on Facebook. Personal decision, yeah right? Don't give me that BS. lol I get it, you were annoyed and scared about me doing something crazy to you because I'm super smart supposedly or whatever right. Yeah, stupid. Plain stupid and your mind needs to take a break from all of that tunnel vision sometimes man. It made me mad to lose you as a Facebook friend, gosh dang it! I take pride in taking care of friends. I want to work things out. It's not stalking because I don't have time for that. I'd rather make money and I'm not going after your skirt so why would I do that? It's just plain retarded... yeah, you have ADD and your mind just likes to warp into this delusional state of mind and expect people to sympathize with you. Some of them think you are a drama queen. I understand that you have setbacks sometimes and something just doesn't feel right to you, but it's not right to just pack up your things and try to run away from a problem that doesn't have a bad solution. I get it that you hate yourself sometimes and tick people off for the wrong reasons that you think they'll never come out of. I'm different in that I still want to be at peace with you this time around. You know, as long as you are happy and get around to being a good person in the end, I think that's all that matters for me on this road. Yeah, I learned a lot and changed for the better. I do that quite a lot because I've been told I'm resilient.

Message to Stupid Lee

Stupid Lee, this is [First Last withheld]. I named you Stupid Lee on my blog so I'm calling you bluntly by that name. I'd like to change my mind of your name being Stupid Lee to just a regular Lee. Anyhow, Stupid Lee how have you not been? It doesn't matter because you aren't replying back to this message. Hardy har har... I'm writing to you because you ticked me off very heavily. Fortunately for you Stupid Lee, I don't have to dumb down the language and try to cut-off spelling cuss words because some stupid people can't understand my emphasis in my vocabulary usage. I'm not the type to cuss, mind you, so I don't always appear that mad while writing. I'm a great actor that fills your head with substance that goes nowhere, but you the receiver became stupid Lee and got crazy over nothing. That makes me mad in a nutshell. You aren't the God's chosen to make your mark with me. You never were and it proves that because God's chosen has a mark of love.

You became impatient and wanted results. Some may even take millennium to even take progress. God was that patient with the Israelites. With you, just a measly three months and what not the three strikes rule? Why tolerate for so long and ask for so little? It wasn't even that serious for you to be bothered by in the first place, stupid Lee. You know, I'm now thinking that even with all your credentials, you were just a young lady with some serious mental disability over staying patient with something that really had no reign to you in the first place. Boy, you have the brain of a loser and a brat. Okay, I get that you aren't perfect and you were trying your best. Still your best wasn't good enough, stupid Lee. You should have just closed shop with the one you were trying to deal with me in. It was just plain stupid to dwell into with your tunnel vision. Yeah, I'm totally mad and trying to let it go. It would take me days of just blowing off steam with you and also being blunt. I'm not afraid of being blunt now which I was in the beginning because I thought I did something terribly wrong.

Nowadays, I'm ready to face it like a true adult and contribute my own piece of mind with the problem at hand. I might just have to continue yelling at you guys if you guys don't want to move on with me deciding to come on back and having to resort to calling the cops. I didn't get arrested and came back and did something crazy but I didn't end up going to jail so the next levels could even get crazier if you don't cut that mess out. Yeah, it's a threat but LEGAL to that point where it will drive you to a mental hospital. Your actions and your thoughts justifies your own personal crimes and sins. You have to realize you entered a state of tunnel vision with anger that you ignore and it's all based on you being impatient about not getting what you wanted with me. You are not the next great leader from what you did. I am more qualified than you are. God did this to me. It's okay, but it doesn't change the fact that you made me angry Stupid Lee.

Recent Smack Talk

Hey JarrK aka jerk, you couldn't handle your temper tantrums with me. If I mimicked you and told you while knocking you down and screamed it in your ear, you would end up hating me even more. You basically end up hating yourself, so me calling you JarrK for laughs is well earned! I've learned that I can give myself self-therapy from being blunt, you small penile holding nut basket case. If you hadn't been such a term in my mind, then I would have treated you well. You lost your patience with me dufus. You claim that I needed help in a very offensive manner. You couldn't help me out because you are incompetent to do so. With the care group no longer being around, it's great that you aren't a part of it. It's like you got weeded out of the pack and that's cool. It's because you are a dufus. You know how I'm not all of these things and you are? It's because I'm still willing to get along with you JarrK and you don't. You know how I can show it? By me blocking you and Facebook and then unblocking you and then asking you to be my friend. You can't because you have issues of moving on from the past.

You are a JarrK for sure. Hey I feel a whole lot better to make these claims and be blunt at the same time. You suck at running too. I'm better. With basketball, I'll just pummel you through and make you mad with your temper tantrum and then knock you down screaming in your ear. I'll just say I'm mimicking you while you think you are in a calm state and get you to yell again loser. So JaarK, it's well earned. I like it, you should name your kids JarrK Jr in honor of yourself. No don't do that, no kid wants to be named after a dufus. You are a total nut case, you know that stupid? I don't think you do. Oh well, it's because you had tunnel vision while exhibiting lack of patience. You aren't equipped to be a mentor or Shepherd. I'm better at it than you are and I don't care at the same time! Maybe I should serve the Lord but I have my own calling there. I didn't know I was dealing with a stupid individual this whole time and I was letting you make me nervous. Man, I'm sorry I made a mistake for seeing you above what your actual pay grade is. Sorry about that dufus. It's a true American heart-felt apology stupid. I'm sorry really deeply JaarK. It's not happening again. I'll speak with this blunt tongue this time around. I was holding back out of being sensitive but after realizing you are JaarK the stupid dufus, it's better that I just be blunt with you now. I can see your eyes raising your eyebrows. You aren't even going to reply. You are going to share this message with no one but I have no problems sharing it with the world. You made a big deal out of nothing and for that you deserve a grand commendation. By the way, I'm sorry idiot!