Making Adjustments

I'm not going to lie but from being single and almost already 35 next year, man, that's a huge number and I'm this little guy with a big heart. I want to really think that way. Thinking about it, I actually feel sorry for the wives of Jarred and Chris at that old and lame Hope of God church. They (intentionally left ambiguous) might be loving and sweet sometimes, but they really have a bad side to them. I'm not really interested in Mina or Judy either. It's like whatever for me, but I'm just talking about them because I feel annoyed with Jarred and Chris and thinking about Jarred and Chris (intentionally revealed) being bad at romance and sex!

I'm basically saying that if you end up finding the right person to fall in love with, everything just falls into place. I'm preaching it and I read this from a slick autobiography about the author spending his time sleeping with prostitutes. He would analyze the woman's body and how their sexual prowess was and all of that which guys are prone to doing. In the end, he fell in love with a prostitute! Out of that humor, there's the conclusion that if you meet the right person for whatever context, it's lining up and happening.

With four kids running around Chris and mentally testing him, I'm coming back to really make him stressed out! If Chris was smart, he would just leave and never come back to the old and lame Hope of God church. I'll tell him that to leave if he doesn't want to add me on Facebook because he's already so stupid anyway and I'll tell that to Jarred the same. Obviously, I'm being random with my truthful statements with feelings but emotions are meant to be contradictory from the start anyway. I'm guessing it's a mark to show that we have sinful natures already.

Jesus was melancholy and weeping at the Garden of Gethsemane. It's holy and he was crying about the Father having to abandon him at the cross to pay the ultimate price for washing away all sins to believers who want it. I guess there's nothing selfish then about wanting a friendship with a stupid and silly person like Chris or Jarred. Jarred, I'm thinking is a lazy putz and like a spoiled brat and gets moody when he's convinced something is so right and not getting his way but I'm glad he's wrong, and he's about to get my physical treatment to remind how he was really wrong and he's of no help. Jarred is going down the drain.

Basically, if Jarred was smart too, he would leave that lame church also and never come back.  I need to stay cool and follow the rules. Their rules are twisted and out of proportion. They suck as human beings because they want to be all religious with Christianity! They are limiting their own potential and not seeing the actual truth about Christianity. It's about having freedom with a relationship to God through faith that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Freedom in a relationship via any means is so much different from practicing religion. Chris really sucks and has a distorted view about life, but hey, the human heart is wicked and deceitful already. You can look all nice on the outside but on the inside, it's all chaos!

So what have I been doing besides just masturbating occasionally and feeling great about lasting awhile to porn? I've been feeling like how porn is useless because I'm going on longer each time. It gets boring and it's like this might not even be sex sex anymore with a real girl, if I ever find the right one to marry. Yeah, I'm going to be very sexually active in marriage. Porn isn't helping me to do that because it really tests the conventional standard to begin with. I've been trying to study what creates pleasure in sex but it looks like emotions and taking turns pleasing each other with like an understood language of love is what gets the job done! Looking at porn from a feminist's point of view is wrong too because it's having sex outside of marriage but the emotions and all of it match to what should be in a marriage. In a marriage with all of that good feminist stuff coming straight out of porn and the guy enjoying it like at a sky-rocket pace, then yeah sex is meant to be so fun and it's all for you with the one partner who fell in love with you- your wife. Yeah, it makes all sense and adds up. Masturbating to porno is wrong even though it feels good sometimes. There should be a partnership and communication going on and me having nobody yet, I need to go find her!

It really hurts to have a girl I'm sort of digging having a different perspective of life, so I'm just going okay, friend and I'll hang with her and I'm not convincing her to change. After awhile, she just stays a friend. Sometimes, she shows her romantic interest in me and I'm like, hmmm then.

I'm apologizing to God right now via praying to Jesus that I'm sorry for being so stupid and thank you, for letting me start another day fresh again. I already feel so much better!  Amen.

So basically, I'm a total smart aleck and can figuratively tear a huge hole out of nothing on the ground for people to fall into. I like to reach my hand in and forcefully pull them out in an angry fashion and then start lambasting them like a butthead. It's really funny to me now that I think about it and I don't feel bad about it. All I want now is for those people to run far away from me and for me to never see them or just add me on any social media site that I could look at and laugh at them behind their backs.

I ended up setting up some trades and one of them went really well right away. I need to do a rinse and repeat type of method and I'm digging the trading style I'm doing. I'm going to stick to it and trade pretty much volumes without me knowing what I'm doing and just keep working at it a little each day. I don't really mind turning this into a profession for me, and I won't have to deal with the headache of having to clock in at an office from 5 am to 6 pm everyday because that's how it feels with me waking up to drive and coming back home each day.

Oh yeah, lastly I managed to get a small workout in. I need to expand on it and I missed out on reading the Bible from being distracted with my hormones and looking up porno to masturbate to like an idiot. I haven't done it in like a few weeks so yeah, it felt really good! Yet, I think I need to deny myself the pleasure (pun intended) and go after marrying a good girl. It's all of that torture and hard road that I think God is trying to shape me up still with. Yeah, I'm pretty unique and going to probably last for a long time because of my emotions and desires with loving being around people and even those I want to smack around and despise like the lame people at that Hope of God church in Los Angeles.

Update on Life

So I pretty much had a date with a female friend and yeah, it was just the two of us. She broke up with a decent looking, outwardly pleasant, and hardworking guy. The guy was really frustrated about not getting enough attention from her and wanted more out of her. It was too much for her to handle so she cut him off and he's weeping about it and will probably never get over it. She's pretty much a hot tamale and I had a one-on-one time with her at an awesome restaurant. I paid for the meal too because the food only cost $26 dollars for two people and to stuff ourselves. Man, that was a great price and I can spend that much on myself at an all-you-can-eat BBQ place.

I have another date with another friend coming up and I almost completely forgot about that because this friend of mine wanted to do stuff together again. When I think about this friend, I'm like I'm all used to being around hot, Asian girls. It's like a natural occurrence for me already, so I don't care.

It's really crazy how I might actually be really gifted at managing my own relationships with stupid people ( who make me mad) and nice friends. With the stupid people, I want them all to add me on any social media site. I don't care what it is, I'll even create something new to accommodate them. They are stupid and who cares, why would I stalk their profile besides wanting to look at it and say something to make fun of them?

The smart stupid people will basically leave behind other stupid people, so they will never have to face my wraith of making them add me on Facebook. Okay it's whatever.

On to the real topic, I fell asleep after the dinner with pretty much hot friend (she's stressing out about her cute little sister's issues). I don't think people look at us badly and in fact, I think it looks very favorable for me. She's also like my hot wing woman. Heh, I can put to use her social skills as a hot girl. She hates being pursued from just being seen as hot because she really has a sweet side that she would rather focus on.

I ended up trying to do some trades on my computer and then I just knocked out after. I got pretty close to getting up to work out though. I think what ended my night is that the time was around 9 pm and then I just laid down without changing on the bed and boom, lights out with the computer still running...

I actually like this setup of doing trades, working out, and then studying the Bible as my bed time. I'm still working on this but I think I will repeat this intention again tonight.

Different Methods

I found out that I fall asleep right after reading the Bible last night! This means that for my daily four priorities that I'm trying to complete, I'm going to have to make it three. I'm not trying to get rid of the Bible, so I'll read it last. What I'm going to save for optional than is cooking if I'm still awake.

My plan will be pretty much to work on my trades right after dinner and then go work out. After coming back, I plan on washing up and doing all of that jazz with exfoliating my skin and growing taller stretches. I will then lastly skim through the Bible with my super long and spiritually enriching commentary for three chapters. It's a lot of spending time because this guy's commentary I'm reading just goes off talking about millions of other topics and different verses just to elaborate on one verse. Man, it's a lot of reading so I'm just going to start skimming through it because I plan to finish it every year anyway. I'm going to try to stay awake as much as possible to skim through three chapters every day before I go to sleep. It will be like my bed time story but in a grown-up fashion. I knocked out so hard yesterday after reading the Bible.

Lastly, if I'm still able to miraculously stay awake, I might as well go for cooking and if I'm still awake after that then might as well binge on anime or something after I finish my other left over priorities on the table.

Making Adjustments

Last night, I ended up falling asleep at around 8 pm. I woke up at 4:30 am the next day. This isn't that bad considering how I slept so early to get plenty of sleep in! I'm not really feeling tired at all right now.

I think there's seriously something in my mom's food that just makes you sleepy after eating it in the evening. Or it could be just that I'm getting too old to still live with my parents and my body telling me that I'm a loser by just shutting down like that.

I'm perfectly fine with living my parents so far and I'm trying to find a way to break loose by becoming financially successful. I don't want to work for another company. I want to have so much independence and make a lot of money at the same time. I have so many different goals in mind.

It's the same old stuff that I'm dreaming about and having trouble put together on a consistent basis. It doesn't really matter because it's a huge risk to begin with.

Living Example

I might very well be one of those short people who are dispelling the myth that you can't find a hot girl to marry just from being short. I've found unattractive girls who were interested in me for a serious relationship and oh yeah, I did find a physically attractive girl who said she wanted a relationship with me. She was a Vietnamese girl who was coming onto me and I think she liked how I tried to be courteous to her and made her laugh from trying to do my best. It's so funny and I think she didn't know what I was getting myself into.

I didn't really like her though because she said she keeps on getting sick. I was like is that why she has a really thin body that looks hot? Okay, so I snubbed her and she got mad at me. Good times! I was crazy and bad and felt like I was spiraling downward and it just wasn't going my direction. I felt restless and anxious and worried about everything and that no one could help me. Man, those emotions sucked. I was just about the most insecure person that a nice person could get.

Flash forward 9 years later, I'm really comfortable being around girls. Sometimes I feel a little aggravated being around a hot girl just because she's taller than me! Man, I get moody underneath and it's like my pre-nervousness but I have so much boldness that I seem to forget about it and feel fine after like 30 seconds of clearing my mind of those thoughts.

There's a girl I've gotten to know really well and care for and she's very sweet to people she cares about. On top of that, she's also physically attractive and she enjoys working out and maintaining a lady-like figure. I'm sexually compatible with her and she said she loves me while showing those subtle signs of expressing intimate interests. It's a little alarming to me because she has an inactive boyfriend in her life that she wants to stay in a relationship with. It's funny and I can't take that away because it goes against my morals. She might just stay status quo with this guy. I don't know what to make of it yet, if I were to get in a relationship with her so I'm just cool with staying great friends with her for the rest of my life! It's basically what we have is something really special already and that it doesn't matter if stuff happens in life like she finally finds courage to marry this guy she jokes about sarcastically. I mean I'm going to find humor in the situation and be cool with whatever in the end because I figure when the right girl comes along with the right timing and all the stars aligning even if it never happens because I suck, I'm going to have a lot of sex in marriage with a crazy hot girl!

Limited Success

Well, after posting my to do list on Saturday. I survived in living in that manner. However, on Sunday I already failed to live up to it competently!

I'm surprised how I attempted everything that sucked on my list and even got most of those items off my list though. I did those dreadful growing taller stretches because it's designed for decompressing the spine and in hopes of adding little fluids to gain micro inches. I don't think people care about being 1 mm taller which is .0393 inches. Hey it works and I gained a 1/2 inch- from 5' 2.5 I became 5' 3 and was well passed my growing stage at age 27. I had nothing else going for me, so I was like let's try to gain some inches which I failed at doing.

Yeah, I'm short and tall red necks have told me that especially the guys. One Asian dude who was a jerk told me that I'm so short and that his girlfriend was shorter than me and so it doesn't matter in the end, while laughing at me! I even think about how my shots are going to get blocked all the time while playing basketball.

Anyhow, I'm a scary short dude because I held back statements while I was mad and approached people I was mad at. I told them I wanted something from them and just stayed quiet while continuing to talk and trying to push the envelope in the most subtle manner possible. I was so mad underneath that I was saying stuff to try to be nice, but it made the people I talked to even more mad at me and then they started saying I was scary to people they were discussing to about me behind my back. I don't really care though because all I have to do is just approach them and start talking with full-on honesty and then they look dumb. It's really that simple!

Do List

I read a book written by the controversial founder of Scientology L. Ron Hubbard. The book I read was about reaching goals and targeting them. It made a lot of practical sense and brought to light some things that I want to use in my own practice. I don't really care if it's practicing Scientology because like a selfish person I am, I will take something that works else where and stick to my personal beliefs in Christianity! 

Anyway, I did a Wikipedia search on Mr. Hubbard and he came across as a total jerk during the later half of his life, which was when he started Scientology. I'm not endorsing that religion and think it didn't help close in and bring ultimate peace and satisfaction within his own soul. He still stayed human while physically abusing his girlfriends and cheating on them! 

Well, with him having been a prolific writer and having made money doing it and also being crowned by Guinness Book of World Records as the most published author thanks to his movement, I felt it would be interesting to read up on his view with reaching goals and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with religion. He also has views on how people function, communicate, and understand each other. With this guy who found a religion and was pretty successful at influencing others, I figure why not read up on this so-called technology he discovered and wanted to share with the world for some money. I guess if he wanted to stay rich with his $600 million assets that he would go on to make, then he would want to speak some truths in his books.

What threw me off a little and made me laugh was that with all the Asian cultures he studied, he really dissed them in his diary with racial slurs. Okay so maybe I gave him a little too much credit with his character and bought those books he wrote on communication. It seems to have some brainwashing techniques on there and I don't know why I bought into it. Probably because my friend was like buy it and I was thinking this guy with his interest in humanity, would want to leave something for us to pick up on.  

Anyhow, I loved that book he wrote up on targets and goals. It's really good despite me not at all aligning with the Scientology philosophy. So here's my basic do list and I will be trying to get more detailed using that Admin scale technique Hubbard wrote up on. 

My strategy so far is do the easy ones first and get the priorities out of the way for the day. The daily is something that I'm doing everyday. The ones that suck are the ones that I struggle with and know I need to do. The things with time is the one I will do if I'm in the mood for them. The rewards are the ones I will indulge myself in after completing at least the easy, priorities, daily sections, and having attempted to do all the things that suck for me. This is practicing by theory of course, so a lot of my thinking has been like that's my reward today! 

DO LIST

-easy-

hair appointment

buy gopro

buy garmin watch

buy season pass snowboarding

buy beach body workout dance dvd

buy car cover cleaner

cooking ingredients, cook books, recipes

prepare clothes

organize

sleep

mail

laundry

-sucks-

dentist appt

AAA insurance

car recall fix

car radio, cd stuck

grow taller / spray

work

-priority-

trade / Bible study

gym time switch off with climbing, upper body to lower body switch, basketball, run, swim, weights, routine

cook

DAILY

face wash

teeth

herbalife supplement take restore

blog

texting people

fantasy football

delete e-mails

TIME

trading videos

spiritual books

writing tablet app

recording mic / software

photo print, edit

buy gimbal support

app programming idea

find hot girlfriend to marry and she's into sex

planning books

REWARD

oc ice skating (Floyd)

guitar 

piano

sing

dance , setup TV with xbox 

poker

tv

friends, scheduling or attending events 

games

skateboard

sexual interests (?)

surf internet

FUTURE

car oil change, wash car, gas

hair apt

pay CC bills

Managing Time

Well yesterday it felt like I was going off into junk food mode in a spiritual manner. I did manage to read the Bible and tried to stay up for it. How I did that was I kept myself occupied with playing online poker and whenever I sat out of a hand I would study a verse. It managed to keep me up longer than I expected with my sleepiness.

Afterwards, I just went off surfing the Internet while being in a weird mood. I guess after having been through that it's like I know what I want that I'm seeking after but at the moment, I'm going about it all wrong. Then, it's forgive me God and time lost for my consequences. I could do so much better.

I think giving into some of my cravings is like eating and satisfying myself with junk food. In moderation and having the right spiritual context, I'm sure it would be all good, but it isn't really aligned with the Lord's ways right now for me.

It looks like as weird as it feels, I'm going to need to deny myself those time-consuming acts and go for having them fulfilled in the most pure and satisfying context. Basically, my level of patience isn't that good while having a decent head on my shoulders, which allows me to just phase out while being sucked into something that eats up my time!

I pretty much have a basic routine that I would love to follow through with on a daily basis. On top of that everything else would pretty much be my extra-curricular activities. I'm glad that I'm happy with what I'm putting on here isn't really revealing everything, but I've said much to myself already and satisfied.

I guess everything just adds up in the end by just pursuing after something. I'm a little mad thinking about Jarred at that old and lame Hope of God Church in LA. He was like things don't add up to me and basically saying to quit it. What a moron! I would really show him up these days. I don't really care though about having this moodiness with him because I still want him to be my Facebook friend even while I'm going through this personal episode of being mad at him from time to time.

And I'm Finished!

Okay, so from yesterday, I ended up playing poker and doing some trades. I can see that I have a lot of work to do with honing my trading style. It's not a walk in the park and anyone who wants to listen to me is going to have the hardest time in the world, if I do end up making money with this strategy. Therefore, I'm not going to discuss it.

With the poker, I think I should put that hold and make two other things my priority. With time being a factor because I just get plain tired and knock out, I guess I can make some time for friends every once in awhile. In addition to that, it would be nice to read the Bible nightly and also work out. Trading is cool and lastly I just want to start cooking. This is pretty much how I'm going to go about my busy business.

Just Having A Laugh

Basically, I really don't care what that person is going through and for giving the most stupid advice in the world! I followed and sunk lower than a blown-up ship in the bottom of the sea. It was stupid to follow that person's advice because I didn't know what I was doing. I was like any advice would be better as long as it doesn't involve me doing any crimes against another person and hurting myself.

Well the advice I took was stupid because it didn't make me happy. I guess that's my reason for calling those people who can't add me on Facebook still to this day stupid.

Projected Bickering

I'm predicting that it's going to be really stupid to bring up a person not adding me on Facebook in person. I'm probably going to do it only because I'm so mad about it. I don't care that I am mad about it and will make fun of that person to add me on Facebook and everybody else who wants to back up that person and say it's that person's fault. So yeah, I would say for everybody else to stay out of my way or encourage that person to add me on Facebook. 

Moving Forward

It's not really a big deal, but I get that I suck at my work except when it comes down to programming a computer. I'm actually not that bad at it and it seems like I'm the only one at my company who can actually code!

Yeah well, computer science was my major and I put a lot of time into learning how to program while I suffered with a learning disability. I basically had one only because I was bored with studying in general and played video games all day long while in school. It was when it turned like 8 pm on the night before it was due that I felt bad about not doing my programming assignments and where I learned to make shortcuts to create programs that work. It was very stressful to do everything last minute, but to make it work though and all on my own without cheating and in that short span of time, yeah I guess I'm meant to make my living as a programmer then.

Catch Up Post

A
big
cat-like,
dirty
Englishman
formed
good,
hungry,
interesting,
jocular,

and I give up...

Feeling Liberated

These days I'm more or less understanding my anger with the hopeless Hope of God church in LA. Just because they wear T-shirts to show their unity doesn't mean that they are one with each other inside their own hearts. Just because they look happy doesn't mean that they are all dainty and nice inside like some people think they are. They are just people who also happen to suck! It's just my opinion that I want to personally laugh about and invite others to laugh along with me.

Yeah, like how some crazy girls felt liberated from taking off their clothes to pose in a manner for a magazine that attracts stupid men who think about sex, I feel liberated from writing while being my open ended self. I have some sort of self-discipline while taking care with wanting to be nice. I lose it easily though from being offended when others raise their voices at me. Actually, now that I think about it. It's actually funny to be yelled at by a person who lost it. I'm mad because I want to get along and they are making it so hard for me!

I guess I should show off my raw emotions of anger that is all about being friends on Facebook literally! It's silly and funny and not that big of a deal for me. The other person is just stupid while being mad. I've had so much time to take care of the situation and think hard about what is driving me insane. I was diagnosed with bipolar at one point from being borderline schizophrenic. Actually, it got really close because the people's voices in my head were like closing in on making me think they were real. I was even having conversations with them of basically saying, "Shut up!" with every sentence in my head.

Yeah, from having that tough time I got out of it from finding my miracle pill. I think I took risperadal and know for sure that I took prozac. What I hated about prozac in the past then might actually be useful for a decent sex life now that I think about it. I don't remember actually. I just recall episodes that lasted for a whole day and man it was treacherous. To get out of it, man what a relief and so happy and give thanks to God! That's why I believe in and will refuse to let go of Jesus no matter what. Even if Muslim terrorists want to chop off my head, I'm saying that Allah sucks and Jesus rocks. I'll be like YEAHHHH!!! I'll try to make them laugh though and feel bad about chopping my head off. Best I could do for everybody else after me.

It's been almost 18 years already. I've recovered from bipolar/schizophrenia in just three months of that period long time ago thanks to the medication and wonderful talk therapy. I asked my psychiatrist, "How do you talk?" in those sessions and he would just start laughing and stay quiet with me. I even recently made the stupid people who decided to get mad and hate on me at that hopeless "Hope of God" look stupid. It's so funny that they can't add me again on Facebook after having deleted me and that's what I'm still mad about after all these years. Yeah they are uptight and paranoid and self-centered to the point that I don't care about it because what I want isn't that big of a deal to begin with, so anyone who does that will look dumb if I approach it from this angle. 



 

Being Single

Honestly, I don't think it matters in the end with life whether a person gets married or not and has kids. I personally believe marriage should come from finding the right person. What I mean by right is that the person also thinks you are the right person too and this is while from just being yourself. From finding that this girl I've been hanging with has some annoying stuff about her and she's basically hot stuff, I guess this is my conclusion that I just don't care about wanting some action right away with a gorgeous woman with a physically attractive looking body.

I think having sex in marriage with the right person would seriously mean a very deep and intimate connection and something that could like last for ages if no one had to get out of bed! Just being pretty isn't enough for me now. I really do like a woman who is genuinely nice! I also can't stand dating a chubby girl who complains about things and accepts her situation without showing that much interest with changing it. I went out with a chubby girl and she was taller than me and white and didn't care that I was short. I was an Asian and super hot guy to her I guess. She was limping all over the place with an injury and it just annoyed me. It also annoyed me that she was nagging with her cute voice about how her roommate sucks. It also annoyed me to hear her talk about her past sex life while still being chubby. I was like okay no way!

She's a really smart lady though and very energetic about my Asian culture. This is a positive about her, but overall, I can't really stand it with the thought of dating her so I didn't return her calls or messages to me. I don't really count it as an actual date and go about feeling lonely like I never found anybody to date. My friend was basically saying about her, only "She's fat."

I showed my friend a picture of the hot friend I'm great friends with and he was like going "hubba hubba" for her and was saying that he would do everything he can to try to have a chance with her. I basically shot him down because it's the truth and he just didn't care that much and would probably still try if I ever introduced her to him. I'll think about it though because he's never been on an actual date with anybody. I've been on some and that's because I had some guts to accept the depression that comes from being turned down. I'm of course over that stage and don't care if a girl doesn't like me for a relationship. I can even stay friends with her. I value friendships with beautiful and smart ladies so much!

So Excited

I'm really excited with the tools I found for trading Forex and its usefulness in applying the strategy. It works for me and is just complicated for me to teach anybody. Why bother telling what it is because it's a competition out there? I'd rather keep my mouth shut about making income as a swing trader.

On top of this, I can really see myself being successful at this line of work. I can even see myself pulling in around $100,000 per year playing online poker now and it won't be gambling with a whole amount of money either. I guess betting around $800 for about ten hours a week isn't that much for me. Yeah, it's enough to make the six figures from doing my math and checking out the competition. What's setting me up is that I just plain don't care with losing that much now. I have a decent job to be able to pull this type of income and I do want to have my independence while working a lot less.

I'll even be trying to legally cut taxes by like putting expenses into different savings and charities to do tax write offs. If I could work with a great accountant then that would be great. I even heard that a lot of tax benefits go into declaring yourself as a corporation and all the losses that go from trading currencies or stocks can be counted as a tax write-off with the income tax. This is awesome knowledge to go after doing while going off on my own to do my thing. 

Uh Oh

I've been so busy at work and then just tired after dinner. It's still the same old gradually shutting down while feeling disoriented and really tired. My mind is like saying get up and go work out and then there's a whole bunch of other stuff in my mind. Then, I just surf the web and do something random. Well, I guess that's how it is for me so far.

Importance of Right Timing

This is something that I fail to constantly live up to and that's acknowledging how porn won't ever be the perfect substitute for sex and leave me staying as a virgin. I'm not paying for sex that I could get for free in a great marriage! I have a firm belief to meet the right person and marry before having sex. Even with how good I know it would feel and wanting to have fun like that with a fun woman who I'm married to already but not yet, I guess I'm just going to take the punches that life throws at me.

I just don't care anymore with being friends to girls who I happen to like and are already in relationships that seem like they aren't heading to engagement anytime soon. I just don't really care anymore from a personal view but I do have so many butts. It's no good in my opinion if they have been sexually active without being married, but I'm not one to criticize people for a common sin. I mean I still love them as people and great friends, so just having that feels great for me.

Happy Thanksgiving

There's really not much planned for me except that my closest friends who invited me over to their place to a Thanksgiving party are three girls. Hey it's not bad!

Okay, in light of Harvey Weinstein's sexual misconduct activity, I'm glad to say that I was nothing like that to Oyuri who was replying to me on Facebook saying that I was stalking her and harassing her just by messaging her on there. I should have just been honest with her but I persisted to bugging her because she made me so mad from making those comments. I just wanted to bag on her at that point and I was trying to be nice because I wanted like to look a goody two shoe to myself just to make myself feel great and better than her. I just kept on feeling angry with her and just wanted to trash talk with her but I was holding that in and constantly writing scary replies to her that made no absolute sense and was going nowhere.

From taking a full honest approach, I feel like I became a brave man! Imagine I was my full self talking. There's a part of me that's just ashamed of myself to reveal to the world. I don't want to glorify myself over it because it could seem like that, so I will refrain from talking about my sexual frustrations. I'm still straight after all these times and even feeling nothing for looking at great looking guys. I just don't feel anything for them but can tell they look good and I want to be good looking too like that and have confidence that makes me instantly look like a great guy and hooks several available girls to giving me their numbers and open to hanging out.

Found My Opportunity, Happy

I have something that I feel really happy about pursuing and it's going to keep me busy. I'm not going to be anybody famous obviously and behind the scenes. I'm going to be one of those people who look like a nobody and really short.

I'm going to be running my side business and going after being successful with it. I know what I want to do now and it's no big deal because I have such big plans for accomplishing my own personal hobbies like trying to make my own super bad video game or put a band together to support my cheesy five minute song I wrote while playing my piano.

I think I could house my mentally sick friend and hang with her. Heck she used to be really cute and pretty too before she just started letting loose with herself. I don't mind working out with her and doing some fun exercises in a creative fashion. I don't even care if she doesn't want to settle with me in the end. I just like her period and while on her mentally sick episodes, I just think of her as a friend. It doesn't matter because I'll find someone I like a lot and eventually settle with loving her and she'll be the same and we'll live happily ever after. That's the cheesy story that I'm sure a lot of people want in this world. I think I'll go after the cutest and nicest girl I can find who will make me feel like my wants to melt and she'll feel the same way for me. I guess that's what it means with finding the right match. It just comes down to actively seeking for it. I actually finally did acquaint myself with a cute and nice girl I do want to date and she's my friend that I can hang out with. She's open to hanging out whenever she isn't busy so it's been cool! It's just that I feel like her interests are not the same with mine, so I think that could be an issue. Okay, the cutest and nicest girl I can get who matches up with my interests! 

I personally have my eyes open for it and for it to come into place, I'm going to need to be able see her conveniently to make it work. It can't just be some random thing and try to hit it off for me.

Super Excited

There's really not much I can do if something is not going to go my way. Like I remember seeing a tall girl smile at me while working out at the gym, I should have just said hi to her because she seemed friendly. Well, who cares making another random friend would be fun if possible. I don't care anymore about being really short. If a girl rejects me because I'm short or I come across as a jerk with a short man complex, I don't really care anymore!

If I can find myself to be comfortable while digging someone like I am in the process of doing with a mentally sick friend right now, then I guess there can be open possibilities. I don't really feel discriminated upon and I do have a sense of humor like getting my shots blocked by tall people while playing basketball. I imagine that in my head a lot while around them and practicing at the gym. I just laugh it off silently to myself. I'll find a way hopefully to excel at the game at an amateur level.

What I Come To Believe

I don't fully understand the Holy Bible King James style, but I have come to believe that it is the source to true happiness. Everything contained in that book has wisdom on how to live a great life while worshiping Jesus, which is what I'm sure quite a lot of people might not be interested in!

Yeah with all of these fake Jesus people and some people you thought were good disappointing you like hypocrites, yeah it's easy to walk away from this faith and just treat it as another religion. It seems like the western culture is trying to be more tolerant about everyone's beliefs and common religious systems, even though there are probably some passive aggressive organizations out there which would want to wipe out all traces of religion in general from thinking that it is stupid or ignorant.

I guess for whatever cause or reasons, I'm personally sticking to my convictions and that should never be looked upon as a crime. Like a person believing aliens will come abduct us from outer space shouldn't be locked up from feeling that way. It's just inhumane to force people to think a certain way that feels better suited to someone else.

Something To Gain With Happiness

It looks like the truth is that it's pretty much the norm to suffer emotionally in this world. Probably from having gone through it so many times, maybe it just causes this feeling of numbness and lack of interest after awhile. What I come to deduce out of it is that it's going to take time with actively seeking out something and then when the right moment pops up, it's something you can just settle on.

No Big Deal

It's actually not really a huge problem anymore with the dumb people who were mad at me. I was having trouble communicating with them because I was just shy to open up and out of that they just let paranoid thoughts turn into something real for them. It was totally unjustified and crazy, but I guess it's funny now because in the end, all I wanted was for them to be my Facebook friends!

It's funny because what I'm requesting is not such a big deal and they just want to be so uptight about it for whatever reasons. It shouldn't be a big thing for them to do, but they want to just yell and scream out of frustration to leave them alone. Oh well, they just have issues about something and I don't really care. They were being crazy overall by making it seem bigger than it really was and after all these years, that was mainly the basis of my conflict with them. They don't know it of course because I wasn't sharing that with them. I was having so much trouble opening up.

It might seem evil though with the way I'm presenting the information, but it's just too funny to still stay mad about now. From my experiences though, just opening up fully while being level headed has really turned it around for me. I'm sensing people's emotions a lot more properly and can say it's just them having gone crazy because they don't want to think about bad stuff they did out of selfishness.

The only question I have now is if I can push the envelope with them successfully without letting steam come out of my head. I know I'm pretty aware of stuff and grabbing onto all the touchy feely things and also can detect suspicions with where it's leading to. If I wanted to mess around, I could just keep on talking about it, but there needs to be a purpose. I was aiming at getting my hidden agenda out but I just couldn't do it at the time, but it isn't that bad anyway so I should have just went after it anyway because I know it's going to make me happy. Those people will still be slightly upset regardless about the situation, so the better of two evils would be my personal satisfaction which I could obtain with them and it isn't even that bad at the same time.

Actually my smack talking is also at an all time high and I'm very capable of countering inter-personal attacks and making the other person look stupid. This is something I wanted to refrain from doing, so it escalated the situation. If I had done that, those people would have stopped making me mad but I would still be at a loss with my humanity with them for awhile and treat them like some statistic that I want to acquire. I tried to go about it the nice way, but I'm aware of my feelings from having written full on insults that are so funny it will make another person enjoy those comments. I'm totally upgraded and feeling good now. It was meant to happen in that I'm meant to be a winner of this petty affair with crazy people over the smallest things too!

After Work Hours

Managing my time right after work which could easily take up 13 hours of my day from the time I get ready for work to the time I'm back, is tough because while being tired I can't function as well. I know that I have dreams that I wish to complete from the bottom of my heart and I'm excited about the opportunity right when I get back home.

This is my tough spot. But first, I will mention my end goals. I would like to own a nice home with a few cars and have enough time to do all the hobbies I would like in the world while giving some of my time to serve God while being cheerful in my heart ASAP. Secondly, a beautiful romance with a Christian chick in marriage would be awesome! Kids or none, intimacy with her first ASAP.

So how do I get there? It's definitely not going to happen by sitting around and sleeping while tired which is what I've been doing. I guess I can't afford too many of those days which feel like luxuries at times. It feels guilty to sneak in more than 8 hours of sleep for me. I think I was dreaming about sex, so maybe that's why.

Just Being Straight Forward

From being straight forward and a lot more open with some attractive friends, they love me! I guess women are communicative creatures after all and when they are sharing some personal details about themselves, they really want you to listen too. I've had moments where I just sit there and zone out with them. It's like they are talking and my mind is going on overdrive trying to keep up with them just chatting with me about whatever. I think this is probably why I'm not so interested in a romantic relationship with a lady friend who is considered hot and sought by like at least five random guys when she's all dolled up. I've seen her without all of that makeup and even when she has all of those clothes on, I'm just like whatever. Even so, when I'm hanging out with her, I've noticed that guys don't really try to approach her. She mentioned that to me and a really good looking female who showed some interest with me was asking if we're a couple. I denied it immediately!

From being my natural self and straight forward, I seem to have some attractive qualities for developing healthy relationships. I don't have too much experience dealing with crazy idiots from the past because I used to be so conflict adverse that I kept my head low and never said a word while I was just under so much turmoil. It felt like performance-related stress for me while I was around people. I just wanted to feel happy all the time, but I wasn't getting there. Man those days were hard, and they sucked. Opening up with beautiful girls and hanging with them for them to accept and love me as a good friend has been enjoyable and really helpful for me to cope with my mental problems about stupid relationship stuff from the past.

Crazy Work Situation

It seems really normal with what I'm going through right now. I'm not perfectly fond of my job and wish I could do my own thing with something better and then have so much time in this world to try other stuff and also be able to dedicate some better time to the Lord and also be a giving person to some deserving charities.

I've been called in to work from 6 am to 4:30 pm for about two weeks starting this Friday. This means that I'm going to be working 50 hour weeks. It's good in that I make more money but the bad is that I might not enjoy doing the work as much so that's my dilemma I have going. The pay is not too shabby for me. I'll get by no problem and pay my bills and have some extra to spend and save up at the same time. I mean I'll just do the best I can here.

Better Time Management

I'm pretty much just listing out the things I need to do and just working at getting them done. Probably the thing that I'm still getting used to is making best use of my time. It's like I could do something that's fun to me and doesn't mean much and then get carried away with trying to get that done. I guess I need to just avoid putting myself in that situation then and go for doing some more necessary things. I will just keep on trying then and that's pretty much the best I could do.

Better Planning

For the most part, I'm really excited about having come across a money making tool that might work effectively. It's crazy because it does the job with predicting where the next trend will end up. Just doing this method repetitively and at all my own convenience, I'm finding that my future might have some possibilities.

I think the trick is just finding the right source with something you are interested in and just applying yourself to make it happen. With money being how this world works, you can't afford too many false starts and that's bound to happen. This is probably what turns off people who really go after trying it. My world that I chose to invest in has so many dead ends and could end up being a waste pile of hard earned money turning to dust.

This is the tough world of Forex where 95% of traders will sink with losing money continuously and only the top 1% will make it comfortably. It doesn't even matter if I talk about how to trade well. There's still going to be people who don't get it. I'm not really going to bother with that drama and I chose this, so the whole secret to my success is just finding the right source and then learning how to apply that knowledge to make yourself successful. It's a lot of testing and you might even overlook it at first and it might not even be an appealing strategy while feeling uncomfortable to bother trying.

Let's just say I was really interested with a trading strategy and I'm not even using that to my surprise but the other tools that it also offered is something I gave with my attention. I have the sources to make money, but I'm not making any recommendations because I know people will try and still fail to do anything about it. It's like even if I do all the complicated methods that I can't even understand, it's just something I do visually and feel my way around, but it works so yeah, it just fits in well for me so it's better that I let others find something that really works for them if they so want to be make money at Forex. I really did entertain a whole lot of interesting ideas.

Felt Weird Last Night

I pretty much took an hour of nap and then was up for four hours after. With the surge of energy I had, I ended up squandering it by watching three episodes of anime about a girl who pops out of a steel can when the main character drinks it. It's obviously a weird romance comedy and the girl ends up generating melon fireballs and burns the perverted 16-year old main character! I don't even know what the name is of that anime. It's some Japanese title that I can't even read. Okay I wasted an hour watching it. I could have probably done something else to struggle with.

I ended up watching forty minutes of a celebrity edition dealing with playing video games by Nickelodeon in the 90s, which was really cool. It was inspiring in a way for me, so I guess I shouldn't feel bad about that.

I then read an article about how porn is different from real sex. It was a real eye opener about how normal women might not actually feel pleasure multiple times out of the mechanics. I'm still very much interested in it while adding in romantic elements though so maybe just romance with the love of my life and enjoying some private and pretty good intimacy while willing to work at it should be good for me. Well, I'm praying about it and hopefully I won't make a sin that's too great to recover fully from out of God's grace.      

I have to admit that porn is meant to be entertainment for a sinful world. It's just for the viewer to fantasize about fulfilling some lusts with sexual overtones. The hard part for me is running away from the entertainment and thinking about how fun it would be to do that with the right person I find and marry. I don't think I have what it takes to be a porn star too and some side of me is like yeah, I can do it and I try to prove to myself that I can do it every once in awhile. From reading up on the requirements, it drains energy and is like forcing yourself to be a meat stick for the sake of being filmed; I don't really feel comfortable with that even though it's been a guilty pleasure to reach halfway.

In a way, this is like an unwanted job that I've been unintentionally pursuing because I ran into a mental pitfall and still rewiring myself back into it. Just like how I felt with competing at games requiring some gambles, I don't have enough talent to overcome those droughts of losing money and the tenacity that's required out of it just sucks the living joy out of me doing it in the first place.

From perceiving this relation, it's better for me to drop the act and go after pure love. I mean true love in the real world is going to be a commitment and not feel great sometimes and I know this from loving my beautiful female friends. The joy will be just actively seeking and being patient and when it just happens to you, it will be a true blessing from God.

Maybe On Clear Waters

With the way I'm communicating these days with stupid adversaries, it looks like they are interested in just ignoring me now. This puts me in a clear pathway to vocalize stuff out there that's always been inside of me. They are pretty much like a dirty and unreusable sponge. I'm going to say stuff and they are going to stay quiet and nothing is going in to them. In a way, this allows my personality to just express itself with these people and those people aren't going to be really doing anything about it. I can see this pattern setting up.

The main thing that's giving me the edge here is being able to communicate directly and openly with them. They don't have it. The fact that my least suspecting target who turned into a nuisance with me- Oyuri, isn't responding to me anymore on Facebook, it looks like I have a clear confidence to move forward whenever I'm ready to now. Something that I'm feeling confident lately is that with me talking in this manner and getting no response, I'm feeling rather secure about all this. I think things are going well for me with the repercussions. In a way with less people butting in for me, it feels like people just don't want to make such a big deal about this petty affair I have going and so it's not even that controversial to begin with. It looks like my guilty conscience was just messing with my head here.

Scary At First

Becoming a more open person, it was scary even admitting some things to myself. I held back a lot of my psychotic thoughts with a few nobodies, and it scared them enough to start acting like dweebs on crack and try to snitch on me. I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate me bringing it up but if I presented it that way, then they'll give me that look of hopelessness with me one time and just try not to show any sign of emotion after. Yeah, I think they can learn to get along with me after all. We just won't ever be close friends and that's okay.

Trying to not be straightforward with myself and going on that path of prideful blindness, I totally kept myself from getting to greatness. When I was at an all-time low and worked extra hours under feelings of pain and displeasure, I just did it to get recognition from others. Even then it still wasn't enough to bring me satisfaction.

I was a scared little boy underneath and afraid of getting into conflicts. When it happened, I was in denial and when I made threatening comments at the most minimal level, it scared the living bleep holes out of people. Then again, I feel like I am meant to be likable so being a winner and giving them free guidance because I'm so mad at them probably wouldn't seem to offend them at all.  

Girls' Confession of Love

I've had a few female friends tell me in person that they love me. They both have long-term boyfriends already and contrary to what my sister thinks, I'm not moving in to steal them away from their everlasting lovers. It was not too long ago. One of them is a great girl and the other is iffy and feels a bit strange but still a good person. Third time's a charm because another girl who I regularly hang with told me that her sister said she loves me too!

I'm not sure if this is them falling in love with me or something, but I think this bond is really strong and feels great. We're closer and they feel comfortable with me. They are able to tell me some really personal things about them. I'm sure if one of them was my lover then she would still be this way to me. I think that's what it means to share love.

I think the interpretation of them loving me is just because I actually am that type who is easily lovable. It's cool and such a privilege to have something like this with girls who are not my blood. My blood-related sister isn't acting so much like a girl with anger issues anymore; I had my way with giving her a hard time from being the older brother and being relentless with my personal attacks that were just plain funny and mocking her. It hurt my feelings too because I felt so bad from behaving that way with my own little sister and that's how good those jokes and insults I made with her were.

Probably Psychotic

Psychosis is defined as being in a mental state of loss in reality. A huge amount of anger and feelings of being wronged could probably lead to a psycho ex-girlfriend. I'm just generalizing for fun that girls can be crazier in the head but not act out in it. Guys would be like get out of my way and going to kill you right now!

 Trying to have Facebook discussions with an angry girl who isn't your friend and blocked your original account, she was definitely calling me psycho literally after reading every message. When I talked about what was making me mad, she called me a psycho. When I said that I want to get along with her, she called me a psycho. She was such an insecure punk and even tried to run to his fiancée to help me out. He was like OMG and then stopped responding after with some more cussing. I was going to deal with this sooner or later.

That's pretty much the big picture and the drama I had with her isn't even serious. It's up to me now how to pursue though because she totally stopped behaving that way with me on Facebook. I'm really happy with the parting messages I sent her so far. I was a work in progress and thankfully from having great relationships with female and hot buddies, I was able to close in with words that I wanted to convey and get the response that I wanted which was for her to finally stay quiet.

Lot More Healthier

I'm free from any worry in my bones because I have security from my faith in Jesus. Whether that seems narrow-minded or not, it's hard to do it anyway because naturally people wouldn't want to go that direction already! Just being open and going after a deeper relationship and yeah, it's uncomfortable with all these different doubts and worries, it really helps to just humble yourself.

More better these days, I'm actually over with Betty not wanting to be friends with me. Yeah, she's stupid and had a brain aneurysm while having used to be fat with depression and slitting her wrists. Ultra stupid if you ask me and I feel inclined to accept her stupidity and love her without her directly being my friend. Betty has an easy confusion rate and goes crazy from anger and gives you that moody state of being unstable if something is wrong. It's very annoying to say the truth, but she needs guidance from a calm friend to lead her to the truth.

I think everybody at Hope of God Church in LA who went against me was being stupid! They were blaming me something that had nothing to do with me. They said I was keeping their church from growing and they are still small after I left! I know because I went after Lee when her restraining order against me failed to get extended. What a bunch of stupids who contradict themselves. They are not God-inspired and I'm glad I took a stand against them. They are a bunch of embarrassing people who left the church and went somewhere else! 

Underneath all the hollering and ridiculing with those guys and gals I feel so indignant over, I still want to make up with them. It's just part of who I am, so that's why I'm pushing the envelope and they are so afraid of me doing it. You know, after all of that mess it's funny and I'm the one who is laughing and they are the ones who are scattered like they were diseased. It's not really a big deal and they were going crazy from having trouble controlling their own anger. If they didn't have trouble with it, then they would still be my Facebook friends! I'm the one that's asking and they are like shouting and going even more crazy and making themselves look bad. They are just making it worse for themselves and going insane. 

My message for them is if I ever get a chance to relay it. I don't really care that they are naturally crazy and stupid who go back to their wild caveman or cave woman days in these modern times. They are little people because they complain and try to hire bigger bullies after me. I don't care about that really. I'm one of those rare people who want to get along in those instances and those types exist in this world. It's a natural personality and something people are born with. They just want control and want to rule out of stupidity. It's okay though because from opening up and doing whatever the heck I feel like with them now, I don't want them dead and the struggle to become their friends again even if it's never happening again has been a wild and valuable experience for me. 

I have new friends and more deeper with closer relationships with people who mean a lot to me. I'm able to settle down better because I had the time to struggle with these numb brains who ran away from me! Out of that, I give thanks to the Lord because those numb nuts were church people after all. I don't think they have a deep relationship with God though. Overall, it's just plain funny and something I'm feeling more proud about in just trusting the Lord to deal with it.     

Dedicating Time

I think Jesus deserves all the focus I can give him. When I'm reading the Bible and trying to reflect on a verse by verse basis, I'm completely lost. For my reasons of studying it, I would like to find a comfort zone with the Lord and be His servant. I believe very heavily that living out the principles found in the Bible will seriously ensure a happy life for anyone who practices it.

For the most part, I can't do this on my own so I've enlisted help with a commentary that is pretty much volumes condensed into one file. It's really long and has a lot of insight and goes into depth while being written in an understandable fashion. I have been growing spiritually because of its help. What I'm finding out from trying to study the Bible on my own is that some verses aren't really that clear and may have some reigning ideas out of speculation.  

With the busy and fun life that I am setting up, I think I will be comfortable to give Jesus an hour of my time each day to study the Bible verse by verse while using a basic and spiritually rich commentary. Along the way, I also have my radio regularly tuned to listening to sermons and would be effective if I can pay attention. However, I still have yet to place my full attention the majority of the time. I'm listening to bits and pieces though while driving and then zoning out with unimportant matters.  

Breaking Down Overwhelming To Managable Feeling

For the most part, with my sexual desires reawakened, I'm just going to keep them there. I think it's healthy to always feel like you want to make love! It's funny for sure but I don't mind having them as a constant reminder to me being still single. I've met a great girl and we've got along for several years now and she said she loves me and even texted me it like she's flirting which is so sweet, but she has a partner that she's not too fond of or just has physical happiness when she's in the mood with him. It's a funny dilemma because I don't want her to crash with that relationship even though she could be well off even without him. I don't want to go for a steal because I want to respect it even if it's been going on for almost seven years now and no marriage. I think they've been living together for about a year now and there might really be no common law marriage in a liberal state, so if they wanted to tie the knot for a certificate of marriage for tax benefits and joint partnership then wow, there might be a significant level of risk involved because she's the owner to a lot of things. I'm not going to be jealous of her though because I figure it's all in God's timing with all these single ladies with kids trying to hit on me online and go out on dates with them already! I'm still declining their invitations by the way.

Because of significant work and taking the time to hang with another girl I'm not related to, she's like family to me as well. I also have all these desires and ambitions inside of me to keep me from meeting more beautiful ladies and try to tie an interested one down. I guess from hanging with those lady friends of mine, I'm just getting good at not caring personally about what others are thinking. People haven't really shown to be personally rude with me though because we're living in a liberal and diverse state. I think hot girls are rather abundant with where I live. I just walk around downtown at a big event and there's cute girls hanging out without any guys.

It's not really the end of the world if a girl rejects here because you can still rebuild, recollect, and make yourself better. It does require a certain level of intellect, discipline, and commitment though which is probably what most guys who are craving sex so badly like me don't want to do!  I honestly don't want to either and would hit the accept button if she walked into my life all of a sudden, but this is the game that all eligible guys should be playing regardless. In this game of life, persistence and self-awareness with discipline seriously wins! To lose one's life out of love, is to gain in the afterlife and well worth it to, I might add; even if the person doesn't believe strongly in God. Love is really powerful and influentially amazing with shaping thoughts and improving upon behaviors. It's a really good thing and God in the Bible as confusing as it sounds sometimes proclaims to be love, Himself! Meditating such as doing deep considerable and moving thinking is necessary for concepts of finding out if God is working in someone's life. It can be a waste of time for some people, but definitely something you can grow from. With presumptions being made and significant time needed to back them up, it's just a matter of throwing out or accepting the faith!  

Kicking Off the Month

To start off the new month, it's been going pretty consistent for me. Hey, it's been only two days! The Dodgers lost by the way in the World Series to a team that fought hard and was able to pitch well on the final game of the year! Dodgers aren't really my favorite team anyway, but I'm a little bummed out that they lost though. They are pretty much like the Yankees of the NL in a way because their team has the highest payroll.

Now that the World Series is over for my distraction, I can either find a new one or just get back to my own business. I like the later option better for myself. I was really able to do some dream searching yesterday and bought a few more practical books that I see myself using or have fun reading up on.

It's been really clear for me that I want to make money as a programmer! I'm also doing the risky investment and instead of like the typical stock market or options, I'm going for trading the biggest bad boy of them all- Forex! Its trading volume exceeds $4 trillion daily because it's dealing with all the different currencies in the world. Usually, when I tell my friends this some will mention about other foreign currencies like I was tipped off that the Chinese were doing well. I'm not a big fan of China from them being Communists and having reputation to build shaky buildings from trying to cut costs. The Hong Kong currency can be a regularly traded one though and can be associated with the Chinese government as well.

Interesting Day

Today, I'm going to be stuck in the heart of downtown LA really early in the morning so that's why I'm up right now. I figure to be just dedicated to posting anything to finally catch up for today. I don't really have any set rule with how much I need to write for each post, so sometimes I'm cheating to catch up and post anything.

I'm doing really bad right now with my time management and there's no question that I'm shutting down right after work. I wish I could do better, but it's going to have to take some time to make it happen for me.

The biggest things for me after my interesting day at work is to just be able to read the Bible, work out and care about my health and try to maintain a better appearance, and then go for trying to make some side income. My choices of the side income is pretty much becoming a Forex trader and also a programmer. I don't really want to work for another company. I would rather be rich and have my own time with it.

I don't really care about looking down on others if I ever did make it rich. It's just about me finding a way to have better time management for the long list of interests I have and to also help out by being a giver for the kingdom of God.

Being Friends With Girls I Like

I actually don't mind being friends with girls I like and calling them buddies in that sort of nature. It's probably because I would rather have the closeness of friendship than be in a romantic relationship. I can really wait upon that special girl to meet. One thing for certain though is that no matter how good looking a guy is to me, I just don't contain any interests of being gay for him! I'm not even jealous. I've been through a lot, and I guess it's great to have developed plenty of confidence.

Interesting Friendships

Well today, there's supposed to something going on in West Hollywood. A friend is really interested in showing my hiking buddy and me around. I'm actually all for it. They are both girls by the way!

I'm starting to get used to the idea of just being friends with beautiful women! I wonder how it would be like to be great friends with a down-to-earth and beautiful celebrity too. I'm just talking a little random because the girls I'm hanging with are attractive. 

Crazy Weekend

Well, I ended up hiking with one of my friends who is cute, sweet, and actually sort of hot. She's one of my friend's older sister. I guess it would be really hard to admit that I don't really feel anything romantic with her if she did ask. I'd have to play around a little bit and be like, yeah, I'm into her in a way that doesn't seem to matter. I hope she doesn't read these comments and come up to me and then punch me.

We relate to each other in a really good way and I accept her as family. I didn't really feel stuck with her because I don't really mind being around her cute presence and people assuming we're dating. I'm actually really nonchalant underneath and on my outer appearance, I just play it naturally and very comfortable with socializing. I don't even care if others interact with her too.

She sees me like a big brother and I hope she still does because I actually like being seen as the big brother you can look up to. I messed up entirely this whole weekend with her because I led her into a really long and unintentional 30-mile hike at a mountain. Man, it sucked to take a wrong turn and guess my way and not have signs to help us out for miles. After that it became dark and I had no camping gear, so we wandered in the dark wilderness trail while hallucinating about demonic images from looking at dark and scary fallen trees.

Yeah, I was going to think that we were going to hike all night long so we wouldn't freeze to death until we made our way to exiting the park or meet some day people. She started complaining about being so hungry and tired. I was like calm and optimistic all the way through, but yeah, it did get a little annoying to see her play on her phone and take photos of the demonic looking trees and then the city light we saw and it looked like she was having a good time. She thought in case we die, she should document everything especially with Halloween coming up. I was a little annoyed in general and she gave me her phone to hang onto but I gave it back because she saw something she liked and just wanted to take a photo of it.

We came across a camp fire and that state park doesn't really allow it. We just got lucky and we navigated our way through from me listening to her reasoning and going against my stupid optimism. The camp people were nice and we stayed there until morning and they had the map and I was tired so I slept on the cold ground next to the fire pit. Man the fire felt good on my cold feet. I stole my friend's blanket too because I had on shorts. She was freezing even with two sweaters on that they gave her. She fed the fire for me because she kind of was jealous that I was sleeping good. She knew I was going to drive back while she would continue to suffer with her insomnia.

During the coldest part of the night, she made me wake up to feed the fire. She was dead tired. I was walking around the blanket wrapped around my body like a towel while looking for wood. She then fell asleep, so I tended to the fire. She woke up like a zombie again after twenty minutes went by. Anyway, we had some interesting discussions and I shared a lot of my thoughts with her like the people I like. She kept talking about her unofficial boyfriend and I had to do something with them breaking up. Man, I thought it was straight forward but I texted her love interest something that concerned me with her because she kept talking about how she was bothered by liking this guy she is dating so much but wants to make her career her first priority. I unintentionally texted him with a tone that he didn't like because obviously he was mad that he wasn't getting any after two months of dating. They had a civilized argument and then they both just walked out on each other. He ran back to her though during our hike and the dumb guy shouldn't have texted her twice because the first time was strong but the second was like "What?" because he sounded so weak. She was sharing these things with me. She's like family and so in the end, yeah I like her and she's in my family. I definitely care about her and thought that text that made her unofficial boyfriend mad was all focused on her, but he thought I made fun of him. I didn't mean to sound that way, so I'm going to have to let him know that I was really focusing all on her happiness. Especially me revealing to him that she likes him a lot should have been enough to accept the problem I was trying to tell him that she's all about work first and pushing off love.  I was only suggesting that he be more subtle about expressing his romantic desires right now, but I couldn't find a way to explain that my suggestion with him working on getting a great career was to just pass the time waiting on her.

Strategizing With Necessities to Reach Goal

Well, I guess I can't live without the love of Jesus and yes, I can't even live like a Christian sometimes even though I want to. I'm convinced that Jesus died for everyone's sins and that there's life even after death as crazy as that seems for those who would accept there's a real God in this world. It's all by accepting through faith that this miraculous change happens from within the heart and just loves growing by spiritual means through studying the Bible and intending to live in a way that pleases Him.

It's crazy as it sounds, but it's truth to me. This is my faith and my way of living. I see it as having a true relationship with the Father through believing upon and following Christ. Basically, my vehicle of living for truth is just through faith. Fair enough, people should believe what they want to believe right? I feel good to proclaim that the gospel is good!

It's by faith and not by my own personal feelings of effort to do the right thing. It's this conviction that goes with it and is strong and peaceful and just brings a spiritual satisfaction for my soul which was searching for answers and so anxious. I found my spiritual home in worshipping the Chosen One who chose to die preaching about love and healing and bagging on the fake religious leaders back then. I guess it was easy for higher ups to get away with killing annoying and revolting leaders of the people and bribe people to give out fake testimonies to mislead others. That's back then and makes sense and this Chosen One who would have had so many followers just let himself die and get recorded on the pages of actual history for it!

Okay, his intention was to spread love of His Father, God in heaven. I'm accepting it.

Okay, this whole time I've been discussing about my siding with Christianity instead of my personal stuff. I guess Jesus should come first in my messed up, time-managed life.

In A Nutshell

Pretty much what's taking up my time to do all the other crazy and cool stuff on my "Want to do list" is being dependent on this job of mine. I'm very lucky to have this job. My dad got me in and I pushed my way into working with programming and also doing some part inspecting whenever I'm needed. I started from the very bottom by being a button pusher, pun unintended!

It's pretty cool to open up and have good laughs from being honest. Okay, I think that's why I'm liked by girls a little more than I'm used to.

Yeah, so 11 hours of my weekday is pretty much dedicated to working with my dad. It's just earning a living and something I'm doing while accepting it. Yeah, I'm lucky to have a job and my own income that my dad just hands me. Well, it would be nicer if my dad didn't yell at me for making mistakes, so I have to nearly be flawless at my job and prove myself at this position, so I wish I had it so much easier!

I guess I'm going to have to shift my focus the best I can and plan out my nearly impossible list to fully exhaust with my current work schedule. In order to get to doing all of those fun and good activities, I should be planning how to get there and the first thing is going to be becoming financially independent with a lot of time in my hands and then I won't have too much problem trying to gain some muscles and pursuing after a hot girl to marry. It's just playing a numbers game from then on and looking for the right personality with the looks to match. Heyyy, I guess that could work if I make it in the end!

List of Overwhelming Activities

Honestly this personal list of mine is what I wish to accomplish. I have maybe been able to do just one out of like the twenty in there and that isn't saying much at all! It would be amazing to be able to do all of it no problem in my own free time after work, but in four hours it's just impossible to complete. Who knows maybe I can work at it more efficiently to get my time management down to the wire.

Here's pretty much what I'm trying to do and not anything really different from previous months. I'm surprised that I have stayed pretty consistent with these interests. The only thing I have added on now is photography. It's thanks to one of my lady friends who introduced me to this cool world of video editing and taking landscape photos and flying drones. It's so much work!

1. Do weights.
2. Swim.
3. Run.
4. Eventually bike.
5. Get better at bowling.
6. Get better at rock climbing.
7. Basketball.
8.  Plan and go hiking.
9. Snowboard
10. Photography
11. Create drone footage with my device.
12. Do some editing with photos or video.
13. Plan and hangout with friends.
14. Fun with movies and anime and some TV shows.
15. Fun with video games. (Warning: dangerously addictive for me)
16. Get around to maintain social media and publish cool photos.
17. Get around to printing great photos and researching how to do so.
18. Maintain teeth.
19. Take care of face with products.
20. Read Bible.
21. Pray.
22. Read up and finish books I bought.
23. Grow back my hair with Rogaine aka minoxidil.
24. Grow taller (seems sarcastic but trying to sound funny)
25. Play piano
26. Get better with guitar.
27. Get better with singing.
28. Learn some cool dance forms.
29. Cook good food.
30. Cook healthy food for maintaining body.
31. Make body stronger and look good!
32. Keep my body maintained with nutritional supplements.
33. Program video games.
34. Program apps.
35. Become successful trader.
36. Eventually stop working 9 to 10 hours with crazy traffic that takes another 2 1/2 hours of my time.
37. Hot girlfriend turns into hotter wife. (heyyy)
38. Start jamming with song writing and random music.
39. Do some skateboarding tricks.
40. Learn to do a back flip.
41. Take martial arts and get good at it.
42. Own an electric fueled sports car and top of its class. (efficiency)
43. Own a fast American car like the Ford Cobra. (track racing)
44. Own a SUV for traveling to hikes.
45. Surf.
46. Own two cats and a dog.
47. Have a better house than my parent's $1 Million home.
48. Do some philanthropy for serving in God's kingdom.
49. Be organized.
50. Win stuffed animals at carnivals.
51. Own some expensive and crazy good camera equipment.
52. Build the expensive computer.
53. Maintain clean and working car.
54. Maintain decent fashion.
55. Keep orderly and clean house.