I'm Praying For Betty =)

This is a blog post where I'm writing so many personal things because I'm just being honest with myself. I haven't revealed everything on this blog; I think the only things I've really revealed are my weaknesses and it's just big baggage of weaknesses that I need to work on to strengthen myself.

So the reason why I'm praying for Betty amicably is because I actually believe what I wrote last time- that we could be spiritually connected. No, I'm not saying that we're soul mates even though I could use that as an analogy for fun. I'm praying that her life would have some improvements and that she would find a way to forgive herself, if needed for some elements that bug her like I'd say is pretty normal for women. I guess some T.V. shows - shhh, "Sex and The City" have some pretty boring things for a guy at times, so I don't know why I know some of the characters in the show. Okay, I think it deals with me thinking about one of the crazy characters trying to get some type of revenge by thinking conceivably in a satisfied manner about some bad karma happening to people she gets mad at. That sounds like a comedy to me then. Okay back to Betty, I feel that she's going to find my best side because I'm going to put some added emphasis with her. I think there's something about her I could learn to apply better for myself in living with this world. I guess that's what's making the world a better place; restoring youthful ideas and leading to satisfaction for the both of us.

Job Opportunity Program

For this post, I'm going to share my experience with this job that I have and fill in on how anybody could get it if they are interested in looking for this job. I'm sitting here with my first paycheck in a long while. It's better than nothing and actually pretty satisfying for me. I'm actually glad that I took on this role of doing this apprenticeship. It's such a good backup especially if you are looking for a full-time job. I have also noticed that some females also try this government program, even though it's predominantly male.

Because I'm in this government program, I'm pretty much covered with some good health benefits even while I'm waiting to go back for more work. Something about it is that while in the company, you'll sometimes wait at home before going back to work again. So the job can pay exceedingly really well to compensate for your own living expenses and give you some time at home. I'm doing something related to the construction industry but there's still some opportunities where I would get a glimpse of my study interests and actually have some fun with it. It's seriously better than nothing for me, but while waiting I could take advantage of the pay check that I have earned and do some additional job searching for my degree or do some investing with it. Where I found my job opportunity was at this website, http://www.dir.ca.gov/databases/das/aigstart.asp
(Note: this is only for California.)

I'm thinking about rushing a little bit now in settling down and definitely about earning wealth to support others and myself. I have to be really honest here, even though it's going to sound really bad. I feel like I could have trapped myself if I tried to settle down with Annie Tran, Betty Lam, or Darunee at Hope Church L.A. I have absolutely no problems about just being friends with them which means I would give them generously a full 10, even though I wouldn't like any of them for a wife. It does not deal with their lack of appearance even though I could make fun of it, but just don't want to and think it's a lot more fun just being friends with them so everyone should be friends with them; well, maybe except for Darunee because she put a restraining order on me for being a little crazy, and Annie as well because she seems to be a little closed off. I actually have been trying to help Betty because we've been mutually supporting each other in a way, so there's still a spiritual bond between us. I'm really glad that I tried to flirt with Betty even though I felt pretty cold about doing it in the beginning. I'm not trying to chase after Betty now though, so I don't want her to like dump a can of milk over my head if I ever see her again. I really think I could enjoy a peaceful relationship with Betty, so it's on with me getting through to her. I think Betty will still be around, even though I don't feel always that she's top class and smart but she is a middle child so there's this little complexity about her that I'm understanding now. I'm the oldest kid, and man I can be so on fire and that's what counts to me when I reach that stage so I know I have not been very good with trying to get to the point of being on fire. I really think that she tried with me and know that she can persist with me being around her; despite her making social sins on a pretty consistent basis. I think communicating with Betty fluidly is the key, even if she acts so immature and standoffish. She can start yelling in an aggravated manner, and I can just stand there talking to her really nicely very persistently that when others are hearing me around her they will probably leave it to be maybe, if I ask them to pick sides and joke around with them, while being serious with Betty and nice with her. I can also try to make Betty laugh too because she really does laugh at me for me being me. That makes me a winner in all areas then and not a bad style at all. Annie Tran over at Hope Church LA; the reason why I add this long identifier is because there are a lot of Annie Tran's and don't want to confuse her with anyone. So this Annie Tran and between Betty, I pick Betty and going to go to work with her first.

How I'm Getting Excited

Well, aside from occasionally wanting to get married to raise a family, I do feel like I have a chance to earn a lot of money like reaching for millions. I don't think I'm being dumb here, and I think a million dollars is a lot closer to my grasp than it was five years ago. I'm really thinking that being a professional trader could really set me in that wealthy path.

Having some comfortable equity would be good for me, and I would be able to do a lot with the money like giving it to the needy. I guess I don't really feel bad about tithing because you do get a tax break, and it's also ordained by God that we should do so. I was honestly a little teed off in the past when I observed that Annie Tran over at Hope Church L.A. wasn't offering every week and that she was assuming a pretty quiet position when it's supposed to be pretty important. When she blocked me on Facebook, I was pretty frustrated because I was getting these nonsensical arguments from Jarred Taing and Christopher Kuch and eventually Betty Lam as well too. I'm being honest to the best of my ability, so sueing me for being honest is not really going to make me change my mind about being honest with myself.

I'm pretty much smiling about it now because I thought it was something I needed to be dependent on, which was having them add me on their Facebook page right away. I actually don't really care and think it was me needing a certain type of satisfaction and trying to exercise the right thing all under this emotion that wouldn't stop being frustrated at them. I believe that I would just be pretty relaxed and speak with a calm demeanor and be actually laughing while talking to them and actually making sense with myself for once. Wow, my friend actually tried to add Betty on his Facebook which is okay with me but he was absolutely passionate about not wanting to add the girl who put a restraining order on me. When we saw her facebook photo, I was lying backwards and couldn't stop laughing for a minute.

I'm not sure if Annie or Betty or Chris would still be at Darunee's duplex, but I feel that Darunee would still be at the location even long after the concept of her restraining order with me disappears.  It's not even a real standard house, and I don't see what the mysticism was surrounding them when I attended. I think it was just feeling left out all these years and them opening up with me, but they can only do it to a certain extent- they're human after all.  I can actually accept the fact of Annie and Betty and also the pretty unintelligent Jarred putting me on their block list on Facebook permanently. I just have pure big smiles all about it because I know I didn't do anything wrong, and their mentality was all messed up at the time when they ended up doing that. I guess they're going about living still and making the most of what they can. I guess I can respect them despite how easy it would be for me to pity them now. I also placed Chris on my block list just for laughs and let him know. The only difference is that I contacted Chris on Facebook and let him know that I blocked him. This was not done by Annie, Betty, or Jarred because they pretty much tried to be quiet about it. I could probably use this point of reference to gain an advantage here and have some fun with it for myself. They are pretty much going to have to relent with all their opinions about me sooner or later. I don't have to yell at them even though it seemed like they were acting very childish. So the point of them using an angry voice and loud tone with me is going to make them feel pretty embarassed with themselves. I guess I'll be the same way towards my kids  when I try to discipline them- trying to be fair-minded and actually letting them experience my unconditional love for them while explaining all my conduct with them (ex. trying to ground them and not giving them allowance) which would probably make me laugh underneath a lot.

How I'm Living

This post is going to be really personal and private. Just be warned if I write something disgusting then that's just how my honesty is playing. I'm pretty good about trying my best to be appropriate in certain social settings, so don't really expect me to open up like what I'm doing in this writing.

I dreamed quite a lot about sexual events that was dealing with me. I'm not really in the mood for viewing porn and masturbating even though I experienced a sex drive today. I still feel really bad in that I would like to observe a sexual pure existence right now and enjoy sex in marriage only. My mind slipped a little and I was trying to search for some pornographic material even though my mind was feeling some sexual boredom. I feel really bad for doing this and that I should just leave it to waiting for sex in my marriage. Today, I feel like I can control my sexual urges and that the discomfort comes from wanting to reach arousal. I'm pretty much just going to let it rub me in at the back of my head while I go about doing some practical business today. I'm going to keep trying with making strong attempts at just not masturbating and viewing porn. I'm pretty much adding in a lot more practical things for myself now and utilizing with spending my time more favorably.

Big 500th Post

I'm sure that I've written more than just 500 postings on the internet, so for this site alone, I'm at 500. Okay, this is not much of a celebration for me. I guess there's going to be no end to me writing, so yeah there I go again with typing away.

I'm going to do some goal settings. Even though I was considered to be not that sharp at a job site, I beg to differ because I tried my absolute best; and this lead-worker just did not feel right about me and all this luck did not work out for me. I don't really care; I'm back on the job market again and will have no problems finding another job. I do not really mind at all. I was given that kind of encouragement as well for me.

I feel pretty content with my sexuality and how I was brought up with that, so I should really end my days of masturbation and viewing pornography. It's starting to get a lot easier when I put some thought into it. The sex drive is putting me in this mind set that makes me do those types of things, but I just have to treat it as something uncomfortable I'm going to have to get used to. Wait until I get a real girlfriend, that's where the fun is going to begin. I'm not going to try that until I can get this sexual addiction under control a little more, and I have this content wholeness with myself.

Admitting To My Struggle

This post is also another private post, which I feel really embarrassed writing about. I'm only doing this because it seems like the right thing for me to be honest and to accept the consequences. I think I seriously have a problem that is going to take awhile to recover from. I feel that including the activity of watching porn and masturbating just isn't going to cut it for me anymore. While I was acting it out, I imagined to myself that  sex could be a way of growing more spiritually intimate with the spouse. I know that I'm going to develop this large sex drive with myself all the time, so looks like I'm going to have to just multi-task with other productive things and just accept it as a part of myself. I want to change everything into a normal mode which everything is going to be related to the Bible. I realize that I want to set my sights in growing with Jesus as the master of my life. This means for me allowing this change to take place in my life.

Self-eesteem Issues on Summer Solstice?

Haha, that question for myself makes me laugh for some reason deep inside very quietly. I guess I don't have any problems with this whole self-eesteem thing. I don't really know why it's such a big deal but then again some people may have some issues. I remember that a teacher put down these words, "Don't judge" while reading one of my papers. She then changed the word many to some. Instead of using the word 'many', I'm using the word 'some' so I don't come across as a chauvenistic judgmental person. Okay, I could live with that. So some people are chauvenistic and some people can also act quite dumb at times and be a complete idiot. I'm just messing around a little on this post.

I guess I need to come up with a way to really get rich the smart way. I don't mind putting a lot of time into it, if it's something very moral and going to pay off for me. Doing foreign exchange seems to be the right solution for me, but I'm still a little hesitant about it because I'm afraid of losing the money or some part of me just wants to procrastinate to getting to riches. I think my mind is just trying to trick me into not doing anything right now and that I need to kick it up a notch here. That's what I'm going to try right now. I guess the time that you start could mean everything so timing is everything. Right now, it's supposedly the evening and the sun has not gone down yet. Maybe, today is the summer solstice. I'm going to check up it on it really quick and put down the date because I think I'm going to read back on what I put and have a good kick out of it. Wow, yesterday was supposed to be the Summer Solstice but today the sun is going up longer too. I'm liking it man.

Really Confused

I'm writing this post again for my own personal gain. This is meant to be private once again but I'm sharing because I have this need to be honest, even though I don't need to be so vocally challenged with saying these type of details about myself.

Right after ejaculating through masturbation, I lose some sexual momentum and don't feel like being in the mood for sex. I just hate getting caught up with myself in this personal struggle. I don't like the idea of misleading myself where I have this emotion that seems to be so promising for me, but afterwards, the emotional side of things go away and I'm hit with this rock-bottom revelation that I'm doing something wrong here. I need to stop this auto-erotocism behavior for whatever reason because it's a weakness for me.

After gaining my pique with sexual desire, I am highly susceptible to viewing pornographic material and masturbating. I would really like to end this behavior for myself and learn to deal with it in a spiritually healthy manner. I'm going to have to come up with a strategic plan to make this work for myself. If I can really dedicate myself to this and remember the pains that it is taking me through, then I think I can apply this point of principle to other things as well.

Need To Solve My Issue

I feel like playing a game of poker right now. I don't really like the idea of losing money, but still like to play the game for fun. It's pretty exciting to even win only play chips. A friend of mine does not like play for just play chips and wants to be aggressive about earning money. He finds himself in a very frustrating situation because he sometimes loses when he minimizes the chances of losing.

The problem that I have is that I'm not being aggressive enough about obtaining certain qualities that would assist me. That's how I feel, but the past experiences were associated with some negative feelings when I was highly aggressive in performance. I just couldn't find that much satisfaction out of chasing after what I wanted materialistically. I think I was chasing after some things that were not that valuable to me.

Right now, I'm trying to get into earning a lot of money so that I don't ever have worry about working again. I would rather spend my time working out, hanging out with good friends, and maybe get around to raising a good family. I want to accumulate good wealth by doing something that would be satisfying to me and have absolutely no moral badness on my part.

Perhaps, another reason why I'm stuck with not doing this currency exchange thing is because I tried some home businesses that failed. I did play for actual money in poker and I did faily average while making some profit out of it but ended up going under overall. I'm down by like twenty dollars overall in my whole poker sessions. I have probably gambled a total of at least $500 in poker. Another reason of not trying is because I'm scared of losing money, I also have an influence from my mom who kept on pressuring me to get a job where I could get some valuable experience.

I'm stuck right now and feel really in debt with like 20,000 dollars remaining that I need to pay off. My credit cards are okay because I'm still making at least minimal payments. I have actually blanked out everything in my credit cards and owe no existing balances. I do however need to pay off my car and a student loan still, so that would be about 500 dollars a month for me. I just need 500 dollars a month to live in bare minimal existence right now, while enjoying some outings with friends and family. I have some good fortune in how I was raised and to have it going okay for me. Even though I'm physically short, I'm still learning to be okay with it and to accept it.  

Controlling Sexuality Is Very Hard

What I'm writing is very personal for myself, I need to extend myself and become a better person. I keep breaking myself down from having this sexual mindset. I don't really feel good about masturbating, anymore. I guess I'm in the mood sometimes and then after I do it, it becomes very depressing for me. I just don't see any satisfaction coming out of it on the long run. I think I just need to stop. The problem that's coming from it is viewing pornographic material out of lust, but tricking myself to think that it's for viewing pleasure and curiousity. I feel really bad to have this mindset of sexuality all by myself. It has this pique and then after I release it, it goes back down to rock-bottom emotionally. After a day or so, I may actually become normal again.

I'm feeling this desire all the time to improve myself. I think writing about it is helping me accept my weaknesses and to give me a better understanding of myself. By being fully honest even in these depressing situations for myself,  I'm finding out and discovering my own personal problems. I want to get out of this small rut that I am under. I don't want to live in this cycle anymore. I want to keep remembering that I should not be engaging in a sexual activity that I will be regretting. In time, my emotions are going to become normal again instead of feeling a little depressed from releasing it. I just have to learn to control this strong desire that I have for myself. It's getting rather difficult. Honesty hurts myself a lot, and I hope this continued honesty will keep me from being ignorant to myself. I am literally sharing myself here because I want to give witness to this transformation that takes place for myself. I'm only using writing as a tool to communicate what my problems are and hopefully, as an excuse to leave up something embarrassing for myself and eventually find my way out of it to live a really content life.

Happy Father's Day

Hope all the fathers out there are well-taken cared for and that everyone has a safe week. I had a pretty good time with my family today. I was the driver, and my sister complained about how I was driving recklessly with a V8 Hemi-engine. I guess I can't really help it, so I had a smile in my heart somewhere and did not mind. I like driving that vehicle, and it's pretty hard to do some manuevers so I had to be careful while I was exiting the freeway because it was a pretty curvy road. I really wanted to bust out a sports car so I could start vrooming while exiting the freeway. Oh well, it's better to be safe than sorry. I also saw a billboard with this huge photo of this pretty good looking lady on there and I took a glimpse at it and the car started shaking. I got my mind back on the road and then couldn't help laughing to myself again. It's a pretty cool idea having a Father's Day dinner at the Queen Mary, since we live close to the coast in Southern California. It was overall, pretty fun hanging out and I guess I'm getting over all those adolescent feelings these days. It took me awhile to get out of it, and nothing is so nerve-racking than just be nervous about anything even if there's nothing going on in your head.

My Thoughts About Keys To Good Fitness

I believe it takes patience, comfort, and a strong-willed mind to get to a pretty sexy physical level of fitness. Basically, it means a lot of time and having to deal with this ego that wants to speed up and then later, feel all this muscle pain so you decide to quit. About being turned on by girls, I'm usually haunted with myself about how I'm pretty short. I'm not that short but my physical height overall is pretty short.

I believe that I'm looking at the overall picture when it comes to me selecting a mate. I guess it's just my own preference in doing that. I think it's normal for me to feel physically attracted to some girls, and I figure that the innate emotion centered on the girl will become less to the point that I could really just not mind helping her out as a friend. After all, I am a guy who can see things factually and not be so rude about it all the time. Girls see things differently to me in that I would like to help them grow more happily sometimes.

Analyzing Annie Tran over at Hope Church L.A. was difficult for me, but I guess I just want to be encouraging to her and help her out now. I might have felt steamy when the brothers (baby Christian guys) acted like idiots after it escalated with Annie blocking me on a Facebook (haha) but why would she have to call it a personal decision? I think Annie just had some frustration issues with herself and thought I was all over her like up and at em', that's the reason why she blocked me and it became really similar with the guys and Betty Lam as well. I would really know what to say now, and I know that I'm not really interested in Annie or Betty sexually so there's nothing wrong about just helping to fix their circumstances because it's like I was forced to go along with this.  To explain why I may not be that attracted to Annie or Betty, they are not the same ethnicity as me and appear to be physically a little older than me even though they act pretty childish at times with me. I guess women sometimes have this issue of dealing with a small heart, as my mom explained with me. Even though they seem to work out, I guess the body is not what I'm really interested in because I'm looking at the long run. It's just how God made me I guess to feel physically attracted to women but not to get so aggressive with women, out of just that feeling. Annie and Betty have been decent with me at times, but overall, maybe it's better just to become close friends so all of us could grow more happily. They are the aggressors with me, who told me to do things and were trying to take a stand, so I was forced into this mess. Wow, I can see a little steam coming out of them or perceive that possibly their faces would go red after reading or someone telling them about this.

Am I going to get sued for being honest to the best of my ability because they want to be sore losers? I think I have it. It's like for me, in everything I do, I'm going to have some winning days and it's like a gift for me because those victories will satisfy me a million times over where I won't even have to be a sore winner and rub it in their face. So those personal emotions of being attracted physically seem to be getting reconciled for me and not that big of a deal now.

Losing To A Video Game

Haha, this is a really funny thing for me to think about. I'm not really that into video games as I used to be, so losing to a video game really badly is very funny to me. It's like I used to go on tilt and get all steamy when I would keep on losing with other players in a video game and then get so obsessed about beating everybody. The interesting thing is that the distraction depressed me a little but I practically just wasted time without really paying a lot of money. Many people consider that time is money and that I pretty much could place a value of playing video games in the past as priceless, if I all I really did was just practically get a free game from a friend and then just played it from dawn to the next morning.

So I'm practically getting my butt kicked playing a no-limit hold-em video game. I'm pretty impressed by how realistic the A.I. can play. It makes reasonable bluffs and calls. I managed to beat the whole thing at least once, but still I'm thinking to myself what if I had all this money and then lost it thinking I could become rich. Poker is fun at times, but playing it so vigorously continuously does not really feel right for me. I guess I hate the feeling of losing a large sum of money even if poker was to deal with skill. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb when I'm playing at a cash game. I know that if I were to play it pretty often, I would also have some winning days too but I think I'm going to be faced with more losing incidences rather than winning days. It's really hard for me to think about how profitable poker could be and that to obtain elite status, you have to be born lucky. It feels a little like living on the edge for me, and I just don't really want to give up my money in poker and pay my dues there by playing it with money.

Too Much Information

Okay, this blog is pretty much T.M.I. for myself and that the people who really acted crazy in the past from reading this blog pretty much did not know how to carry themselves really well or something. This site is so T.M.I. to me that I'm sort of being brave when I leave this up here to be advertised all over the world. This blog and any of my other variations has always dealt with me because it would be me writing about others, and how they were treating me. It's just about me naturally and everything that goes on here, even if I'm trying to laugh or get rid of the angry feelings I have for someone.

This honesty factor surely does get some people to laugh in private circles and start mocking me in secret. Well, I'm not really zoning in on them so it does not really matter to me what they think about me. I'm just in the mood for improving myself, and I know that some immature people who have read my comments were just being funny when they commented back with me and were going all crazy. I have an advantage in this writing thing because they're just stuck if they want to reflect on me with anything or if I do something to them. They just can't do anything in reality to me and does not really matter to me that much. I'll make it hard for them and if they end up succeeding in doing something bad then I guess I really don't care that much and feel like maybe they'll lose interest on the long run because I just hold naturally pretty decent character, I think. I think I'm just lucky in those areas to be born with a certain type of sensitivity. It's just been hard for me to open up and be fully honest because I was just afraid of being honest with people and that fear would translate to me losing friends. If I lose friends through my honesty, then I guess there's something I could work on in the long run.

Broken Promise

Okay, I seriously have a problem. I feel really embarrassed to share this on my own blog but I want to just be honest with myself and fix myself while dealing with the truth in my own situation. I think I have a sex addiction problem, which is just related to me viewing pornography and masturbating to it. Okay, I know how this sounds so gross and insanely crude to talk about on this blog.

I managed to go ten days before breaking the cycle. I now see how difficult it really is to get out of an obsession or addiction. What I'm going to do is try again and never masturbate. Looks like, my average of going bust is about once every two weeks. While I was masturbating, I was trying to see how long I could go without ejaculating. It's like I wanted to go for a long time, and in time, I know I would be okay so why do I have to keep abusing myself like this? Hey, I know this is very inappropriate to talk about very bluntly in social circles, so I'm just putting it only on this blog because it's giving me a lot of shock in portraying what I'm writing.

I guess after all, I would like to just write about good things on this blog. I have a revelation, I think. I don't think masturbating really does turn you into a good lover, after all. I think the best form of sex is in a loving marriage where you really care about the person and can emotionally connect with. I know that I'm thinking a little feminine here, but I feel that the best sex can be experienced with your own spouse and that it's better trading in lust and tampered sexuality for eternity in heaven. I think I have a better understanding of my own sexuality now, along with its flaws and that I'll be working at living a celibate life until the day comes where I'll be joined in marriage with a beautiful woman. If I'm not supposed to be married, then I will accept it and still try to live a long and happy life. I'm going to try again and let myself persevere in this area because I know I can responsibly repent.

Weight Is Really Creeping Up Badly

I'm facing the deadly music for myself. I don't like gaining so much weight while not looking fat to myself. Maybe, I am really getting fatter because my weight is like totally not in good standing. I remember that I lost a lot of weight by doing some running or walking. It's like I have to continuously do aerobic exercises if I want to maintain my weight and eat whatever I want.

Another interesting theory that I remember is that muscles could burn a lot of calories as well too. I should seriously build some muscle for myself while doing some aerobics at the same time. I would really like to stay active and be in physically good shape so that I could enjoy going out more.

If people were make fun of me by calling me fat or shorty, then I don't really seem to care that much anymore. I don't really know why. I don't even feel like crying underneath but just laughing about it. I do understand that larger people can be sensitive about it so it's their responsibility to manage their own health and hopefully, they'll do it right and really want to improve themselves.

What I'm Trying To Get Into

So work is pretty good, in that I get to go home early sometimes and still get paid for the hour I'm not working. It's getting okay because I'm moving around my body a lot, but still it's not really making me lose any weight. Okay, this is not really good and so I think I really need to get like a gym membership or something. I don't really want to weight to crank up to like 200 pounds while being a really short guy. I'm starting to not really care about my natural features anymore and think that I'm okay about dealing with it. I should really avoid eating hamburgers for awhile until I can tone down my weight another twenty pounds and build some muscle!

I guess the work itself is not really that bad on my body, as it gets adjusted. I pretty much need to have a more active body because that's how it's going to help me out. I already want to give up from going to work because I would prefer staying home, working out, and going places. I see that my weight has become pretty heavy and I think it's having a toll on my body. I think I could benefit much more by working out.

I should really put in more time with my strengths and lay off on the weaknesses. What's drawing me back from doing some things are lack of concentration, commitment, and money. The money that I'm receiving is supposedly not that bad and it's something I'm going to have to deal with. Thanks to the Lord, I think I'll always be able to give what's necessary for others and for now, I need to learn to take care of myself. I really want to have a lot of healthy improvement for myself. I read on a site that working out could actually lower your chances of being mentally depressed and that it could increase your activity level. It is physically demanding and might require some patience and commitment but doing this earlier besides setting it aside later would be better than just not treating it seriously for me.

I think I should set aside some time to read to.

My Professional Plan

This is pretty fun for me to write here and put down what I want to try. I guess making an okay living is alright so far, but I want to try to gain some more profit so I am going to try out investing. I guess trying out the Forex Market seems to represent a huge challenge, but big national banks are in on this foreign exchange to make some profit. The cool side is that you can create a practice account to do whatever you want to it and see how you would do in a real-life situation. I'm going to have to extend myself quite a lot of practice before going into this market.

I do see how it can be helpful to poorer countries in that you are ideally buying a foreign currency for cheaper and then investing your currency on them. Interestingly, this market has some central banks that can control how the whole money flow is going, and they pretty much have unlimited capital. According to Wikipedia, this market is also said to represent the closest market to perfect competition. This playing field is not for everyone and requires a lot of discipline and knowledge and assistance to get somewhere with this career.  Over 3 trillion dollars are being traded in this market, which makes it the largest liquid financial market in the planet!

I think overall, making money while contributing to this world is quite a ways to go and could be well-rewarding in financial terms. I don't really feel comfortable being a career poker player because its best purpose seems to be just entertaining viewers. I'm going to logically cut the cord in going pro with poker because it's really too hard and requires a lot of sweating while having very likely uncertainty. So my plan is to research and try out stuff and hopefully, it'll connect with more profit for me.  

Just Trying

After a few weeks of working for some bigger money, it's like I would like to go on a vacation. It's like I would like to work hard for like two weeks straight and then get what I need and then just disappear at some vacation site. The work is not that bad in that I'm not falling asleep as I'm accustomed to. I think it has to deal with mental toughness.

Okay, I need to stay away from a program called Optionetics now. Supposedly, the owner of the investor had a failure with his assets and practically lost all of his fortune in one year, so I don't really want to give into that now.  I'm going to try the best I can.

Need To Be Quicker

I really need to figure this out fast and jump on the band wagon. I want to really do stuff, but I guess I'm a little limited and stuck from not being fast enough. I'm 27 now, and I really need to think about how I want to set everything up professionally. I honestly would like to have it made, but to get to that position I would really have to work hard for it right now. A friend of mine wants to do it by winning the lottery or playing poker!

The work that I'm currently doing is pretty nice with the physical exercise, and the pay is good but I really want to have more time to myself right now for some reason.

My Current Mind Situation

I'm thinking too much to myself. I'm sometimes talking to myself, which I should really try to limit. I think I also occasionally get a runny nose with blood squirting out one side of my nose because there's like a weak scab on it. I think the reason why I keep getting it is because I boxed with a friend once and he kept on my punching my nose and then all of a sudden I had blood coming out of my nose, and I lost like a cup full of blood that day. I think my heart was just ongoing with blood pumping because it was excited from the adrenaline flow and everything. So, I was a pretty bad writer at the time and did not know what in the world I was doing, and everybody considered it to be normal. That's a nice analogy for me to express now.

I'm really thinking about coming back to that church which messed up with me. I think I'll come back to the church after the restraining order is put off, which comes off by default in about 2 years. I really don't care if they want to put another restraining order on me. I'm not going to go near them again and won't problems doing that, if the court imposes that on me again. Supposedly, it would like putting me on double jeopardy if they were to try to incriminate me again in the court of the law. I would also be inclined to file a harrassment claim against them as well too. Not being nervous and being honest for me seems to be taking me a long way in this situation. The advantage belongs back to me and always will. Also, the more they do those sort of actions, the more they are going to look bad and I will ensure that comes out because I'm just being a little random and not caring. I'll have my satisfaction with mainly the head pastor there, which I'm pretty sure will be around if the church is still in existence. If the church goes bankrupt or something, then maybe I'll put some money into it and see if some local believers would like to worship there freely! Either way, I'm happy to just express myself in an honest manner with anybody at that church and not care if they view me as a jerk. I'm just going to be like whatever there and not care and just push it and don't care any more further. I can make people look bad if they respond to me back or not, so it really does not matter how they act. They already acted bad and continue to act bad so that makes it easy for me to make them look bad, if they do nothing about it or justify themselves. I'm going to be continuously improving myself and being happy so I'm not worried.

Few Hours To Figure It Out

I guess I sleep pretty late and then get up pretty early. It's a little hard for me to adapt into to this work horse attitude. I would like to get into this habit now because it's something I want to earn a living off of. I think it takes a great deal of faith to have persistence in doing some novel things. I used to have these certain types of hardship feelings that would prevent me a little from trying harder.

Right now, I'm going to try to become a better investor in the foreign exchange market. It's going to take a lot of head knowledge to make some money off of this. I'm also going to work on a project with some friends to develop some cell phone games; that sounds like a lot of fun to mess around with. I also feel a little better about accepting my height, which I would like to be taller. I guess I just want to be taller than most women and I don't really know why. I've seen couples where the female is taller at this mall, and I saw like three couples walking around on a Saturday. I really did not care when I saw it and was like hmm, this is the new millenium where brain power is exceeding physical height. Females must be pretty smart a little more than before, or maybe they're just the same still to these peaceful times. I guess if I was a girl and dated a smaller guy, I'd be smiling a lot if he could make me laugh.

Time To Give It Up

I feel like I have an influence in people's lives now. I did not know this and some of the actions that I'm taking requires extreme precision to not make it so immoral for myself. I can literally have anything that I want- this is what I believe, so it makes it easy for me to be more patient with my attitude.

Sex, money, power, and friends don't really mean that much to me as having this close bond with my maker. It's just coming to being tied together just in faith. I'm not afraid anymore or nervous. Even if I am now, I know that I can overcome this situation now. I now have blunt honesty which is actually making me aware of what I need to try. Writing commitments on this blog seems to have a more powerful effect upon me, so yeah I'm never going to go kill anyone with this blog.

On the bright side, I'm glad that the restraining order was something that I could write about and it is fairly a common thing to experience for some people. I don't think I really needed a lawyer to defend my own restraining order and man this female lawyer really wanted to defend me like crazy because she knew I was innocent. That's what my instincts are telling me- she originally hated me, but later really liked me in person and laughed at the girl who placed a restraining order on me. My reaction is just shrugged shoulders.

I might as well enjoy myself a little on this blog, even if it makes sense to nobody but just me. I think I could damage Betty Lam's reputation, if I confront her again. My whole imagery of confrontation is just based on honesty and doing it with a calm persona- that's just too hard to fight off for any girl, in my opinion. Heck, it could even be discerned as being nice and flirtatious to her. So yeah, my advice would be to never leave out honesty and mature feelings. My reputation never sucked in the first place because I'm just lucky in those kind of areas I guess. Even with two restraining orders, it's like the two who placed it me, those types of friends are not really well-regarded and I guess they try to make themselves that way but come up short still.  What I think was wrong about Betty was that she tried to testify against me at court, but the judge really didn't let her. She like remained frustrated with me that she would even block my phone calls. I think I should really call her up again and not mind her dumb rants about placing a restraining order on me. I'm a man, I could do this. I'm going in to calm her angry persona down. I'm so surprised she hasn't even changed her number yet to start like a new life or something. Would it bother me if she changed her number? No. Would it bother me if she went out me? Possibly. Hmm, this should be a no-brainer than in facing her and not really caring if she wants to do something immoral with me because that stuff it something I can brush off like chaff while complaining how it tickles too much.

What I'm Glad About

Over the last year and a half, I'm recalling the church-related fiasco that happened with me dealing with Hope Church of L.A. I mainly felt some difficulty with the leadership and I think some of these individuals who wanted to carry out as a leader placed the leadership as an idol above God. I think they looked to themselves more than what Jesus what would have wanted. As a result, they fell short and made themselves the idol and did not put Jesus first. This is how I wanted to portray myself, in wanting to place God's principles first, while being in attendance with this church. It was a little obscure at first, but thinking about it for a long time and now reasonably laughing about everything that happened even while nobody really does when I reveal it, has put my life into a different and greater perspective.

I guess I'm a lot stronger now and more confident about revealing everything and not really worry about negative things that are going to happen with me anymore. If that's where it's going to head for me, then I'm going to accept it now. I'm not going to put up a nasty scowl over it and do nothing that wouldn't solve it. I guess I have an irritation that drives me to communicate better sometimes, and I should just lead myself to try to laugh about the situation more and lighten up; this irritation also puts in a better situation of concentration so even though it's uncomfortable for me, it's something that's always going to be a part of me and something that I won't ever confuse into being so much bad anymore.

Overall, I'm so glad that I was playful with a girl named Betty Lam on facebook =) - that I said I was going to chase after her, but I added her to a poem where it was supposed to be for only one girl and it was unfortunately negative. Honestly, I really did not want to be sexually attracted to Annie Tran and it was annoying me so much underneath, but I managed to get it off my system when she revealed she was engaged and I heard it through Carlos Julio. Betty personally was really friendly with me still and had a little confusion which is considerably normal for women to go through sometimes. She would get so frustrated when I was not communicating right with her. I think she looks mainly at a person's heart and not what they are on the outside and that makes her unique, despite all the experiences that she openly shared. I think Betty can come along as a strong believer in Christ and be so vivid as a person and genuinely be there to try to courageously touch other people's lives. I know what I'm saying now because I had so much practice writing on this blog. I guess even if I still feel occasionally frustrated with Betty, I won't really mind to be mindful to her and say what I really need to say. That was one of Betty's ring tones one time and I remember it so well. Betty also talks a lot too man. She referred to a song once about how this guy who was a little bit of an idiot with me wrote this song that mocked that trait about her. Even though I don't really have that much viable interest in marrying Betty, I'm going to say that she's hot!

Boring Set Of Plans

I really need to get myself back in gear. Okay, so I want to try to work out and get taller. I've done nothing practically to try to get to that goal of getting taller. My mind really wonders a lot into different places, and I'm just really not thinking well as I should to live happily. I think I just need to try more here to be smarter. I think writing about it and having this willingness to get there without really trying to sweat out any situation that I'm in would be okay, I suppose.

Okay, so I woke up pretty early and then focused on playing more because my mind became distracted again from playing some poker. I'm actually playing online poker for a little bit of money and only for about a half-an-hour because I don't want to be a compulsive gambler. The rest of the time has been about playing and amusing myself on the internet. I am pretty much reading up on a lot of stuff. Oh, I did read about the World Cup today which I'm pretty interested in catching up on. I think the U.S. has some good players on their team and may be a good competitor. Korea Republic, which I'm rooting for, has a chance to make it to the next round but will have to get past Greece first in their division.

Feeling Little Tired

I pretty much spent some time at a friend's house last night and feel a little tired after it. I think my mind needs to relax a little bit more before I dig into my new investment career. I'm having a little trouble acting out in faith and dilligence right now because I just want to play right now. I do have a full-time job that pays extremely well for what I'm trying to learn right now. It's alright and better than nothing. I'm still tempting myself to break off the sexual commitment I made, but I've managed to hang on for only two days. The longest I've ever gone was about one year, and I seriously don't know how I did it. I guess just keeping myself busy and seriously dating an attractive woman I mutually respected helped me stick to it. I think it's better that I learn to fulfill this commitment before trying to tie the knot, which I picked up from reading a book by Josh Harris. He has written a popular book that has sold pretty well, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." This may surprise a few individuals, but I've managed to keep my virginity. It's just dealing with my personal experiences of dealing with pornography and masturbation.

I think I need to develop a little more poise with my own situation and have some more persistence with what I want to do. Instead of just letting my youth walk away, I think I should store some useful things so that I could enjoy my youth. I don't really want to get caught up in this rat race, anymore. Neither do I want to take any unhealthy routes.

New Goals

I'm going to invest about 5,000 dollars on some stocks. I'm opening up an acount today. I need to realize that I have to work for my financial dreams. Still, I want to have this heart to give something back to charities who really care about helping others in need and solving issues of hunger, thirst, and sickness. I'm going to have to work hard now so that I can also play hard.

It's a good thing that I can risk 5,000 dollars and it's a substantial amount with the style that I'm undertaking. It took some research and luck but I think I have the skills to apply rise to the occasion when that chance occurs. I have pretty good job and I'll be making at least 5,000 dollars per month so this should not really be that bad for me. I'm going to try it now. I have to remember to give it all this time and not just play. I have to limit my lazy indulgences and seriously work out and do some things so I don't really feel that bad.

I also think it sucks to be short so I'm going to do something about it instead of just sitting there. That's just how I was made. No, I'll never resort to surgery because that's totally unfair. I should just try to give effort to think what a normal guy would be about and just understand that aspect and be in tune with Biblical wisdom.

Pinky Swear

Okay, I made a sexual commitment with myself. I'm going to see how long it goes now. I want to see how strong my patience level is and where my desires take me. I'm going to try this type of internet posting for myself now. So it's approximately almost 11:00 am. I will reveal what my commitment was, if I ever break it. I want to see how long I can go for now. It seems pretty straight-forward and just holding myself accountable.

Private Measures I'm Trying To Take

I guess I'm finding some bugs in this blog. It has this reloading problem, so it's a little hard to read the text more clearly. I'm pretty surprised that some people were in a warped situation by thinking it was uncool with what I wrote and became so offended with themselves and took it out on me. I'm now in a more bigger situation with this now.

I really don't like writing this, but I think it's good for me to continue doing this until I am satisfied with myself in this area and can come clean for future references. If it's going to affect my future relationships with spouses and marriages, then oh well. I guess I was not cut out for it after all then and I'm not going to complain about it with the loving Father. I'm going to find this absolute spiritual balance one of these days and I know that I'm really close to obtaining it.  With this whole porn and masturbation thing, I know that I need to stop it. It does not interfere with my life and I'm having a hard time seeing its health hazard potential with me. I'm just using pornographic material to reach arousal really fast and then masturbating because it feels good. It's like I don't need to feel bad over it, but I know at the same time that it's not a good act of purity and wise spiritual investment.

I think overall I have very big emotions that I allow to be set on overdrive and I just go with it. I need to learn how to use this without being bad in front of facing myself. I know the purest form and I'm smart enough to let it go there. I guess I need to relax when I'm struggling inwardly and just allow God to help me see through it on a permanent basis. I believe that the right action would be to settle down and really think through it now. Despite some of my negative actions, I'm still willing to change.

Little Hard To Remember

For me, I don't really want to add any more photos on this blog right now because I don't want to store some of them on my hard drive. It was pretty cool to work on visual and writing at the same time. I need to urge myself to read the Bible; it's been of pretty good help to me. Even though some things show mockery of Jesus and Christianity, I'm still convinced that God is real and that He sent His Son to die on the cross that we may come to know about his crucifixtion and gain life.

I am really a believer who is having a pretty difficult time walking with the Lord but my struggles are becoming more and more manageable to me. It just doesn't bother me anymore with other believers acting strange and trying to aggravate me with their opinions overthrowing Biblical wisdom. We're supposedly one big family eh?

Bought A New Computer

I guess if you're pretty much into computers then I think I bought a pretty good computer. Okay, this is pretty boring to write about today on a Sunday. I guess I'm not really in the mood for sharing that much right now and that perhaps, I should really just lay off on doing some stuff right now. I feel pretty stoic as well and sort of really understand that my life is really based of some mysteries and minor complaints with myself. I just need to not let these types of things really bother me now.

I missed going to church today which is not good for me. I normally set my time to go to church at 8:30 am and I went to bed at around 2:00 am and when I woke up I disabled the alarm and went back to sleep. When I woke up again, it was 8:30 am and my friend also spent the night over. I pretty much crimped up on a small couch and slept there while my friend slept on my bed. I really did not feel like sleeping in my sister's vacant room. It does feel a little weird to lay on her bed for a long period to me.

My Laptop Broke

I'm sitting here on my dad's laptop at his home office and really disappointed that my old HP laptop decided to like self-destruct. The problem that I had with it was that it was really too noisy. This noisiness is basically an indication that the system was overheating too much because of possibly foreign substances and other things. I really didn't do anything about the noise level because I just didn't care about how noisy it was. At the library, I felt a little embarrassed that it would sound so noisy compared to the other laptops. I found out through a little googling that the old HP models with the laptops had an overclocked NVIDIA chip, which is a really well-known and good brand for display cards. The overclocked chip causes the system to overheat. It was part of the mainboard. I was pretty shocked to discover that I couldn't really open up my labtop as it's not designed to really be repaired. I did manage to salvage some parts, like the DVD burner and hard drive before throwing away the chasis. I also opened it up to see what was going on there and teared open some sticky covers to see what was underneath. I kept on fiddling with it to see if there would be any improvement. I'm not really that mad because I bought the laptop for a good deal and it served me well throughout the last 3 years I had it for. I guess I just left the laptop running all the time and didn't give it a break by turning it off. Some of the spyware that it accidentally downloaded kept the computer running continuously so it kept on overheating with the hogged resources. Oh well, it was time for the laptop to go. I was complaining about it to myself a little because the finger pad would get so hot. I have a nice job now so buying a new laptop does not really kill my income or anything. I just have a valuable experience for myself and maybe I'll actually spend a lot more later to keep a computer for a very long time and capable of running even after facing a lot of adverse events.

After all, the problem was with the display because nothing came out. I'm concluding that the onboard chips decided to give out and that it's better to buy a new laptop now then to fix this laptop to get my money's worth on the long run. I think next time my laptop gets too noisy then I have to seriously do something about it like possibly cleaning it physically or looking for more software updates. I think I got handed the short stick because the hardware was a little unstable this time. I still think HP is a valuable laptop manufacturer and pretty durable with the later models and I do see improvement in my dad's laptop which is also an HP. It's like a 20 inch wide screen with some high end parts.

My Honest Situation With Bipolar

Honestly, growing up had some pains for me. When I was a senior in high school, a female classmate claimed that all women have bipolar and that she stated that she was on medication. I just sat there really quiet and did not know how to reminisence about it. I used to ask her if she liked some things I did and that's about it.

During my sophomore year in high school, I did a whole heck of a lot of crying. I was so depressed from getting bad grades on my report card. I was so distracted from playing video games and not sleeping enough. I was so addicted to the internet during that year and it really had some compromising attributes in my social life, which made me depressed. I wanted to have a normal social life and feel accepted by others and even my friends probably felt that I was being a little weird but in a really funny way because I'm also the type who learned to stick to it and be aggressively hardworking.

Okay, so maybe it feels like a fluke with me being diagnosed with bipolar. I was just so dejected about hearing echos in my head. I think the stress came from trying to force myself to be a better student and layoff on playing video games. I was just too sensitive and not used to being away from the internet around my life or video games and then I became really lonely because nothing unaccompanied my time being to myself. My friends would do some stuff outside every once in awhile and I would feel so separated with everyone during this period of adolesence.

Wow I'm Normal Sexually?

Okay, I do not like writing this on my blog but my commitment to be honest is what is making me put this down. This is the area that feels the most embarrassing to me. I will never talk about this in person-to-person directly so I'm writing it to mainly release my level of distraction. This is something that I will probably be avoiding for future references now. I'm also really good at keeping secrets. I'm just leaving myself out in the open because I just want to do this honesty thing with myself on the internet. Right after I urinate, I still have a little clear fluid that leaks out of the main head of the penis. I'm not sure what it is but supposedly it's a fluid that is responsible for flushing out the fertile areas.

I read up on how semen can also look a little yellow and that it's very normal because it can be that type of color. I think it's the lighting supposedly that could give it that color. I orginally thought it was a mixture of semen and urine. I wanted to see what the color of my semen was and wanted to see if there was anything wrong with my body. Based on googling some answers, it seems like the male fertile system is really versatile no matter what goes on underneath there, except for conditions of testicular cancer. It just felt like my body was turning weird from living a life of celibacy which means restraining myself from masturbating as well. I'm at fault with overreacting sexually with myself because I feel like I want everything to be normal and also be prepared for that good moment. I still am going through those personal rites with myself and I'm trying to find some closure with it. Maybe it's just a lack of confidence in myself that I'm trying to deal with. Maybe, it's a little bipolar attitude from not understanding myself yet. I have no clue, but whatever the hindrance is, I'm going to become absolutely sure of myself and continue giving my homage to repentance for God.

I think sex is best described with a married couple, as it's related to the Bible. Sex is not just used for procreation of life but also recreation because God meant it to be absolutely good! Anything apart from putting sex in marriage, the Bible describes it as evil and those types of practices should be stopped. This means to me in general not masturbating as well or idolizing pornography. There seems to be some type of special attachment that I used to have. I no longer have it and think everything about me is absolutely normal now. I just need to go puruse after growing in my faith with Jesus from studying the pages of the Bible now.

New Month New Season

I'm pretty bored with playing a simple game called Wizard 101. The reason why I'm bored is because I can't visit new worlds unless I pay for them. I guess I don't want to pay for it when it's supposedly fun playing for free. I sort of don't want to play it anymore because I think there are more mature games out there for me to try and with a better deal.

I'm realizing that my hormones are about finding some type of release. I think that's its truest form by itself and it's something I'm going to have to cope with. I believe that there are a lot of fun things to do nowadays, especially from being away from countries that are at war. I'm pretty surprised by how a lot of young people are willing to put their life on the line voluntarily to serve this country. There must be some reason that causes people to go that far.

I guess investing in the foreign currency market might not really be that bad for me now since I have a full-time job. I feel really motivated to come to work and help out eight hours a day. I don't feel so bad about it and want to seriously give it some fun and enjoying the time I have learning some trade. I have a good opportunity now and should not mess this up. I don't really feel that personally depressed about too many things anymore. I used to also care so much about not having the appearance that I wanted that I would feel so low. I feel pretty good these days and I hope that my tired energy will pick up with a good amount of rest, good diet and exercise, and nice fun on my off hours. I think I have the money now to really go dating as well. I'm pretty much going to do those yoga stretches to see if I can grow taller now. I'm going to stay consistent with it now. I see where my energy should stay depressed and whereas I should be progressing in other areas. I think I've learned to finally wise up. I'm also glad that Jesus found me.