What I'm writing is very personal for myself, I need to extend myself and become a better person. I keep breaking myself down from having this sexual mindset. I don't really feel good about masturbating, anymore. I guess I'm in the mood sometimes and then after I do it, it becomes very depressing for me. I just don't see any satisfaction coming out of it on the long run. I think I just need to stop. The problem that's coming from it is viewing pornographic material out of lust, but tricking myself to think that it's for viewing pleasure and curiousity. I feel really bad to have this mindset of sexuality all by myself. It has this pique and then after I release it, it goes back down to rock-bottom emotionally. After a day or so, I may actually become normal again.
I'm feeling this desire all the time to improve myself. I think writing about it is helping me accept my weaknesses and to give me a better understanding of myself. By being fully honest even in these depressing situations for myself, I'm finding out and discovering my own personal problems. I want to get out of this small rut that I am under. I don't want to live in this cycle anymore. I want to keep remembering that I should not be engaging in a sexual activity that I will be regretting. In time, my emotions are going to become normal again instead of feeling a little depressed from releasing it. I just have to learn to control this strong desire that I have for myself. It's getting rather difficult. Honesty hurts myself a lot, and I hope this continued honesty will keep me from being ignorant to myself. I am literally sharing myself here because I want to give witness to this transformation that takes place for myself. I'm only using writing as a tool to communicate what my problems are and hopefully, as an excuse to leave up something embarrassing for myself and eventually find my way out of it to live a really content life.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
