Hmm Interesting

If you go on recoveryzone.com you can check out this cool updated survey to see if you are considered to be a sex addict. Why would you want to do this? Well, I'm thinking from how if a person likes to view porn then maybe he or she should give it a look. Since I've been pretty straightforward about my sexuality, I feel a lot more normal. I talked about it with a girl and she gave me advice to not bring it up by telling me that it's T.M.I. (too much information). I was like cool, I don't have to ever bring it up then with the girls. As long as I'm functioning normally and feel stupid about how I engaged in it and not struggling with it anymore, then I can move on nicely.

I've been on an online chatroom where the topic was about sex and I just opened up there. Nobody told me to really shut up or anything. I was messing around too mostly while laughing and when I made one of the girls on there laugh, I made another guy jealous of me. He sent me a private message about how annoying I was. Okay, that was then and I don't still go on there but man, it was so funny to mess around by talking honestly about my sexual issues. Overall, I guess it depends on who the people are.

When I took the test, I just answered yes to one question, spent considerable amount of time surfing the web for porn. When I got back the results, it said that I'm almost in the 0 percent tile for sex addiction. Yeah porn can seriously damage cravings for sex addiction. I can testify to that so that's why I don't look at it and struggle with wanting to go back to look at it again.

This is what I've found out about myself and it makes a lot of sense now. It's not that I'm addicted to sex or porn, it's that I desire to have sex and plenty of it on almost a daily basis. I'm seriously wired this way while ignoring being physically attracted to this hot friend at the same time. It's just managing myself I guess one could say.

One of these days, I'll marry a hot girl while were in love and have her all to myself and then still find regular time for it even after having a few babies.

Finally Minimal Tasks Completed

I finally reached my minimum goal of reading the Bible, working on trading currency, and going to work out yesterday! I don't mind the thought of doing it everyday if even possible.

One of my struggles that I saw through is that eating dinner right after coming home really kills me. After eating, I immediately went into reading the Bible and making trades after that, I was able to get ready to go work out. It all worked out for me, but the crazy thing was that after I came back home around 10:30 pm I wasn't tired at all and feeling really active.

I ended up having fun over watching this anime show and watching an entertaining critique about it on YouTube. I think the show is called Chivalry of a Failed Knight. It's a romantic/action series and is not that bad. I don't know how it makes sense with the main character being paired up with a princess for his roommate. Obviously, they end up falling in love after dueling each other. It seems like a pretty generic story and nothing surprising. Yet, the elements were pretty entertaining that I only watched the episodes I was interested in seeing after reading summaries on Wiki. I practically finished watching it yesterday until around 2 am, which isn't that bad now that I don't have anymore anime to watch for now.

I overslept for work too, which wasn't good. I'm going to utilize my time better. Maybe instead of watching entertainment when I get back from working out and feeling active. I could use that to my advantage with preparing for cooking, programming, or even practice strumming my guitar or playing piano! I really have a lot of things that I would like my utilize my time for developing in even though I don't feel like it at that moment. I should just go after it just to see what happens.

New Strategy of Accomplishing Goals

It looks like for a few months I was struggling with trying to handle getting in a nice supper and then going to work out. I would usually end up not going to the gym and just falling asleep while on the couch watching TV. I'm not about to go for that now.

I think I see what's going on in that I'm spending my time mindlessly on things that really don't have too much value to me anymore. I'm thinking like how I'm harmlessly not letting a lot of time pass by, but it eventually adds up to a few hours and then it becomes too late because I'm just too tired to do anything.

While being up now, I think I'm just going to hit the gym or do a work out. By having done this then I will have succeeded my task of reading the Bible, making currency trades, and working out at the bare minimum.

However, I do also want to play a little bit of music or song and dance, be able to socialize, do some cooking in between, and program stuff on the computer. This is pretty much my happy personal routine that I have set up for myself. To be able to share it with a lovely wife and kids would also be the bomb!

I think I understand what my dream is and it's really something that is going to take a lot of hard work. I don't really mind at all because at the same time, I'm enjoying the amount of hard work that I try to put into it. It feels joyfully renewing actually. It's feels like this so much that I don't really care too much about dwelling on the past for stupid people like stupid Lee and Washington and a few more who were just being plain dumb with me.

Back To Utilizing Time Management

Something that I've finally picked up on is that the cravings just come and go. It's like I have been doing well with not giving in those days and then it passes. If I'm not careful then when I'm desiring it again, then I'll slip up. It can also happen where I'm not really feeling anything at all either and just going for it like a numb skull!

With taking these high and low periods in mind, if I was able to hold off for at least a week and felt no dependency on whatever I was feeling obsessed over, then I should be able to fend off those desires or weird feelings that I'm getting repetitively on occasion. There will pretty much be that high and low struggle and then will come a moment of feeling peaceful and at rest before the agitation builds back up again. I think it's pretty much just reliving as a struggling guy over something that I was addicted too.

Simplifying Life Again

I definitely can't pass up socializing opportunities with this hot female friend of mine. She's pretty hot and I give her that, but I don't really feel like pursuing after her. I don't mind being friends with hot girls because she might be able to introduce me to another fine girl someday too. Something about this girl is that she looks hot from how she takes her of herself with her makeup and hair. Her friends are practically old and normal looking. It looks like she's the only one who stands out right now!

She's just a good hang out buddy then and a very good looking one. The physical attraction is going to still come and go and it's not something I want to base a relationship off of. I'm just slightly different in that area from having got used to those feelings. The fact that they come and go, it's not really worth bothering to go get filled up. I want something that's long lasting and friendship with her feels right. I don't feel much in the thought of lusting after her.

Practically my other guy friends have ended up liking her because they are sort of losers with the female crowd! I'm like if only they are able to open their eyes to the horizon and take better care of themselves then they could score a high quality and beautiful girl. Oh well, it's hard to get away from something habitually.

One of my buddies isn't able to adjust right away and just keeps on letting himself struggle. It's a bit frustrating but I guess that's how some people are and I was like that too for a time being. Sometimes you just have to start off easy and the level you are starting at could be too high. It's a struggle sometimes and that's where it becomes not that fun.

Hard Work Ethic

I've finally figured out that for a living I want to just invest and starting out with currency and also be a programmer of some sort. I find the idea of pursuing after a video game making a very cool idea. Of course on the side, I want to program other apps as well. I'm still trying to come around to do all this. On top of all this, I also have a little bit of musicianship and desire to dwell on cooking.

I guess from all of this, I'm definitely not going to have any time to just afford to play around by myself. I should really be utilizing my time to get these things done during my down time. I guess while waiting on other stuff to come around for me. I could just keep myself busy with this general healthy and happy making routine.

Scheduling Different

I've been trying to figure out how to get my work out in. It's been a little hard because I've been waiting on eating a meal right after coming back home. I think what I'll be doing now is after eating, I'll go ahead with trading and reading the Bible. Afterwards, I'll just prep up to go get a work out. In the meantime, while waiting for a work out, I could as well do the same thing.

I guess I don't really have time for playing silly games now and should go after building them. I think it's this personality of mine that feels like I don't really have time or anything.

Interesting Pick Up

I'm starting to gauge comfortably on my relationship situations now. I think I'm talking to a real girl across this country who I only talked to on the phone. She had a crazy hot accent, but sounded like a middle-aged woman or a dude on a voice changer. I looked up her name and can't reverse image search her photos that she sent. They come up with empty searches on the Internet. I think she's beautiful too.

I did find that her name connects to a middle aged woman so I'm like creating all these conspiracy theories that I want to be broken. I love her personality and the way she texts me back though. She really sounds like a real person who happens to also be busy. She sounds so cute and charming too based on her texts. I don't know but I might have met my match. I'm just holding on best I can, but not going to be disappointed if she is this 50 year old woman. I think I'll still love her anyway, but not pursue anything romantic. It would be just way too unsettling for me. Plus, I would consider it to be a drastic lie that could hurt a considerable amount.

With this other female friend, she looks great from working out and appearing thin. The physical attraction just comes and go and I ignore it with all of my heart, body, and soul. I look at it from natural point of view after disregarding those lustful temptations. She's pretty cool and I appreciate her a great deal, but I don't think she's even my type. She's really sweet too and I love that about her, but she isn't really in the market. It's one of those things where I don't really feel much about pursuing after her, but just like her for who she is mainly.

Oh Boy

Oh boy I'm trying to catch up with these posts again. I've been away from this blog for about a week and notice that I attracted a few readers. That's actually pretty cool if I was making some money off of it, but I'll just consider this doing a little bit of charity work and trying to humor myself from making myself  an open book!

I've picked up on the acoustic guitar lately and been having fun strumming to a tune. A really cool chick (yeah, she's a girl) is actually teaching me for free! She isn't fat or anything either really. She looks pretty normal and has been working out recently. That is so cool because I might get to see her transition into a very hot girl.

She's friends with some guy who runs a studio and he can get us hooked up with some cheap recordings of around $10 an hour. Man, I can seriously handle that and he even said they have a drum set too and he can play a little. I see that maybe we could form a band someday just for kicks and have fun with it. I want to play well obviously and it's just cool so I don't care if nobody listens to us like at an outdoor event.

Becoming Wiser

I think it's practically about just going for it this time around and being true to yourself. Well, I hope not to offend but loving the Biblical Jesus and others in God's image is the right way to go. I'm trying to convey that having a relationship with the Lord is something you can't go wrong in.

I'm going to try to pick up with where I left off in studying the Bible. I'm still stuck in the Old Testament after all this time! Yet the commentary I'm using is a great resource in keeping me up to date with the New Testament anyway. It's making some pretty cool connections, so I don't think I'm missing out. It's still the Bible basically in other words and don't have to worry.

Practically my idea is still the same old and just going after it even if my emotions plain suck. I guess the direction I'm headed is something I shouldn't really doubt in myself because I am trying to include God in my life every step of the way. It just took awhile longer to try to process everything. I'm still not perfect, but looking forward to the day that He grants me membership into His kingdom.

Going After It

Pretty much my view of discipline is to just drop what you are doing and to go after it. So while I'm pointlessly just trying to play video games because it's in my natural inclination to do so, I should just ignore it and do something productive like trying to make video game to get others hooked and become a billionaire myself! No, I'm just kidding about the money part, but I really do want to give myself a hard time to put together a playable game. It might take me years to polish just one, but I think it's worth the rush to add in the finishing touches and sell it for free by adding in some ads or whatever other developers do to try to reel in some cash.

The limitations that I see in accomplishing my really hard and not so always comfy dreams is my own stupid addictions like playing aimless card games that I think exercises my brain and exhaustion. If I can get through those and manage my time really well with at least getting the bare minimum which is studying the Bible, working out, and trading then I should be good. It's crazy in that I can't trade on the weekends because it's not allowed, so I'll have to take some off from that. I'll have to find another thing to add on. If I can just manage to be steady with those three things then I might be able to tack on other things too because I like to keep myself engaged.

All these years, I've been engaged doing foolish things like playing video games that don't make me money in the end!

How the Lord's Day Works?

Well, without question, I'm still sinning on the Lord's Day? if it's meant to be everyday. I'm not proud of it and I don't mean that as a funny joke even though I'm laughing about it. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. That's what the Bible says.

What I'm finding that works is to just go at it and that's about it. The most difficult days I'd so for being addicted to porn is the first three days. The mind just wants to crave the fun attention that you give yourself and continuously get it or however amount before you wear yourself out.

After those days passes, it's like nothing. I went at it again today to test to see how I'm doing in the field of holding it in. I didn't do so well, and it's going to be like that always. However, afterwards I'm really holding it in like a beast after a few times. I'm saying this while laughing too, but it's something to really boast about it for me. It's my own detriment that I keep walking myself into.

I seriously want to settle down but need to get my mind permanently off of this stuff first.

The Lord's Day?

I have a question mark right after this title the Lord's Day? It initially makes me laugh thinking about it. Some people could be like so stupid and that thought makes me laugh even more.

I was originally thinking about busting myself from indulging in unclean behavior of watching some porno clips, but I was like "Nah, it's the Lord's Day today. I really shouldn't." Then, the girl I'm supposed to dating who I met online texted me. That gave me some pretty good distractions to not engage in that behavior from regretting it.

What really got me enticed to do it was that I wanted to measure how long I am. I read some surveys and it's like the ladies who volunteered to answer them were like this so and so size is for us. The average came out to where I'm at. I'm like so yeah, I need to be pumped up for the world and be convinced that I'll make a great lover and all of that, so let's get into my porn ritual that I so want to lay off of.

All of these thoughts circulated, but what started it was what I thought at first was innocent which was looking up on some nudist colonies. It didn't go so well and those people are like nudity doesn't matter but to me, I'm not like them so I guess I shouldn't go there then.

If I treat everyday to be the Lord's day then everything for me may be in order. I might actually get stuff done for once! The Bible is so keen about preaching proper time management. We need to conduct ourselves in that way to live out excellent and productively. I'm going to try it out then, so today is the Lord's day? Along with tomorrow and then the next day and so on and so on, etc. ? I have homework everyday to conduct too, so let's get it done before I go play. I used to be play first and work hard later and still am like that to this day, but maybe treating everyday like it's the Lord's Day? I'll have a better shot at doing homework first instead.  

Well This Is Cool

I'm back to confessing that I want to live spiritually pure life on here. It's helping me to find some solace with myself from trying write stuff like this and come clean. The audience who I'm reaching is honestly people I'm indifferent about attracting. The fact that anyone could have stumbled on this site and started reading is remarkable.

It's just like that dopey kid from like 14 years ago, my old friend, who turned into an old hag with me put a restraining order on me. He was just fed up with me because he couldn't handle what I wrote about him. I never really apologized to him because there's really no problem that he's trying to make a living by himself.

Yeah he lost control with his emotions and did something that hurt me in a way. I think I can forgive him for it now. The Bible even says I should or face holy judgement. I can't stand judgement with flawed reasoning though.

It was really hard for me let everything go. I'm so much more calm about the situation now. I know the other people are in a vulnerable spot because I can exploit them, which is what they are afraid of.

So basically I'm just going to work out, trade on the weekdays, read the Bible, play some original music and sing if I can and even dance, work on programming something, socialize, and cook. That's pretty much all I really need to do for my time. This is assuming that I'll have my basic necessities too like hygiene and dining. My end goal is to live as a Christian who became a millionaire and fit as well with a six pack! It's not going to be easy, but the hard work will be well-worth it to me.

Making the Choice

Everyday it's really about choices. Some are good ones and others can cause some regret later on if not executed properly. Time management is very important. One of my friends does a really good job at this. She executes tasks pretty fast and states that she likes me. What I don't get sort of is that she gives me these nice hugs and then has recently started giving me a pat on the back.

I wonder if that's supposed to a sign of having earned camaraderie with her or that she's just doing that without realizing it. Maybe she's keen on it and trying to give off a friendly message to me. I don't really feel for her as I used to though. During the last year though, I had some really nice hugs with her. I did like her, but now those feelings of attraction have just waned.

I don't think basing love off of physical attraction isn't going to help any cause. I'm not looking at it in that manner. Yet, it's nice to have an outlook of being with a pretty wife in the future.

So back to choices and enough with digressing for once in a blue moon! I literally have a choice each day to whether I want to come home and not work out and just go about watching porn secretly or to keep myself busy with something.

I do have a schedule that I made visually and I have it on my desk. I haven't even really came close to finish the first five of them. What I'm lacking in is that I don't really want to treat my time and that preciously and just let it fly by. I'm totally not paying attention with my time that I'm putting into something. This is where my weakness is in that I'm not going after preparation, where I should be.

Writing A Lot

Well, I could never imagine myself holding up this blog for all these years and to still contain about a million thoughts going through my head. All of these words that I'm writing isn't coming from any field or discipline. It's just my own uncanny personality that doesn't like to use swear words and try to pitch in some humor every so often whenever it feels appropriate for me, even if it doesn't.

I guess I'm opening myself up by trying to talk about my struggles now and being more open about them. One of my qualities is that even though I may list these weaknesses of mine, I'm one who likes to go about fixing them. I want to constantly improve myself and become a better person which is goal.

It was probably better to not get mad at a younger lad who was trying to do his job. I lost my respect for him and so that's probably why I was upset. Honestly, if I'm not going back to read my sentences, I'm messing up with some words and totally putting in a different meaning.

Well I am a bit sleepy right now. My mind is that barely awake and trying to fall asleep right now. It's only 1 am and I should be fast asleep. Yet, it's the weekend so I'm letting my mind ride it out to finish up this blog and get to the day it should be at.

Managing Time Better

One of the things I have to do is control my impulsiveness to play video games. It's like an addiction for me because I crave it from often times feeling like I have nothing to do. Right now, I have no urge to look at porn. The only times I've really done so is that once in awhile, I want to practice and see if I can hold it in and not release too soon from doing a tight grip.

I'm pretty much concentrating and getting about 95% of it, but never really 100% because it's just impossible for me. I think there's that little extra effort that I need to put time into in order to master what I'm looking for. Maybe in fact, instead of being just a little time, it could even take a lifetime to master from the lack of information that I have stored within myself.

Definitely, I'm getting a whole lot better with my chops and doing really well with interacting better. It's a good thing with where I'm headed though. I don't think the people who I gave trouble and who just fired back at me from being mad in a blind sense while denying it.

I managed to beat the people who gave me a hard time. I didn't intentionally mean to give them a hard time in the first place. They were just being buttheads with me because they couldn't handle something that really had nothing do with the person and me. The fact that this confusion took place is that they just refused to see anything else except their own way of status and from being selfish in that manner.

It really did tick me off and I just opened up by just making fun of the person and letting it all out in that direction. I just became blunt and spoke what came out of my heart. It was totally just smack talk and that's all it really was. I think it's normal and funny and that's what I participated with myself in doing. The other person hasn't came after me from doing that.

I guess I'll see what happens because I'm actually interested in making it hard on the other person and making him look bad now. That could probably be one of the reasons why the other person doesn't want to act up with me anymore and be respectful towards me. From me actually being honest, I'm not really that scary but someone who can be related to. From me doing some honest smack talk, it really helped set things in motion for myself though.

Manning Up

After being so used to myself and not trying to just stress myself out with getting things done, I have a totally new approach which is actually trying to enjoy what I'm getting myself into. I don't have those really high and proud expectations for myself anymore. I've also grown past that. To really let myself down and try to ignore it afterwards isn't really that good.

So now it's time for me to put all of this together and get my act straight together. One of the things I've literally have done is letting my mouth go really foul and saying dirty things while no one is around. It's in my ingrained nature to not curse with bad words when people around. When it's just by myself and I put myself through some uncomfortable thoughts, then my mouth can just start running off in a bad way. I would really like to fix this if I can.

I want to live a pure spiritual life even when I'm not around people. I would like to not even have to look at porn ever again if that's even possible while I'm not married and yearning for a good wife to have some great sexual contact with.

Wow this blog is really turning into more adult oriented themes now and I've been trying to keep my mouth shut because I'm worried about little kids reading this site. I don't want to be influenced in bad direction. Are they really that smart to understand what's going on and capable of handling it? I'm going to have assume that if they have the maturity this understand what I'm writing here, then I'll let it be permissible.

I'm not going use swear words even though I do reluctantly in private. I've heard from people a couple times apologize for saying curse words and offending anybody. I just choose not to use it in my vocabulary, even though practically all my friends do say a curse word or two. They even like to deny it they don't use those words sometime! Actually from being around other Christians, it's been nice in that they choose not to. A have a few acquaintances who are true Christians to begin with. I'm trying to live purely as one of them, even though my heart is convicted in the beliefs of Biblical Christianity.

A Few Bad Things I Notice About Myself

I've noticed that when I'm totally self-absorbed on my own thoughts then I'm pretty much absent-minded and not fully concentrating. Basically I'm trying to wing it and be perfect at something while letting my mind just absorb the feelings of some incident and try to soak in the moment. It's something like that, but I'm definitely not focusing on the source that I should be. I notice that when I'm thinking about something else while trying to read the Bible, I'm totally not picking up on anything.

Yet from trying to practice it, I've noticed that just simply focusing on trying to comprehend the text as best as I can and reading at a comfortable pace, I'm able to actually read it somehow. Some verses are still very difficult to understand what God means, but it's just I can read it and have a better idea than I used to now.

That's some area that I notice with myself that I could improve on while reading the Bible, which is taking it pretty seriously and trying to pay attention to the details. I'm just sitting there sometimes and letting my mind just wander off. What I was just thinking now, is this old friend who I lost contact with along time ago. She married a doofus but I don't really care that he is one to me. Anyhow, she talked about how reading the Bible was a chore to her on some occasions. That's very interesting indeed in that she was one to read it daily. She was a little mislead with emotional reasoning too just like we all can be, so it's really hard to find the right guidance for the Bible sometimes.

I guess it comes down to if the soul really wants to will him or herself into having a true spiritual walk with God.

Just the Basics For Me

I guess my basics now is to pretty much just find time after work to work out, do a little trading, and studying a little bit of the Bible each day. I would love to do this. On top of this, I would also like to cook my own meals instead of being reliant of having to go buy it every time. Another thing is that I would like to continue developing in music, song, and dance. Programming on the computer or something related to doing IT is pretty much my last deal, so that's pretty much like my favorite five things that I want to stay on top of if I can each day.  Oh yeah, I would also like to make some time to socialize with people to so I really ought to make the best of this.

I can't really let myself get so carried away with playing video games and watching movies or TV by myself now. I'm letting myself just go and time just flies by fast without me realizing it. I should just ignore those activities and control the self-pressure and out of it feeling I'm going through and just follow through. What makes it hard is that I'm worried about overdoing it and putting myself into some type of depression. I'm a little scared in that sense so I've been just relaxing with games and TV to just try to offset those weird feelings of mine sometimes. I guess I'm trying to distract myself from reality like a drug in some sense. Maybe, I would be a stronger person if I managed those feelings and worked hard to be a successful millionaire with a six pack.

The Basics

Okay, what I need to do is pretty much follow a routine and live up to it even if I'm not really feeling it. I think there's where I'm having trouble managing then. It's a lot of hard work and I'm not totally into all the time, but I think it's good for me to do something anyway. Regardless of whatever I do in life, it's pretty much going to be a privilege anyway that I get to make a living.

To have a living and be able to make a decent earning on something, I guess that's what it's about then.

Where I've Been Messing Up

I guess it's not really a bad thing, but I was just looking up on comments with YouTube just to entertain myself and to watch some dramatized history. I guess I'm letting my eyes get glued onto stuff like that and I shouldn't really have to.

I think it's just the mind wants to be lazy and I don't think I need to let myself get self-absorbed into that. It's time for me to just move on again and keep myself from being stopped cold on the tracks.

Readjusting and Getting Fit

Okay I think this is what I need. I need to go back into working out and getting in shape again. I need to get that motivation and discipline started up so that I can make it happen. I'm messing up by not doing it. It's taking a lot of my time indeed but I think it's worth it.

Getting Back Into Scheme of Things

Okay so I was playing all of these computer games and now I feel pretty sheepish about doing them. I feel very accomplished indeed but I think I can be a little more productive in them now, so that's what I'll be trying to go for then.

Catching Up

Okay it's time for to catch up again. I have been just practically honest and doing my own thing. I'm not really trying to attract attention or anything, but I guess it's just what it is. I'm going to try to finish this up again because I haven't been blogging on this thing for awhile this month.

Discipline

What I can liken to discipline a lot with right now is that it could be in the same way as making love the right way! Special attention and care needs to be given and a lot of hard work comes from the preparation to go after the ultimate experience. It requires constant love and just to maintain the pleasure there needs to be good feedback. With love making, communication has definitely got to be key.

Realizing what I'm capable of from practicing with porn is really bad for me. I'm still not desensitized to it where it won't have any effect on me, but I don't count on going there. I've been using it for my own gain of trying to learn how to properly give pleasure to the partner. It's really boring from looking at this angle. I just can't see it as a form of entertainment really when it totally goes against my personal morals. I'm never going to go after fornicating, maybe in my head, but never physically in person. I just can't do it and it's been ingrained in me that I won't do it and still won't be willing, if I were to even be raped by the best lover in the world. Well, if she was my wife, things change in an instant of course.

Coming To Terms With It

Last night, I figured out that I don't need porn to help myself do some edging. If you don't know what that is, I'm not really going into detail. Yet, I was working on the sensitive part and could last only about three minutes with a strong grip. Okay, this is really bad for me to continue doing. I just feel guilty about doing all of this stuff.

I think I'm ready to let it go. One of my insecurities was keeping me from moving on and pushing forward to more healthier and lengthier things. Sometimes the ego wants to be impatient and lazy. It just will give up. Like my good friend here, he tries to give effort and then just believes that his I.Q. level isn't good enough. With all of that confusion, he also adds on some paranoia. He'll say it was the cause of co-workers, but I think he brought that upon himself. It's hard to say because he probably doesn't fully understand it to an extent that he can get a grip of it yet.

I was ailing for a long time over that stupid church girl putting a restraining order on me. It wasn't domestic abuse or anything. She just did it under the pretense of kicking me out of her church. It wasn't done out of love. A loving person wouldn't act that way. She totally sinned from being overly protective with her self-interests which is promoting her ideas of how to behave. It had no love in it because she was too mad to realize that she was going overboard. She was blinded by it, but now I can state how embarrassing it would be for her with me bringing it up. I can direct those types of personal attacks now with her to make her shut up!

Yeah, I'm able to put her and those stupid church people who were involved in a totally hopeless case with me in their place. I made a promise with God first that I would become a millionaire with a six pack before I went to do anything foolish with them. It's pretty much a spiritual battle for me here with the flesh and growing spirit inside of me. I've been very selfish lately from being self-absorbed about my own dealings. Yet, when I tune in to God's Word it feels very miraculous and such a relief for me. I do want to live purely in that manner and it's a struggle for me daily.  

Getting Away From Habits

Last night, I came back from snowboarding and for about an hour I felt like I was in a vulnerable situation. I felt like I had nothing to do and just felt bored and lazy. It's a feeling that makes you feel shut off. I don't like that feeling. I don't feel that way right now though. I guess it's because I was just tired and not in the mood for anything. I don't really feel that way right now!

Yet, I was like hmm I'm in the mood for having sex. Yet, I have no wife. Okay, let's google for some pornography to practice off of. I was gripping pretty hard and lasted like 11 minutes and fast forwarded lots of boring parts. After that I felt bad, like I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I'm like this on occasion. It can be a chain where I do it for consecutive days and then just blow off on it for months and than get back onto it again.

There's something seriously motivating me, and I think it's that I really long to have crazy good sex in a marriage with a beautiful Christian lady. Does she even exist? I would like to do this regularly as crazy as it seems, but I think just once in awhile would be something I could behave for as well.

Might as well just learn to control the urges for myself now so that I don't get really messed up by looking at porn in marriage. That's just pure disgusting for the soul and not right thing to do. If I learn to control it now with no wife, then I could seriously mess myself up with a tempting girlfriend who wouldn't be right for me anyway. I don't want to find myself in this trap.

I'm going to go after stopping it and I think it might be my calling to do so from the Holy Spirit. It could be to ask forgiveness and repent and go for living with a clean spirit and to live in purity.

Embarrassing Act

I'm basically scared about blowing my load early. I'm still on my way to becoming a 40 year old virgin. I don't really care that I haven't engaged in it, but studying about sex all these years now, I think I know what to do.

The intimacy that girls long for and the physical act that makes you feel from seeing an attractive lover for the guy. It's a bunch of added confusion in the mix too if they aren't married. It sucks to break up after a long sexual history like that.

In a way, it's better to go for tying the knot first. I believe this from a human point of view and with the right mindset and heart, it also will align with the Bible. The Bible speaks of something that's so pure and good and well-intended. It's the light that's supposed to expose the darkness and deceit and bad stuff. It gives guidance.

I am so pro-Bible and looking into it. It's complicated from not being put in today's terms, but yet, from scholars who take the time to research on it and spread the word for us who are not called into that field, it's a blessing to be able to find that material and then apply it to our own spiritual lives.

Aww Man

I've been out of this for almost two weeks now. Looks like I'm playing a little quick catch up. Okay I'm looking to try to get back onto the spiritual route again with Jesus. Jesus isn't baloney to me and I guess my weakness to me is that I'm very much a human being.

I just don't believe in doing some things blatantly out of nothing. I totally believe in not fornicating, but I'm tempted all the time basically. That's what pornographic material does to people.

What I have to admit that I've been doing is that I've been to trying to excuse my sin of indulging myself in that material by arguing to myself that a little won't hurt me. I'm pretty much very much into the idea of sharing a great physical love life and high activity that includes athleticism maybe with just the heterosexual spouse. I'm really iffy about homosexuality too because it's not really blessed by God and kind of something that mankind does to please themselves.

Love comes in all forms right? It shouldn't matter who we choose to love and all of that right? Is homosexuality really a love or is it just indulging in lustful behavior like heterosexuality for people who go with multiple partners?

These questions really can challenge people who never really think about it. It's just laziness if you tell me, but if you present the information right for both sides, it doesn't matter after both let out their steam. This is human nature that I've been coming to recognize as a person myself whose made a few people mad about disagreeing with homosexuality.

Haven't Posted For Awhile

Obviously I ended up just binge posting last month and just going off on an honest rant about myself. How I find pornography to be not the greatest thing on this planet while being alive. What I did end up doing though is that I watched some YouTube videos about what porn stars are into and I'm not really going into those details.

I noticed that from me just being very open about my life and including my talks about finding a possibly long distance girlfriend, it really generated some traffic on to this blog site. This gets me thinking now that if I'm overly and brutally honest about stuff I'm supposed to keep secret, then there goes my life!

If I end up talking about sex at an honest viewpoint, yeah it's going to be even more interesting. It's coming to my own shame that I'm voluntarily exposing. Good thing that I didn't put my name on here. I have some other people's names on here that I mentioned. How I didn't get in trouble for it, it's a wonder because I have trouble putting it together. This would have meant if they came after me, I would have had something bad happen to me, but the thing is though, I would have gone biting back and maybe that's not really worth it to them to stay vested in their personal interests and self-worth regarding me.