Last night, I came back from snowboarding and for about an hour I felt like I was in a vulnerable situation. I felt like I had nothing to do and just felt bored and lazy. It's a feeling that makes you feel shut off. I don't like that feeling. I don't feel that way right now though. I guess it's because I was just tired and not in the mood for anything. I don't really feel that way right now!
Yet, I was like hmm I'm in the mood for having sex. Yet, I have no wife. Okay, let's google for some pornography to practice off of. I was gripping pretty hard and lasted like 11 minutes and fast forwarded lots of boring parts. After that I felt bad, like I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I'm like this on occasion. It can be a chain where I do it for consecutive days and then just blow off on it for months and than get back onto it again.
There's something seriously motivating me, and I think it's that I really long to have crazy good sex in a marriage with a beautiful Christian lady. Does she even exist? I would like to do this regularly as crazy as it seems, but I think just once in awhile would be something I could behave for as well.
Might as well just learn to control the urges for myself now so that I don't get really messed up by looking at porn in marriage. That's just pure disgusting for the soul and not right thing to do. If I learn to control it now with no wife, then I could seriously mess myself up with a tempting girlfriend who wouldn't be right for me anyway. I don't want to find myself in this trap.
I'm going to go after stopping it and I think it might be my calling to do so from the Holy Spirit. It could be to ask forgiveness and repent and go for living with a clean spirit and to live in purity.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
