Happy New Years Eve

Reflecting on what I have going, I really have quite a lot of time to figure things out and to go after things that interest me. It's quite dumb to spend too much time on entertainment, right after work. I'm sure this is probably what a lot of people do because they enjoy being lazy after stressing out and don't want to worry about it after work. If this wasn't the case, then the entertainment industry wouldn't be so rich!

When I observed people having fun, it's like they are laughing at some moving images on a portable screen or TV and I just didn't follow with what they are feeling. It's like I wanted to study their reactions more than what they were watching. It used to be like this while I was an introvert, so it probably does seem nerdy. Now, I don't really care to invest so much time on others and I'm just opened up to go out and have fun while hoping to meet my mate someday. 

It's easier to overlook things and miss out on opportunities now. When I was more introverted, things slowed down for me but I was feeling more tortured and senseless with finding my direction. I really do feel a lot more happier these days and maybe it's because I'm choosing to be more ignorant to things I can't control and while working on and getting to know myself. 

Working From Yesterday

I ended up going on my computer with the intention of trading for a little bit before going to the gym. I didn't do this because I let myself get carried away with watching YouTube videos to see if they would make me laugh and reading comments from users. Actually, I was just randomly fascinated with watching top-notch, drum line duels. I was part of a field marching band in high school for a couple years and was so out of shape and the band director forced me to switch over to a bigger brass instrument and I wasn't having that after two years. I was such a sissy and also mad about my pride of not playing original instrument. I think I was more interested in getting better with it rather than caring about the whole band. I was so mad underneath that I quit upon the band director's insistence to keep on playing it!

I think I'm just a little slow on picking up on things because I have to rely on my intelligence and not that lucky with finding favor from others. The only reason I had this favor is because I worked really hard on myself and performed so well with my grades in the beginning. I then became really childish and kept on playing video games which was silly but so fun! I'm not really taking up gaming as much of my hobby anymore even though I still have cravings for it sometimes. I just don't go there anymore. 

Physically, I'm short and normal guys are expected to be a little bit taller so that's already going to have some naysayers, but these people might not really have much going for them and how what they say or do might literally have no impact on what I do with my personal life. In the end though, I think it's only really me working on myself and going through some trials. These trials really might feel like I'm dating the worst sides of myself. I have so many things I can share from messaging this one nice lady who is married to an idiot that tried to give me a hard time, but I don't really need to still give into it like he has been doing. In a way, I can conjecture that I'm way better than all the brats who are out there in this world.  

Change Of Plans

It looks like with Poker, I couldn't really turn it around into my winning ways. I just keep on getting bad beats which just means that I was a slight favorite to win the hand before going all-in and then only to get burned at the end. It was like this most of the time, and I just keep on losing my buy-in. I think it's a little too tough to rely on this for stable income, so time to go to Plan B. 

I'm going to stick to grinding it out with making myself into a developer and just research on something that might be fun or useful and try selling it on the app marketplace. I think I can make a living off of doing this and going around to network with others and hopefully come up with a nice team to develop with. 

It's basically just going to be a lot of grinding and hard work while feeling empty inside and restless, but at the end of the day it's really what I should be doing. I can go relax by having fun with meeting people. I guess I haven't let myself be open to finding a girlfriend, but I know specifically what I want with finding a girl to date, so I'm going to need to be well off with my income and also become more athletic than I am right now. I'm just going to need to keep on building myself for the time being and going after managing it. I might have found somebody now to be with, given that she hasn't lost interest in me and isn't too busy. 

I think gambling is always going to be a little part of me now, so I might as well go for playing in a field where I have the most talent and room to grow while enjoying it. I think if I truly enjoyed Poker than I wouldn't have given up by now, but I feel that I have something better to replace it and it's swing trading for me. By getting my mind off of Poker now and whenever I can help it, personal entertainment, I should be dealing with the relative feeling of uneasiness right now. It's just something I know I want to do now and it's also really fun to me, so I think I can handle the pressure now. 

Letting Things Go

I'm pretty much more chill now with people doing stuff that makes me feel offended. I'm not mad about mostly a guy once in a while deleting me as a friend on Facebook. He must not want to be on the same page with me! 

Also with that old care group, wow, just wow! Wherever they are at the moment, I just know now that I'm really confident and not shy to bring it up to talk about it. If they don't want to then it's because they are really mad about it while having mental problems with setting the table straight. This is pretty much a legal way of imposing it on them and letting them know in a nice manner that you are just using legally, expressive words and they are thinking crazy mostly because they can't control their emotions and you just don't care about how it doesn't faze you while letting them know that you hope they improve themselves.

I had the game plan correct but where I totally suffered was that my mind blanked out and I became shy so I couldn't tell them what I was looking to get out of it with them. They really suffered with some anger management problems because of me doing that to them. I'm now fully aware of it and have grown to be a better person, so it's cool for me actually. 

What I basically learned all this time now is the important skill of legally imposing on angry strangers who just don't want to have anything to do with you in a skillful and slick manner. I was only provoked to do this to them because they were being a bunch of idiots in my mind who actually cared about doing their own business with me but I never told them this directly and was too shy to explain it to them. Not anymore of course and I can suck in enough bravery or deal with feelings of hardships which comes from being a little too annoyed and managing to still be nice about it. I actually like being this way and saying a bunch of smart comebacks, so I can laugh about it later and the same person will want to watch what they are saying with me more often. 

Maybe, they will talk behind my back like a loser but it's not like I'm afraid to confront them head on for anything and to even stay cordial about it while communicating. They might still be at least a little moody and out of it though and will basically show it by raising their voice and me not needing to because I'm in control and ready to speak clearly and confidently and legally too! It's a triple combination that can't be beaten when you are imposing things on a stranger for anything that provokes you. 

Being Liked By A Crazy And Sweet Girl

There is a girl who is bi-sexual and really likes me in that she isn't afraid to hit on me. She sort of has this mentality with her other friendships too, so she has been jealous of her other friends she likes and me also when she isn't getting things her way. She really struggles with this while trying to maintain being a nice person. She can be classified as being legally insane because she has schizophrenia. She can be totally a handful to deal with from having some self-control issues and also being a lazy person.

She can be pretty moody at times too and just be a nasty person because she's just had enough of it with what her voices are telling her. I don't know how because it's just weird with how she used to be really hot too, but not any more right now. If she worked out more and started eating more healthier and also was able to maintain her schizophrenia while doing things normally, then yeah she would be some hot stuff who is actually sexually attracted to me! Other than that, she's just a lazy person right now who is also out of it.   

What I'm Really Thinking

All I can really think about right now is how I could just stay awake by drinking tea or coffee and to keep on trying to minimize on letting myself get carried away with the small things and to just grind away with working on myself, since I'm single and looking to make myself into the ideal guy for the lady of my future! It's true that I have an asexual partner or something like that but it's definitely nothing about ever enjoying sex and I'm not forcing anyone because that's just too much work and if she doesn't like it, I'm going to hate myself too so I'm never going there. 

I think if I can find myself a hot girl someday who is single and sexually attracted to me and also a really nice person, then yeah, I think I've found my dream girl to be with. This is what I'm really hoping for and I'm also trying to do something about it, since sitting around crying or losing self-confidence is only for a bunch of sissies! 

My theory on these two guys who are friends and how I think one doesn't try hard enough and the other is just a flat-out, dumb loser is that they both practice escapism. They will make a personal grievance about what they want in life, but then let themselves get sucked into something fun to pass off the time. It's practicing escapism and once that session is over and their dark reality hits, it makes them feel sad for not having at least a decent girl to date. I can't really say or do much to help them there. They are adults and they can fend for themselves, so there must be a reason to why they keep doing this same cycle I'm sensing out of them and refusing to break out of it, even if they can't be really obsessed about it like I used to be.

It's probably more rooted in their personality and how they prefer to live their life. Maybe working hard and stressing out isn't something they have in mind with doing, which they feel being in a relationship with a girl might bring. A friend who has a really cool girlfriend sort of has self-confidence issues and feels like he's struggling with her. She's a little different for sure, really sweet and not to mention, she loves me too. I felt a little irritated one time when I took her out for her birthday even though she was having a good time with me. I don't think it translates into me trying to pursue her in the future ever, even though she's like one of the coolest girls I know on this planet!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody! I'm writing this post also right after the last one today. I feel like I could make a little more improvements from yesterday. When I got home, I was looking to watch an exciting basketball game but nothing was on so then I ended up playing poker and trading at night. I guess I could go hit the gym as well, which I start needing to do even though I'm able to get my cardio in daily at work during my lunch hour and break time. I power walk for about two miles everyday, which has become a routine for me. 

A few coworkers also do it daily on their own too, but I think they understand how healthy it is. I think it might not be that fun for everyone else to get themselves moving to try to stay in shape. It's just a bunch of laziness and impatience to me!  

I'm now working at swing trading twice a day, which means once in the morning and the other in the evening. I'm getting better with my indicators in selecting slightly longer term trades without being stopped out and staying competitive with other traders. It's interesting and fun. I just see myself trying to gain some passive income out of it. 

On top of that, I just need to suck it up and keep on going after being part of the software business. This is what I really want to do, even though it's a struggle for me right now. It's still better than watching TV to pass the time and while feeling empty about it. I'm really sure of myself that I am intended to be a developer, since I've been programming and always felt good about accomplishing something that works perfectly. This time I'm also into the software engineering aspects, so I care all about the efficiency in performance and saving space on computer hardware whenever it can be implemented. 

Happy Christmas Eve

I'm already ahead by a week with writing on this blog. It's been useful to compose these posts on Gmail and schedule them for free, so I'm saving a lot of money while hopefully looking like a genius from scheduling a post at the same time everyday much like a routine. This will be posted on the 24th, and it's all about just having fun for me. I'm pretty open to sharing about my life, and it looks like I've quieted my dissenters. Those revilers are going to have to go look somewhere else now, because I'm about doing some serious business of living a fun, righteous life that anyone can relate to. I honestly think they just went crazy because their thinking was out of it and they became really mad and couldn't control it that well. It would be much to their embarrassment, but it really doesn't matter to me. I'm just happy to not be that shy anymore and willing to work with anyone, no matter what mood they are in.

I did end up making a nice run overnight with my demo account in swing trading. I think I have a reliable system coming around, but it's just still going to need some more tweaking. I just hope it keeps on working once my three months of profiting are up, and I start going into business with actual money. It's going to be of great help to me with making a comfortable living, if I can eventually beat the pack and that's what I'm striving towards. 

Time Management Considerations

This just crossed my mind in that I think I just need to keep on going after what's best for myself. I could trade in watching anime which I had a lot of fun completing last night which is called One Punch Man. I also ended up watching my favorite NBA team, Lakers, because they are starting to win again and trying to make history which is cool. 

I guess being entertained like that to fill in some gap in my life was nice, but I think I can still do better for myself. In a way, I just need to maintain personal confidence and just keep on grinding by doing these acts and just submitting to how I will have to wait for gaining fun on another day. 

Making Money On The Side Update

I think a large portion of my side business is really coming down to legalized gambling. I'm just looking at honing my strategies and trying to be consistent at it. Because of trading currency and playing Poker for profit being sort of a gamble, I guess it makes sense to have these swings of losing and winning. It's about finding a comfortable strategy and getting in the highs long as possible and minimizing the lows. This is where the skills can come into play, even though luck has a huge factor in it. 

Besides competing for anything in life, it sometimes has a lot to do with getting lucky. It's true that having so many physical attributes that put you in favor with getting what you want will help you get over the edge in life, but I think it's just from working hard and being smart as possible about it while eventually being lucky that will help out with getting anything that's hard to obtain. The mind also needs to be able to maintain personal confidence. I'm still going at it and refusing to give up because it just fits what I'm looking for. I can look to make some passive income legally and not really be in anybody's way because making it on your own is really just a game of competing against one another to get to the top. It just means I have learned to settle and understand with some satisfaction what I'm trying to work hard for naturally without too many distractions. 

In the meantime though, I'm still looking to find a single, hot, and nice girl with a lot of sexual prowess and who is attracted to me in that manner. It doesn't matter to me any more who this person is as long as she's universally legal to marry and hasn't done any gender change surgeries either! Also, I just need to feel something below there and date to find out things about her and assess how nice she is and if I can tolerate any of her weaknesses before wanting to make her my wife. 

This sounds so ideal and dainty but it's not easy. First of all, I'm just in the middle of the pack with below average looks. Well, I have a nice physical body but I'm short and southeast Asian who lives in a highly competitive society with a family who wants me to just marry anyone even if she's not the basic, ideal type. I guess they are thinking we can work things out, but it's annoying to think like that to me and I prefer to find some chemistry with someone who is willing to work things out for balance. My family never really taught me any useful coping mechanisms, much to my annoyance. I have had to learn all of this on my own. The way my parents interact with each other while being hot-headed sometimes is not the ideal life I want with my own partner. I'm pretty much a pretty smart brute while having turned out to be sort of a runt. 

I need to build up a lot of my personal confidence still from making it on my own. I already know that I'm a pretty generous person if I have the money and also love being easy-going while doing a lot of comebacks against mean and selfish people. 

Things To Fix Up

From yesterday, I went to go visit some really cool Christmas lights that are set up around a rich neighborhood. It was fun to go check it out with a group. When I came back, I ended up not focusing on what to cook because it felt too late to me but I could have tried looking at some recipes and what to order and taken care of trying to prevent my hair loss, keeping my face clean, and doing a growing taller ritual before I went after splurging on watching some fun anime shows. 

Those are the only personal things I really left myself out of for yesterday. I'm also looking to swing trade twice a day now, once in the morning and the other in the evening. After years of testing my strategy, it's starting to have some results that I can analyze with my understanding and continually make some improvements on. It's really getting there, and I'm never going to give up at it so looking forward to how excited I will be on the day my complicated strategies really start bringing in some profit.

I also would like to remind myself to bring a coffee mug to work now since drinking out of the plastic cups isn't really that convenient- it runs out pretty fast. I'm doing good actually and from trying to scrutinize my daily chapter of the Bible today, it looks like I'm going to have to continue to watch out with becoming a reviler. Well, analyzing the things I wrote to people who became mad at me afterwards, if it was really that bad I would have been reported for a serious and illegal offense because I've done it enough times already with different and unrelated people. It's not that I was trying to insult them but rather working on getting out of my shyness as a people pleaser and trying to tell them nicely and backed up with facts on where I think something is going really mentally wrong for them. It was really messy to write about and try to deliver to them and they ended up flipping their handle even more. The way to stay legally safe when you are going to write an angry message to anyone is to refrain from using profanity and go for being 100% honest; if it makes you laugh from recalling those crazy situations now then it's the best and keeps it so entertaining!

Anaylizing How I Spend My Time

I'm starting to understand now that I just have to put in a little more effort to get more of my challenging tasks done. No longer do I feel really so ashamed and like I can't forgive myself if I don't do them. I guess that's why they call it work with what I'm trying to do on the side after my day time job.

I just need to put in some effort now to build myself a new routine so I can add in going to the gym, cooking, programming, planning, and grooming myself. It's just a matter of remembering and just doing it regardless of how worn out I feel. I guess it might be because I want to be a little lazy, but I shouldn't be that way. It's not that it's super boring to me, and I also don't need to go into any rehab either. 

Well, the exception is just a few people were angry with me from having mental problems and being selfish about not wanting to work with me on something unimportant and not time consuming too which I thought was odd. They are just having trouble managing their emotions, so I'm not shy about calling them out on it personally if they can't be calm because in a way, it is pretty funny. It's like I can be their big brother on reminding them how things should be done to keep things more subtle and nicer. I don't really have any issues anymore with having to deal with this stuff. I'll get around to scraping up the leftovers when I have time someday like when I have enough to at least semi-retire.  

Additional Things To Do

Well, the good thing about my confidence with talking and sorting out problems with stupid people who had beef with me now is that I'm not shy anymore. I even tried to be a people pleaser with these guys, and I just couldn't live up to their expectations! Man, they were so mad and didn't want to talk about it and had mental problems which kept them from setting the table straight. Also, their wisdom is nothing compared to what the true living God would have to offer. It's not a bad thing then that I rejected their living standards in favor of something I see more fitting for myself. I actually have a great counter now to their dumb actions that used to tick me off whenever I reflected on it.

I want to also go Christmas shopping for some friends and family. I need to start looking and put in some effort for this also. It probably won't be too hard thanks to Amazon, so the sooner I could the better. 

Reflecting On Yesterday

I basically did normal things right after getting out of an easy day of work. It was pretty much cruising through traffic after filling up on gas and getting home after it became dark. I then ended up sitting on the couch snacking and watching NBA basketball games. After that, I ended up watching the anime One Punch Man! It went like this until I became sleepy around 10 pm and then I'm back here at work again.

What I was meaning to do was going to work out at the gym, but what made it tricky for me was I had dinner because my mom made food and I just can't refuse it ever for some reason. I thought I would wait for about half an hour after eating and then it ended up getting carried away the rest of the night until I fell asleep. This is not what I really had in mind with doing yesterday. 

Maybe after I eat, I could play some fast action, online Poker while sipping on my tea or coffee and usually not later than an hour, I'm done with that. I guess I could do that and then cool off at the gym from losing or pump some iron while feeling good about cleaning out opponents. I'll try this out next time I have time to kill at home.

I guess the main thing is that I had time to kill, and it was not my preferred choice to spend my personal time wisely on. I did feel like looking at hot girls again, but then I was able to remind myself that I want to instead put in some work to hopefully land a hot and nice, single lady who wants to have a lot of sex with me! Well, that made it easy then to think I would feel like a loser just sitting there trying to get off on hot ladies doing porn who are not my ideal choices and also are not giving me any attention right there.

I don't think it matters if I marry a sweet lady who loves sex with her husband and is hot and she ends up losing some of her looks over the years. I think I can still enjoy having lots of sex with her after; I'm not going to be that picky if her personality is sweet and she was once so hot to me. 

Doing Business

It looks like I'm really lucky to have a job at this family-operated company. With this financial backing, I could have found a different outlet of trying to make money like being in the military or driving around a truck, but it's better and the boss is sometimes a jerk and likes to threaten me about this job. I just tell him whatever, do it if he must, I'll find a way on my own still. I think he's okay with me overall because of my talent to solve little problems for him that arise with the PC. It's honestly not that hard and you could even research it, but I don't really need to look at all that sometimes and just play around with it. 

It's interesting in how it just comes easy and more clear for me when I'm at a computer with how it operates. It would make somewhat sense because I grew up troubleshooting my own PC starting from middle school and developing some patience with it. I also took an interest in programming even though it was complicated for me at like age 12. Well, the feeling of how hard it is never really left me, I'm just able to have a positive attitude about it now and stick to it. 

With being at this business, it's okay but not really my passion. I want to be my own boss now and enjoy the dream life while finding a hot lady who is single with no baggage and nice and into sex while being physically attracted to me agreeing to marry me and then having sex regularly. Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun to do while being rich. I have two things I'm working on now even though they are difficult but with it being all about managing my own personal time and based on skills and preferences, I really like what I have going for myself now.

I don't just have one to stick with but two and maybe even a third one being more of a hobby. I'm routinely learning how to trade currency while leaving it overnight which is pretty hard to do because of it's highly flamboyant and risky nature. It's still interesting to me though and I feel like I'm getting closer to tapping in on it without having to micromanage everything. Secondly, I'm going into app development because I'm just meant for it and will probably end up developing other people's cool ideas or just researching for my own nice idea that could turn into a hit which would be nice. My last one is playing Poker and I'm not taking it seriously but I think I'm onto something. I just won't be holding out on it even if I'm in desperation mode. If I really needed a job to do something to make end's meet while continuing my endeavors to be a swing trader and developer, then I know where to look for it now. 

Working On Priorities

It looks like I'm very capable of getting most of my priorities out of the way at work. The only thing I really need to add regularly now is to start cooking and heading over to the gym. It probably makes sense that I won't have the time to do those things sometimes, if I decide to commit to other plans during the week. I think I can accept it now. 

I don't think there's anything to feel bad about, so might as well just try really hard. I might have a decent idea what to get for Christmas with my asexual partner. Yeah, it's about time I started shopping for some presents by now. I've been too consumed with having fun in my own personal life that I should give back a little to at least those around me who care. It is pretty stressful to go shopping for one though and will drain some money, while requiring time to wrap some presents so will take a little personal sacrifice. I think it's better to start earlier now since I have like two weeks and it crossed my mind. 

I think I'm going to choose some fun people and my family to give a present too. At my asexual partner's house, she hasn't put up any traditional Christmas tree. I guess I can try putting some Christmas lights up too for fun at my parent's home. It looks like I'm a little grittier this year so thinking about the amount of time and physical effort which would go into doing all of this doesn't really phase me. 

Organizing Time Better

In a sense, I think all I really have to do is lay off of TV shows when I'm home and just go to my room to look at my cookbook and then try to buy the ingredients everyday off of Amazon or the new website that's being advertised now. I would also like to go hit the local gym too whenever I can get the chance to do whatever at my own convenience. I don't think it really matters how bad I am at it. It's just a matter of getting it done for me. 

I basically have a routine of tasks for myself that I like to live by and it's not fully completed yet, while I just get a little lazy and then try to entertain myself with something cheap to pass the time. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, but it would be better if I felt like a free man that day before engaging in it, so I should be getting used to drinking up a lot of caffeine to stay up long enough to work on everything I have in mind and then have a little fun before going to bed. I should be seriously creating this discipline for myself now.

Focusing Better

I think I can seriously optimize my time if I end up doing more productive things besides just trying to have fun. I think I really need to bump it up a notch more before settling for fun or just accept that I won't be getting any of that in if I'm too busy. 

I'm going to talk about my past in dealing with some people. I'm not really that close anyway to some nice people who influenced me well. I guess with all of our personal lives being busy, we can't really put our time and effort to be with everyone. I consider myself to be a pretty nice person, but I also cause anxiety in some folks and not even liked by everyone too. 

It was really hard to get over this, so I kept to myself and was shy because I just wanted approval and recognition from people and just be a go-lucky happy guy. This is how I still portray myself to the chagrin of some dudes who usually end up unfriending me on Facebook. I seem to keep around the straight ladies who are taken though, unless their significant other ends up hating me too for some reason. 

I was really mad and sensitive about not getting any feedback because they just didn't want to talk about it from being really mad also and not being able to set the table straight because they are dealing with some mental problems. Fortunately, I'm not shy anymore and while I was working on being able to open myself up, it unfortunately caused a lot of drama for those people who ended up hating me! I'm laughing so badly about it.

Well, I'm not trying to force anyone to do something so looking at it, it's because I just feel offended by what I'm sensing and thinking they are moronic at the same time, but from trying to be nice, I'm not trying to say this to them. I ended up texting a friend and calling him an average dumb joe and started writing observations and arguing with him about how he's dumb and in a way, it made me start laughing and cooling off. He just would take himself into the cooler to regroup and then it would just go like that for awhile. There was really no way for him to get himself out of it because I had a counter for everything he said. It was really easy for me because he is an average dumb joe to me after all!

Nice Blog Feature To Take Advantage Of

I'm pretty nitpicky about my grammar so I decided to let one word go which throws off the whole meaning of one sentence. It's a pretty cool inadvertent effect. This also gives me a little personal insight with how I have said and written things without being aware of it and then causing a few people to flip the handle and go off on me while losing their tempers. As annoying it was while trying to be a people pleaser, I just couldn't live up to their expectations. Recalling it is what it is, I'm still lucky to be where I'm at because of what they tried to physically do to me. It was silly because I did nothing and they still lost a court battle with me in the end. This is where I find myself to be really lucky while being able to laugh about it. 

Yeah, I can easily argue that I'm having a better time than they are and I'm in a better place now but the more important thing to me is to realize that I want to still be a gentleman about all of this stuff, no matter how much it annoys me underneath. It seriously comes and go now, and I've learned to be calm about it when people say stuff that irritates me. I try not to show my angry look on the exterior and keep all of it internalized. I could be thinking anything about how stupid it is and how this one person is missing a step because I think I have the best opinion about it, but I'm just saying "Yeah" and listening to them talk and letting it pass by. This feels like a relationship with a good girl who called me up early in the morning to speak her mind out to me. She's a simple minded person who loves her family more than all the guys she's dated; she's an asexual so it sucks that she calls me a big brother in her circle. Being like the only guy friend left in her close circle, she says it means a close bond and that's all it is to her, so it's not like I'm actually friend zoned I guess. 

I've only shared by text with her that we have an asexual open relationship while laughing about it, even though it's true to me and she was probably mad at me temporarily for messaging that to her. Yeah, she feels like an open partner to me just that she's off-limits for any romantic or sexual endeavors. I guess it's safe to say we have a better bond than what a typical brother and sister would form since we both carry different genes. It's not that bad, but I think it bothers both of our moms and a few close friends because they want us to be seriously dating someone to enjoy the privileges of having sex! I have dated someone I became attracted to already and she's still single and we have our future dates on hold since she's injured. We will have to see where that leads to since I'm definitely interested in her from having a lot of valuable personal reasons. 

A Couple Changes To Fix This Month

The past couple days I have been reverting to watching TV, some anime shows, playing Poker, and getting off to sexy girls doing porn. Yeah, it sounds like it could be a typical young man's life while being single and trying to ease up a little tension from feeling lazy. It's just that I'm not heavily satisfied with the watching TV part and looking at porn. 

It really felt empty honestly and I could do better. I felt this excitement with wanting to look at porn again and once that was over, the desire left me so I guess it really is just from craving sex more than wanting to constantly watch it to fill some gap in my life. I felt bored while looking at sexy ladies and was like to myself I want one to have sex with right now in person! Yet, I won't go out and hire a prostitute because I want to find a high quality girl for myself to marry and then do a whole lot of that because I will find her someday when she's hot, nice, and sexually attracted to me. If she gets ugly later, then oh well I'll ride the experience and keep using it just like how a cool car will have some wear and tear someday. It will still get the job done. If it's marriage we're talking about, then the thought of finding the ideal girlfriend goes out through the window. 

Having a good amount of lady friends and being nice to them is fun to me. I'm pretty loyal to my faith in Jesus so that means not going around trying to have an affair with someone else's girl. 

Thinking Normally and More Happy

For two days in a row, I have been experimenting with my sexual orientation of being straight and never having been with a girlfriend. My morals aren't loose enough to go find a prostitute. I don't believe in paying for it directly even though sometimes you have to take a girl out to a fancy dinner or pay for doing something fun or giving her a professional spa treatment or etc. Actually, I don't believe in fornication period. I want to do it while in marriage because I fear the Lord and the message that's preached in 1 Corinthians. I don't care what the argument is to do it while dating. It is in a way something really special to treasure with the right person you fall in love with and does mean more happiness, especially from having built up all that sexual tension and romance to finally consummate. It's just a beautiful and very enjoyable rite to look forward to in life! To have spent your virginity on some person who you don't spend the rest of your life with and having been the past, it's sort of cheap to be honest.

I have been enjoying getting off of looking at attractive females on pornographic videos, so even though I'm still single and a virgin, yeah, I know what's up! I don't literally masturbate either because of my vow to never do that again while not in marriage. I have another way of getting around it which I won't reveal. Okay, I'm definitely straight and not budging from it no matter what, even when I heard voices inside my head accusing me of being gay temporarily while going through puberty.

Actually, I have an asexual partner which is an open relationship so I don't really count it for anything with sexual activity except for doing platonic and highly fun things. Boy, it's a little annoying that she only wants to do her own thing sometimes and I have to follow along with it just because I come to terms with it and ease up and think what she's thinking might actually be fun in the end! I guess it really isn't cheating then even if I can say I'm not completely single and sort of committed to a special relationship with someone. It's not like I can't date others either because of our interesting asexual agreement.

Yeah, it might drive me nuts if I end up marrying this woman and she becomes my asexual wife! I guess I'm looking for a hot single lady who is sexually attracted to me, has a good sexual appetite, and happens to be a really nice person. I think that will be living with my dream girl, so I'm not really judging on race or specific body features she needs to have as long as I can feel something below there. A lady being really obese even if she's big everywhere else is just too much. Now, if this lady with the same big features is pretty thin, then now we're talking!

Overall, I'm going to have to work on being this ideal guy for her and continue to go around searching for this right lady to pop up in my life. I don't want her to be in the adult entertainment business either and not be a swinger, so those adult dating sites are probably not going to be my cup of tea. She's just going to need to show up someday and exchange proper chemistry with me. I'll be making myself ready for that day by continuing to work on myself with hard work and confidence. I'll be okay if she used to enjoy looking at porn, since I'm guilty of that. I intend to keep my eyes on this lovely lady's body most of the time instead of looking at porn when that day which feels like a little less than "Hallelujah" arrives!  

Left Out Priorities

It appears that for the most part, I'm lucky enough that at work I usually have enough downtime to get most of my daily priorities done. I'm just really missing out going to the gym and cooking or feeding myself nutrition. This is about what remains, along with trying to grow back my hair and get taller still and staying consistent with brushing my teeth and keeping up with good hygiene. I think being sleepy after watching TV and snacking on something plays a role with not focusing on it. I'm going to have to discipline myself in this area then.

I guess after taking care of those things then I'm pretty much a free man and will be satisfied to play and do something fun until I go to sleep. It's quite interesting that I'm already handling most of my major daily priorities at work. It is hard to switch back on to work mode when I'm home, but I actually just need to push myself a little longer to be completely satisfied with what I have going on. 

Focusing On Health And Profitting

I've ended up taking a hard turn with my team that I'm programming with. It feels like they aren't competent enough and how I'm doing most of the work while owning only 20% of the stake. I have already completed something that would bring value to the group with the main selling point. 

What I feel at this point is that I want to go off and do my own thing. I think it's fun working on a team, but I see that with all this potential I have with spending a lot of time and effort on it that I would like to actually own the product. Therefore, I'm going to look to brainstorm a cool idea for myself and see how far I can take it on my own.

I don't really have any problems with hiring some people to help me out like a talented interface designer or salesman to do some pitching for me. I just don't mind taking on most of the work from the ground and up, so I would like to call myself the majority owner of that product. If I'm able to get enough experience and gain so much confidence with my skills that I can create a profitable app with cool features in a short amount of time, then I might be able to develop other people's cool ideas and accept their offer of like only 30% ownership.  

Now I have another ways of trying to make some good money on my own besides holding a comfortable position at a family-operated company. I'm pretty lucky that I even have something like this and to have even been offered it. I'm lucky to have some time to figure out how to manage financial risk and make myself a lot more money compared to others. A few ladies I've sort of dated or hung out with have asked me to teach them how to trade currency to make a lot of money. It's pretty hard for me and I'm not that successful yet at it, so I will see someday because if it really works for me then I will able to be wealthy along with spending my time creating apps to sell for fun and gaining satisfaction from serving a local community.

This basically means that since I'm out of programming with this team now, I can commit myself very little to playing more Poker recreationally to gamble for fun and try to make some money. It really doesn't matter if I lose at this point, but I will keep on trying to hone my skills and winning by folding when others get lucky and tricking them to call a huge bet when I have the winning hand or even pulling off a nice bluff every once in awhile! 

Pretty Cool

This is really cool in that I have been consistent with getting my goal which is averaging 1 post a day per year on this personal blog. I think I'm really worthwhile as a person to get to know or be on friendly terms with, so that's what gets me thinking that people who don't act on those lines are being idiots! 

It's funny and annoying to me at the same time with how I'm only 5 feet 3.25 inches and these affected people are acting so massively scared about me when I send them some message that really talks about nothing in particular about their lives. They can read the message themselves and then find me laughing about it, so I guess they are mistaken and just thinking crazy from being moody. No wonder they are held back from reaching their full potential as I would like them too. After all, they are only human and can do so much because they don't desire it in their bones or something like that. 

Well, some people can be weird so I choose to be a gentleman about it, since I have what I've truly desired with myself all along. I have the ability and confidence to talk about it and sort it out now while still remaining calm enough to be at least a friend, even if I'm going to be a bad one to them who keeps making fun of them and not do any favors in person! I just don't know if they are capable but what annoys me underneath is the belief that they can and how stupid and lazy they are being with me!  

Getting It Done

With anything in general, it becomes about just getting it done! That's how it works, one just does it. It might be that a lot of people like to adopt the method of keeping it simple because if it was too hard then they would be too stupid to get it done.

I mean it really doesn't matter in the end does it? As long as I'm not committing any crimes, neither doing any drugs, nor in trouble with anything or anyone; I don't think it really matters with what I'm trying to do.  

Basically, it's just trying really hard to do it. It should be like this everyday for the most part. If it's feeling exhausting or jaded, then there's plenty of coffee drinking sessions to go along with it to feel energized again. I haven't had too much luck with ladies, but it's been fun while being this brainy guy who acts all dumb to be taken advantage of and then cuts the person off whose doing that.

It's pretty hard and to a point, it's nice to be lucky for once. I think for myself it just takes longer, so I need to prepare myself for the moment I do get lucky. This can be done by just doing it! 

Moving Forward

It was difficult at first to accept how a few people get moody sometimes and then don't want to be my friend on Facebook anymore! It was just random acquaintances I haven't talked to in awhile just deleting me as a friend. I think it's because I'm acting so ridiculous and off-putting to them. Well, I am constantly trying to laugh at the comments I make and only need a single bad one to send someone a curveball that beams them hard in the noggin to the point they no longer want to be Facebook friends anymore! The interesting thing is also that I have been sending people messages who aren't my Facebook friends occasionally and they still write back.

I guess there's some form of maturity I've had to develop while dealing with all this sensitivity to people's absurdity on Facebook. Yet, it's fun to develop it while laughing silently to myself and showing nothing on my face. Basically, I'm laughing while letting my own spirit have a really good time. No one can really tell since I have to cover up my tracks at work, or else I'll be looked down upon and never get my work done. 

Really Liking This

I now feel like I can write anything I want at any time I feel like it without feeling guilty for how much I'm engaging myself in with deep personal thought. This is quite fun and relaxing now, even though it started out really disturbing personally. I was dealing with some anger issues with some people of my past. I wanted to just keep on sending them personal messages that criticized their behavior while making fun of them so bad that I wouldn't be able to keep myself from laughing for hours everyday!

I'm not the one to shy away from confrontation really even though I still tried to be a people pleaser. Boy, it was rough but it doesn't matter how much they screamed at me after I turned them into a bunch of rude scaredy-cats. I can stay a gentleman about it because I have now the ability and confidence to sort it out while just talking about it. Well, some people are dumb and get too carried away by coming across as arrogant sometimes. It's really off-putting too, but I'm willing to work with those types of people to keep a peaceful relationship. The key is to stay calm even though it's probably the hardest thing to learn in the beginning.

I'm actually carrying some decent relationships with ladies, so it's not like I don't know what I'm doing. It's pretty easy to relate to them; you just have to listen to what they are really saying. If a person is distracted by how beautiful they are or moronic they appear sometimes from feeling rejected, then that's really going nowhere. 

My Life In Detail

I have done what I think is the impossible and figured out everything with what my daily life is about. I have four main categories: 1) main tasks, 2) interests and hobbies in order of precedence, 3) long-term side things, and 4) my motivations.

It might be a little complex than I would like but I'm able to make it fit, so let's see if it does make any sense writing it out on here. 

Main Daily Tasks 

1) Study the Bible at least one chapter a day and practice the Bible.

2) Work

3) Trade currency for profit.

4) Exercise

5) Nutrition/Cooking

6) Focus on doing at least one module a day for learning.

7) Attempt to learn something for programming

8) Blog

9) Fantasy Football

Daily Hobbies / Interests (in order of precedence)

1) Date / Social life / Making plans

2) Answering questions on Quora.

3) Surfing the web.

4) Playing Poker.

5) Watching TV for personal entertainment.

6) Video games

7) Playing the piano.

Long-term side things

1) Grow more hair

2) Clean my face

3) Grow taller

Personal Motivation

1) Hard work

2) Personal Confidence

3) Drink anything to stay awake (e.g. energy drink, tea, or coffee) 

Confirmation

Composing a draft on G-mail and then sending it to the blog actually works! The subject field works as the title of your post. I ended up creating an extra space with the enter key, which I have a habit of doing and then going back to edit and remove them. I prefer it from just feeling neater. I'm also going to need to proofread before I send it because I don't want to feel dumb while seeing something isn't grammatically correct to me. 

I'm going to try this whole auto-scheduling arrangement now to try to simulate that I'm posting something onto the blogger everyday at a certain time and very efficiently. In a way, it's professional and also seems so impossible to do while possibly attracting a few more regulars on here if they like my content I'm putting.

I already have like one who lingers around and ends up reading my post almost instantaneously. I guess if he or she has stuck around this long, then probably doesn't mean anything bad by it, so I'm flattered. 

Setting Up Something Interesting

I'm currently writing this draft on G-mail and going to be sending it to see how it looks on the actual website. If this ends up looking good, then I'll be using this setup and be simulating that I am posting something everyday on my own. Technically, I could write loads of words just to express myself and embellish the subject of really talking about nothing important! It's probably a talent that a lot of us already possess.

The subject of yourself is probably a topic that each person is an expert in, unless he or she just isn't in a current state of mind. I'm pretty much sharing this portion while just writing on here because it's fun, and I find it to be soothing and helpful with understanding what's going on with my own issues and the measures I'm taking to improve upon my own situations.

Approaching Consistency

Well, this is pretty neat in that I'm approaching the end of the year and for the first time in all the twelve years I've had this blog running, I will be having a year where I posted the equivalent amount of days with respect to its month. What I mean is for example, I kept it like 31 for January and 28 for February and kept it going to now! It's really difficult to keep up like this because of so many other distractions that are out there in this world.

What would be an even crazier but cooler thing would be being able to personally update something here daily. That's just too hard for me to do because I'm not going to be at a computer everyday. I also don't have the features to auto-post something on a certain date unless I program it or find someone else who wrote it already and offering it for free. I might think of doing that so I can just keep on writing my ideas and just let the script post something for me once a day. Well to make this happen, I would also need a running server and I don't want to pay for it.

Oh I just figured it out. You can send a scheduled e-mail using g-mail to post onto this blog. There is a secret domain name and it's annoying if someone finds out and then posts their hacker friendly content on it. It's very disruptive and I've had it happened to me, so I know the feeling. If I was teenager then I would probably want to do it to someone else just to see what it's like being the hacker and doing something that's cool but I'm over that now and prefer to stay a gentleman.

Planning Things

It looks like I'm trying to keep myself busy and stay on track even though I'm feeling a little stressed out and tired. I think one way to combat all of this is to go work out to relieve some stress and then drink some coffee or tea after to help me stay up and concentrate. There's really some things going for me, and I'm happy that it's going there.

Basically, I just need to avoid playing too much poker right now and also not watch that much TV while enjoying some good munchies which is so easy to do right after coming home. I should really be focusing on other big things, like researching on a trip for next month and seeing how that figures. I'm really interested though so I guess I'm going to have to suck it up more and drink some coffee or tea basically to keep myself going. I'm going to be like a caffeine junkie or something.

I think it's just work, exercise, cooking, planning, and mainly maintaining my social relationships with my significant buddies and staying open to finding someone good for myself. I'm going to be dwelling more deep into studying software engineering once again so I guess if I'm falling asleep I should really be drinking like tea or coffee because I want to keep on working. I do also have a little thing going with having fun in playing the piano for a hobby. I really do miss having fellowship and some fun with other true believing Christians even though I have a mix of good friends who aren't that into figuring out what the Bible means to them.

Keeping Myself Busy

Let's see I have more outdoor activities to plan with my asexual partner. She wants to go see snow like the first day it arrives and very enthusiastic about it. I really don't care so much about it because I've been stuck in a blizzard with my family before and it wasn't that fun to me! It's cool that she wants to ask me out to go do these types of activities.

In a way, it's pretty nice to have her as a sort of substitute or another extended family member to have fun with to distract myself from waiting upon a girlfriend or spouse to develop so it's going to be a bummer when she has to take off by the end of next fall. I hope to stay in contact with her and probably will. I will have to see how busy she gets though, so maybe I should start reaching out to finding other meaningful friendships to hang out with and enjoy my time together. It's been pretty cool to do this with a girl at least and share something in common while keeping it platonic.

Hanging Out With Old Buddy

There's an old high school buddy and he is the closest organism to me known as the oldest friend I have kept in contact with all these years. Boy, he is still dumb about personal awareness and social issues! I text him that he is an average dumb joe often and he just takes it and keeps on being friends with me. He just works very hard at simple tasks to come up with something complicated that he finds satisfying but doesn't connect it very well to mainstream. In a way, he's still a kid who is programmed to keep imagining all the bad stuff that could happen around him while approaching middle age.

This kid who is the same age as me used to trigger me often when he talked and I would just go off on him while talking about how stupid his beliefs are which would always end up hurting his feelings. He still does the same, but he's a little wise about what he says around me because he treats me like company who can run off of him again which I have done countless times, only to still let myself be around him. I think I'll just keep it going with hanging out with him less often and leaving things on a good note; otherwise, he will just be too annoying for me to personally handle.

Starting With Self

It's really smart to have this power of self-reflection and to be able to reach very difficult goals that might feel out of reach. Yeah, that one guy has a mental disease for sure now so I don't know how this post will apply so very well for him. His brain activity must be pretty out of whack to make his mood go unstable and just lose it completely while not being able to keep a lid on it!

Yeah, it's a little eccentric to have been around people like that but from having started out like that, I am finding my way to doing more better with having good relationships with the ladies now! Life is too short and those crazy people are totally in the zone while not being influenceable after being approached by someone. Maybe they are better off to get lucky with finding the help they want and deserve whenever they are ready.

Releasing Anger Issues

It's probably because of the stress buildup, but sometimes I just want to yell at people for all sorts of reasons. I don't go about doing it because I'll probably be losing my job at work if I did. I also like to stay courteous with others even if I'm mad, so it's just personal preference to not give into it as I would want to. 

Looking back though, some people who really ticked me off actually said and did things that are actually laughable to recall a little. Since it's the past, I'm willing to look forward unless it becomes compelling for me to discuss about it because my blood is boiling at that point. I really needed to just talk about it and reveal what was going on inside my head to the people affected by me. It's interesting because from just being honest and letting it all out, it feels so much better and a lot more relaxing now. I had trouble doing this in the beginning from being a people pleaser and from getting constantly mad about others not being so considerate as I would have liked them to be.

When a friend told me that I was acting crazy towards a girl with stalking elements, I explained to him it was because I was mad at her not wanting to tell me what was going on with her and that it was frustrating me a whole lot. It was difficult to cope with it while letting it be a part of my daily thoughts to try to problem solve. Maybe I could have used some free therapy sessions from a good friend, but I didn't know where he or she was at the time. 

It really just comes down to self-realization and seeking the absolute truth about your own self. It's probably the easiest to start with yourself because there's no way of really telling what others are going through unless they want to open up about it. That lady didn't want to be with me because maybe she thought it was a waste of time or was even mad at me for not being considerate enough to her. Overall though, I think it was just dealing with others having personal insecurities they can't resolve very well with me, which I believe came from misjudgments. It made me so mad while thinking these people were a bunch of idiots throwing away a good friendship with me just because of that. Then again, they have sort of been relationships based on not being able to fulfill their conditions and how I have had some stress while feeling they can't fully accept me as a person yet.  

Getting Back To Managing Stress While Having Fun

I haven't in a long time studied for long periods of time like cramming for final exams. It's obviously very stressful and feels mandatory to deal with it while taking least amount of breaks as possible if you are struggling to get a good grade in the course and it's currently a little below than what you desire. On the other hand, if it's so fun and enjoyable then it would make it more worthwhile to get ahead of less concerned students and be in the running for a healthy competition among the best.

There are also fun activities that could sometimes be really stressful to deal with like doing a lot of preparation to try to seduce a nonchalant lover! Those moments can sometimes be a little tricky to manage personal time with because it might just feel more fun to let yourself get carried away and make time to watch addictive shows. It probably takes a good amount of self-reflection and self-awareness to reach those higher limits that might currently feel out of reach. A couple questions to ask yourself could be, is it already too overwhelming because it just might not be that cut out or interesting for you anymore? Are you just in it because you only need a certain dosage of it and want to instead enjoy yourself more?

Things To Work On

It's pretty hard to not let my mind wander and do fun stuff still with my time even though I have managed to miraculously get myself out of a video game addiction. It's more like procrastination to me, but I'm feeling that stress and how my mind just wants to play while reflecting on the day's events or how good my relationship is with my asexual partner. She thinks it's weird the way I mention that to her and thinks of me as the guy friend she cares about the most and an older brother.

Yeah, it's working out because I'm treating her like a partner and all supportive while knowing it's an open asexual relationship! I think that could very well be what a close friendship with the opposite gender is if there's a special bond like we share. I know she feels accepted and treasured by me from the way I have adjusted to her temperament. She's sick with a physical condition right now, so I feel it's sort of my rightful place to try help her out a lot.  

Working On My Self

I guess I'm just going to hang out with ladies I'm interested in like this one who hit me up today. I want to have some fun and it seems like it might be nice to ask her for a relationship if it ends up working out, and I can see us being attracted to one another. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep on building my confidence and working on myself to get to where I want to be.

I'm pretty much open to being in a relationship with a nice girl now, and I guess the one who hit me up said "Yes" after I asked her to hang out and looks pretty hot in photos too. I saw her in person once and she sat next to me at the restaurant we ate at and chatted a little. I didn't really remember much from just going through the motions but she seemed really cool. It might be interesting actually, so I'll see where that ends up leading too and she's also Asian.

Well, my parents want her specifically to be our Asian ethnicity, so I'm probably going to have to keep this under wraps for awhile and work hard for my money, so I can move out and not need them for any financial support. I'm working at the family company, so yeah I'm lucky to have work there while gaining more useful experience as a software developer. If they end up letting me go for some drastic reason because of me marrying her on a worst-case scenario, then yeah if I have some money from doing a side business then it's probably not going to hurt that badly. I would still be all smiles while being married to a hot lady.

Establishing Routine

I'm trying to get used to studying and focusing on other tasks besides just coming home to chill from feeling worn out. In a sense, I'm trying to build more tolerance for stress while staying a completely normal guy! Well, good luck to anyone who also tries to do what I'm attempting.

My idea of a fun routine really deals with being married to a sexy wife who wants to do it a lot! I'm not going to lie because it will be so fun and something I wouldn't mind to pass a lot of my free time. I guess it's a typical feeling for most guys. 

This being said, since I don't have it, I don't think porn is the answer for me neither is philandering nor buying favors from certain women. I prefer being life partners with a full woman and hope she always stays a nice one for me. I'm just going to have to keep on meeting hot women and assume they are taken so be gentlemen to them and maybe on a whim, I'll meet someone nice, smart, pretty hot, and available. It seems like averagely, good-looking women in the medical field who like to do long hikes on their free time are premiums for me to meet, since they possess some patience while not having had a lot of time to meet someone good for them and have enough physical endurance if they are into the idea of doing it. Actually, my asexual partner is going to be part of the medical field and she really loves to go hiking and has only me to go with so yeah, there's some meaningfulness with my assertion to us being compatible except with her preference of wanting to always sleep alone.

I'm practically looking at the big scope now and how I'm figuring out what I want to grind my time in for gaining riches. Trying to get rich off of playing online poker is going to have its fun and down days. I know from constantly feeling this cycle and it just doesn't feel like it brings that much impact to this world for me. It's definitely a lot of grinding at times to work at figuring out some tough opponents or trying to dodge other players getting lucky and trying to take all your money. 

Overall, I think the proper grinding option is for me to keep on picking up knowledge and experience while being a software developer. I successfully completed programming projects in college and had perfect scores on them while feeling on top of the world each time. I even did them at record pace like starting on the project in the evening before it was due the next day. I have this natural determination while just feeling that it's fun and could probably do it all day and everyday and even after passed my working hours. 

Poker is really sometimes fun when the money is rolling in from catching a good run. Other times, it's just a numb activity to focus on while pushing off other personal things or this is just how it feels for me. I think I'll never have enough time to dedicate myself to poker for becoming successful at it, so I'm going to have to limit myself to it much as possible right now so I can focus on my other endeavors that I want to do like preparing ingredients to put into my pressure cooking!

I think I have too many valuable objectives that I want to do with my time to really make playing poker a serious option for me now. I'm not chickening out from the professional competitiveness of the game, but it's just that I could probably fit in like three good tasks to surpass the value of playing poker right now. Out of analyzing my personal values with what I'm doing to my available time, I'm going to have to run with this decision now. 

Pretty Inspiring

I just went and read some works by other bloggers related to my major, and it's easy to tell who has his or her recent update. It's everybody else whose profile appears higher than mine. I'm trying to stay at the first spot just for fun and at a point, I had a little healthy competition with another unmentionable blogger. He or she is totally gone now because those posts were pretty obscene man!

I have had two days of good traffic and don't really know how long it's going to keep up. It's probably going to die down like usual, but receiving the traction was pretty nice. I have some old posts that might be naughty on my mind because I'm really making fun of some real people with their actual names. I'm also sticking closely to the truth and it's really my opinion judged against theirs so in a way, it's like payback because they acted like lunatics while never letting me have any say. I don't think I regret what I put there and even though I feel a little scared or want to panic if I felt I shouldn't have put something on there I shouldn't, it's not really that half as bad while maintaining my personal style that's pretty prevalent all these years of blogging on here.

From reading up on other bloggers, I'm pretty inspired by what they put. It's pretty intelligent with what they have going. I only looked through the top five or so on that link I put up for anyone. I know what it feels like to have no audience really and that maybe nobody cares for you. It's tough and as a man going through those emotions, it was rough at times but glad to have come to peaceful terms with it. Maybe, it's just a sign of growing up seriously!

Cool Day

I'm going to be detailing a little about what I'm feeling without trying to brag a whole lot because I think it's totally off-putting. It's really cool to see my view chart below the total pageviews make this funny surge to what looks like it's trying to break the ceiling! I don't know who is on my site because I don't record IP addresses and don't really care to know my readers' addresses, but yeah, it's still flattering to realize that I am recording a lot more views on here than my own!

Still, I'm not trying to exploit my audience and keeping this all free. I can make money doing other things like trying to build an app right now with a team I'm working with on the side. I'm also working at being a really good swing trader someday. I'm trying to fight my urges to do some grinding with online poker because that's going to take away time to do a lot of my other endeavors.

From the years I did actually try to make money, my total amount I have made from this site is less than $1 in ten years. Yes, it's very unappealing to blog and get users on Blogger.com with a domain that says blogspot.com! Everyone wants to think their own thoughts with some privacy and some are just more happier to share them than others. Hence, I'm calling myself the #1 blogger related to my college major because nobody really cares to update their site that regularly like I do out of like the remaining 1900 profiles.

I have put up a link at the top that sends you to other people's profiles. I'm a little turned off from currently seeing profiles from like Africa or India being among the top ten. I wouldn't mind reading some more posts from US citizens even though I won't comment on them most of the time. Because of my lack of audience participation, I shut my commenting privileges off. It was getting too bothersome continuously seeing doughnuts (Os) on my page.

I am actually aware of a business model regarding using blogger.com to make some passive income. It makes so much sense and will even feature original content. It's just that I'm not really interested in going that route from it being risky and not my ideal way to make money. I'll just stick to what I think would be best for me, even though it's really tough to stay in the game. I'm not going to reveal how to do the Blogger method of making money because it might seem pretty shady for some!

Putting Up Perseverance

I want to build up more of a work horse mentality while maintaining my personal confidence. On top of that, I want to keep on working out, start cooking, and looking to go out there and meet more people. I guess it's just all the natural things to do. I'm going to do my best to limit personal entertainment and find pleasure in the things I'm working on. I know it's going to be pretty hard to do, but I want to catch on to something that's going to be really rewarding. 

I think as long as you hang on to the personal confidence and keep on putting in the effort then you are good. Emotionally it hurts with the thought of losing my asexual partner but then again, I don't think I'm going to be marrying her right now so might as well just go explore and try to build more relationships. I mean she's moving away next year to start her awesome, medical career while making lots of money. She's probably going to try to pick up an actual life partner by the time she settles with all the space she's going to have to herself. I mean I think that's cool. She did invite me out to come live near her for some reason, so it's not like she's leaving me behind all of a sudden. I think we will continue to plan some more cool family trips together, so it's not going to be a huge worry for me. Hopefully, by then I'll feel rich and sexy enough to find an ideal date even though I'm barely putting in the effort to look around while trying to figure out my game. 

Gaining More Useful Knowledge

It looks like all my life, I'm just a one-hit wonder pretty much. I might have repeated a few negative things about me a couple times more than good, but they are the highlight of my life. I struggled in a way that was weird, and I think going through those hard transitions and roughing it all out psychologically is necessary to figure out one's own path to enlightenment. That being said, let's focus on what I think is going to make the most money based on what I have going. 

Looking at it, I don't think putting all eggs into one basket is going to be a very satisfying business model. It all depends on personal preference, but I like to have some variety. It's just that what I'm looking for is pretty tough, while not having a really good understanding of it yet. I do know two friends who are trying to start an e-business based on an idea that I'm not revealing out of good conscience. They are ladies, still young, and happily married too!

Regarding going into business, I have identified my weakness to being not having that much patience to win over customers and also from being a follower to the point of letting myself drown with the ship if it sinks. I'm easy to influence, but then a strong point about myself is that I highly reflect on what caused me misery or frustration to the point of not forgetting why when I move on from having been stupid. I was very stupid to try to stick around with that old church. I should have just told the ladies there I was attracted to that I feel uncomfortable about trying to pursue after them because that's the truth and then move on!

The point of the lesson is that there doesn't have to be a final destination point in life. It can be always subject to change even if it's rough, and I think it's necessary sometimes for the better. I'm still on the move with finding my future wife, and I just stumbled on this class with a life coach who has a Ph. D in psychology and is offering a cheap $25 seminar on how to attract high quality ladies around my vicinity, so I'm definitely attending! I want to attract the hottest lady with the sweetest personality even though I'm still a shorty! I mean I'm not going to stop at where I'm at, even though it would be enough for some charming, tall, and handsome guys. Go kid yourself, it really isn't enough and will cause stress on marriage life. 

I don't know how this one couple I'm feeling a little envious of sometimes does it with a quiet image and posts up beautiful family photos with like five kids while barely turning almost 40. That's pretty crazy and wild I guess while possibly sacrificing some personal selfish dreams just for the kids. I don't think they can afford dream wedding vacations that much either. Their kids might be suffering from something, but the husband when I knew him at the time was pretty chill. I think you are almost forced to be chill around me when I go off on someone enough times, but I never really fully engaged him like that. I still stressed him out plenty so maybe I had a role in that for him to be reminded of how you win some and lose some, so make the best of what you have going. The guy's wife is pretty understanding and she is able to put up with me still and was even able to communicate through all the craziness I was writing to her about. I think she truly loved me as a person when I was around, so it might play a role and she's not budging from that marriage so it's don't even think about it for me. I'm a little sad that I didn't try to make a pass at her but she was dating that guy she would go on to marry, but I would have problems with my parents then because she's not my parents' ethnicity. I never really thought about having mixed kids at the time and her kids are mixed and they are popping out so many of those beautiful kids with possible futures for them to wrestle thoughts over. It's interesting how my parents have lightened up with my sister marrying a nice and tall, white man!

You really can't win them all and complaining is only going to pass the time emotionally but not really solve anything. It's still what people do though before they try to get on with their lives. 

Analyzing Something About Myself

I don't want to go out and bluntly say that I will be analyzing my own sexuality with this post, but yeah, that's precisely what I'm going to attempt! I'm definitely not gay nor am I bi. I totally feel something below when I see physically attractive ladies. Sometimes, I get worried when I don't feel enough of it when I see a hot girl, so yeah, and other times, I just let myself get distracted from feeling that buzz for awhile.

I do have something like a non-sexual partner in my life and is a lady. I have seen her half-naked a couple times when I first met her in her sports bra and another time when she took off her hiking clothes to get into her underwear just for me to take a spontaneous photo on top of one of the world's tallest mountains. I don't know why she did that while smiling, but maybe because she felt comfortable in the moment after breaking up with her ex from being really cocky about herself. She is noticeably big there but wasn't that appealing to me since I was more into her younger sister. A complex switch-a-roo has happened in that now she is the more attractive one than her younger sister who just keeps on struggling to lose her weight or is too lazy to sometimes.

She defines herself as an asexual so I am defining our complex friendship to be an asexual, open relationship since she still talks about finding her ideal partner. We both like each other enough to hang out together with just the two of us on a road trip and she trusts me not trying to take advantage of her nor catch her naked while dressing even though she worries about her body image, if I did. I like to imagine how they look like honestly and try to get some help from looking at porn. It's just feeding my curiosity and I think I have enough exposure now to think of a visual image without having to ask her and make her feel uncomfortable.

Overall, our relationship is closer than just a friendship. We're like brother and sister to one another with occasional exploration of getting to know one another and getting others to speculate if we're going to be dating. Still, the adventures we have had are almost second-to-none and I just didn't feel that romantic vibe with her back then which would have made the experience something to die for. It's basically close but not close enough so working with what you got. In the meantime, I'm looking for a sexy single lady with a sweet personality to have some actual chemistry with.

Defining Personal Goals

I'm going to take the liberty to share what I'm looking to obtain and acquire. Well, the crazy part about me is that I'm no longer really shy about backing down from an argument now. I have been making sense while just relentlessly attacking an old friend's character and laughing at him. He really just continues to take it, so he's been in a way my sparring buddy with handling arguments. He's a socially awkward knucklehead! I call him an average dumb joe all the time, but I'm never going to mention who on here because it just doesn't feel right.

For fun, I do play the piano and sing songs while planning to make that my revenge someday with this old crazy crowd from playing them successfully on their stage, but I'll have to put in a fight to get that spot. It's a little thing I do still and it's fun to go out and do Karaoke while checking up on how I perceive my singing voice is doing. I've recorded myself several times to not my enjoyment at times. I like how I sound live much better while trying to perform it in front of others.

I'm really looking to go to the gym and lift some weights and build muscle while getting some crazy sexy abs all for myself. I'll just be feeling good and then making a pass at sexy fitness ladies since I'm attracted to them and not caring if they reject me or not because it probably won't be from lacking anywhere with myself physically by then.

I have acquired over twenty cooking books and haven't even touched the bulk of those recipes yet! I have done a few and shared it with some friends who actually like those dishes, so that's been fun. I would like to keep on exploring those recipes. Currently, I'm into creating dishes that are good and don't take that long to make like using a pressure cooker. It's still quite a bit of work with preparing the ingredients and having to go out and pick it up at a store. I just might go back into Amazon Fresh to have all those items delivered to me on the same day by whenever I ask them too. It will just save so much time with searching for items at a grocery store.

Ultimately, I would like to stay wealthy off of swing trading and playing some really good online Poker so basically being a competitor of taking other people's money and what a lot of them like to do. I'm pretty comfortable about it now. Along with that, I would like to go into the business of developing software and be a part of every intricate detail so that would mean non-stop learning for me with doing the managing of people, design, and actual engineering work.

Lastly, people play an important role in my life. Love them or hate them, I can't stop loving them even when a person occasionally gets me to flip my handle. I'm pretty mellow even for an angry person, so I'm just probably going to be more vocal about my concerns and disagreements with those crazy boneheads. Once I'm able to find something like my life-long lover and partner now, I think that's living a complete life for me, along with always making some time each day to try to hear the Lord out from meditating on His Bible and praying which is based on my Christian faith.

Managing Time Effectively

It's got to this point now where I'm now thinking about everything I'm doing in my spare time. For the most part, I've been imagining what I want to do with my life and then other times just seeking after entertainment in grown-up form. I'm no longer really so engaged in video games like I was when I was younger. I'm not really finding myself buried into multiplayer games either even though they are really fun to be immersed in.

I'm going to try to not really spend so much time on entertainment anymore because I have bigger goals in mind with achieving, and how they are going to be time consuming. Playing online poker professionally would be a lot of fun too, but right now it's just too hectic with what I have going in my current life. I'll just come back to it again whenever I have to as a last resort. Playing poker on my phone is really just going to be when I have some down time and nothing else to do like standing in line waiting for something.

In the meantime, I'm just going to go after working hard on myself while maintaining my personal confidence and trying to find an attractive single lady to have some romantic and sexy chemistry with!

Putting It Together

Along with a few struggles where I indulge myself in the little entertainment I can afford myself each day before going to work the next day for a long day, it's really conflicting with what I actually want to do with my life. I'm finding room to trade and hope it someday leads me to Eureka and no more having to wake up so late regularly to drive in boring traffic and go work! If I had the money, I could wake up early and maybe ride a really expensive motorcycle with good enough safety features. I was also thinking about how convenient it would be to own a small airplane and be able to fly it but it would require planning with more synchronization to get a routine going. It would be fun to be one of the few up there though except for the large planes that do their route regularly.

I'm great at organizing my own steps and what I need to do, but the hard part for me is the doing part. I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty good at planning and fixing up my mistakes while monitoring it, so maybe I would be an ideal manager for some company. It's just that I haven't found myself in that position from not really going to seek after it. I guess I'm doing the hard stuff regardless at work that others would like to avoid. They are giving it to me from thinking I'm the smart one, while I get to struggle to make it work, but I do get my day's wages. I mean if they thought I was dumb then I wouldn't be in that position pretty regularly.

I also believe that being a great planner would need great people to go along with it, and for myself, I'm looking at needing some leadership skills to somehow motivate others to follow a shorty like me! Maybe, if I showed it through being really successful then yes, people will follow me like no problem or even travel from far away just to say "Yes sir!" to me in person.

Because of this total smart image that I portray, I am seen as also nice but there have been a couple times where I drove a few people crazy from being mad at them. I need to watch out for myself better next time. I might have the intellectual aspect while looking fit enough and also a decent personality to hang around with, but I'm still a short guy and haven't really pushed myself to connect intimately with someone. I could have a little bit of asexuality because I induced it from being upset about my short height for awhile. I still feel a little uncomfortable about dating taller women though. I'm getting better with being around ladies around my own height though, but they're just cool with being hangout buddies so far. It just might be that the lady I end up marrying is going to be towering over me while wearing high heels, but as long as she's hot to me, I honestly don't care anymore!

What I'm Looking To Do

It looks like I'm going to have to go after forming good habits again. I remember from a few years back my goals were a lot more simpler. I only looked for three things even though it didn't quite bring me fulfillment. I was going after reading the Bible, making day trades, and working out on a daily basis. It was simple to make a schedule for it and I stuck to it!

Now, I'm having trouble going to the gym again even though I have a nice UFC membership. I haven't gone in months and still paying for it! It's about time I got off my butt and just went into the gym to work on the weight machines since that's what I'm interested in. Maybe I'll get inspired to take classes again which are fun from watching some people do them. 

Also, the gym has some noticeably hot girls going there even though they keep to themselves and don't look like they want to hit up a conversation with me. I think I'll have to build myself a better body that I feel really good about first before going up to be like "What's up?" to a cute girl who regularly attends and ends up smiling back. Maybe she'll do that if she's in a good mood regardless but yeah, if I feel good about myself it won't matter to me if she responds coldly.

I have hung on to Forex trading for far as I know and instead of reading the Bible, I keep it on audio tracks while I'm driving so it's about whenever I can zone into it while not distracted by other thoughts. Overall, the only schedule I've made for working out is doing like a steady paced run for about an hour every Saturday. I guess I can put in some more weights, since I don't have too much trouble with my cardio. I'll try to hit up the gym again but what it looks like is that I'm not putting it in my schedule and it's something I don't feel I'm too successful at or can make a run with. The Bible is just faith-based even though I think there are lots of knowledgeable people out there. Trading is really like a personal sport, so no one to really compete with and taking it far as I want to go with it. Working out on the other hand, I notice stronger and much better looking people than me at the gym! 

It could be a little psychological deterrent but I think I just have to shrug it off and put in a lot of hard work. Even if I notice some arrogant people laughing at my lack of ability, oh well, I'm not there to focus on them. I'm just going to have to be consistent at it, so it looks like if I could eventually get myself into a program with some trainer, it would help a lot too. I think I'll stick to free resources online and just putting some of my personal time into it to save up on money right now. 

Things To Go Over

I stated to realize from three posts ago on Getting To The Meaning Of It , I'm still quite a bit of a procrastinator. It could be that sometimes I want to chicken out from feeling a lot of stress or just not in the mood for it while being addicted to something else more fun at the moment! It really is a pain to get started, and for myself, I just don't feel right at all if I don't get anything accomplished so I am one of those reluctant work horses out there. If I flip on the switch, then I will keep on going the whole day until I fall asleep. For the next day, I have to put in some effort again to flip on the switch before getting myself going again. I'm just sometimes not in the mood turning myself on to go work as funny that might sound.

It really does come down to being used to something out of dedication. A friend told me that in order to turn something into a habit, you need to make the effort to do it for at least three months and then after six months it will become like second nature. Once it falls out again for some personal reasons, it sure is hard to get back into it. It's just a matter of putting it into your schedule because you deem it worthy to be on there.

Despite me telling myself that I'm not going to play poker to try to make money by winning or entertain myself, yeah, I still use up a good portion of time every week to play with them. I'm finding myself not over indulging on them as I used to with video games during my college years. Those were some tough times while being a stupid college student! I made it out alive though with a 4-year degree in Computer Science or related to software engineering if it will help anyone remember better.

Staying On Track

I'm realizing that from regularly running at a steady pace for around an hour, it's helping me to keep up with doing boring repetitive tasks at work. It sort of does help a lot with one's patience, despite being able to enjoy being outdoors every so often. I keep up with some trail running close by my current home, which is a mixture of passing through homes with a few devastating short inclines to climb and stepping over a bunch of dirt on a flat terrain. It leads to a nice looking lake with about a quarter mile circumference, and I just take a lap around the uneven terrain when I get there after running at least 2 - 1/4 miles.

Overall, it's really enjoyable to go out running and I'm reaping the benefits of feeling lighter on my feet and not having a hard time to walk around all day when I'm chilling with some buddies. I'm not gasping for air like I used to while I was fat growing up!

Settling For Satisfying Time Management

I'm still reverting less frequently nowadays to procrastination. I've written on one of my social media intros that the only thing holding me back is falling asleep on my chair after procrastinating! It's something I really need to make an effort with because let's face it, I can get pretty bored easily while doing something that feels like I have to put a lot of focus on and is pretty hard at the moment. At the same time though, I'm just driven to solve the issue and receive a nice level of elation after putting in the effort. Fortunately, I have found a job that I really enjoy doing even when I'm bored of it!

I know how contradicting this really is, but come on being successful is about putting in a lot of hours on something that you want to be good at. Why not pick something that can pay good or something that you know you are good at while passionate about and feel you can make a reasonable gamble while hoping to get lucky? I mean we all have lives and have to do something about it.

Getting To The Meaning Of It

Yesterday, I did feel a little vulnerable about not being married to a lady I want to be with. I felt this uneasiness but when I left the house to just go outside, the change of environment just felt so much better. I guess I'm meant to be outdoors then. When I'm inside my home, I want to have this feeling of sharing it with my wife someday. When I go outside, then it's going to be fun I suppose and maybe I'll be able to take my wife and kids which I both don't have currently along with me for the ride too!

What kept me going while I was feeling human yesterday is that I willed myself forward by leaning on working towards confidence and hard work mainly. It's nice to have this drive, but what would have satisfied it further is to base those things off of being inspired from my faith in God. I just need to put in the physical work and it's a pain to get myself started each day! It's pretty funny with how I realize that now.

Making Most Of My Time

Yesterday, I really spent the day considering my backup plan of playing Poker to earn a living if my current job falls out of place and I need something to do. Poker is a game of grinding and competing against one another while taking advantage of breaks and concealing them to the opponent. It's difficult to pick up on these signs so against a very seasoned player, the personal earnings will take a dip unless luck was on your side that time. My primary urge is to believe other players are bluffing in a real money situation. I have found out for play chips that the players don't really bluff as often as they could or I just found a really nice online community to practice my skills on.

I'm finding it to be fun and I can just waste hours playing online with one table while betting only $1.50 to $5.00 at a time. I can probably last for hours at a time too and sometimes I just leave to take a break like everybody else does after they are disappointed to lose all of their chips.

The thing about playing Poker to make a living off the low-stakes tables is that it can get very time consuming and since I already have a day job that pays better and has less hours to work and feels more rewarding, then maybe I should work hard to increase my skillset for this career and keep building upon it. It's nice as a last resort that playing Poker against other scrubs online for a living would be fun, but I'm going to have to eventually fold on this idea if I can.