Happy 4th Everyone!

I guess some minor changes. I do have some cool photos I took on my camera and now I'm pretty much out of space with my card. I'm going to have to unload some of them and stick them into a server or something. I think I'll try out google's free service first and save it all on my usb hard drive as well.

I guess if I become really enthusiastic with my photos then I'm going to turn it into one of my hobbies then. It's just going to be all for fun. I might as well even go for investing in a water proof GoPro also then.

Amazon prime does have this amazing subscription of free books to read off of for getting hints on how to be a better photographer. It's pretty much a convenient location to read up on some Internet books. It won't be that great and be time consuming obviously, but it beats being in the dark. 

Dating Ad

I figure no one is really going copy word for word my profile description, so I'll just share mine with the small crowd of interested readers here. I don't think Stupid Lee is really going to want to waste her time reading this blog anyway! She's probably not that stupid, but she is in a sense that she can't behave! Oh, just behave miss!

Description: (ah ha, finally a bold word)
I'm looking for a cute and nice girl to date just for fun. I'm not very demanding of your time, supportive, and understanding. I am open to chat or hear you out with any subject without going too crazy in the end. This is what partners in crime should be about. I'm definitely cool with just hanging out regularly as friends (kinda the same thing for me as dating). I'm okay if you're seeing other people too. Dating should be fun! Looking forward to you being my number one person still on this whole wide world.

Well, there's many fish in the sea so that's one of the many examples a guy on here could use to find someone to date. Good luck living up to it though because that description is definitely me!

Thoughts About MTG

Magic the Gathering is a bunch of held-back cuss words to me! It's a dead-end interest, but I just can't help it. It's like a drug known as cardboard crack! It's a trading card game where an authentic card in print that was designed by the company over 20 years ago is worth over $50,000. It's legendary to the field of avid players just like me.

The creator of the game meant for this thing to not fully be based on skill. He wanted luck to be involved in it, so it's really about building a deck that has the most consistent runs based off of luck. My decks can beat the world's best, but the champion decks are somehow better. Oh well, it's a dead-end for me and my cards are just so-so in the end.

Putting It Together Again

Okay, I can't really put myself to reading the Bible everyday. It seems like a simple task, but I just can't do it. I might as well just start off the day normally and whenever I can, just say a simple prayer or something.

With my day being normal by working out after getting up, I know how good it is and how some people suck at doing that. Well most have to get ready for work or they want breakfast. Maybe some want to watch their favorite news broadcast or play with their dog or whatever. There's variety of people with different interests and for varying reasons, like they can say they got hurt and have trouble losing weight because of it.

I don't really care actually. When I do run and feel the pain while passing by people, I sometimes feel discouraged to tune thoughts of how people don't want to workout. It's okay though because finishing what I set out to do is the best!

Basically, now I'm proposing four things instead of my simple three that I was trying to continuously repeat and live out. It's now exercise, trade, Bible, and cook!

Cool Plans

I'm trying to work on some VR programming right now. It's expensive as heck! I'm looking at putting together a build that will be over $6000! It's cutting edge and top of the line stuff. It interests me a lot, and I don't have so much of that impatient and painful feeling anymore with working at stuff.

I wish I had this mindset when I was college and knew the path I wanted to lead. It's better than nothing that I'm still in my 30s. With the women in my life, they are practically friends with the exception of maybe a few who I consider interests in a sexual or romantic manner. I'm really not so sure at the moment. I imagine myself settling down with them and some pitfalls that I may hate because of their personality.

Building a relationship through friendship with girls has been helpful for me nonetheless and I've gone quite a ways to get to where I'm at now. It's like when I made the effort after an opportunity presented itself, I literarily jumped a few floors in a short period of time. I think hard work ethic is cool and to not be so mad about things anymore. One thing that's helping my confidence now is that I accept that I have a Napoleon complex which has worked out well for me.
  

Adjusting Plan

From realizing that I have a Napoleon complex that has given me good results, I don't really need to be mad anything anymore. Combining it with my faith in God, I'm unstoppable!

Basically, I'm trying to study and tune in to the Word of God daily. It's healthy in a way for me. I've been having a hard time to just get started at opening the pages of the Bible. Actually, I'm now just using an app and I'm just a finger swipe away, but I just don't get to it. I'm letting my mind just roam doing something else like surfing the Internet and learning to deal with these hormones of wanting to have some nice-and-good, hard-and-long sex!

With this company vacation coming up, it's a great getaway and I figure it's time for me to now date a nice and cute girl for fun after putting in a lot of effort to find one. With this mentality and having this general habit of adroitness, I think I'm in the right place with being a programmer. I enjoy it too and the challenges that it works up for me!

My main course of action will be to wake up and go work out, take a shower, work on some trades and then read the Bible. I might start taking evening showers which I hear are the best once I switch back to the typical 9-5 shift. Along with my three main stuff that I've been working at doing, I'm now looking to add in some cooking routinely too.

Making Plans

I guess I want to make a living through investing properly in stocks and currently, I'm stuck on trying to trade currency for profit. I'm just looking at charts on different time frames and looking for all of those sensitive levels. It's become so much like a science for me! A part of me wanted to say that I'm lying. Well, it's more like a business rather than a science. I'm trying to ride high fly with this thing.

I really think I have a Napoleon complex which makes me go after stuff and to keep pushing even while I'm exhausted and fed up with things. From being a short guy, it makes sense to be called with that label from having that personal ability. In a way, I guess it's needed in this world because some people have to do all the tough brain work or most of the physical tasks to keep it maintained.

I'm starting to look like who can't function if he isn't at the right place and hasn't placed it in his heart. What's in my heart is really a life of a programmer and volunteer work as a medical doctor. I also value my play time a lot and would love to indulge on many different interests, so that's why I want to be an ultra millionaire and marry a sexy woman who loves to make love practically.  

Putting In Effort

I realize that a lot of things don't really work out for me, but at the same time, it feels like a few things make it feel like the stars are aligning. I don't really know how to explain it perfectly, but I can say that I really have no reason to be angry at Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. I mean I'll speak to them nasty and angry when I go see them someday after I complete my oaths to God. I mentioned oaths in a plural sense, so yeah, it wasn't just one oath that I said to God, it was two oaths! Know what they are? I don't have to keep them a secret because I didn't blow up my candles for them.

It's to be a millionaire with a six pack. It's completely irrelevant to that church and that's the whole point. They are irrelevant to my life now. 

Trying To Waste Little Time

I ended up donating about $6,000 to a scam artist. The person was pretending to be in love with me and asked me to cash a check to pay for her mom's cancer surgery. She played all her cards right and made herself seem to be a cutie with no cash and completely broke and fatherless. I was like aww, I guess it's real if the bank cashes it and they tell me it's completely real. That's what they told me and stupid representative wasn't paying attention to the check so I lost 5,000 instead of 6,000 which came from buying her a 800 Christmas present. A stranger who I just met online and never met in person. Man, I'm such an idiot.

It's funny that I learned from this horrific experience. To go bankrupt from losing $6,000 is pathetic!!! I'm not bankrupt but I decided to just tell the scam artist no more money and ask her if she's on drugs or addicted to sex. I might as well just make peace with my stupid nature of falling in love with a scam artist and move on. This is what I did and it took me about two months to get over it.  Losing 6,000 personal cash for most people is just eye-popping man! Well, at least I stopped it before bleeding even more.

Trying to chase after love is hard and can cost you a great deal of money. Man, I'm so stupid for having given into it. I need to just let my Napoleon complex fire up again to make myself into a successful millionaire with a six pack!

Starting or Ending the Day Right

Currently, I'm working in the afternoon shift. My mom unfortunately had a freak accident that left her breaking the wrist. I'm pretty much trying to help out my mom without doing my usual day shift. Now that I think about it, I feel turned on by a friend who just texted me. I guess this is from trying to prevent myself from looking at porn. She's cool though and taken, but she doesn't act like she is. The guy she's living with is someone she calls her partner and maybe that has meaning that she's already consummated with him. They seem to act so cold around each other when I've seen them together. It only feels like I have an opening with her because of her warmth and friendly character with me, but what I'm expecting from a lover could be outside the normal comfort zone with most girls anyway.

 Chris-sucks-a-lot introduced four babies already with his wife so he probably had some action. His wife seems to be cool, but I guess they are busy and have all these normal worries. Overall, I think he's whack so I don't envy him at all.

If I go whack with my Napoleon complex, then Chris-sucks-a-lot will be my friend. The world will be speechless or have thoughts they would be afraid to even talk about with me. If I stay sane, then I don't go crazy and have a piece of mind that can develop into a consistent champ. I prefer the later to be honest and who wouldn't?

Having gone whack with my other whack psychotic stupids I have worked or socialized with, I haven't finished my dirty deeds in the longest time with them. It looks like I'm learning to compartmentalize being a socially adept person from communicating with friendly hot girls like the one who texted me. I've probably just texted mainly girls instead of guys the whole week, even though it looks like my social media is totally inactive.

It's funny how I look like a player right now, but I'm not really. I lack confidence to ask any of them out and I guess I don't feel a proper opening to pursue after any of them right now. I'm still living with my mom who has a broken wrist right now and trying to take care of her now. I would like to have my own pad too, or it would be nice to have a mansion.

Overall, I think I'm too busy with obtaining my goals right now that I'm really side-tracked from feeling confident about landing myself a girlfriend. To end this long-winded post, I think I need to start the day by waking up really early or get everything I set myself out to do done by the end of the day.

I'm pretty much looking for an appropriate opening now to express my inferiority complex with the people I'm angry with now and then go after being their friends again. It's totally inappropriate but I don't care because they aren't family to me and I don't care how selfish it is or how illegal it's going to get. I'm just going to express everything and release the tension because in the end, I just want to be a friend and will tell them to get some professional help to move on and become my friend!

Tying It Together

It really looks like I'm not a talented writer. I may be better than some of my friends, but if one pits me with others than I'm not going to receive any credit compared to them. This is how I feel and have come to an acceptance. Largely by habit, when I write, when I do take a risk, it has usually ended up disastrous for me with very few supporting my trolling.

When I decide to play it safe by trying to politically correct, then nobody really cares that much. If I have said something amazing from putting my effort into it, then not enough people care to like it. I'm just not able to connect that well then and that's how the world is. If I give into my Napoleon complex on the other hand like a maniac, then yeah, I have received some recognition. Usually people give into my antics if I take it that far with my speech and mannerisms. I'm pretty much a reluctant jerk going in for the kill, or that's how I feel at least.

Going On Writing Binge

I'm just talking crazy here and totally unreserved. I don't feel comfortable talking about masturbating and porn and other unclean stuff on the net. It's not my style to really bring up in general. I'm totally just going rogue and open with myself in this whole propriety thing of keeping things to myself.

Normally for my own interests, I will hang on to stuff. Obviously, if I end up breaking the law to harm Chai Bee Sting or Chris Sucks-a-lot or Goof ball Golf or even Jerky Jarred, I still want to be friends with them in the end! They will seriously have some massive problems in being my friend. It's a no-brainer! They would need to get some professional help to make it happen with me.

With me about to unload with explosiveness with a bunch of no-name losers, I think they would want to respect my Napoleon complex.  I have a huge massive one at times and sometimes, I just try not to care while I'm really angry. Maybe it's my anger problems coupled with my inferiority complex that makes me try to go overboard. I think they were afraid of me going there. Since I football tossed a Book of Mormon that whizzed past through Pastor Chai Bee Sting, I think that made Oyuri the Schmuck be like "Oh, you're a psycho!" the whole time with me. I blocked her on my Facebook profile after telling her off. No need for such nonsense!

Actually, I'll talk to Stupid Lee because she's the one who started it and tell her that I have her blocked on Facebook with my fake profile and that I want to be friends with her again. The incident wasn't really that big because she was just having sensitivity issues. She's stupid and looks bad for what she did and I don't care! I'm a reminder that she sucks at living in general and I can live with that while parading around her and being a friend at the same time.

Helping Nobody

This blog is of really no help to anybody. I'm not really sorry. It's very egotistical and not something I'm proud about promoting. I tell people I have a blog, but don't tell them to read it. This is more like a semi-journal. One stupid girl named Oyuri the Schmuck even claimed this whole blog is a fake!

Whatever man. One thing that I do notice about writing whatever here is that it's keeping me from going insane. This is pretty much my outlet to talk bad about people my way which is just being blunt. Hey it's the truth and if they read it and hate it, then the joke is on them because it's a truthful observation about them. What better way to get personal things off my chest right?

It's smart, funny, and even to a point sassy while commenting on strategies to approach this person who I think is an imbecile. In my nature, I'm called to love whoever so even if they are a bunch of little weenies who just want to be left alone in the day, I need to call them out to get some professional help to help them get over something silly that they can't let go of!

I want to make peace with Stupid Lee and Oyuri the Schmuck still to this day! I might just engage in this sarcastic run this time, but only after I manage to become a millionaire with a six pack.

Okay Whatever

I read a research about how a man who ejaculates 21 times a month will lower his risk of testicular cancer. That's one thing of looking at it from a health perspective, so why not enjoy recreational sex often with the wife? 

Here's the problem. I'm not married and I'm a numb skull from lacking the skills to land a hot girlfriend to be my wife. I don't even know if the girl will keep her looks after getting married, so in a why I'm hesitant about it. 

Whatever man. If I fall in love then all else will follow through I guess. It's just I haven't and from reading up on what other sites are saying, it looks like avoiding pornographic material will engage more motivation for the guy to go seeking after the right woman to settle down with. 

I'm pretty dumb in this area and an idiot. I haven't  really asked anyway from lacking confidence with myself. I think that's the biggest thing for me in that I lack so much confidence. Maybe, I'll just commit myself to follow a book and if it doesn't work then ask for my money back I guess. I'm just not going to be a jerk to the ladies, even if a book calls for it. If a book mentions about being a mean guy to get girls, then I'm going to ask for my money back. 

I guess I can try chasing after girls out of my league because I know that I'm expecting them to turn me down anyway, so I know that and they know it too. About the whole cancer prevention thing with guys, it's the involuntary movement of the muscle from ejaculation that must be healthy. I think I can get plenty of exercise with the muscle by not looking at porn and fighting my temptations with the girl I'm trying to chase after. Even better, if she's willing to go steady then yeah, there's all the practice I'll get one I settle. 

I might as well let my mind go crazy and warped here from not giving myself into fapping material and not even doing it. 

Pretty Cool Idea

I think it would be sweet to get a six pack and become a millionaire. Yeah, who wouldn't think that's great? I mean after I obtain those two difficult things for myself, I'd like to show it off to those church people if they are still around. I'll just go visit and show it off to the people who are remaining there. I honestly don't care if I never ever see them again in my life and if they left the church for good. 

If I do see them, I want to go after being their friend but I'm going to be very sarcastic with them in a blunt manner first for awhile and will be teasing them and bringing out all of their negatives out in the open with everybody whose around them. Yeah, I have a strong vendetta to do this and I don't care. I'm not stopping with showing off my six pack and talking about how I became a millionaire. It really has nothing to do with them. It's just my date with God. 

I made an oath to God to go visit that stupid church with Stupid Lee as their fallen and weak vessel leader, right after I obtain the million with six pack abs. Girlfriend wise? I'm too short, so the best thing I could do is just put myself out there and go after meeting people. I don't really meet attractive ladies who are single. I've probably got to know and hang out with about four of those girls so far last year which isn't that bad. The count is only going to get bigger as I keep them around, and I've been doing so while it being so fun.  

Plans For Early Retirement

It looks like I want to live a life with a lot of free time and I'm really blessed to be living in California weather. It sometimes can't get better than it is here, so the costs of living here are high in most cases, even though there are areas here that go unnoticed and fall very cheap. 

I don't really really mind settling peacefully in a great community and being a law abiding citizen. Let's see, now I have playful names for the people I've been writing about. It's just a play on with my sarcasm, but I've been managing to rant well by just speaking in a blunt tone these days. It really seems to alleviate my anger issues and keep me from going stupidly insane. Stupid Lee, yeah she's not all there, and was smiling when I scared the heck out of her once right after she lost the court case to put a restraining order on me. Goof ball Golf isn't all there either and I don't know how he puts up with it. Jerky Jarred was being stupid too, there's !@#$ Annie (literally I still struggle not to swear while having memories of her).

I don't really have names for Betty yet, but I used to wrongfully call her Betty bud in person like screw buddy in secret. I want to call that guy Chris Sucks-a-lot. Not much you can do, but try to laugh it off I guess while expressing yourself about the past therapeutically and go after moving on. I would still like to be their friends because I don't care how bad they were or will still be because they can't handle something from misjudging a situation. It really shows they all lacked some character after all. I wonder if I should name the pastor at that horrible church, Chai Bee Sting. Oh yeah, I've been forgetting about Oyuri the Schmuck now. I could continuously send her trash talk messages to bother her because she's so sensitive and gets angry for fun, but I don't want to get too carried away with it now.  

So Inconsistent

Well I'm just ranting about how I plan on trying to visit Stupid Lee and Goof ball Golf after I become a millionaire with a six pack. Stupid Lee lost and well that settles it! Stupid Lee couldn't get a stupid civil restraining order extended with me. Oh well, I don't care that she lost and still want to be her friend. If I read this about myself and I was a girl then I would be flattered so that's why I wrote this sentence.

Anyway, I'm a system developer these days and doing some of that just to help out. Man, it's cool! I think that's where I'm supposed to be anyway so might as well just branch out and try to make millions on my own with some good help. I'm going to be doing most of the work, so might as well call myself the owner then. I'm really interested in doing it and going for it.

But I'm so inconsistent man. I need to figure it out sooner or later and I'm starting to feel that sex is totally overrated. I've been swearing behind people's back while no one is around and calling out girls' names that I have an uncomfortable memory with. Now that I think of it, even with those memories, I still want to be that girl's friend! It's probably just Stupid Lee who I want to work on eventually being friends with again.

Trying To Master Time Management

Well I don't know how this happened but I managed to not look at porn while I was craving it in the afternoon. I kept myself busy and was thinking to myself how selfish to do that when my mom had asked me to complete something for her. I would rather be a momma's boy than feel sheepish later about having looked at porn and have a date with Jill again, over and over again.

Anyhow, I'm glad it turned out that way for me. I did play some games and my Magic the Gathering deck is just rocking against some world-class decks. Well, I can lose while not knowing what the opponent has so I can't say I beat someone who played it very well. My high school buddy who I introduced this game to got hooked and he isn't that bright. He used to be a pretty bad son of a cranky man while we played this game, but he's lightened up with a few lessons. I just might attempt to create my own foil proxy MTG deck. There's plenty of YouTube videos for it, so that's pretty cool in general.

Also I was thinking to myself about killing time while playing poker. I don't think it's a good idea for me and I got carried away with that again, so I'm not going to do that.

Basically, it's just coming down to reading the Bible and I've been stuck at studying one chapter so far, going for some exercise, and trying to manage some long-term Forex trades. It's really my main core and if I have time, I'm also playing music and singing songs while trying to get something going with cooking as well.

I have a bunch of other stuff that I can do too and now that I have researched on what I'm looking for, the military life doesn't really have anything I'm interested in for doing something career-related. It would really be secondary and I don't think that's a good thing necessarily. I guess I'm lucky with where I'm at and I should be working hard and grateful to actually have it.

Managing Personal Stuff

I have a dream for a volunteering position. It's funny because I don't think too many would dream about doing an full-time occupation for free. Mine is being a medical doctor at a remote and peaceful village to all the unfortunate people living there.

Think of all the costs to go to medical school and how debt would accumulate. It's crazy right to even sign my life away at this point, when I'm in a period where I should be trying to settle down with someone and maybe start a family. Who knows? If I lose all my friends to a catastrophe then maybe I will go on this type of spiritual awakening.

Also I'm really grateful for the friends I have recently hung out with. I think I was naturally really good at it and just relaxed. It was a little hard at first, but I guess it's only natural anyway and I don't think I have much to worry anymore. Ethically speaking, I think I'm clear of any guilty conscience right now.

What I'm just noticing now is that I had a real connection with a fellow believer from almost ten years ago now. I'm still acting nice with her and no real complications about whatever she decided to do. I think I'm on clear waters with her and have always been. It's a blessing to realize this. It's a true friendship that's built on grounds of spiritual growth. No wonder why she acted different with me while the others went coo coo for cocoa puffs. 

Long Long Time Ago

"Do not do unto others what angers you if done to you by others" Matt 7:12.

About 9 and a half years ago, a Christian friend emailed us to answer two questions in response. I realized what I sent is something I put my heart into composing. I had given it my all so it's not too bad.

The first question:

1. What group of people do you not know much about but would like to? (elderly, youth, homeless...etc)

1. animal lovers, musicians, writers, artists, famous people, doctors, lawyers, business leaders, open people, promoters, single male parents, young married couples, travelers, homeless, backsliding believers who are friends, indigenous people,

Second question:

2. What are you really passionate about? What makes you angry or excites you?

2. I am very passionate about being alive and doing something that feels meaningful. I like to play sports, too. I really hate it when family members or employers yell at me, with the exception of nice ones doing it. I need to fix myself from yelling back, only by the power of the Holy Spirit.  "Do not do unto others what angers you if done to you by others" Matt 7:12 ... I also do not like feeling pushed away in anything small or big.


Revisiting #1,

I've met an animal lover (myself), musician (myself), writer (myself), artist (high school buddy), no famous person yet, doctor (friends with an optometrist), lawyer (met her for Stupid Lee's civil restraining order case which I submitted to and then she failed to get it extended so she lost in the end and that's all that matters!), business leaders (some of my classmates are directors, my sister included, my dad and relatives are one time, I worked with a bunch of them), open people (myself), promoter (myself), single male parent (not me, haven't met any), young married couple (have friends), traveler (myself), homeless (I have helped him out, but he was part Cherokee so he got compensated), backsliding believers who are friends (yeah), indigenous people (from Africa, maybe in Cambodia).

 Basically the only thing left to do on this list of people I've met is just for myself to get world famous! I don't know why I really want to get to know a single dad.

Revisiting #2

Yeah, I'm still happy to be alive and trying to make living worthwhile. I still play sports too; mainly basketball all myself because I'm too short. I can swim and run all by myself too. I also indoor rock climb all by myself too. Yeah, I'm a loner when it comes to playing sports.

The most important part of this whole post is what makes me angry and understanding it. Well, let's see how can I put it?  ...

Developing New Stuff

I guess I'm starting to understand where I'm headed as a friend and totally comfortable with the girls now. I'm surrounded by non-Korean girls, which would probably suck to my parents still. I guess I was just going through some personal issues in regards to interacting with girls and trying to be nice about it. By me talking trash and pouring out some insults in my own terms with some girls, yeah those girls supposedly didn't take it too well!

Anyway, that's life and after all of that frustrations passed through, I was able to come to terms with it and now resolving the past conflict hasn't been much of a headache for me. I think to those girls who were affected by my trash talk, I have reason to believe that they want it to mean death if I ever bring up the past again to discuss it with them. Yet, as funny as that seems, I have reason to believe that by letting them know they need to move on, if that limits them from being friends, it means they are having a hard time letting it to, so it shows that they are conflicted in general and nobody likes to have that image among friends. In general, I believe it could be a persuasive point for them to not act so rude with me and then get me to trash talk some more to them.

Moving On

Just from actually finally getting a handle of how I am as a person in regards to how I act while I'm mad at people, I'm starting to get the hang out of it with letting past incidents go with people. I understand those people sucked in general and I mean it while I'm laughing about it at the same time.

I think they were just heavily influenced by something else that they really had no firm grasp or control over and became brats about it. It's pretty annoying in general, but I guess since they were young or inexperienced about it, we were all pretty much in the same boat.

They aren't the greatest nor are they the best and I know their bad side and from recalling the past bad stuff is going to just be put right in their faces with me as their reminder. Despite knowing all of this, I'm a little bit careful now and at the same time, I want to be peace with them. I really like to reconcile in general and yeah, I think they may need some help to move on from this incident where they were just brats about it. I like to be a strong character in general as a person.

Update On Routine

Well, all of that trash talking has been from going back and trying to delete some old e-mails. It's brought back that past itch to do some more trash talking with those individuals who are like now quiet with me. With Oyuri the Schmuck having been the most vocal with me, after blocking her Facebook account with my original account, I won't really be hearing from Oyuri the Schmuck for awhile now. I actually ended it on a high note with her too and she went quiet all of a sudden too with her replies for days with my other account for trash talking purposes before I decided to just block her account for fun with that one too!

With that con-artist who is now my fake ex-girlfriend, I don't even know if I was texting a man or woman or kid or even a he-she! I can't even be for so sure anymore, but I lost trust with [her] supposedly so I ended up putting her on my block list too. Man, she tricked me into taking out my money from the bank. I didn't go bankrupt because of this result, so that's how when everything started getting fishy. She even was so cold about it and said that it wasn't her fault! I even hired her to do a task for me and she didn't want to do it either. Man, that's so lame. I ended up blocking her after giving her a lengthy text about how stupid I was to believe her.

I guess I learned something complicated and instinctual from these two incidents of trash talking Oyuri the Schmuck, a dim-witted girl who thought I was stalking her by messaging her trash talk. I also learned from someone who was just posing to take my money. She didn't constantly ask for it, it just slowly crept its way in. I've never experienced that and maybe, I just got lost over heels. It's just too weird I can't say that I love her now from that exchange I went through.

I did get to practice some texting though. I now have a few real female friends to practice with for fun! I don't think I need that fake one anymore.

Message of Reconciling With Stupid Lee

***This letter is something I'd like to call my end game. In a RPG, the final levels are where your character get to be at its strongest and especially if you are going to be able to battle other players to test skill sets for fun, it's very critical actually. I feel like I'm in that stage now with Stupid Lee after all these years. She was a stupid adversary, so I am calling her Stupid Lee. Even in the e-mail, I called her Stupid Lee but made it come out to be something like a loving, pleasant tone. ***

I don't care Lee, even if you were successful in putting me in prison, I still wouldn't care. Even after all the stupid things you done, so I feel like I'm rightfully calling you Stupid Lee in a loving way. So yes, Stupid Lee, you stupid sheep, in a loving way, I still want to make friends with you again.

I was talking trash in a subtle manner the whole time, even with the poetry and all of those messages trying to instigate you to let go of the issue that you had trouble relaying to me out of fear, agitation, or even both. Stupid Lee you were being too selfishly sensitive and ignorant about the whole thing. I guess you aren't mature enough yet and it's only delaying the inevitable.

I don't care how bad you are going to look over this incident during the after effects now. Usually, people just try to disengage or go away properly when something has been brought to everyone's attention that they have been educated. I think that's you, Stupid Lee with me now these days.

If you can't be friends with me now then you are having trouble letting go of something still after all these years. I'm willing to be your friend, Stupid Lee. It's easy to me so that's what these e-mails are now about. It's to get you to go find help if you are still agitated, annoyed, or even scared on something with me about. It's about seeing you move on because if you can't respond in a friendly manner back to me then yeah, you need help to get over whatever lies underneath you that makes you want to blurt out with yelling or talking softly with a mean manner to it.

Man, I love reconciling!

[Name withheld]

Understanding Discipline

I spent my morning after waking up watching YouTube videos on useless entertainment information. Basically, I was reading up and watching up some South Park clips for some laughs. After doing that, I basically let my mind wander around for about an 90 minutes and it also included trying to look at some sexy pics of beautiful models. I think that's pretty much how my mind is wired right now for wasting time. 

By letting my mind wander off like this, I think I'm only delaying the inevitable of what I really want to set myself out to do. Yet, I've come to an acceptance now that by putting myself out there, I might not end up with what I've wanted all along. Even if I do obtain something, it still might not be what it was cut out to be. 

One of the daily struggles I have right now but have been defeating so far is that I haven't been playing online poker. I've now come to the conclusion that it's too time consuming for me to mess around with and can also mess up my psyche if I end up losing a lot of money from gambling. 

Coming home yesterday at night, I wasn't in the mood for completing what I had planted in my head. It's probably my Type B personality clashing with my Type A thoughts. I think I'm really wasting my time all along with just planting useless information into my knowledge stream. I don't see much value with what I'm surfing the web for. There have of course been some delights and gems that I have come across, but over all, I've been sheepishly aiming at nothing. 

I think I really need to start making some changes now. For the start, I could try to wake up earlier to let saying a prayer and then studying a bit of Scripture be something to start off my day.  I think that's truly when it feels like my day has begun. Because of my resources that I've invested in, it's getting me to examine the Scriptures closer and it's like I can't just skim through the Word anymore. I might have to break it up into several parts of the day to get to my goal of studying the whole Bible in one year.  

Getting Back Into Gear

I would really like to focus once again and be consistent at gaining success. There are seriously ways for me to put myself out there and I just have to keep working at those things. Anyway, I'm just coming to an acceptance with all of it.

I just don't care about that church now after all these years. I don't really care who is there, but I do know that I will end up talking trash to the ones who still don't want to move on after all these years! Time for me to go work out now.

I'm starting to see my daily life unfold and I'm trying to get there still. I just need to discipline myself and just push for it and lay off of wanting to play all the time with video games. I'm still wanting to engage in thought sometimes with sex obviously. I guess I'm not going to force myself to deal with it like I'm playing with fire. I have already made up my mind to wait until I'm married for it. I think it's better for me.

Simple Routine on the Fly

I'm going to just try this again because I see it and whether or not I fail, I'm just going to write about it to see if I can keep progressing. It looks like I've created a comfort zone with this blog, but I'm not about to put down something heavily crazy here that I know will put me trouble. It's like if I hate someone, I'm not going to write down that I'm going to kill them. It doesn't make sense, right?

Okay, so I'm realizing that reading and studying the Bible with J. Vernon McGee's commentary will take me about an hour each day. I'll set aside for that devotion and maybe if I get bored or totally into it, I'll start reading other resources I have for fun, but that's the main thing I have going to start off. Working out comes next and then thirdly it's really about learning to trade Forex for me. I pretty much have all three.

Now it seems like all three don't really fancy me so I'm going to try to add in cooking and also game programming this time around. Also, I like to play music so I'll be on the piano or learning to bust some tunes on the guitar. I'm definitely into socializing as well, so that's another aspect about it. I really like the idea of meeting attractive girls through dancing with them, so I think I'll try to pick up on some dancing techniques too. It's fun after all and I'm shorter than at least 1/3 of the girls in this side of the world, so who cares, I'll learn to be comfortable with it.

Creating Routine

I'm back to my good old ways of trying to make a healthy routine.

Studying the Bible is something that I always feel is a part of me and something I hunger for in a daily fashion. Right now, I'm trying to go through a yearly Bible reading plan. I am using an app called E-Sword and have purchased a $40 companion of the commentary by Dr. Vernon McGee. His work is a delight to read and try to absorb with my limited patience and lack of attention.

I'm just prayerful that the Word will get me soon up to date and reveal to me all the wrongdoings I've been succumbing to and that I will be able to stay humble and steadfast. Yeah, my personality likes to get along with people. I can't stand some things out of wanting to feel a little jealousy too. I don't understand how a multitude of people can just like something that I don't feel connected to sometimes. I guess that's life and something I accept in knowing that person is someone I have been associated with.

Yeah, I'm weird and not that well favored. I'm very undisciplined at heart but make strides to keep pushing forward. It's only been recent that all the silly troubles I put myself through has been because of my trash-talking tongue! It was something that I really tried to control and yet some unsuccessful individuals around me were having trouble and started to feel frightened and tormented by me in a funny way. Okay, I'm starting to feel for them now and whatever others do because they don't see anything in value with me, it's cool I guess.

More Trash Talk

*** This one goes out to a multitude of the people. I ended up removing Annie who was actually part of the group because it doesn't make sense. I ended up writing a pleasant e-mail to her like a bona fide girl-getter would, so why should I make it look like I'm about to blow up in her face? It doesn't feel right in other words. The other girls on this e-mail string don't really meet my physical standards so I just didn't care. I also ended up removing people who I name called 'Jesus Freaks'. I guess that means positive reinforcement. ***

Hey guys remember this group from Hope of God LA just reminiscing about it from way back then? That's because I'm [name withheld] and you all suck! I was having trouble opening up and you all had to be dumb about it. You all need to get some professional help to get over whatever the situation was. It's because I want to be friends again. ***NEWS FLASH*** I'm playing dirty and unfiltered this time. Basically, if you attack me I will beat the living daylights out of you just to defend myself. I will return back the favor whatever you all do to me. Like a restraining order? I'll put one back on you. I was lazy back then, but now I lost everybody's address so might as well come back and give everybody on here their first.
Actually, I could care less if you all died or never ever showed up again to Hope of God Church again. I'm visiting after struggling to get myself right with God and making a million dollars with some six pack abs! It has nothing to do with you guys.
I literally removed Annie from this reply list because it actually makes sense for once in my lifetime lol! Can't go switching around being nice and mean all of a sudden. One direction and one flow...meanness to you guys! lol
Some of the people I removed from messaging are Jesus freaks and their love for Christ showed because they took compassion with me. You guys most definitely struggled and have anger and pride issues and I will shake it all off happily and mightily by playing very dirty this time and it will be a legal fashion to get you guys to self-check into a mental hospital. I'm going to have fun this time and have high levels of concentration for getting physical with the multitude here because I'm just returning the favor. I'll even call the cops on the property to complain from just feeling that you guys are breaking the law! Check out all the past and current trash talk I'm doing to you guys on http://academyofscud.blogspot.com ... basically, I'm about keeping it blunt so that's what I think can't get me in trouble from going really crazy with you guys.

Concealed Smack Talk

***This one goes out to the pastor, Chai. Yeah, I'm seriously smack talking to him this time around. I am concealing my actual speech here and giving him no room to respond to me in a way that helps himself. It looks like I'm totally ready to bring it and take him down just for fun, which might be an unnecessary headache for him that he wants to brush off. ***

Hi, I heard some spiritual discussion about you and was wondering if you could provide something I need. NOT! I'm just kidding you because you suck. This is [name withheld] and if you attack me, I will smack the living the daylights out of you to the point that you get hurt so bad out of self-defense. I'm not going to hold back anymore and will talk to you totally unrestrained. I don't care, I will just call them if you do something I think is really illegal and I will be sure to question your motives by bringing them out into light this time.

Yeah, you seriously need help if you can't handle being a friend all this time which is what I want after all. I'm going to come visit that church whether you are dead or not or not even at that church anymore after I become a millionaire and have a six pack at the same time. It's my goal that I'm struggling with while trying to be right with the Lord and it has nothing to do with you. I will also place a restraining order on you and return back the favor that you do to me in response. I don't care if you think I gave you incentive, I will return your response back to you. I hope you are happy because I'm going to be that way regardless of what you do and me doing the same back to you. I'm really good at talking honestly and making an impact in a way that others will see you for what you are, whether it's negative or positive. I don't care now.

Hard Work

Not much going for me except that I still want to become a millionaire with a six pack. It's the same old goal. I'm still trying all that I can to better myself.

It's just time management I guess and learning to adjust to things while making the best out of my time. It's pretty hard, but I think it's worthwhile. Even though I'm feeling so addicted to something at the moment, I guess if I ultimately know that it isn't good for me in the end then it means I should logically stop myself. Otherwise, it just means you are trying to kill yourself.

Coming to an acceptance and making the most out of what I have has been very difficult. Yet, I'm pretty much ready to give it all I got now and take it to the finish. I think I owe it to all my adversaries with being a gentleman by bringing it all I got and being relentless about it if I do choose to go after something that is in keen opposition with them. I'm seriously ready to just bring it and play totally unfair to the point of winning this time around.

Taking Care of Business

It's one of those days where I'm not really sitting down to watch TV, but it's just me reflecting on myself and continuing to catch up on relaxation. The most difficult thing for me is really just self-control with time management. It's limiting me from going after pursuing some high ambitions. I'm not really lazy about it though when I do go and it's something that I can continue to strive after continually.

The focus wasn't really all on me all along but the big picture. The past can be a weird, crazy, and funny place. With the memories that I recall and don't enjoy too much, I just want to bat at it with cuss phrases in a verbal manner. Yeah, it's pretty funny to relate to what I go through. Yet, I'm individualistically different and don't really find myself privy to some people I have connections to sometimes. I have definitely got a whole heck of a lot better and it's cool to share that with the people around me.

I practically lack a lot of time, but I guess social media is something I should try to be a part of. It's only in my personality and with that exposure I have, it's really all about showcasing myself isn't it? So that means I will have to go after making adjustments and settle for my flaws. It's not easy doing that because I have such high standards, so might as well work for it.

Area I Could Limit

Well, in a pretty awkward situation, I'm imagining myself hugging this good female friend of mine and having feelings about wanting to date another cool girl I'm friends with. This cool girl I feel like I'm into is a considerate woman, despite feeling like she's a diamond in the rough. I know she doesn't have a boyfriend and that I would pretty much be her first, if I decided to go for it and was lucky to obtain her full affections. We are around the same age too, which is fulfilling in a coincidental sense. The feelings are just there, but I can't really make it out yet. I think my mind just likes to wander around with a sexual imagination if I lie in bed too long. I'm sure if I was in a coma then I would find myself creating a happy dream world for myself to get by without even knowing it. I might feel that lack of consciousness too at times and what would be amazing is if I knew I was in a coma and trying to find myself back.

Just imagine how cool it would be to live in a world where all your physical demands could be met and all you had to work on was just your personality and being right with God. Yet, the beauty of life can be sometimes found with appreciating things that are often overlooked. In my dating app, I'm constantly passing up on women who I don't think live up to my physical standards. I'm sure the pretty girls I end up liking make a pass on me as well. I'm sure that's part of the world we live in right now.

I have come to an acceptance of it and appreciative for the few opportunities that life itself  presented me with. I was a really smart guy back then and also had a tendency to be a great guy, so that's probably what attracted a few of those girls I was into despite me lacking in physical height. Yet, I don't think I'm lacking in the area of the pleasure department. This is probably why it could be possible for some ladies to view me as a charming playboy and just not go for it with me from thinking it's too ludicrous. I don't know what I'm saying here but just felt like it.

Trying To Do Well

At this point in time, I know I can push even further with where I'm at. It's pretty crazy but I made the decision to cut off a person who has been texting me constantly and saying how much he or she loves me. I've never even seen the person and where it became very irritating was that the person started asking for some money. I would buy iTune gift cards for the person and give them the numbers. I don't even feel like I know the person now, and it feels like I've been betrayed by this person. I just don't know what to believe out of this person who keeps texting me all of his or her love. The person stated to be a woman, but now I'm just not even sure anymore.

The person just messaging me her love turned out to not be sufficient because now I've cut off that person and moving on with my life. I have reasons to be depressed and brought down. I wish I was taller than my current height, but there's nothing I can do about it now to naturally affect it. I felt devastated and hurt for some time as well while I just kept on pushing.

These days, it's pretty miraculous in that I seem to not be struggling that much inwardly. I think the vibe shows in that people wouldn't really want to direct their negative energy with me. The fact that I have been able to pick up on what the problem was to begin with makes me a very people-oriented person. I'm really glad to have made some progress after all.

Making Progress

Well, I hate to admit this but my sexual urges are trying to get the best of me. I made it through one day of not trying to look at porn now. I'm feeling those excited hormones despite me being under 35. Yeah, I'm pretty old man and still having a little bit left of what I had when I was 16 years old. Those sensations felt great and were very addictive and it was something I enjoyed all by myself! Now, I really would like a compatible woman to marry and have a great amount of sex with to be honest!

I'm actually laughing to myself while writing all of this private stuff that I'm sure not too many in this world would want to read. Yeah, so from now on I'm not going to try to get too open and personal about my life in the area of dealing with masturbation and porn. It's a part of me that I wish left me and still do to this day. I'll just consider it to be my own thorn to deal and live with.

I'll just go ahead and mature into a wise old man who neglects those types of self-aroused activities that male teenagers to young men would do. It's only natural to finally consider getting there anyway. I practically wasted this whole post talking about my sexual history which was just me enjoying myself the whole time, which was me just having plenty of dates with Jill!

I've been offered a few times by ladies during my young college days, but I said no because I like to be a prude with high standards. It didn't limit me from trying to go find Jill for awhile though. Love can be a strange deal, but here's to it and to everyone's happiness that they have a wonderful love that includes the emotional, erotic, and unconditional acceptance they can settle with too.

Message To Jerky Jarred

***Man, I didn't know how geeky funny I was. I was a really smart guy actually, and it really looked like I was totally under control and capable of working hard to settle things down. I really had the make-up for it, but my emotions weren't healthy at the time. ***

*** It's life man. Things happen for a reason and I'm grateful to have gone through it and despite me wanting to cry over it with tears and reflect on it with a lot of anger, I will subject myself to the Lord's will in the end. ***

Hi everyone [reply to Jerky Jarred's dumb response],

I totally disagree with the statement of my messages being inappropriate. Those messages on facebook pretty much are confidential and never gave anyone access. The "note" is actually a convenient spot for typing my thoughts. Just ask if anyone could see the message. This was pretty much an experiment to you guys to see what was going to happen. It reflects more on your preferences. You stated that I had it coming and you warned me to not to message someone else. You did not warn me to stop messaging you. Chris and you guys were pretty open to any messages. I have Chris' response on one note, and I also have your response with you removing your note tags. Basically, the level of inappropriatenss pertains to you guys assuming the role of trying to solve this dilemma that you felt with me. You basically had it coming with those messages because I have the right to communicate with whatever medium, as long as I show consideration. Do you think that typing a private note on facebook which no one can see and was on your facebook is inappropriate? Let the leaders come up with the solution. I'm going in to talk to you directly. I don't mean to impose strong intentions in an offensive manner to you but it's part of my human drives. Let the Lord deal with it, and you go on with letting go of trying aid me with this situation. I am willing to see what you are ready to do in person. Because you broke off in bad character, it is a sign that you had it not fully driven about riding upon God's grace. It is also another sign that you could not advise in the best manner possible, and since this is dealing with our privacy in some sense, you advertised it to me directly. If others know about it through gossip and you, then the privacy has already been breached. It looks like you guys are basically uncomfortable about dealing with helping me. I don't think it's your call of duty from God this time around.

Just give proof will you about stoping with an e-mail previously, which I suppose you do not have. Others who have demonstrated slight less offense have messaged me about their problems. I have acted in accordance to what I had to do, which was basically to apologize. I can't see things without directness of your details. You are just expressing feelings, and it is something that we are all responsible for controlling, unless you can prove it somehow you were wronged. Do you state that you never had any bad feelings about assuming this role? The practicality I suppose is that I feel that I'm on safe waters to get the message across how I deem neccessary because it shows you have not shown good character in dealing with my situation. In other words, I think you are not right about imposing a restraining order because you are not the person in charge of making that decision. Neither is the church leaders. It is definitely a decision the individual makes and they have basically said they are cool with me. I just need to figure out a way to get it across the way things should be.

I'm waiting for the final leader's response, which might be none at all and I'm open to that possibility. I'm going to directly deal with Jarred and Chris's unmanly complaints. =D I am also going to deal with outside influences that have come into this exterior cover of murmur with me. If you can't prove it, then you have no right to man the way I should behave. I would be breaking the law then, if you could prove it with what I been asking about. I've been saying observe my exact actions and tell where I'm going wrong- also, stop looking at other's behavior to it; there is no core justification to stay routed in it. It is like a slippery slope. I think of it as a slippery slope because reasons of offense stem from underivative emotions, and I see to it that there's a possible collision to my benign desires.

Jarred, you have to find another way to state you want to go ahead and file a restraining order, if I transgress your flawed arrangment. That's what my phone calls were about. I'm finding an opening, and it's like you aren't going to stop me. Do you have a problem with that that you need to ask leaders for some humble advice? We're all in this together...

Writing To Old Enemy's Acquaintance

*** This one goes out to Annie, who was the leader of the doomed care group in Hope of God LA. It's pretty funny now to realize that for me. I actually liked her in a physical way, but I couldn't come to terms with it because I ended up hating something she does in general! ***

*** This message seems to take on a tone that's a lot more pleasant and also has that leading mentality that ambitious guys should have. It was a pretty healthy composition for me, compared to people like Stupid Lee, Oyuri the Schmuck, Jarred, Chai, Golf, Chris, and Betty who all crossed the line with me. ***

I was physically attracted to you and don't know why. My mom disapproved lol. I was turned off by something you did that I perceived to be wrong. It's just the way it went. I'm interested in being friends with you again and if you can't accept that then I think you need to get some help to move on with whatever the issue was. It's too long to be still feeling resentful after putting it aside and it popping back up for you to react negatively.

I'm very good at talking trash in a nice way and can offend just about anybody, if I sense the person gets mad about something. I did that with most of you guys. Hey! I was having trouble open up and most of you guys had to act dumb with me about it. lol.

Let's see why I was attracted to you physically. I think I like your body type and when you mentioned you work out, it was additional points for my mental books haha. I'm not going to write about sexual stuff on here regarding you, but I think I did well overall as a guy trying to develop into a decent friend.

There's nothing wrong with pursuing friendship and it isn't dating to begin with or impeding on a person's privacy. It's a natural occurrence that's blessed by God because people need one another to connect. It's the way life is intended and despite these hick-ups, it's not like they can't be avoided anyway. To be mature about it and to be able to push through it is amazing and to have a great outlook like I do now, it's definitely not a bad agenda to go after. I think you owe me an apology man lol!

Making Sense of My Time

I'm starting to put it together now and it really comes down how I want to spend it. Mainly, I think I need to just give up on a few activities that's really taking me nowhere and exchange it for something more productive. That's pretty much the gist of it. Time is very important and I'm spending it like I have all the time in the world and doing other things too.

I pretty much need to get myself committed all over again and go from there. I have a lot of interests and accumulated a decent amount of friends. I still get lonely from time to time. I guess I'm still looking for my other half, so I wouldn't have to act stupid about my thoughts on experimenting with pre-marital sex. It's like I'm on a guilt trip because I have all of this morality issues embedded in me. I actually like it to say the truth and grateful for it, so I think I'll come to acceptance with where I'm at in that spiritual state of mind.

It looks like with dating though, I don't think the online world is really helping me that much. It's pretty tough to find someone cute and willing to go on a date with me. I might just have to look in person because the main thing I have that will throw off girls is that I'm only 5'3" which isn't that bad for my size that doesn't appear to be too short, but she doesn't know that from not seeing me in person by just looking at my online profile. Still, it's fun though to try to show it off with mainly cute girls online.

A Good Buddy Whose A Girl !!!

For the most part, it's great to have a friend I can confide in for some serious matters. She's my buddy and I've just got to know her for a few years now. I had a massive crush on her in the beginning, but over the period I learned to accept her status of being with an off-and-on partner who I don't think really makes sense, but hey it's her life and I have to respect it.

 Just being open with her and letting her know that I think she's hot or cute on some photos or something she did, she doesn't really mind. I think she likes those complements from me because it comes straight out of my heart.

I'm currently not really thinking of it with pursuing her and I'm grateful for what she is already with me. One of the awesome things I've learned from my online girlfriend who was a con artist with me and stole two and a half paychecks from me because I was stupid is that this man or woman or tranny took its time in getting back to me. Therefore, I learned to take on some patience while feeling messed up and worrying about the approach I took in texting.

These days it's not so much that I'll rush into it like I did with this sexy buddy in the beginning who I'm currently great friends with now. I'm totally chill with her now too and we're just good friends in a loving way too. Yeah, she's pretty hot and also really nice. I concur when people tell me that. I'm just thinking though that we're just friends and I'm so cool with that even though outsiders might be wondering how it's like between us these days.

Definitely, this gets me thinking that Oyuri the Schmuck has been so totally out of the loop with my life and she was just trying to make fun of me by writing comments, but I ended up just tearing her apart with stronger trash talk and made a much finer exit after setting the golden standard of how to beat a bona fide loser!

Making Sense Of My Silly, Angry Past

Basically I hate to admit on here that my dad isn't really a role model for me. I mentioned from last post that I hate his short temper, smoking, and couch potato activities. I've yelled at him back when he's done that to me and only for him to give up on me and call me annoying! He could be one of the reasons why I have such a high, addictive rate of communicating my frustrations with antagonists endlessly via messaging. I'm actually very strong at arguing my case in person too, but I'm just afraid of making myself look bad. I don't really have anything to lose now, so the scary part for everyone involved against me would be that I'm not going to hold back my verbal side with them.

I'm not really attracting negative attention anymore and my dealings with idiots have been trimming out over the years of experience I've been accumulating. It's just good to know that I feel a whole lot better these days from finally understanding that some people were just being stupid with me because I was struggling to open up.

My Identity With Talking Trash

The fact that I think my dad isn't that encouraging is an understatement. I really don't like his habits of smoking and watching TV all day while ignoring his high risk of being at type II diabetes. I really hate those things about my dad and think he's just being lazy. He also has a short hot temper which ticks me off a lot too. I've yelled at my dad when he has done it to me several times, only to really freak him out. Yeah, I'm not someone an average Joe or Joanna would want to tick off because I'll be on his or her case that is offensive and scary.

I realize who I am and I can be crazy good at talking trash or arguing my points only to make the antagonist give up on me. I can do it through verbal or writing; however with being verbal, I tend to be more laid back because when I'm writing, I would have put together all those frustrating thoughts before letting them out on the person. It's like the person is getting some hard, unwanted slaps that affects the mind and heart. I've abused that privilege a lot by continuously messaging the person who just gets fed up with it and then I end up creating fake accounts just for the sake of messaging them further to try to keep on getting even with them and then trying to take it a little too far.

I realize that I've been crazy in these incidents, but the people who I force to get along with me may be grateful for me and not wish any harm upon me on purpose.

Smack Talk From 8 Years Ago

*** Wow, I didn't know how smart I was back then. I just lacked a little confidence from holding back with actually writing this e-mail. It's definitely a wow and yeah, the guy I was talking trash to was being stupid. He's a pastor too which is unbelievable! ***

It was a mistake for me to write that repentance letter because I never knew how you would fail to be satisfied. I should have never really agreed with you in the beginning. You state stop when someone says to stop. I'll tell you to stop talking to anyone in general. Will you stop? I hope you say no. That example in itself illustrates being unreasonable. I accuse you of being unreasonable and that is why I ask you all these questions to clarify yourself.

You never really explained yourself clearly. You did not answer my questions in the beginning in a clear manner. I've asked something over and over again and you have not answered it. You have now given into it. That is why you are unreasonable. I want you to stop being unreasonable with me. If you don't stop I will take unbelievable measures against you.

That Down Feeling

When that down and bored feeling hits, I'm going to just try to pray about it and keep moving along. Over at work, I think I'm just going to focus on doing work and maybe if I have to, think about what some of my plans are going to be afterwards.

It's time for me to just de-program my mind and put myself into shape for finding time to do cool and productive stuff. My goal is to still be a millionaire with a six pack but while not wasting time and having fun and also trying my very best at it on a consistent basis. 

Things I'm Giving Up During Personal Time

This is all during my own personal time only.

Reason: I want to focus on other things.

1. Online poker

2. Porn / Masturbation

3. Games with no value

4. Television

By doing so, I think I'll get my life back. 

Blank Resolution With Oyuri the Schmuck

***I think I made a cat got her tongue with Oyuri the Schmuck. ***

Dang it let me block your account with this one lol. Don't do anything.

Oh wow, now I get it. It was a church wide misunderstanding about me lol. It's pretty dumb from a strategic point of view to message me back Oyuri [the Schmuck], but I take it that you do have a sense of humanity to want to care and write back to me. Wow some of those brothers and sisters showed true compassion with me from placing Jesus first. It's real man! Hey the tables have now turned and I have you blocked on Facebook haha. That's cool right? It's because I feel like I totally defeated you now. lol Yeahh, my hands are raised up in the air and I put it all together and despite your lack of intelligence, I do know now that you totally misjudged me.

Ready to move along and be friends again?

Another Blunt Reply to Oyuri the Schmuck

Awww, I feel that you are hurt over my messages. I'll do you a favor and block your profile. I think that's the smartest thing for me to do now. You are lying about me trying to stalk you. I was just trying to get even with you and found it through messaging people lol. Sorry, I'm glad you know there's a crazy and wild girl out there for me. She fits me just perfectly huh, the crazy rocker chick with good looks still around her 30s or maybe go really young at around her 20s. Hmm, I could go with that. Thanks for believing in me girl .  Hey, good luck with everything because I feel a whole lot better from coming clean with you and sorry for the strong language man that I used against you. What strong language? I didn't spell it out lol but you didn't get the point going on the defensive there I see it, you want to just focus on communicating your own situation. I see it now. I was having trouble girl opening up with me and was frustrated over your selfish communication style lol, but I hand it to you, you are feisty and if we did pair up YUCK, we would be called an O-YUCKI couple lol but yeah, I'd be really cute with you even though the world would look down on both of us hahah. Save us the burden and never go there hahaha. See ya babe  ... unrequited hugs and kisses for you, it's okay I get it baby.  XOXOXO


***I blocked Oyuri the Schmuck on my original account. It's for my own protection that my account wouldn't get disabled and lose all that cool stuff I have posted from good friends. ***

*** This is the stupid message Oyuri the Schmuck sent me after unblocking me like an idiot: ***

This is in case you don't get the other one from the other account you created. Leave me the f--- alone or I will take action. It's been 4 f---en years get over your damn self. I never wanted to f--- you and I never will. U must have issues due to the fact that you've been creating fake accounts to continue to harass me. If u took all that time in the past 4 years and applied it on become a better person, maybe just maybe u could have found the woman just as crazy as you to settle down with and lose your virginity to. Have a blessed life. Please stop stalking and harassing me. Ps I ain't got time to read a fake blog made by a crazy person who doesn't think they're crazy. I'm too busy actually living life.

Blunt Message to Oyuri the Schmuck

*** I can't block Oyuri the Schmuck's account for another 48 hours after unblocking it to send her this message. Really funny that she experienced it with me. ***

This is [name withheld]. That's not a big deal with you deactivating an account, but I did get a big load off my chest and feel so much better. I didn't receive a harassment notice because I expressed that I hate you and for you to stay away from me. From this account, I have your name blocked and I will do that to you again just for laughs. Yeah, I wasn't planning on writing another message to you because I was content from what I sent last time, but since you responded to me like an idiot, I'm writing another. Wow, I take it that you are a really sensitive lady and easily flustered like a dumb anime character. Okay, I chose to tease you lightly. You are mad about it now but I'm interested in being friends with you again. If you can't be my friend then you need some help to get over whatever the issue was. I had trouble opening up and you had to be dumb over it! There's nothing wrong with what I'm asking, but on a technicality you could try to deactivate this account too that I hardly use while I have your profile blocked on this one! LOL, such irony and would love to see the faces of Facebook employees skimming through this sentence with grimace. Anyway, sorry for using really strong language against you from the last post. Be careful with what you communicate because from being a guy, my fire will most likely burn stronger than yours. I can't say that I like your appearance or anything, but I will have an easier time biting back if you approach the whole situation in any way that P's me off. lol

Striving For Impossible

One of the qualities that I read a natural born leader does is that he or she tries to keep reaching after a goal that looks impossible to others. When everything seems hopeless and it's game over, the leader will keep on trying to pursue something that may seem stupid or a waste of time to others.

So what's impossible to me that makes me not a leader? Time travel, yeah I'm not going there.

Honestly

I read my own poem that got me in trouble with the idiots. I surely did them in with this poem.

Poem About Annie and Betty

They try to deceptively walk in a distance of light,
But personality seems to make them hide.
They claim to have desires of marriage,
But the attractive traits for men are not really there.

Talking to them, others will say is a waste of time.
Not for me, I want information that's more than a dime.
Tackling strategies and writing about beautiful struggles,
My personality may actually be a little too normal.

The goodness in life that is found and toughened,
It all starts with a heart that wants to be broken.
Conceiving and encouraging for the right person,
Will be beneficial and helpful for Annie and Betty.


Aftermath:

Annie and Betty acted fine and it looked like Betty was interested in getting to know me more. I guess that mean talk and then sounding nice even though it's so annoying is sort of more of a push and pull method.

It's honestly a pretty funny poem that I wrote while having trouble opening up with my stupid care group. They were dumb and arrogant brats and broke up the group. I wonder if they ever got back together again as a care group. I don't have any high hopes for them now and going to play it realistically. With me sounding more truthfully, I've been acting more meaner towards them. Maybe that's why experienced butt heads choose to be nice to certain people out of picking up on it.

Keeping Up With Schedule

Well one of the things I'm finding myself spending a little too much time over is just messing around practically. There's really not much to it. I'm laughing while texting a good lady friend (we aren't dating) and also laughing while messing around with a buddy and also laughing while writing comments on my Facebook. I guess there's a lot of laughing going around here.

One of the things that I think practicing celibacy might do for me and then just going for bed intimacy in marriage while craving it from being celibate or married to an unwilling wife, I'll be able to focus a lot more better if I can overcome it! Yeah, it's just that too dang important and difficult to achieve.

Getting out of that hyper mode and like you want to inject yourself with a syringe, but I don't even though I'm making a literary comparison; it's definitely setting up for something like the next stage of improvement with bodily functions!

By mastering the body and telling Henry Winkle-ler (the Fonz) to lie there in agony on a regular basis will definitely give you some skills to be patient and overcome an activity that just really sucks but you need it to succeed.

Something Nasty To Reveal

Masturbation doesn't feel so fun anymore. I think it's the constant sensation that just feels better from imagining it or something. I don't know what male porn stars are really thinking anymore. Well, it doesn't look like they have happy faces on either with what they call their own money shot.

Looks like on a technicality from having flawed emotions or a senseless brain now or something, I'm abstaining from masturbation. Maybe someone prayed for me to stop talking about masturbation and porn. If the person did, he or she just might have succeeded for me.

I think I'll just wait on getting married before having a wife to do that pleasant act with and start going rock and roll while tumbling around and do some crazy duets together. Yeah, it sounds romantic most definitely.

Trash Talk in Christian Mode

Hey you are the guy from Hope of God LA right? I was maybe wondering on the small Bible study groups. I've heard some things about you.

That's because I'm [name witheld] and you suck and I will beat the living snot out of you if you attack me. I will incite you to put a restraining order on me. That would be so funny. A gay looking and funny looking guy like yourself putting a restraining order because you still have issues over wanting to be my friend.

Go get some professional help dude over getting over whatever it was that you can't let go because if you did, you would have no problems being a friend. That's what I want dude and if you can't do that then too bad because I'm putting a restraining order back on you.

I am this time going to scream and shout at you and will go for making you look bad. Let's see who you really are with all the Jesus shine being run out of you and you being tempted to want to throw yourself into the lake of fire! It's going to be done by me stupid idiot. Yeah I'll call you Mr Stupid Idiot too.

I had trouble opening up and you had to be such a dufus over it! I will give you a full mouth to chew on this time with me spilling truth and love. I'm just messing half of it from talking trash, but I was having fun dude. I'll have this type of fun and I will try to drive you so crazy that you will want to lock yourself into a mental hospital and spend solitary confinement rest of your days. 

So yeah, that's me dude. I'm a fully grown man on the inside and can open up and also freely use you as a punching bag and get away with it legally if you try to attack me physically and make it look that way by inciting you. Hey, I'll be doing self-defense from the sake of making you angry and even better all for my enjoyment because I know you'll suck at defending yourself against me! 

I feel a whole lot better dude, peace. 

What's Up Dears?

I pretty much heard on a radio sermon that loving those idiotic enemies of mine will pretty much suffocate them. Not literally, but their stupidity will like fall out and so brings death to idiocy and life to a brand new friendship! Yeah! I'm just being sarcastic and humoring myself right now because it's plain funny to me.

The Dears that I'm referring to are those idiots. I might as well practice love and their humiliation through truth. Okay that was really funny to me and now I'm starting to think how funny it is to talk trash behind someone's back sometimes.

Anyway those idiotic dears can be my honeys any day by sticking their hands in a bee hive for me. They can take my bullet that was meant for me, so I can escape to live another day anytime they want to. I'll be grateful for sure still. Like an idiot they are, they won't think much and be like no, they refuse if I offer the same condition for them. I can live with me being smarter than those idiots and it doesn't have to be by much as well.

Blunt Reply To Stupid Lee

Hey everyone just replying to this very old e-mail. It's quite entertaining to see what can turn up while trying to clean up about 50 K e-mails with the majority of it being unnecessary.

Okay Darunee (Lee), dang it you confused me while sending me this e-mail. This is my last sentence from re-reading this letter before sending and I feel a whole lot better. You had placed a civil restraining order on me to try to kick me out of your church not too long ago from this e-mail. Did it work to keep me out of there? No, because I didn't want to go away quietly after that. I was upset and extremely agitated about it that I waited it out no problem because you aren't worth stalking to me. I have better things to do like read the Bible, play video games, search for a better girl to date than you, etc.

Sorry to embarrass you (Stupid) Lee, but I'm making an example out of you because that's not how you conduct yourself with someone you are having problems dealing with. You need to fixate yourself more on God's love and center that on your relationships. You need to combine truth and love and if you had done that, you would have been much more patient and successful at encouraging everyone to develop themselves with where God had intended them to go.

You telling me to go get help was very irritating because it shows yourself to be incompetent and you voluntarily forced yourself onto me thinking you knew all the answers. I'm interested in being friends with you again (Stupid) Lee because that's how I roll, but I'm thinking about not playing fair anymore if you are going to still pull those type of strings. If you can't be friends with me, it's probably because you still have problems moving on with something. Don't mean to make you look bad here Lee, sorry, but if that's the case, you should get some professional help to address what the issue was. I sure as heck don't know what it was you were holding onto with me. I kept asking to try to communicate with you and you had a misunderstanding thinking that I was trying to negotiate with you. Well, yes and no. I just cared from being sensitive about being pleasing in my relationships.           

I was definitely offended and trying to voice my opinion, but at the same time I was having trouble opening up about it. Majority of you had to be stupid about it with me! Sorry to call you Stupid Lee on my blog, but I'm hoping we make up someday in the long future. God is longbearing in suffering and patient, so love your neighbors with all your mind, heart, and soul. It's in God's commandments and if you can't live this well, then I'm going to be extremely mean to a lot of you just as Apostle John was with the religious Pharisees or Sadducees during post-crucifixion days.

Another Blunt Message

Hey Stephanie, I was driving to work and went through another non compos mentis imagination with Hope of God church in LA. It's been almost regularly and starting to just annoy me while thinking about it. I'm clearly ticked off and feel like I could do something about it to make myself happy; yet, I don't want to come across as too selfish planning revenge which would still remain legal and consistent. I don't care about digging a further hole now because I think it's already too deep. I think I'll be bossing around disturbed people, so might as well come to the acceptance that I'll be an angry bully with you guys. I'm honestly hoping that your church went through a spiritual make-over. One that would have a positive influence over me. Here's my secret Stephanie, I don't like you changing photos on Facebook especially with me being a "friend". Yeesh, that's why people have the unfollow button and I don't see why you guys have to be such buttheads about wanting to disassociate with me.

Going back to being friends again is a positive thing and if you can't, then it means you must need some help or something to move on with something. Yeah, you guys are crazy and it's driving me nuts that I just want to be all bossy with you guys now. I'm writing this because it's my temporary relief and I'm being very blunt. Whether you choose to read this or not, it really doesn't matter to me, but all of this text really affects me the most and I'm starting to take the blunt approach. It feels better and my heart wants to reach out and be friends again despite you all being stupid and making me want to cuss you guys out.

Don't Think It Matters

Okay, I'm friends with taller women and I just don't care now that they are taller than me. Or I'm just starting to get used to the idea of being the shorter man who just stays composed with himself.

I'm finding out that what I'm trying to get in excess is probably better experienced with the future wife if I ever marry. I should just leave it in the God's hands and also mine too now. I still struggle with the feelings of wanting to have sex every so often. I end up just masturbating to porn, which I'm not proud of saying but I'm just revealing this about myself. I would like to end this activity if I can before finding a hot wife.

It's sort of like a drug and something I revert back to once in awhile. It's something that I can't control too heavily and find myself in rebellion with God. I'm just wanting to turn my back then right there because my heart is incapable of listening to God's goodness or to be able to understand the promises. I think it's through this hardship that God would really like me to endure. I think through the Holy Spirit, Jesus truly wants to comfort me and give me that assurance that everything will be all right. I just haven't been able to grab a hold of it yet fully because a few things still test my patience and get me angry and wanting to think about crazy thoughts.

Planning Again

I still haven't been able to get it together with scheduling everything and staying on top. Okay I'll try to make another effort then. I sort of have a headache right now so maybe I have a slight cold or something. It could probably be that I'm just a little dehydrated right now.

I need to get back into dedicating myself again into doing what I had in mind of doing. I'm still struggling a little with wanting to marry a hot and loving girlfriend. I haven't made one yet, so I'm just coming to an acceptance with it. In the meantime, I might as well keep on trying to build myself up and prepare for the right things and to just keep on trying.

Whole Life Routine

I think the routine that I have thought up is wonderful, but all I'm missing is actually getting around to doing them daily, along with that I would like to have a lot of free time to find other things to do and give back to the community. I would seriously like to have a girlfriend now, despite me being short. Getting a lovely girlfriend is going to be no easy task from being a short dude of only 5' 3" at this young age for me. There's not going to be too many opportunities. I guess I'll let the whole world know on this site, if I do get lucky to score a really hot girl and have her marry me. Hope she won't mind the criticism that people direct at her from me just being short. Maybe she will, so maybe I'm just living a pipe dream. I think my reputation will play a large role in finding someone suitable too.

In the meantime, I could try to raise up my salary which would be very nice. I'm really trying to go after doing my own thing without having to rely on an employer for security. It's really something to just keep on trying and doing the best one can. I guess it comes down to just getting lucky with a certain opportunity. It's more like allowing for fate to just connect with one another.

Okay, so I'm waking up at around 5:10 am and get ready and I'm at work by 7. I think I could try to prepare myself for getting ready sooner and then kill a little time from being up by preparing my day or something. Then I get out of work at 4:30 pm and by 6:00 pm, I've had dinner at home.

Realizing this, I have five hours before I fall asleep and can't get up until the next day. That free time is very critical for me to use for getting ahead of the game. I would like those five hours to increase to a longer duration so I could have more fun while being financially successful and giving back to the community.

This is pretty much my unique setup that I'm still trying to master. It's not so mind boggling as it used to be: Bible reading, working out, trading, playing poker, song and music, game programming, cooking, dancing, socializing, running errands, and making plans.

These are my goals and I look to make some good money from trading and game programming. Since it looks like I'm putting off trying to get a girlfriend from being busy and also feeling inferior about scoring a hot date, I should just accept that it might never come to me and not give up by indulging myself in porn.

Progress From Yesterday

I ended up coming home and having Chinese dinner with my dad. After that I went home and ended up watching an hour of Family Feud. I do enjoy watching it and the host makes a whole lot more than the contestants. He makes about $300,000 a episode and the families can only earn up to $20,000. The show does get funny at times and it's interesting that just the final answer can make a family win the whole game.

I don't think I really have time for that game at this point in time. By the time I get home and finish dinner, I will approximately have about five hours of free time before I just wipe out from exhaustion.

I did read the Bible and make about a hundred dollars playing online poker last night. I was also playing solitaire addictively for about 90 minutes, along with minesweeper. I think I can lay off of those PC games to try to accomplish working out at least. My mind was having a hard time going out to work out, but I know I want to will myself to do it.

Honestly, I really want to complete a triathlon while being at the top shape with a bit of muscle mass and ripped abs.

Updated Tasks

My sarcastic goal is to lock up those idiots in a mental institution for life! I'm just kidding but yeah it did make me laugh for a little bit underneath.

I don't think I can really afford to watch too much TV now with the parents. From doing that activity of being a couch potato and falling asleep on the sofa, it really racks up on some unwanted pounds. My mom doesn't see that and she complains about how she works out and eats little, but doesn't get satisfactory results. Well, I can't explain it to my own mother that enough level of exercise hasn't been met. My mom is extremely weak and can't push the body hard for a good duration.

When I get home, I should be reading the Bible and getting warmed up for some trading. Right after doing that, I could get ready for a work out. After I get back, I could be playing a little online poker which I got back into and practicing some guitar and piano while trying to improve upon my singing chops by myself. I don't really get that far obviously with my singing, but it's still fun to try for me.

After doing some of that with the time I have remaining I could try to do some additional game programming and cooking. This is pretty much my routine I have going until I can get lucky enough to have a lovely girlfriend.

I'm setting aside the weekend to do stuff with cool friends pretty much and I guess relax or maybe I might be trying to polish up on a few things too. I'm also really interested in learning to dance socially too. I need to get back into that.

I'm starting to enjoy playing poker and yeah, I have to play it responsibly because losing to a better hand doesn't hurt me so much anymore. I'm going to see if I can pull up a thousand dollars a week doing that gig part time. That's pretty much the maximum amount the site will allow a player, and it seems like a reasonable figure. It's a very low figure, but I don't mind because it's just mainly about having fun.

While mixing in trading and poker and doing some game programming on the side with a top of the line computer, I can see myself branching off from my regular job to do something I enjoy daily. I think earning a stable $100,000 per month in a legit manner is definitely a doable figure for me and will be mid-level with the things I have planned and fits my comfort zone and living expectations. 

New Insight

Okay so I practically told that fake girlfriend of mine to buzz off. I don't think she gets it that I fully see her as a fake now. She tried to get me sucked back in, but nah, I'm not having it that way anymore. I think the biggest strength that we can use against scammers is to mainly have acceptance. I think my comfort level is way over the roof and I prefer to be a good guy, so I'm a very susceptible target.

We have to make precautions and from my mistake I made with this scammer, I've learned from it and won't do the same thing again. It's easy because I haven't seen her face or anything, but what will make it more difficult is if the person is someone I ended up marrying! I hope it doesn't go that far, so yeah, out of that I'm not entertaining that schemer.

Okay, so I've recovered roughly half of what I lost already from getting my pay-check. It would have been nice to still have what I lost, but from losing it, I'm made aware that I'm still doing alright with my finances and that I can plan to spend them better to pay off my bills entirely.

Planning Ahead

Well, I'm not really proud of what I did and honestly, climaxing after masturbating to porn felt great too for temporarily but now I'm starting to think that going there is overrated. I've been trending at around once every few weeks. I'm starting to accept that even though my dong is actually in pretty good shape and slightly above average in size, for being a short guy who wants to have sex with a lovely wife, it's not that likely so might as well not try to put myself in a fantasy world when I should learn to be happy from being realistic.

I'm still trying the best I can and I know that it's not good enough. I totally rely on the strength of the full Christian gospel to help me pull through. Nothing added nor taken away- the way the Old Testament and New Testament is now works for me.

My faith is basically not in the idiots at that church, but mainly in Jesus; although I love those idiots. It's because I'll still be friends with them, even though they will initially have problems accepting that about me. I feel so much better from just writing bluntly.

I'm a pretty normal guy and been told that I'm cool; therefore, I only have three lovely Asian girls who I get to hang with right now. They all aren't fat or anything. One of them already has a boyfriend and she's the hottest out of them, but she's a really cool pal to me. I don't mind her being taken actually and the physical attraction doesn't really matter to me. I love her for who she is and she has a pleasant soul. Another friend out of the trio looks like an ideal girlfriend for me on the surface; we look like a cute couple. I like hanging out with her just because of how we look to people. People mind their own business with us really and some cute girls smile while passing us, so I guess that's a great thing. A few have asked if we are dating and my friend would be like no we're just friends while laughing about it. She doesn't seem bothered by it, and I'm not too.