Message for Betty

***

Out of all the girls who I felt fed up with in the past, with Betty I decidedly chose not to give her an ugly nickname. You know the show Ugly Betty ? Well, it seems like not fair for me to associate with that and get people laughing at me anyway. 

What Betty did normally gets me mad if others did the same thing. It took awhile to register everything and finally see it at a (mature) level. I can only hope, but yeah, I feel happy and not insanely mad from sending this message. It makes sense because from the start I'm trying to prove how Betty has mental problems!

 ***

Hey it's been like 10 years and I realize you have mental problems because you were being selfish about the whole thing. It's not a big deal and you were trying to force me to stay away from you. You didn't influence any major change or make my life better so I don't care what you stood for. It seriously looks bad on you though, but it doesn't matter.

I [name withheld] have the gift of mercy. My soul groans from the Holy Spirit to get along with you, but I have an oath to fulfill with God first before I attempt in person to reconcile again. I've been polishing my craft of writing and this is one way of revealing the true heart. 

I've been reading my past messages and they aren't that bad. It really does show a lot of my confidence and while trying to make you out as a dope though lol. A black girl with AT-ti-TuDDDeee shouldn't be any different to you, but a guy trying to mask his anger with control was scary to you. It makes sense because the guy is a guy and that dude was me. 

The stuff you do normally makes people like me mad and still does to this day, but I love getting along and that's more important to me. Besides, you didn't get much accomplished to help me so I don't care. It wasn't anything personal you did to me, but you are making it personal to yourself with me. It's not serious and you are being selfish about it which shows you got mental problems. I'm only saying because I don't really care and will still be friends with you and want to work at a relationship with you. A restraining order isn't even serious to me and Lee lost her case in the end, so she looks bad without having solved anything. I don't know why you would want to resort to that like she did but anything is possible and I'm prepared to address some modifications from turning more extroverted. I'm an ambivert. Was 70% introvert but switched it up to 70% extrovert from being bored and shy about addressing unimportant topics like these with people in general. 

Hopefully that convinces you to not act up with mental problems in a naturally emotional state. It's like using words to conduct an orchestra of emotions. It's fun to win and get personal agenda across. Naturally you do have mental problems from being selfish by saying you want me to stay away from you. The situation isn't that serious if you look at it. It only makes you look horrible and I'm aware of that. It wasn't personal with me that you made and you are saying to stay away. What more bad than that can it be for you and also not that important? I have gift of mercy and I don't really care that you didn't get much accomplished and have mental problems. I want to be your friend and that's pretty darn cool to me for appeasing my soul from the Holy Spirit causing it to groan so much. 

Letting Go of Wasting Time

I'm figuring now that playing video games isn't really doing much for me anymore. No durr nor duhh, really? Playing games hasn't really done much for me except give my butt a reason to find some cushion for long hours and sitting on it! After that, my undisciplined mind sometimes wanted to finish off to some porno.

After beating my quest to win at porno, I have this confidence of a champion that when I'm feeling it for that sexual urge and fantasy, I'd rather go find a loving wife to do it with! If I ever find a loving wife in the future she's definitely going to be hot before I marry her at least. I don't know about after, but yeah, at least I will have tried to marry her while she looked hot to me.

So with that itching feeling of porno, I'm like ehh just like I told my manic depression symptoms and now they just like sit in the sidelines until I do something more stimulating like making money while I'm feeling bored! I'm a professional IT personnel and happy to be bonafide with it.

Optimizing Time Management

Basically, it's to not smoke weed all day and drink beer while wasting away precious money. Yes, I don't do those things. I don't think I've ever been awake enough to feel drunk. I just pass out while feeling really mellow.

I'm not someone who thinks drinking and feeling buzzed is so cool. I already feel that way because like I said, I might have or not have had bipolar disease. I definitely felt a whole lot of euphoria and major depression to the point of suicide from hearing voices in my head that said I was gay in the tenth grade! I had so much hormones going on for me and feeling so much pressure with trying to get into a great college and have fun playing video games without knowing what the heck I was doing!

I think at one point I tried suffocating myself hoping that would make the voices saying I was gay drown! It didn't work, but I took some miracle pills and it worked! I even forgot I had something like schizophrenia. It was probably a mixture of bipolar in it too. I mean I feel sad to recall that event for me and to talk about it. It does make people want to laugh though and yeah, it was a long time ago where those days felt too serious with everything just so elevated in a stressful playing field for me.

I'm just glad I got through it and it was like at it's initial and retarded stages for me, and the fact that I identified it and asked for help early and got it taken cared of, I feel so fortunate to not have to face that predicament anymore. It's really sad because one of my cool friends actually has schizophrenia and I can relate so much, but what sucks is that the cool person didn't report it early on and left it hanging thinking it was from a ghost or something. The person's voices inside the mind are like on their advanced stages, which proves the person is very bright to me but just distracted because of those debilitating voices. Comparatively, I remember how my own voices felt like I was listening to something real and was like someone shouting at me from a distance. It was like an echo and when I would turn, no one was there and I'd be like what the heck and this is so wrong and scary and that I'm sad for feeling this circumstance.

The great story I have is that I turned to prayer and on one of those crazy nights, I heard a vivid and assuring whisper, and it said that everything was going to be alright and then all the voices just backed down before firing back up again! I prayed for God to tell me everything was going to be alright and I got my answer. Even my mom read the Bible which was weird from feeling some sort of spiritual energy again and she said she stayed up all night to read it once and was going through it a second time. I was like "What?"

Well, after being fully healed of hearing those voices and completely forgetting about it to become a major butthead in my own way with my sister and a few weird friends, I turned to witnessing for Jesus. I didn't know what I was doing and it wasn't in my comfort zone, but I'm glad I put in the time to go after it. The fire has died down a lot for me, but I still believe in the Lord very heavily and try to study the Word and pray about my ordeals.

Basically prayer should be thanking God first in worship and then praying for someone and then thinking about how to be humble for myself in relation to this person being a jerk to me!

Making Best Out Of My Time

I guess currently I'm realizing that after generating traffic somehow from last week on this blog, now I've got nothing but pretty boring stuff to say to not really hold anybody's attention. There's really no value in it for them, but for myself mainly incidentally. I guess that's just how it's going to be.

The fact that I'm just writing- well, I'm realizing that people have mental problems because well people like to be selfish in general. That's all there is to it. I mean I was probably misdiagnosed with bipolar disease or maybe I had it. I think it was a mix with schizophrenia. Yeah, I heard voices that accused me of being gay. I thought it was like the end of the world for me and became super depressed. I got rid of those voices in my head in about three months and became on fire after that not too long after.

With my relationships with people who made me mad because I would normally get angry about the stuff they did to me, it took awhile to get over it without resorting to therapy. I felt like if I was to go to see a therapist, I would have tried to punch his lights out after hearing some recommendations. Anyway, it only took about ten years to finally feel that green light and lift it out of my system while laughing about the whole incident.

I'm still angry but at least I understand those people who made me mad over stuff I get mad about in general a lot better. It was personal with what they did to me, but for me onto them it wasn't that personal to be angry about. They even said they weren't angry and lying about it with me. They were just being selfish and because of it, they have mental problems over this incident and other stuff that's too annoying for them to deal with and block out of their heads.

If this is what makes me reasonably mad and I'm still willing to make peace with them and explain the situation in a wise manner now while generally laughing and communicating with them nothing but the truth while being comfortable with them, yeah, with this long sentence- yeah, it's a definite heck yeah that I know what I'm doing now and don't have to listen to a paranoid buddy about it anymore.

Moving Forward

I ended up buying some waterless car cleaning wax and took me only about 30 minutes to complete. The car does look shinier than before and I'm happy with the look. It's not perfect because I was trying to run through it fast, but the amount of effort I put into it isn't so fast.

I'm practically using a spray bottle so yeah it does include water to clean the car. I don't put that much of the solution in and I've had it for weeks so it lasts quite awhile. The second thing I'm doing is applying wax. After polishing the car with those two things, I'm rinsing it off with a dry towel and that's how my finish looks.

It's pretty cool actually. I guess I need to just move forward then and that's what it's about for me. Trading wise, yeah it's what I would love to make a living off of and something I see myself doing as a business. It's just playing a game to win money off of other people, mainly anybody participating in the game. Because of major players being banks and other large brokers, I guess I feel no shame in taking some of their money. I can turn that into a business and don't mind at all. I'm not sharing too much with what I know though because I don't want anybody to get into it.

With the free time it can afford and my style of preferring not to put that much effort into it, if it makes me pretty good dividends then I'll be happy with that. Making millions trading and doing stocks and different types of chart trading. I can make a living off of doing that and not spending that much time on it. I would love to do that.

I'm also grateful to have a decent skill with programming too. I guess I'm thankful to the Lord for where I've come and hopefully I'll be reaching financial freedom if not a millionaire in the near future. I'd like to contribute to God's kingdom as a giver and one who discerns principles. I don't have a calling to be a pastor or elder. I have way too much loose thinking with drinking alcohol which I don't believe in, but I can drink it socially so I don't want to throw people off because of that. I don't really mind hookah occasionally either because it isn't addictive, but still people can get wrong ideas. I also don't mind being friends who swear and do crazy stuff, which I don't believe in doing so that can also throw people off. On and on and on, I'm happy to be serving the Lord with loose accountability and in the closest. I prefer blending in and being like a spy in this world. If push comes to shove, I'll gladly give my life though if anyone says being a Christian requires the death penalty. I'm grateful for what Jesus has done for my heart. He's really changing me and inspiring me to be better!

Determining My Headed Path

I think the secret to all my success with relationships is to just place Jesus first. Thanks to the Holy Spirit, I am groaning with the Lord a lot and possess a forgiving characteristics with people who acted dumb with me like Lee. People who made mad in other words; I can still forgive them for their annoying behavior and try to be friends with them.

It broke my heart and at the same time made me super mad to get a restraining order. I mean I'm laughing about it now. I got it from Lee and I've been sending her messages. No, the cops haven't come over and yes, she's received those messages from me. It's confirmed by her blocking me on her Facebook page. It's funny to me now, but I was so aggravated by that. It's just that Lee didn't get much accomplished from doing that and she couldn't get me arrested. I even made her scream by attending one of her services and making a scene. It was so hard to do man. I was sweating bullets, but glad I got that out of the way. One of the great things is that I didn't do anything after getting a restraining order and it just fell out. It's really simple. If someone puts a restraining order on you, then don't do anything and the person will look stupid if you bring it up later after it's gone and want to make him or her look bad.

I figure with my anger issues of getting along with everybody, I'm not a killer but an angry lover. I might as well just express the truth and get it out there. I don't really care what Lee did. It wasn't that serious, but she looks bad and I don't care about that either. I just want to be friends because it feels good for me and I believe it's part of my groaning spirit from believing upon the Holy Spirit to keep attempting to reconcile with her. If she puts another restraining order on me after failing to extend the first one, then I don't care because she isn't solving anything anyways by principle. I might as well have fun making fun of her and bring up all the offensive reasons why I wouldn't want to stalk her in general to entertain the audience and also talk about how she's stupid to the judge.

Making Money In Forex Trading

I've basically tested it out yesterday and it turned out that all my trades were positive and half of them went back against me and made me take a toss. The good thing is that the other trades that did well made twice as much profit so I'm still in the money.

I'm now figuring my methods to mainly just be two things for the reading the market. It's using candlesticks to confirm support and resistance and calculate the risk to reward ratio. The second thing is using trend lines to determine where everything is headed. That's pretty much it for me which is cool! 

Understanding Time Management

Well my bowling did really well yesterday for being an amateur. I was able to bowl 175 which isn't that bad for someone whose tossing just a 12 pound ball at 18 miles an hour! Yes seriously, I have bowled to 18.81 miles an hour as well on occasion too. It's fun to try to pop the pins. Also, I'm only 5'3" so I guess being short doesn't really have to do with not being able to bowl fast. I think I proved that to others who just look at me sometimes and smile and when they see me making strikes and my expressionless behavior.

I also do like a dance too sometimes while moving up the bowling lane. People really start smiling when they see me do that. It's all fun and games after all and yeah, it's cool dude!

Okay, so now I have to figure out how to make money in the most efficient manner and work hard for it. What I'm seeing that makes sense is basically using the Internet to conveniently try to market something for free and attract people to it and then from those high numbers, get some sponsors to try to make money off of them as well for a fee of course.

I diligently tried to play poker and I had a nice small run but yesterday I fell into a rut playing against good poker players. It's pretty hard to make money off those situations. There's nothing I can do about it but all I can say is that I played it well and walk away with nothing. It's a fact of life with contingency and everyone faces this drawback, including Jesus! It's just that Jesus knew what he was doing and he was in control which completely fooled the devil as the Bible reveals.

Regardless of having lost only four bucks with the potential to earn $8 in less than an hour's worth of play action with good cards and luck, poker is still a fun game playing against players who are pathetic at calculating odds. I mean I had the upper hand most of the way and yeah, sure, people will think otherwise; yet, it drained some of my time. Poker is like playing MTG in a way but using money as a means of winning. I was flirting with the possibility of turning poker into a career with my other entreaties, but with excellent players competing for cash also it really holds constraint on my most valuable commodity at the moment- personal time.

Have To Watch Out For

Okay, I'm comfortable with acting cold towards a hot girl lately. By her appearance alone, I'm like stating I'm interested in dating her practically on a website. This doesn't seem to have any appeal at all for those girls who are probably used to it from others guys. I'm just not really sure though and it doesn't really matter that much, but I'm just not hoping to land a girl who is slightly overweight. It just seems to me that she has some personal issues with it or wants to ignore it completely. I don't really dig that type of personality. I'm someone who wants to go work out at a gym daily and take protein shakes to grow muscles and improve on cardio as well.

I still get perverted feelings every once in awhile with wanting to peek at hot bodies. It's an urge where I end up just searching on google for published nude photos of models or celebrities. Some of them look really good to me. It can be arousing, but now I don't really see the point for edging because I'm confident with my ability to hold it long as I want with a logical technique I practiced to obtain. This isn't something to boast about for me. With my relationships, I don't really have any sexual intentions with the girls I'm hanging out with. One of them is really cute and the other used to be hot when she was more slender. I didn't think she looked that way in the past, but still she has some really good selfies of herself and they are pretty. I mean I'm tempted just a bit every once in awhile, but it's not that serious to me. Just an imagination to get carried away with sometimes, but not give into because I am totally for sex in marriage.

Just from having been stupid and developed something male porn stars can do, I gained confidence to not need to edge to porn anymore. I still have those sexual drives of wanting a loving wife with strong sexual urges too sometimes. This one girl I'm developing interesting feelings for is sweet and resourceful. She's also a cool friend who likes to bust out laughing with me, so I find that fun about her. I just don't know really at this point what I'm looking at, but hanging with her is fun so that much I know so far.

Just Simple Planning

I guess it's difficult enough to try to find the proper routine for me without having emotions or other distractions get in the way of things. I think I just have triggers that set into place out of habit. I just would really like to make the most out of things. I'm definitely not some guy who attracts attention all the time. I'm basically someone who gets overlooked a lot in the popularity contest. I'm not someone who is really that into it. Maybe that's what friends around me feel.

I guess I'm someone who doesn't really stand out despite all the hard work I put in. I'm not looking to be a pleasing person to everybody, so I guess it only makes sense for there to be someone who I hardly know to not be interested in me as well. I think it's only normal to do that from not feeling connected or something.

I guess the views no matter how contradictory or frustrating they may be, it all comes down to arguing the points really well. I'm someone who likes to go after the winning view. It does provide a sense of relief for me, even though the situation isn't that bad. So I guess after all, even though my friend count may be small in number, it's not really that bad to be hanging with girls who aren't that bad looking at least to me.

Oops

Well I definitely forgot to finish off the month to average once a day. It's hard enough to get it, but okay I guess. I just get those moods every once in awhile. I'm really having some difficulty getting a happy routine going for me. Like yesterday, after having gone bowling, I ended up eating dinner and spent my evening watching the video game Silent Hill 2 play through. I felt it was like important to me.

Well now that's over, I'm trying to create my own personal schedule to manage my time. Hopefully I get it soon.

Winning Attitude

Well with Lee, who I'm just bringing up because this thought from the past is coming to resolve itself these days, I just have to thank the Lord for providing me with a wonderful opportunity to develop my problem solving skills as a programmer. I love my line of work.

Lee looks I mean crazy bad and it's not even serious on my end. It's all because she ended up failing to do something to me. She also went against God's principles while being mad so yeah, she had a bit trouble with self-control. It's crazy because whatever I said sometimes it would just set her off in the wrong direction. It didn't matter whether I was trying to be nice or defiant. I'm sure she hated me not listening to her and that's what made matters worse. She thought she had some God-given authority over me, and I thought that was a bunch of nonsense. Oh well, I forgive her for her dumb and unkind conduct with me. Besides, she didn't get that very far with whatever she was trying to accomplish with me. It also didn't turn out to be that serious. On top of that, it's a huge minus to everyone who supported Lee's cause. Like a domino effect, they all fall down.

Just because Lee sucked and was unreliable, I'm not mad about the incident anymore. I just hate to lose friends and was totally frustrated by the outcome that it was leading to with my relationships at that church. I'm more understanding about it now and wish to just be friends. I'm watching my back with these people though, that's for sure!

Getting Back Into Order

I've honestly learned to not really care that much with being selfish over the little things now. What I want though isn't that serious but it's not really ethically a bad thing, so I'll just say that I'm not easily so angered by it anymore. This is going to make it a lot easier for me in dealing with the people in my past who made up problems with me.

I get crazy over people deleting me as a Facebook friend. It just means to me that something isn't right by it and I see staying friends on that social media site as at least being on neutral terms with each other. If they accepted me once, but then later on they decide to delete me then I'm thinking I must have done something wrong to them and it makes me mad for that reason.

It's not really that serious though because after all I do want a relationship as a friend. I'm not really seeking so much after the guys anymore as I used to, but there a few still out there I really want to have some words with. Even if the person that I happen to have been acquainted with and want to be friends with doesn't want to be my friend, I get angry over that too. I mean what's the big deal of being just friends on a social media site if we're just acquaintances? It's not that serious to add, but if you don't want to then it must be you are having trouble dealing with something. It's not like I'm totally worried by it and hate you because of it. I like to be understanding, so it just means to me that the person is conflicted about something and having trouble managing those emotions.

I just want to be friends on a social media site even if it means not really being that close. Especially if we met once or twice in person and nothing bad came out of it. I guess I'm sensing they are being paranoid about something and they really shouldn't have to be so insecure about it. It's not really a big deal to just be friends and it just makes me mad that they have to make such a big deal about something to delete people as friends on Facebook.

Observance With Time

When I tell myself that I'm going to just dabble a little with playing video games, each time, it's turned out with me spending hours man! After that, it's like I'm so tired and sleepy to do anything else. I just knock out in my boxers or sometimes even in my work clothes. I don't remember how I got there when I wake up sometimes.

This is what I'm realizing now. It's like when I'm about to get carried away with something, it feels like I'm spending so little time but instead it ends up being a whole lot of time! This is what I'm trying to be more mindful of these days and I like it.

I'm fortunate to feel a lot of luxury with playing video games because it's definitely affordable. However, I want to aim for greater things and work hard at it. I guess I'm just trying to read my heavily stashed hard drive. I have so much topics on there like how to win at gambling (nearly impossible), grow taller ( also nearly impossible), getting the hottest girl of your dreams ( triple impossible almost), and make millions (actually it's doable). I'm just reviewing up on topics with how to make so much money and getting ideas to start my own gig. I would really like to make programming a living for me. I'm working as a coder now.

I'm also a pretty charitable guy but after being scammed by a person who continues to call me "Baby, I love you" with text messages. I'm not buying it, but I'm just being amicable. I'm just being much more cautious. I'm serious about my generosity. I would love to go to medical school to learn how to operate on people and do it for free! If it's a life or death situation and an emergency, it would be just out of charity. If the person is a well-known dangerous criminal then yeah, I think I'll try to operate so that the person stays alive but can't use a gun in the end!

Hmm..Quest Fulfilled?

I'm back to the recovery block again with abstaining from porno. I lasted about a week. I guess it didn't take that long for me. What killed me was my desire to do some edging and I managed to last 25 minutes. Nothing to really boast about. I know how to control it now and there's a technique that I am able to logically put to use. I can also release when called on command. Heck, I have the ability to be a male porn star now from practicing but don't want it. Again, with this ability and being slightly above average, it's nothing to really brag about, but yeah, I beat my quest of getting this task out of the way.

I don't have to be a premature bomber now if I ever get married. I know how to control it, but yeah, again it's nothing to flaunt my way about. Okay, because of that and that actually I was able to control it while feeling at ease and conscious with everything- just because I think it's immoral based on my own beliefs, I feel really dirty.

I even prayed to God to get this answer man! Okay, I have it now so time to move on and not come back to it. It's like packing my goods up and keeping it in a storage unit for later use. I don't think I'll need to dust it off very much. With this whole being turned on thing now with hot girls, I'm actually quite used to it and see it as normal! There's only one drawback though; a girl doesn't stay that hot for long unless I'm really into her. It looks like falling in love might seriously come into play for me. It's besides just going for physical and chemically induced intimacy with a partner.

Watching that "Survey says" game Family Feud, it said that women don't really care for their lover to be concerned about sex. This basically means then that hanging out and laughing while having fun being together like expressing love and cooking for her or even putting on some dance moves to entertain her is what they value more. Basically, sex is not on the top of the list for a typical woman.

This gets me thinking that this one friend I'm getting these interesting feelings for is not really into sex. She's probably thinking it's more for raising a family then something pleasurable. She's fun and super cool to hang out with, so I guess a relationship growing from that doesn't seem too bad after all.

Interesting Prayer and Application

I feel like I'm ripping myself off from masturbating to porn for the sake of edging. I think it would be better to have a hot wife who wanted sexual activity a lot first. Maybe some would think she's a curse, but I think it make the marriage a lot more healthier and creative with the different ways of expressing love making. I've had to learn something hard while swallowing my pride though. It's really having an open mind to different possibilities while accepting myself through laughing about being so short compared to the guys that I believe most hot ladies would want to marry for their physical attributes.

I'm also laughing now about myself being led to the possible predicament of a wedding ceremony. I think my best man might be another short guy too! Maybe I could let my presiding pastor be an over-towering minister who is still single to wed us just for fun. I don't know, but I'll just make the most of it while laughing about feeling some shortcomings. It feels a lot more assuring from having laughs like that and it also helps you stay happy and healthy emotionally. Maybe this is one of the many possible applications for why some interesting and hot girls like to laugh and are attracted to funny guys. It's also obvious to me that they want a guy they are attracted with to also show they are genuinely interested in them and later down the road, if she ends up falling for him to tie the knot.

I guess instead of living the average guy's routine with high ego issues and big appetite for sex, it would be better to go after a first-rate Christian life. It probably doesn't make sense to some people, but for me I see the long term benefits with it. It just feels a whole lot better and relief to be able to do so. The mind is able to stay calm when a crisis comes around and to genuinely be a helpful person to someone who desperately needs it. It's just from out of love, but there are also those devils out there who might be concealing their interests and depressed. From knowing who the person is, I guess it comes down to consulting with the Word of God for proper application in that situation.

I'm a born leader and it's all thanks to my Napoleon complex! I am the initiator and the one who encourages the pack of other deserving leaders. While I try to reason with the Lord, I'm now very comfortable about my sexuality. It's full-on straight! If the first-rate life isn't what I'm getting, then I might as well just suffer and go for living as intended and how it could have been even if I don't have it. I'll be a sad monkey but it can't be that bad because I have the Word of God to consult and lots of praying I could do to complain to the Lord. It's basically living in the truth and trying to deceive oneself about it is a sin and ripping yourself off. It's just not worth it to me anymore.

With my work and play application, I'm going to try a new model which is finding pleasure in my work. That will be my reward then, from just working at something I'm interested in doing. At the same time, take breaks by meeting up with people and doing other stuff and not fretting if they are unable to meet my requests.

Since I take on enjoying video games, playing MTG a lot, and watching cool shows, I might as well just take on a form of hard work that's an attempt to earn money so I'll also be able to balance out that love I have for it. I'm going to try this model which is finding pleasure through working hard to gain money for it. I'll be looking for some paid gigs later down the road with my knack for playing the piano.

Regrets From Yesterday

Well, I'm happy that I got off of work early yesterday. That's something I definitely don't regret. What else do I not regret? No, I'm just kidding. I regretted watching television with my parents and it felt like a long time after awhile.

I then ended up playing MTG with my spiced up deck. The only changes I made it to is that I diced it up a lot, so that means I actually significantly made changes to it. Normally, one would expect something from reading and then some detail just hits you which is actually annoying to some or could be quite funny because of the lack of seriousness. Imagine doing this with something a lot more serious. Actually, from my experiences, I've never had anything too serious to deal with so I wouldn't be able to know. Yeah, I think they would think I'm a jerk if I acted out in that manner.

Funny now though because I fed my foes more insecurities from responding in that manner to them. They incorrigibly labeled it as their own ammunition. These are my presumptions that I am putting out. The only proof I have is that they just kept on yelling away at me, so that's my explanation after trying to put everything together.

Okay, so the only regret was mainly watching too much TV and my parents were there. Man, it was boring and I just felt that burn of just watching TV so I just got up and left them. I have better things to do fortunately, which isn't depressing.

I seriously need to find a way to manage my personal time better and to be more efficient at it. Yeah, that's what I personally need these days. I'm still thinking about how I could skim through reading the Bible verse by verse with Dr. McGee's commentary of the whole Bible which is a blessing to the Christian community! I just love how he approaches popular topics and it's just made so relevant today even though he's super old and dead right now. He would be 114 years old, if he was still alive which is remarkable. He wouldn't be that old, I think if he was still around.

E-mail Corrections

I recently stated on here that I was going for deleting 30,000 e-mails. Well, from an old e-mail I wrote back a little awhile ago, I said that I was looking through 50,000! Man, that's a lot and now I'm down to about 2,000. That's a lot better than it was before considering that I was going for deleting 1,000 a day and it took me almost three to four months to get to where I am now.

For deleting those e-mails, I went through the subjects individually and marked the ones I wanted to keep. Some of those past e-mails were so compelling or even so irritating that I just read it again and recalled some of the past. It's like a blast from the past and I'm glad that I did it because I got a kick out of my old responses. I realized that I was a really shy kid who lacked money and confidence. There was definitely quite a bit of interacting with ladies, including my dorky little sister who was afraid of showing me up! My Napoleon complex was heavily upon my sister and I felt indirectly guilty about everything with everyone because of it. It felt like I was a Hulk in my body and with the hormones I deceptively felt I was stronger than everybody else. Well, being in the early 20s, it doesn't seem too far off because that probably is everybody's strongest years.

I regret not studying and trying my best those years. I know I could have been a "good" one. I even had opportunities with a few girls. I guess what turned me off was that they weren't many Korean girls I was fond of. I even had taller Korean girls add me as a friend and interested in me with their sweet behaviors, but I was like no man too tall for my ego! I'm only 5' 3" and Korean girls are among the tallest Asian females in the world. Not that long after, I met a Vietnamese girl where their average is shorter than my height; she was definitely a cutie and had a sexy flair with her attitude and she even came onto me. I was like nah and she settled for a tall Vietnamese guy; he looks pretty adorable for a guy to be honest now that I think about it from a girl's perspective.

I've been around and acting stupid with masturbating to porn for trying to kill a short order to my perceived hot sex with my own spouse in the future. Have I made some progress? Well yeah, but it's totally contradictory to what I personally believe in. It's like falling in love with a dangerous drug. It's pleasurable, but at the same time ripping something out of my own innocence. The recovery time is fast though, which is a relief. Just a few weeks and the bodily systems is like going crazy for the love of my life, if only she was really there.

I was like interested in looking at Chinese porn because of the censors! I know I won't find any from North Korea though. I was venturing into it and it's like watching a decently-acted soap opera with a lot of female nudity but no explicit penetration. Some of those actresses have really attractive bodies. However, those actresses are probably not the same looking anymore and older and how could I even sleep with them all? It's just leading myself into a path of depression if I dwell on the truth, so why should I continue to do voyeurism? It's fun momentarily, but then just turns into a cooler contradiction.

I guess it's one of my vices for me and whatever loose interpretations or beliefs those performers are hanging onto, may God bless their souls with them having a transformed heart for the things of the Lord!

Going For Profitting

I have targeted my three areas of interest now. It's going to be a lot of hard work and I will tire out easily, but I think from taking breaks and being patient about it while not giving up, it will pay off in the end. Plus, I enjoy doing it so I think that's what is the most important.

So here's my Top 3 for earning a living now.

1. Programming : I went to school to train myself to be a coder. Regardless of how much I felt bad about bombing midterms and procrastinated daily, the time I put into it by sitting at my computer while being an introvert and thinking about how to solve some programming problems, getting all of those programming things to work was so cool! I didn't think I could use what I learned to conveniently translate it into a living. I was also burnt out at the time and didn't want to have anything to do with it for awhile. Now I'm back into it and love the challenge. It doesn't really bother me so much anymore.

2. Trading: I have targeted Forex for now, but it won't be limited to other possible markets out there in the future. I have all the right information to practice and for spending like over $10,000 to try to get a business going, well I did have a decent run. Okay it's not too bad in the end. I just opted for trying to get free information after being gullible to some marketing schemes. I'm fortunate though that I got refunded a few times and this one trader was just good at marketing his products but it now seems like he knows squat! I know the direction I want to take with Forex now after trying to test everything and continuously learning that 99% of the products out there don't work. With the convenience sample of looking for information, I think I personally landed gold which is just reading candlesticks with pivot points and drawing trend lines to spot some trades.

3.  Internet marketing: well, there are sneaky and also legitimate ways to game the Internet for money. It's really all about making money and by setting up a site while generating traffic to it and posting ads on there to an audience while providing service, it's pretty much all there is to it with that being an idea. Basically monetizing with cool ideas that attract a crowd and from doing some research on it, it really doesn't hurt actually.  I'm primarily a programmer, so I think the products that I will end up trying to sell will just be my own original software that appeals to people. I might even research and compile some edited videos as well in some popular fields of interest. It sounds fun and try to make some income off of it. I guess there are plenty of ideas out there to search for like in forums.

A lot of ways for earning cash will be basically diversified and a total time consumer. The fact that I can't really download every single information into my brain. I'm just going to have to be pragmatic about it as possible and spend time organizing my ideas and putting it to use. This also means that I'm going to have to lay off of my Dragon's Crown days. I also want to work out and play the guitar and piano while becoming a decent chef with healthy and delicious dishes. I would also like to maintain my looks as well too. There's so many things for me to do, while also hanging out with cool friends. I guess it's easy to be under appreciated by some friends sometimes; people are selfish in general and they can be still hurting on the inside sometimes.

Staging A Comeback

In my imagination, I'm just being a jerk yelling at people who don't want to be my Facebook friend. Trying to understand them has been a hassle and it's been annoying to them with me asking them blameworthy questions. They're just feeling some hormones that want to make them complain and run away from the situation. I know what they're feeling because I can relate to them.

It's not that serious and they were just afraid of me taking it too seriously to the point that they would end up getting killed by me. It's pretty much straight forward, and if I want them to still be my friend, it's important for me to open up to them and let them know that I can relate and totally fine with it.

With Lee, she just felt that I could do better but was so annoyed by how I was responding to her. She took information from a source she thought was reliable, but in the end became a bit paranoid about it with me. She entrusted the wrong people at that moment because she was in a vulnerable state of mind with being angry about how some people weren't living up to her standards. Don't get me wrong, she's just as bad too in living up to other's expectations. It's too much and stressful and she was trying to lay all of that on me while thinking I could handle it.

I know I can handle it and it's just that her source of information was unreliable at that moment. She became paranoid and couldn't drop the thought out of her head. In terms of technicality, Lee was basically being a crazy person, but I enjoy putting a person at peace with me. She's definitely going to have a hard time with me, if I end up trying to talk to her and stuff. She's going to feel uneasy and uncomfortable and try to get people to stop me. In the end though, she couldn't get much accomplished and because of that she already looks bad. With me being able to know that and tell people the same thing about how she failed, Lee isn't going to be keeping anybody by her side a little quicker in time. In the end, I get what I want which is just helping her to be a good friend with me.

This sounds all good and dandy now that I've recovered fully and am very confident and aware of my social and emotionally subjective capabilities; however, Lee might not be at that location I want her to be at anymore. There really isn't anything I can do about it, except just learn from this past situation which was so bothersome to me. I have a morally upright standard that I can't refuse. I made an oath to God and it's something I must keep. It's keeping me naturally away from Lee and the people she involved. Hopefully, I'll fulfill the oath ASAP now. People praying against me in God's name don't really worry me anymore. If you shine in God's light, who can really stand against you? No one.

  

Encouraging Truth

My e-mail inbox has been cluttered with useless e-mails. From the past 15 years that I've had the account, it's accumulated more than 30,000 e-mails. I ended up cleaning out my inbox by willing myself to delete 1000 e-mails a day that I didn't need anymore. After about two months, I'm now down to 5000.

Breaking a task into something manageable proves it to be very convenient in the end and rewarding as well. It's like simplifying a goal continuously and making effort to do a job well done. Only by laboring consistently, you then end up seeing the goal that isn't too far away from obtaining. The prize is obtaining the goal which is precisely the reason why I play video games to beat it. It feels great definitely.

Now that I'm working at developing a personal time management system, it really does come down to making a comfortable living in the end and that makes sense to turn it in a priority while associating with cool people to have fun with.

For my personal goals, I really do want a high-level athletic body and to maintain it. For earning a living, I'd like it to be fun and who really doesn't. It's just that all of those good things require a lot of time and hard work. I think it's well worth it to me.

Finding a love to marry is like working out through another maze for me. It's been quite a journey and to actually have a friend that I'm finding myself having a liking for, it's really cool actually. She doesn't have to be the best looking for me. I don't really care about her appearances or how she sounds. She's been looking quite attractive to me lately though and think it's fun to hang out with her. It doesn't matter if others tag along with us; I don't really mind. I just like how we look together around people.

Withdrawal Symptoms

What I'm noticing now is that spending time on something, time just flies by really fast. It's really going to take a vision or foresight to overshadow my activities and manage time properly.

While craving for sexual activity last night, I managed to walk away from not looking at porn which has been my go to. This is just the first day again. Life is hard so might as well accept it. There's no need to place personal expectations on friends for something that would be displeasing if they didn't.

I have read somewhere that during the first three days, the withdrawal symptoms for wanting to look at porn will be at its highest. I have passed those days with flying colors so many times. It's like I'm wearing a chip on my shoulder all because I'm afraid of premature ejaculation. I don't even have a wife to worry about right now and was just thinking that I could plan light years ahead or something like that.

It seems really stupid for me to do that because I figure love factors in a lot too and that it has to do with more than just having sexual fulfillment.

Goals 101 to Goals 9999

I'm skipping to graduating with my class of finishing goals right away. I'm taking the class Goals 9999 now instead of Goals 101. I've been failing Goals 101 and like a person whose so full of it that I am, I'm boosting myself up to infinite levels of peril.

I have goals with my video games. I feel so sheepish. I can push those aside and do something else. Like yesterday, I got out and did some bowling. I also played my piano for about an hour and I was rocking with a metronome. It's one of those self-winding devices that sound to indicate a basic quarter note for keeping time. It's fun really to stay in tempo while trying to read and play a difficult music sheet.

I then ended the night while playing my character HitMan01 on my PSP Vita. He's rocking and dealing like 5 K damage max per hit to enemies that surround him. He shouts Rawrrr each time I push the square button simultaneously. He then charges the air after jumping up to three times in a row. It's so funny to do that with a full house of online players in the same stage with me. I'm playing Dragon's Crown and I have no vendetta about my dumb foes in real life joining me to play with me. We can conquer enemies in the online world together! In the real world, you (the dumb foes) need time to recover with your lack of knowledge to get along with people!

Yeah, I ended up doing the nasty with myself. It took about 10 minutes. I was trying to outlast it and break my record. It's a lot easier and I think would be looser grip in the real world instead of that tight feeling that comes from dating Jill. It feels like I'm neutering myself, so yeah I should stop. I should just give up with that nonsense and be like hey baby to my wife if I ever get married, we're making a baby really quick if that night ever gets to me. Just screw it man, love comes with a cost anyway and I'm a sinner who will be expensive to marry for a reluctant, ugly woman! She needs to be hot!

Secretly though (no secret just honest), I just want to fall in love and if she stays chubby after pregnancy then yeah, she's my girl I'm taking care of and with that frustration, I'll go take it out on my dumb foes to practice and tire out my Napoleon complex. My girl won't have to exercise, but she has to eat right and take some daily walks with me; she'll also get encouragement to run with me even though she doesn't have to exercise daily, but still she'll be getting so much words of encouragement from me then and I'll even cook delicious and healthy food that she likes if she goes out with me to do those activities.

Man I Want Some

Man I want to get some pretty bad sometimes. I have to wait though because of my personal belief and trust with God. I need to wait to get married before I have sex! Not to just any woman, I actually want her to look hot! It would be bomb if she was nice too. Okay, finding a girl like that is going to be hard for me because I'm trying to look for someone much older than high school. Okay, maybe out of college and maybe few years with a career too.

If she's not working out anymore or implying that she's with some bad diet then umm, yeah if she's looking hot there, then umm tough choice for me I guess.

Ultimately though, I'm trying to fall in love with a hot girl who happens to be nice. I don't care about the appearance really. No really, I don't. I look at hot girls and go like ehh so why still? It's because it gets easier if she's hot so why not make it easier on myself.

Time Management Setting

Well it turns out that article I read in under five minutes for time management just may have been a blessing. Listing out the stuff I'm writing down with doing, for my rewards part I'm just putting down a 'little random fun', so there you have it for my list of tasks.

Every little different thing I'm willing myself to do because I don't feel like it, I'm rewarding myself with a little random fun before moving on to the next thing. In the mean time, I'm making some progress with my messaging of ladies. Man, I'm like turning into a player! That's just how I feel, but I just mentioned to them that I want to just be friends because they were crazy with me, but I'm cool like that and like making crazy people turn cool with me. It feels so good for me, so that's why I'm doing it. Especially making a crazy girl turn into a solid friend with you, hmm, maybe she'll end up giving up her life for me or something. A cool prospect like that would definitely be something.

I understand that with our annoyances with one another, it's better to put it aside and work at a relationship. Those former crazy girls would technically be in a relationship with me as good friends because they are straight. From having played an evil dating sim game online, it goes from acquaintance to good friends and then girlfriend or sex buddy. The grand finale of that game is the main character enjoying sex in the form of animated porn. Boy, this can get creative.  

Time Management Issues

I was mostly tired throughout the day and just ended up taking multiple naps to recover. Now I'm six hours in and don't feel satisfied with my day.

I ended up watching some golf, eating food, playing a little bit of MTG, sleeping some more, and watching porn for like 10 minutes after being bored with masturbating. I was interested in seeing if watching porn would make masturbating go by quicker and it did. Trying to go for seconds proved to be very boring and felt like would take quite awhile so I quit.

Yeah, it's wrong for me to do that and goes against my morals. I believe that I'm a hypocrite for believing that what I'm doing is wrong but helplessly giving into this guy's activity. Hey, people have sexual needs, but I need to get married to a hot and equally believing woman who loves sex to appease my spiritual desires and beliefs in God.

I have problems right now which is that my savings isn't enough. I need to come up with $200,000 to reach my goal. My money situation isn't that great. It could be better. If I decide to go for a humble lifestyle and not so much of this world, then yeah, I have enough, but it won't be easy. I'm not for that.

Writing about my activities, I feel shameful and could do better. Instead of doing what I've been doing, it's fun to me. I think I'll just turn those into rewarding activities and give myself bits and pieces of it without indulging too much. I think that's what my problem is. I'm spending way too much on my own rewarding and playful stages.

To have a more balanced lifestyle, I need to do other stuff as well. I think that's where I'm looking to go for.

Things To Do

I've read up on an article regarding time management and procrastination. I just did it really fast. One of the things that screwed me up is that I decided to wake up at around 12 pm after sleeping at almost 5 AM. Now I'm almost 6 hours in already without having done what would satisfy me.

This is turning out to be problematic for me and believe it will affect my relationships with spending time with people and trying to find a girl to fall in love with. There are basically three steps to overcome my barrier.

The first step is to write out and break it down into smaller steps. The second step is to schedule time to meet those steps. The third step is to reward yourself.

It's really a simple concept but difficult to follow through with. I know that logically speaking most should love rewarding themselves. It's stupid but actually works for managing time. I'm actually a pretty decent guy for my old age and have relationships with girls. Well, I'm just their good and cool friend, which is nice.

Hey, I can live with that. I'm pretty bad at holding on to my word right now and would like to get better at it, so I think those three things will help me out. 

Understanding Boundaries

I've recently been understanding my relationships with girls lately. They really are actual and genuine relationships that I'm having with a bunch of them. It's just that there's no sexual stuff involved. There's a little bit of flirting and small hints of romance going on, but it's just normal really. It's just that you have to be understanding with it and comfortable about it. 

A straight guy's good friendship with a great girl who is also straight is technically a relationship already in itself. It builds upon itself naturally. From just having this good friend status, I guess it just means that either side is unhappy, if one of the two wants something more. 

 The great advice I got from one of  my "girl" friends is to just have an open mind for candidates and not just focus on one person. It's something that will just happen unexpectedly. She's happy to have enough in her life already and with her boyfriend, they seem to be on a break right now. I asked her out and she accepted, but it's only because I see her personality as being someone who likes to spend quality time with an individual. It's great to be friends with her. 

Making Some Plans

Well, if someone comes across this idea that I'm throwing out there, I'm sure it's someone else has but no one has got to it yet. Maybe, I'll be the one to go do it, but I'll mention that I have. I would really like to do a virtual reality game with high quality graphics and design something like guitar hero to go with it. It would just be cool to play in your favorite band and to be able to visualize a crowd that is yelling and it would fun to see flying notes and to try to them accurately. It would amazing really and I would love to.

I also want to design a practical app for storing my stuff and recalling them from a website and using my phone as an app to keep track of all the stuff I have in possession. It would most definitely be awesome, so I think I'll be going after doing that.

I think prayer is really helping me a lot to prep up for where I need to be headed, but with my mind about to crash like it is again, I think I'm going through my peak hours. Hey I'm just throwing out there that I think my gaming hours were probably from me trying to distract myself from watching pornography. I have to admit that I like to peak at female nudity in the form of mainstream movie actresses. They look great and I wish I had a wife like that to make some great love to. Oh well, it's just fantasizing and even though I've got better over the years with handling on meeting pretty friends and letting go of falling in love with them, I'm doing a whole lot better.

One thing I've noticed is that porn stars really take a lot and I mean so much. It's like for a few years they are on the rise and then after awhile, their popularity starts to decline. It's how the human mind works and this one TED talk revealed how men have this mindset of how the hormones will lower itself with familiarity and then rise again to another high after coming across a new, attractive stimulus.

I've been fortunate to not pay with my credit card to look at porn or buy any adult material. That's why I tried to binge on free porn for awhile and enjoy it like it's a luxury. Well, that stage has passed and I'm trying to use it as a substitute occasionally to subdue my desires to have sex. Overall, who am I really to complain but I think it's morally wrong for me. I must be having trouble controlling my own urges, but then again I do have a Napoleon complex and I just keep forgetting I have one.

Past Assessment

From me being on the receiving end and forcing my way back to the top, I'm inclined to call my foes a bunch of idiots but let's not do that. I won't call those people idiots like I'm doing right now by writing this sentence. I will call them something else. They can be idiots. See? How my use of language played out. It's that they can be a bunch of idiots and do crazy and wild stuff because they have an unhealthy mind to go with it at that moment in time.

Speaking of which, yeah I don't think it was really a healthy period for both of us. It was me against 20 people I think. I was rage against the machine man, a force of nature to reckon with, a man with a Napoleon complex, going up against a weak collaboration of 20 people. They weren't Illuminati. They were just a bunch of complainers! From whining about what I was doing, they said they knew best and were trying to discipline me. Me from just wanting to have friends, I was like okay I'll go with it while in the back of my mind, I was feeling like I was letting myself get ran over by them.

It was like a train wreck situation. It didn't turn out good because they were too volatile with their feelings. Well they stayed in perspective, with a high-pitched yelling voice. It really made me furious that I ended up going crazy with them and landed with a restraining order from Lee. I didn't get arrested after talking to her a little awhile ago. Yeah, Lee lost even though I went crazy with the small squad of 20 people. It was me against 20 people after all, and I prevailed. I'm worth more than 20 weak people after all. I should start my own company of weak individuals trying to earn a living. I'll be their leader!

Time To Catch Up

I guess my life is a lot more interesting than it seems. I have so much going for me and can't really meet up to those expectations. It's like I have to jam pack a lot of things together all at once to make it happen for me. One of the biggest misconceptions I give myself is that I don't have anything to do. It's really to the contrary. I actually do just that I'm too tired at that moment or unmotivated from just being emotionally down to factor myself into thinking about doing something.

A lot of those situations sucked because I would constantly think about how I could make something better and progress and have to usually settle for the best I could do at the moment. It would disappoint me and feed my psyche in not a very good way. I'm really grateful for some tough ladies I associated with. Yeah, they are cool and maybe sometimes appear hot but from me not being able to communicate so much with them from not knowing what to say, I guess that was really my practice all this time I had with girls.

Gameholics Anonymous

I googled for Gameholics Anonymous and it came up with Gameholicsanonymous.org. There are no pills needed to join the membership. Heck, there are even no meetings to go to!

Basically, all you have to do is just manage to do other stuff with your time and that's it. It's great fun to play video games, but overly obsessed about playing Dragon's Crown right now where my character called HitMan01 is the best palladin / warrior class ever for his not so high level and when he feasts on a defense potion, he can just unequip the sword and start punching the heck out of the stage boss!

I guess I became creative with Dragon's Crown because I fell in love with playing this game maybe? It's like I felt this sense of euphoria in contrast to feeling slightly unsettled with a girl who I just started to get to know better and hang out with. It's not really me being nervous but I guess it's just spending some time together when we're just hanging out and just being hit with a happy and exciting feeling. Makes me feel a little jumpy. I don't know really. I'm not really trying to force it or anything. The fact that she's really cool is great for me!

I guess that feeling is something I've learned to contain and hide inside of me. It's because of my Napoleon complex where I don't have to struggle that much because it's like I naturally just want to put up a strong effort like I do with being a gameholic.

Addiction to New Heights

I binged on playing a video game and I have now logged almost 40 hours of play with it. In this RPG, my character is starting to hit pretty hard and I'm just about ready to wrap up playing the game. It's interesting because I logged the same time in possibly a week! Man, that's a lot of time lost.

I feel pretty rubbish right now about having done that. I just played until like 5:30 am when I picked it up at midnight on an early Saturday. I just wasted my time like that and don't feel that proud. I mean my mind is alert and active right now.

I'm addicted to playing games. I'm a gameaholic. I admit it. I know. I ?  # 1 !!!!!

Going Through Old Photos

Looking at my old photos I could took with a really nice SLR camera, I feel so awkward having taken them. I guess my mentality was just trying to practice and hopefully land on some good shots. A lot of my photos were awkward basically because I took them while people were dining. It's pretty much a hit or miss deal with the photos. A lot of them bombed and I feel a little uncomfortable about looking at my photos I have remaining.

I guess as much as I can stomach then without ending up wanting to cuss in private while upset about the photos I landed with. The good thing is that I deleted those horrible photos. Now, for one of my good friends who I'm considering on dating, she actually looked really plain to me back then. I can tell from looking at her photos. It looked like she was maybe trying to go Amish with her style and stay confined to being a single lady for the rest of her life. It looked like in a way she was joking with herself that she's a nanny because she was taking care of her busy sister's son. She even told me that it's a lot of work taking care of kids.

Right now, she has her hair done right and looks a lot more feminine. Her attractive figure really stands out to me. I don't know if it's enhanced by me growing feelings for her or what, but overall, it's an interesting feeling to me. She's really cool and a sweet person, overall. I enjoy hanging out with her and it seems like people can jump into thinking we're a cute couple sometimes.

Making Decisions

I think I'm about trying to make healthier decisions right now. I've been blessed with an attractive, bright, and young woman who loves to ask me to go hiking with her small group of friends. I enjoy it and it's cool because she can also set a much faster pace than my boring parents could. I have been forced to go hiking and I did enjoy the scenery and also making it all the way to the top. It just got really boring not having a conversational friend to do it with. Hey, it's cool that she felt the same way when she hiked a long trail all by herself and wants to get as much friends to join in as possible.

With one of my oldest buddies, he's turning out to still have quite a juvenile mind. His mind doesn't really click with the big picture sometimes and he likes to wander off with his own concerns and make decisions to avoid confrontations with crazy people. He just doesn't like to feel all of that possible attention it could bring to him and has an aversion to it. He basically fears for his life, if there's any possibility in his mind and won't give in to something that's a highly unusual practice and requires too much effort.

Right now, he says he wants to be a champion of Magic: the Gathering, which is the trading card game I introduced to him. I don't think he has the make up to be a champion and over the course of all these years, I'm now fed up with him. I guess if he won and didn't make me feel irritated about it, I would be cool, but he tries to act so cool about it which gets bothersome to me. He doesn't really win consistently and he has said several times that his deck is the best only to prove himself wrong. It's like he's on a mission to prove something and doesn't care how he's coming across with me during our recreational matches. For example, he will say that I got lucky if I win and I've made some bad decisions. He likes to justify how he won all by skill and that it was like his destiny, which has got annoying. He's gone a little too obsessive to me with this game, so I'm going to have to bow out. He has a sense of self-worth or something that makes him convinced that he's the best at it or something. He has weaknesses though and isn't the smartest at comprehending himself while lacking that essential self-awareness with his own emotions. He's like an undisciplined student at times while being in his 30s. His mentality is like he's in high school but he's taking the road of someone who is a bit paranoid about stuff crashing on him, which he can't handle. Overall, I think it's the best decision to never play another game of MTG with him for recreational purposes. As competitors in the real professional circuit, if it happens may the best player win that match; no matter how bad he tries to rub it in me if I do end up losing. I'm not going to care, so if he loses it might feed upon his own inferiority complex.


 

Back To Planning

Okay, I've been just playing this RPG called Dragon's Crown on my PSP Vita. It's something I was able to download from subscribing with PlayStation Plus. It costs $60.00 for a whole year and gives you some games to play unlimited. From all the free games I downloaded last year, it carries over. I have about 10 games downloaded onto my memory card which is not a bad deal considering all of that is pretty much rental. My membership expired and from reactivating it, I was able to resume playing all the past games I downloaded. The only thing is that you don't get to choose, so that's the trade off. The games aren't that bad for not being the most sought after.

That being said, it's a lot of fun to play but I think I need to limit my time on it and focus on other important things before rewarding myself with that activity. I've been having this play first and work later mentality with my personal time. I think I need to instill some discipline on myself, even though it really isn't required with what I have going on now.

My economic situation isn't that bad I guess in the end considering how I made plenty of losing decisions. The fact that I learned from them and still have a sour taste of my past gets me thinking that I need to look past all of it.

Overshadowing People

It's funny because of Chris (Sucks-a-lot). Okay, I'm tuning it down now and just referring to him as just Chris. He was jealous and accusing me of overshadowing people. What a stupid monkey, but okay where to go from there? I have a Napoleon complex, and I think it leaked out a little with those people that Chris was mentioning to me about. I was trying to hold it back, so by doing that, I think it just got too annoying for everybody.

Well, Chris was trying to help me like a numbskull and couldn't handle his anger issues with me at the time. I was trying to hold all of that back and be nice with him. He didn't budge so in this situation, it's like people would say in the back of their heads for him to go screw himself and not bother with him anymore. I didn't take that route. I took the angry route that scared the heebie-jeebies out of them. I forgot that I had a Napoleon complex this whole time because I was down.

Well that was that and now that I know that I have a Napoleon complex, I'm not afraid of using it to abuse my hallucinatory level of power with Chris. I don't have to be mad at Chris nor even that Lee character I wrote about last post.

Reconciling Note With (Stupid) Lee

***(Stupid) Lee, okay Lee did something that was stupid with me and it makes her look super bad by the way I'm responding to it. It's not that serious on my end, but is a massive image killer for Lee. I wrote this note to her using a popular pseudonym on Facebook. I won't mention what name I put, but you'll find 1000s if not 100s. The note is serious with me choosing to forgive her. I think I'll hold back on the name calling with Lee. She can't stay stupid forever, even if she wants to with me. ***

Yo Lee, this is [name withheld]. I'm taking steps to reconcile with you before showing in person. I have a silly oath to fulfill with God first. Maybe you are or will be gone (moved on) from Hope of God LA by then. How does it feel to have lost the restraining order court case? You couldn't get it extended and I didn't put up a fight with my lawyer at the hearing. I ended up winning in the end. I put up with your dumb mess for three months rounded and then turned into longer than 3 years for not caring about you not being able to let it go.

If you didn't care then you wouldn't have to make such a hissy fit about it. It doesn't matter what a person does or says when it comes to ministry. No matter how much you wanted to help and things didn't go your way with me, we serve the Lord. People will say bad stuff already and that's normal. We're supposed to keep on going! You missed the mark with me, so I'm in position to forgive you because I have come to realize your minor trespass with me. It's not that serious Lee. I have a well-regarded Napoleon complex from being almost 5 feet, well I'm 3 inches away haha. You must be about 4 to 4.5 to 5 inches away, not sure. With high heels, it doesn't count! I don't have to be mad at anything with it. I didn't use it on you because I was down but I won't have any more problems displaying it with some finesse lol.

How are you relationship wise? Are you dating or married to some King Joe? lol  Yeah, it sounds awkward that a woman like yourself went berserk with me and you want to find an unconscious excuse to stick to it. Freudian sound a bell, masters of Miss Psych major? You made it sound useless, but whatever. I don't care. I have a well-rounded education mind you from being a programmer. I have to be a facilitator of sorts delivering information technology to the user, so I have my fair share of reading up on topics and recalling psychology. I can't be termed a psycho for just messaging you. If you went there, then you are having trouble letting things go still like Oyuri did. She's been had by me. lol. I won without using my Napoleon complex lol, but now I will try it on you at full speed. I realize it gave me good results in the past, and heck, I don't even have to see you as something or someone to be mad at.   

VR Programming

I now have done enough research and am confident about the VR machine I'm looking to build. It's going to roughly cost me almost $6,000. The reason behind all of this is because I also want to be a developer and render high quality 3-D images. On top of all this development, I also want a machine that can reasonable sustain high performance with all of those beautiful games on the side.

I guess if I spoil myself too much and end up wasting time on it more than developing, then I would be wasting my money for a system I could have settled for much cheaper. Yet, since I have some professional experience these days as a programmer. I think it settles it then that I really like it and should get into this creative activity for myself.

Ready To Start Programming

I'm still trying to get better with my trading skills on Forex. I'm tapping into it. It's taking awhile but it's not a big deal because I haven't really put my hard earned money into it yet. I made the mistake of jumping into it while thinking that some people would be better than me and that they would earn a living for me. It doesn't make sense in the end.

It's just better to manage your own money and work at it. Most see it as gambling and scary because all of that money can be lost. It might be just very baffling considering how there are stories that people lost it all in the stock market. It's also have some stigmatizing details like greedy investors for some people out there.

I have come to personally appreciate it and think it really suits what I'm looking for in life. 

Happy 4th Everyone!

I guess some minor changes. I do have some cool photos I took on my camera and now I'm pretty much out of space with my card. I'm going to have to unload some of them and stick them into a server or something. I think I'll try out google's free service first and save it all on my usb hard drive as well.

I guess if I become really enthusiastic with my photos then I'm going to turn it into one of my hobbies then. It's just going to be all for fun. I might as well even go for investing in a water proof GoPro also then.

Amazon prime does have this amazing subscription of free books to read off of for getting hints on how to be a better photographer. It's pretty much a convenient location to read up on some Internet books. It won't be that great and be time consuming obviously, but it beats being in the dark. 

Dating Ad

I figure no one is really going copy word for word my profile description, so I'll just share mine with the small crowd of interested readers here. I don't think Stupid Lee is really going to want to waste her time reading this blog anyway! She's probably not that stupid, but she is in a sense that she can't behave! Oh, just behave miss!

Description: (ah ha, finally a bold word)
I'm looking for a cute and nice girl to date just for fun. I'm not very demanding of your time, supportive, and understanding. I am open to chat or hear you out with any subject without going too crazy in the end. This is what partners in crime should be about. I'm definitely cool with just hanging out regularly as friends (kinda the same thing for me as dating). I'm okay if you're seeing other people too. Dating should be fun! Looking forward to you being my number one person still on this whole wide world.

Well, there's many fish in the sea so that's one of the many examples a guy on here could use to find someone to date. Good luck living up to it though because that description is definitely me!

Thoughts About MTG

Magic the Gathering is a bunch of held-back cuss words to me! It's a dead-end interest, but I just can't help it. It's like a drug known as cardboard crack! It's a trading card game where an authentic card in print that was designed by the company over 20 years ago is worth over $50,000. It's legendary to the field of avid players just like me.

The creator of the game meant for this thing to not fully be based on skill. He wanted luck to be involved in it, so it's really about building a deck that has the most consistent runs based off of luck. My decks can beat the world's best, but the champion decks are somehow better. Oh well, it's a dead-end for me and my cards are just so-so in the end.

Putting It Together Again

Okay, I can't really put myself to reading the Bible everyday. It seems like a simple task, but I just can't do it. I might as well just start off the day normally and whenever I can, just say a simple prayer or something.

With my day being normal by working out after getting up, I know how good it is and how some people suck at doing that. Well most have to get ready for work or they want breakfast. Maybe some want to watch their favorite news broadcast or play with their dog or whatever. There's variety of people with different interests and for varying reasons, like they can say they got hurt and have trouble losing weight because of it.

I don't really care actually. When I do run and feel the pain while passing by people, I sometimes feel discouraged to tune thoughts of how people don't want to workout. It's okay though because finishing what I set out to do is the best!

Basically, now I'm proposing four things instead of my simple three that I was trying to continuously repeat and live out. It's now exercise, trade, Bible, and cook!

Cool Plans

I'm trying to work on some VR programming right now. It's expensive as heck! I'm looking at putting together a build that will be over $6000! It's cutting edge and top of the line stuff. It interests me a lot, and I don't have so much of that impatient and painful feeling anymore with working at stuff.

I wish I had this mindset when I was college and knew the path I wanted to lead. It's better than nothing that I'm still in my 30s. With the women in my life, they are practically friends with the exception of maybe a few who I consider interests in a sexual or romantic manner. I'm really not so sure at the moment. I imagine myself settling down with them and some pitfalls that I may hate because of their personality.

Building a relationship through friendship with girls has been helpful for me nonetheless and I've gone quite a ways to get to where I'm at now. It's like when I made the effort after an opportunity presented itself, I literarily jumped a few floors in a short period of time. I think hard work ethic is cool and to not be so mad about things anymore. One thing that's helping my confidence now is that I accept that I have a Napoleon complex which has worked out well for me.
  

Adjusting Plan

From realizing that I have a Napoleon complex that has given me good results, I don't really need to be mad anything anymore. Combining it with my faith in God, I'm unstoppable!

Basically, I'm trying to study and tune in to the Word of God daily. It's healthy in a way for me. I've been having a hard time to just get started at opening the pages of the Bible. Actually, I'm now just using an app and I'm just a finger swipe away, but I just don't get to it. I'm letting my mind just roam doing something else like surfing the Internet and learning to deal with these hormones of wanting to have some nice-and-good, hard-and-long sex!

With this company vacation coming up, it's a great getaway and I figure it's time for me to now date a nice and cute girl for fun after putting in a lot of effort to find one. With this mentality and having this general habit of adroitness, I think I'm in the right place with being a programmer. I enjoy it too and the challenges that it works up for me!

My main course of action will be to wake up and go work out, take a shower, work on some trades and then read the Bible. I might start taking evening showers which I hear are the best once I switch back to the typical 9-5 shift. Along with my three main stuff that I've been working at doing, I'm now looking to add in some cooking routinely too.

Making Plans

I guess I want to make a living through investing properly in stocks and currently, I'm stuck on trying to trade currency for profit. I'm just looking at charts on different time frames and looking for all of those sensitive levels. It's become so much like a science for me! A part of me wanted to say that I'm lying. Well, it's more like a business rather than a science. I'm trying to ride high fly with this thing.

I really think I have a Napoleon complex which makes me go after stuff and to keep pushing even while I'm exhausted and fed up with things. From being a short guy, it makes sense to be called with that label from having that personal ability. In a way, I guess it's needed in this world because some people have to do all the tough brain work or most of the physical tasks to keep it maintained.

I'm starting to look like who can't function if he isn't at the right place and hasn't placed it in his heart. What's in my heart is really a life of a programmer and volunteer work as a medical doctor. I also value my play time a lot and would love to indulge on many different interests, so that's why I want to be an ultra millionaire and marry a sexy woman who loves to make love practically.  

Putting In Effort

I realize that a lot of things don't really work out for me, but at the same time, it feels like a few things make it feel like the stars are aligning. I don't really know how to explain it perfectly, but I can say that I really have no reason to be angry at Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. I mean I'll speak to them nasty and angry when I go see them someday after I complete my oaths to God. I mentioned oaths in a plural sense, so yeah, it wasn't just one oath that I said to God, it was two oaths! Know what they are? I don't have to keep them a secret because I didn't blow up my candles for them.

It's to be a millionaire with a six pack. It's completely irrelevant to that church and that's the whole point. They are irrelevant to my life now. 

Trying To Waste Little Time

I ended up donating about $6,000 to a scam artist. The person was pretending to be in love with me and asked me to cash a check to pay for her mom's cancer surgery. She played all her cards right and made herself seem to be a cutie with no cash and completely broke and fatherless. I was like aww, I guess it's real if the bank cashes it and they tell me it's completely real. That's what they told me and stupid representative wasn't paying attention to the check so I lost 5,000 instead of 6,000 which came from buying her a 800 Christmas present. A stranger who I just met online and never met in person. Man, I'm such an idiot.

It's funny that I learned from this horrific experience. To go bankrupt from losing $6,000 is pathetic!!! I'm not bankrupt but I decided to just tell the scam artist no more money and ask her if she's on drugs or addicted to sex. I might as well just make peace with my stupid nature of falling in love with a scam artist and move on. This is what I did and it took me about two months to get over it.  Losing 6,000 personal cash for most people is just eye-popping man! Well, at least I stopped it before bleeding even more.

Trying to chase after love is hard and can cost you a great deal of money. Man, I'm so stupid for having given into it. I need to just let my Napoleon complex fire up again to make myself into a successful millionaire with a six pack!

Starting or Ending the Day Right

Currently, I'm working in the afternoon shift. My mom unfortunately had a freak accident that left her breaking the wrist. I'm pretty much trying to help out my mom without doing my usual day shift. Now that I think about it, I feel turned on by a friend who just texted me. I guess this is from trying to prevent myself from looking at porn. She's cool though and taken, but she doesn't act like she is. The guy she's living with is someone she calls her partner and maybe that has meaning that she's already consummated with him. They seem to act so cold around each other when I've seen them together. It only feels like I have an opening with her because of her warmth and friendly character with me, but what I'm expecting from a lover could be outside the normal comfort zone with most girls anyway.

 Chris-sucks-a-lot introduced four babies already with his wife so he probably had some action. His wife seems to be cool, but I guess they are busy and have all these normal worries. Overall, I think he's whack so I don't envy him at all.

If I go whack with my Napoleon complex, then Chris-sucks-a-lot will be my friend. The world will be speechless or have thoughts they would be afraid to even talk about with me. If I stay sane, then I don't go crazy and have a piece of mind that can develop into a consistent champ. I prefer the later to be honest and who wouldn't?

Having gone whack with my other whack psychotic stupids I have worked or socialized with, I haven't finished my dirty deeds in the longest time with them. It looks like I'm learning to compartmentalize being a socially adept person from communicating with friendly hot girls like the one who texted me. I've probably just texted mainly girls instead of guys the whole week, even though it looks like my social media is totally inactive.

It's funny how I look like a player right now, but I'm not really. I lack confidence to ask any of them out and I guess I don't feel a proper opening to pursue after any of them right now. I'm still living with my mom who has a broken wrist right now and trying to take care of her now. I would like to have my own pad too, or it would be nice to have a mansion.

Overall, I think I'm too busy with obtaining my goals right now that I'm really side-tracked from feeling confident about landing myself a girlfriend. To end this long-winded post, I think I need to start the day by waking up really early or get everything I set myself out to do done by the end of the day.

I'm pretty much looking for an appropriate opening now to express my inferiority complex with the people I'm angry with now and then go after being their friends again. It's totally inappropriate but I don't care because they aren't family to me and I don't care how selfish it is or how illegal it's going to get. I'm just going to express everything and release the tension because in the end, I just want to be a friend and will tell them to get some professional help to move on and become my friend!

Tying It Together

It really looks like I'm not a talented writer. I may be better than some of my friends, but if one pits me with others than I'm not going to receive any credit compared to them. This is how I feel and have come to an acceptance. Largely by habit, when I write, when I do take a risk, it has usually ended up disastrous for me with very few supporting my trolling.

When I decide to play it safe by trying to politically correct, then nobody really cares that much. If I have said something amazing from putting my effort into it, then not enough people care to like it. I'm just not able to connect that well then and that's how the world is. If I give into my Napoleon complex on the other hand like a maniac, then yeah, I have received some recognition. Usually people give into my antics if I take it that far with my speech and mannerisms. I'm pretty much a reluctant jerk going in for the kill, or that's how I feel at least.

Going On Writing Binge

I'm just talking crazy here and totally unreserved. I don't feel comfortable talking about masturbating and porn and other unclean stuff on the net. It's not my style to really bring up in general. I'm totally just going rogue and open with myself in this whole propriety thing of keeping things to myself.

Normally for my own interests, I will hang on to stuff. Obviously, if I end up breaking the law to harm Chai Bee Sting or Chris Sucks-a-lot or Goof ball Golf or even Jerky Jarred, I still want to be friends with them in the end! They will seriously have some massive problems in being my friend. It's a no-brainer! They would need to get some professional help to make it happen with me.

With me about to unload with explosiveness with a bunch of no-name losers, I think they would want to respect my Napoleon complex.  I have a huge massive one at times and sometimes, I just try not to care while I'm really angry. Maybe it's my anger problems coupled with my inferiority complex that makes me try to go overboard. I think they were afraid of me going there. Since I football tossed a Book of Mormon that whizzed past through Pastor Chai Bee Sting, I think that made Oyuri the Schmuck be like "Oh, you're a psycho!" the whole time with me. I blocked her on my Facebook profile after telling her off. No need for such nonsense!

Actually, I'll talk to Stupid Lee because she's the one who started it and tell her that I have her blocked on Facebook with my fake profile and that I want to be friends with her again. The incident wasn't really that big because she was just having sensitivity issues. She's stupid and looks bad for what she did and I don't care! I'm a reminder that she sucks at living in general and I can live with that while parading around her and being a friend at the same time.

Helping Nobody

This blog is of really no help to anybody. I'm not really sorry. It's very egotistical and not something I'm proud about promoting. I tell people I have a blog, but don't tell them to read it. This is more like a semi-journal. One stupid girl named Oyuri the Schmuck even claimed this whole blog is a fake!

Whatever man. One thing that I do notice about writing whatever here is that it's keeping me from going insane. This is pretty much my outlet to talk bad about people my way which is just being blunt. Hey it's the truth and if they read it and hate it, then the joke is on them because it's a truthful observation about them. What better way to get personal things off my chest right?

It's smart, funny, and even to a point sassy while commenting on strategies to approach this person who I think is an imbecile. In my nature, I'm called to love whoever so even if they are a bunch of little weenies who just want to be left alone in the day, I need to call them out to get some professional help to help them get over something silly that they can't let go of!

I want to make peace with Stupid Lee and Oyuri the Schmuck still to this day! I might just engage in this sarcastic run this time, but only after I manage to become a millionaire with a six pack.

Okay Whatever

I read a research about how a man who ejaculates 21 times a month will lower his risk of testicular cancer. That's one thing of looking at it from a health perspective, so why not enjoy recreational sex often with the wife? 

Here's the problem. I'm not married and I'm a numb skull from lacking the skills to land a hot girlfriend to be my wife. I don't even know if the girl will keep her looks after getting married, so in a why I'm hesitant about it. 

Whatever man. If I fall in love then all else will follow through I guess. It's just I haven't and from reading up on what other sites are saying, it looks like avoiding pornographic material will engage more motivation for the guy to go seeking after the right woman to settle down with. 

I'm pretty dumb in this area and an idiot. I haven't  really asked anyway from lacking confidence with myself. I think that's the biggest thing for me in that I lack so much confidence. Maybe, I'll just commit myself to follow a book and if it doesn't work then ask for my money back I guess. I'm just not going to be a jerk to the ladies, even if a book calls for it. If a book mentions about being a mean guy to get girls, then I'm going to ask for my money back. 

I guess I can try chasing after girls out of my league because I know that I'm expecting them to turn me down anyway, so I know that and they know it too. About the whole cancer prevention thing with guys, it's the involuntary movement of the muscle from ejaculation that must be healthy. I think I can get plenty of exercise with the muscle by not looking at porn and fighting my temptations with the girl I'm trying to chase after. Even better, if she's willing to go steady then yeah, there's all the practice I'll get one I settle. 

I might as well let my mind go crazy and warped here from not giving myself into fapping material and not even doing it. 

Pretty Cool Idea

I think it would be sweet to get a six pack and become a millionaire. Yeah, who wouldn't think that's great? I mean after I obtain those two difficult things for myself, I'd like to show it off to those church people if they are still around. I'll just go visit and show it off to the people who are remaining there. I honestly don't care if I never ever see them again in my life and if they left the church for good. 

If I do see them, I want to go after being their friend but I'm going to be very sarcastic with them in a blunt manner first for awhile and will be teasing them and bringing out all of their negatives out in the open with everybody whose around them. Yeah, I have a strong vendetta to do this and I don't care. I'm not stopping with showing off my six pack and talking about how I became a millionaire. It really has nothing to do with them. It's just my date with God. 

I made an oath to God to go visit that stupid church with Stupid Lee as their fallen and weak vessel leader, right after I obtain the million with six pack abs. Girlfriend wise? I'm too short, so the best thing I could do is just put myself out there and go after meeting people. I don't really meet attractive ladies who are single. I've probably got to know and hang out with about four of those girls so far last year which isn't that bad. The count is only going to get bigger as I keep them around, and I've been doing so while it being so fun.  

Plans For Early Retirement

It looks like I want to live a life with a lot of free time and I'm really blessed to be living in California weather. It sometimes can't get better than it is here, so the costs of living here are high in most cases, even though there are areas here that go unnoticed and fall very cheap. 

I don't really really mind settling peacefully in a great community and being a law abiding citizen. Let's see, now I have playful names for the people I've been writing about. It's just a play on with my sarcasm, but I've been managing to rant well by just speaking in a blunt tone these days. It really seems to alleviate my anger issues and keep me from going stupidly insane. Stupid Lee, yeah she's not all there, and was smiling when I scared the heck out of her once right after she lost the court case to put a restraining order on me. Goof ball Golf isn't all there either and I don't know how he puts up with it. Jerky Jarred was being stupid too, there's !@#$ Annie (literally I still struggle not to swear while having memories of her).

I don't really have names for Betty yet, but I used to wrongfully call her Betty bud in person like screw buddy in secret. I want to call that guy Chris Sucks-a-lot. Not much you can do, but try to laugh it off I guess while expressing yourself about the past therapeutically and go after moving on. I would still like to be their friends because I don't care how bad they were or will still be because they can't handle something from misjudging a situation. It really shows they all lacked some character after all. I wonder if I should name the pastor at that horrible church, Chai Bee Sting. Oh yeah, I've been forgetting about Oyuri the Schmuck now. I could continuously send her trash talk messages to bother her because she's so sensitive and gets angry for fun, but I don't want to get too carried away with it now.  

So Inconsistent

Well I'm just ranting about how I plan on trying to visit Stupid Lee and Goof ball Golf after I become a millionaire with a six pack. Stupid Lee lost and well that settles it! Stupid Lee couldn't get a stupid civil restraining order extended with me. Oh well, I don't care that she lost and still want to be her friend. If I read this about myself and I was a girl then I would be flattered so that's why I wrote this sentence.

Anyway, I'm a system developer these days and doing some of that just to help out. Man, it's cool! I think that's where I'm supposed to be anyway so might as well just branch out and try to make millions on my own with some good help. I'm going to be doing most of the work, so might as well call myself the owner then. I'm really interested in doing it and going for it.

But I'm so inconsistent man. I need to figure it out sooner or later and I'm starting to feel that sex is totally overrated. I've been swearing behind people's back while no one is around and calling out girls' names that I have an uncomfortable memory with. Now that I think of it, even with those memories, I still want to be that girl's friend! It's probably just Stupid Lee who I want to work on eventually being friends with again.

Trying To Master Time Management

Well I don't know how this happened but I managed to not look at porn while I was craving it in the afternoon. I kept myself busy and was thinking to myself how selfish to do that when my mom had asked me to complete something for her. I would rather be a momma's boy than feel sheepish later about having looked at porn and have a date with Jill again, over and over again.

Anyhow, I'm glad it turned out that way for me. I did play some games and my Magic the Gathering deck is just rocking against some world-class decks. Well, I can lose while not knowing what the opponent has so I can't say I beat someone who played it very well. My high school buddy who I introduced this game to got hooked and he isn't that bright. He used to be a pretty bad son of a cranky man while we played this game, but he's lightened up with a few lessons. I just might attempt to create my own foil proxy MTG deck. There's plenty of YouTube videos for it, so that's pretty cool in general.

Also I was thinking to myself about killing time while playing poker. I don't think it's a good idea for me and I got carried away with that again, so I'm not going to do that.

Basically, it's just coming down to reading the Bible and I've been stuck at studying one chapter so far, going for some exercise, and trying to manage some long-term Forex trades. It's really my main core and if I have time, I'm also playing music and singing songs while trying to get something going with cooking as well.

I have a bunch of other stuff that I can do too and now that I have researched on what I'm looking for, the military life doesn't really have anything I'm interested in for doing something career-related. It would really be secondary and I don't think that's a good thing necessarily. I guess I'm lucky with where I'm at and I should be working hard and grateful to actually have it.