I think my life is practically about dealing with things that are a pain and working hard to get around it. It's rewarding to like be paid while having a job and to work out with difficult exercises like swimming long distances and trying to master the perfect shot in basketball. One of my cool lady friends ended up buying me lunch because she was so excited about getting her paycheck and to pay me back for buying her a Christmas present. She was very enthusiastic about it and yeah, this is the girl I have that special feeling for underneath. She's also single too and never been in a relationship. She isn't chubby and likes to work out with a fast metabolism so she has a cute face while being so girly and is also my age.
Yeah it adds up and we look like a cute couple and even her older sister thought that way about us. It seems like the stars could be aligning since she is also a possible Christian from attending church. She looks like she's getting more gentle in her personality which is pretty evident with God fearing believers.
Basically how is this stuff hard to deal with? It's not really at all and that's my joke because I went off thinking about something cool with myself. I'm basically talking about masturbating to porn because I have this desire to sexually perform for a long time without having to take a break by letting go of some fluids. Man, it's stupid and I should cut it off and even though I try to look at the most attractive porn stars, that's probably what is also desensitizing me with women's attractive appearances in general. I'm playing with fire here and it's no good. It feels dirty and even though I won't budge to make my own sex video nor even fornicate, I should just accept that I'll be good when I need to be in that moment of time.
In other words, there's no guarantee I'll marry a sexually hungry and hot woman who only wants it with her husband. I guess I can put in the hard work to please her if I'm fortunate enough then and should just ignore these feelings of doubt. I've been proving myself wrong each time I commit to edging to porn and it raises my confidence in sexual performance no doubt, but it feels dirty to me in some ways. That's probably the main reason- it's the feeling of not having that purity and lack of a sexy connection with the spouse which I'm longing for.
It's basically a pain then to want to make love to the hottest and sweetest girl I can marry because I don't have that going yet! It was even a pain to deal with these dummies at Hope of God church in Los Angeles too because they made me so mad and they couldn't help me figure out what was making me feel so mad at them! They were like to me, "Just go and stay out!" I was like, "Oh yeah? I'll go psycho and you suck. Haha, I win and will keep on winning as a troll." That's how it was and they basically turned dumb with me, and I think it's because they don't want me to stay mad and from making fun of them so much, they lost some confidence to be of any help to me.
Well, it's good that I'm coming to terms with all of this honestly and that I want to be of self-improvement to myself while worshipping the Lord still after all this excess baloney that Lee and the dumb jerk and inferior pastor Chai tried to add on with their own spin and lack of knowledge with the Bible. Oh well, they sucked and were a bunch of buttheads and now I can laugh at them from being that way because I know it wasn't their intention and they are going to feel a little shaken up over it.
Also with my buddy, I guess along with him being dumb, he's also technically a butthead as well whenever he makes me feel annoyed or mad because he said something to laugh at me about while trying to come across as a hotshot. I think I can ignore all of that now and be like yeah, what a lonely jerk and moron and just laugh about the silly comment he made and not text him back with my long commentary about how he's being stupid!
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
