What I'd Like To Do

I think my main source of income that I want to work out is really being a trader of stocks and currencies. I want to make a living out of it. I would like to work out of my computer and be wherever in the world enjoying myself and the family I become blessed to raise.

With the extra time, I'll probably try to get certified as a physician assistant and then go off trying to help out in some country for Christians or some nice volunteer organization to just help out. I'd like to try it out at least once, especially since I have an interest in doing something like this.

I'm pretty much a sucker for video games, so with some extra time as well, I'd like to do some work in putting together a video game. If I don't have the pressure of having to worry about my living expenses, then it would be nice to just mess around in this field of video game making.

Definitely, getting married someday or having a girlfriend at least, I see it happening in the near future. I don't really know who I'm going to be be trying to win the affections off of, but there's really not much I can do about it. I will be sticking around with good friendships at least.

Scheduling What To Do

I'm planning on mainly studying the Bible a little bit, working out mainly with the gym and this group I go to regularly, cooking healthy food, playing those dance and singing games on my Xbox, and learning to play a little guitar, play a little piano, do some indoor rock climbing, and some bowling. Along with that I plan on also add in possibly Tai Chi and doing growing taller exercises and also trading.

This is the list that I have going for me at the moment. The trick now is to figure out how to put it all together for me. 

Creating Positive Motivations

I think being self-motivated and keeping the self up and about doing something the person has set out to do is very important. I guess simple thoughts like maybe I should go out to find more close friends to keep myself from going lonely is seriously a great thought.

I think it's important to have great goals and never give up on them, no matter how hard the circumstance. It's really the determination that one finds that I think really helps shape the person go in a direction where he or she desires.

When I'm just not feeling and a bit out of funk, I end up just playing those simple computer games.

Remembering To Stay Committed

What I think I need is a reminder and also something like a mascot to help keep my dreams and hopes alive. I would like something to keep it very fun and entertaining and keep myself engaged. Obviously, everybody wants this with whatever they are doing.

I'd say that going after a one person business that appeals to you and gives you an edge is probably the best ideal approach. Maybe some businesses really do require more people in order to expand and create more profit. I myself would rather work by myself, but then again everybody is different. The feel of being able to run your own business might create this excitement and not really doing anything out of it is definitely a mistake.

Making Choices

I think finding enjoyment with anything may really just come down to being committed with something. I was committed to passing some of my video games from several years back. I chose to be an introvert, even though I am really preferably an extrovert. I think it really came from my fondness of video games and the feeling of a reward that comes from mastering a certain thing to obtain an achievement.

It now feels silly for me to get so hyped up into a video game, unless the stakes were higher like going pro. Being a professional just doesn't seem like a lucrative career for me enough. There are too many good gamers out there who seek the same thing. I would rather just do something that's easier on me and would bring me the most cash and is something I also learned to enjoy.

I found it through trading, which is by nature very risky and can pose a lot of headaches if one does not know what he is doing. I would rather be so up the curve and within the top percentile of other competitors and just be continually diversifying it to the point that I would just become rich off of it and stay humble in how I manage my money. I don't care about grabbing it all; moreorless, it's about creating a living situation where I could be free to do other things.

Mastering Anything

The way that I see it with mastering anything really just comes down to time. If you get sick and tired of something, then it looks like you are in for a pile of trouble coming your way. What I pity in others is how it seems like some of the best workers really feel like they have no choice but to stick to a certain job. It's like that is all they know for making a living.

I myself don't like feeling tied down in that manner. I would rather continuously love my job instead of having aspects where I really just hate it.

Going for Top of Class

I think the thought process really comes down to just intrinsically trying hard and mastering all of the requirements when it comes down to getting a Master's. Everybody has a different way, but by strategizing and making proposals and trying to think outside the box a little. It's really cool actually to add something in and might be pretty refreshing to just try hard.

The hardest part of getting a Master's may really be the final one, which is putting everything together. That is something which makes me feel a little antsy.  It's true though that an adviser does exist for getting one. I wonder how it would really work and if I could seriously develop a good working relationship with him/her.

Simple Commitment

It really comes down to just committing to good things in life. Sometimes the feeling just isn't there, which is hard for me to task myself into something I think I would like. This is for anything and it feels like I'm losing my interest. If I do let myself starve though of that personal attention, I do gain this strong desire and then if things go really well, I'm going to have myself an obsession.

The usual stuff from formerly being a kid like video games and not wanting to go to school and just chilling at home while resting and not doing it, it gets really tempting to live that lifestyle. However, already I can feel that it's going to be a depressing life for me. I can't do that for a long period. I feel like I have more to offer the world.

Therefore, all of this stuff of keeping myself going from the initial point, it has to be about making a deliberate commitment for me.

Back to Time Management

I think the most important thing about time management is pretty much understanding that it's a commitment. A lot of my female friends appear to be really good at it, but I guess it's just their preferences that it makes it seem like they are in a more supportive role.

Perhaps for most women, I can't really say what would make them so happy. The Bible says that a virtuous woman will help create a happy home for her husband and kids. If a woman is seriously in the Lord, just like any other, that person is going to have this inner joy from fellowshipping with Jesus. From being obedient to God's Word and truly meaning it from the bottom of our hearts, it's seriously a difficult path to keep up with, but I know that there's a type of victory that takes place within the flesh.

I'm going to have to just be diligent and understanding person I guess and just trust that the Lord will provide for my needs. I should be about walking with the Lord while having clean hands and pure heart. It's like enduring a long race, which is how Paul describes it in chasing after God's heart.

Starting To Schedule Better Things

It looks like I'm actually a pretty busy camper. I think I need to trade in some of my time consuming activities for something more interesting and possibly challenging so I could a more awesome mental workout.

My brain is starting to flame up and get more interested in the good things in life. I'm feeling less tired and more active with doing things. I guess I'm trying to just function as more of a decent person now.

I've been posting on Facebook more than ever and I haven't lost any more friends on there. It seems like I have a decent presence on there even to the outsiders. It's probably like I come across as a private person or something and that I might have something valuable to contribute, so they don't really remove me as a friend.

Actually, that's how I would like to think but finding out later, it's probably because the person deactivated his or her account. A few times I wondered why a person let me go as a friend. I ended up messaging that person and trying to let off steam in a nice manner than made me laugh. After sending that message, and honestly if one would read it, there's really nothing criminal-like or crazy in it, the person just goes through a hard time and develops some anger issues with me.

I guess it's the approach I took and the person just must have been going through something crazy or thought that about me and just got really scared while knowing that I'm pretty nice. I think the person just feels attacked and not responsible for whatever took place while being angry and paranoid. I basically just put the person on the spot and is vulnerable at that moment and is about to blow up, which agitates other people around me. Those people end up trying to prevent me from agitating them. It sets off this chain reaction.

I've been around it for awhile now and thanks to having an awesome friend that I won't ever snap at even if I'm mad at her, I've had time to clear my head of stupid thoughts and to now go after thinking on solving those issues or even prevent them on the spot.

Gaining Grounds

I think I did have a lot of good friends, but I'm not responding with great hospitality. I think it's from my introverted and crazy weird behavior from my background that I've sort of not been very nice about it. Well one of my friends who I also like as well, but she's been engaged for like the longest time, is crazy nice! I like that she's really in tune with being nice to her friends and so cool with hitting the like button on my Facebook posts.

One of the things I've had trouble setting down with is background. I've had like a 5 year old younger girl express interest in me a few times. I was like no way in my head- too young. I based it off of my previous experience with dating a girl someone my own age. Basically, I was dating a girl who was already in a relationship with some other guy that she wanted to move on from. I felt she was a no-no girl to mess around with. Anyhow, it was just plain weird.

I like her as a friend though and she was nice. She was crazy and funny person. She didn't like how her life was going and she told a lot of crazy jokes that rattled me up a little. Maybe I would have snapped as an old man with her and done something worse to her. I even tried chasing after her a bit when things were too late after she decided to fall in love with another man.

I can't believe I actually had a dating life and I was like so inattentive about it.

Appearance Doesn't Really Matter

I don't think appearance really matters to me now. It's pretty weird because at first I thought one of my Facebook friends was really hot, but after awhile, the eye candy effect just fizzles away. I can't stand continuously doing that now. It's like trying to search for the hottest photos of girls in the planet bring no satisfaction whatsoever. My mind just likes to think black or white.

Okay, I think I'm basing off being in a relationship more on love, compatibility, and availability. That friend I'm mentioning, I do like her as a person, but I'm not fully sure with everything at the moment. I think I'll just look to find more friends to socialize with and maybe within that circle I'll find a few more love interests that pop up somewhere.

I think it's just natural to have someone interested in you and to do well together with. It's just that I guess I'm too wish-washy when it comes to asking out a girl. I've asked out one girl on just a casual lunch and just kept on buying her lunch. I was just being nice and then she ended up liking me momentarily. I had no idea where that came from. She liked me and I had no clue and she is pretty hot, but she talked so much about being in bad health and all of that, it was too much to bear for me.

I think she's happily married now and wish her a successful and healthy life. I'm not really in her social circle which would have been nice, but she's very anxious about me because she doesn't want any drama, so I understand. I get how she's saying though that she hopes I find someone to be truly happy with.

From being an introverted guy with glasses and just trying to be nice and plain appropriate, I attracted quite a bit of women. I think I said a few very good things when I did speak and it must have sent off some sparks. Hey, now I'm like talking a thousand words at once and it's like I'm a free bird that shouldn't be reached to those girls, so I'm like a closed door to them now.

Behind Quite A Bit

I guess sometimes there's this moment where you are just not feeling it. It's weird to push forward with it, but I think what moves it forward despite those feelings is from being committed. I think commitment is a very important piece to have for being a successful couple.

I think my friend is committed to that guy she's been dating all these years, so I'll just lay low with her than. I can't even be friends with her boyfriend on Facebook, even though he seems like a cool guy with me. Maybe, he wants a little challenge for laughs with competition to test his love for her. I haven't really brought it yet because I fully don't know. What I do know is that I like her and being friends with her is cool.

Maybe with this girl, if I write how it is while feeling in that manner and slightly favoring it to happen then it will happen. Maybe it's a good omen. I'm just saying that because she sort of just wanted to hang with me at a restaurant. I don't know what is up with that. Okay, I'll just stay friends for now.

Gathering Likes On Facebook

From more closer people I affiliate with, I get likes when I tell jokes. Sometimes, I'm too outside their understanding that they won't click it. When it comes to being about getting a consistent stream of likes, I'm realizing that it comes from posting cute photos of relationships. Oddly, it seems like one of my friends and her long time dating / unknown status guy don't seem to get too many favorable likes.

I've actually seen a really nice photo with her and guy with this cool romantic scenery. I guess if they like to do that often, then maybe it would change the tide of the audience.

So the ingredient for me is to first get a cute girl that matches up really well with me. I think her being taller than me doesn't matter anymore because I seem to have shown off my physique a little bit from posting push up videos. I don't think they are all that and people seem to not be that impressed by them. It's like, something that doesn't really interest them enough.

Actually, that friend of mine look pretty good together with me. It's weird. I have had these stares from people when we sit next to each other. I've been like whatever and just shrugged it off. She communicates really well and seems to be very cheery while talking to me. Maybe she likes me, okay. She's a very cool girl and she gives out really nice advice. She's even told an amazing and optimistic quotes that she thought up. She's definitely someone I want to keep my heart open to if her dating world ever opens up to include me in it.

Other than that, for now, she's really nice and beneficial to me as a friend. I'll be looking to expand my social circle and include a lot more friends in it so I could never go bored if I ever lose a girlfriend whenever I finally learn to do it. The first has definitely got to be the hardest after so many close calls. I'm not that same person anymore, so I don't know how to approach it with this current persona I have.

Making Less Hasty Decisions

I think timing really matters with a lot of decisions, but weaknesses really might come into play as well. For one thing, I do like being center of attention while trying to always be a modest person. I could go everyday with everybody saying hi to me first, before I say hi to them. 

Then again, with people saying hi to me, it must really mean that they must like me in some way. I should have noticed that from the beginning and do something for them too. I actually really appreciate it that those people did greet me from the first, even though I was going through some stuff in my head that was just ticking me off constantly. 

Scheduling My Life

I think this is going to be the run down of my routine so far before I go in for work. I have a daily afternoon shift and get out before 1 am which isn't too bad. It will be pretty much working out, doing some growth stretches, tai chi, take a shower, read Bible, trade currency a little bit, cook, and if time remains, go for bowling, little bit of indoor rock climbing, playing some dancing or singing games,

I don't really have an exact game plan for when I get home though. It could probably be just staying up to watch anime. Maybe I could just check up a little bit on the news, since I don't really have too many problems with reading anymore. Also, I could do a little bit of dancing moves and practice the piano a bit more on pieces that interest me. Maybe, I could read up stuff on the Bible little bit more too. I could also check up on how my trades are doing a little bit as well.

How I'm Posting

Well, okay it looks like I just want to have some past people who developed anger issues with me to just be my friend. I think I will just have to start with the most important people first and then work my way down.

Along with being put in new situations, I'd love it if I could solve them using my own methods. It would be awesome. Reflecting on the past, there's really not much I could have done and also from trusting in Jesus, I shouldn't worry so much about those trials.

Well then, I told one of my close friends who believes in God that he wasn't really trusting in him because if he did, he wouldn't be filled with that much anxiety. He doesn't really talk about it much with me anymore. I guess it sort of settled the loop finally. I think it was seriously a revelation sent from God too.

Adding to Usual Repetoire

I'm thinking about adding a few more things to my usual now. I have a cute friend who I met not longer than a year ago. We've got along so well with each other and she wants to hang out with me which is cool.

I have some deep neurotic issues. I don't even know if I'll ever end up doing things right enough, along with finally meeting the right person for me. I'm starting to not get very picky about relationships, and I'm still in sort of a hole that I have to dig myself back out of. It's just going to be a little at a time, I believe.

Taking A Break from MTG

I've been playing MTG a little too much and it's starting to wear me down. I ordered some new proxy cards which are basically imitation versions of the actual card. They are a lot cheaper than the original card, so it saves a lot of money and can also expand the strategies you would want to play from having more accessible cards that appeal to you.

I think MTG is taking up some time for doing things I might actually have a better and worthwhile thing. Well, anyhow I guess that's how it's going to go for me.

Lacking Big Time

I'm not really engaging myself to reading the Bible as much as I'd like to be. I'm going to try to be consistent with that. Even if I end up letting my mind wander while looking at verses, it's still better than nothing for me and trying to put in some type of effort. Perhaps, reading the Bible does really have an improvement for sharpening my brain.

The hardest thing for me right now is consistency. I do have these emotional binges at times, which are something like how I try to compensate for feeling a certain way. I think I need to put more of a lid on that. It feels very sheepish.

Engaging in Bigger Thought

I think it's more like a joke claiming that I'm #1 on this blog site for my listed job category of computer science. Looking at my peers have to offer, well I guess some have it made a little better than me.

It's just consistency I guess and these are my thoughts and it seems like I haven't been in trouble all these years. Maybe it's not serious after all and I could mention that with the people who had some anger issues with me.

Regardless though, I'm still interested in just patching things up because it's healthy to me and something I just like to do in my nature. It builds a whole heck of a lot of confidence for me. Basically the situation is really petty and it's not like communication won't help me see the immaturity of those people and their evilness that they end up resorting to from being selfish people.

I'd just like to manage it without losing my sanity this time around. I'm just going in to resolve and doing it really fast and not really caring because the worst that can be done is that I'll be forced to never see them again. If they weren't made for me, there's something to learn off of those incidents anyway and I can have fun talking about doing the bad stuff back to them that they do me. I can explain it really well and talk about what I see in their motives.

I just basically like to get along with people and be charismatic like that. It's just in my nature to have fun doing those types of challenging things. For the most part though, I'm just looking to work out, learn to trade, and read the Bible.

Those are my main things that I have going for me. I'm still wrestling with how I'm going to end up with a lovely girlfriend to marry someday, but I guess it will happen for me someday. I'm just doing the best I can to manage it while being hopeful and patient while waiting upon the Lord's good will.

Pretty Much Basics

I'm really trying to read the Bible again. It seems like I have to make a huge effort to read it. There's like always other stuff trying to distract. When I do put in the effort, it's like I could fall asleep as well from the content being a little hard to understand for me.

I can't go back into the past now and try different decisions and life choices I should have made. I was totally an ignorant and sensitive person. I didn't understand what I was doing must of the time because I was just winging it. Man, that was weird from feeling disassociated with everything.

The thing though is that I've been making healthy strives and becoming more normal while comprehending certain situations. I'm totally inexperienced with forming a girlfriend and don't even know how I attracted certain women to ask me out. I guess it happens for whatever reason.

I'm actually having a lot more normal conversations with my sister now as well. I used to lead her on to a tirade and give her annoyances that would make her be a brat. Yeah, my sister has a pretty turbulent personality. When I did try to match her energy, she ended up not talking to me anymore. I was like the lead because she would never intentionally say anything around me. I think I told her a lot of times to not say anything and would bother her because of that. It turned out to be very much to my disliking because I think she was comfortable with playing the quiet game and letting me just go off with my own world and dragging her with me.

Times have seriously changed. I'm not just some quiet and slightly weird guy who tries to be nice during all circumstances. What I can say though is that God will never let any believer be tested with a trial that he or she can't handle.

Becoming Sane

Oddly from being able to have pretty good conversations with women and being able to text intermittently with them, I'm becoming a lot more sane man. To explain, I guess I'm sort of living what I've always wanted to achieve which was having a decent friend whose a girl. I wanted some girl to just connect with and have good relations to. She had to be someone pretty and around my age.

I'm just not starting to see it that way anymore. I want to be with a lady who is assertive and doesn't seem to really have anger issues like I already have buried deep down inside my heart. Having made friends with a few of those types of girls has really influenced me to be in a more loving manner.

I'm making peace with my petty conflicts starting with myself. Others can just take their time with getting back to me. It feels like the Holy Spirit might be nudging at me to visit them sooner or later.

What I Could Be Doing

I haven't really talked about much with the Bible or said something about my faith in Jesus this month. My faith still remains and it's probably one of the main reasons why I stay fighting with keeping myself pure in heart with everything.

From hearing testimonies from successful believers, it's not so odd to me anymore that they've been through hard times like I have. It's like we've all been there. Some people are those we can relate to a lot more.

I'm really starting to see that maybe people in general just have their own agenda. It's fascinating to be just blessed and use those talents and abilities honed from practice and be an active worker for God's kingdom.

Actual Goals

I haven't really written down my goals as of late because I've been just wanting to talk about other stuff. I'm just using the title as an excuse to do something else. Oh my gosh, I'm starting to have a lot of fun with stuff now.

I'm understanding women a little better these days and actually have decent friendships with them. It's not really that difficult to get along with them. I think I was just a nervous wreck this whole time and unintentionally involving myself with people who were just not going through a good time.

Yeah, I think those people thought they could get away with me from going on a tirade because they thought I was too nice. Anyhow I've always managed to get back to being a nice person with all the yelling I ever did to a person. I just never saw that stage coming from those people. I don't think they wanted to resolve an irritating situation to them that was petty while being lovely people.

Going Back To Goals

I think I need to lay off the Magic: the Gathering a little bit now. I've been playing a little too excessively. The thing about it though is that one of my closest friends is hooked on that game and I introduced it to him. I'm so happy that I have play buddy for one my best friends with a card game that I grew up with. I thought I was never going to get back into it because I had no one to play with.

I just felt like I didn't belong in the circle and out of place in social group setting. I think I was just too self-conscious about my surroundings. I wanted to be well-liked and all, so I guess I've been intending to be extroverted this whole time with my nature. I just scared myself into becoming an unhappy introvert.

Growing up T.V. was so depressing because I felt this sense of emptiness and boredom. I wanted to make some meaning out of my life and that feeling of how it was not that good while watching T.V. is something I can still feel today.

Maybe Good Time To Move On

I think this girl I like doesn't really have a boyfriend, but then again I think she's dating just one main guy. It seems like they have a special bond together and may end up getting married or something later on in life. I don't really think it's going to happen for some reason. Maybe it will though, so I could be wrong.

I'm a fan of couples just pairing and getting married and staying together to the best of their ability. Even though I like her, I think at the moment it might be in my best interest to look elsewhere. I seriously have a fun-filled friendship with her already. It's really sweet with how she is with me. I know we are compatible and all of that good stuff.

Maybe, it's just timing doesn't meet up well together but her swell sense of personality. I guess I could just continue getting annoyed and working through my own mess.

Working Out

Well, I'm basically spending my time a little bit more developing my Magic: the Gathering deck. Also, I've been working out in the mornings. I feel like from having a body that's getting stronger along with forming those cool looking abs and growing more muscle, I can be more confident about dating the woman I'm really into. I'm actually pretty cool with her right now.

I intend on keeping it that way. Those losers at that church were my unintentional guinea pigs of how to mistreat a human badly using my evil tactics and being a psychological horror to them. I'm not going to play that way with the girl I end up marrying. On the contrary, I might actually end up submitting to her because I have to. At least the whole relationship and will be based on the concept of love and affectionate attention to the spouse I would feel so blessed to be married to. I guess I have high hopes like that and pretty good feelings that have been developing over all those years. 

Keeping It Positive

It's a work in progress for me. I actually have something like a six pack showing right now. The belly is quite in right now too. I saw a guy without his shirt on and it looked like he had a six pack, but some fat was coming out. What a contradiction because I wanted to give him a thumbs up.

Anyway I'm noticing that I don't want to get carried away in some lustful attention with dating someone. I'd rather let love develop naturally with someone I meet. Currently, I just feel good about someone. Hey this is my blog, and people are reading it. I just can't blurt out names now, come on!

I'm insecure about mentioning those names on here with this blog. Oh come on, one would say? Spill. Yeah right, unless I'm filled with contempt and trying to talk bad about someone on purpose. Then people would be like "Hold that thought." Which one is better? It depends one might say, but the power of attorney with the keyboard belongs to me on this blog right now.

Maybe Like Others

I hate being impulsive and not thinking things straight through. Fortunately from being a person who likes to keep to himself, I haven't really been a creep to anyone. Now that I'm going to get even by doing the same thing they did to me. Well, okay when the situation isn't that serious. I don't really get road rage, but dumb drivers exist like everybody knows that already.

It's back to my winning attitude but being less stupid this time around and not so weird. I'm actually funny, but at least it seems sort of smart.

I Can Give A Hard Time

I know how to give some people who I feel bothered by a really hard time. The hard thing that I'm having a hard time with is not giving them a hard time. I don't want to go overboard basically because I don't want to look stupid over a situation that isn't fortunate for me, but petty.

One of my few excuses that I can fight formidably with is just being sarcastic and using humor. Actually that's not the only thing I can use. I have pretty good memory to the point that it looks like I didn't let go of it. If I couple that with humor and sarcasm and then load it up, I'm basically being a happy brat to them.

I'm not really that bad to deal with once I vent and let go, so it's pretty hard to see that for people who are struggling in life.

Solving Past Puzzle

I've pretty much made up my mind with something in my past and there's no going back now. The thing that I can bring to the table is just mainly humor. I can shout and yell all I want and act pretty bad to get my satisfaction of relieving my frustrations, but what's that going to amount to if I just keep doing that and not letting it progress.

With these personal experiences I had and what I've done to overcome them, it's actually pretty cool to report. In the past posts that I haven't really removed yet, I've been writing negative about some group of people to just make fun of them. I even messaged them passive aggressive messages to get under their throat which I successfully did. I just wasn't satisfied from all of that because my anger issues weren't going away.

I just mainly counter punched what they did to me, by doing what they did to me back at them. I've even cautioned about doing it to them as serious remarks. It's been a total game changer. I have yet to try talking to them about how I'm better than them in a funny way and feel good about it. I'm only going to say that for negative things they to me that I think are too far-fetched to do back at them. Later on, it could get so bad that I do end up doing the same thing that they did back at them. I will have at least warned them, so I don't have to feel a guilty conscience about acting in that manner and still call them people who are "weak sauce."

Not Really Insecure About My Height

My height is only 5' 3" and after having consistently been around taller women in groups, I'm just starting to not put that much thought into it. Also the whole narrow-mindedness of wanting to only date pretty girls is starting to get a wee bit flimsy.

When I look at it, love conquers all! Yeah, so a person being intimate with his or her spouse is something very nice and has to come from within. I'm starting to see that, and I'm not entirely judging very heavily classed ladies who might reach well-over 300 pounds.

It's pretty much insecurities that I'm dealing with. I'm not going to be a boyfriend ever because I'm too short. Maybe not! Maybe it was just me rejecting a girl who was about 200 pounds. She was really interested in me and sort of stalking me on Facebook and texts.

I was very insecure going out with her because she's also taller than me. Maybe a heavy girl doesn't care so much about a guy being shorter than her. Wrong! She said it's about a guy who can carry himself well. I just bought her meals and she just fell quickly in love with me or sort of. I was like not interested and so insecure so things never took off.

Continuously Trying To Do This

My mind has now been made up and I'm totally confident that while I'm angry I'm still going to be able to get what I want or move on while coming up on top with some incident. Fortunately, the situations I've found myself in are petty. I can go after making intelligent conversations now.

Despite some advice from a conflict adverse person telling me to drop something and let it go, I'm chasing after something really good and there's nothing wrong with that. Since this is my blog, no one will really bother commenting on here because it's probably just a waste for people to look at in general. Oh yeah, I also removed commenting privileges on here as well, so what a drag.

This is what happens and it's human nature and is something that can be visible to be entertaining for others to marvel about. With the topic of discussions not being that serious, the emotions of going crazy don't really have to seen in that manner in likewise manner. However, I do think that those individuals I crossed paths with should really think about talking to an anger management therapist. I don't think it's healthy that they exhibit some anti-social behaviors especially when it could be of benefit to bond in a nice manner and socialize to develop into a more successful and charismatic individual. It's sort of setting yourself up for failure if you let something selfish just make you act like a boor.

Well, it would make you more likable if you could work things out. Going for that isn't really selfish and being irritated about that not happening isn't really such a bad thing after all. It's a natural human drive to work at getting along with one another and it's something that I possess.

Getting Back Into Shape

For the time being, I'm actually at the best shape of my life. Seeing a legit six pack on my abs is such a motivator for me and something that gives me encouragement. Also my weight easily drops after I gain a few pounds. I'm loving the fast metabolism that I've worked naturally hard for.

I think a lot of it has to do really do with just consistency. I must have finally got around to being a self-motivated type person. The one of the things that really helps me a lot is that I take a heavy fitness class that's just loaded with crazy and difficult exercises. I work out hard in them and surrounded by beautiful women as well. I mean it hasn't really been about the women. It's been like a healthy morning routine for me. I just do it naturally without putting that much thought into it. I'm not complaining as long as I get my work out in on those mornings.

Pretty Much How It's Going

I think I'm going to write a song about some girl named Annie to help get my mind off of her. It would be helpful to not really have to think about her. The crazy part about all this is that I think she's the root of my problem and she never really played any active role to my eyes, as strange as it seems.

Oh well. I guess I'll write a poem and try not to be lackadaisical about it.

Dear Annie,

You walked the way you should. Maybe I could have showed you the way.
Life is tough and sad as it seems. Don't cry. Don't cry.
It's the heart of the hour. Where we choose our path to the unknown.
Through the trials we are just human. Make all of this better?

Only thought you've had my love. It's tempting to rekindle.
Yet it's time to move on with our lives. Missed timings won't ever come on back.
It's just too bad. We had something going between us.
The inner souls from both of us were racing for a better enlightenment.

So let's come to our senses.
And reach for the stars.

Fixing Routine

Instead of going to work everyday, I really would like to find a really chill income source where the money would just work for me and I could just use the time to find something else to do. I would rather be sad and worried about having nothing to do while a rich man than being poor with no options!

The profession I've chosen is being a swing trader. This type of traders doesn't really need to put in that much work and maybe like twenty minutes top each day for making pretty steady income while gaming their respective markets. How is it done? Is it really hard?

All traders have their personal style and views of how they want to trade the market. Roughly, 90% of them are pretty much losers and can't really gain anything out of it. It's really difficult and that's all I can say. Finding materials to read and to polish up your trading skills is really difficult, but I have to say that I've spent a lot of money trying to hire some so-called expert to figure it out. I've been influenced by those experts but don't even know what the heck they are talking about, so I prefer to do it on my own. Well, I've learned the 2% rule and to go for making optimally at least 6% profit of your balance.

Those rules are worth like $10000 and I'm giving it away for free! It's just that it's not that easy to do, but that's the general idea to start with. Yes, it's incredibly difficult but I feel like this is really going to be my starting point of business for my bread and butter and then possibly diversifying my portfolio later into stocks, options, and other investment strategies.

Heheheh

I'm texting female friends now. They actually get back to me! Especially the girls who are more along the lines my type. Alright I just need to try to play the game of introducing myself and trying to spot that mutual attraction with the girl I think I would be into. Then, I guess it might take a long time.

This is all I'm really going to say. I really need to think more along the lines of being a better person.

Let's get this party started.
We only have all night.
You be the one to lead.
Laughing through the tango.
You just might be the one.

Making up an electronica dance song. Boosh boosh! Just kidding. I can imagine the sounds in my head.

I'm also #1 on this blog site for my job category. Oh yeah! Consistency pays and I've only averaged one post a day for the last I don't like 5 years. I'm like the only one to do that, so that makes me totally unique and deserving to give myself that self-title of being #1 on the search list for computer science bloggers. Check it out, click on my link at the top of this blog site.

Happy Routine

Okay, I think I need to put myself out there more. I don't really comfortable about approaching random women at a bar or something. I don't even want to approach her in public places if I don't even know her. I'd rather want to do introductions. I don't know, I haven't really met any pick-up artist, but it would be nice to learn a little bit. 

Okay, so I have this pretty crazy mind that seems to be calming down these days and just mellowing out. It used to be so crazy to the point that my little man complex would be going all over the place. It made me feel bad, so I tried to stop it. Man, there's all this time that I have and I'm wasting it. 

I can make something good out of it and that's what I need. I need to keep trying harder and looks like I have my limits, but I need to look beyond them and give it all I got. It's pretty fun to do the things that I'm committing myself to though. I just keep forgetting. My time management is such a wreck and I want to be on top of it.

I want to be consistent with my planning and time management. I guess I have to just accept that my feelings will be worn out sometimes and something might not feel in its right place. I'm just going to have to do the best I can and just look at it from different angles then with the least path of resistance and with natural desire. I don't know what I'm really saying. I'm just typing whatever right now. 

Basic Tasks

I think I seriously have a niche going with trading currency. Eventually, I'd like to get into trading options and stocks as well while hanging onto IRAs and CDs and other interest building accounts. I believe that's the occupation I am striving for.

With my hobbies and interests on the side, I'm looking at becoming a physician so if I'm a filthy rich millionaire then why not spend my time trying to get into medical school? I would like to volunteer to put my skills to the test and feel great about myself. I'd also like to dabble in engineering with green technology as well. My reason being, if I was stuck in a deserted island, I would want to make living as comfortable as possible for myself and other inhabitants. Also, I want to be a game programmer as well. 

Those three things are just interests and having fun basically. Time consuming indeed, but if I could get it going, it would be amazing. 

So what I have scheduled for myself to do is to be consistent in these areas: worshiping God based off the Bible, exercising, trading, cooking, and other activities. I currently have to work long hours and one of these days, I'm hoping that my trading style will pay dividends and allow me to not have to work so long like that. I'd like to have the independence to do other stuff. I do need people support so basically going through that Meetup site to do interesting stuff on a daily basis would be so cool! 

Who knows, maybe I'll meet people that will lead me someday to a wonderful future wife. Well, I do like one of my friends a lot and comfortable with wherever it turns out. I guess I can call it substantial practice to gain experience with being more smooth with the woman I intend on staying with as a family. I'm open to it right now as well and exercising patience. I just need to commit and make myself a better person. It takes time and is difficult to stay on top of, but I think I need it and will be a blessing if I could master it. 

Little Late On Delivery

I'm having problems with being punctual. I'm going back to my intuitive reasoning and now that I have more self-awareness and acceptance playing a factor, you know I think I can be at peace with everyone.

I have issues with timely delivery and being there for people. I'm still a wreck and have trouble. I'm normal these days, but I see these things and it's no good.

Staying With The Program

I understand one of my buddies, with how he had so much stress with his work and then became afraid of bad things to come. Basically, the work environment was showing itself to be not so fun in general. The bosses were acting like jerks behind people's backs and it was getting to my friend. He thought that they were out to get him just from being jealous.

My friend is done with that job and kudos to him. I've tried to recommend some therapy to him, but he doesn't want to take it and wants to just take a long vacation from doing anything. The paranoia was a game that he couldn't stand or come to terms with, so he bolted out the door. He still wants to blame the boss about stuff behind his back and talks about the same thing with how it bothers him.

I'm taking a more neutral stance now and being a supportive role. It's something different from what I'm accustomed to doing which is insulting his lack of intelligence. Yet, from figuring out what was really bothering him, I was able to patch up the relationship so quickly.

By letting it linger with those jerks assembled at a bad church, it's been unhealthy. There are so many better churches out there, and it's really my pride with my skills of dealing with people that's being tested. I seem to want to come at people when there's something wrong with our interactions. This is what I've been doing. I've been doing passive aggressive attacks directly at those antagonists and they hate it with a passion. They can't stand it and tell me to leave them alone. That's how good I've become at communicating my stuff and taking advantage with making fun of them but it doesn't look that way.

This one guy I made angry is not really someone you could be very good friends with, but the fact that I can get around it and influence him is another thing. I have the capacity to lead and keep things in a peaceful manner after all of these outbreaks. I should show these ignorant and poor fools what I'm made of.

Giving Heart

The struggles I've dealt with is all a part of life. I'm seeing that life is a lot bigger than it seems. Okay, so I might have not been so lucky in the past because I was craving for connections and didn't get them so well. I'd seriously like to have a great life and would have to work for it. The fact that I have a nice home to come to everyday and can be lazy all I want to, but choose not to be, and having liberty to do the stuff I want to do, I'm living quite a privileged life even though I could make it better.

Definitely, God should come first. With these troublesome relationships I've had, I'm really about patching the ones I still have accessibility to and forgetting about the ones I can't do anything about now. I feel more inclined to go after reconciling the matter because I believe it's great for my psyche and good experience. I might as well just wing it because I figure the worst that could happen to me is being forced to never see them again anyway. I should just be open to making more mistakes along some creative lines and to gain a working knowledge of moving forward.

The relationship with those church people was never really that smooth to begin with. They were crazy indeed and couldn't do much with me to make it work. I was so shy as nails and expressing myself in a manner that was incomprehensible; yet, in those acts, I was releasing my own tension and fears about the matter. They don't really know that, but the fact that they ended up getting worse, I was constantly doing the same thing which was talking in that manner and releasing the angry tension. I was under some dangerous assumptions that they would become cool with me, but it never really happened like that.

I was playing their game while being dumb about the whole thing. I wasn't trying to conceal anything and wanted to leave myself out there in the most vulnerable sense. I wanted to just feel normal with everything and not like some crazy tour de force who had so much burdens on his mind because of a build up of guilty feelings. If I chose to ignore those feelings while going through them and did my thing, I wouldn't really have been in trouble with them. That's all I can say really from just my own feelings and ambitions.

After all, it's human to get indignant with things people do to you and to show it in however manner you see fit. Basically, the bonds weren't that tight to begin with and they were actually weird people who were a bunch of arrogant misfits. There's no wonder why they are not that appealing to the world. They are a group that's not really meant to be that big in general and there's this sense of blindness about them.

I'm starting to basically wake up and smell the coffee. How I'm supposed to go about this. Being friends with that girl with restraining order isn't really a requirement for me, but I did make an oath to God that I can't back out of. It's not really that serious that I would have to recant it anyway and in a way, it's a fun motivation from my own selfish nature. Yet, I feel dull to it maybe because of the Holy Spirit working. Yet, if I choose to ignore my own emotions and go after that goal of finding relaxation then maybe I should yell my heart out with these group of people.

Needs To Wait

With all of those raw emotions of angry buildup that make me become so motivated and productive and focused with getting my goal done, I'm pretty lucky that I have it. Yet, the only thing about it is that it can seriously consume my time that would be worthy of other things. I have it in me to put the tide in my favor if I have to. I'm not going to win every war and I'm aware of that, but I at least I can make my opponent not score a perfect in that manner.

When it comes to sports and precision, yeah there are athletes who can be perfect which is awesome! Yet, when it comes to the reign of relationships, there's no such thing as perfection. With my opponent, making him or her not score a perfect, it's just a done deal and anyone can do that to each other.

I can't go back to haunt the terrified souls at that god forsaken church. It's crazy that an individual from a church would be still bothering me after all these years. It's the fact that I feel like I can make her let go of the incident because it's not that serious and that I haven't done it all those years from trying to be humble about it and struggling.

I might unleash the inner beast that I was holding back at her this time around. I don't feel bad about the things I did and only wronged now, so yeah, with the agitation at a high and hers also being the same, with us clashing, it's going to end up with me getting her to not care about the incident anymore because I can be pretty funny when I'm mad and with others advising me in a nice manner what not to do, that's what I really need on the sidelines. It's that type of coaching that's keeping me in check already.

My mind is already made up and it's obvious that I have the fire and drive to get this thing settled once and for all. It might really turn into a depressing situation actually.

Maybe Mean Approach

I might take the mean and not so humble approach with that girl with the former restraining order. Anger Management classes teach that if you can't do anything about it, then you should leave it alone. I see so many creative ways to work around the trivial manner and maybe I'll really have to express my true inner desires with them while yelling at them.

In K-drama, the actors do yell occasionally while have a one-on-one discussion about something. They yell out in frustration while discussing about something that isn't going well for them. They then will calm down and listen to the rebuttal or reconciliatory remarks.

I have to keep in mind that others will be watching me. If I do go off, then something is definitely not going to look right. Especially with me being the instigator and going off on the person, but like all scolds the person does end it. I'm really going to have no position of authority of this manner and it's going to look really odd and not very appealing to be a part of. It might be something people would want to excuse in a psychological fashion.

They might not and they are going to jump to easiest solution they could think of right away, which is calling the police. This is their way of trying to say that the buck stops here. For a person to keep going, it would be easy to reason that something is wrong with that person and he or she will definitely land in jail. It would be a cold hard understandably thing to do considering that the world isn't perfect and there really isn't time to afford to think so much about it.

The fact that I still got around them calling the police indicates to me that they might have run out of options here. The fact that I can work around solution by taking this mean and nice hybrid approach that I've developed from my childhood in a weird fashion might mean that I'm equipped to take on these fruitless case of hopeless nut jobs.

Recommending Anger Management

Maybe I should recommend some anger management classes for that girl who failed to extend a restraining order on me. I think the biggest drawback that I face is that I feel stressed out at the thought of approaching her to just talk about getting back in shape with her. The fact that I just stood there like a dummy and didn't do anything while she was going off on me doesn't really look right at all.

With the irritation levels so high, by me not expressing myself in that manner back at them and acting nice with them, I made them treat me unfairly.

What I'm Thinking

It's a little hard for me right now at the thought of trying to be friends with this girl. I basically want her to unblock me on Facebook, and she just doesn't want to and is going to say that I'm bothering her. Regardless, I'm still pursuing after it and not feeling really mad or anything. She's acting really bad about it. I think it's funny because why would you get serious with something like Facebook in the beginning anyway.

It's not that serious and shouldn't really be that much of a burden to begin with. The way that I'm acting isn't really that bad to begin with and the fact that she acted that way means that she's having trouble letting go of something. Anyway, I blocked her on Facebook too with another account and mentioned that to her. I did that so I wouldn't try bothering her.

Being friends on Facebook isn't such a big deal and shouldn't really matter. The fact that she probably can't at the moment would mean that she has issues with letting something not so serious go. It's that she can't really make it out and is making up reasons that has nothing to do with Facebook in general. Basically, she's not thinking straight and is really angry and can't manage it properly. Maybe, I should recommend that she go see a therapist or something. Something small like this could be an indicator that she might have problems with some of her relationships in the future. The fact that she isn't seeing something straight would mean that she isn't really stable with herself or maybe she was just born that way.

Seniority Rocks

Okay I've been inactive for a good eight days. It felt like I haven't been blogging for a long time. I even forgot that I wrote something on here earlier in the month. Yet, what I feel that I posted is like an entertaining masterpiece especially for a journal. It feels so relaxing to read what I wrote after some time passed by.

The things in the past especially if they are emotionally driven by something strong like desire, craziness, or anger are a bit unsettling. I guess that's what makes us all human then. It's the fact that I'm aware and capable of accepting my personal feelings that I can come to a better understanding of life itself.

I guess it's entertaining to talk about my past with how I got in trouble from bothering everybody. I don't really want to talk about my psychological history with just about anyone now. It's a little uncomfortable for me to reveal that while going through puberty, I suffered from manic depression. I was hearing uncontrollable voices that sounded like actual invisible people who were invading my head as well. I could talk with them in my head too and no, I wouldn't vocalize it, I would just think my words and most of the time, I was thinking somewhere along the lines of "Shut up!" or "get out".

The scariest aspect of those voices were then they kept on telling me that I'm only into boys and not girls. I felt like that was turning my world upside down.

Utilizing Time Properly

It really feels like I have this unspoken accountability among my friends. I feel like when people don't keep in check with me and I did something questionably wrong, then I'm sort of getting what I deserve. It's probably not like that in actuality.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned over these years is to just mainly have patience and confidence over the fuss that I'm feeling and going through. I guess sometimes I need like an acquaintance to coach me along. It takes awhile sometimes for me to hit it home.

Lately, I guess it's really about taking proper steps and initiating things and reaching the best circumstances as possible.

Hmm Maybe

Hmm maybe, I'm not really the #1 spot but just sharing it with a few other active bloggers. Their blogs are pretty nice compared to this simplistic version that has nothing to do with Computer Science.

Yet, I have actually been programming something. Oh yeah, I have inspiration to do well and it's cool. I've been finding that meetup.com is a great way to make friends. There are some men I've met on there who seem a little too friendly and curious about me. Whatever that means.

There are also attractive women who show up too and who can't say they don't exist wherever you go with a gathering of people. It's just that the attractive women might already have someone they are dating, so I just need to watch out for that and guard myself from getting hurt this time. I've met one of my friends on there. I actually really like her and got to meet her by chance and we just got off the right foot and it's been so fun, but she's already taken. Those emotions that I felt were long suffering but I'm over it and really still cherish our friendship a lot. I'm pretty much accepting of her and will be supportive with what she desires to do for herself.

Being able to have a chance to mature like this with a genuinely nice person I'm attracted to has been such a blessing! Hopefully an available girl for me will show up someday.

Proper Discipline

Maybe I'm centering my life around trying to just do mainly fun stuff and trying to do so much at once. I guess I want to take command of my life now and do a pretty cool routine.

One of the things I want to fix about myself is to try to not leave out a few small things. I seem to catch myself doing that a lot and it brings me to a little annoyance. I would love to be swift and accurate with all the time I spend. Yet, I'm still forgetful with a few things and that could be a little too time consuming for me.

What I see myself doing to try to fix that is by visualizing what I'm going to be and also picturing to myself that I'm in that moment. I guess that would be cool to try out then and maybe someday I'll catch everything I'm leaving out and not have to rely on a lot of experience to be perfect like that. Maybe I could gain experience already from using my imagination. How cool would that be!

Making Money

Okay, now I'm seeing that I could possibly make money with just playing poker online and trading. I guess with that I'm going to see if I can make a living with making and playing video games I suppose. Maybe I could try to be a pro gamer for just fun and try to get into helping to make a very fun video game with a company. I think that would pretty much be the life for me in terms of making a living.

For personal stuff, I guess I do want to settle with someone nice now. With a current female friend I have, she's turning out to be a great friend! I can't say much than that at the moment. I can't even say I'm in her friend zone. I just know we get along pretty well and it's fun to connect that well with her. I think we just got off the right foot with each other and has been progressing in a positive direction like that. She does mention some of my issues, and I'm just not bothered to improve upon myself. I think her influence will lead me to a happy marriage with someone nice someday.

If I can be like a successful millionaire with lots of free time and let's say that I have time to kill even with a fun wife and some kids, I just might try to pursue knowledge of a medical doctor and also trying to experiment with environmental friendly engineering and farming. Basically, just having knowledge to live a pretty self-reliant life. Oh yeah, I also need to include Jesus in the picture too.

It's All Good in the Hood

I'm just typing something to finish out the month. This is feeling like a boring chore and I almost forgot. Actually, I'm back to trying to trade my money to earn a profit. I've had some decent success with cooking and preparing some tacos and kabobs. It was fun over all.

Okay I guess it looks like I need a girlfriend now. My friend is nice and she was sort of giving me an affectionate stare.

Time Management Goals

I'm realizing that my personal posts from revisiting them has pretty much maintained a style with some swagger. Little does the reader know this, but I was bothered by an incident which isn't so serious at all in the first place. I got two restraining orders placed on me, dang it! "That's no good," people tell me.

There's nothing I can do about the past and what was there is what happened. There are events that I can't undo and feeling bad over it is only going to be wasting my time. Yet, it's not that serious as I thought and no therapist was ever going to lead me to this revelation. I was pretty much functioning as a young man that displayed some swagger and bothering people who wanted to be left alone.

I bothered them by talking about things that make them look bad because it related to us. Obviously with their frustrations, they are going to be like "ARGGHH" and "get out of my face" in a direct manner. From me, not budging and pushing the envelope, they got scared and two people stepped forward with a restraining order.

It's a funny tale to laugh about and I'm still not taking it seriously. I was under a lot of pain because I decided not to challenge the restraining order. The fact that the second person failed to extend the length of time after saying she was going to make it permanent. Also, I put a restraining order on the first one back at him. The first restraining order also said to stay 0 yards away from him and keep it work related. At work we had to work together and I gave the man a hard time. It's part of growing up and learning life lessons. Everybody has a different life and some might even spend their time in jail as a young miscreant. It's all good though because I found out that I'm a scary and annoying guy.

Twitterpated

The word twitterpated comes from the old Disney film Bambi. I've always confused myself with Bambi being a girl's name, but while little Bambi sounds like a girl, he does magically grow up after the first year! Yeah, a lot of animals can reach their reproductive maturity fast in real life.

Anyway, it's a strong word for falling in love and living happily ever with the first suitable girl who feels the same way for you. It's like Bambi's friends reached a state of euphoria after finding their life partners on the spot. Bambi was the last to feel it and the film does a pretty good job of displaying the internal psychology of how he felt. It's actually cute in a way or can be tormenting to some people, if they are going through a lot already. I must have religiously viewed it as a kid to pass the time before my favorite afternoon TV shows because I still can recall photographic images of the movie from my head.

Anyhow, being twitterpated relates to me in that I think the friend I like also likes me. She wants to hang out with me in a group and has been implying it with me where I'm now just feeling it. I accept it in a way and I'm not like out of control about it or anything; I'm actually calm about the possibility right now. One of my main reasons is that she already has a boyfriend, and I want no part in drama related to their mess. Hanging out is cool with a group of friends and it's like so safe because no one would really think much about it in public.

I have so much respect for my friend and the feeling of attraction caught on pretty early. It comes and go, so I'm very comfortable being myself around her and having fun with entertaining each other when we do get the chance to hang. The feeling of liking her doesn't just get up and I feel lucky to associate with her. The fact that I met someone who I actually see as a potential life partner and actually can see on a pretty regular basis or be friends with is in a way like a miracle for me!

I feel like for me to marry someone like her, I'm going to need to continue to have great focus and work on reaching my goals while continuing to improve myself. It's a really healthy feeling that I get from thinking about her that is influencing me to change into a better person. I believe that God comes first in my life, but maybe she just serves as a reminder for me to stay on the straight path.

Don't Think It Matters

Yeah, I have had some run ins with a few idiots that just tick me off. The consequences on my end isn't really so serious, but I'm not quite so sure if it's going to leave the others I bothered in a stable mood. Whatever style I decide to indulge upon, I'm realizing that having experience really does help a lot.

There's an angry leader type person underneath me. I feel like that person has a Napoleon or short-man complex. That's why I try not to bring him out of me; I want him to be contained and personally stay rational about the event and be a winning person from developing and bringing out charisma and a positive attitude.

The ultimate test that I'm going to put myself up to is really visiting these past incidents where I now know that the situation didn't really matter so much to begin with. I guess from knowing that now, I can just let myself go and be funny about it from cracking lots of joke with the person who has been struggling with me.

I think talking in a cool mode while I'm like feeling that surge of agitation from hearing stuff I don't like is a pretty rewarding feeling. I guess I am witty enough to fire back on those who find stuff they don't like about me. Also, I really have nothing to lose these days.

Back To Making Money

It seems like my ideal lifestyle at the moment is to pretty much have a job where I get to make my own schedule. I think meetup.com is a godsend for somebody like me. I like being around people and to actually have a site that allows random people to meet each other and do some fun activity together. It's awesome that such a thing exists for me and to give me a venue to connect with others out there and gain experience with also strengthening the current connections I have going with my own in-crowd.

Nobody is perfect out there, and I surely notice that for myself. What would definitely be nice though is if I did meet that special someone I connected extremely well with. I'm sure they are out there, but it's probably just circumstances that not allowing me in some cases. I'm not giving up hope with it now.

Becoming More Efficient

I think I'm understanding my circumstances a little better. I'm still neglecting my concentration during my personal time because I let my feelings get the best of me when it comes to making selfish decisions with how I'm going to spend it. I have that feeling of how it's going to be boring and long and just don't want to wait it out. It feels very worn out and seems to lack that feeling of excitement for me.

It literally comes and go for me. When I'm feeling that surge of entertainment and I have the right crowd influencing me, then yeah, I can get a lot of stuff done. The problem is that I don't really have too many people as friends who are on the same page as me.

Anger management classes basically teaches one concept and I'm glad a supervisor already told me, he said that if something can't be done about the situation then there's not a good reason to feel mad about it. Sure, being made fun of and taunted is going to get your blood boiling and have you make decisions of unfriending someone and defend it like it's your life. I'm referring to some people who acted that way with me. I really shouldn't stay mad at them for behaving in that way because they tried to end my personal development of becoming a better person.

Boy that's funny with how I came to that conclusion. I guess I'm looking for a good woman to marry now. I don't see myself as the best candidate, so I think that's what is slowing me down. I also believe that the women who are friendly with me already have a goalie (significant other) guarding the net to keep me from scoring! I'm going to just have to be okay with rejection when it feels right to ask out the girl and continuously do the same thing until I get a bite from someone I think is a decent woman and just progress from there.

You know the girl I think is pretty is still good looking, but I'm just not seeing it as a necessary quality for me. I think I dig her lifestyle when she talks about being healthy and going to the gym to workout. That's what I'm trying to do for myself. Beauty comes in variety for me then, so who knows (?) , I need to ask out like 100s of available and attractive women who seem receptive to me and my chances of scoring a date will be that I will have at least one for sure. That is better than nothing. I'll take it!

Trying To Manage Time Better

One of the things I'm noticing is that it's really a lot about commitment. I don't even think about others that much, but people seem to be taking notice of me these days. With the levels of familiarity I have with people, being a short guy, I seem to be just very calm and just genuine. Sometimes, I've been getting the whole "What's wrong type of deal?" from people. They ask me, "What's wrong?" I guess I haven't really said anything and just stay quiet. When I did open up to someone, I just talked and the guy ended up being entertained with me I guess and just laughed.

I'm literally just starting to laugh at my own comments and evoking personal happiness with it. I guess I love trying to make others laugh to in a wonderful way to just entertain them and help make the day go by smoother. I think it just makes sense that some guys would want to be friends with me and be helpful with me. I mean it's family that I'm dealing with and it's the emotional connection that one can just relate to. It's a part of being together. We even talking about what we do in our bathroom business. I just don't like say bad words in general. I won't even write it out because for me, I feel it's inappropriate for me.

It's just become second nature for me and I won't say it and it will be so hard for me to repeat bad words verbatim if someone ever questioned me in court and asked me to say them while acting in a play or something. Actually, I might just say it verbatim if I had to in court and was under oath. I don't think there's really any sinfulness in that underneath the heart, but the likelihood of that is minuscule for me.

I'm a weirdling who happens to believe and tries to follow Jesus. I need to continue to practice self-awareness and go after something in a resourcefully abundant world. There's a lot of things one can do to stay occupied while waiting for the Lord's coming, but I shouldn't spend too much time on wasteful activities that are just plain fun. Not too much to lose track of time and not get anything productive done.

Funny Visitor Metrics

My metrics look like it's flat lining. It seems like a doctor used a defibrillator to try to bring a patient back to life. One day, it just surged like crazy and then the whole world became bored with me. I'm actually like that. I can spark interest one day and then it will die down without growing that much. It will stay steady but in a very small amount. I'm not really talented or anything.

I'm just rustic and also why would I have such a weird title to go along with. I mean it's pretty cool what I have going, but it just doesn't really appeal to the masses or anything. I'm not really trying to suck up to people in general. I guess I just don't really have what people want in general.

I mean I'm just pretty much left alone most of the time and that's just how it is. It's this personal time that I have luxury with and something that I need to figure out for getting where I need to be. Becoming anxious and fearful about things all of a sudden isn't really going to get anything done, but being hard working about trying to be smart with it will!

Oh Hey Hey

I think I have seniority in my Computer Science category with this google-supported blog site. Google is just giving away free online storage for their e-mail and constantly netting in millions of dollars in revenue daily. I don't know how they became such a giant in this world, but yeah it's pretty awesome.

Through practicing self-awareness and adaptability, I can actually see myself getting somewhere. One of my friends has great self-awareness in that he knows he's pretty lazy and even admits it, however, he doesn't really feel bad about it. I on the other hand, when it gets to me, I really get mad at myself and maybe depressed. If I end up doing well, then I feel great!

I'm not making money off of this blog at all. I took out all the ad support. I'm just typing away to an unknown world and it shows my assertiveness in real life because I just plain don't mind typing away about my funny business.

Happy Hours

I'm having my fun and wee moments from watching anime. I'm no longer trying to stay updated with doing what an average, distracted guy would be doing with his hands! I work out at the gym constantly and surrounded with sweaty people. Some of those sweaty people would be considered attractive girls. I'm like I see those all the time and ignore them because I'm working on making myself having an even stronger body.

I do get some looks from girls. I notice that those girls might be feeling for me in a nice manner so I get hugged without getting a pat on the back. My mom pats me on the back all the time these days after she hugs me. I just don't really mind actually and that must be a really good thing indeed because if an attractive friend did that to me, oh man never mind, it's just the little things.

I seem to push myself more around some of my pretty friends so I guess those girls like to give me nice straight-forward hugs and squeezing me. Yeah, I used to be all excited, but now after being at the gym all the time and noticing sweating women who are wearing revealing clothing to stay cool while working out, I seem to just not care to be a distracted, average guy doing something with his hands occasionally.

Leadership Qualities

The ideal leader while recalling from my flawed and slow memory build-up to recall it again- the ideal leader knows how to work it girl! No, just kidding okay it might be true but the technical terms are that - the ideal leader has strong intellect, physical presence, professional competence, strong moral character, and acts as a role model.

I seem to forget about professional competence a lot because I probably don't have any most of the time. Anyhow, the best way to develop into a strong leader is to have self-awareness and adaptability. My buddy is all like even though he's paranoid, he has all the self-awareness he needs, but becoming adaptable is tough! I can feel for my paranoid buddy.

Playing Catch Up

Well this blog has been going on for awhile. I seem to just type stuff on here and then it just turns into some work of random art. Most people are like, "Oh so you maintain a personal journal online" while raising an eyebrow at me. Ever heard of the people's eyebrow?

Anyway, I saw the most recent movie that came out with The Rock in it. The Rock now goes by Dwayne. I guess I'll see him back in WWE someday, if I ever decide to tune in to it again. I remember back in the smackdown era, they paid him $1 million per episode. He was like, "It used to be hard."

Okay, I'm not trying to imply anything here. I don't even know the guy, but he seems like a pretty cool guy to work with. I guess as long as you are a professional and know your stuff, then there should really be nothing to worry about if there's nothing wrong going inside of you.

Plan of Action

I'm playing poker now and also doing Magic the Gathering. These are just leisurely activities to keep myself busy. That's just about it.

Yeah I'm starting to think there really should be no problem with staying relaxed now and just be patient. Whatever path I'm deciding to take, it really should be down a focused path. I might as well start with that goal.

From what I'm understanding now, I think it's just making the best out of a situation and being happy the best one can. It's a lot of effort but I believe that it's really about personal improvement.

Motives

With me being crazy and getting two restraining orders, the main reason for me bothering people in the first place was because I was beating around the bush and trying to give them clues about how I was feeling. I didn't do it right and drove those people crazy to the point that multiple people wanted to put one on me but only two of them stepped forward with doing it.

I think I screamed and shouted once and might have felt good if I was being direct at the person. I'll just leave that point of attack to the side and see it as a very big possibility. Obviously I'm trying to intimidate people into controlling them to just relenting with me and going with whatever because I'm going to be such a jerk with getting what I want.

 My heart is about being filled with drunken stupor to the point of making animalistic threats that are so obvious but it is about annoying people. I'm very conflict adverse and would rather not have anything to do with it but my strong personality is very stubborn and from being a wild man I'm constantly putting up with fights I can't get out of. Even though I hate it, I'll make the most of those conflicts this time while continuing to improve my psyche and being a better person by learning from my mistakes and trying to move on. It really sucks to be conflict adverse and then be passive aggressive. The mode of feeling doesn't get anything done right.

I'll have to just be patient and understanding even though my feelings are going ballistic and inform the person if I find something that could be a problem in the long run and talk about how crazy I am. After that it's working at making myself a better person no matter where I end up and what I've done. I will keep my life committed to Christ.

I'm actually lucky to have met a person who really helps to build my patience. She's really nice!

Getting What's Going On

I'm aiming for trying to make the reader think it would be cool if my proposals happened. Just attempting to become relatable in that fashion.

I try to be nice so I've been practicing chivalry when people bring up topics I don't want to be a part of. I'm not that good at it and been having trouble opening up to them, so I don't take it seriously when I go on my own rampage of talking about stuff they don't want to hear about. Especially things from the past that could be really embarrassing for them if it got out of hand.

I haven't been happy dealing with my own anger and emotional problems. I'm feeling angry while running it through my head and it can be distracting. I have to make an effort to block it out so I can be productive at my job. Even though it's uncomfortable, I think this is a good thing from my part.

I'm not going to let myself fret anymore over people giving me advice that goes against my vision. I might as well just ignore it or just pay attention a little better over the possible conflict that could arise and be straight forward about it with a person. My past is that I have two restraining orders from bothering people in the past.  I might as well let the person know this crazy side of me before the conflict gets out of hand.

I've been afraid to face my conflicts head-on. I would rather avoid so it's still unfinished business that I'm putting off to the side at the moment. One of these days, I'm going to go back to the church that has the woman who put a restraining order on me.

This time I'm going to say something like if you act too crazy with me in the next five seconds I'm never going to approach you again. You would be the reason that I'm not really friends with anyone
and very agitated to the point that I would make your life miserable. It's all because what you said never happened and you tried to extend the RO but couldn't.

If she doesn't act crazy with me, I'm calling her an idiot and that I'm placing a restraining order on her as well as she is a worthless person to me if she decides to put another one. I'm also not going to show up to the hearing and throw away the piece of paper and look forward to seeing her on her next hearing of trying to extend it. It would be me seeing her one too many times and she would be compromising because seeing me once more would be too many times already.

I'm going to finish up the dirty work that feels unresolved someday but I'll settle for never seeing her again if she just leaves that church when I do show up. I hope she's not there and moved on to another church.

From now on, I'm paying attention a little more with people I feel are being rude to me and informing them about how I bothered people to the point that I got a restraining order from them. I'm letting them know that I won't bother to show up to the hearing but I'm going to file one on them if they do. I put a restraining order on the first person and it went through. The second one I didn't on the girl because she's a girl and I'm a man. This time I'm ready to treat the matter equally this time but the only time I'm moving into action is if they put the restraining order on me first.

I may end up having like 10 more restraining orders from people who are not the best fit for me but I'm prepared to be stained with that image because those 10 people are getting a restraining order from me as well and it's only if they initiate it first with me. Everybody should have a first time with something.

Other than that I'm just kicking back and trying to be friends with everyone.

Putting It Off to the Side

I still have yet to obtain my goals before I strive for the icing on the cake! I may not even have everybody there when I'm ready but that's fine. I'm okay with working with ones who are still there and pertain to me. It would be even better if I don't find anyone I'm looking for so I could just get on with my interesting life. I guess there's no need to stress it and just go for playing natural then by just being ordinary in this weird circumstance. I want to seriously try to be better than I can be.

Leading Up to the Moment

I'm not a huge fan of people blowing up with me so I would prefer people not doing that to me if I had a choice. However, I'm not going to let that get to me as it used to. I'm more desensitized to it actually.

By letting my mind be constantly thinking and in that moment of tension I have with anyone, I'm not going to let myself feel any regrets over it this time. I'm also going to look at outsmarting the individual. I'm just going to work really hard and give my best effort while being aware of all my surroundings and putting everything to my favor. If it ends up with me being in a shouting match with someone then so be it. I'm going to play in respect to making the person look unappealing and going for my side will be bomb and that some who go to there's will be in a bad situation but if they change or go neutral then I will comfort them. This is only for the people who I don't really count as a good friend.

Getting Rid of Negativity

Well for the first part, I see some of my past situations as just freak accidents now. It's nothing really bad really to the point where I have to hide everything. I think it's just better that I don't really bring it up with people about my past. I'm now a lot more comfortable with accepting everything and moving on. Also, I don't see anything wrong with revisiting some disgruntled people and persuading them to put aside their differences with me now.

Replanning Things

Thinking about how life is right now, it just might take a lot of discipline and rational amount of patience to get to where I want to be. I'm just not really going to worry about the whole fiasco I was involved with. It's funny in that while I was mad I was venting and subtly making fun of the other person. I guess I'm afraid to admit it but my intention was to tick off the other person and have fun torturing them in that manner.

If they hadn't acted or said something in a specific way then I wouldn't have made them feel a strong grudge against me. I don't feel like yelling nor feeling steamy about the situation anymore. I don't even want to be scared about it. I'm not really going to rehearse anything but I'm ready to continuously point out everything I see wrong in a direct manner now.

I'm going to be chill about it too and just free flow this time. The tension that I'm feeling is something I'm going to have to just man up against and use to drive me to a more successful state of mind. I'm not going to be in any hurry but I'm going to let out everything I see this time around and take advantage of the situation.

Planning for the Struggle

I'm realizing in my head that some irritating things will stay maddening but by obtaining knowledge, it can be used as a tool with proper planning to execute whatever is desired. It's definitely going to be a battle of wits and maintaining my cool. The moment I lose it and put in the full effort by activating my Napoleon complex, I'm not anybody special anymore. I just become an ordinary person who just happens to be smart and with my intentions revealed of wanting to outdo the other. 

I'm so concerned it's going to wear me down and bring me disappointment. What is the best course of action of making myself happy while not being that bad of a person? Maybe if I blow up in person and then keep apologizing. The fact that I'm aware of myself isn't going to lead this anymore. 

Hmm. 

No One Is Perfect

Doing a little bit of reading, I've picked up on some human wisdom. When it comes down to a man and woman falling in love, it really does in a traditional sense start with friendship. If the friendship picks up into something more attractive or meaningful, then that's where it could lead into dating. Some could move quick or other times it might take awhile, as a short man, I've experienced both of those things. I haven't been so outward about it in the past because of my lack of confidence but now, I don't really mind.

I'm pretty fair-minded about the thought of marrying the right person. I want her to wholesomely believe I'm the best partner for her. I would like to just mainly have the desire with an attractive and good person I guess and the right personality for me.

It really then comes down to like fishing or asking around people while working on improving the self. It's pretty hard and takes effort but meeting the best person from working hard and being patient seems to be the best path to go with a rewarding result in the end.

It's too bad I'm starting out a little late with all of this mature development but there are still some attractive and quite possibly potential women out there.

Seemingly Appropriate

It's fun sending a cute female friend some cute messages. I'm starting to have some fun with it. In a way, it keeps my frustration level down and helps me stay more level-headed. It's better preparation for my ultimate test I feel is destined for me at a very high level. It's like my calling that I'm looking forward to.

One of these days, that's going to happen. I'm not going to go make myself all spaz out or anything.

Playing Catch Up

I do have a weird habit of neglecting my own blog for awhile and then coming back to it. By actually not allowing anyone to comment here and just continually counting visitors, I feel like I'm the master of this terrain. It just takes one post for people to blow up all over me! I just know now how the ordinary mind works. It's selfish, inconsiderate, and stupid.

People's agendas are always going to be meet with some trial or difficulty for most people. Even if people have it so easy, in some cases possibly the mind will feel empty from not having fulfillment. Talking about how others have self-interests while I reveal I have my own is interesting in itself. Well then, from having a cool and relaxed mind and willingness to stay positive is definitely the driving force behind the agitated feelings and anger that I'm always tempted to let out! I'm a rich and successful guy at heart.

Just Like Texting

Okay I found myself in a spot where I have a lot of down time which isn't good in general because life sucks being bored. So I'm just typing away on my iPhone because this is the only form of Internet I have at the moment. This reminds me, I should be reading the Bible soon. My time management feels a little out of whack.

Honestly right now I feel so good about going out and meeting new people and just being friends with people. I'm assuming the good looking and nice girls are already taken so I'm going to just take it easy then. I guess I'm going after an attractive lady I desire to marry but she has to feel the same way about me and think of me as her best choice.

I'm just a short guy who has a pretty decent work ethic a little above average. I'm just going to continue to improve upon myself and eventually master the finishing touches. By playing it cool and trying to be smart, it shouldn't be a problem.

Work Smarter Not Harder

I guess visualizing the situation and going after making things convenient for you is what will really help you get more money out of life. I remember watching Duck Tales and it's a pretty cheesy example but the old duck Uncle Scrooge in that show talked about his life story of earning millions. He just worked smarter not harder.

What my grandpa did to earn a fairly comfortable living in the past was farm on a land and then save up the money to buy more land and produce more crops for earning a living. It seems to make sense and a pretty humble way to make a living. He ended up telling every young kid in the family to grow up to be a doctor. No one in my family line took that path. It's not that easy as it seems.

I myself am stating to feel crazy about learning medical practice. The sight of blood doesn't scare me but the thought of saving a person's life would be an exciting business to me.

Keeping In Perspective

I guess what I'm learning is that I was pretty dumb in the past even though I thought I was smart. Maybe I'm actually just slow to learn and full of errors because I'm absent-minded and can feel a little jittery or uptight for no reason. I then have this innate desire to perform at the highest level and impress my peers by getting favors done in a swift manner. What ticked me off in the past was that I ended up feeling under-valued when a few of my peers who were acting in a supervising position sounded condescending with me.

Now I know what triggered my upsetting behavior with them but they still really had no reason to be irritated with me as well. It really doesn't make sense but I guess you won't know unless it happens to you.

Well, This Is Fun

I actually have a hang out buddy with a girl who other guys might find hot! I'm sort of passed that stage of seeing her that way now and like her company now. I don't have too many female friends that I've gone around places with and got to know, but definitely I'm sticking around with this one I've known a little under a year. It's really fun to do stuff with her!

She's introducing me to women who are already taken, but eventually I might come across to meeting one of her really attractive friends and maybe she'll also dig me from being single. This is funny to write about. Patience is a virtue and I'm developing plenty from hanging with this friendly female. She's really nice and maybe, I'll date someone with similar personality like her someday.

On a secondary account of having fun, I'm not quite so irritated about situations that people try to fault me for now. The past situation with that girl who put a restraining order on me is so much of a headache! Thinking about trying to be friends with her feels very unattainable at the moment. The good thing now is that I don't feel so irritated as I used to and stopped making fun of her to really tick her off some more. I was contacting her through messages of Facebook after she failed to extend the restraining order at court.

I sent her about two messages that made fun of her while I was feeling very annoyed, before she blocked my profile. The fact that she couldn't get me arrested brings me some satisfaction. I feel greedy about getting her to unblock me and then add me as a friend. I want to announce on Facebook once I have her as a friend that we ended up becoming friends and burying the hatchet much to her embarrassment.

Happy 4th

I can't show my avatar using an app called BitMoji on here. I find it to be quite cute and can add some humor to my text messages. It's really easy to send but does take a little time to set it up.

I think the best things are meant to take awhile sometimes. Along with having a patient and diligent attitude, I guess overall it just takes time and giving it your best.

Keeping It Simple

Man, I have a lot that I need to accomplish. Anyhow, I'm feeling depressed while I'm talking sometimes and planning stuff with people. Yet, it passes away. I think feelings are really unreliable to begin with and even though I may be suffering underneath, it's great to have something to look forward to anyway. It helps to work on yourself and to let those feelings that are rotting underneath to stabilize.

Okay, with my friend that I like I think I'm going to continue just being friends with her. I actually enjoy that friendship with her. It's nice having that feeling of validation and acknowledgement. That's all I'm really looking for from her. I don't really need to be dating her or anything to receive that type of high. I guess I'm good where it lies now. At first, my feelings were just messing with me and I thought I was falling in love with her or something, but all of that goes away eventually. It just comes down to being if the person is really right for you or not.

Overall, she's pretty good as a friend, and I acknowledge her. I'm still learning to be better with interacting with a girl at a personal level. I'm definitely not shy with attractive-looking women anymore. I guess it helps to work out with scantily clad women. I just don't see women in that way anymore with how they dress. I personally don't care. I'd rather focus on the bigger picture, which is love and finding the right person. I really like the idea of being friends with her. I think she's turning out to be very good for making me a better person and with that experience I'm going to try to find someone a little more hotter and compatible than her. She also needs to be a Christian in my book, as well, so I'll be lying in wait and maybe it will happen someday while I continue to work on myself.

A lot of good people are already taken and will be in the future. I'll just have to let timing play a role then and roll with the punches. I'd rather not give up and that's about it.

Proposing This Stunt

I guess I have a lot that I need to work on still with myself. Timing is of the essence. Learning to have a great deal of patience and also being positive while trying to put in a great deal of hard work, it's been a long journey trying to get there. I'm slowly progressing into that.

I naturally have a to-do list that I don't follow at all. Right now, I'm letting this blog post be my own personal distraction from the pains of living right now. I'm actually embracing it as of this moment and okay with just filling my head with continual positivity.

One thing that's been in my head is that I'm thinking about how I could make that girl with former civil restraining order on me to be my friend. It's really hard at the thought of trying to be her friend. I'm irritated as heck about the whole incident! She didn't want me to be friends with some girls that she knows and so that's why she did that.

I think she did express liking me before all of that naughty development and I was like what the heck at the beginning because I see myself as too short to be dating anybody. Now, I think being good friends with taller girls isn't really a problem.

I see having her as a Facebook friend and hangout buddy as more of a comic relief for me. It's valuable in that if I were to put in monetary value, it would be worth than $10,000 to me. Yeah, I would give up that amount just to hang out with her and comment on her Facebook profile. There's definitely monetary value here and also it contributes to getting work done from lower levels of paranoid feelings and wasteful thoughts of being resentful with a person. I'm soliciting for her being my employee of the job title, friend. There's a lot of business things that I could literally relate this without going off-topic.

Trying To Kick Off With A Bang

Okay, I thought maybe I could fill in a lonely void from being bored by trying to chat with people online.  All I was really doing was saying stuff to make myself laugh. I was making some of the people I chatted with laugh too with remarks like LOL and totally laughing my butt off remarks. Some random guy messaged me to shut the heck up after I was chatting with some ladies on a chatroom. Every remark I was sending was just to make myself laugh and that's what I really was doing.

I think with the whole Facebook thing, maybe one of the reasons why I was losing a friend or two is because I'm adding people I don't really recognize or know. If I were to add someone who I'm pretty familiar with, then maybe that's what keeps my friend count from going away. Actually with the stuff I'm posting, I'm not really trying to be annoying or anything. I just realize that some of those photos have this raw energy that's just very positive. I think positivity will retain people on Facebook, along with continuing to add people who I have a great level of familiarity with.