Pretty Comfortable

I used to get angry about people not wanting to be my Facebook friend, but now I'm just pretty subtle about it. I don't really judge and will add anybody as long as they aren't a bot. They are trying to sell something? Cool, I'm not buying.

I've actually had a few girls try to hit me up for a booty call. I never took them seriously in the first place. I thought it was uncommon for me to get in a relationship. I had a hot girl hit me up to go look her up at an adult site that she was posing in. She put a few hours in trying to convince me and said she would put in something special with the deal. It would have interesting to meet her in person too, but I guess she wasn't judging.

I don't think I was very comfortable with my shell for awhile and it really affected my socializing. I'm not someone who really cares about attracting attention these days, and I'm just there to be myself and have fun with the things I try to share. I don't get that many likes either and maybe on average about 5-6 on a good day which seems to be fairly normal. I think one of the biggest reasons is that I have some obvious physical flaws that pop out.

The fact that I was able to draw so many with a couple pose was insane for me! I guess I looked that good to get so many likes, along with others not really having tracked me. I don't think I get them to respond to my posts because it's like my posts aren't really made for that. It's one of those posts where you can just laugh about it like you are reading the funnies and continue on with your day.

I'm not really a scary dude and I was being weird in the past, and people were exaggerating with their concerns on me. Yeah, it irritated me a lot and got me angry to the point of talking smack with them in the end. They fizzled out in that they stopped responding to me and in an odd way, I find it to be peaceful and relaxing for me. I think it's normal for people to try to change you because I successfully influenced others in the best way that I could while showing a love and appreciation for them being my friend. These people who were on my case were a bunch of nut cases and stupid because they couldn't handle their anger issues while being patient with communicating clearly what I was lacking to comprehend them. I was trying to give my ear to them, but they just went all out in a tirade so I ended up talking smack on them to shut them up for good. I didn't even talk to them actually. I just wrote clearly and it's on record and it's so much daring and stronger because it sticks.

Trying To Make Time

I'm starting to realize that I actually can do plenty of healthy things to keep myself healthy and to make progress. I'm pretty motivated and capable of doing stuff for being only a 5' 3" individual. In a way, I can be an inspiration for other girls too because hey, I'm around their size.

From what I've learned though is that if a girl doesn't care and she likes the man, then it really isn't going to stop her from pursuing a relationship even if the guy is short. The percentage of it happening isn't likely and that's what I suffered for a long time, but now I'm starting to not see it in that fashion.

I really don't care myself about others talking about how short I am or making fun of me because of it now. It really got to me for awhile though but I just don't care now. The only thing that I find myself is that it really hurts my pride sometimes to find others taller than me. I've got a lot better about accepting people being at a higher level than me now, but it isn't going to stop me from trying to do what I want.

Evenings After Work

It looks like right after getting out of work, I have been getting sleepy so it's been difficult to get things done after. What I've noticed is I start getting tired at around 9 pm and that's when I'm pretty motivated about getting stuff done. Well, I am living with my parents and what my mom does is that she cooks pretty good food. What my mom complains about a lot is that she has trouble controlling her weight.

I think there's something in the food that she's cooking which doesn't naturally boost metabolism. She's been trying to cook healthy but I guess the calories and fat can still add up if you just eat, but not keep yourself busy with working out. I've been joining in their fun routine with watching the TV show Family Feud. I even told one of my friends who has four siblings to get on there. She's cool with the idea, but not sure how her introverted siblings would feel about it!

Right after, it's been hard to get my butt into a gym. I'm trying to do this constantly and one of my main reasons is that I really would like a six pack with some muscles and to train to complete a triathlon. It's great to be able to still live with the parents, even with they get annoying sometimes. Besides, I'm starting to mature better from having a good girlfriend who likes to text me a lot for stuff she needs or to keep assuring that she loves me. We haven't even met in person yet which is crazy in that we bonded through just texting each other after meeting from a dating site.

From actually loving her and her communicating with me, I'm starting to see those communication flaws the other idiots did to me in the past. I guess it's nice to learn finally what was going on without having to go nag them.  

Interesting Drama

One of my cute friends invited out a buddy who is single and hasn't had too much luck with girls. He's chubby, short, has a slightly ugly appearance, and doesn't really hold a conversation that much. I don't think it really matters and maybe because I'm a guy. If I was a girl, I probably wouldn't like what comes across as his occasional snobbish attitude. I really don't think this guy has an inferiority complex. He can be a kind gentleman.

Anyway she ended up calling out my buddy over a Facebook post with some fancy dress-up event about how he didn't give credit to her friends by just tagging her name and leaving out theirs and just mentioning them as girls. I think it's funny underneath but I understand where my pal is coming from. She wanted everybody to get equal attention and was just very irritated about how my buddy did it to make himself look cool.

Anyway, my buddy ended up deleting his Facebook account and started adding or accepting friends again. I'm just kicking back right now to see what happens. I've been rather passive these days about actively seeking Facebook friends. I was honest about my assessment with him and it looks like I naturally put in a good word for him. I also understood what my female friend's needs were at the moment and it was just acknowledgement. I'm glad I've been listening to other Christian ladies on the radio talking about how to be good in relationships.

Interesting Turn of Events

Well this is pretty funny. A girl I met online from a dating site and is based in Virginia sent me a check that's worth over $5000. She told me to deposit it. I was very skeptical and looked it up and because she just told me to, I ended up taking it to the bank and asking them about it.

A few days later, the check cleared. It was a 100% legitimate check made out to my name and address that I gave to her. She told me she had a gift to send me and I was like, wouldn't hurt to receive something from her, so I gave it to her.

I haven't met her yet in person, but I'm now completely convinced that she's telling me the truth that she is in love with me. It's contagious because I'm feeling that way about her too. She sent me a photo and she's pretty cute too. Can this be something I just happened to seriously be a lucky man over?

I really think that maybe God has something to do with this if I'm not mistaken. I prayed for God to send me an attractive Christian woman to marry who would be into sex and that it would be all related to seeking after His kingdom. I guess in God's good humor maybe, this girl is turning out to be a few inches taller than me. It's something I really have to swallow my pride over a bit. Yet, from reading up on other posts, there are happy couples where ladies are taller than the man. It just might be.

There's always a possibility it won't turn out the way I thought it was intended too. Just from how it's been going, I'm not putting all my marbles emotionally into this. I just have this feeling that if it's over, then it's going to be that way. Yet, I'm just trying to be really natural about all of this and it doesn't even bug me in the slightest bit.

Observation with Experiencing Personal Dates

Okay, this is a fun post that I'm making. Ideally speaking, this blog post isn't really for little kids. I've talked too much about adult-oriented stuff and once again, if pre-teens are on here reading this then hats off to them because they must be geniuses. Try to read a lot basically and find a bankable passion is my advice for them because I sure wish I did those two things as a pre-teen who snooped around with surfing dial-up speed porn. I'm not really proud of having done that and yet, I'm on the clear because I don't think girls I'm into would ever want me to bring it up in the first place and I won't!

From my experiences, I've had petite Asian women interested in being in a relationship with me. They were never my ethnicity at the time which is Korean. It didn't work out for me. I tried and nobody said anything and it was funny I think if people saw me trying to hit on other Korean girls so I got away with it. I never was able to tie myself down to it. Actually there was one Korean girl I was into now that I think of it, but she was a few years older than me and I just felt that was too much for me at the time. Oh yeah there was another Korean girl who was four years younger than me and I thought that was too much too. She hit on me too a few times and people around me didn't make any faces with me or anything. It just seemed normal, but I was overcome with so much panic at the time because I didn't want someone who I felt was too young!

Ah, the concerns of the youth and later on, you figure it would have been better to disregard that one negative aspect about the girl. Oh well, it's time to move forward and learn from those mistakes of being too picky.

My ideal type of girl to marry would be someone who is in a sexual mood and likes to keep herself in good shape and actually looks good. What type of guy really wouldn't want that for himself really anyway? I'm just keeping it real. From my experience, I've found the two white girls I have had a chance to interact with have been the most upfront with their sexuality. In a nutshell, if a white girl has accepted to a date with me and has shown interest with me, she's willing in another sense.

Asian girls have been the sweetest with me. I've left this post alone, so I forgot where my intentions were going with this. I guess overall I'm looking for compatibility and attraction that just keeps on lasting and builds into romantic love. When it comes to dating, it really is like fishing in a sense as a friend described it. Just have to keep making preparations and improvements for the fish that you want to attract and keep around. In a relationship, I like to see it as getting around to doing a lot of fun things together while building intense romantic feelings and  then in marriage, going after having great sex. It's overall hard work for the maintenance and development but it's definitely fun and rewarding. It's way better to go after this for a guy than just masturbating to porn, which I'm guilty of. You know a Christian guy from college even admitted to it and he was leading a Bible study group that I was happy to be a part of. He wanted me to stick around, but I just moved on after awhile.  I didn't get it at the time with all of these emotions and feeling stuck.

I'm starting to get that I was making people mad and then from being nice to them, they just became crazy with me because they weren't scared or anything and was just feeling anguished like a moron. They were in the moment and having a hard time letting it go. I actually spot that now and can flip the tables, so yeah, I do have some intimidation factor for people who struggle to get along with me. For being only 5'3" and having those qualities of working hard and just resiliency even through my mistakes and trying to keep on pulling through, it makes sense that some taller and shorter girls alike would be interested in me. I might as well just be honest and put my best foot forward at the same time because that's how it should be.

Backsliding On Easter

On last Easter, I ended up not going to church and doing some dirty acts that I probably shouldn't talk about. I guess I should just post it on here because it is relatively normal. On the night before with Saturday evening, I went to Medieval Times for my sister's finance's birthday celebration. I brought a cute friend who ended up driving up to meet me. She got there earlier than I did, and I was able to make it barely at the nick of  time. It was pretty good timing for me. I wore a Robin Hood costume too, which was cool. People were giving me compliments and I was just telling them it's Robin Hood and I was playing my part of being rebellious and decided to not wear the paper crown they give to audiences. It was funny.

My friend wore her hair up and I was like man, she looks a little ugly and old underneath and she looks a bit taller than me at the same time. It was just rubbing into my ego for a little while. She was wearing high heels and for me being only 5' 3", I'm just going to have to accept that girls around my height will love to wear high heels and that I have to embrace it. The fact that she was willing to hang with me around people she never met before was cool. Nobody questioned if we were together or anything, but I think I just said she's a friend who likes men riding horses.

She then wore her hair down again and with her plain white dress with a food design. I told her that she looked good and it looked like she was blending in. She started looking a little hot after she did that and I was like oh my underneath. She voluntarily asked me to take a selfie, and I was pretty nonchalant and went with it. She already has a boyfriend and I'm cool with it. She's a great hangout buddy and pretty hot too.  I don't think I'm feeling it with her in some romantic sense anymore, but we do text each other stuff and concerns and she's there for me. Those things are great and I appreciate her highly for it. Her looks are attractive, but they just come and go for me. I'm not riding on those thoughts. People just don't seem to mind at all or make any big scene in front of us that looks obvious with us hanging out. To my mind, we're just friends and have a pretty decent time.

I was a little bored, but the staged arena fights were actually pretty cool and that's what I think was the highlight.

Coming To A Decision

I think I'm going to lay off of the Internet poker now. After spending a little bit of time playing it, I'm once again reminded of how lame it could get pretty fast for me. It just drags after awhile and doesn't feel so fun anymore. I guess it's just not my style for making a routine then.

Instead it looks like my routine would be more suited to reading the Bible, working out, trading currency, cooking, socializing, dancing, music, programming, and running errands. This is what I ought to get myself into then and lay off of the TV and playing video games. I just don't really have time for it in general. 

Almost Finished

I think the only thing I'm really missing now is doing a work out. I just came home and right away finished reading a chapter of the Bible. I entirely don't understand what I'm reading because it's still the Old Testament. Yet, I'm reading a commentary by a pastor who has taught the whole Bible. He's long passed away now and taught for over 30 years and had his own radio ministry. Reading it has given me a whole lot better insight and I feel sort of bad because it feels like I'm receiving the Word a whole lot better from reading his summary than looking at the Bible.

One of these days, it will connect for me. I think I'm just going to have to continue to pray about receiving the Word and go searching for it. My heart is pretty set on conservatively following it and looking for a way to figure out what the original writers intended to say.

I pretty much just have to work out now to finish up the evening and leave myself open for doing other things. I'm really thinking about playing a little bit of poker each night right now too for real money. It could be a very bad gamble so I don't know exactly. It's just coming across my mind. I did just finish up on working at making good trades.

Doing Okay

Today I'm using my iPhone to post something on here. It's pretty rare that I would try to make time to do it in this fashion. Yet, the fast word speller doesn't seem to hurt that much. Just that I have to be thinking in a word for word manner and constantly adjusting the phone view. Therefore, yup it really isn't that convenient as sitting at a desktop. It seems normal though for people to want to do everything with their phones.

I'm pretty much chilling by myself right now at a popular bowling alley and in the past, I would have felt depressed but right now, I don't. I'm feeling really good and enjoying myself actually. I don't really mind. It looks like I sort of turned my own self into a therapist then to be cured of my mental sickness.

A lot of it helped from me giving myself a hard time from trying to workout and intake proper nutrition regularly. It's helped a lot with my confidence along with coming to terms with strong emotional desires that can't be met at the moment.

What I have going for myself is to practically read the Bible again, work on trades, and work out. After that I have other endeavors to get going with. I have really bounced back from a personal level. Honestly I really want to fantasize on a daily basis going crazy yelling at the girl, Oyuri the schmuck. She isn't worse than stupid Lee in my opinion but she was getting close to that level for me. Oh well fun times but even with yelling at her and making all these insults while putting a restraining order on her, I still woul make peace with her in the end and actually force her to get along with me. It would be like her faking it with showing that nothing is wrong and she's fine with me but she's just going crazy and about to explode!

Planning Things Early

Pretty much the best I can do is to just go at it and avoid some things that might waste my time. I do really want to be successful, so that means I will have to just spend more time on it and try to take out more distractions that might not be so helpful for me.

I guess I don't really have that much time to do some things and I really need to take care of things a lot better so that's what I should be doing then. I did finish reading some Bible chapters for today and that's something because I haven't done so in a few weeks. It's better than nothing. Okay now it's time to get on to trading and then going for a work out.

Pretty much after that, I'll go for preparing this weekend and then if I have time, I will go for doing some more of that virtual reality development stuff. It sounds really interesting and I'm also going to be about game programming in general. The VR stuff with a really sweet computer and some cool games is just icing on the cake.

Cool Plans

It looks like I will be set to do some programming in virtual reality. On the side, I'm still trying to be a great currency trader. That hasn't really left my mind yet.

I'm not really so sure about the girl I met online, but she says she's a programmer too and out of a job. I guess I can use her for helping me out then for some of the programming projects I do. For the work she puts in, I could just compensate for it. She says she needs money, so might as well put her to work to it. I think that would be a fair exchange for me. I hope it works out because I'm taking on a serious interest for her.

Getting Around To Things

Well, I do have a lot of stuff that I need to get done. For starters, I would like to work out at the gym again and so that's what I'm going to do then.

At my job, I'm feeling rather looking with having a programmer's position. Being able to just sit there all day and try to figure out how to program something is pretty cool. I'm doing okay at it so far.

Well then I need to get back into my routine then so that things will be going more smoothly for me. Man, I'm just writing some filler statements right now. I'm just typing anything because I'm just in the mood for putting something uninspiring on here.

Up In My Personal Space

I feel like I don't really have much to talk about right now except that I'm pretty much in my own bubble. This is really stupid but over something silly this one girl was complaining about how I was bugging her personal space. I should have just ripped one there and yell at her and get it over with. Oh well, I didn't because I didn't have a grip of the situation and know what I was about at the time like a dummy.

It's all in the past now. Man dude, it is what it is.

I'm the One Who Controls It

Despite all the advice people give me, I'm the one who ultimately makes the decision. It's just like how God the ultimate creator presented Himself to us and now we're given a choice to accept Him or not. It's the same deal!

I just chose to follow some of these people even though I was so angry underneath because I didn't want to see them get hurt. I think that was my worse worry which was just losing friends that would make want to get along and do stuff they ask me. Yet, if their tempers were high and they were making exaggerated claims based off of fear alone then maybe they were too unstable to rely on in the first place. I made my mistake of trying to confide in them. I should have just went off and do my own thing but I was personally not in tune with myself yet to do so such things. I was just held back. Going through this angry journey was a necessity to become a bigger person for me.

I'm now so much in tune with myself and it's obvious for others that if I do bring up something to fight about, it's going to always end up in my favor. Even if I end up losing some friends in the process, I have to be careful about who I drag in it with me. With the sides having been made up and so obvious now, I know those church people aren't really my friends to begin with and I can contend with them all I want and give them a hard time and even put restraining orders back on them!

From having that angry journey, I've found peace and how to socialize properly among other attractive girls! That should be proof enough that it has worked out for me in the end.

Time To Get Move With It

I guess it would be great to be up to date and so I'm going to have somehow find a routine to be able to put something on here everyday. What's pretty interesting is that even though I have a very small following of readers I don't even know where they came from, I still sound pretty dang funny when I read up on what I put! Sure, it's pretty normal.

I don't think the guys who tried to screw me in response to not be able to handle something are interested in responding to me that way anymore because they don't want me to lash out at them that would make them look really bad. If I bring it up with those people, I need to be aware that I'm dragging myself into a petty fight and for whatever prideful reasons I have that gets me to do it, once it's over, I need to learn to not let it put me down and get myself over.

For these reasons, I'm just going to use my raw emotions and cheat all I can by exposing everything embarrassing about the person and accusing everything that's on my mind. Whatever is on my mind, I'm just blatantly say it because I've found out that no matter how angry I get with someone, I'm still interested in getting along with that person out of love. Anything that I feel is a big load of me, I'm just going to let that steam get down.

The fact that I yelled at a pastor of his church in front of everybody and threw a religious book that doesn't even belong to their congregation is very crazy indeed. I'm annoying as heck to people who don't want to deal with me and want me to let go of it. I recently made a guy look bad between us two and it seemed like the shine he had built up all these years had just got up and left him all in a moment. Right after making fun of him and exposing him, it seems like he dropped his guard a little and went to being a little more relaxed because he sort of has to or else he'll get in trouble and he knows it.

Just letting out my raw emotions and being honest with how I'm making fun of someone, it hasn't made me really look that bad. However, I feel bad sometimes about engaging in it. I try to limit those emotions because I don't want it running my life. Basically, I prefer staying the cool kid.

Grateful and Appreciative

I'm really grateful for my faith upbringing in the Lord. I believe in sola scriptura which is latin for the Bible holds true for everything it says. Yes, it means I am a Christian. I've told that to several people and I have mentioned that I am strictly conservative about following the principles of the Bible.

From doing so and trying to live my way like that, by mentioning that I've hated looking at porn, it surprises a few people to even think that a conservative like me would like at porn. It's basically a topic that girls would prefer not talking about with me, so I understand and respect that and I don't. A homie I haven't talked to in awhile admitted to me how he was addicted to porn and looked at daily while drinking every once in awhile. He admitted to me that it wasn't healthy and he could surely stop and get back on the right track again.

I guess I'm cool with how we talked about those things among the guys, and it sure as heck felt a whole lot better from bonding better with acceptance of our usual "guy stuff" that's pretty dirty. So my mind was thinking about looking at porn, but I chose not to because it's rooted in my desire to just have sex. I'm waiting on the one and only hot girl to be my wife before I engage in high and gratifying amount of sexual activity. I have ingrained in myself to save myself until marriage because I just want to live out how the Bible intended which is to enjoy those intimate moments with a loving wife. Basically, I'm hanging on long as I can without giving into those urges. I want to be the master of myself and it's hard but worthwhile. 

Being Filled With Life

I'm doing a lot of stuff nowadays and don't get me wrong. I'm keeping myself busy in my way and socializing with attractive Asian girls. I seem to have an easier time being friends with them than other guys would. I even hang out with them one-on-one and if one would consider that dating, then I guess it is.

People don't really stare us down or anything and that's what I was worried about in the beginning. I've been hanging with this taller Asian chick and people don't really look at us badly either. Okay, I think I'm doing alright so far and those friends I hang out with are really cool. I enjoy companies with girls a lot more lately and been doing it rather successfully. It's a start really because I was more in tune with other guys. For a fact, I'm pretty cool with the guys and there's more friends on Facebook who are dudes than girls for me.

A few dudes have unfriended me and it's been much more than girls doing it to me. I guess I fell into some weird mindsets in the past and freaked out those people unintentionally. I was trying the best I can without losing my edge. When I did get pushed to the limit I couldn't handle, I just let out my steam in an honest manner. When I held back my steam those other times, it seemed like the people I was doing it to would get worse. When I let it out so very honestly, it's provided me with actually the best results and peace of mind. I'm the type who can bounce back from just being the honest person that I am. 

Working Out Everyday

I think a great way to work out is to just go to the place you are going and work on something even if you are sore. I say to just avoid working certain muscles if you are just sore there and to let them recover. There are practically other parts of the body that could use some tune up. Of course, it never hurts to do quite a bit of cardio for working out everyday. It's fun actually.

Now that I've rearranged my room which means that I'm going off topic, I'm going to have to start a new post again.

More Honest Stuff

Well, right now I'm awake and I haven't really done much to post on this blog site. I don't really feel like posting any more right now, yet, like a contradictory person I am, I feel energized to do it once again. I guess it just feels all musty and uninspiring and unattractive to get on to blogging something, but then after awhile it feels magical again.

I don't what it is about human nature just not being in tune with something and then once you are moving along, it just kicks in again. This is how I feel about a lot of things that I've been working on. It's just that I need to be careful that I don't get too carried with thoughts of wanting sex, which is daily for me.

I don't really look at any media or anything, but I'm just longing for that intimate connection with my lover. Oh well, it's going to have to wait. In the meantime, I'll just go after working out because it feels like ages that I haven't worked out. It's been almost week that I've gone without going. I'm looking to try to go for working out everyday if possible now.

Hmm Interesting

If you go on recoveryzone.com you can check out this cool updated survey to see if you are considered to be a sex addict. Why would you want to do this? Well, I'm thinking from how if a person likes to view porn then maybe he or she should give it a look. Since I've been pretty straightforward about my sexuality, I feel a lot more normal. I talked about it with a girl and she gave me advice to not bring it up by telling me that it's T.M.I. (too much information). I was like cool, I don't have to ever bring it up then with the girls. As long as I'm functioning normally and feel stupid about how I engaged in it and not struggling with it anymore, then I can move on nicely.

I've been on an online chatroom where the topic was about sex and I just opened up there. Nobody told me to really shut up or anything. I was messing around too mostly while laughing and when I made one of the girls on there laugh, I made another guy jealous of me. He sent me a private message about how annoying I was. Okay, that was then and I don't still go on there but man, it was so funny to mess around by talking honestly about my sexual issues. Overall, I guess it depends on who the people are.

When I took the test, I just answered yes to one question, spent considerable amount of time surfing the web for porn. When I got back the results, it said that I'm almost in the 0 percent tile for sex addiction. Yeah porn can seriously damage cravings for sex addiction. I can testify to that so that's why I don't look at it and struggle with wanting to go back to look at it again.

This is what I've found out about myself and it makes a lot of sense now. It's not that I'm addicted to sex or porn, it's that I desire to have sex and plenty of it on almost a daily basis. I'm seriously wired this way while ignoring being physically attracted to this hot friend at the same time. It's just managing myself I guess one could say.

One of these days, I'll marry a hot girl while were in love and have her all to myself and then still find regular time for it even after having a few babies.

Finally Minimal Tasks Completed

I finally reached my minimum goal of reading the Bible, working on trading currency, and going to work out yesterday! I don't mind the thought of doing it everyday if even possible.

One of my struggles that I saw through is that eating dinner right after coming home really kills me. After eating, I immediately went into reading the Bible and making trades after that, I was able to get ready to go work out. It all worked out for me, but the crazy thing was that after I came back home around 10:30 pm I wasn't tired at all and feeling really active.

I ended up having fun over watching this anime show and watching an entertaining critique about it on YouTube. I think the show is called Chivalry of a Failed Knight. It's a romantic/action series and is not that bad. I don't know how it makes sense with the main character being paired up with a princess for his roommate. Obviously, they end up falling in love after dueling each other. It seems like a pretty generic story and nothing surprising. Yet, the elements were pretty entertaining that I only watched the episodes I was interested in seeing after reading summaries on Wiki. I practically finished watching it yesterday until around 2 am, which isn't that bad now that I don't have anymore anime to watch for now.

I overslept for work too, which wasn't good. I'm going to utilize my time better. Maybe instead of watching entertainment when I get back from working out and feeling active. I could use that to my advantage with preparing for cooking, programming, or even practice strumming my guitar or playing piano! I really have a lot of things that I would like my utilize my time for developing in even though I don't feel like it at that moment. I should just go after it just to see what happens.

New Strategy of Accomplishing Goals

It looks like for a few months I was struggling with trying to handle getting in a nice supper and then going to work out. I would usually end up not going to the gym and just falling asleep while on the couch watching TV. I'm not about to go for that now.

I think I see what's going on in that I'm spending my time mindlessly on things that really don't have too much value to me anymore. I'm thinking like how I'm harmlessly not letting a lot of time pass by, but it eventually adds up to a few hours and then it becomes too late because I'm just too tired to do anything.

While being up now, I think I'm just going to hit the gym or do a work out. By having done this then I will have succeeded my task of reading the Bible, making currency trades, and working out at the bare minimum.

However, I do also want to play a little bit of music or song and dance, be able to socialize, do some cooking in between, and program stuff on the computer. This is pretty much my happy personal routine that I have set up for myself. To be able to share it with a lovely wife and kids would also be the bomb!

I think I understand what my dream is and it's really something that is going to take a lot of hard work. I don't really mind at all because at the same time, I'm enjoying the amount of hard work that I try to put into it. It feels joyfully renewing actually. It's feels like this so much that I don't really care too much about dwelling on the past for stupid people like stupid Lee and Washington and a few more who were just being plain dumb with me.

Back To Utilizing Time Management

Something that I've finally picked up on is that the cravings just come and go. It's like I have been doing well with not giving in those days and then it passes. If I'm not careful then when I'm desiring it again, then I'll slip up. It can also happen where I'm not really feeling anything at all either and just going for it like a numb skull!

With taking these high and low periods in mind, if I was able to hold off for at least a week and felt no dependency on whatever I was feeling obsessed over, then I should be able to fend off those desires or weird feelings that I'm getting repetitively on occasion. There will pretty much be that high and low struggle and then will come a moment of feeling peaceful and at rest before the agitation builds back up again. I think it's pretty much just reliving as a struggling guy over something that I was addicted too.

Simplifying Life Again

I definitely can't pass up socializing opportunities with this hot female friend of mine. She's pretty hot and I give her that, but I don't really feel like pursuing after her. I don't mind being friends with hot girls because she might be able to introduce me to another fine girl someday too. Something about this girl is that she looks hot from how she takes her of herself with her makeup and hair. Her friends are practically old and normal looking. It looks like she's the only one who stands out right now!

She's just a good hang out buddy then and a very good looking one. The physical attraction is going to still come and go and it's not something I want to base a relationship off of. I'm just slightly different in that area from having got used to those feelings. The fact that they come and go, it's not really worth bothering to go get filled up. I want something that's long lasting and friendship with her feels right. I don't feel much in the thought of lusting after her.

Practically my other guy friends have ended up liking her because they are sort of losers with the female crowd! I'm like if only they are able to open their eyes to the horizon and take better care of themselves then they could score a high quality and beautiful girl. Oh well, it's hard to get away from something habitually.

One of my buddies isn't able to adjust right away and just keeps on letting himself struggle. It's a bit frustrating but I guess that's how some people are and I was like that too for a time being. Sometimes you just have to start off easy and the level you are starting at could be too high. It's a struggle sometimes and that's where it becomes not that fun.

Hard Work Ethic

I've finally figured out that for a living I want to just invest and starting out with currency and also be a programmer of some sort. I find the idea of pursuing after a video game making a very cool idea. Of course on the side, I want to program other apps as well. I'm still trying to come around to do all this. On top of all this, I also have a little bit of musicianship and desire to dwell on cooking.

I guess from all of this, I'm definitely not going to have any time to just afford to play around by myself. I should really be utilizing my time to get these things done during my down time. I guess while waiting on other stuff to come around for me. I could just keep myself busy with this general healthy and happy making routine.

Scheduling Different

I've been trying to figure out how to get my work out in. It's been a little hard because I've been waiting on eating a meal right after coming back home. I think what I'll be doing now is after eating, I'll go ahead with trading and reading the Bible. Afterwards, I'll just prep up to go get a work out. In the meantime, while waiting for a work out, I could as well do the same thing.

I guess I don't really have time for playing silly games now and should go after building them. I think it's this personality of mine that feels like I don't really have time or anything.

Interesting Pick Up

I'm starting to gauge comfortably on my relationship situations now. I think I'm talking to a real girl across this country who I only talked to on the phone. She had a crazy hot accent, but sounded like a middle-aged woman or a dude on a voice changer. I looked up her name and can't reverse image search her photos that she sent. They come up with empty searches on the Internet. I think she's beautiful too.

I did find that her name connects to a middle aged woman so I'm like creating all these conspiracy theories that I want to be broken. I love her personality and the way she texts me back though. She really sounds like a real person who happens to also be busy. She sounds so cute and charming too based on her texts. I don't know but I might have met my match. I'm just holding on best I can, but not going to be disappointed if she is this 50 year old woman. I think I'll still love her anyway, but not pursue anything romantic. It would be just way too unsettling for me. Plus, I would consider it to be a drastic lie that could hurt a considerable amount.

With this other female friend, she looks great from working out and appearing thin. The physical attraction just comes and go and I ignore it with all of my heart, body, and soul. I look at it from natural point of view after disregarding those lustful temptations. She's pretty cool and I appreciate her a great deal, but I don't think she's even my type. She's really sweet too and I love that about her, but she isn't really in the market. It's one of those things where I don't really feel much about pursuing after her, but just like her for who she is mainly.

Oh Boy

Oh boy I'm trying to catch up with these posts again. I've been away from this blog for about a week and notice that I attracted a few readers. That's actually pretty cool if I was making some money off of it, but I'll just consider this doing a little bit of charity work and trying to humor myself from making myself  an open book!

I've picked up on the acoustic guitar lately and been having fun strumming to a tune. A really cool chick (yeah, she's a girl) is actually teaching me for free! She isn't fat or anything either really. She looks pretty normal and has been working out recently. That is so cool because I might get to see her transition into a very hot girl.

She's friends with some guy who runs a studio and he can get us hooked up with some cheap recordings of around $10 an hour. Man, I can seriously handle that and he even said they have a drum set too and he can play a little. I see that maybe we could form a band someday just for kicks and have fun with it. I want to play well obviously and it's just cool so I don't care if nobody listens to us like at an outdoor event.

Becoming Wiser

I think it's practically about just going for it this time around and being true to yourself. Well, I hope not to offend but loving the Biblical Jesus and others in God's image is the right way to go. I'm trying to convey that having a relationship with the Lord is something you can't go wrong in.

I'm going to try to pick up with where I left off in studying the Bible. I'm still stuck in the Old Testament after all this time! Yet the commentary I'm using is a great resource in keeping me up to date with the New Testament anyway. It's making some pretty cool connections, so I don't think I'm missing out. It's still the Bible basically in other words and don't have to worry.

Practically my idea is still the same old and just going after it even if my emotions plain suck. I guess the direction I'm headed is something I shouldn't really doubt in myself because I am trying to include God in my life every step of the way. It just took awhile longer to try to process everything. I'm still not perfect, but looking forward to the day that He grants me membership into His kingdom.

Going After It

Pretty much my view of discipline is to just drop what you are doing and to go after it. So while I'm pointlessly just trying to play video games because it's in my natural inclination to do so, I should just ignore it and do something productive like trying to make video game to get others hooked and become a billionaire myself! No, I'm just kidding about the money part, but I really do want to give myself a hard time to put together a playable game. It might take me years to polish just one, but I think it's worth the rush to add in the finishing touches and sell it for free by adding in some ads or whatever other developers do to try to reel in some cash.

The limitations that I see in accomplishing my really hard and not so always comfy dreams is my own stupid addictions like playing aimless card games that I think exercises my brain and exhaustion. If I can get through those and manage my time really well with at least getting the bare minimum which is studying the Bible, working out, and trading then I should be good. It's crazy in that I can't trade on the weekends because it's not allowed, so I'll have to take some off from that. I'll have to find another thing to add on. If I can just manage to be steady with those three things then I might be able to tack on other things too because I like to keep myself engaged.

All these years, I've been engaged doing foolish things like playing video games that don't make me money in the end!

How the Lord's Day Works?

Well, without question, I'm still sinning on the Lord's Day? if it's meant to be everyday. I'm not proud of it and I don't mean that as a funny joke even though I'm laughing about it. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. That's what the Bible says.

What I'm finding that works is to just go at it and that's about it. The most difficult days I'd so for being addicted to porn is the first three days. The mind just wants to crave the fun attention that you give yourself and continuously get it or however amount before you wear yourself out.

After those days passes, it's like nothing. I went at it again today to test to see how I'm doing in the field of holding it in. I didn't do so well, and it's going to be like that always. However, afterwards I'm really holding it in like a beast after a few times. I'm saying this while laughing too, but it's something to really boast about it for me. It's my own detriment that I keep walking myself into.

I seriously want to settle down but need to get my mind permanently off of this stuff first.

The Lord's Day?

I have a question mark right after this title the Lord's Day? It initially makes me laugh thinking about it. Some people could be like so stupid and that thought makes me laugh even more.

I was originally thinking about busting myself from indulging in unclean behavior of watching some porno clips, but I was like "Nah, it's the Lord's Day today. I really shouldn't." Then, the girl I'm supposed to dating who I met online texted me. That gave me some pretty good distractions to not engage in that behavior from regretting it.

What really got me enticed to do it was that I wanted to measure how long I am. I read some surveys and it's like the ladies who volunteered to answer them were like this so and so size is for us. The average came out to where I'm at. I'm like so yeah, I need to be pumped up for the world and be convinced that I'll make a great lover and all of that, so let's get into my porn ritual that I so want to lay off of.

All of these thoughts circulated, but what started it was what I thought at first was innocent which was looking up on some nudist colonies. It didn't go so well and those people are like nudity doesn't matter but to me, I'm not like them so I guess I shouldn't go there then.

If I treat everyday to be the Lord's day then everything for me may be in order. I might actually get stuff done for once! The Bible is so keen about preaching proper time management. We need to conduct ourselves in that way to live out excellent and productively. I'm going to try it out then, so today is the Lord's day? Along with tomorrow and then the next day and so on and so on, etc. ? I have homework everyday to conduct too, so let's get it done before I go play. I used to be play first and work hard later and still am like that to this day, but maybe treating everyday like it's the Lord's Day? I'll have a better shot at doing homework first instead.  

Well This Is Cool

I'm back to confessing that I want to live spiritually pure life on here. It's helping me to find some solace with myself from trying write stuff like this and come clean. The audience who I'm reaching is honestly people I'm indifferent about attracting. The fact that anyone could have stumbled on this site and started reading is remarkable.

It's just like that dopey kid from like 14 years ago, my old friend, who turned into an old hag with me put a restraining order on me. He was just fed up with me because he couldn't handle what I wrote about him. I never really apologized to him because there's really no problem that he's trying to make a living by himself.

Yeah he lost control with his emotions and did something that hurt me in a way. I think I can forgive him for it now. The Bible even says I should or face holy judgement. I can't stand judgement with flawed reasoning though.

It was really hard for me let everything go. I'm so much more calm about the situation now. I know the other people are in a vulnerable spot because I can exploit them, which is what they are afraid of.

So basically I'm just going to work out, trade on the weekdays, read the Bible, play some original music and sing if I can and even dance, work on programming something, socialize, and cook. That's pretty much all I really need to do for my time. This is assuming that I'll have my basic necessities too like hygiene and dining. My end goal is to live as a Christian who became a millionaire and fit as well with a six pack! It's not going to be easy, but the hard work will be well-worth it to me.

Making the Choice

Everyday it's really about choices. Some are good ones and others can cause some regret later on if not executed properly. Time management is very important. One of my friends does a really good job at this. She executes tasks pretty fast and states that she likes me. What I don't get sort of is that she gives me these nice hugs and then has recently started giving me a pat on the back.

I wonder if that's supposed to a sign of having earned camaraderie with her or that she's just doing that without realizing it. Maybe she's keen on it and trying to give off a friendly message to me. I don't really feel for her as I used to though. During the last year though, I had some really nice hugs with her. I did like her, but now those feelings of attraction have just waned.

I don't think basing love off of physical attraction isn't going to help any cause. I'm not looking at it in that manner. Yet, it's nice to have an outlook of being with a pretty wife in the future.

So back to choices and enough with digressing for once in a blue moon! I literally have a choice each day to whether I want to come home and not work out and just go about watching porn secretly or to keep myself busy with something.

I do have a schedule that I made visually and I have it on my desk. I haven't even really came close to finish the first five of them. What I'm lacking in is that I don't really want to treat my time and that preciously and just let it fly by. I'm totally not paying attention with my time that I'm putting into something. This is where my weakness is in that I'm not going after preparation, where I should be.

Writing A Lot

Well, I could never imagine myself holding up this blog for all these years and to still contain about a million thoughts going through my head. All of these words that I'm writing isn't coming from any field or discipline. It's just my own uncanny personality that doesn't like to use swear words and try to pitch in some humor every so often whenever it feels appropriate for me, even if it doesn't.

I guess I'm opening myself up by trying to talk about my struggles now and being more open about them. One of my qualities is that even though I may list these weaknesses of mine, I'm one who likes to go about fixing them. I want to constantly improve myself and become a better person which is goal.

It was probably better to not get mad at a younger lad who was trying to do his job. I lost my respect for him and so that's probably why I was upset. Honestly, if I'm not going back to read my sentences, I'm messing up with some words and totally putting in a different meaning.

Well I am a bit sleepy right now. My mind is that barely awake and trying to fall asleep right now. It's only 1 am and I should be fast asleep. Yet, it's the weekend so I'm letting my mind ride it out to finish up this blog and get to the day it should be at.

Managing Time Better

One of the things I have to do is control my impulsiveness to play video games. It's like an addiction for me because I crave it from often times feeling like I have nothing to do. Right now, I have no urge to look at porn. The only times I've really done so is that once in awhile, I want to practice and see if I can hold it in and not release too soon from doing a tight grip.

I'm pretty much concentrating and getting about 95% of it, but never really 100% because it's just impossible for me. I think there's that little extra effort that I need to put time into in order to master what I'm looking for. Maybe in fact, instead of being just a little time, it could even take a lifetime to master from the lack of information that I have stored within myself.

Definitely, I'm getting a whole lot better with my chops and doing really well with interacting better. It's a good thing with where I'm headed though. I don't think the people who I gave trouble and who just fired back at me from being mad in a blind sense while denying it.

I managed to beat the people who gave me a hard time. I didn't intentionally mean to give them a hard time in the first place. They were just being buttheads with me because they couldn't handle something that really had nothing do with the person and me. The fact that this confusion took place is that they just refused to see anything else except their own way of status and from being selfish in that manner.

It really did tick me off and I just opened up by just making fun of the person and letting it all out in that direction. I just became blunt and spoke what came out of my heart. It was totally just smack talk and that's all it really was. I think it's normal and funny and that's what I participated with myself in doing. The other person hasn't came after me from doing that.

I guess I'll see what happens because I'm actually interested in making it hard on the other person and making him look bad now. That could probably be one of the reasons why the other person doesn't want to act up with me anymore and be respectful towards me. From me actually being honest, I'm not really that scary but someone who can be related to. From me doing some honest smack talk, it really helped set things in motion for myself though.

Manning Up

After being so used to myself and not trying to just stress myself out with getting things done, I have a totally new approach which is actually trying to enjoy what I'm getting myself into. I don't have those really high and proud expectations for myself anymore. I've also grown past that. To really let myself down and try to ignore it afterwards isn't really that good.

So now it's time for me to put all of this together and get my act straight together. One of the things I've literally have done is letting my mouth go really foul and saying dirty things while no one is around. It's in my ingrained nature to not curse with bad words when people around. When it's just by myself and I put myself through some uncomfortable thoughts, then my mouth can just start running off in a bad way. I would really like to fix this if I can.

I want to live a pure spiritual life even when I'm not around people. I would like to not even have to look at porn ever again if that's even possible while I'm not married and yearning for a good wife to have some great sexual contact with.

Wow this blog is really turning into more adult oriented themes now and I've been trying to keep my mouth shut because I'm worried about little kids reading this site. I don't want to be influenced in bad direction. Are they really that smart to understand what's going on and capable of handling it? I'm going to have assume that if they have the maturity this understand what I'm writing here, then I'll let it be permissible.

I'm not going use swear words even though I do reluctantly in private. I've heard from people a couple times apologize for saying curse words and offending anybody. I just choose not to use it in my vocabulary, even though practically all my friends do say a curse word or two. They even like to deny it they don't use those words sometime! Actually from being around other Christians, it's been nice in that they choose not to. A have a few acquaintances who are true Christians to begin with. I'm trying to live purely as one of them, even though my heart is convicted in the beliefs of Biblical Christianity.

A Few Bad Things I Notice About Myself

I've noticed that when I'm totally self-absorbed on my own thoughts then I'm pretty much absent-minded and not fully concentrating. Basically I'm trying to wing it and be perfect at something while letting my mind just absorb the feelings of some incident and try to soak in the moment. It's something like that, but I'm definitely not focusing on the source that I should be. I notice that when I'm thinking about something else while trying to read the Bible, I'm totally not picking up on anything.

Yet from trying to practice it, I've noticed that just simply focusing on trying to comprehend the text as best as I can and reading at a comfortable pace, I'm able to actually read it somehow. Some verses are still very difficult to understand what God means, but it's just I can read it and have a better idea than I used to now.

That's some area that I notice with myself that I could improve on while reading the Bible, which is taking it pretty seriously and trying to pay attention to the details. I'm just sitting there sometimes and letting my mind just wander off. What I was just thinking now, is this old friend who I lost contact with along time ago. She married a doofus but I don't really care that he is one to me. Anyhow, she talked about how reading the Bible was a chore to her on some occasions. That's very interesting indeed in that she was one to read it daily. She was a little mislead with emotional reasoning too just like we all can be, so it's really hard to find the right guidance for the Bible sometimes.

I guess it comes down to if the soul really wants to will him or herself into having a true spiritual walk with God.

Just the Basics For Me

I guess my basics now is to pretty much just find time after work to work out, do a little trading, and studying a little bit of the Bible each day. I would love to do this. On top of this, I would also like to cook my own meals instead of being reliant of having to go buy it every time. Another thing is that I would like to continue developing in music, song, and dance. Programming on the computer or something related to doing IT is pretty much my last deal, so that's pretty much like my favorite five things that I want to stay on top of if I can each day.  Oh yeah, I would also like to make some time to socialize with people to so I really ought to make the best of this.

I can't really let myself get so carried away with playing video games and watching movies or TV by myself now. I'm letting myself just go and time just flies by fast without me realizing it. I should just ignore those activities and control the self-pressure and out of it feeling I'm going through and just follow through. What makes it hard is that I'm worried about overdoing it and putting myself into some type of depression. I'm a little scared in that sense so I've been just relaxing with games and TV to just try to offset those weird feelings of mine sometimes. I guess I'm trying to distract myself from reality like a drug in some sense. Maybe, I would be a stronger person if I managed those feelings and worked hard to be a successful millionaire with a six pack.

The Basics

Okay, what I need to do is pretty much follow a routine and live up to it even if I'm not really feeling it. I think there's where I'm having trouble managing then. It's a lot of hard work and I'm not totally into all the time, but I think it's good for me to do something anyway. Regardless of whatever I do in life, it's pretty much going to be a privilege anyway that I get to make a living.

To have a living and be able to make a decent earning on something, I guess that's what it's about then.

Where I've Been Messing Up

I guess it's not really a bad thing, but I was just looking up on comments with YouTube just to entertain myself and to watch some dramatized history. I guess I'm letting my eyes get glued onto stuff like that and I shouldn't really have to.

I think it's just the mind wants to be lazy and I don't think I need to let myself get self-absorbed into that. It's time for me to just move on again and keep myself from being stopped cold on the tracks.

Readjusting and Getting Fit

Okay I think this is what I need. I need to go back into working out and getting in shape again. I need to get that motivation and discipline started up so that I can make it happen. I'm messing up by not doing it. It's taking a lot of my time indeed but I think it's worth it.

Getting Back Into Scheme of Things

Okay so I was playing all of these computer games and now I feel pretty sheepish about doing them. I feel very accomplished indeed but I think I can be a little more productive in them now, so that's what I'll be trying to go for then.

Catching Up

Okay it's time for to catch up again. I have been just practically honest and doing my own thing. I'm not really trying to attract attention or anything, but I guess it's just what it is. I'm going to try to finish this up again because I haven't been blogging on this thing for awhile this month.

Discipline

What I can liken to discipline a lot with right now is that it could be in the same way as making love the right way! Special attention and care needs to be given and a lot of hard work comes from the preparation to go after the ultimate experience. It requires constant love and just to maintain the pleasure there needs to be good feedback. With love making, communication has definitely got to be key.

Realizing what I'm capable of from practicing with porn is really bad for me. I'm still not desensitized to it where it won't have any effect on me, but I don't count on going there. I've been using it for my own gain of trying to learn how to properly give pleasure to the partner. It's really boring from looking at this angle. I just can't see it as a form of entertainment really when it totally goes against my personal morals. I'm never going to go after fornicating, maybe in my head, but never physically in person. I just can't do it and it's been ingrained in me that I won't do it and still won't be willing, if I were to even be raped by the best lover in the world. Well, if she was my wife, things change in an instant of course.

Coming To Terms With It

Last night, I figured out that I don't need porn to help myself do some edging. If you don't know what that is, I'm not really going into detail. Yet, I was working on the sensitive part and could last only about three minutes with a strong grip. Okay, this is really bad for me to continue doing. I just feel guilty about doing all of this stuff.

I think I'm ready to let it go. One of my insecurities was keeping me from moving on and pushing forward to more healthier and lengthier things. Sometimes the ego wants to be impatient and lazy. It just will give up. Like my good friend here, he tries to give effort and then just believes that his I.Q. level isn't good enough. With all of that confusion, he also adds on some paranoia. He'll say it was the cause of co-workers, but I think he brought that upon himself. It's hard to say because he probably doesn't fully understand it to an extent that he can get a grip of it yet.

I was ailing for a long time over that stupid church girl putting a restraining order on me. It wasn't domestic abuse or anything. She just did it under the pretense of kicking me out of her church. It wasn't done out of love. A loving person wouldn't act that way. She totally sinned from being overly protective with her self-interests which is promoting her ideas of how to behave. It had no love in it because she was too mad to realize that she was going overboard. She was blinded by it, but now I can state how embarrassing it would be for her with me bringing it up. I can direct those types of personal attacks now with her to make her shut up!

Yeah, I'm able to put her and those stupid church people who were involved in a totally hopeless case with me in their place. I made a promise with God first that I would become a millionaire with a six pack before I went to do anything foolish with them. It's pretty much a spiritual battle for me here with the flesh and growing spirit inside of me. I've been very selfish lately from being self-absorbed about my own dealings. Yet, when I tune in to God's Word it feels very miraculous and such a relief for me. I do want to live purely in that manner and it's a struggle for me daily.  

Getting Away From Habits

Last night, I came back from snowboarding and for about an hour I felt like I was in a vulnerable situation. I felt like I had nothing to do and just felt bored and lazy. It's a feeling that makes you feel shut off. I don't like that feeling. I don't feel that way right now though. I guess it's because I was just tired and not in the mood for anything. I don't really feel that way right now!

Yet, I was like hmm I'm in the mood for having sex. Yet, I have no wife. Okay, let's google for some pornography to practice off of. I was gripping pretty hard and lasted like 11 minutes and fast forwarded lots of boring parts. After that I felt bad, like I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I'm like this on occasion. It can be a chain where I do it for consecutive days and then just blow off on it for months and than get back onto it again.

There's something seriously motivating me, and I think it's that I really long to have crazy good sex in a marriage with a beautiful Christian lady. Does she even exist? I would like to do this regularly as crazy as it seems, but I think just once in awhile would be something I could behave for as well.

Might as well just learn to control the urges for myself now so that I don't get really messed up by looking at porn in marriage. That's just pure disgusting for the soul and not right thing to do. If I learn to control it now with no wife, then I could seriously mess myself up with a tempting girlfriend who wouldn't be right for me anyway. I don't want to find myself in this trap.

I'm going to go after stopping it and I think it might be my calling to do so from the Holy Spirit. It could be to ask forgiveness and repent and go for living with a clean spirit and to live in purity.

Embarrassing Act

I'm basically scared about blowing my load early. I'm still on my way to becoming a 40 year old virgin. I don't really care that I haven't engaged in it, but studying about sex all these years now, I think I know what to do.

The intimacy that girls long for and the physical act that makes you feel from seeing an attractive lover for the guy. It's a bunch of added confusion in the mix too if they aren't married. It sucks to break up after a long sexual history like that.

In a way, it's better to go for tying the knot first. I believe this from a human point of view and with the right mindset and heart, it also will align with the Bible. The Bible speaks of something that's so pure and good and well-intended. It's the light that's supposed to expose the darkness and deceit and bad stuff. It gives guidance.

I am so pro-Bible and looking into it. It's complicated from not being put in today's terms, but yet, from scholars who take the time to research on it and spread the word for us who are not called into that field, it's a blessing to be able to find that material and then apply it to our own spiritual lives.

Aww Man

I've been out of this for almost two weeks now. Looks like I'm playing a little quick catch up. Okay I'm looking to try to get back onto the spiritual route again with Jesus. Jesus isn't baloney to me and I guess my weakness to me is that I'm very much a human being.

I just don't believe in doing some things blatantly out of nothing. I totally believe in not fornicating, but I'm tempted all the time basically. That's what pornographic material does to people.

What I have to admit that I've been doing is that I've been to trying to excuse my sin of indulging myself in that material by arguing to myself that a little won't hurt me. I'm pretty much very much into the idea of sharing a great physical love life and high activity that includes athleticism maybe with just the heterosexual spouse. I'm really iffy about homosexuality too because it's not really blessed by God and kind of something that mankind does to please themselves.

Love comes in all forms right? It shouldn't matter who we choose to love and all of that right? Is homosexuality really a love or is it just indulging in lustful behavior like heterosexuality for people who go with multiple partners?

These questions really can challenge people who never really think about it. It's just laziness if you tell me, but if you present the information right for both sides, it doesn't matter after both let out their steam. This is human nature that I've been coming to recognize as a person myself whose made a few people mad about disagreeing with homosexuality.

Haven't Posted For Awhile

Obviously I ended up just binge posting last month and just going off on an honest rant about myself. How I find pornography to be not the greatest thing on this planet while being alive. What I did end up doing though is that I watched some YouTube videos about what porn stars are into and I'm not really going into those details.

I noticed that from me just being very open about my life and including my talks about finding a possibly long distance girlfriend, it really generated some traffic on to this blog site. This gets me thinking now that if I'm overly and brutally honest about stuff I'm supposed to keep secret, then there goes my life!

If I end up talking about sex at an honest viewpoint, yeah it's going to be even more interesting. It's coming to my own shame that I'm voluntarily exposing. Good thing that I didn't put my name on here. I have some other people's names on here that I mentioned. How I didn't get in trouble for it, it's a wonder because I have trouble putting it together. This would have meant if they came after me, I would have had something bad happen to me, but the thing is though, I would have gone biting back and maybe that's not really worth it to them to stay vested in their personal interests and self-worth regarding me.

Basically Try All My Might

I have so many things going for me that I'm just trying to be better. Okay so I'm going to admit what I did, I let myself wonder from looking at sexual imagery in the Hellraiser movie series. I was typing in sex scenes just to see the gore attached to it and some nudity. Okay, it's bad and I know it. A friend texted me and was like what you doing let's hang out. I'm like okay, and I got out of that mentality. I guess that's why it's good to have great friends around like that.

I also have been interested in looking at celebrities' breast sizes every so often which is weird now that I mention it. I'm probably not going to and after having concealed all of this for six years on this site, it's not easy for me to be so direct like this with everybody reading this. I feel embarrassed. 

I think the girlfriend I have in Virginia has a great body, so yeah, I guess having a wife then will be great to look at. I'll probably just stick to that then and not try to let my mind wander off like that because I'm just desiring something that I can't reach at that moment. 

The Lord is good and I need constant reminder that His love is amazing and working in our lives. My babe has been doing that for me and I'm so grateful to have met her. I hope God allows this to be a truly blessed relationship and that it really is His answer to my prayers of finding a good and attractive Christian woman to marry. Honestly, it has to deal with seeking after His kingdom and righteousness somehow. I want to put the Lord first over my life before ours and she said she's cool with that. 

Favorite Bible Verses

For the sinful man that I am and how I so relate to others in this world who are in similar boats, I've these two verses to be most helpful for me if I can remember them right now. I might have forgotten the second one by now after having written the first one.

Basically, it says to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and then all these things shall be added onto you. (Matthew 6:33)

I remember a Jewish psychiatrist telling me that he ripped out the whole book of Matthew. I thought it was funny to mention because that verse comes from that book. He was probably mad about the whole ideas centered around Jesus in that book. I was really helpless to say anything at the time because he was treating me for temporarily hearing voices that were accusing me of being gay and constantly asking to come out and play with them.

As one can see, I'm not really so paranoid about things after going through that period of my life. It lasted about three years in my teenager years. I think I was so depressed from getting bad grades and alienated myself from friends and the world. In the Japanese and Korean culture (I am full Korean blood), some students will commit suicide from feeling they shamed their family after failing an entrance exam. I heard a very smart girl who got into an Ivy League school do the same thing after being depressed from scoring really low on her IQ test. Those kids were probably just incredibly depressed from having this performance driven attitude. This need to impress others from succeeding when they wanted it so badly.

So yeah, I've toughened up and I'm part of the super low 30% success rate from facing a psychological meltdown. I don't really care about revealing this part of myself and it's very scary actually to talk about with others. I feel chills coming down my bones because of those voices telling me to come out and play with them. I told them to shut up by the way and took that medication that deactivated them permanently. I missed them like a weirdo for a brief period afterwards. That's where I really sought out talking to real people in this world and making friends and getting to know Jesus better.

Time To Move On

I think the biggest hurdle for me in causing problems with the people that were stupid around me is that I wasn't able to open up to them that very well. Surely, those people were like imbeciles with me and lacked so much reasonable emotions to stay calm. They were acting like brutes in an emotional sense from the cave man period. I'm joining in with them too and going to be grunting my way around so yeah, so much goes into making fun of them.

I don't think they were aware of how silly they were being in being mad about something that hardly has any weight. Yet, I found it to be an important thing for me because I wanted to establish something that felt crazy to them. They never heard me saying this, I don't think they are the best people around in this world and are not meant to be at the top of the food chain; hence, their refusal to get along will only be met with mockery from others and more misery upon them in the later future.

I was trying to sugar code and be nice to them, while being so apologetic. They were saying all this stuff but it's now obvious to me that they were just being crazy with me.

Anonymous Circle Meeting

This is my one man discussion led by me. I'm admitting to my fault with the guilty pleasure of reverting to viewing porn for the sake of masturbation. It feels very good at that moment, but afterwards I'm like man, I'd rather have a wife to enjoy this with and maybe bring forth a beautiful child to raise as well.

Yeah, it's not good for me. I'm admitting this and now if any kids who don't know what I'm talking about is reading this. Well, this is pretty much adult material that I'm diving into now. I figure a kid would have to be extremely bright to be on this site and stumble on it and that I was once in their shoes too.

I had a period of using a naughty software designed by a rebellious youth to generate fake credit card numbers and try to get on some prominent adult sites back in the day. I was a liar because I think I was about 13 or 14 and it said you had to be over 18 or 21. I jumped the gun early and messed up my sleep cycle. I managed to get A's in class because of my hyper sensitive hormones acting up to succeed at viewing super slow dial up porn.

That was back in the day and I regret doing that kind of stuff in searching for explicit content for the sake of never ending curiosity and getting temporary pleasure out of it. It surely messed me up in finding true love.

Yet in the midst of all that stupidity I dived into, I found a renewed love for the things of the Lord. So yeah, I struggle from time to time in not reverting back to my old habit with viewing porn. The longest I've probably gone was just a year of abstinence. I'm looking to work on it being permanent and waiting on a lady who says she loves me and is stuck somewhere in Virginia.

Bad Stuff I've Done?

Okay, I'm assuming now that I'm addressing to a responsible crowd and that everything I say is pretty much not going to have anybody coming to me with the purposes of trying to lecture me. This is my own site after all and it's pretty much the beauty of it with me trying to put up something appreciable for everybody.

Obviously this is something I'm doing for free thanks to google and their 15 GB free offer for storage on my e-mails. I'm already up to like 5 GB of e-mails now, which is pretty funny considering how much junk I've really signed up for. I think I need to change up on that again with the settings.

I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this but I'm part of a kinky social group led by a young girl. I found them on a meetup site. I haven't been to any of their social gatherings but I do like to read up on what she's arranging for people like singing in the nude for comedic effort.

I haven't done any drugs and I can be so much crazier without doing anything illegal so why would I want to kill myself. This has been my reasoning all throughout my high school to now. I'm never changing and never going to try that stuff and even avoid people who are into that.

I've tried smoking a cigarette when I was little because my dad was heavily on it back then. I ended up choking on it and it was like the most painful cough I ever experienced in my life. I vowed to never smoke after that and I've lived up to it ever since. I was between 8-10 years old if anyone is wondering.

I even tried a beer at that young age unwittingly because a drunk relative told me it's water and to take a sip. I took a sip and was like yuck. That too scared me from drinking beer for a long time. And then football with the guys and pizza. Very unhealthy lifestyle but so fun and mellow. I cracked open a beer that time and yeah, it was like the best tasting ever. Okay, I'm not a drinker then but more for social purposes.

I figure I don't need alcohol or drugs to inhibit me. I have the courage underneath me to live it out while I'm fully aware of stuff going on. All of that torment and hard stuff that I'm feeling, yeah I'm experiencing it and trying to ride it out. From having constantly done that, I'm more used to taking on crazier things that I put myself through.

Sweet Almost Done

Sweet my amount of posts needed for the month is up. I actually like putting it all out there in one setting. This is nothing really and it's so easy. It's just cheap and I don't expect to be famous or anything. I'm not looking for that. I think the reason why I'm doing this is because it gives some peace of mind. I just might start opening up everything going on in my life. Instead of trying to make this a website thinking that toddlers will be coming on here to read something insensitive like I've been doing anyway as a hypocrite, maybe I should open up more about everything.

This is after all my personal life that I'm talking about and it has enough sensitive information from me just being plain honest. I will be just keeping secrets that I have to legally because come on that's just common sense. With stuff that I feel isn't really tied to me or some shady practices that I'm engaging in, I might as well let it spill.

Worse People Out There

Yeah, I'm only 5' 3" and at the same time I know someone who is shorter than me. We are close friends and the friend is a slightly overweight guy who struggles with athleticism. It frustrates me sometimes a little because I want him to do better.

I'm a little hesitant to include him in my social grounds right now because he is searching for a girlfriend. What I personally believe in my own convictions is that with a girl, you should be the one who finds her or let someone formally introduce you with the intention of setting you up. The problem I've ran up with this guy is that he's been trying and to not that much success. I think his standards are a little way too high compared to where he is at the moment. He gets tired and a little lazy with pursuing things that are good to him, so I guess that may be the reason why he isn't in a serious relationship. Maybe it's just because he lacks some tenacity.

Another side is that he comes across to me if I were a girl as a little too plain and genetically not that much to offer. He can be a sweet and reasonable teddy bear with everybody too. It's pretty hard to gauge things for him. He's been trying to be successful with establishing love somehow with attractive friends in our circle. I don't think that's happening anytime soon and it's not that simple. They are just friends with us for a reason. He should be pursuing for love and not some simple friendship. I'm not sure what his ideas are of settling down yet.

Even Though It's Hard

For a pretty short guy that I am, my mom keeps telling me so what and yeah, it's hard but so what? It doesn't really help my psyche or confidence in one bit and through several stages of falling into bitter resentment and jealousy of others taller me, I had to find this personal confidence on my own. It still wavers around a lot, unless I'm walking with the Lord. The Lord's strength is very powerful and the Spirit just manifests all over my heart where I'm not focused on the things of the Earth anymore but for the Lord's kingdom. It's an amazing feeling and I'm not at all judgmental about other's appearances from experiencing it.

I think it's important to be truthful and stay in prayer and to be studying and practicing God's Word. These are the fruitful elements to walking an abundant Christian life. I should be doing them myself and from constantly trying to pay attention to sermons on the radio and from walking into a weekly Bible study at a church, I think I'm making some sense out of what I'm conveying.

Plans To Focus On

Well for my girlfriend situation, I met her on a dating website and she's allegedly in Virginia right now while I'm near Los Angeles. She stated she has a home in the San Francisco Bay area and was recently asking me to lend her some money for her escrow. I was like no babe, I can't. I don't have anymore money.

Even though she comes across as a great gal and is rather tall for me by being three inches taller than me, oh boy it's going to be interesting. I'm also hanging out with a cool girl who is an inch and half taller than me. We both don't seem to mind and she's so cool about acting as my wing girl. She's a cute friend and musically talented. I like her actually.

One Area

One area that I will struggle the most with will be trying to take on some dance class and learning some steps while also socializing with people on a daily basis. I guess I can consider the workplace to be a social ground for me so I won't have to put that much consideration into it, except on the weekend then. 

Pretty much it's going to be about socializing for me and doing well at it and managing my time to get everything out of the way best as possible. It's going to make me so successful if I can manage to be consistent at it. I think I just need to give all of this that I'm planning and dedicate it to the Lord for His goodness and love for me. 

Committing Myself

I think I'm going to have to work around the clock like 24/7 to live fully with my plans. This pretty much means I'm probably seldom going to be able to afford watching TV. Definitely though going out to see a move is really fun for me though and I don't mind socializing in that type every once in awhile.

This also means that I'm going to have to work on getting adequate rest too. Basically I'm looking at probably sleeping around 10:00 to 11:00 pm and waking up 5 am on a normal work day for me. With the traffic being a major killer and having dinner with the folks quite often, it takes up a lot of time for me. I need to figure something out to optimize my time so I can get a little of my seven areas into my daily life.

It's going to be hard, but I think I'll be trying anything to make it work this time around. It may feel weird trying to do bits and pieces, but that's probably what I'm only going to be able to afford.

Not So Worried About Rejection

I think one of the best qualities about myself is that now I'm not really feeling quite so selfish and angry about a girl turning me down if I really like her. I'm doing well in that area now and can actually still manage to recover fairly quickly and move on too.

I really like to take my time though in figuring out a girl and getting to know her before I go for pursuing something with her. I'm not quite so fast at it and it may be but never know I guess, I'll just let it be natural.

Just Writing Anything

I guess I'm just starting to recover from a lot of bad stuff that happened to me with people. Those people are a bunch of idiots too! Oh well, it's just how it is and I have to keep on living and relying on the spirit of the Lord for all my strength.

I guess it's pretty ironic and deceptive to think about the most shallow things and be upset over not having them. This isn't really living a true and meaningful life. Being able to conquer those things that bring you down starting from your own heart is very cool.

Maybe No Time

I might not really have that much time to really do anything in the week, so I really am going to have to be diligent about my time management. It's really not that good for me to just mess up on stuff continuously. I'd rather not let that happen and just be cool.

Let My Mind Wander

I've actually been a little taken away from reading up on a horror movie genre and just curious about it. It does seem pretty cool to say nonetheless, but I think I know what I'm really watching it for and it might not be a spiritually healthy thing for me to continuously dwell on.

I'd rather let that I experience utmost pleasure from acknowledging God's ways and that's pretty much doing everything properly and with the right heart. I'm once again reminded of God's love from what I have going on in my simple and lackluster life at the moment. I just need to keep pursuing and trying hard, I guess.

A Few Things I Have In Mind

Bible (God), Work Out, Trade, Cook, Program Games, Socialize, Music and Dance. This is pretty much what I'm good for doing with my free time. It's within seven categories so it should be good then.

Stop Wasting Time

I think I just need some good friends to keep me on my toes and focused. I think I need to just keep pursuing after the love of Christ and going after what I've been born to do instead of just lounging around and not doing anything.

Current Schedule

Well, one thing that keeps me the most busy is my work that I'm doing. I would honestly like to not have a traditional 9 to 5 job if possible and just be rich off my butt from having made subtle and legal investments that just turned into crazy profits! Maybe everybody wants that, but I think anyone just can't pursue after it because it's like not part of human nature to think any possibilities about it.

Anyhow, I'm going after it now. What a pretty good business model can be is two ways- generating a lot of money from working on a few high quality and expensive products or selling something really quick that's cheap and popular. Either way, a company will be prosperous in making money.

Starting To Put It Together

From working at my new normal time, I've been having a hard time getting started with doing some things that I want to do on my free time. I guess it's just going to take a bit more effort and sacrificing some things that I won't really have any time to get to at the moment. What I'm really talking about is that it would be nice to get a Master's in business computer programming and I have a strong start in it with my first two courses.

I think what fueled me to succeed is that I know what I think I want. It's dealing with a career in making video games. I'm really starting to factor in that I don't really have that much time to let my mind wander off that much. It's probably better that I stay straight and focused like a robot for now and let the good stuff come to me naturally in time from putting in the hard work.

New Schedule

So it looks like I'm going to be working out on evenings when I come home from work everyday. I'll be working on everything and going after bigger muscles with a six pack and have the endurance for completing a triathlon!

I'm going to make Wednesday nights my fun one and I'll go do some indoor rock climbing and bowling. I think I'm on my own here. That's how much of a loner I am and can't really find anyone to go with. It would be nice with having someone around but I guess I'm going to have to work on socializing more and going for making a girlfriend who enjoys doing those things with me.

A lot of the girls I talk to are busy people. I wonder what it would be like to have a loving relationship with one of them physically. I have something like that on paper right now from just texting a girl I met online.

Making Time For Things

It looks like it's my second month of the new year already. Valentine's Day is almost already around the corner which is cool, but I have no lady to really celebrate it with. The girl I've been talking to is so far away from me right now. Yeah, it's really hard in general!

With me walking into places, I might actually feel like a girl with a huge frame. I'm sure she might have some insecurities underneath. I'm getting a lot of inward chuckles about how short I really am now. I don't really care anymore what people think or say about my height.

Other than that, I still wish I was tall enough so that it would be easier to dunk a basketball! It would maybe have been great to even gain a longer length for rock climbing or towering over other athletes in a soccer or football field.

I'm a little envious of tall people who could do those things, but looking at how I turned out, I'm sort of smiling about it. I think I'll just continue to do the best I can to gain a closer walk with the Lord!

Online Dating Update

Well it looks like the person who said her dad passed away hasn't really texted me back and says she's really busy. Okay, this is contrary from what I remember awhile ago from what a scammer did to me.

I think if I really came clean on here with everything that I did then it would be pretty therapeutic. I tell my friends all the time and I guess that's where it happens to be appropriate. There's just one topic in my head that I think isn't too appropriate for minors so I'm going to try to avoid it.

Yeah, I'm sure from me talking about it. It probably would make this blog seem to be less childish. I'll really think about it in pouring out everything I have to say.

As long as it's not illegal, I can live with being honest on here. The only thing though is that it might be better not to because what if I lost my sense. Yeah, I don't feel too comfortable talking about some topics personally. I might as well go for what feels okay to discuss about.

Making Adjustsments

Again, I'm finding myself just doing same old routine and losing some precious time. I'm just procrastinating when I get home and dragging on something that I would like to do. I think it's time that I just let it go.

I think seriously from praying to God in a daily manner, it's actually helping me out a lot. Maybe that's the right thing for me to do which is just praying to Him and seeking after His kingdom. Yeah, I sound like another nonsensical Christian maybe, but I truly believe in the Lord.

I could maybe stop living in sin from catching myself and try to keep myself from reverting back at least.

Not Afraid To Move On

I guess from placing God first in my life and letting that online date know, she's actually cool with that. I asked her what verses she's been studying and she's able to reference some cool Bible passages. She talks about saying prayers for me and sticking to her loving dad.

What doesn't make sense to me is that she said her dad all of a sudden lost his life. She texted me that she's sad and still that she loves me dearly. Man, I feel like this person is going to ask for donations to prepare for supposed funeral that I'm skeptical about. I'm going to look like a heartless person and be like no to this person.

I already gave her two $50 iTune card numbers from a pic I took with my phone. She said she was going to trade it in for hard cash. I was like hey babe, that's very cute. Her story is that she wants to work for Apple. Anyway I've never done that before and for the novelty of it, I gave this stranger who says she loves me dearly practically all the time she texts me, those numbers!

 I told her that's the best I can do for her and that I love her genuinely from all the nice texts this person has been sending. If the person is a dude, man my hats off to him. I gave a nice hearty tip that I could afford and not hurt my budget. From Christmas, I ended up sharing a nice chunk of my bonus to this person too. It was just from this weird feeling of wanting to have a heart of giving. Man, now this person keeps texting me with different flirtatious ways of saying she loves me and even carries a conversation with me.

 Umm, I guess it's the end of the line for me in giving. I put myself out there and that's the best foot I placed forward in giving it a shot. Next time, if this weird relationship that it is right now doesn't work out, I'm just going to be nice about declining sending others donations and be ready to move on. It's too uncomfortable for me. If money becomes a problem and if the scammer is going to keep asking for money and give excuses or just flat out make you feel unpleasant, the person isn't worthwhile anyway.

I regret it and it was from lack of judgement. I should be helping out more of my family members and close friends I feel very close bonds too and also believe in instead of strangers who are just felt out asking for money from having no shame in doing so. From making this mistake, I feel more responsible with the good friends I have now. I feel like I have to be mature with them.

Time is Precious

So it looks like the love of my life I met online could end up actually being a faker. I'm really pessimistic about it right now because I sent this person a special $500 Christmas gift exactly on December 25th of last year. I don't know why I did it, but it just felt good to me. I haven't even met her yet in person.

I guess I'm crazy for saying God bless you and from the joy of my heart because it was combined for Christmas and her birthday. I don't know if she even made up her birthday. I don't even know if I can trust this person, but she's been saying the right things to me.

I'm just going to play along nicely with this person. Maybe she's actually a 50 something year old merchant who is struggling financially right now. I'm not giving any more donations. The funny thing is that the person hasn't been asking me for any favors really and just constantly sending me messages about how I'm loved.

I guess if you give someone who feels neglected of attention something they want, they'll feel very grateful. Maybe her saying that she loves me so much is her way of saying thank you daily to me.

Trying To Keep Up To Date

Well, I need to get back into working out and dropping a few pounds. Now I'm going to work out to try to get bigger biceps as always and to get stronger there. I have many different options that I like for working out and I guess I will be utilizing them as a routine.

The hard part is trying to work my schedule around the new traffic jams that I'm getting. It takes a lot of my time away and have to make adjustments. A lot of this is hard and I'm trying my best to keep at it, so that's the best I can do for now.

Another great thing is that I'm starting to figure out the type of person I really want to be.

Not Having That Much Time

Boy I feel a little displaced and disappointed at myself because I didn't finish up the mark of 31 posts for last month. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it. I might as well just move on.

Getting Back In Line

I guess the minimum goal that I have in mind is again reading the Bible, working out, and trading. It's going to take some mental effort to make this thing a daily routine for me, so I will trying very hard to make it happen.

Getting Ready For Work

It looks like I still want to read the Bible, exercise, and trade daily. I'm coming home fairly late in the evening like just around dinner time. I don't really like I'm not able to spend that much time up before I get pretty tired because I have to up early in the morning. I'm starting to realize that I may not have time to goof off as much as I used to in the weekdays if I want to get in shape and be successful with where I want to be.

So Busy

Oh boy I'm so busy and I'm catching myself doing some things that I ought not to be doing. One thing that I'm seeing is that I'm eating and that I should be exercising. That's pretty bad and I need to get back into it. My folks are like out of the funk. They don't seem to care so much about not being able to work out and getting bigger underneath. I'm not a big fan of that. They seem to be oblivious to it.

I do notice the benefits of being leaner and stronger. I can move better with more energy and think more efficiently. I like it in a sense and it feels like it makes you built for success.

No Idea

When it comes to effort, it requires individual readiness. What that means is that the background of the person needs to be established, so the person can enjoy greater success out.

I really have no idea what I'm talking about. What I do know is that chasing after following God's wisdom and being in love with Jesus will seriously help out any fellow out.

Aw Man

Oh golly, I messed up by not posting the additional four posts yesterday. Man I must have been so busy. Okay, I'll try to make that up right now.