Becoming Totally Useless But Not Over

I just feel like writing just one sentence today and calling it the night. It feels like I'm really out of gas right now from writing so much of whatever things that I really needed to write about. It's like I was in a state where I could just write about anything and even look all foolish about it and not really care. The only thing I care about when it comes to writing is legal issues and not getting sued so that's why I've been sticking to trying to tell the truth to the best of my ability, even if it would mean that it looks like I'm trying to bag on myself.

With this whole truth will be told deal, I started laughing about some things I have mentioned about some people who were being weird with me and now I sort of feel sorry to reflect on what they might have really been through in life. Life isn't really about money in general, but money is what I need because I made the decision to screw myself up by starting a business and now the business has been making me some money, just that I have to put it on hold again because I need to find a real job where I can drill myself in time and feel like it's killing me extremely slowly. It's like the boredom is going to catch up to me and summon the Grim Reaper to use its scythe on me before I turn into an old geezer.

Maybe a real job will seriously give me some room to pay off some minimum payments, unless I create a Donations page that talks about how I want to be a lazy bum with a computer who talks about useless stuff on this blog and collect a million dollar bills from a million different people. I wonder if I could convince everybody who lives in China to just spare a dollar. Yeah, that would be nice for everybody because China is technically the majority of people in the world, so they would just have to pay a million dollars each to only a billion people in the world- it sounds very doable. Let's see, a million times a billion is technically like "God knows where the universe is" type of money.

After Effects With Short-lived Confidence

Well, this isn't sounding really good because for the moment I was all on fire then afterward, I'm back to feeling a little blue again because of the challenges surfacing with my life. It's true that I'm of age to figure out my direction now so that being said, I also would love to point my direction to the sky and command it to let money and coins rain down like water; no, I'm just kidding and trying to be lame for the purposes of nothing. I've figured out the best solution for me which will pretty much tie in with all my desires now. It's pretty much just a really tough compromise with everything.

Go figure, for the next couple years, I'm going to have to be a flawless driver. Well, my record is pretty much marked clean except for an aggravated cop who was in a bad mood complaining about me not using my right signal on a green light and then turning onto the street. I'm not sure if he would showed up to the courthouse to defend his case, if I was ready to laugh about it with the judge and told him that. Actually, cops are human too now that I think of it. He was just going through a bad day, I guess and I could have cheered him up or something like that- I could have said that I feel sorry if he's been through any trouble. Oh yeah, the idiocy that's a part of me causes realizations to lag for awhile. The hard thing is tolerating that I understand these situations and wish I could go back to undo something and that I can't and have to fix the current situation.

There's a job opportunity that might fit right for me even though it's really lame compared to what I potentially can get done. Since it's part time and gets me out during the afternoon with a pay check that will barely pay what I owe each month, so technically paying interest forever and paying off my car bills, the only way I'm going to break this spell is to muster enough fortune and gain some more talent with doing what I know I'm capable of being and actually getting in there for the most profit. It's just the most reasonable and logical thing I can think of with my situation. I was looking into teaching English at a foreign country which would be cool but there's a limit to how much money can be sent back home and that wouldn't be good for my pretty huge  bills at the moment.

It's going to be hard to balance in doing everything I want and making timely and efficient payments to let go of debts. The only way to get a fair opportunity is to get logical here, no matter how aggravating or annoying someone wants to be in an unintentional way with me sometimes and make it happen.

New Day With A Whiff of Confidence

I went to this vacuum cleaning business one time and applied for it- it was a pretty neat opportunity for sales people because they didn't do background checks and were only concerned about being presentable to customers and bringing in sales. There were some pretty girls there who also tried to befriend me a little haha- I guess this whole being short thing isn't always a big problem if the person doesn't act like he's short and pretty concerned about the big picture. Oh yeah, it also helps when the person is truly in love with someone and then it gets to be like, those passing moments or what put it there don't really matter anymore as long as the person is with that person. 

Anyhow, the leader of the vacuum cleaning business manages to sell tons of $1000 machines to just regular people and earn a six figure income. Trust me, the product is really nice and really gets the job done- that it doesn't even need to make advertisements to survive and has been in business for over 50 years already, while doing the same method of finding people through the warm market. Oh, there are also some appointment setters who worked off of commission and were always successful in finding people. When I was trained, they even made appointments at a poor apartment complex- man, that's good!

I tried calling up Betty (the one I've written positive about the most from the weird church that ousted me haha) who probably was confused by my reason to call her and joke about cleaning her bed of dust mites with my trusty vacuum cleaner that was given to me just try for free from being employed with them. It just felt good to give it a try even though Betty ended up blocking my calls after haha. I'm sure it made her a little mad too somewhere, which caused her to get a little rowdy with me. Betty isn't really my type but I'm still managing to build something decent with her which is what matters to me the most- it's a friendship of a lifetime that feels like I need to put a lot of effort into haha. I ended up leaving because I asked some guys how much they were making and they said none so far from being a bunch of newbies and thinking about it, I wanted to pursue a technological career with my computer degree at that time so I ended up leaving after a week. The leader was really nice to me and paired me with one of his best sales lady. He didn't even ask questions about my computer background, which usually causes coworkers to get very sensitive about it when I bring it up at a regular workplace.

These days, I pretty much withdrew my 3 months living expenses from the stocks because even though I've made good money- I put myself in a hole and just have to pay off my car payments because I'm behind almost three months and in trouble of getting a repo! Man, I can't afford that even though the banks are making a lot of money off of me right now. Because of this situation and how my income will be depleted, I have to get a regular job for a little while. The only thing really keeping me going is myself right now which is hard but the thought of having found something I really like doing for a business is helping me a pretty good deal, and I just need to have enough income to make minimum payments and then get the real fun started with my stocks again. The currency market will always be there, and it doesn't care whether I leave or come back- it's just a place I feel like I can belong and relate to these days.

Making Minor Adjustments

It looks like the majority of people don't really stay up that late or do they and still go to work early the next morning? Because, it looks like I might be joining them very soon. Despite having some financial success with day trading right now and probably going to be making a living out of it from having found the correct path which came from investing in mentoring programs and software packages that ended up working for me, I could sure put some more money into the currency trade. No matter how some people may want it, there's going to be no way for me to get banned from this side of the market- this is pretty much hard earned money from putting the time in to gain some discipline and yet, I'm still learning a lot about the market and will probably always.

I read about  the U.S. government banning hedging for U.S. residents who participate in the Forex market. It's pretty much a strategy that lets you play in both sides of a market. Pretty much the reason why the Forex will probably always be here up until the time of the world uniting in one currency or a Saddam Hussein-like creature nuking the whole planet is because there's always a seller and buyer at any given time of the market open. I'm sure Communistic countries have a form of exchanging goods with money so they would fit just right in with the rest of those bears and bulls. The Middle Eastern market in the setting time which took place in the movie Disney's Aladdin gives a nice example of sellers and buyers. Remember, how Princess Jasmine in disguise was about to lose her right hand by a gruesome-looking sword of a nasty looking royal guard from giving an apple to a hungry driven orphan boy? I think that's what happened- maybe I could be dreaming; it's been so long since I've seen that movie haha.

Well, it's tough to be a thief in the Forex market because the money you put in to exchange for profit no matter how much you try to control the 4 trillion dollar daily market could just become digested all of a sudden and end up in somebody's hands no matter what. Did you know that a risk-taking millionaire became a billionaire overnight from trading in Forex? I wonder what would have happened if it potentially became like engulfed in flames- would he jump off a bridge like Mr. Carnegie was contemplating back in the day when his investments turned into pennies?

Regardless of failure, Carnegie jumped right back into his business and it picked up his wealth again. The moral of the story is to pretty much work hard for something and not let failure be where the rubber meets the road. I'm smelling burning rubber already from failing so much but I seem to have numbed out the pain. I'm glad the Internet can hook people up with some talented people giving secrets of other successful people away to the regular people so that they could make money off of it and take their competition out. Maybe the secret will become outdated, but while being in use, there are the regular people who can actually promote in a good honest fashion the things that actually work in life they ever come across. 

One of My Motivational Uprisings

I guess some of my addictive endeavors are better for me to leave alone now and to let those things transpire into something more patient. I might as well give a little more effort for trying to obtain some needs and then just accept that I'm a failure in the end if I can't now. For myself, I feel motivated to try for obtaining some satisfactions as long as I'm alive and meaning well with others. It's the real hardships that I've been through which I finally understand now and have acquired valuable discernment over, which allows me to now to see things better with laughter whether things were going well for me or not now.

Something that has become very useful is acquiring the ability to read and store some information in the mind and then recalling them to make some inferences with ideas. In a world that's ever changing with technology and how people think, I believe that traditional learning never really changes. I guess I'm turning into an old fart now because I'm thinking about kids' futures now.

Because of these experiences, I actually value them a lot now and some of them just came at a random coincidence which pretty much forced me to shape up. These weird people in my life probably just make up a sentence of a chapter in my life's book. In a way, I'm still giving them some mention whether it be a horrible rant justified through honesty or not haha. They were crazy and on top of that, they actually meant to do bad things to me which is like taking a walk in the park for me now. I guess it doesn't matter what weird people are going to do to me in the end for me. I'm pretty satisfied in my personal faith with Christ and want to live out a good life for the Lord's sake now. I'm still working at some kinks but hopefully, the rotten and smelly sinful nature of mine will eventually become replaced by a heavenly Spirit that's continuing to develop my heart.

From understanding situations a whole heck of a lot of better from just staying fully honest even at the expense of my own leisure, I'm actually capable of acquiring virtually anything I need now from weird people. It's like their negative responses won't really penetrate anything now. The good people to me are as usual, pretty easy going and well-flowing with good intentional drives and willing to have some fun with you through the ups and downs of life =)

Happy Easter

I just wanted to create a simple blog post with the title that mentions special holidays. Man, this blog is feeling pretty lame and like getting old on me. I must be a boring person at times because it's like I'm getting bored of myself too. Since I'm just focusing most about me on this blog, I'm getting bored of it. I don't really want to bag on people so heartily anymore and if I did, I want to keep it light and legal enough to offend them to get some laughs but not really draw a huge crowd.

Okay, it's taking me still a little while longer to get rid of some stupidity that's buried underneath me but slowly and surely I'm getting there. I guess if the world revolves around short people being cursed to chase around tall people and get rejected by them, like possibly what I could be doing than well, I guess I just have to live with it then. It's better trying than not doing something about it because it's like people were born to work for stuff.

What I'm saying is that it's better for me to try for something I sort of need and to cry about not getting it any sooner then to just think about how good it would have been to try it and sideline myself with unbearable hypothetical thoughts. In a way, I guess I've outgrown the thought of being rejected- I guess it's a natural process and I did have some practice of getting used to it by dealing with some weird people rejecting me. I faced the ultimate rejection when a crazy woman and crazy dude both put a restraining order on me, which isn't domestic but like a business-related restraining order. Really strange, how I wasn't really violent with them or pursued them that heavily that I ended up with some restraining orders even with me trying to get rid of it through wishful thinking.

My imagination was broken because I was thinking to myself that crazy people can't go through with their crazy ideas and then live up to it. In my case, they did and overreacted and said bad stuff about me and then turned other people off and then they also tried to do something about their little depression from trying to mess up an innocent person's life- yeah, that's right, they really got a piece of their own medicine with me doing nothing to them.

Actually, just saying the word "Facebook" really triggered a very angry response from some girls who didn't put a restraining order on me. Strange, because they were all threatening me to do it and then the one girl I didn't put any effort to chase around put one on me. She was running away from me and claimed to say that she had authority over my life because God gave it to her and that I should be submitting to her direction. I had to chase her around to ask her a few questions and then I stopped caring to go near her. She doesn't even have me on her ignore list- it's like inviting me to put myself more in trouble or like inviting a hypothetical "I told you so." I actually circumvented the social circumstances a little with the strange, disturbed Washington (that's his name, who put a restraining order on me) and Darunee Lee Wonstapadat (man, I would really consider changing that name or get a little depressed about it faster than my own name now...it's a little better because she has it stated as Wong and she isn't really Chinese) and pretty much got to do what I needed to do to blow off some steam with them and won't hesitate to prevent anybody else from doing this to me now. Any future men or women who want to be weird with me and enter a restraining order agreement better have a super good reason and not some hoax that originated out of them fooling themselves from not being able to handle their own personal emotions dealing with a person. If not, I will write all the honest stuff I know about the next attacker issuing out a restraining order with me and talk about it with the judge and let the court document be published to the public. Umm, I might as well run for city council so why not let it out in the open? Why is telling the truth, threatening someone's life or job? 

Taking Sides- Conflicting Viewpoints

This is an awesome and funny blog spot that I read after looking up on famous couples with the alpha male being shorter than his woman haha.  

http://uncleeddiestheorycorner.blogspot.com/2006/07/should-short-men-pursue-tall-women.html

I'm desperately not tall- in fact, what I picked up from that blog post is that some women will claim that short men try to put on the charm more than their taller competition and try to get a better job and just improve themselves while allowing themselves to become humiliated from facing rejection. I like it! I'm only 5'4" and I wonder what life would be like if I was 4'5". I would then be trying to find excuses to date outside my sensitive Asian ethnicity haha. My mom told me that it is a very stupid reason to marry a woman whose not Korean just for the reason of feeling too short. I now agree and don't mind facing the multiple rejections that will come my way because it will only force me to improve myself anyway so yeah, all of that crying and tears will pay off eventually I think.

I used to be 5'2" just that I grew an inch to become 5'4" if I use my math properly at the old age of 27. I'm still 27 and hope to stay 27. I need more time to find a good woman to date haha. For me, I don't think my height is really that big of a problem because it's just potential that I seem to have learned to display properly. It's just a human gene complex or something related to a social upbringing and it seems like women try to find some excuses to stick to dating a taller guy no matter how painful it seems to the short guys. I seem to not mind the pain anymore- it's like growing all numb now- all over my brain. Let's play I spy- I spy ... I spy a pretty lady who doesn't judge on my appearance and likes me for who I am ... I spy she laughs at my corny jokes - yay, double positive ... I spy she thinks that the government stole my now invisible 12 inches from my height to do research to find weird life forms in err ... volcanic lava.

Who cares about being 3 foot 3 and marrying a 6 foot 6 person? That's like David conquering Goliath haha. I've been cheating on my original height because I have this fancy book that has a tale on how to get taller and I used it and then to my dismay I was taller. Wow, I'm a little taller than the average short guy now. I honestly wish I stole that copy of a book off the internet when I was in high school. I would have studied it like a hawk and use it for my dating potentials. Actually, my crush didn't blow me off for being short- she said she was too dedicated to her boyfriend wow and she called me to say that and to thank me for asking her out. That was like busting one of my cherries in life haha or a weird way of saying I broke the ice. I then went to the prom eventually with a beautiful girl who has all this beauty on the inside- let's keep out some unmentionables- she had braces for God's sake haha.

I guess being short shouldn't really matter even though society likes to make a big deal about it and since I'm short-I get to lead a revolution like Napoleon did haha. If I was tall and also had the charm and brains, I would just be having fun like James Bond did with some ladies - well, since I'm pretty much a Biblical fanatic I wouldn't really take it that far and probably stick to charming a reasonable and beautiful Christian woman. I think reasonable Christian women don't really like to judge on the outside and try to be sensitive about what God really intended too, so I guess being short or tall for a man or woman could work out in any existing human civilization.

Understanding Where I'm Headed

I now know what I want to do to be successful financially, and how I don't mind working really hard at it all the time. I've chosen to be a day trader and a game programmer to create my earnings. Let's say, stocks are no longer good to trade and the video game industry just became lost- what then? I wouldn't mind becoming a professional teacher and working at a college- I seem to have this drive to learn and experience some fun in teaching others about a general subject. It would be even more cooler if the students I ended up teaching made something useful out of it.

Oh yeah, I forgot- the whole world really uses computers now as a daily thing. I'm a computer guy, so I could just pick to work at one of the growing and prolific computer jobs because I'm pretty good at catching on with information technology. If for some instance, computers become outdated and replaced by robots that think for us and make the world a more efficient place, then I would also look into something related to computer science which would probably be an engineering field.

How it's looking so far, is that disciplining myself to become a pretty proficient day trader and earning an income out of it is going pretty well. It's also projected right now that there will be a great opportunity to cash in on volatile markets, assuming I know which side of the market to be on. I'm also excited about the video gaming industry being a billion dollar industry and to have a passion to want to develop games- in the back of my mind, I was denying myself this opportunity because I thought it was too childish and that I had to grow up. I guess it could be a mature thing to work on designing video games to hopefully inspire youth and to have some fun out of it while being invested in a product that just sells well enough to pocket a piece of the profit.

Elated About Finding Relief and Confidence

My personal emotions feel like they're in its rightful place now. Over the last decade, I've been facing the pains of the unknown and uncertainty dealing with agonizing over unpredictability in myself and others who were overreacting quite a bit. I had a way of offsetting a bad course, but each time I felt like I could have done something more and even better and then it would hurt me if a weird person didn't respond to me as I would have liked. It's because I became really instinctively smart while clashing with bi-polar like symptoms. It was this overwhelming sense of dread, agony, and fear whenever I attempted something that felt crazy but was embedded in my personal need. Each time, I put so much effort into it and would often feel like I became lucky. After awhile, I became like less engaged in something while people were going all off the wall with me which I experienced and happy to have triggered it no matter how bad it was. Through this moment of dealing with a bunch of people I never expected to be in a rage and fit and going all crazy to mention they wanted me out of their life because they couldn't handle a crazy emotion they felt with me, I went looking for my perfect swing which felt like a bad decision on the short term.

Then, it hit me with this realization of hope and propriety haha- it's because I was just too shy to speak up for myself. Guys in general don't really like to open up every little single detail because it feels very baneful, and I think they would rather have things easy going with the big picture or stay relaxed and ready to make the right decisions in a conflict or adversity. Guys will fail at stuff all the time or seem to be like that and look like they don't care about it. Finding favorable momentum and exchanging those emotions are what I have been so good at doing that it has freaked out some folks by how quiet I've been in my demeanor haha. I guess I was just really trying to be cool about it by staying quiet the whole time, and it even freaked out some friends haha. I get it now; everything, it's because I lacked a little loosening up and humor in myself.

Offending people who are looking at you at the weirdest sense is okay. Let them place a restraining order on you for all I care- let them call the cops; just be sure to be honest about it and find a reason to laugh about it in the most purest and joyful sense. Even if they manage to put you in jail or have your life executed a little short, it's a heroic thing to go through with it. Joyful submissiveness is one of the hardest things to acquire in life and using it in its proper form is so smart that it's too hard for me to ignore now. I'm glad I went through this really hard time that caused my emotions to reach an appreciative state. I'm glad that I held back in conflict and not became physically rough and tough in giving some overreacting guys a ride for using their money to show up to a place haha- they would have seriously not done anything if I was all over them in any sense and felt like a fool while letting me dominate them.

I've found some meaningful confidence now in this search and having had dealt with some unfair and natural difficulties. I think I've came through now and going to be using my full capabilities to get to where I want to be now. I don't need to rely on any addictions anymore either- I feel confident in that area I felt I was lacking in now because I've worked on those areas no matter how stupid and silly it may seem haha. Whatever complex I was going through, I worked on that and obtained that status about myself haha. Well, except for not being tall enough to my liking- which I'm finding to accept more in myself because there are shorter people who don't mind that much or would like to feel inspired. I understand now why my mom seemed to act like she was ridiculing others who are short and successful- it's so I could be inspired from it.    

Programming Went Good

I believe that we live in a competitive society and obtaining proper information is sometimes the key to finding one's success. With the information technology boom which is always on the rise and great for me because I get to thrive in it from having liked it when I was a kid (okay, I'm not that great at it just have enough stuff to get things done eventually), I'm going to hopefully give some hints away to anybody who wants to read what I've been up to and are sort of interested.

I've mentioned occasionally on this blog that I've been working with the Forex Market. The great thing about Forex is its flexibility and unlimited accommodations to suit any trader's personality. For my end, I have some programming and math background from my college days and have come to find that it's very useful. Besides not really trying to brag about how good I am and just emphasizing the benefits of being able to do computer programming, trading can allow for the risky ventures of automating it with some code. Traders have come to term this automated code as robots doing the tedious trades for them in Forex. Robots are not actual machines pushing buttons, but more of the concept that it just follows directions and never sleeps which could be advantageous in picking up on a trending market when one is not at the computer.

Robots are also called a special name which are expert advisers. I'm using a trading platform called Metatrader 4, despite some of its programmable limitations. It was a little vexing for me to not be able to duplicate functions with different parameters- in plain English, it just means I couldn't tweak around the same logic a little bit and make life easier as programmers are accustomed to with the C language. Anyhow, I finally managed to create a full expert adviser and in the mode of testing it. It's doing what I want, and I still feel a little queesy haha about it because I still need to build confidence in my robot. It's doing everything I want it to so far, and I might have to make some more slight modifications but the hard work paid off and feels like I had some enjoyment out of it.

I'm also using another robot which has been revolutionary to some traders and is a pretty profitable tool. It's on the retail market and there are practically a lot of robots out there for purchasing. It's not very recommended by the big time experts because it's better to learn Forex on your own and pick up on your personality. The overall and big picture traders or what are called position traders seem to know what's up the most because they're using concepts or finding them and applying principles that work. I think I touched upon some of those recently and still need to find short cuts- basically, it deals with Fibonacci retracements and the Eilliot wave theory. They are very cool to learn about and somehow seems like happening most of the time, if the person picks up on it right. However, there's the accuracy factor. I only know a little about those ideas but it would be nice to trade in the big picture scheme too. I'm currently in the day trading scheme which is doable since I have a robot now starting trades automatically where I want them. The benefits of being the big picture trader (position trader) is needing to spend only like 20 minutes a day tops to realize what's going on and how to bring in the money.

Overall, trading is about 90% personality and finding the right method that fits the person to be successful at it, which is what makes it so hard and only 5% really come to master this. This is a profession that requires a lot of discipline and what would even be better is if the person develops passion for this field because once the right tools are acquired, then it's time to make a killing in the Forex market. Interested people can find out more about it by researching on it, and it's good to take their time on this because it's pretty downright tough to get a lock on it. Thinking in business terms, the person has to make profit over the revenue and losses so it becomes a numbers game to make more winning trades and this could be thought upon as very risky but the pay out could be so immense from putting the hard work and discipline into it.

How the government still allows us to be able to trade in this market and make some money is interesting. I wonder if there's really any conspiracy around here. Because of foreign exchange being such a crucial thing for international businesses, it looks like an industry that's here to stay and reward top dollars to those traders who learn the right way to think in this market. I sort of joked about with my friend that if currencies united into one currency then there wouldn't be any currency trading market to begin with haha. It might be closer to everyone seeing the end of the world by then. Professional Forex traders also get to take this knowledge and apply it to other stocks and might be able to do well in them.

Accepting Personal Stupidity

Okay, I'm making this post to sound like I'm being a little hard on myself because I have a guy's addiction problem if people know what I mean. Pretty much, my reason is because I feel like I'm lacking something so I'm engaging in a highly addictive behavior whether it be watching television or playing video games. I'm going to accept everything that's stupid and weak about me which is something that I have a really hard time doing even to this day. If I was strong in a certain area, then I would feel content about it and not really develop anymore into it but it looks like I'm trying to develop myself more in those addictive areas.

It's really difficult learning to let go of a behavior and not coming back to it especially if it feels like something is missing all the time. I guess I haven't fully recovered from it and need to be able to accept some suffering. I think I've gained a little more confidence in people nowadays, and now, I really need to fix myself in some bad areas that I'm noticing. It's getting very difficult because I forget a lot of good rationalizations to not indulge in something addictive. It must be because there's really no punishment for some of those things that I'm currently into. I honestly don't feel right about it and forget about this feeling all the time and then after engaging in it for a little bit, I recall and after the day passes, I feel really mad at myself for wasting valuable time.

It looks like I prefer doing this on my own and that it's going to just have to be a continual effort to not really give into it and to also be able to understand where it's socially acceptable to engage in it and to be relaxed about it and not get so hung in on it. I feel like I'm going to be making a million mistakes over and over again without really changing the method for awhile which feels dumb, but I'm accepting with myself that I'm going to be constantly making the same mistakes and going to be doing something about it to try to relieve any situation or problem I ever get into.  There's this emotional attachment I seem to have regarding some bad obsessions, and it's going to take me awhile to mature in this personal area and to learn how to obtain and appreciate it in a moral and moderate fashion.

Overall, it looks like I do want to change permanently in some areas because I believe that it will be for the better. I'm talking about things like working on health and fitness or putting more time into interesting hobbies which I usually forget about ever considering.  I need to try to get some more bad stuff out of my system and going to give a lot more effort into it. I guess I just see rooms for improvement in my life and find it really difficult to adjust at getting there because of these addictive emotions that really point me to the wrong path sometimes. In a nutshell, I'm trying to master a life of purity and self-control right now with absolute dedication to hard work and lending decent support to good people. Looks like it's going to be awhile, no matter how hard I try to complete it faster. The best thing I can right now is to just try to be sharp and focus on the big picture right now without worrying so much about succeeding over the little things. Sure, there are some little things in the back of my mind that I want to be successful at, but I think I really need to succeed at the important stuff first before I can have some time for the little things.

This is going to be my motto which I'll probably modify and adjust so that it can fit my needs- "Succeed at the big stuff before making time for the little things."

 

Still Programming

I'm still tweaking a day trading system which is going pretty well so far. I'm pretty much trying to utilize a lot of principles that I have picked up over the last year with doing a lot of studying, research, testing, and practice. I feel really comfortable about trading in the Forex market, which is nice because it's a 24 hour market from basically Sunday afternoon to Friday afternoon so ideally the hours seem pretty liberal and there's plenty of money to be made in it. The thing about it is that not a lot of people really know how to make money with this opportunity and also day trading is a very difficult discipline. If I have slowly been getting my skeptical mom to confide in my skills with day trading by explaining stuff to her and using a foreign Asian language which I'm not too proficient with yet, then I guess I'm getting somewhere with it these days.

I have a friend whose really interested in playing this market and sort of wants to mimic what I'm doing to make money. I sort of feel he wants to do this out of impulse because of my personal strategies I've laid out with him and my reward plan. I'm really skeptical about him really taking action to play in this market and feel like anticipating he's not going to do well. I have some worries about his lack of patience and avert willingness to create an exciting adventure out of succeeding with gambling. The two times I've seen him become arrogant about doing well about some gambles has ended up with him throwing in the towel and really cursing about losing money. I don't mind sharing the sources that I've used to create my system, but like every other system out there it's not a perfect one and will leave some in doubt. This could also leave room for a trader to get a misconception out of it and then really bust the system by doing something it wasn't intended for. I'll do the world a favor by hanging on to my system and letting it complement my personal style, which is unique from everybody else.

That's why I believe it's mostly about a trader's personality when it comes to day trading and how the trader wants to operate. With my friend, I've let myself be a resource to him in that I don't mind answering questions but I believe the most success is obtained by a person finding his or her way of making good trades to profit. I think he's just wanting to do it for the money, and I believe it's not a good reason to proceed. I sort of see that the thought of anticipating a large return will create excitement but through hardships, the excitement will die down into boredom because it's really about an average person wanting the easy life, right? Having passion with something and then going through the hardship and struggles are really important elements to succeeding in my field. It's a rare thing to find in a person, so I guess that's why I might belong to the successful 5% of this market who are out there. The art of deception is sometimes concealing the amount of hard work one does and making it look easy to others and like the person is super-talented at it, isn't it? It's a whole heck of a lot easier to do this if the person has passion for that thing man haha. 

Learning how to trade could take a considerably very long time in a market, and I don't know how many would really be willing to just jump right into something for about two years to study this thing on the side without knowing the ins and outs of it fully. The market is also highly unpredictable at times and investing in it can be significantly risky which is probably what intimidates interested people. I think it's understandable to not really want to rely on some guy whose offering you to sell his system to you no matter how good it is and to find it yourself.

Overall, I've had lots of fun with this day trading business and have been creating a good earnings out of it. It's just creating profits by using some basic mathematical knowledge and modeling relationships. From taking a senior level college course on statistical randomness, I've learned that it's possible to create some profit within a chaotic market. It was a very confusing course for me because I had a hard time learning mathematical relationships at the time by not being motivated enough. I've somehow managed to regain the confidence I need now from taking action and feeling like a slick maverick. Therefore, taking it to the extreme already by becoming a trader on the side has become a lot of fun, and there's a lot that hard work can really award. 

Preventing Overreactions

I think I was very shy in the past, and somehow I did some things to turn people off every once in awhile which I was pretty oblivious about. I can sort of think it's because they were drawing bad conclusions about me. The English language is something that I sort of see as like my friend now haha because I sort of know how to be eloquent enough to turn the attention of some bad people away from me. I don't know what it was in the past but somehow I felt like wanting to connect with everyone, no matter how weird or obstinate they were and that sort of made some weird people try to brush me off haha. I guess it's not really a bad thing after all, since I'm a guy who prefers being busy about fulfilling some responsibilities and would rather be focusing a good amount of energy on someone nice haha.

This is something that I've found out now after draining out a bunch of discomfort, dealing with idiotic criticism that causes me to pretty much lose a boring job or get kicked out of a weird place. It's pretty much one or more persons who appear to be normal but then starts ranting about something that shouldn't really have that much weight in considering about how good a person is- in other words, the person is overreacting. On top of not really needing to mind so much about it now, it's going to happen quite often to males more often than females who probably see it in a social circle and later forget about it. The more contact a male makes with people, the more likely that this overreacting phenomenon will be experienced by an unsuspecting male. The good thing is that I know how to deal with it now.

Everybody has a different way of solving problems. I believe that each person is unique in reaching the goal of letting something subside. I can't really cover everybody's unique traits but I know what ended up working for me. I've been pretty good at talking to the individual who contributes to this type of problem and then making him back off. Furthermore, whether I want it to happen or not, the guy sort of ends up looking bad with a social group he's around and gets a little disconnected with them naturally. It's not one of those overnight situations but gradually comes to it, so I'm not really solely responsible for causing this type of disunion. Also, it could be that maybe the guy wants to move on to do something else too so what he did to me becomes basically a waste of time that he probably would want to forget about it and push aside permanently. Therefore, he ends up acting like that and carrying on some more weird ties for a bit and I guess he'll have the opportunities to calm down and make himself approachable with me in the future. Only recently have I dealt with the very rare moment of a female trying to solve my issues haha.  

Yeah, having a female sometimes go out of her way to try to solve a man's issue can drive the woman insane I think. I had this happen to me with a lady who I sort of wasn't that fond of- she's considered to be pretty average in physique and that's just saying it would have been acceptable if I gave her enough attention if she hadn't ruined it with me. Also, it looks like she has some good genes but what caused her to go crazy is a complicated one that I believe I have a better understanding of. I'm technically rewording a lot of the sentences I've already talked about her. Nowadays, I think I'm bringing her up casually in my writing just to enjoy a little opinionated dissertation.

Let's conclude this with the keys that worked for me in ending a person's overreaction. Noting that I don't see this occur with me very often; I just see it sometimes because I painstakingly prevented some people from getting there- they still ended up looking a little bad to frustrated people. Now, since I can prevent them from getting there; I'll see what I can get out of it. I'm just playing it really safe right now because it's a good way to go for the time being and letting myself catch up economically. The main key is pretty much communicating with the person about what type of person you are and letting the person overreact to the point that the person feels bad about it and just revealing where he or she is overreacting. People will highly repetitively keep on overreacting about the same thing because it's just human nature to want to stick to something that they grew up with. If a person shows him or herself the honest way and uses language that he or she is the most eloquent with, a very high success rate will occur in making the person not overreact. I've found that being honest also helps me from overreacting and from getting too carried away too. In other words, being honest is sometimes so difficult to be that way in general that probably the majority of people would rather lie and hope to not to get caught and be happy. Lying is sometimes being delusional about the truth because let's face it, life won't always treat a person with the most absolute satisfying things but can be worked on and the truth will set a person free.

Just Going Beserk Random

Okay, this is going to be something interesting that I'm going to be asking random girls with. The question is- if a woman sees two guys walking very close together, does she consider them gay? It will be interesting and I think it could start an okay conversation as a pickup line. This question came from my friend being a little insecure about me walking too close to him because he wants to feel like a straight woman is yelling at him to get away from me haha or something like that.

These days I'm actually relying on those commitment things now because I really see how it fits my life healthy. I'm actually more free from those distractions and seriously being able to place all those raw affectionate emotions into one manageable relationship would be so precious and awesome. I'm also about wanting to live according to God's Word even though it's considerably hard to many unbelievers to live that lifestyle of purity but honestly, it's a good road to follow for a true believer. I'm not saying all Christians think like they're goody two shoes type of people- look to some Roman Catholics instead and some of them might deny their faith in Christ so that they could keep their own life. This is what did happen during the great persecution that was run by some former Roman Emperor named Nero. Nero was like a very nasty son of a spiteful woman because he ended up murdering his own mother too! Man, he was such a psychotic guy.

Okay, I'm going to say that I have room for actual love in a good spousal partnership, after I stop getting distracted with my business endeavors. It's not going to stop until I have enough to pay off everything I owe. I see that once I pay off everything; I will be making very good profit with my own business and really be strolling along. I'm going to work very hard to achieve this now because I think it's part of my dream to do this now.

I'm really glad that I'm so much more comfortable with myself now. Making some commitments has been a good key to getting to where I want to get to. I'm pretty much going to still try to make myself taller because I don't want to surprise myself carrying on good conversations with mostly taller girls; okay, that doesn't make sense, I mean to say a lot of girls are about my height right now anyway but reaching a little taller height would be not so surprising to me when I do carry good conversations with a girl haha. I pretty much have to work out 6 times a week to make it happen, I think haha. The only way to see if I can get taller is to actually try it out and see if it works- I found that it worked on me because I grew an inch from some of those exercises. I'm going to see if I can gain some more inches. It's just about commitment and trying stuff out that the person is interested in and sticking to it without really stressing out about it.  

Learning Something From A Person's Life

I attended a funeral yesterday for a person I knew from high school and felt a little sad to say goodbye to him. It looks like he led a very successful and happy family life, but surprisingly the Lord took him into His kingdom while he was still pretty young and will be missed by family and friends. He was even an organ donor. He had a very generous heart and was extremely talented with computers and music graduating from UCLA while going on to become an entrepreneur out of it and then his life pretty much succumbed to a brain aneurysm.

Alluding to how he died, I know someone whose really special because she survived a life threatening situation which was probably genetic. On a certain date which I don't know when, the girl I've been trying to write extra nice about out of wanting to be her friend and trying to calm her senses down from having a panic attack with me because I truly care for her had a brain aneurysm awhile ago as a college student and she survived through it! Amazing, because she's really a joyful person to be around; I was such an idiot from not feeling like a good friend to her and being angry about her Facebook stance with me haha. It's all good now and that's past history.


I'm accidentally clicking on my back button that's on my mouse because I instinctively feel scared about having revealed too much about her. I'm going to be sensitive about this to the best of my ability, while I presume what I want to write. The pretty cute woman I'm describing is Betty haha- I'm sort of laughing about the thought in putting moves on her but I guess just trying to write good stuff about her is making my mind feel a little more healthy. People can assume that I like Betty, but I'm really just interested in having a pretty good friendship with her. So yeah, I guess I do like Betty now and don't feel angry anymore with anything about her. Overall, Betty is really a good girl and is into contributing to society. Plus, I was getting a little lucky with her too haha.

Okay, the good thing that's coming out of the repetitive mess that could make people laugh at finding what I'm putting there, is me finding some good things to write about. I'm pretty much avoiding playing video games right now when I'm by myself at this computer because it's really time consuming haha. I guess I would feel better working on something challenging like designing and engineering software that could influence others in a positive way now. It's because I'm behind a lot financially and the only way I'm going to get somewhere is to challenge myself to stick to something that I feel inspired with and happy to work on. I'm glad that it works in accordance with God's laws, so yeah that would be my recommendation to someone down in the slumps with nothing to do. It would be seek out something a person would like doing for the rest of his or her life while it ties in God's Word- it will seriously make the person successful financially and help solve the issues of laziness and some boredom.

Feeling Lucky?

After all this time, I see myself having not really fully recovered from something. I'm starting to see that I haven't really been taking the right steps to get to that road of recovery and that I took some very interesting paths because of it. Somehow, I'm still shallow underneath somewhere like how I want to become physically active, become a bit taller, or stuff like that haha. I believe that I'm gaining an area of expertise now, after all this time.

I'm pretty much programming on a daily basis and it's taking awhile to get to where I want to be with it. I really need to make some additional tests with it and see if I could simplify it a bit more. Overall, I'm actually really enjoying it a lot and hoping to gain a lot more prestige in becoming an expert programmer. I guess it's not bad so far with what I've tried to accomplish being a self-employed professional newbie. I'm glad some people have really wished me luck to do well in this field and that makes me feel very encouraged to keep putting up the good fight.

Life in general is sometimes really weird and incomprehensible. A person I knew from high school and was about two years older than me passed away recently and is having a memorial service tonight. For a guy who was probably younger than the crazy woman Lee who put a restraining order on me, I would say that he died too young. Speaking allusively about the restraining order on a more abstract level, I think most people should be given opportunities with what they want to make a living on. I managed to still somehow bypass the negative effects of Lee's craziness with me by starting my own business and pretty much giving it my all with it. My image or reputation isn't really affected by the opinions of a small church that I've been writing about or some guys not wanting to be my friend on Facebook haha. It feels like I've had better luck with girls more than the guys for some reason. I've actually been a bit lucky with Betty (the one with some of my dedicated posts haha) too and it was really funny how she responded to me so I guess Betty was being Betty, right?

In other words, Betty hung up on me the first time yelling at me to seek some professional help and then the second time I hung up on her haha. No, I wasn't trying to be mean to Betty- I just thought it would be good to try to take the lead a bit with her, who seemed really confused about something. She was sort of repeating the nonsense that influenced the both of us dealing with some aggravated and self-contradicting hypocrites (Chris, Jarred, Golf, and Chai) at the small church who assumed a leadership role- they are not really that holy as I thought. The reason why I'm writing about this relationship is simply because it seems pretty fun to be honest about it. Another reason is that I'm not really that infatuated with Betty haha but hopefully she'll see that being friends is an acceptable thing at the cellular level.

Now that I see it, I was actually lucky with Lee who put a restraining order on me too. She told me indirectly that she really didn't want to put one on me, if I would only respond properly to her and make her feel really respected. In other words, I could have really bashed the living daylights out of Chris and Jarred and left Lee feeling respected and she wouldn't put a restraining order on me. Maybe it's because I didn't do enough for Lee who was thinking through something crazy one step ahead of all of us. Looks like Lee really was stuck on a slippery slope and intended something harmful even though she was trying to cover it up by blocking it with trying to appear humble.

I was also lucky with Annie Train (person from my weird list); another girl whose age is highly mysterious to me right now but somehow I feel aggravated about the thought of being attracted to her. She sort of has her weird traits that I find to be actually boring, but somehow she became the leader of a now defunct group thanks to the contributions of Chris and Jarred being a bunch of blockheads. I spoke with Annie a number of times, and the effort actually showed itself in court because she chose not to testify against me. The same was done with the small-time pastor Chai who I even repeatedly tried talking to, and he didn't want to testify against me either. I won their hearts even though their heads were sunk in on a matter that was very stupid. Chai ended up yelling at me over something haha, and I thought pastors wouldn't really do something like that but I guess he's not really cut out to be a pastor in my opinion and analysis of my idea of him being a church elder.

In general, I've felt very lucky dealing with girls no matter what I feel they put me through. Guys have been a lot tougher for me to deal with because I've rough-housed with several of them while I was a kid and did some elbow drops on some of them and sat on them to make them not breathe before I would feel bad and let go. Nowadays, I'm programming with a group of guys and we're going to come up with some pragmatic games to make a living off of it- I'm really excited about it.

Man, I'm so lucky with everything that's going on in my life. I've managed it a little better now from being honest about things going behind the scenes, so my life has really improved from it. I have a mother who really responds to me, and it's good that she gives me contradicting views even though I would prefer a lady who doesn't try to intervene with my life. I guess reasoning with my mother well nowadays is giving me more confidence to interact with weird people in general if I choose to go that route now haha. 

The little that I spoke sometimes caused people to laugh and enjoy my company. Now, I'm speaking about havoc as like it's truth and it causes some insecure people to really not feel well of me for a moment. If I really persist by continuing to talk to them repetitively I have a high chance of succeeding with them- I'm someone who was born to be able to talk endlessly and not look bad because of it.

Pretty Good Progress With Work

Okay, I'm going to have to find a way to not get so carried away and then get pleasure for all the wrong reasons. I seriously believe that having a real commitment that's built on a foundation of love, faith, and hope will help me bail out when I'm not supposed to be engaging in some activity and I'm just too heavily tempted. Somehow, I need to link this commitment to my personal relationship with the Lord. If Christ is real and has really risen, then why do I live in a continual web of deceit and fall into sin. I'm seriously like a sucker for God's grace right now and the more I try to keep myself disciplined, I just can't do it based upon my own personal morals and standards. I need some inspiration from the Holy Spirit that is so great that it overwhelms me with love and confidence in the Father.

The Bible says that a person who returns back to his or her sinful ways is like a dog who comes back to eat its own vomit. Well, that's pretty nasty and foolish haha. I believe that the condition of my heart is saved thanks to desiring to trust in the Lord. However, I really need to stay on a path of repentance now in order to be able to keep up in purity and to gain satisfaction out of it. It's a real struggle everyday for me to repent; more and more, I'm finding myself trying and still having at least a small trace of it. I pretty much scramble in my daily affairs when I stumble into sin and feel very guilty about it afterward; sometimes, I don't. It shouldn't really be about what I'm thinking or feeling at the moment but what my objective is about in life. I really believe that having some help by committing to something physically will seriously help to relieve my situation. Maybe, I should really have a person I could be accountable too and really let out those vulnerable times with him, in addition to praying about it.

How Things Are Moving Along

Things are going along okay today. I'm still struggling a bit economically, so I'm more fussed about it and possibly distracted from meeting any prospects for marrying. One of my friends is still pretty insecure about getting married and since he loves to get carried away with a lot of hypothetical thoughts, he isn't really going to be tying the knot anytime soon or going out with anyone. I believe that he's a special case and it isn't wrong for him to be the way he is in the area of forming relationships. I do see some rooms of improvement he could have by repenting, like probably holding back on cursing with his tongue haha, but I still accept him as a friend.

There are a lot of stuff that I could cover about the church I've been writing about even to the dismay of others who go there; for the most part, it's because I'm upset at some people for reflecting a poor image with me. Out of this, I'm highly motivated to not really need to hang around there which should invalidate any of their dumb accusations about me stalking them haha. I'm just talking to them and letting them know about everything I see negative with them while being honest about it so that I could learn to cope with their weirdness. Yeah, that's why I'm saying they should get some professional help if they can't handle this thing being repetitively upon them now, much to the chagrin of the therapist who would probably want to be entertained by hearing my side of the story more than theirs haha.

I see that I truly know how to control my rage or anger now and express it well enough to let it subside into a more pleasurable mood haha. I think communication is really vital to me too and that I'm not going to be too bothered by weird people now trying to make my plans backfire. One of the neat things for me is that I should just really act my part when I'm by myself and really stay focused enough even when I'm around some people. My appearance isn't really that great, even though I feel happy about having some pretty big body parts haha and yeah, I think those are pretty legit to feel sort of happy about- well, one of the things that make me feel a little sad is not really being that tall and sort of on the short side. I know that plenty of women are shorter than me, but I'm still probably about 2 inches shorter than the average tall woman =( so that's a bummer. I'm still trying to see if I could end up making myself taller and I'm doing something about it instead of letting this turn into a bothersome complex of mine.

Until I have it made, I pretty much need to be constantly working and so I'm really distracted being in student debt and don't really want to be the one to pay for my date right now when I could use that money to pay off my bills right now. I really need to play catch up somehow before I can be like all right, it's time to have some fun in getting married haha- that thought sounds scary to some guys. Maybe, if I don't ever get out of this debt, I do have an age limit with wanting to get married preferably, then I really have to think about staying single for the rest of my life. I honestly think the weird lady Lee who put a restraining order on me is already too old to get married haha.

Boy, I would say no to all her advances for life now with me. She was definitely not in the Spirit of the Lord when she did that whole crazy act in the court system haha and yeah, it's really ugly when considering how her heart was at the moment. I wonder if she takes after a little with her mother; it's interesting because her older sister and younger sister seem to be a lot more stable- maybe it's because Lee is the middle child- ah, the middle child complex haha. I feel like I don't really belong to any child order haha because it's just my little sister who sort of tries to reverse roles with me to my annoyance sometimes haha. She sort of has the younger child attitude and I guess I'm supposed to be cool with it, according to researchers. I like to really lead, and this shows up especially when I'm trying to deal with weird people.

Getting Closer To Autonomy

What I see in dealing with becoming successful is just hard work, and this trait that just never throws in the towel during disappointment or failure. Any obstacle that the person goes through, the successful types will find a way to pull through. In my opinion, that is why one needs to have a job they really would love or something to strive after to really be successful for the long term. A guy I know, okay he's F. Chick haha, wants to be a model so bad and just never wants to give up at it-okay, that is not really a bad thing to get annoyed by because he continuously just tries to parade himself in letting it be known all the time. He also ends up just keeping on saying on how he just has such a beautiful body and that he deserves everything in this world and seriously believes it that it drives him angry sometimes haha. He continuously compares himself to others and thinks of himself as having better appearance than most people, but the funny thing is that his twin brother says that he is a very ugly guy and means it very seriously haha. I guess if you just continuously say what you want no matter what- you could eventually convince yourself that it's there even though others know that there isn't a chance haha.

I'm noticing that a lot of my friends are like how they really want to be a part of something special but still keep themselves occupied with something else. Dreams don't have to die away with the passing of life. I feel like I lost a lot of valuable years because I put myself through a lot of pain to study and earn a pretty cool degree!  I mean there was this whole fear underneath me of feeling fatigued about studying or doing anything in life- it was a phobia so great that it would turn my stomach into like butterflies. I still managed to suck it up and do a whole mess of weird stuff along with at least barely accomplishing what I wanted. I didn't even go to my own college graduation ceremony- I just packed my things and left after I was done with all my classes. I was like just 'good riddens' after finishing all my courses haha.

Now, I realize that I was pretty dumb for not making my time even more effective. I gave it my all which is probably what meant the most and without giving it all in the past, I wouldn't have finally come to this state of personal peace and awareness to be able to withstand myself. One of my greatest challenges of late is to work very consistently on my own time and pace. I hope to master it so that I could take a pretty strong stance that could surpass a good amount of people. Maybe, I did deal with true bipolar depression while at school. How I came to terms with it is what I don't fully know because now I'm laughing at my every thought of struggling with some task and actually quite enjoying the mood of trying to get it done. I guess I just have to work hard and get it done somehow and put a lot of time into it without really expecting crazy results because it's all done out of really wanting something for fun. 

Ready For The Big Struggle

I wrote a message to Betty Lam, the person who probably used to get to that church I've been writing about. Yeah, she has me blocked on Facebook and I still managed to message her on Facebook; yeah, I'm a con-artist; I opened up a fake account that I had for awhile. I just did it to try to boost my Friends count on Facebook because I thought it would look good- yeah, I'm a loser for doing it but I can't help myself. I wrote to Betty using one of my female accounts and said something like "You know me, but you don't know the real me" haha. The female account has only one friend and it's me- I pretty much used those accounts to try to start a fake and funny conversation- like "Oh, you're so hot. Come over and be with my baby" haha. I'll reveal something that I never really wanted to- the girl I'm in a relationship with on my Facebook is a fake haha so I'm guessing nobody knew that out of the water because I made her seem like a very funny girl. 

The reason why I'm writing about it is because I want to make sure I didn't do anything bad to her in what I did. I guess I'm just trying to set up an agenda with her. Something in the back of my mind wants to go, "Think again, buddy." I pretty much talked about some legal issues on that message so yeah, it felt a little intense for me. I did say I think I like her one time, even though I meant it as in friendship so I guess I'm trying to move it along still. I'm trying to go easy on Betty with the things I'm aggressively trying to reveal, so it's going to be really hard to not seem like I'm blowing up all over her in a legally assertive way that pretty much wouldn't be able to constitute a sensible restraining order. For the most part, I'm opening up a great deal in the honest fashion and not using the way of a drug junkie or drunkard haha. This honesty isn't about ending her life; I'll get it straight- it's about making up. I really like how Betty's blocked calls with me is pretty much just a busy signal. I need to ask her what service provider she really has because I'm starting to not really care about Betty's treatment towards me- obviously, I won't let her walk all over me; just wondering because I want to try that too to those weird people I've been writing about. I'll find a way to force them to call me and then they get a busy signal haha.

The whole message in its entirety is very personal, so I'm not going to be a dummy and lay down my trashy message if it's deemed to be that way. The funny and very horrible thing would be to accidentally send that message to the weird lady Lee who put a restraining order on me. Man, I was never into her like that so why did she say I was stalking her? Man, I was more onto a dude than I was to her even though I'm considerably straight and that should mean that I gave her plenty of space. I think she just wanted to give me a hard time in the way girls sometimes try to do things but end up getting too messy and possibly looking crazy and hurting their reputations because of it.

Just because I'm writing very elaborately and not trying to make Betty look bad and for myself look decent, doesn't mean that I'm trying to accomplish something bad on here. I'm not trying to create some female faction against me because I sort of feel what they're going through nowadays. I'm still straight so I won't use it to my advantage that much- just want to play fair and be nice about it. Looks like I'm ready and will be long due when I go back to that insane church and discover how someone like how some weird person on my list left. I think the only adjustment I made to it is what I'm happy with- leaving Betty out of the list.

How the U.S. Economy is Doing

So how's the U.S. economy doing? I could answer that based upon the US dollar index. President Obama would probably not want the general public to know this- just kidding because it's based on fact and anyone could research it. The economy took a huge dip on April 2002 right after the September 11, 2001 tragedy (This date is currently the anniversary for my on-going complicated relationship with a girl on my facebook page haha) and has been trying to make a steady rise since Jan 2005 which should be some good news to Americans. The price is still about 45 points (very huge gap) below its highest mark from 2001- the overall trend is showing the U.S. economy is going to fight to claw its way back up so it looks like it will be growing stronger and building upon itself for many years to come. Looks like President Bush was right about the economy getting better again when he announced it on news one time. If the Democrats know how to market themselves, then they could be taking a free ride with the hard work of the Republicans- I'm not saying all Democrats are bad people haha just that maybe they'll know how to spend the money to enrich communities. 

Right now, I realize that I goofed off a lot already haha. So yeah, it feels like I'm going back into work mode again. It's going to be about a month of working hard before I go back to being bored again and then goofing off some more haha. I now see it that I shouldn't really set my sights always on the present but do a little more investing with my time. Well duh, I'm an investor more or less, so yeah that's what I should mainly be doing when I'm trying to make some money while studying how the market acts through analyzing numbers.

With my job condition, I definitely feel like a rogue or maverick because I'm doing something totally different that sets me apart from what others are trying to earn a living. Sure, there are several out there like me who do the same thing but they belong like me to a large minority in this world. I also feel that we wouldn't really get that much news exposure either so I guess it's assumed that you're either go lucky or just going to be flat broke when doing my field just that the majority have already tried and failed so massively. 

Letting Go Of Anger

It seems like sometimes a person just wants to blame another person for an action he or she took, whether it be out of ignorance or anything. I'm sometimes tempted to blame even my own mom for going through a rut at times but now I feel that it isn't necessary because I wouldn't be where I am today. This whole pointing fingers type of thing just isn't going to cut it for me anymore. While I didn't know what was going on, I really didn't try to minimize a situation but just kept carrying forward to the best of my abilities and surely enough, things didn't come out the way I really wanted them to. After having put some thought, I now can laugh about the whole issue. I seriously know now that I'm going to be okay for the long run.

It wasn't really me to blame in the end after all for anything. I was always giving it my best and just felt a little setback which was hard to deal with. It's just the personality of people that ends up with them treating you really horrible and others taking note of it later. Everything that happened on my end isn't bad, after all. Man, all I can really do now is just continue to grind away and adjust to situations that feel like holding you back. This is what makes a person human and more worthy.

Ripping It Apart And Progressing

The mind is seriously a terrible thing to waste. There's no free lunch in life haha- knowledge is power, etc. I'm just trying to recall some good sayings that I remember briefly because I'm just trying to dedicate myself to write something today. I'm pretty much hooked on this whole blogging phenomenon, and I could be writing a whole lot of baloney which turns people off but what can I do? It seems like I have a productivity level where I just go off offending some people and then I just improve later for the better and to see their demise haha. Or, that's what it feels like.

Writing used to be extremely painful- nobody probably paid attention to this but I received a D in Honors English 10 for not being very good at writing essays and seriously not understanding what the heck was going on with imagery and symbolism in Shakespearean and Victorian language. Yes, it was really tough to get a lock in on it. Man, those courses still challenged me and probably contributed a little to my temporary manic depression haha. I think I was even more depressed with the outlook because I just bombed my science course with this whole domino effect after doing bad in an English course. I seriously didn't know what the heck was going on that time.

I know what it was now- it was because I was obsessed with something else during that time and I wasn't satisfied with not receiving it enough. I wanted to create games instead of getting bored with playing different games I started appreciating and getting addicted too haha. I was in a rebellion state which transpired into trying to be a cyber-criminal, and it's just minor with the stuff I did- I used to think accomplishing the smallest things on the computer meant like the world to me. I think I felt a little contempt with myself because I had so many differing interests because I really tried listening to other people's crazy advice. I was very volatile in that area of being heavily influenced by anybody for awhile. I'm pretty glad that drugs didn't get to me- neither did cigarettes or alcohol; I guess I really lived and faced everything about me the way it was. Coming out of these situations and realizing that I'm a grown-up now and happy to be where I'm at, is something that I sort of want to boast about but I give credit the most to God's grace.

Overall, the people who acted bad towards me is something that I feel that they know about or realize a little. They know who they are and just me believing it, is enough for me now instead of getting this weird idea to stalk them with signs of protest at their house and leaving so many torturing messages that don't talk about ending their life for getting sweet revenge haha. Talking to them in a cryptic and torturing way that wasn't even about ending their life is what I used to do even while I was being weird, so that's what probably made me anti-social because I would focus on those bad individuals all the time; nowadays, I see there are some really good people who wouldn't mind staying in contact with me and it's pretty comfortable so I see that as being really cool now. I know how to play it very cool and dangerous and most important, legally haha, while those bad individuals keep losing out now, and I'll be sure to try it out a little to draw more personal laughs now. Best of all, I'm staying honest about it which is even more great! Like the movie Liar Liar! where Jim Carrey became happy about spilling nothing but the truth haha. It's really crazy because what's going on the present could just turn around right away any day, so being able to keep at it is a very intelligent decision.

Mumbling Away Through Boredom

Boy, my mind feels a little groggy from having drove about 40 minutes to go see a friend. Man, if I were to drive a truck around to make a living, I'm going to drive at night now haha so I can avoid hitting other cars in public. Wait, what if I get off the freeway during rush hour and then hit something- man, I can't be a truck driver because I'll definitely hit things with it and when I get used to something like driving then man, I could not be paying attention to the road sometimes so I guess I have to stay away from truck driving now and go with something that I really want to now. It only makes sense to do this now because I get to make a living off of it and definitely, I would like to pay attention to it haha. I am just getting done with this whole blogging schnaddigan (not a real word but used sometimes haha). I just googled schnaddigan and no search pop ups with it haha and some weird people still use it, which I picked up from somewhere haha.

Why didn't I think about what I wanted to do before? I had all that time to figure it out during college. My college days were just about me finishing to get a degree and just grinding hours away to finish some things. I saw it as more of a chore that I disliked while having been on some grant money from the government. Oh well, at least I put that money to good use and tried to make some meaning out of it. I wonder if I could have opened up a business with that grant money and then pay even more taxes by making profit off of business five years ago. I could have came up with something like the iPad too haha- no, I'm just kidding.

I'm starting to see that while I've been straight-forward, I haven't really said too many jokes as I did in the past haha. The thing is that I'm laughing a little more genuinely which is a little different but feels right. People are totally not in the mood for arguing with me these days from being my honest self- I don't know, maybe I justify just so plainly that it puts people to sleep while I talk haha. When I try to justify why a person is doing something bad, I have a high probability of offending that person too so it's a little hard to get away from it when I sense something aggravating only momentarily. The cool part is that it's not really contributing to the end of the world with those things I'm feeling a little bothered by, so I'm actually laughing about those things more now and realize they could still look bad, so I guess it's just the way it is and that things will never change haha.

Letting Go Of Insecurities

Every so often I do some weird stuff in my life which is probably considerably normal for an average person with a sinful mind. About this whole God not existing sort of thing, I'm looking at some possible reasoning in that one could say that because God lives outside of space and this world that He is not active and nonexistent to us. On some accounts of the Bible, there are stories about people seeing celestial beings for one instance. There's also the Christian belief that Jesus walked the Earth at one point and that he's God incarnate. Of course, one would have to go to great lengths to be able to trust in the Bible as the living Word of God and I think I could be sensitive about it if others want to doubt in it or just not follow in Christ's footsteps. I'm actually proud to be a believer of God's grace and know that I'm trying to work on it everyday to let go of insecurities that cause me to sin daily. It's just a dumb and stupid ritual of an attempt to cleanse myself of any doubt and really lacking trust in God for those few moments I'm in sin.

With this problem I have, I'm just losing heart and not being courageous enough to stand faithful to God at times. My heart is wicked and evil and the first time I heard someone say that, I was offended. Now, I really see the depravity of my sins even though it really affects nobody right now but myself. Having heart and standing faithful and courageous with no matter what is going on with my life is what I really desire at the moment. I feel like I'm really always rushing myself in this state of panic of wanting to finish something with reaching a good level of satisfaction. I'm going to try sticking to what worked for me holistically and effectively by going back to my roots. This time I'm tossing my own stress out of the equation and going for it. Timing in its essence just feels like beating me to the punch. It's going to take me a lot of time to recover because I personally know where I want to be now in this world. I get to save some money in getting professional help or counseling haha by writing on this blog or writing truthfully about those weird types who said that I should get help but who aren't really that successful anyway going all haywire with me haha. I know some people asked me to get some help and meant it seriously but I take it in as a joke now. I think they should get some help from me because I'll try to help them out there. They can buy me lunch instead of me treating them out for my wages haha. 

Taking Baby Steps For Promoting Attitude

I really need to stop wasting some time right now. I have to put it back into gear and let go of some things that are going on with my personal time and use it for better enrichment. I guess I'm just the typical guy who just likes to goof off while keeping it to himself- yeah, that could get old really fast. The problem is that it's like a bad addiction because I keep going back to it after maintaining discipline for like a month. I think I notice the problem right away and take about two days to readjust again and then I'm good to go for like another month.

For some reason, I'm dealing with these implied expectations of living up to people's desires. I've pretty much had it all along, and it sometimes makes me feel pressured while I'm doing something tedious like work. I really feel like how work can really kill sometimes; however, I really need to be accepting of the situation and become proficient at it so that I could have a clean and acceptable routine for awhile. Since I found an activity that I could work on for life even while I retired, I know there's a lot of good stuff I want to be a part of. I really need to repent of my sins and seriously rely on God's grace to keep me from going back to a misleading life which I know about and what I'm doing. These obsessive feelings of mine are getting easier to control now and I can see that maybe having some form of reliance on commitment could actually be better.

Right now, I'm really trying to tap into trying to fix myself with this lack of productivity these days. Spending some time everyday to meditate on how I'm going to go about to fix it is being really beneficial for me. Eventually, I hope to gain a lot of confidence in having a good and profitable routine that I could really engage myself in doing a lot of cool stuff which will require lots of energy. I just have to live with being able to be confident in my own abilities and that it's going to take some time so I should be patient and never lose heart. In other words, I'm also thinking it's not a bad thing to get bored of mundane television shows or those never-ending RPGs that require some talent because those things were created for having fun in the first place and not for wasting huge amounts of time with. There really are lots of things I want to get involved in just that sometimes I feel sidelined and out of breath so I go out trying to do something fun. Maybe, having fun in necessary things like socializing or working on a hobby could be the way to go when I'm not feeling it.

Putting Hard Work In Perspective

Yesterday, I watched the movie Limitless with a friend and for being a guy who paid 12 bucks to see a movie, I thought it was a pretty fun film to go see. The critics are talking about its interesting usage of visual effects, instead of really the story plot which was pretty interesting. Some of my friends talked to me about how my field of trading was on the movie- it's true in how profits can be made really fast but the guy became a total genius with a quadruple I.Q. score from taking the smart pill haha.

In actuality, I believe that my field of trading is very risky so to make a decent living off of it- one really needs a formula and to seek consistent gains instead of always seeking out hitting a grand slam homer every time. In other words, it could take plenty of time to get used to it before seeing a decent earning that allows one to create a means of living off of it. Let's jump back over to the movie a little because I want to relate something about it to life.

The movie talks about how people can only use 20% of their brains- according to the Wikipedia article of the movie Limitless, an expert said that humans can use 100% of their brains sometimes and that the 20% saying is just a myth. Wow, I didn't really know that haha. For myself, I'm seeing that if people really dedicate themselves to getting good at something then they have a great chance of getting good at it which should be common sense and logical. If we factor in the less than optimal levels of brain waves surging through an activity, I believe that just a continual rinse and review will pretty much become like second nature and then promote growing bigger of knowledge and expertise in the desired field of the person's choosing. To put it in other words relating to the movie, if we let 20% of brain activity stick like human nature we can then let it add up until we get to 100% haha. The problem I see with some people these days, probably dealing with older folks, is the lack of motivation to go educate themselves again. Maybe, it could be because they would feel like a failure and that life has been reversed and that they wouldn't know how to rewind the clock because they'd still be the same person. I would recommend a lazy person to just turn off the television on a Saturday afternoon and go take a walk and then let that leisurely pace build into a fun repertoire. I believe that physical activity really helps keep an individual from burning out and motivated to be productive. I'm going to go do an hour of hiking later today. It's a little tiresome, but fun getting to see some cool birds and trying to chase slick lizards haha. I even got to see a wild honey bee nest which was unfortunately taken down- I was going to stick my hand in for honey when the beehive looked ready haha. 

Getting Reacquainted

Spending time on something you commit to should be a pretty good thing yes? haha. Okay, my mind is seriously feeling so relieved these days from actually being able to judge a situation and not get so caught up over baloney haha. I think it's the hard work that one puts into something and taking it at a moderate pace which allows the person to really see things a lot more clearer. I guess when things are looking really bad and you just don't know what it is, I would say to just work hard at something you really like doing and feel satisfied with. It's also important to remain in full honesty to yourself somehow. I guess that's why I'm using this blog to let out everything I really needed to say even if the other selfish party wasn't going to look at any of this writing haha.

I'm seriously ready now to take a feasible approach to the conflict I have faced from my most recent battle with some misfits haha. I'm okay with them continuing to act weird with me when I just go check it out myself personally. I could surely send some scouts out there, but nah, it's not going to require that much precision for me. They were being weird and really caused some sensational worries with the people around them which caused some of those people to look elsewhere and move on with their lives.

Probably the most negative thing I may be doing is just saying that some of those girls are not really my type while being upfront with them like that haha. It could make them mad when I say that we should just be friends and to tell me everything that's happening so I could laugh about it even more- no I'm just kidding about that haha. Yes, those would be some really good times for me haha. Getting involved somewhere is also really good. It looks like this whole wanting to be romantic thing might work out for me in the end- I'm like not in the mood after doing it so much then after a few days pass by, I'm in the same mood again haha. Honestly, I'm starting to get a little better feel for how women generally are even though I'm classified as a man. The Bible is also pretty accurate in its implications if one really puts some time into it, and yeah, there's plenty of information on those important life topics including what girls are like and how a guy should be sensitive to them enough.

In a nutshell, if I do keep talking about girls- there's some weird ones and great ones; I don't really want to reveal much about the great ones and there's some in between too. There's some who I thought were weird but in actuality, I'm thinking they may be actually a good person like Betty Lam (that one out of probably a million Betty Lam's haha) who used to go to that church diligently. I only want to prepare myself with liking her enough to just be a friend and respect her enough if she's going through a hard time now. I seriously don't know if she'll be around but hoping somehow I'll be able to reach her when I'm ready. It's okay, if she moves away and does something else with her life because I think I'll keep her in my prayers a little and wish her the best.

Let's Discuss About Life Randomly

Alright, looks like because of this blog, I'm becoming very boring haha. I'm just capable of relaxing now and accepting practically anything that goes against me so I've been through those same emotions over and over again. It's like now, I'm not really worried about those feelings and sort of laughing underneath whenever I get those slight problematic emotions again. My writing has pretty much benefited only one person- me. I'm so aware of myself because of it, and in a way, I'm really comfortable tackling stuff that others might feel a little petrified over.

Looks like with everything that's happened, things are sort of resetting and going back to normal like it never really happened. I'm just gaining some crafts with the time I put into something and that's that. There's no need for me to seek out attention because I'm surprised if even only one person really accepts me for who I am. Getting totally used to this whole things are not fair issue has made me capable of laughing at some things because I sort of see how it's really silly now. 

Trying to Perceive Things

I want to give everything I have and be really serious about some things. I don't know if my mind is becoming cocky or not, but it seems to want to think about how I've had some good fortune for the most part. This feels really weird but height actually doesn't matter to a short guy like me haha. Because I'm pretty stocky, I come looking still normal so with some people talking about how some people are too short, I think it's a bunch of gibberish. Short people can also learn to get some hops too and be relatively competitive compared to other taller people; sure, they have a disadvantage in sports with their taller counterparts but they're hard work really allows them to compete and be selected over millions of others who'll probably never be professionals.

I guess there's something to being short and then being born really small. It's amazing to me that some people are attracted to midgets and midgets themselves really know how to take good care of themselves and be confident, compared to drunkards haha. A lot of this whole living from successful people seems to come from the human spirit. In any circumstance, just being able to stay strong in heart really can take a person a long way. In my opinion, humans don't always feel like they're strong and can be setback by a number of different things like having a personal complex, which I find is a little more evident in women than guys but I'm not saying guys aren't susceptible to it too. I think I have a short-person complex and set out to try to make myself taller all the time and even to this day haha. No everything I'm saying here is not for April Fools Day haha.                      
                                                          
In the case that a person is distraught about anything, there's this Bible verse I picked up on that maybe it will provide some encouragement. Judges 6:15 says "But Lord," Gideon replied, "how can I rescue Israel? My clan is the weakest in the whole tribe of Manasseh, and I am the least in my entire family!" In verse 6:16 the Lord says that He will be with Gideon. Yeah, so if you're a believer who wants to be upright and faithful to God whose found in the Old Testament then the Lord will be with you. Gideon ended up clashing for his people and winning big in a time of intruders invading their given land from God. I believe it was just God's grace that the Lord chose the nation of Israel to experience blessings- even though the Bible mentions God knew from the start that Israel would be a stubborn nation and fall into sin and then get driven out of their land.