My personal emotions feel like they're in its rightful place now. Over the last decade, I've been facing the pains of the unknown and uncertainty dealing with agonizing over unpredictability in myself and others who were overreacting quite a bit. I had a way of offsetting a bad course, but each time I felt like I could have done something more and even better and then it would hurt me if a weird person didn't respond to me as I would have liked. It's because I became really instinctively smart while clashing with bi-polar like symptoms. It was this overwhelming sense of dread, agony, and fear whenever I attempted something that felt crazy but was embedded in my personal need. Each time, I put so much effort into it and would often feel like I became lucky. After awhile, I became like less engaged in something while people were going all off the wall with me which I experienced and happy to have triggered it no matter how bad it was. Through this moment of dealing with a bunch of people I never expected to be in a rage and fit and going all crazy to mention they wanted me out of their life because they couldn't handle a crazy emotion they felt with me, I went looking for my perfect swing which felt like a bad decision on the short term.
Then, it hit me with this realization of hope and propriety haha- it's because I was just too shy to speak up for myself. Guys in general don't really like to open up every little single detail because it feels very baneful, and I think they would rather have things easy going with the big picture or stay relaxed and ready to make the right decisions in a conflict or adversity. Guys will fail at stuff all the time or seem to be like that and look like they don't care about it. Finding favorable momentum and exchanging those emotions are what I have been so good at doing that it has freaked out some folks by how quiet I've been in my demeanor haha. I guess I was just really trying to be cool about it by staying quiet the whole time, and it even freaked out some friends haha. I get it now; everything, it's because I lacked a little loosening up and humor in myself.
Offending people who are looking at you at the weirdest sense is okay. Let them place a restraining order on you for all I care- let them call the cops; just be sure to be honest about it and find a reason to laugh about it in the most purest and joyful sense. Even if they manage to put you in jail or have your life executed a little short, it's a heroic thing to go through with it. Joyful submissiveness is one of the hardest things to acquire in life and using it in its proper form is so smart that it's too hard for me to ignore now. I'm glad I went through this really hard time that caused my emotions to reach an appreciative state. I'm glad that I held back in conflict and not became physically rough and tough in giving some overreacting guys a ride for using their money to show up to a place haha- they would have seriously not done anything if I was all over them in any sense and felt like a fool while letting me dominate them.
I've found some meaningful confidence now in this search and having had dealt with some unfair and natural difficulties. I think I've came through now and going to be using my full capabilities to get to where I want to be now. I don't need to rely on any addictions anymore either- I feel confident in that area I felt I was lacking in now because I've worked on those areas no matter how stupid and silly it may seem haha. Whatever complex I was going through, I worked on that and obtained that status about myself haha. Well, except for not being tall enough to my liking- which I'm finding to accept more in myself because there are shorter people who don't mind that much or would like to feel inspired. I understand now why my mom seemed to act like she was ridiculing others who are short and successful- it's so I could be inspired from it.
Academy of Scrappy Credible Undergraduate Desire
