Making Sense Out of What I Want to Do

Basically, I believe that for a lot of people and probably because of some negative experiences a person had, he or she can make any superficial thing a very important requirement for dating someone. If this is the case and no matter what the reason is, then I don't think the person is really that great to date to begin with and has some room to grow as a person. When something isn't going in that person's favor and has a need to vent about it, then I think the person is really the problem with a mental condition. 

I think it makes sense to ignore physical attraction and see it as a natural thing while being mindful about some things that are superficial. People were born to look a certain way and they won't be able to change it in a natural sense if it's not in anyone's preference. I think it's going out of harm's way to spend additional money to do plastic surgery to look like someone else and compensate for lack of self-esteem in one's appearance. 

It's much more stronger and meaningful to grow as a person while excusing things that you can't change about yourself as superficial and recognizing the things that you can naturally change while desiring to do so. It doesn't hurt to make yourself look nice on the exterior like working out, styling your hair, and wearing better clothes. 

Improving on To-do Things

There is this herbal caffeinated tea I can drink to keep myself up at home in the evening. I'm going to start drinking it. 

At home, I want to focus on doing some reading, working out, checking on my trades after 6 pm, play half an hour of fast-fold online Poker, read some leftover emails, conduct proper hygiene, and attempt some stretches that might make your posture look taller. On the weekend, I have a close friend who I like to hang out with. She's someone who I can feel turned on by physically but when I take that away from realizing it's nothing but what she was born with, we don't really have any interesting romantic chemistry but only having fun with common interests. I feel too uncomfortable with her to want to date because she can be a little crazy and withdrawn sometimes over unresolved personal issues that I know about. I'm still protective over her for some reason with other guys. I don't see her as a playful thing but someone I really care about. 

There's really nothing I can do about what I was born with and can't change. It's then shallow to dwell on those things you dislike about yourself and also looking down on yourself with things that you can't do anything about to really correct. My soulmate has it all wrong.

I'm just finally getting out of this stage of personal despair over superficial things I was born with and don't like while learning to love myself and being smart about dealing with it in a positive manner without feeling like an eyesore to others! On the other hand, my soulmate has been entering this negativity in her life after having used to be such a beautiful blessing to others. 

She is not a great person to be around at the moment, so it doesn't even faze me that she's been trying to avoid me after I made a joke that was offensive to her which I thought was rather clever and a much needed laugh for myself. She has been acting inappropriately with her impulsive outbursts and still has room to grow as a person. She's the one who started it with me, by not watching out for the messed up things she was saying and laughing about it afterwards. It doesn't matter if you try to sugar code it because the meaning is still there. 

Focusing on Going Somewhere

I really want to focus on working out, making a lot of easy money on the side, and reading books to grow as a person in my free time. When I'm ready, I will be putting myself out there to find a decent girlfriend. I'm a pretty God-fearing, traditional Christian so one can really expect me to behave in that type of manner while dating. It's ingrained in me emotionally as well as like some form of passion and this conviction isn't going anywhere else forever. I don't mind talking about it and arguing dissenting views either as long as it stays appropriate and peaceful.

It's good that I'm now open to communicating about stuff that offends me. 

Practicing Self-discipline

It looks like now that I want to become better at prolonged concentration while maximizing my output at a high quality. It's quite nice to be an athlete because there is an endgame stage in which all of them work so hard to make a living. 

I was watching the Winter Olympics yesterday and saw the inaugural final competition for women's freestyle ski jumps. The best athletes performed amazing aerial tricks like doing a 1620 degree spin while landing it perfectly backwards! It's pretty unheard of these days. 

The gold medalist is Chinese American and she has a side occupation as young, pretty model. She's also very intelligent.

From thinking about it with this whole dating aspect, I thought she looked very pretty but that's not what I'm really looking for in a partner anymore. 

You can just expect looks to fade in a long, happy marriage. It's not the very reason that a couple should stay together forever. To base it on physical attraction is more like looking at things you were already born with and it's superficial. I don't think the people who make a judgement call with dating based on physical attraction are that great people in the moment and have room to grow more as a person.

I used to be one of those superficial guys too who was all into appearances, but I've grown out of it now. I'm basing it off of looking for a deeper romantic connection that will permanently last. I think a lot of people don't work on this and only a few are lucky to be able to do this so naturally with their soulmates. It's quite offensive to me that others would be shallow, but I'm going to practice mindfulness while going on living. 

I think it's nice though to continue working on improving my physical appearance with the things I can naturally change, while letting go of the things I can't and excusing it as too superficial while not worrying about it any longer. 

Making Money as an Artform

I have figured out that my side hustle is from mainly being a trader. I also plan to be investing based on the trusted advice of a group that I have paid for to be a lifetime member. My target before I start investing fully with this group is acquiring $100,000 total in my portfolio value. I'm about 20% complete on my own but I probably could speed it up by taking it all out of my current 401K plan. There will be just too much unnecessary taxes to pay, so it's probably better to just keep it going for retirement. 

In the meantime, I'm working on honing my trading systems while allowing for any small dents. I believe in acquiring small wins to a bigger fortune besides just letting it ride on just one product you have faith in. I don't trust in myself enough with those decisions and don't want any emotional dependency with how the future is going to unravel. I'm ready to tag along and let go just as easily as the waves can release or take back sand. 

Finding Proper Person to Date

I'm seriously looking for a deep, romantic connection now based on having agreeable marriage-type values. It's difficult for me to establish this on the first date with anyone because I'm downplaying any physical attraction I feel and not committing myself to anyone. With the two single ladies I've been seeing so far, I'm getting them from a matchmaker. 

For these ladies to have been single for so long and probably pushed by their parents to find a well-cultured guy to marry, I'm not the ideal person at all. If they had any superficial thoughts and made that a point of rejecting me, then they are messed up people who have some growing to do. Still, they could end up feeling lucky with whoever they end up with and that's just life I am absolutely fine with accepting. They just revealed to me that there wasn't enough romantic chemistry after the first date. They could have also set their expectations too high and wanted something magical happen to them in return. 

It's only two people in my dating experience life from this matchmaker and probably some weird issues that they grew up with, if they lasted this long without being in marriage. I have been dealing with some myself, but I'm a guy who has been unwanted to begin with because I haven't put myself out there enough out of personal insecurities and fears of rejection, but all of that has passed. I feel great even with the height that is looked down upon by some physically attractive and superficial women. Contrary to what others may think, I don't think they are that great individuals at the moment who can do some more growing up and I don't really mind being around to try to encourage it. 

Managing Self With Best Intentions

For myself, I think it would just look nice to work out, build some muscle, have some nice abs, and maintain great hygiene. I'm not really seeking approval from others but I see that it doesn't hurt to have some enjoyment with maintaining those things. For the things that I can't work on, it's just messed up to look down on it especially from how I was already born. It's very superficial to dwell on it with depression and is going to go nowhere. It's better to keep on focusing on personal growth. 

I'm now open to being confrontational with the things that offend me right away, especially if it's ongoing and something related to bad manners. I guess it's normal to be pretty good at noticing those things when others are doing it to us at a personal level unwittingly and a sufficient amount of them do especially with the ones I have problems with. I just have been really shy about speaking up and now I'm beginning to fully understand these types of things peacefully and solidly from being in acceptance. 

Originally I thought that I had to just hold it in and not say anything while letting things move on, but I really can't anymore. I have to communicate what's offending me and let them know I'm not surprised if they are not being a happy camper. It's interesting that I can still think pretty straight while I'm angry about something. I instinctively know it's only temporary. 

The Revelation I've Always Been Waiting For

With all the offenses people have done to me, it's usually been about them not sticking to some good manners. Plenty of them lack self-control while going through some emotional drama. I realize that it really gets me furious but at the same time, I want to do more by encouraging them to grow as a person. I now understand myself better and the answer.

For all their complaints and unhappy mannerisms, they are really the ones being a problem to themselves. They are the ones who have a mental condition while dealing with something stressful and lashing out in a capricious and grumpy manner. How they can go about fixing this is to grow as a person. 

I didn't really know all this time and I kept on failing to see it in my personal and selfish fights to do low-level social justice with these estranged peers. Now I understand myself so much better and what I really stand for. I guess I'm just another okay fellow in this world. 

Judging Estranged Friends

I currently have two estranged friends and their personal characters have been questionable. Yet, they are still pretty close to me. It now makes sense to me that they legitimately offended me in a personal sense from not being a lady and gentleman respectively. 

The problem is because it's them and they are going through a mental condition. It doesn't surprise me now that they would go through some ailments and complain about them. They just need to grow more as a person to get over them. Plus, they did enough things to offend me greatly at a personal level. I can still overlook them though because I like to put on a gentleman's act while dominating other things and laughing at stuff privately that came upon them to their own detriments. 

With both of these close estranged friends, I have dedicated myself to reaching a separate goal each before getting around to talk to them and going for the reveal with what I think is wrong about them. It's just them being the problem for their own self and having a mental condition. They can get over it if they let themselves grow as a person, which anyone can do. 

Finding Acceptance Through Weakness

Height shouldn't really matter in general or any appearances you were born with to start out in life. It's just messed up to say something negative or turn people down because of it in general, along with if there is a romantic connection and not already in a committed relationship. It would just mean the person who does it in that case has a problem for him or herself. This person is the one who needs to do some growing up, while the person on the other end who receives it needs to accept it in mindfulness and go about life while possibly moving on if he or she finds someone better to be in a relationship with. 

Women are the weaker vessel and so it can look like how they are acting so weird sometimes if you don't really know them. I'm able to accept these things now because I'm understanding the things that really offended me from what estranged friends did to me. 

Powering the Way

Taking charge of the moment, I think it's more important to be focused on doing what's in the present besides wasting some time away complaining to yourself about not having certain criteria met already. The reason is because the person is lacking some character and putting off working on it from having struggles, a mental disorder, or both. It can be overcome from growing as a person while practicing mindfulness. 

What makes this personal growth and mindfulness even better for me is from placing my faith in Christ based on the New Testament. I am a believer and the belief system works for me, while giving me so much solace and inner peace for just myself. I think it's part of being in God's kingdom to apply some secular knowledge that makes you grow as a person. There are disagreements with many stances that the Bible points out but we are all entitled to our opinions even if they make us cringe! It's something we can accept with mindfulness while voicing things that are unreasonable and wanting something that's morally fitting! 

Going into Personal Beliefs

I'm pretty big on character and a friend who I haven't spoken to in a while is like a doofus to me! I think he might have a mental disorder because he can't seem to think straight sometimes and is filled up with too much negativity while centering it only around himself. He doesn't even act like a gentleman while he is going through this mess. 

The reason for all of his complaints is because of himself. He needs to grow up more and accept things with mindfulness like a lot of normal, successful people do. He either struggles to do this, has a mental disorder, or has both. He responds back negatively when I bring this up which is offensive to me. In the end, it makes sense for him to be where he's at while pitifully moody about his situation and voicing his complaints. There are going to be at least a few people who are like this in the world and even my soulmate is like this on a smaller scale. It's something that I have come to accept while keeping my cool about it. 

For myself now, it's about voicing what offends me and being able to get along with them still because it's something I can overlook while still growing as a person. I want to just be the one to tell them to improve themselves as a person and that it isn't a surprise to me why they voice some concerns that are silly to me. They need to put in the effort to grow as a person while being mindful about everything and accepting who they are. They can make good character decisions to make themselves more attractive to others. The positive is that this is something anyone can work diligently at to achieve in time. In other words, it isn't a superficial thing that I'm judging them over. 

It's amazing how we can work on wearing different types of clothes, gain status, work on our hygiene, and work out to improve our appearances. These are the things that we can morally weigh without any guilt for physical attraction. Things that are not easily fixable like height and facial construction at birth shouldn't be something to measure because it's superficial and can be totally degrading even to yourself in a way if you don't have something like a short girl being attracted to a significantly taller man.

My Relationship With a Close Female Friend

Since I'm single and oriented towards wanting to marry a decent lady, my relationship with one of my closest female friends is very important to me. We are only friends because neither of us are right for each other in terms of intimate relationship values. She's different like she doesn't want to have kids and wants to still have some space from her significant other, which would sort of kill me. 

I have realized though that we do have amazing chemistry with each other like in the things that mutually interest us. 

Some people do think we are a couple when they see us, which either of us don't mind most of the time and can laugh about. I'm sure she's also felt some physical attraction with me during a few moments in the past while hanging out because I do like to workout. I have those feelings sometimes with her too but it just doesn't matter to me anymore because I think both of us don't want to make it count. 

The reason is because looking at the deeper surface, our values when it comes to being in a marital-type relationship don't align. She is different from a lot of people and it's something that I'm making an effort to not to judge out of respect and treating her like family. If later on, we both grow as a person and we're both not seeing anyone and she started seeing life positively in a different light that matched a great deal of my important preferences [that is never superficial] then I can see a potential romantic and deep relationship take over our lives. However, I believe that living in the present is the most important state of our lives.  

As a progressive romantic, I've accepted that this may not happen as well as there are plenty of beautiful [on the inside] available women already out there who may be ready for possibly seeing me as their future husband. There was never any wrong in my budding friendship with my current buddy and something I can accept with confidence and contentment. 

Practicing Mindfulness and Growing as a Person

I'm now in a better state of mind with being at peace after being severely offended by several people I used to know. Looking back then, I felt I was weak for choosing not to do my usual fighting stance and start yelling at them. If they were in the military while I was working as a trainer then maybe it would have been different. 

I'm actually very energetic and will be so persistent, but now I'm open-minded with letting everything out in the open if I have to. I want to try to be appropriate as well, so it makes sense that I want to see long gone acquaintances grow into better people while using me as an example and not reacting so badly about it.

I'm about growing as a person now and accepting that some people will take longer or even never get there. 

Decent Attitude Adjustment

I believe that people shouldn't really talk about their superficial dating preferences around others. It can really be conceived as negative for those who don't possess them. Just as easily, the offended person can say something offensive in a superficial way to the person revealing theirs first. There are probably some things that are better off never being mentioned. I think this is one of them.

The reason why it's so negative with these superficial things is because it can't really be adjusted that easily in a natural fashion. It's like something that you were born with and don't really have to take extreme measures to be happy over if you can accept it. If it was very easy to change, then I don't think it would be that big of a deal to bring up at all. 

As a result, it's probably better to just practice mindfulness and accept that some people you have associated with might still need to grow up. What you can change is doing things that feel sexy like working out and getting more toned muscles and developing a great personality that you are happy to express around others. 

Making Money

I'm starting to figure out that I have three ways of mainly making money on the side apart from my main job. With my investments, I have some going into savings with stocks, my 401 K, and a very small interest from a bank. 

I want to do a great job with my work, but it looks like I really want to stay home and not really have to focus on working and make money by taking it fairly from other people in a competition. Zero sum games are essentially pure competitions where you have a set of established rules and then do all you can to take the most money from the market cap. It's like having wealth transferred over to you from less prepared players. It's the way life is and I plan to spend it wisely and even give back a portion of it. I might as well, since this is the type of lifestyle I'm personally attracted to and will make me happy. It's there and it's a legal and fair game while paying taxes to the country and nobody is complaining except for the unfortunate players who lost all their money and possibly important relationships or possessions from not being smart enough about it. 

It's essentially a job in itself so I think there's a moral responsibility if you do well in it to not squander wealth that once was under the custodianship of someone else. It's never really theirs to begin with and neither isn't mine. It's just a privilege to be comfortable and interested enough to make a living while putting in the effort and playing it safe. I don't think it even violates the Bible even though I do feel sad for those people. They shouldn't be playing it, but it's legal and the transfer of having this wealth is something I feel I can do a better job under my watch and hopefully they will grow as a person and come to their senses. This is practically where you can detach your emotional worries and just do what you love doing to earn money even if it bothers some people who don't understand it. These people just need to grow more as an individual and hopefully, they will. 

Things to Work On

Well it looks like I'm ready to start hitting the gym and working on building up some muscle. I just feel good in general and along with my confidence level. I'm also curious about seeing if I can get taller with some advertised products at this age, so I'll just try it out to see what happens.

It looks like playing Poker for money makes me feel pretty empty inside. It's not that I hate playing it though. Maybe it's just something I should set a time limit too while accepting a good or unfavorable outcome. I think I'll just try that out then. 

I also want to get myself invested in doing some options trading as well. 

Making Positive Assertions About Dating

I'm noticing now that I might be a pretty handsome guy for my age even though I'm short. In a sense, I'm also pretty manly now but what helps me keep my confidence and bring out all the good sides for me is not being superficial even under any stress and worries. 

It makes sense with inferring it to be a positive thing because I'm not bothered at all with my own shell when I'm in that state of mind. I have accepted that some people will never get over their dating preferences and will affect my chances of dating, which I believe is something you can overlook while you grow as a person. This acceptance is made possible for me by practicing mindfulness! 

Overall, I feel confident now that I'm observing that more women around my age group are becoming more open-minded with dating capable men who are less physically attractive. They are also still capable of bearing children. 

Trying to Make Good Money in the Long Run

It's starting to make sense in that it's not really about being greedy but about making an impact to earn wealth. I really do want to tithe my earnings and on top of that, it might be no secret that I intend to help out relatives with important things like exorbitant hospital bills if I can stomach it. All this hard work that I will be putting into making money might not really feel like having that much of a hard time because I enjoy figuring it out. I have this positive mindset that's keeping me going while doing the challenges that I'm less fond of. 

I don't think playing Poker is the right fit for me because it's really an empty game in the end unless you are lucky enough to become a star.  

Little Nervous Excited in a Good Way

I am about to have my first date with a pretty lady who said is excited to see me today. I'm writing this on Jan 26 of this year. Yes, I'm months ahead with my writing schedule that I don't really feel like checking up on normal holidays or current events. This is probably the disadvantage that the things I write about may have already passed but it's good for me to go back and check up on how I was doing before then.

There's really no guarantee that things will go well, but I hope it does as always. I'm mainly looking at matching up our values and opening for any type of romance. I don't care how the looks are on the outside really anymore. I really enjoy the journey of becoming a better person and being there at the right time and place while possibly sharing it with someone special. 

This lady I'll be meeting today might be someone special since I never expected anyone like her to take some interest in me. I have to not be shallow; otherwise, I will suffer from being filled with preconceived negativity over knowing that so many insecure and physically vulnerable women see my short height as a bad thing. I have accepted that their minds won't be changed and there's nothing I can really do about it except going after doing the things that really matter. In other words, I can just be smarter, nicer, and do things in a better way which are so many times more important than fretting about not being able to provide an immature and physically attractive lady comfort over a superficial layer that I can't really improve upon. At least I have a purpose in life and can obtain happiness with the fullest amount of self-confidence! 

Also, there are already women out there who might be open-minded to a guy who just has really good and permanent characteristics that he obtained over time and they are very attracted to. My soulmate really has more growing to do as a person, since she's in the dating crowd who wants to be with a specific height; otherwise, she will feel bothered about dating a compatible guy who doesn't meet her physical standard. Also my soulmate can be so grouchy, impatient, immature, and negative sometimes. I really see these things about her now as they are brought to light after she initiated a fall out with me. I'll be looking to mend ways with her though as good friends should soon after I find myself a girlfriend. 

Risking It to Make Money

I think my ultimate stage of making money will be signing on with a group that I have entrusted myself with once I have over $100,000 in career earnings from investing/trading. I am a moderate risk taker and don't mind taking a loss that much if it was inevitable or made a mistake. I will learn from them and keep on going. 

By trading with a longer term scope, it means that I don't have to be at the computer that long. With people being greedy and thinking they are great at something and only for them to fail later on, the reactions are almost going to be negative in some way. They have room to grow as an individual, and I don't have a problem bringing it up with them if they did something to offend me in a personal way. I want to be a better person and so I just need to do something about it or it's going to drive me crazy. Messaging made it a lot easier while exploring myself and coming to a better understanding. Of course these people did something that was offensive to me. They cut off communication with me. 

I will be looking to break the ice with them again, now that I understand my purpose and desires with them. If I did something wrong or they are able to pull a fast one against me, then I'm not afraid to accept these consequences. I am mindful enough to play nice while going after outsmarting them as well if necessary. It totally makes sense now. It's just talking about with them what offends me with what they are doing and trying to coach them to grow as a better person. 

Understanding My Role as a Friend

I'm interested in seeing people grow as individuals because if I don't do something about it under my watch then it's going to drive me crazy. It took me a long time to figure this out, but now that I've come to terms with it and understand how to make myself happy, it's time to reveal it here. 

I want to be something like my own form of untrained therapist friend with individuals who do things that are offensive to me like deleting me as a friend on Facebook when I didn't do anything that was seriously bad to them. If it was, then they should try to sue me which I will end up defending and/or filing a counterclaim. I am also unashamed to reveal this while laughing about it in front of their faces. 

This becomes easy because I want to feel good by trying to motivate them to grow as a person while talking about the offensive things they did to me as an example. I have practiced being mindful enough to separate my negative emotions and keep them in check while behaving in a proper manner. I'm lucky enough to be overcoming it without getting any help while being satisfied working on it alone. 

What I Think Dating Preferences Might Be Based On

I believe dating preferences are rooted off of insecurities and personal vulnerabilities based on our experiences of growing up. These preferences are irreconcilable at the moment, but as we grow as a person they can be overlooked. I think the ideal dating partner will look for only matching values and a romantic connection besides just pre-screening others based on a superficial attitude. 

Because so many ladies and gentlemen are like this on dating apps, it feels too overwhelming for me to navigate around already. I don't want to pay for it either or open myself up to any possibility. It's just my preference to put myself out there in person like the traditional way and allow myself to take a rejection after trying to flirt with a single lady of interest without feeling any hurt out of it, if it does happen. 

Honestly, I'm capable of putting down shallow ladies and making them feel offended from making offensive jokes that reciprocate things about me. Even my close friend was saying I was being too overboard, but now she's taken a step back from advising me. I feel very confident with being opinionated and totally rocking others who are shallow and going to look down on me in any way with the physical shell I was given. They can also stand to grow more as a person and become better like my soulmate who is such a superficial and negative numbskull!  

I think it's better to always keep these negative thoughts that are superficial preferences and something you can't change about others within yourself. It's better to reveal them when you are being confronted with these types of talks by others. 

My soulmate talked too much about dating while she was single and became too negative about it. After offending her, I hope she will grow as a person and won't ever speak or express it in that manner to others. 

Preferences Changing Like Crazy

I don't think appearances matter to me anymore. I'm over being shallow. I want to put all my attention on the important things like values, romance, love, and being able to manage differences with my future wife. I guess marrying a woman of age would mean being able to have kids and start a family. 

For myself, I believe in having a very healthy and happy life. I want to balance my life in between happy things besides just focusing on a career.

When I think about my soulmate right now, I think she's crazy, negative, and whiny underneath her tiny frame but at least she isn't very evil. I can't be with her forever out of reaching a personal decision but I do still love her and want both of us to be happy just for the sake of being us.  

Committing Myself to Making Money

The areas that I want to make a lot of money in are trading options, cryptocurrency, and Forex. Once I have made enough, I want to then move into investing stocks with an investment group that I trust. I think my life will then be set with being financially independent and having all the freedom in the world to do whatever and whenever. 

With this matchmaker business, I'm not a big fan of it as I believe in choosing your partner carefully and taking all the time in the world as you need for it. I also believe that you don't need to have a lover nor be in a significant relationship with anyone to be a happy person. 

It really comes from just willing your mind to have a positive outlook. Sometimes, it takes some time to figure out the solution. It's worth putting in the time because then you deserve to be happy. 

I'm interested in gaining some muscles and also feel like making some iced coffee and sharing it with my close friend. 

Hope It Goes Well

Well I am meeting up with a woman who I'm interested in hitting it off with. I hope it goes well and ends up working out. Matthew 6:33 says to seek first the kingdom of God and then all these things shall be added onto you. What it means to me is to center everything around obeying the desires of God's heart to allow for personal understanding of what makes you happy. 

I'm really going to need to listen to the New Testament again. I have been having trouble keeping up with it. 

I also need to pay off the bills for this month. I made some returns due to some binging that I did for shopping. I will be checking out the damage that I did. 

It looks like I'm backing off of stocks right now from not expecting a good year and slowly pulling out my gains. I am looking to get myself into options, cryptocurrency, and Forex. I want to make money off of a highly volatile market. 

I also want to start working out my muscles instead of just running mostly for my workout now. I want to do some weights too and take classes. 

I guess for me it's to focus on making money with what I want to do, getting more fit, having fun around others or by myself, and trying to flirt with single ladies for fun and then accept any rejections with a positive attitude! 

Making Better Progress

I think I'm going to start working out with some weights. I have a date so I just want to pump myself up with so much confidence in my physique. Not that looks really matter to me. Yes really because I need to not be shallow so I won't feel so discouraged about being short and dealing with this gigantism ideology. I guess it's nice to be tall and a dude and to have several women who just feel naturally attracted to that person because they feel small and insecure. It's definitely a form of feeling physically vulnerable so they just like being held by a tall man. 

It is definitely a superficial preference and just because they are tall doesn't mean the they are a great person. It can also be that a great number of these women really have room to grow more in character as a person inside and they haven't really thought about it. 

I think finding a great woman will be easier for me because the world is filled with a lot of superficial people while it's accepted by people in general. I've grown out of it and feel that there's a bigger picture to seek after. Besides, there are still the special ones out there to go after seeking from just putting yourself out there. 

Realizing What It's Been About

With me hounding past friends or acquaintances about things bugging me in the past, I'm starting to realize that I can get over it rather quickly but there's a strong desire to coach them to grow into better people. With all these frustrations to their angry outbursts and negative reactions, I like to stick around and not quit on them nor myself. I'm still not quitting on them. It's just that I made a foolish oath to God that cannot be undone for me. It's like the point of no return unless it was totally immoral and not aligned with the Lord's ways. 

Based on my nature, I'm now committed to getting a six pack and becoming a millionaire so that I can get around to doing what I was always searching for. Maybe I made this pointless goal for the sake of buying myself time and just did it out of pride. Digging more deeper into it, it does tie into my greatest personal goals that I'm seeking after. It even ties to my faith in God. I want to be healthier so I could reach out to more people that might have rugged roads or extreme conditions to deal with. I also want to donate more money in quantity and freely without that much hurt by being only a millionaire. I'm happy to call myself just average at this level. 

I have to obtain my commitment now since I vociferously wrote to that crazed church group and also prayed to God that I wouldn't reach out to them until I did this. There's another vow I made to God dealing with never doing a behavior as well and it's stuck. I don't think I made a heartfelt enough prayer or committed prayer to the Lord that I was never going to swear by myself. Well, I don't swear around others no matter what it is and even while writing to them so I can allude to them sometimes in a creative manner. I think I already made that oath a long time ago so it's stuck with me ever since. Making these oaths to God is not totally a new thing for me then. 

Insecurity I Will Never Get Over

I'm starting to realize that a lot of dating preferences with women might be over superficial concerns and personal vulnerabilities. I don't really think much of that matters to begin with because now I'm looking to get rid of my own insecurities permanently and just be like the heck with it while being who I am at the same time. I prefer being pleasant while speaking my mind at the same time to relieve me of minor annoyances. 

I have grown a lot as a person and think I can actually help and understand those people who don't respond to me in a gentleman like way while letting them know about it. It's maybe a sign that they don't really need me as a friend! I'm interested in influencing them to be better people though and not really focusing on the visual stuff. I'm more interested in getting down to the matters of the heart. 

There's one insecurity I have and will probably never get out of. I don't like girls telling me that I'm like a brother to them. I also don't want to hear about superficial preferences from anyone that are accepted to be something you can't really change and I don't have myself because it's noise to my ears. I would rather have it with them keeping it to themselves because it's going to eventually trigger me. My soulmate is still mad at me while having a hard time and thinking she didn't deserve me making fun of her. 

I'm going to do the same for others and expect it to be done upon me as well. I don't think a close friend of mine really understood how much it bothered me and I became mean towards her as a result that she never brings it up with me now. I think she will sometimes keep on pushing the envelope until she's forced to back out of it permanently. 

Finding My Voice

I think I've found my voice over the years and direction. It's crazy how I'm doing this with no audience in mind. I have literally no filter but I'm still managing to keep a close friend who has her eyes on me and likes to get all intense over the little things that bug the heck out of her. She has plenty of social anxiety and has issues with herself and just wants people to do well so she can approve of them. 

She's too wacky for me to want to date and I also wouldn't change who she is as a person even if I started all over with meeting her for the very first time. The only thing I would have changed about myself  is to be more secure and then maybe I would have regrettably dated her to the point of not being close friends like we are now. Never say never though. 

After getting to know my close friend, I'm never going to initiate anything with her. She knows that I'm a tough act to find someone I would be fond of because of my high standards. It's going to take me longer because it's harder to find these types of ladies but it's definitely doable in this lifetime no matter who I end up with because I'm now not so judgemental about appearances. I have to be this way so that I won't be insecure about my height. It has already played a huge, destructive barrier for me to find a good woman to marry. In a sense, not being shallow is a very positive flow for me to introduce to my barely existing dating life. 

Learning to Be Better Person

I think "Jesus really is the way, truth, and the life" John 14:6. I'm an unapologetic believer of Christ. I don't really practice any strict religion and believe that working on yourself and being a decent human being is the way to go, no matter the cost and how crazy certain situations are.

This leads me to believe that some people are really weak when facing some negative criticism and there's always one to exist within a crowd. It happens and they could probably be towards having a narcissistic attitude. Narcissists tend to blame the problem on something else besides centering it on them and will react negatively if you direct some criticism at them. 

The way I react when I hear about it is by arguing it out when I'm talking to people who are mad at me. It's quite funny to me and now I'm just being open about it. I thank my close friend who is a girl and just too much for my dating preference! I don't really care about her appearance either. She can be tall, fat, and more boyish in appearance but she is not. Her nature is much more decent with me, and it's probably because we really have that close relationship which is related to being like family.