Smooth Flowing

Living with my parents is starting to become a drag and the only reason why I'm living with them still is because I don't have enough money to buy a better house than them. I put up with them because there is enough independence for me, and they are used to me being a jerk to them. I pay my mom some rent money that she doesn't need and she puts it into an annual CD for savings. I'm paying about $840 monthly to live with my parents in a two-story house with plenty of amenities. It's not a bad savings for me and the annoying side is that my parents have distracting behaviors about them.

These distracting behaviors that I term to be annoying with my parents and not say anything to them about is because I want to be selfish and successful and them doing those things gets me caught up in their mess and keep me from going where I want to go. My dad is a pretty big couch potato and still likes to smoke cigarettes. He gets a lot of mental breakdowns and starts yelling to try to assert his dominion but he's physically weaker than me so yeah, I want to so school my dad at times from getting those psychotic feelings because my dad doesn't care about being a jerk.

Overall, I think roommates would be stupid at times too and if I ever get married, she could have some stuff that I will feel annoyed by. I already feel annoyed by this cute chick that I'm close to and also great friends with. Eventually, I want to move out of my parent's house and get a better one than theirs and find the right girl to marry and settle down with a great sex life! Yeah, that would be awesome, if it's even possible for that to last.

Final Stop

Currently, with this job place I'm at, I'm very lucky to be a part of it- it's a family business. My buddy's annoying and dumber twin brother kept on trying to make fun of me by saying stuff I couldn't make out and then laughing with a really high-pitched laughter for a few seconds. It's whatever but I've been thinking psychotic about filming him on my iPhone and uploading it to YouTube. I could title it like, "This guy!" That dumb dude couldn't find a job so he would try to bother me to get my dad who is the CEO to lend him some money. Man, that's really funny.

He would also constantly say some dumb characters on TV reminds him of me. Okay, that's cool and I don't mind being laughed at. I actually just ignored him by not saying anything and that pretty much hurt him enough to move on and not say that much stuff about me. It's like I'm not phased and he's too weak and not much of a bother. I think he respects that type of quality with me, so even though I did it thinking I was going to be a jerk, I think it's been a bonus for me in dealing with him.

 I don't intend on sticking around with the family business. I want to make it on my own. It's too hard and yeah, yeah, yeah, I already have something to work on for myself. This family business which I finally landed on after good fortune and my dad hating on me to not join this business, I can see why he held me back. He knew that I would have something against it and I would have a hard time surviving and there would be so much pressure on him to make me get promoted. He just didn't want to do all of that from not being in the mood with me. I understand.

My mom even bothered me to get a job constantly and was driving me crazy. I had emotional ties that I had trouble breaking and then I did it, I left home to find work and stayed out of the house for some time. After I got back, my dad let me into his business. I can only say that my dad was actually lucky enough to have a job with support and to be able to work so hard in it and let it build up. Pretty cool that my dad went for it in the beginning and saw enough money to be made and to support families.

I see where I'm heading now in branching off to do my own risky business with not much support either. It will be like living on the edge, but the reward would be so much greater if I come out a winner. Also, if it goes bad I will have enough experience to go back to make money and minimally pay the bills.

Overall, it wouldn't be comfortable for me unless I made God the biggest focal point in my life. Then, I would be giving credit to all the success I can obtain to the Lord and from then, I could live my life in giving to the Lord and also getting it back from Him with more blessing.

Living For Excellence

Life sucks. People can be such a pain in the neck! Notice how I dumbed down my usage of words and like a stupid person I do ***** to block out the actual bad word. Maybe I should spend a little more time with the dictionary to find a more elaborate word and to try to pass off a little dry and black humor for myself.

I feel selfish with my attempts to do well. It's a lot about being so good that I get recognized by others. I want to connect with my own friends really well and have them just continuously parade me with annoying messages on Facebook. Honestly, who would want that after awhile? That's so crazy to begin with, so what I have going on low key is pretty good and a few people really hate me for the stupid posts I put up that they unfriend me or they just don't like me for any reason I have done in the past or not too far back.

It's not about me wanting them now. I believe I have very high expectations to do so well and just set off a tirade with people's simple mindset. I mean that I'll be surprising to quite a bit of people and when it wears off after awhile, it may or may not make sense to them.

I'm just saying that my journey shouldn't really relate to any intention at all to impress everybody. If some of the things I do connect with a few people, then that's great! However, if there's nothing then there's nothing I can do about it.

I really want to give this full head on effort now to do well for myself and to be able to take care of others too. The feelings and thoughts I have in my head are just that- emotions and opinions, respectively; it's just too hard to ignore. I want to deal with the sorrow, pain, anger, and disappointments which lead me to draw my attention to simple and entertaining things. I would like to keep myself on a steady path and have all the negative energy depart from me on a regular cycle. It comes and goes intermittently.

I'm pretty much doing what's common which is watching TV or playing video games when I'm in that state of mind. I could also be putting myself into some deep and entertaining thoughts while I'm by myself; I've never thought I could do this on my own but it's been useful while I'm trying to better improve myself. Overall, I'm concluding that I need to learn to be more productive and efficient with my time. It's hard because of all of these distractions that just keep me from reaching it. Also, it can feel stressful at times too so I would have to find things that make me happy while being patient enough to work through things that are a pain. This is the area where I believe separates the average with the exceptionally great accomplishers.

I think my buddy isn't going to be successful and I'm not saying this to try to make fun of him. He's probably never going to get it from not having a great level of comprehension and thinking he's all fine and dandy still, which is probably the flaw to his masterful plan. He just wants to be ignorant of stuff going on that he doesn't care about while thinking he's the best, when he clearly is not and will have a blind level of happiness momentarily and only for it to be taken away again because he missed something or wants to blame someone took it away from him. Therefore, he can't be the best if there are those factors that keep him from maintaining his steady composure.

Finding Solace

It's really largely thanks to trying to study the Bible on a daily basis and also listening to teachings of it that go by a verse-by-verse method that I'm finding a lot better relaxation over the crazy stuff that's happened to me over all these years. It's like a bunch of negative memories that just flash back and I can't do anything about them. Obviously, it's easy to go crazy from allowing that to happen on a regular basis. I've really found that accepting the truth to all those matters has really been my resolve.

It's probably better to just let things go anyway and move on from those silly thing that happened whether you can learn anything from it or not. Having been taken advantage of or stomped on from a misunderstanding sucks a lot but we're still breathing and capable of having a life. I guess through hard work one will be blessed with however amount, but at least it can be built upon and continuously improving itself.

From talking about how I find a lot more consolation when I learn more about the Bible, I recall the pastor Chai from Hope of God church just not really connecting with me with his so-called lessons. I think they were very heavily opinionated and more focused on dealing with worldly matters rather than trying to lead or encourage us to learn how to have a better relationship with God. There was definitely some controversial stuff, like being cured of a disease through spiritual healing. Also the members liked to speak in tongue which sounds like babble to an outsider. I don't even know if it was a real language they were speaking and nobody was there to translate it, so that was crazy and felt exclusive.

There was a good girl there at that church I was really digging in the beginning, Judy. Nowadays, it's like ehh whatever but while I had those love-see dove-see feelings back then, I recall her saying that church taught expository teaching which is a big word for life-application teaching. I have to disagree with what she thought now even though she felt it really was real. They didn't really go on a verse-by-verse study, chapter by chapter. They jumped around and did topical studies and even revisited the same ones. The small group discussions weren't really spirit-filled but more about head knowledge.

This church is like a ticking time bomb and waiting to explode after something catastrophic happens to the members. They really can't dedicate themselves fully to God's principles because they have the emotional element that leads them astray. They figure what they are doing is correct and are not humble enough to examine themselves. They think they are on the right place, but all I really see them now as are just people who want to play church and be ignorant about how they could be so wrong. I proved them wrong in one area and it's affected Lee and Chai quite in some way and even Jarred and Chris and Betty and Annie. It's some of the most influential people of the church that I affected because I held back on trying to expose them for being wrong. I was selfish for holding back and not telling them the truth because I was afraid of losing them as friends. Well, that's already happened regardless of what I did and even though I tried my best. It's a lesson learned; it's inevitable sometimes about acting out in what you believe in so much and leading you to trouble. The best thing I could do for those people I'm causing to turn crazy with me is to be fully honest and have my fun with them at the same time so I'm happy and stop bugging them eventually.

Revisiting Old Times

One of my top ten posts which miraculously has better than one view from another stranger is about Betty from Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. Boy she really ticked me off and I was trying to repress it the whole time. I don't care because she admitted this. She had a brain aneurysm and used to be fat and even cut herself from being depressed about it. She started laughing while talking about all of these details and I think she's crazy from seeing it that way!

Actually, I'm laughing from writing about those negatives about her. It would explain why she would come across as a jerk to me and look like she's all lost somewhere. She even said she wanted nothing to do with me and I just kept pushing forward like an idiot. I should have let her go from then on. I had a selfish agenda underneath which I couldn't find out what it was and that drove Betty crazy and made her get a mental breakdown with me several times. It was like kicking around a lifeless horse.

To deal with my insane anger with Betty, I wrote a love song based on her. It was even more crazy and encouraged bad things to happen to Betty. I admit it that I had some psychotic emotions against Betty and wanted her to just suffer in the nicest way possible so I could eventually laugh about it behind her back. I'm now laughing heavily against Betty and it's only because I remember that she admitted to her mental problems from the past.

I officially admit that I had a falling out with Betty because I was too careless and stupid to deal with her kind. Betty turned into a brat and that's how she's going to be with me until she makes it to heaven. I hope I get there; well, I can confidently say that I will be there from believing upon Jesus as my main Savior and it isn't something ignorant I developed for wanting a security blanket.

Betty was cool in the beginning and then with all these events happening, she did a complete 180 with me and turned bad to be friends with. I'm still okay with being friends because I've been always going up on the rise. I just know that Betty isn't the ideal type of person to be friends with now and there are better people than her out there like me! Betty has like a mouth that has really shut up these days when the topic is centered around me.

Well I polished up my insane song that the world should stalk Betty with me leading the charge. Actually I had a vision of using a really hot girl to be my model for my song rather than Betty. It was loosely inspired from me being so heavily **CURSES** angry at Betty's dumb demeanor towards me.

The irony to all of this is that song has been very heavily polished and my close lady friends have said it's really good and that I should send that song over to Betty. I'll sing it someday with those lifeless losers as my audience at Hope of God Church in Los Angeles, if they are still around. I don't care if that church turns bust and I sing to no one in the end.

Creating Balance

I have a very vivid memory of my buddy and the stuff he has gone through is pretty silly from letting himself have a mental breakdown over things that barely relate to him and looking down on others. As he is getting older and we are the same age, it feels like he's degenerating because he just can't handle dealing with a lot of annoying things. He has brought up to me several times in the past that he has accepted his depression. His gains are short term and there are more down periods for him. Overall, I believe that he lacks in critical thinking  and people skills so his solution would be to avoid any possibility of putting himself in danger. He's pretty much just trying to live his life the best way he can and hasn't really put on anything really impressive to stand out. He would like to argue otherwise though but that is just for him to figure out someday why the world doesn't stand with his views. From being close to him, I was at the front of hearing some of his crazy thoughts and views. Boy they made me mad to hear them often and with him denying that there were some loose ends to his conclusions. I guess if I ever hear his thoughts again, I'm not really going to take it that seriously. If he asks me a question on what to do, I'll just tell him what I think honestly and get used to him not agreeing with me.

What my main picture of this guy I'm writing about is that from spending a day with him, he would just watch YouTube clips all day and keep himself indoors. I was the kind who wanted to go out and do stuff and I would even pay out of pocket for him to go with me. You know it was like about having a buddy to back you up. He's not the ideal kind for that because he lets himself get into a lot of thinking traps. It really figures that he would be depressed or bitter because he would be sensitive and mope about the past. At least he talked a lot about his problems with me, but it was annoying to me because he wasn't able to solve them rationally and while fully at peace. For a guy like him, he's just letting himself stress out while looking down upon others and thinking he's a little better than everybody but forcefully ignoring that he hasn't lived up to his expectations.  

For balance, it really does come down to standing on the firm promises of God found in studying the Bible which is easy to get so distracted by and not pick up much. I remember this from Annie the old small singles group leader who I did not support at Hope of God in Los Angeles. I had an unreasonable crush on her. It was really annoying because I would get so turned off by her and then wanting to blame myself for still liking her. I'm fortunate to have gotten over it. The Bible even talks about how the devil can quote Scriptures almost accurately for his own purposes, so it would be easy for any of us to be mislead by those who know what they are doing for their own agenda. I'm just saying that the devil can be right in some cases but the overall picture would be for his own selfish gain and that would screw us over in the end. Annie was correct about expressing how good it is to stand on the promises of God, but it was just an emotion and she failed to elaborate on it to encourage her small group. I should have spoke up and said "I think your time to spiritually lead us is over." I can't take the reigns though because I know I will suck too but I just know that she sucked. Annie is no longer the leader at that church and she's like a simpleton these days. She's human as she says she is and whether she degenerated or not, it's really none of my business to find out.

Girlfriend Situation

Let's see, for my candidate list at the current moment, I only have four girls to choose from. I'm really close with three of them. The fourth one is cute and she bought me lunch, yes (!), and talked about how cool it is to hang out together. She's the best on the list so far, but I'm so hesitant still from not being that sure if I should pursue a relationship with her to begin with. I just don't want to be not sure and ask. I'd like to be sure and then deal with her mess of saying stuff that could break my heart. I can get over it fast. I think one of the girls on my list actually did break my heart, but I got over it from her actually being really sweet and maintaining a cute friendship with me. I treasure friendships a lot with these girl and don't really care who is friend-zoning who if that is going among us two. Four girls is already a hand full to have a nice connection with and to communicate openly with.

One of these girls has a severe mental condition, another has anxiety issues, the most stable one of them is in a long and ongoing partnership/relationship with a guy and is cool about expressing how much she's into me using strong words like love and kissing emojis in texts (the one that broke my heart), and the best choice at the moment has never been in a relationship and it's possible we're from opposite backgrounds so that would be hard to overcome.

I think I want to increase my candidate list! Being friends is so satisfying with them and going for more like a sexual marriage would be so fun too! I really want to work at developing my ideal body more and increase amount of free time with better income from doing something I'm interested in. I know I've already found it. It's just that with this busy schedule and having some lack of discipline, I'm just hanging on at the moment and working at getting there still.  

Creating Opportunities

For this post, I'm talking about how I could approach the stupid people who refused to let something go with me at Hope of God Church in Los Angeles. First off, I don't really care anymore what they said or felt about me. Their opinion sucks in addition to being one and it doesn't relate to how I live my life anyway. I just want to showboat around them and make fun of them basically, so this brings up how I convey that to them without looking like a fool who deserves anything negative that's coming to him.

It's being full on honest with them, soliciting what I want with them, and threatening negative consequences upon them for being negative with me and even go far as already initiating it. It's about coming on really strong and creating breathing room and space to be able to tell them that I think they are stupid and them having no response to it with me.

One of these days I will and they have it coming to them because they deserve it and I don't care how bad they are going to look with it. They are just going to have to deal with it and come to an admiration to my true intent of getting along with them while having fun blowing off my anger with them by laughing so hard at them. It's just something extra to add to their already miserable lives.

It's really not that big of a deal that I still haven't shown up to their door steps! They suck. 

Putting in Hard Work for Fun

I really like this idea of doing hobbies and putting in my passion and effort and just produce something fun. It's like trying to give back and connect with people who are able to with me. A lot of the hard stuff to overcome has been about developing confidence.

Okay, the people I deliberately tried to work things out nicely with but turned crazy on are actually silly and not able to let go of something to this day. It was never really that serious to begin with, and it feels like that incident I had with them could be a small part of their Achilles' heel. I really have no problem with that anymore. It looks like all this unreasonable self-denial stuff and letting myself get mad over stuff was pretty much personal conflict from having had a bad case of bipolar disease and mental breakdown.

Despite in the mood for talking to show people up like Lee and the dumb pastor Chai at the Hope of God Church in Los Angeles, I do find myself angry quite often still to do this day and in the mood for planning what to say to them so I could just make fun of them and laugh at their face while they get more mad and then just freeze them up by using intellectual principles that make them feel depressed and like they lost and others around them in the mood for looking down upon them or laughing with me.

It really all comes down to self-confidence with proper preparation and just willing yourself to get to something. No shame if you tried your best and didn't get what you were looking for. It's something you can just keep working at and even though the door stays closed, it's not like that one person or group you wanted to belong to was the best option for you anyways. From my experience, the best option has always been to turn to Christ the Lord from paying attention to Scriptures. There's joy and peace through the suffering and the renewal of self from knowing that God has forgiven my sins and given me another chance and it's this grace that feels like I can have unlimited attempts to finally get to the right direction. God's love for everyone is so great like that and can apply to them anytime they want it.

That Feeling

It's sometimes that I get this feeling of being let down and not having anybody to do stuff with and then I feel a little bit sad. It's like my sexual energy has been zapped. I was a moron for wanting to outdo a porn star from having a date with Jill. Well, I can see how I'm so wrong about all of that. This is a cycle I'm going to have to deal with by relying on the spiritual process with Jesus. What I'm finding is that reading the Bible really does cause this change with my heart.

Other than that, repeating the same thing over again that I want to get away from is just starting to get old. I'm going to be repeating the downer stuff over again and then that gets old too. Okay I just want to type blah blah blah all day and make money with this blog. Wouldn't that be awesome for me? That's not how this world works though.

One thing that I relate my last few sentences is that an irritating guy I know talks about how great he is and has tried to get jobs while being willing to work hard. The problem though is that with the effort he puts in, it's not enough to do the required work. He's just a package handler and that's all he is really good for. The fact that he gets overtime and makes more money from it is a bonus to him. He just doesn't see that it's not going to make him rich any time soon. I guess he thinks he's making a lot of money and happy in his own world, so I shouldn't really disrupt it by dissing him!

What I wanted to state as my main idea is that when he does other jobs like the one he requested from me, I can only visually see him as doing random things like how an intelligent baby takes random blocks and tries to fit it into the right shape. He's pretty much not helping and really slow to learn so I guess if he was to work for me, I'd have to put him through a series of challenges to test him and if he was really serious enough, then he would complete them. If not, then he just wants to be lazy with me or is already giving up thinking that I won't give it to him. If he can't put it all together then he's just an angry guy who doesn't deserve to be working with me. I can just put him on ignore or keep repeating at giving him the basic task that he thinks is like the hardest thing in the world to do. Overall, ignoring the right things plays a big factor in dealing with this kid.

    

Understanding Women from Sexual View

I was curious a few days ago about what Google would turn up and I landed upon this article that makes sense, "237 Reasons Why Women Have Sex".  It's came from a book by a female clinical psychologist who interviewed 1006 women and collaborated with an evolutionary psychologist to come up with some interesting correlations.

Their findings have shown that women do it for pleasure, obviously! No just joking, it's not only that and it does include a little bit from just loving their partner while not in the mood. Based on the article, it's separated into three general things: resources, genes, and attraction.

With the attraction part, the woman can be sometimes crazy and not know why she's sexually attracted to a dumb and selfish guy. I guess it so happens that a few girls admitted to being sexually attracted to me. It's something that gradually built itself up over a short period of time and me just being a man on a mission and hiding my negative emotions at the same time. They were shorter than me and had or was with a good figure and Asian. Lee the girl who ended up being stupid and crazy with me while putting a restraining order on me so she could try to kick me out of her church while labeling me as a bad guy showed those signs of being attracted to me too, but she was taller and I got frightened into thinking she was a man when she forgot to pluck her hairs one day in the moustache area. I don't care if this offends Lee and who cares if she's reading this. She sucks!

This also ties into my belief now that being a short man like I am does not necessarily disqualify you from contributing to the gene pool. There are beautiful and hot women out there who will get physically attracted to a short man- to call that crazy or not is at one's own discretion. You have to look at the right place.

What I think works a lot is to have a balancing act going- meaning great job, great body, and great personality. It won't matter if you stand at 3 feet tall with all of that sticking out. I'm 5' 3" and I scared so many dumb farts who were around my age, so I can confidently say that I made my mark with them.

Girls are going to go "You are like my brother." "No, get away from me stalker!" "I'm too busy." "I'm not looking. Just be friends." Whatever reason and it's just a part of life. You just have to keep on fishing for the right girl. She might come eventually by persevering.

Work Out Schedule

Thanks to a cute girl I hit it really well off with, I'm now a member of the UFC Gym. They are known for personal training, but I have always been interested in martial arts. I started off with getting a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and most acquaintances think that is pretty cool. I wasn't satisfied with it and not picking up anything from practically being unable to stick with it after. It meant a lot to me to make the effort because I just got lazy and kept on going to only get a black belt. I went through all the motions while trying to find shortcuts and it was stupid and watered down for me.

Then, I joined another less known Korean ancient martial art and this one uses weapons which is pretty cool. You have the sword and the nun chucks, which I started out with. I still feel like imitating Bruce Lee with it because I picked up something from practicing a little, and I can show off like that. I can even walk in close and perform the same routine; everybody I've done it to complained about me being too close and didn't want to get hit. My instructor kept on yelling at me for basically sucking and doing the wrong steps. I'm glad he did now and pointed that out. He even threatened to lower my belt so many times.

I didn't have any more time and moved on from that after few months of practicing. Now I'm practicing at this gym and tiring myself out with cardio and trying to practice with doing different techniques. It's really fun and I want to bulk myself up and have my body stay in great shape. The coaches are pretty cool, and I'm there to learn and get a great workout. It's generally just about staying in shape and not about learning how to beat someone up, but practicing some basics doesn't hurt. I want to eventually take Krav Magav too and have fun with that one.

The only thing that I have my complains about UFC gym with is that they don't have any swimming pools. I have another local gym membership which also has an indoor basketball court too. It's pretty popular and I haven't really made any friends there. I've seen a few good looking ladies, but they just mind their own business too.

Stuff I Need To Accept

Until the day I find her, I'm going to stay a virgin!! Yeah that's right, a virgin! I'm still one and not very happy to be one. I want to get married to the sweetest and hottest girl in the world and just make love and enjoy that intimacy all day which is a pipe dream and never happening. Maybe like once or twice a week would be so fun, but yeah, it would be hard to do that considering how having sex with the same person might get old after awhile. It would get old chasing after millions of girls too and having one every night. So having sex wouldn't really be the answer to living my life. I need something that's everlasting. Everything else in this world is pretty much depressing after awhile. Well, there's one that I really seem to love and still just naturally go after, it's self-improvement. Another is interacting with people and being satisfied how I approached them especially with negative confrontations I had.

Some girls are basically staying hot but they haven't been invested in me, so I shouldn't from that go after trying to increase my sexual stamina. Basically, some girls on the web that you can search for have incredibly attractive bodies that I like and feel so turned on by but the girls aren't my singular wife to have sex with and it's likely not to happen anyway so I'm not in the position to know what I'm doing is going to be productive. I can always make this adventuresome desire whenever to put up great sexual performance when the opportunity arises out of being loved by a great woman after I'm married to her.

Using my head here, me trying to learn something off of porn is pretty much a waste of time. It's useless at this point of time because those performers are trying to entertain that crowd whose into it to make a living. I'm not really that much into it but only been wanting to last sexually going for a long period. It's pretty hard sometimes and other times, it's a cake walk.

Overall, it's all about looking out for proper setups. If one is going to try to jump the gun here and do something prematurely then he is going to experience a loss at one point and have to learn from it. I've been repeating the same mistake over and over without realizing and wanting to be better. It's frustrating and enraging but builds character somewhat at least.

Drawing conclusions, girls are going to stay hot with me and some are going to be way hotter because I just like how they look and want to experience intimacy with them in person. Having a hard time with making connections with her or finding areas that I'm in disagreement with her, I shouldn't from that still be motivated to have sex with someone like her. It's just too crazy!  There's just no point really to continue pushing more forward in any related thought after I see a very hot girl in person or media that I'm sexually attracted to and haven't made any personal connection by just the way things are.

There's not enough information for me to know if increasing my sexually pleasing ability is going to do me some good. I'm not in position to know that yet. I'm going to have to throw it out with my current setup when I'm reminded of how much I want to be this type of lover. So when a hot girl shows her stuff in a movie or I get dragged like a loser to some sex party because I'm not engaging anybody there, I'm just going to have throw out my feelings of wanting to get it on because with my position, I have nobody. I'm going to have to entrust Jesus while that moment of time is uncomfortable. The great thing about it though is that those emotional moments pass by and I'm glad to be in the Lord. Whether I continually find myself in that position to seek to improve my sexual abilities before losing my virginity in like one second, I'm going to have to throw it out and continue on with my other plans. It sucks and a pain but it's the way God has intended for me. It's not so bad after all because it does die down for me internally but it's so fun to stay engaged in other stuff that I enjoy. I need to make it happen now!

Making Best Use of My Time and Money

I honestly see myself as being able to have sex for long periods of time. Will my future spouse be up for it? I don't know. I don't really care how much the world looks down upon me because in this instance, I'm choosing to honor God's Word. I'm not going to physically have sex outside of marriage with anybody, unless I get raped obviously. Well, that would suck but I don't really count on that happening for me. I seem to be pretty intelligent and moral enough of a guy to respect situations that feel too out of hand and driving me crazy and making me so mad to still not land myself in jail, so getting raped by an inmate might not happen for me. I might instead get killed by one of them if I were to be in one of those penitentiaries. I'm just trying to think realistic about this.

Having confidence with my abilities while I'm going insane, this brings up another situation where I didn't get pulled over by another cop this morning. I think I can see that cop being obligated to protect me if someone from Hope of God church in Los Angeles decided to act like a nutty assassin with me and tried to do a beating arrangement. Well, they would probably be afraid of how I would get even so maybe they would just laugh about how they got rid of me and move on with it. If I were to come back, they will just deal in like manner of trying to get rid of me. It's just human nature. I also have this oath that I told God I will go visit them someday. I don't know when that is, but I'm still trying after all these last few years to become a millionaire with six-pack abs.

My dumb friend says it's too hard to get there and is pretty much at his wit's end while feeling depressed and having a different and selfish view about life than most people. I guess since he doesn't have money, he really can't join my other friends that often. Well, I can only hope that he'll end up doing well but he's going to crash and burn!  

Stopping With Being Stupid

Well it goes like this. I think someone is wrong, but he or she doesn't want to believe that way and they end behaving in a manner that makes me mad. I keep bothering them about it and they say to stop it, but I don't. This is where problems occurred for me.

I can't really change anyone to believe that I'm correct. I could do the best I can with giving my input, but if the person doesn't want to accept it then it's really on him or her. I think it's more like I'll do my best to tell the truth and be like I told you so type of situation and just be chill about it later on while having a decent laugh.

It was very stupid and some were incredibly that way with me and couldn't let it go. On top of doing what I wanted which was just schooling them, I guess I feel better from it. I think the appropriate response with being loving is to just direct them to God the best I can and just be fully honest with them in what I'm seeing or thinking. I guess I'm working at getting better with handling people who are being jerks with me and outsmarting them enough that they can't do much damage. I don't think it was wrong for me to get mad at them, but understanding how to go about it took forever and I made so many bad moves along the way.

Overall, I really shouldn't still get mad about this because they really couldn't do much to me anyways. I'm lucky in that area, so I can see them being as not big of a deal and to go about accomplishing with whatever agenda I had set upon my mind with them. I still have that personal oath to God to become a millionaire with a six pack before entering the footsteps of Hope of God Church, Los Angeles. Honestly, I hope that church doesn't exist anymore when I do accomplish my goal so I could just ride off on my motorcycle to show off with myself and be like, "Yeah, it feels good to have got here."

I think I'm just going to visit and be like in the mood for laughing at the people who were affected by me and then just take off because I don't really think they are teaching the Bible correctly. Also, what I was longing for in finding friendships can be found at just about any other place that God is willing to open the door for me. It's not cool that I lost some idiots to be friends with, but there's nothing I can do about it. I just need to let this go and not think too much about it. I outsmarted all of those who were bad with me and lucky they just happened to not be that smart in the first place and really afraid of me.

Stuff I'm Pursuing

I finally saw a cop while driving to work this morning and he just drove past me. He didn't even slow down or do a stare down contest with me, which would have been funny. I know they can't stop me and question me from writing bad stuff about people at that church who thought I was being a psycho. Mainly because I'm putting in my effort to be honest and while being self-deprecating from enjoying finding ways to laugh about my mistakes, it really can't be beat by them. I can just point out and make fun of their insecurities and from having done that, they have really dropped out of being any aggressive factor with me when it comes to retaining true happiness with my important relationships and earning a living.

It's not really a big deal then with what they did because I was able to outsmart them with their own game which is already very annoying and laid out without any specific rules. They would just react by whining and then calling me crazy because I bothered them so much over stuff that never really pertained to them. I kept going at them because I care about sorting these kinds of things out, and in the end, I just went after being a crazy guy that called them names and threatened to do weird stuff to them all in the motive of making them look bad and something for everybody else to laugh about.

Rewards of Dedication

Being consistent becomes a part of nature and when one invests in doing to himself something positive frequently, it adds up to being liked by other people and makes handling stupid situations a lot easier too. Getting mad at people and directing negative comments is bound to happen for just about anybody. Nobody is perfect! Realizing and then accepting it as a fault and becoming willing to change are all steps that I believe are hard to perceive by nature.

My dumb buddy just wants to find ways to personally affirm his feeling that he's the top over everybody and won't drop that silly pursuit, even though I don't know what he's really thinking about. He sees personal body language as a personal code or something and then using his childish brain and being brought up from a perceived, depressing world; he starts going off with questionable judgements that he believes are infallible. I proved him wrong a few times and he doesn't still care about it, so that's why he's dumb in my opinion. Well, he'll keep on adding something new that he can't drop so it's a lot of effort to convince him otherwise.

I can't make a prediction that my dumb friend will be successful, and he really wants to do it by getting lucky at this point with odds slightly stacked against him. He will call it skill though as long as he can while riding the waves of luck. In a way, it really is a blessing so yeah, I guess he can call everybody who he believes are more happier than him and better off lucky and that it's not his place to really focus on them. He will just think about stuff that's bothering him and complain about it practically while looking for fast solutions and disregarding himself in areas where he could be irrational. Maybe that's his way of coping with his problems, but I told him that I was going to start ignoring him. It seems like he isn't really bothered by me explaining that to him.

Overall, my opinion of my buddy is that he lacks tenacity to develop himself and make it in this world. He's focused on things with his individual nature and cares about being the best with a few smaller details but when it comes to continuously adding all of it up, he can't do it. He's pretty much a letdown to his own world that he mapped out. I believe I just tried helping him all this time to be numb to it. I don't know what my future is going to hold with him now, but we haven't had any falling out as friends.    

Figuring Things Out

I think currently my life is just about getting one thing straight, and it's about working hard while controlling my personal urges to spend my time doing lesser things. I personally want to find satisfaction with my life and am so blessed to have some lovely close friends I get to see on a regular basis.

It looks like I never really got that close with too many people in my life, and the feeling may be mutual in that they might not see something great like I do and me with them. It's like sharing this strong form of connection isn't going to be happening. From living, we all have our things to deal with and I guess there can only be a few hardworking hopefuls out there who make it and find favor with generally a large crowd. Still, no matter how large the approval is, it's never going to be everyone. Everybody don't really live in a community and there are a few who prefer to be left alone in their cabin and part of nature. 

Overall, I think I've been just seeking for something in the wrong places and need to stay refocused daily and just keep at it while letting loose of my fun desires more like watching anime and reading up on people's funny comments that they leave about something that is worth noting for them with everyone. It's about what I do during my personal time right and I did make some crazy decisions that were stupid. Oh well, I can't have the past back so all I can do is just ask the Lord to forgive me and move on and watch out for that next time. There's nothing I can do about it and just have to bounce back now.  

Really Positive Outlook

Using some of the programming skills I got and with the demand to pick up on some more by googling it or looking at other sources, I think I can establish an efficient one-man operating business. I would have no boss and work for myself and on top of that, I wouldn't have to worry about employees being dumb with me as well. It would be almost automated and everything would be held under wraps and the fees I would charge for trading will be high because I don't want a lot of people involved with me.

For programming small apps, I don't mind doing like a trial version and then if the app sucks, I could just do a rewrite and launch an upgraded, full version out of personal obligation to do better and make it free for the old customers. I have a lot of high hopes and expectations now, along with decent willpower to be a self-starter.

I'm blessed to have found the direction that works best for me in monetizing my business interests. What I also want to focus on are personal things as well. For starters, I could finally land a serious relationship and court a beautiful and great gal. At this age I'm in, I'm starting to really dial in with discipline and to think a lot better with concentrated effort. It must deal a lot with my obsession to have self-improvement and keep myself in check. One of the biggest things that I've had so much growth in and is turning out to be so useful is having confidence to deal with my problems.

To have fun, I got great friends to hang out with and they provide me enough satisfaction from the company they provide. I believe they will be of great assistance to me and they are a blessing upon my life. Okay, I have like two girls who I communicate regularly with and they are attractive while being brilliantly capable of stuff. We're all really good friends and that just fills in some loneliness for me. It also has helped me to calm down my anger issues a lot too.

To go for dating, I'm just going to keep myself an open book and not stress it so much. I'm just going to go after my goals to keep myself occupied and eventually, get around to meeting many more girls. I'm not interested in just picking up girls though.

Let's see, I have career advancement, physical improvement and health, friendships, productive hobbies, and love in my life. I don't think I'll be able to study the Bible for two hours everyday now. I think I'll be able to tolerate about 30 minutes before my mind starts to shut down. It's better than nothing. I'm going to be adjusting my personal schedule then and go after it.  

   

Done and Over With

Well, all of this edging to porn and trying to keep myself from blowing the load has finally found a satisfying conclusion. I'm ready to repent of this activity and ask for forgiveness to Jesus with my lack of personal control. I'm lucky enough to have enough control to not even try to go after a sexual relationship with anyone. I've been under temptations while around lady friends and them just being very physically attractive to me at that moment of time and I just don't try to solicit for it. It's not that I'm scared, I just don't have the preference for doing something like that. I want to be a gentleman to my cool and beautiful lady friends!

I was looking at myself and comparing to the porn stars' junk even looking through a device and making sure I don't record or save anything. I have something similar and it's holding up comparably with how they are so I know I'll be fine! Sex still has that mystery to me and I would love to engage in it consistently someday with a loving spouse, but until then I'm going to put a little extra effort to just let these sexual feelings and hormones just ride through the ups and downs of my personal life.

Life just isn't all about having sex. Spending a lot of time with someone beautiful and even marrying her in the end isn't just about sex. Having that special feeling with this cool girl I've been hanging out with occasionally, is such a nice feeling and it's inspiring in a way for me to want the best for her and spending time with her has been a lot of fun even though the stuff we did together was probably not the most exciting but regular things.

Physical Ailments

For the longest time, I thought being short as 5' 3" male was like a curse that I was forced to live with. I was so miserable and couldn't get out of it. My mom naturally ended up looking down on other shorter males without even thinking about me. I voiced my concerns about being short and mommy just didn't care at all. She kept on looking down on other short people and then when she looked at me, she was like "How come you don't have a girlfriend? You can get one, you know." I was like "Huh, I'm too short." My mom would look down on a short friend and very short cousin and then be like, "What type of lady would want to be with him?" My mom would like straight at me in the face and be like, "So what?" whenever I complained about how short I was at 5' 3". My mom still believes that I can get married and has been worried about it for the longest time. She now accepts me being all weird to her perspective that I can't find a girlfriend and has left me alone.

On top of all this feeling short, lady friends and male jerks have questioned my lifestyle choice of not getting a girlfriend. They don't seem to care about my height. I don't think it's too much of a concern for me now thanks to their influence.

This all leads down to one thing that I ignored up until now. Ten years ago, I went on a date with a super short girl and she had large natural breasts and was interested in me sexually. I was like okay and she e-mailed me, "Thanks for the date." I totally ignored it back then and repressed it out of my head. I was like, we were just hanging out and she's not Korean so whatever. Now that I think about it, I'm like, yeah I went on a date with a girl who would probably be interested in a really tall guy. How she came onto me is pretty cool for back then.

Intelligent Self-Control

Well, this is definitely a fun post for me. I guess dealing with my own sexual hormones all of a sudden and it going on and off, my brain really wants to shut itself off and then my selfish conscience wants to engage in some auto-eroticism and prolonged arousal which then begets personal regret because I have no hot spouse to look forward to getting it on with.

It's the truth and I'm starting to realize it's just a hormone that supposedly comes from below or something a little off-center in my body and then wants to disperse all over to my other sensitive physical regions. It also can enter into my emotional side and just make me feel good momentarily and then by rash decision, I get curious and engage in playing with myself. Okay, this is totally T.M.I. to describe here, but for the sake of being honest even if it's embarrassing to me at this point in time and even if I go back to read and start laughing at myself in the near future from having got passed through this.

I'm going after a very difficult decision to not act out in a sexual manner by instinct. I want to show some self-restraint and not regret getting myself into unbeneficial situations. There's something that just doesn't feel wholesome by centering myself around sexual attraction and pursuing it. It's missing something really pure for me and I think it's a marriage with a sexy love of my life.

Managing Uncomfortable E-mails

Looking at some of my past e-mails, I was once a president of a club and man, now that I think of it, it was so cheesy. It's hilarious with the stuff I got myself into and being so sensitive, now I'm just deleting stuff that I've hung onto for almost the past twenty years. Wow, it's such a long time and I still consider myself to be pretty young. How time flies.

I just want to curse some e-mails with a F-you bomb and just hit the delete button. I'm now laughing about my e-mail fights though that I had with people. I consider myself as a winner and the other person well pretty much hates me, but I know I can influence him to say and behave with me however I want now. Based on how the bad people from my past are acting, yeah it's a pretty embarrassing aspect for them and it's a good sign with the direction I'm headed.

It's pretty much a history record for me and some slapstick comedy where they just acted up with me from having gone crazy and being so scared and helpless about it with me while at the same time, whining in an annoying manner that agitated me. I can laugh about it and be honest, so I guess I came fully to terms with it and they probably just want to ignore what they did and from the way I'm acting, I got potential to school them so hard and consistently about this to the point that they will just smile and be in submission with it. I think I can influence and lead now in the direction I want to take and not be scared because I know I can act in a manner that I will just think about and laugh later on to feel good with myself.

Coming To Terms With Hard Stuff

I think my life is practically about dealing with things that are a pain and working hard to get around it. It's rewarding to like be paid while having a job and to work out with difficult exercises like swimming long distances and trying to master the perfect shot in basketball. One of my cool lady friends ended up buying me lunch because she was so excited about getting her paycheck and to pay me back for buying her a Christmas present. She was very enthusiastic about it and yeah, this is the girl I have that special feeling for underneath. She's also single too and never been in a relationship. She isn't chubby and likes to work out with a fast metabolism so she has a cute face while being so girly and is also my age.

Yeah it adds up and we look like a cute couple and even her older sister thought that way about us. It seems like the stars could be aligning since she is also a possible Christian from attending church. She looks like she's getting more gentle in her personality which is pretty evident with God fearing believers.

Basically how is this stuff hard to deal with? It's not really at all and that's my joke because I went off thinking about something cool with myself. I'm basically talking about masturbating to porn because I have this desire to sexually perform for a long time without having to take a break by letting go of some fluids. Man, it's stupid and I should cut it off and even though I try to look at the most attractive porn stars, that's probably what is also desensitizing me with women's attractive appearances in general. I'm playing with fire here and it's no good. It feels dirty and even though I won't budge to make my own sex video nor even fornicate, I should just accept that I'll be good when I need to be in that moment of time.

In other words, there's no guarantee I'll marry a sexually hungry and hot woman who only wants it with her husband. I guess I can put in the hard work to please her if I'm fortunate enough then and should just ignore these feelings of doubt. I've been proving myself wrong each time I commit to edging to porn and it raises my confidence in sexual performance no doubt, but it feels dirty to me in some ways. That's probably the main reason- it's the feeling of not having that purity and lack of a sexy connection with the spouse which I'm longing for.

It's basically a pain then to want to make love to the hottest and sweetest girl I can marry because I don't have that going yet! It was even a pain to deal with these dummies at Hope of God church in Los Angeles too because they made me so mad and they couldn't help me figure out what was making me feel so mad at them! They were like to me, "Just go and stay out!" I was like, "Oh yeah? I'll go psycho and you suck. Haha, I win and will keep on winning as a troll." That's how it was and they basically turned dumb with me, and I think it's because they don't want me to stay mad and from making fun of them so much, they lost some confidence to be of any help to me.

Well, it's good that I'm coming to terms with all of this honestly and that I want to be of self-improvement to myself while worshipping the Lord still after all this excess baloney that Lee and the dumb jerk and inferior pastor Chai tried to add on with their own spin and lack of knowledge with the Bible. Oh well, they sucked and were a bunch of buttheads and now I can laugh at them from being that way because I know it wasn't their intention and they are going to feel a little shaken up over it.

Also with my buddy, I guess along with him being dumb, he's also technically a butthead as well whenever he makes me feel annoyed or mad because he said something to laugh at me about while trying to come across as a hotshot. I think I can ignore all of that now and be like yeah, what a lonely jerk and moron and just laugh about the silly comment he made and not text him back with my long commentary about how he's being stupid!



 

Proper Discipline

How I'm viewing my time now is that it's about doing the most valuable things to me. I have realized that building myself into a poker pro isn't going to work out and I thought I had something going on. It 's just too risky for me and the pay out isn't enough for my preferences. I'm going after doing something even more risky as paradoxical as it sounds. However, this risky attempt at investment is potentially a lot more rewarding for my preferences so I guess I don't mind the gamble then that is going into it. 

I just cashed out the $476.00 from my online poker account. I ended up winning a nice $200 pot to create my current total. I just feel that it's too risky for me because the way I'm playing is that I'm buying in for the tables at a much higher cost than the expected profit. How I played is that once I made at least a dollar profit in like five minutes, I was out of the table. Sometimes, I would play for an hour to recover my loss and gain some player points and then right after doing better than breaking even, I would leave. I don't really feel comfortable playing with this sort of style because I hate the unpredictable time that goes into it. At least with trading, I could just set it at a certain price level to exit the market and just monitor it every once in awhile. Poker just has way too much gamble for me compared to how the market runs, so I can see that trading would be a much better investment for me.

Also, I'm very lucky to have a nice job as a programmer. I'm making the most money than I ever did at that position. I would like to work less and collect more money and then with the time, spend some time finding a hot girlfriend or something like doing other cool stuff that I want to do while living in a comfortable home. I can't see personally with playing poker as giving me that leverage because of the strong competition that is out there with experienced and lucky players! 

Basically, I'm starting to dial in what my weird feelings are all about. It's about doing stuff while I think it's a pain at that moment. If I don't do it, then I'm failing myself from being lazy about it and racking up some guilt later on. I just have to will myself to do it even though it's a pain during that moment in time. I think it's one of those things where I might not like getting started with something but if I engage myself into it then later on, I may find myself to be happy with having done it. That's basically what my personal feelings are tied to and that's all it is- dealing with things that are a pain.

So overall, the field of economics teaches that time is money. It's about giving yourself the greatest satisfaction while trading with your most valuable commodities, such as personal commitment. Analyzing the things that I'm putting my money into like facial, hair loss prevention, and health enhancement products, I guess it's not that bad after all. I would like to double my salary if possible and work twice as less while enjoying financial stability with an advantageous and comfortable home. This is where mastering my chosen fields of programming and trading will come into play. It's a pain to try to work hard and master it, but that's where proper discipline comes into play and it's about not regretting things in the end so it's worth the uncomfortable journey. 

Also, I think looking at it, this might be something the Lord is allowing upon my life. I really believe that I have more of a calling to listen to pastors and men of God and to lead others to them more than becoming a knowledgeable pastor. I mean I could serve as a mentor outside of church for new believers, but I'm not meant for full time ministry. I'm more meant to enjoy studying God's Word through assistance from these great men of God and to be a cheerful giver for spreading the gospel.  

Committing With Self-confidence

I guess working 24-7 is going to become a really stressful task in the end and just leave you feeling like you want to escape to a very fun world every once in awhile. The only reward would be making money or leading yourself into some blind path of feeling absolute greatness.

It's really annoying to be frustrated when something isn't happening well for you. People act all crazy with you and want to verbally attack you at times if you are making them feel that way even if you don't have those intentions. Yeah , they really can go off and I think they are just feeling crazy at the moment and can't handle it while trying to ignore all of it like the sinful people that they want to be at the moment and just deny all of it at the same time. It's human nature in other words and I'm talking about the dumb and foolish people I have been dealing with. I'm not really mentioning names and hey it doesn't matter that a lot of those people came from that dumb church, Hope of God in Los Angeles!

This is starting to become really fun and such a pleasurable activity to write about anything on my keyboard. It feels like some natural evil thing wants to possess me and keep me from writing all of this sick stuff to keep myself laughing and feeling happy! Yeah it's crazy to share personal stuff on a blog and to even be honest, it's really crossing boundaries of what scares me.

The dumb people have become what they are dumb with me! In other words, they choose to be dumb by not reacting to me. It's pretty cool to know that they acted stupid with me and how I'm confident to live my life and tempt them to feel stupid about themselves. I guess it can happen in general. I'm feeling really good about how I'm living and my choices are really going to affect situations.

I'm ready to let those past situations go and even though they'll drive me to think about really crazy things to do sometimes, I don't have regrets if I choose to go that path. It's really difficult honestly for me to try to sit there and read the Bible and a basic commentary of it that does an amazing job everyday. I'm still interested in studying God's Word though and would love something of a nature that just connects with the Father in heaven and gives me the wisdom I need to be truly happy in life while being comfortable! Maybe that word- comfortable is something I will wrestle with the Lord a lot in a daily fashion.

To be a witness and live for Jesus even in times of my peril, I can see that being a major benefit for me and hope it influences others who don't know Jesus for a relationship to give him a chance and accept him through a truly heartfelt prayer.

Making Better Use of My Time

One of the difficult things I'm finding is that I take awhile with making choices and that could really be time consuming. Also, I have so much things that I would like to eventually accomplish but don't get there because I feel so overwhelmed.

I'm fortunate to have a job and a pretty nice life style for being a single guy. I'm ready to start finding a lovely lady to partner up with and marry. There's one girl I have that special feeling for at that moment. It's pretty cool that we're friends and hang out just among ourselves. I'm still getting to know her, so I guess in a way it could be a date even though we're just hanging out for some food or shopping. I have some unanswered questions so that's what's holding me up for making my decision of going after her or not. Also, she hasn't really found anyone and she's talked about her physical negatives with me as well. I'm still hanging on at this point, so maybe there could be something in the future. I'm just not sure.

One of my good friends actually recommended her to me. I was skeptical at first but now it's an idea that I'm entertaining. I guess if I just keep on considering then maybe she'll find someone who really likes her and eventually settle down. If that happens then I'm not going to be mad about it. I'll just to have to continue and go on living.

This brings me a good issue then that I should go out and meet more people and see if I can make any more strong connections with the beautiful ladies out there and start hanging with them to see if there's anything romantic between us two. It would be pretty sick to finally land a girlfriend. I haven't been serious with anyone. There was one chubby girl who wanted to be in a relationship with me and a hot one who got sick a lot that I wasn't interested in too much to commit to but she wanted one with me. I was like what? I told that hot girl I like someone else.

Okay, maybe finding a healthy hot girl who legitimately connects well with me and we're such a cute looking couple. I don't really care about how appealing her body is to me anymore. There was porn for that and it failed me to the point that I don't think the hot body is going to permanently please me. Okay, if she's my loving wife then that's different because I'm probably going to become addicted to her sexual attention.

Benefits and Costs Analysis

Today, I feel like analyzing my behaviors with the greatest satisfaction that it would bring. With my current beliefs, I concur with the Christian view that this world can't fully satisfy anyone. The day I get to have the chance to be in heaven after the day I die is something I look forward to honestly. However, I'm glad to still feel young and that I can have a lot of fun while at it!

For the longest time, I've been thinking of how sex might be greatest thing for me and probably for a bunch of guys too. It would be meaningless sex if I wasn't in love with the beautiful woman. I mean all of that flesh and fulfilling some addiction to feel pleasure with a gorgeous body would be awesome if she was actually my loving wife! I wouldn't be able to get enough of it then. So yeah, meaningful and romantic love is something I would love to experience someday and if I'm not capable of getting there for whatever reason with how the chips fell for me, then I'm not going to fret about it. 

Basically, I want to start making better use of my time while I'm feeling so weird or tired. It's hard and I keep on failing because I'm weak but I'm so glad at the same time to believe in a loving God through His Son Jesus and that I'm forgiven each time I truthfully confess and go after wanting to repent and be cleansed of my wrong doing. I'm fortunate that my evil deeds haven't caught up with the law or anything. It seems like my major sins really come from lacking self-control. I could do a whole lot better and not go after viewing porn from wanting sexual excitement in my life and not having that. 

Yeah, I'm pretty normal then and want to be a pretty nice and confident dude. It seems to blend in well with people in general. No matter how silly I come across as and how inferior I feel which doesn't even matter. I just don't seem to care anymore and want to keep on improving.   

Commanding Self-confidence

Over the last decade, writing to people I have an issue with has become a major factor to building my confidence. I don't really recommend it for people though because when you are mad and writing about stuff while trying to be nice and contain it in, you are setting yourself up for giving the other person a mental breakdown! They will just go crazy and lose it and reply in an embarrassing manner while having lost it. I see this now because with the way I'm able to write with some swagger and relatable sense of humor to people who didn't know they were being a jerk to me, they ended up totally shutting off with me; and I still possess negative material on them over trivial issues.

It's really fun to go all out and be crazy all you want while letting out your true identity. Fortunately, I'm not really that bad of a dude right now in terms of people standard. With God's standards, I suck. The Bible teaches that our righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags and that the heart is deceitful and evil. So with me feeling this sense of innocence right now, I'm later on susceptible to masturbating to porn to kill my worries over being premature. More and more I'm putting it together. I even say swear words when I know no one can hear me, but it makes me feel bad each time because it feels like I'm giving the devil a reason to laugh at me.

Fortunately, my faith is really grounded in believing upon how Jesus forgives based on his true grace and love for me. That on its own allows me to invite the Holy Spirit into my heart and allow it to work in me. Through being renewed and asking for forgiveness, the Bible teaches in 1 John 1:9 that we get to have a fresh start again and from Book of Hebrews, be made holy thanks to faith in Jesus.  

Over all, with the past and knowing those individuals struggled in dealing with me and were selfish with anger issues and impatient about it, I have all the confidence I need to not worry about them and can rejoice that the issues weren't even serious. It's really not that good for them and will lower their standings among people holding them in respect for people skills. They might be just better off not getting involved and being a right hand man that just listens to the person who is letting out his or her problems.

Making Tradeoffs

My dumb buddy messaged me yesterday and asked if my dad gave me alcohol to celebrate the new year. I have chosen to not text him back from thinking that's a dumb question; it's actually pretty funny but I feel something is wrong with him from having asked that. I already told him that I wasn't going to respond back to him sometimes, so I don't feel bad and it's already a decision made for the new year. Maybe he was trying to test me to see where his status is at with me. I told him that I think he's a little too stupid for me to hang around with right now and that I hope he changes into a whole lot better person.

For this year, I'm trying to economize on becoming a financially successful person with some muscles and a great all around attractive body! I'm using facial cleaning products that women would normally use, but guess it doesn't hurt for me to try them and trying to grow back my thinning hair. I would have to say that all of this physical maintenance including workouts would take me at least three hours daily. 

For getting a check from poker website, they are ripping off players by charging $50 to have a check mailed to them. I've even read on reviews that they even want the player to contribute to the site a certain amount of bets before they proceed with the withdrawal. Fair enough, it's their terms and even if it sucks I agreed to it so it can't be a scam on that basis alone if they actually do end up sending the check. I'm sure they do because I haven't heard complaints about that. It's just from the player being frustrated that he can't get it right away and could even be struggling financially.

From the amount of time I have been putting into playing online poker, I now believe that my day job pays better and is more efficient than it would with playing poker for a long time. I've developed into a decent player and can rake in some nice pots out of skill and luck but the competition is fierce and sometimes hard to find enough less skilled players to make an acceptable living off of. 

Poker is definitely a game of managing odds and luck can't always be in your favor so the opponent can crush you with a slightly better hand. It's pretty much gambling on a daily basis and having confidence that you'll bank some profit against other experienced players. Overall it's fun and annoying players are out there. I hate them but nothing you can do about it and it's fun to beat them on certain hands and shut them up!

Poker is probably going to be a game that I play like at Las Vegas or casino if I happen to be there for vacation with family and friends. I don't intend on making it my living because it's too hard but it's fun to gamble in this game and it's exciting to risk a few hundred dollars at the table which I can make back anyway in a good day's work.

For all the time considerations, I can make more profit going after becoming a programmer and be immensely efficient at it while becoming a good trader. Also with my time, I have a goal which is to look good physically as well so I need that time to head to the gym and have fun working out.

I guess trying to be humble and making fun of people in a truthful way especially those who are making me mad, it's still fun and helpful even if they don't do anything in return for me after.  This is relating to how I would spend my time if I was in the mood for bugging people from my past and just troll them. I can see how it all feels good to be a completely honest person while writing about all this because it looks like I really care a whole lot about self-improvement and letting go of stuff that I can't control in the past and moving forward to try to prevent that from happening and doing something new while feeling like a very confident individual. I sort of feel like I'm going to see a cop today, but it isn't related and he isn't going to be able to stop me just from posting this so it really doesn't matter. It only can scare them and by what I mean is, it only can scare those duds at that lame church I've been mentioning all these years. 

Starting Off New Year Right

Pretty much, I'm in the mood for constantly making improvements for my own self. There's really not much to it, and it's just about putting in a lot of hard work I guess. I'm just going to keep it truthful with myself because it's been working for me and from having made some effort, I feel great. 

I'm 34 now and one of my online dating profiles is being chased after by single Christian moms who are a few years older than me. I'm not really physically attracted to them or anything, and maybe there were a few I felt some buzz with but I'm just not really moved by them messaging me. Out of trying to be nice and having some humor, I just hit the "I'm interested" button and stop right there. I'm not really interested in paying for that service, Zoosk. I think I tried for a few months and the girls who were mutually interested in talking to me couldn't talk to me because they weren't subscribed as well, so I'm doing the same to these single moms who are messaging me. So far I think I've had about 40 connections in a few years. Hey that's better than none and they all mention they are "Christians" on their profile. I don't really know and I'm not feeling any buzz or calling or whatever that moves you from the Holy Spirit, so yeah, it's been interesting.

I think the online scene may be too difficult for me because I personally know that I'm not prepared for it. I know that I'll be good for dating and getting to know any girl by just hanging out. Hey, there's one girl who I get to hang out with and feel something special with. It's a pretty neat feeling and then she talks about how some guys are really cute and I'm thinking on the inside hmm, should I be jealous? I'm like maybe not and then I just smile along and enjoy it.

When I look at myself, I don't feel at my optimal state so with the confidence that I have, I'm starting to zero in on thinking with how even the hottest girl might sometimes have a few ugly shots of herself. I think this is what happens to a dude when he keeps over-analyzing physical beauty while watching porn.

I ended up watching a horror movie with a group of friends and it had a few rape scenes with female nudity and man, I was not aroused. I'm like to myself, this is a whole lot different from watching porn by myself. One of the girls who says I'm like her brother just opens up to me and smiles in a sweet manner. Oh, I think she just naturally has that cute gesture that gets some guys interested in asking her out. It really looks like she's into me, but she keeps saying I'm like her big brother. 

Anyway, I don't seem to really care how hot she looks and I think I'm sort of digging her younger sister a little more. I just see some potential in her and I'm pretty much understanding the concerns these women have and what's making them tick or go crazy sometimes. That's probably why I don't really care that this pretty hot and close "girl" friend of mine wants to see me as a big brother- hey, that feels good to me actually.