Things To Keep Occupied With Coronavirus

Well, I would normally be writing this today but I'm already a few days ahead of schedule and willing myself to to put something on here, so this may not be my best work. Personally, I have figured out the woman's body I would love to be married to and enjoy a lot of sex with on a regular basis so that's me being very crude and open about it. Oh well, I don't have my face and name to represent this blog so might as well go all out! I'm not going to be saying cuss words even though I can still put out insulting stuff on here from just repeating the garbage which would still do the same trick of offending others! 

Yet, I'm just so amazed by how I'm still getting visits to this site! Okay, I'm really inspired to be peaceful even though I'm letting loose here and giving into the small evils remaining in my heart. A good lady shared with me a wonderful Christian daily devotional that she personally reads and I was really touched by this one. It was just unusual with how she was complaining to me and then just bounced back to her usual self. 

She was complaining how I wasn't building her up and sounding so salty about a lot of stuff and putting it on auto-repeat and that she was so tired of it! Okay putting that aside, I didn't officially masturbate to porn but I got off to a body that I would love to be married to. How does that sound putting it in my prayers while hoping to marry this chick with the body I want someday and who also comes with the quality personality? 

Well, maybe I can find someone better but I know I'm definitely straight and found material that appeases my extremely heterosexual fantasy, so now what's next? I want to find a woman in like manner and who has lovely morals and preferably a Christian and likes to do this kind of stuff while being married! Yeah, it would be fun while locking the doors and ignoring the kid's pleas or maybe buy a sound proof door. When it's opened then yeah, checking on the kids while having messy hair.

This might sound a little too graphic but whose kidding. If you're a parent of a son and you're Christian then you would want this child to line up something like that minus avoiding the bad stuff in life. If it's growing up and past puberty, while understanding and coming to terms with aggro-hormonal states then yeah it's how it is. What probably made me get more excited about porn was that my dad covered my eyes with those scenes, so if he hadn't done that then I wouldn't have learned all I can about reproducing but yeah, I can't really blame him for doing that and possibly, it was just born into me naturally but it flipped the switch into a stronger interest because he tried to avoid discussing it with me!  

Working Through My Weaknesses

It looks like I have trouble identifying my own weaknesses and what was cool is that I was able to get my nice lady friends to identify those areas for me when it comes to dating. I chose not to ask my asexual and best lady pal because I already know she sees me a whole lot differently. Since we get along so well and knowing her personality to dislike upsetting others, she might already have her guard down with me and could end up saying something that wouldn't be that helpful. 

I'm actually being a little more tactful with her like the good partner I would be if we were actually together. I decided to pay more attention to her body language and smile a lot more with our dialogues. It's really become quite dainty! It's still going to take some getting used to, but I'm really interested in paying more attention to everything about her. It's not in any obsessed way, but just because I actually like her and have realized that she is a very unique and special person in my life. Her natural appearance is homely and she is physically a little pale from not having worked out enough. She's getting back into working out again though to build some tolerance with handling stress.  

I ended up doing rather well with my best lady pal then and for who she is in general as a person. Just the fact that I was able to accept in a fun but humble manner with someone else telling me what my weaknesses are, I'm more readily aware while looking to put in a little more effort to deal with them. 

Having A Stable Mind

What's pretty awesome is how I'm not feeling too depressed about my messages being ignored now. Maybe it was read, but there's just no reply to go back with it. It's just how it is, and I'm not even worried about it now. It's because it can happen to anyone. I honestly blamed for the longest period with how it's my lack of appearance that was keeping me from enjoying a physically attractive relationship.

It's just that there might be some more factors that go into it now. I guess I don't have whatever it is to get the best thing out of it, so might as well just do the best I can and whenever I do. I'm just not trying to force anything now and about having fun while making sense with what I'm doing and trying to be appropriate as possible. Thanks to just asking trusted friends, I have better awareness of what my weaknesses and strengths are. 

Coronavirus Lockdown

Well, I consider my life to still be really lucky in that I can still go to work at my office. It's pretty insane with how the road has cleared up during rush hour after work. It even feels a little unfamiliar to me. I'm guessing that once the road gets filled back up with cars after this is sorted out, I'll probably wish it was empty again! 

My routine hasn't changed that much still except that I don't have a few things to do for keeping myself entertained like going to watch a movie. It also gets me thinking about how I miss going to the gym now, since I'm paying for a membership. 

From what the notice at work says about the coronavirus, as long as you don't feel really sick, nor coughing, nor having trouble breathing, you don't have signs of being infected. A recommended procedure if any of you guys haven't received the message from anyone by now is to have a sip of water often for just in case the virus gets into your mouth. It will get destroyed by the stomach acids. 

Now it makes sense with how the coronavirus can't really spread from digesting food. It isn't strong enough to survive the intestinal fluids, neither can it survive some bleach detergent! Don't just take my word for it. I would like to tell my readers to also do your own research. Some exciting topic is that leading experts are attempting to create a universal vaccine for all coronavirus strands. There has yet to be word on using any other safe medication to treat the deadly symptoms.   

In A Sense

In a sense, even though I consider a self-proclaimed asexual I feel oddly romantically attracted to sometimes being in a relationship with another woman to be a little comical, she is taken regardless of how I want to see it. It's time to move on because there's really nothing there with everything we are talking about. We just have a pretty tight-knit relationship, and I'm providing her some therapeutic treatment with her stress levels because I really care for her and see her as a great friend and feels like a sister. 

If she cares for me like that later with a weird turn-around which is always fun for me but I manage to find a girlfriend who fits right in and is making me happy to go on to marry, then it's honestly going to suck for her. I don't see this happening from analyzing many angles smoothly from the mental data collection I have on spending lots of personal time with her. 

I guess it's really positive to state that I don't really care if she never wants to be with me! It's time to move on while staying super good friends who hang out a lot together to spend the weekend and find someone else who would match more closely to fitting my fantasy. 

Still Loving Even With Personal Disagreement

It turns out that my asexual girl best friend is dating an experienced lesbian! I'm really not sure anymore if she considers herself to still be asexual, but I think I've had this discussion with her before and going to have to take her word for it. She admitted to being asexual a little awhile ago and somehow she's making the relationship work with this nice lady! 

Thinking about it now, I believe it's rude to bring up the talk again we already had and just let it progress into any development she wants to take it to. From believing in the Bible, even though it's hot in the flesh with two girls sleeping with each other, I have completely assimilated to it being sinful because God created Adam and Eve to do that with each other for utmost pleasure and it can just fit naturally! If she was still with that weird obsessive guy she once dated while feeling he was the closest match to her ever, I would have accepted it if they ended up getting married.

I guess that's the only thing bugging me about her relationship with another lady. I may disagree with it and it's her personal sin to make the decision on, but I'm still going to love her for who she is and stay friends. Yeah, I don't really mind her calling me a brother now. I just don't really care for that now and we see each other like family who hang together often. It's just really nice!  

Being The Bigger Person

It's pretty much got to this point where I'm capable of respecting others and not really needing to say anything bad about them behind their backs either. I guess I'm a really different kind of human being out there with how I think and function. Yet, one of my high qualities that was pointed out for me is how I'm capable of focusing a little too well on tasks that I want to accomplish. 

Yeah, one of the things I dislike about myself and can come across as absent-minded is that I catch myself being forgetful a lot of times. It pretty much sucks and I'd like to do something about it, but I just can't find myself committing to it right now. I have a lot of beautiful ideas but the thing though is that I need to walk the talk, so I have to be careful about what I say and actually do it. 

Working At It

Well, it's not easy but I'm understanding that I want to make a living as a successful risk manager while playing a game of taking little pieces of the pie from successful competitors. The way I see it is that a lot of players in the market are going to end up failing with possible severe negative consequences like failed marriage, money problems, and gambling addiction. To avoid those drastic outcomes, a lot of work needs to be put in with figuring out the game while also putting in the time to practice it daily! Finding one's own convenience is just going to take a lot more time, rather than trying to do enough to just get by. 

I can see how right now, since I wasn't born into any rich family and with being physically short, there's sometimes an emotional ailment for me but I've learned to let it linger without being so negative about it now. I just don't care so much about it, but now I see that I should try to make myself grow taller still just for fun and without opting for any surgery. It's just something that I want to work hard for even if it's going to be impossible and feel very difficult to keep up with. I think it's just going to be worth it on the long run for me though, even if it doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things. 

People have the right to believe whatever they want, but in the end everybody's looks are going to fail someone even though these people think that looks really do matter. I just stopped writing and took the time to text an old friend about this while making fun of his selfish ways. In the end, it really doesn't matter but the good thing is that I have learned so much about self-acceptance and have acquired it for the time well-being! If you don't have the luck then it's basically putting in a lot of hard work to stay happy while maintaining a strong mental health. It really is nice to be at personal peace and not have any problems staying nice to people even if they go off tangent to be really irritating or act stupid from having some anger management problems. 

Making Some Subtle Changes

I'm back to being in a small rut right after getting out of work. I feel blessed to have this job and really lucky to be able to do some developing. It's really about just putting in the time and that's about it. If you don't do it, then it means you're pretty much snoozing and you lose.

The fact that I just like it and want to still do more while making a lot of money is the pursuit that I'm attempting to go after. I guess it's about really focusing and having a good time pretty much when it comes down to winning. I mean you have to just put in all this effort to figure out what needs to be done to win and if it's not going to get you in trouble with external factors and it's still relatable to others then yes, it's the journey to take. 

After all, there's really no need to compare yourself to others since we're all different and unique. There are some people I don't like and not going to be shy about admitting it, but I can't say it's my place to be able to help those people. Yet, if I'm inspired by something about them or have something selfish I want to aspire to, then of course I'm going to include them. Now, it makes sense with my mental makeup and anger that just offloads itself with my wild imaginations. I'm lucky to be able to do this and have a better understanding even though I keep on trying to which makes it interesting and gets me feeling a bit more laid back.  

Waiting Around For Getting It

Honestly, I haven't been really in the mood for looking at porn lately. I have this fantasy in mind of what I'm seeking to fill the gap, so it looks like I'm not addicted to porn at all. I guess in a way, it is pretty gross to watch others do some sex act even though the lady is super hot! Why isn't she a such and such person and all for me only? I'm just joking, but my fantasy revolves around making sense for me. I just need one lady who is into such and such and has such and such. I have read on an article's survey of different women that she exists out there, so my fantasy can definitely be fulfilled!

In the mean time, I'm not stressing so much about it anymore and just open to finding some great help that will let myself climb into some opportunities. I'm trying to limit the amount of resources I use and want to save up my money, so I would rather wait since I feel like feeling successful while having enough money to get around doing what I love is part of growing my personal confidence!  

From what I'm learning about, feelings can change for the better or worse over time. It's like a girl I'm close to thought I was a brother to her and now she thinks I'm one of her great friends. This can open up romantic possibilities, which I don't want to force with my manly tendencies. Our compatibility might be growing to keep on getting bigger and off the charts, but the chemistry I feel could develop with her has been uncertain so far. 

There's another lady who I went on a date with while acknowledging each other as friends. She's pretty attractive, and I feel like she has something really good to offer also so it's another option to look out for later on. I think I might have a chance with some attractive ladies who feel they have been social rejects at one point!  It seems like ladies have this vulnerable side to themselves that you just want to be their knight in shining armor sometimes. 

Gaining Riches Over Time

I'm now believing the principle of consistency with hard work over anything that you see can bring a lot of riches from being successful, have had a little amount of success over, and learned to enjoy doing regardless of the annoyances of feeling like you are falling short sometimes. Basically, with programming or software engineering, I struggle sometimes to get it working effectively but I'm still game for putting my time into it to make it happen. It's quite fun and enjoyable for me even with all the stress I'm feeling sometimes. I have learned to really love it and feel so lucky that I don't have any anger issues related to my occupation. 

My secondary choices on the side are playing common zero-sum games for money. Trading stocks is a pretty good example of it, but I have chosen to go with trading foreign currency, since the trading pool is recession proof. It can get pretty torturous after having a string of losing bets, and the same with Poker. Right now, I have made about 400 million play chips in a few months of playing poker on this world famous app, which has probably only about 100,000 moderately active players. 

I don't mean to show off, but it's enough to put me at around the top 150 players on that site right now based on chip count. I had a fun battle against the chip leader the other day who has over 10 billion chips, and he wasn't joking around with me! I took only about 10 million chips from him in a session but it was well-worth the rush of winning a little off of him before I ran off. 

Figuring What I Want To Do

I figure that with all of the personal problems I feel from focusing so much on personal appearance and not being able to measure up to what I want; I have to just let it go now. I will have to settle for the best I can do and just deal with the dissatisfaction besides taking extreme measures like plastic surgery to change around my body. 

The only exception to this is that I did apply products to my hair like minoxidil to try to prevent hair loss. I have been gradually losing my hair, and I know about a hair transplant procedure where they take healthy hair follicles from your scalp and then implant it onto the bald spot of your head. Okay, I let myself suckered get into that because I do want to keep a full patch of hair. 

There's also the issue with wanting to be taller, like by maybe at least half a foot more since I really feel like a woman sometimes with the height I'm carrying around. I have talked to women and are great friends with shorter or slightly taller ladies, and they don't seem to hang on to the thought of being so short. My little sister looks pretty tiny, and she really doesn't care about her height and she has at times lifted her head up right next to me while laughing and comparing her height with my own! 

I was really touchy and sensitive about my height, and it may even prevent me from entering into a physically attractive romance with a gorgeous lady I dream of having, but in the end, if it's what I still really want then I'm going to have to look for it at a different and more intelligent angle. Basically, I was a total jerk because I hated my genes but then I learned over time to still be a nice person even when I feel toyed with because it's who I've always wanted to be. 

Things To Work On

I have been used to running at a relaxed pace now, and it's probably a lot faster than a person who hardly runs, but still, it would be nice to make some more improvements. This is where I'm realizing that going to gym and doing some strength training is going to be also important for me. I read that the best runners don't just run, but also put in some gym time. This statement really inspires me to get hit the gym now and spend a little time grinding to make my body sore and then recover in a couple days each week.

My poker sessions are getting better with me having better reads on my opponents. It's sometimes really obvious that you shouldn't call their huge bet because they have that card you are suspecting based on how the shared cards turned out. Sometimes, even though I feel like I'm heavily favored to lose, I just call it because I think I have to in terms of percentages. I even lose with pocket AA sometimes, and it really doesn't bother me anymore. I treat it like a regular loss that stings and move on to try again. Well, it has the best percentage of winning, and I want to have those kinds of hands much as possible going for me when I'm about to move all in. From playing in this manner, I'm now reaching 400 million play chips! It looks like I may need to reach 5 billion now to be a Top 10 player. I said last time I needed 3 billion. These Top 10 players are really that good so are able to keep on winning more in the name of just fun.   

Having Fun While Doing Something

Simply put, I'm totally open with sharing what I have going on here. Because the nature of this blog being pretty blatantly open, I have adopted a more sensitive approach over the years. I've tried making fun of people I couldn't stop feeling angry about like mainly Crazy Lee. It makes me want to personally laugh for admitting this right now. 

In a way, it is funny now because this nature was like so back then and I wasn't about doing any nasty or evil things to her. I sort of like it now with how I didn't do those things because it makes me just feel like I'm a better person than her.  

Finding Balance

I'm at a state of mind these days where I'm not really so worried about how I'm going to end up with now. I'm just going along with the flow and if the connection happens with someone and she reciprocates it back, then it's going to be awesome.

I'm pretty much worried about my future finances for the most part. I'm doing the best I can while going with something I enjoy doing just to make a living. Honestly, I feel really lucky to have this computer programming job. It's been a delight to be able to work on my own and to research while coming up with clever methods to improve the system I'm working on. 

It's just the matter of continuously working on it and what's so good about it is that I feel the passion and sense of purpose with doing a job like this. In a way, I feel extremely lucky and sometimes it's a stroke of genius that I'm blessed with and get to express just a hint of it to go along with my happiness of feeling like a know-it-all. 

Even with the finance issues and being distracted about it, I'm going to keep my heart open with finding someone and try to go for it whenever I feel comfortable. If I'm turned down, then it's not a big deal and I'm still going to be gentle about it since I don't really care now and see that to life, it doesn't matter who I'm going to end up with in time as long as I stay happy. Also, there's a lot of effort I want to constantly put in for myself and don't have any worries with how things are going to turn out. 

Holding On For The Best Prize

I'm getting some hits from all sorts of ladies who might not be the best looking physically. I don't really think looks matter that much. I still think this new girl I'm around for work is hot, even though I don't feel it sometimes. I guess when the opportunity arises, and I feel like jumping to the occasion then might as well go for it and see what happens. I used to think it would really suck to be laughed at for failing and became a little paranoid about it, but it shouldn't really be anything to worry about in the first place.

Finding a lot of different solutions later on, it really does take a lot of effort to improve things that are under your control. I honestly like doing that to make a living. I think the more important thing is to just accept how things are much as possible and be happy about it. I guess that's been my motto while being nice friends with a few beautiful ladies. I'm really comfortable these days with being around that crowd, and it's totally about exhibiting personal confidence. I don't seem to have too much trouble with it anymore. 

Letting Stuff Go

At this point in my career and life, I don't think what I have been fretting about even really matters anymore. Even with others doing things to me, it may have been mean but it still is not a big deal. I do try to be cool about it these days while going after things I'm interested in doing and staying relaxed about it. 

It doesn't matter to me if the lady I like isn't interested in me or never gets there. A lot of things don't really matter and even the friends who decide to leave me don't matter either. It's just the way life is sometimes, and there's really nothing much you can do about it. I would just like to stay cool about it and follow the rules of life much as possible. 

Just Joking Here

I feel like thinking, what in the devil, I don't see cops around like I used to! I honestly became a little paranoid from writing on here while feeling really toyed with. An average frustrated chump accused me of being a terrorist a long time ago from this blog. I don't really know what made him think that, except it started out after I wrote that he was an idiot for not visiting his family and doing his wild antics. It turns out that I may have been right about it all along!

He's pretty chill about it now, and I think he went into some therapy by the looks of it! Hey, therapy works for the most part. Without having done it, it looks like I'm managing my stressful thoughts a little better now. I still can't drop these thoughts to focus on listening to the Bible yet, but it's getting there!

Finding Comfort Through Repeated Exposure

I think a common mentality for old people who are still living is to think just forget about it, if it doesn't make you happy. This might make the saying to be true with how ignorance is bliss! I can't stand doing that, and I prefer to be a high quality individual by doing something about it. I have ghosted a few people even though it was getting irritating, but at least I heard their messages. I just couldn't get through to them.

Okay, now I think if I make the conditions favorable then that attractive girl who has been reading my messages and not responding to me while still being my Facebook friend will actually go out with me! It's just that I lack the know-how with getting there. I'm not really going to stress much about it, since I let her know that I believe in fate!  

I guess it's just about having fun and staying upbeat and positive about it much as possible. It's like watching that movie called Inside and Out which is a controversially, funny film. Its themes really try to touch upon mental health lightheartedly but it might still be concerning for some parents to let their young ones to watch. I had a good time watching it late night with my home girl! She's my best friend out of all the ladies I know. We are compatible and go beyond the universe or something like that with how star-crossed lovers would be joined, just that we experience zero chemistry. I think she's a gorgeous lady as a whole, even though she has her anxiety issues with her physical condition she was born with. She likes to blame herself for things she can't help, so she's getting therapy for it since she contemplated suicidal thoughts. I let her know that the world would never discover how special she means to it, if she ever did.

In a relationship that I have with my girl best friend, I think making those types of compliments which come straight from the heart are truly a joy for the lady to hear. I can tell that she was starting to show a sign with getting in that kind of good and loving mood. I welcome it, so I'm going to continue giving her compliments straight from the heart and while meaning it from anywhere in the world! I'm never expecting anything back from it either and that's really the key. 

Life Keeps Going

I think I'm getting a small reminder from trying to tune into the Bible daily. I'm just letting my mind wonder off sometimes and let my daily imagination play itself out. Sometimes, there's a little rage and that's pretty much the worst part of it. I end up just blurting out bad sentences that I don't normally say around others. I'm driving in my car and hopefully nobody has this car bugged to the point they can listen to my moody and personal pep talks. Okay, it might be very embarrassing since it is actually quite funny. I can see why a lot of good comedians rely on cursing to make others laugh.

For the most part, I'm doing good with holding it together. When I do listen to the Bible and hear something so profound and it makes me relate it to my past church issue and how I'm siding with what they did was wrong and how I'm going to present and justify it to them for some laughs; I can't really space out with all the fun I'm having without ignoring the next couple verses! 

It's just a small reminder to me that life is going to keep on going and that possibly those distractions could hold you back a little, so you have to be on your toes and alert much as you can. The Book of Proverbs is very attention grabbing and so good. It's like listening to the ultimate self-help guide. I think when I'm having a Bible listening session then I should really be about focusing to take in much as I can now, instead of letting myself connect with and stay glued to my angry or hilarious thoughts. The difference between an insane and sane person is that there's voluntary control to the amount that gets filtered from the head. If it's going on repeat and the person has to keep on apologizing while feeling bad about it, then yes it would be common sense to think he or she should find a therapist! 

For myself, I didn't really feel bad for how I acted out every once in awhile towards the people I kept on bothering. I apologized to them repeatedly and it's only because I still wanted to get along with them. They naturally thought I was crazy though, but they didn't notice that I observed they were having a hard time with being people they didn't want to be from resorting to angry outbursts. The Book of Proverbs says not to make friends with angry people, or else you can expect yourself to be put into some folly. It's true because that's where I ended up momentarily until I separated myself from them. Also, Proverbs mentions a fundamental with how applying knowledge and understanding will bring favor upon you, and it took some time for me to acquire this to gain reasonable confidence to be able to deal with them now. 

Working On Leaving It Behind

In all honesty, from having built up my confidence while arguing with angry people and keeping a clear conscience even though I'm flipping my handle, I feel very confident to approach angry people who know me personally and don't mind giving them a hard time about something I want from them. Since I haven't been doing what I never wanted to do in the first place and have it under control, I'm more graceful than those foolish individuals! It's just hard work naturally and not feeling like I'm putting in a lot of effort because I'm just consumed by what I want from them.

It's really not that hard anymore, once you get the hang of it. Something I've found works with guys is just using their angry views against them and turning around the tables while making them feel dumb about themselves. This is how I feel they are feeling with themselves. With the ladies, it really depends what you want them to do. If you want to date them, then good luck because I think it's a really dumb idea! 

In practicality, I have the attention of a girl with a husband who is half-moronic and nice. He is someone who I don't want to feel much affection for and not because he's just a guy even if that's probably 70% of my reasons. The same applies to another guy who I think is a weird scoundrel! 

My imagination is running wild now, and it isn't playing out to some sort of violence or me running away while defending myself now. I can literally see myself making all of this work for my happiness. It's just going to require a little work on my opening statements with these warped out individuals! 

Stepping It Up

Right now, it looks like I'm still chugging along and haven't landed myself Miss Right yet. She could be right around any corner for me now, and maybe she'll even not be interested in me initially. Who knows? I'm not really worried about it so much anymore. I think the idea of having sex with a beautiful lady I'm happily married to sounds like a wonderful plan! 

Other than that, it's just letting time go by and keeping myself positive while getting turned down by the women I'm interested in having some fun with. Hopefully, I'll land the right girl with good balance for me someday. I'm not so worried about the looks anymore and want someone who looks to be in decent shape with a nice rack to be honest!  Even if she doesn't have the nice rack which I think is highly probable considering the majority of nice and pretty ladies who were into me don't have it, well I didn't end up settling with any one of them. 

Actually thinking back, there was a really short girl who carried a large set but was a little overweight and I just didn't see myself being with her. There were also two dark-skinned Asian girls with large racks and taller than me too who showed some interest, but I just didn't feel comfortable that they were taller than me back then. Maybe the shortest one wasn't hot enough to me or I gave up thinking how she was dating somebody else. I could have easily made a move on her after she got over her ex, but I was a weirdo back then and can't believe she almost fell for me. 

Organizing Properly

Basically, the number one rule I have learned when it comes to organizing for your own success is that you have to be able to work and know how to do it! It comes with focusing on any goal you desire. It's really that simplistic at its core. 

I now realize that hard work is a very essential component to finding one's own success. It's sometimes going to feel like a drag because of having an off day, but as long as you can remind yourself, it's what you want to do then that's really the most important thing. 

Taking Rejections

In all honesty, getting rejected always stings a little. It can leave you feeling a little disorientated and even devastated. In some cases, people can get mad and if they have mental issues, they will go for stalking you or something like that. I can see why some ladies would prefer not to respond to a question of asking her out. I think it's pretty much safe to say it's because she wants to say no.

There's a point in time, you are just going to have to give up even though I had a girl who was reading and not replying to my messages, eventually write back to me and ask for a favor in exchange to do something for me. I pretty much shut her down but then years later, I just wrote again asking her out since I remember having this physical attraction when I first laid eyes on her. 

She went back to just reading and not responding. I don't actually know anymore, but I'm going to assume it's a sad no from her, but still a no which really doesn't matter in the first place. It's crazy but when a girl says no to me now, then I don't think it really even matters. I'm still going to play it like a gentleman even if I want to scream out insults from the top of my head! This could very well be why some hot ladies don't respond because they don't want to tick off guys who could become mean and scary from not liking them. Also, if a hot lady doesn't respond, isn't she worried that a guy is going to stalk her? Wow, this one lady is uncertain but I'm going to have to guess it's going to be a friendly no and time to move on.

Leaving It To The Imagination

I honestly wish I could go back in time and deal with those scrawny villains who had some anger management issues by stuffing them into a dumpster and then wiping my dirty hands clean without any soap or water right next to them! I would then have to rewind it back and live out how it actually went, which makes me want to sing, Another One Wants The Dust.

It didn't go that well for me because I didn't know what to do or think from wanting to be all about having acceptance. I couldn't even communicate this is what I wanted all along. They clearly were not having any of that with me and ended up not wanting to work with me on it. Oh well, I tried the best I could that time while holding back my rage and it ended up scaring them plenty since I wasn't letting up while they resorted to angry outbursts. It made them go for supporting a restraining order on me after! These are guys, I should add also and someone associated with them claimed we were all just a bunch of dumb college kids back then and that I should just let it go now. 

I honestly desire teaching all of them a lesson now and being very decisive about my thoughts and actions. I think everybody can agree here that those guys aren't worth stalking and not even worth a pretty penny of my time to keep dwelling on while holding a nasty grudge about it. It doesn't matter that they got away with it because I already did that possibly ten-folds against their will and they must want to still fume about it and repress it. In terms of numbers of incidents, I have the upper hand there, so I'll be working at forcing myself to let it go and continuing to be transparent with my fellow antagonists as these funny and highly agitating conflicts occur once in a blue moon!  

Still Very Lucky

I'm starting to see that I'm very lucky to be where I'm at, despite how I could still make things better for myself from applying hard work and keeping myself happy. I think I'm just a normal guy now who likes to dream big and go after them. I feel burdened by only two things now- it's having to put in the time and not feeling it sometimes.

I'm practically going to have to exercise self-discipline then which is pretty much forcing myself to go out there and do it because I know it's what I want for myself. I can only do the best I can for myself, even though I'm still a long ways to get to where I want to go. The best thing about all of this is that I feel much more happier than before and no longer feeling overcome with worries and depression. 

It's definitely a major leap forward for me, and how I wish I had some moments back so I can play them differently and then rewind it back to how it is right now. In a sense, I can only leave it to the imagination because I have accepted it, if it's not going to go my way no matter how hard I try.  

Enjoyment and Improving Along With Acceptance

Sometimes, playing Poker and relating it to life, things will sometimes not line up properly and create some losses. They do sting and can be frustrating, but the fact that you are still on the go is a testament to how we have so much to look forward to in life. It's just realizing it with patience and letting it go while staying in control from having self-discipline. 

The only thing that's really keeping us from reaching our goals is really the amount of time we put into it. It does feel disheartening sometimes, and it's easy to think back not so long ago with how still having something would have made it easier to reach our goal. It's just that the moment is gone and what we could be doing about it is trying to reflect upon our mistakes and not repeating them again. 

Sometimes, even though we have the best advantage at something, we still might not get it. Like on paper, I'm compatible with some ladies but they might be somewhere else and not about being with me for any reason. It's just something you have to accept while still chugging on through! This is the lesson I've learned from playing Poker with just play chips. I have over 250 million chips now and I blogged last month that I had at least 50 million. It's not bad. My current rank out of like 100,000 players is in the Top 200 range. I still have about 3 billion more chips to earn before I get recognized in the Top 10. It could even become more later on with the competition balancing each other out. We'll have to see, but I'm not going for the number one spot.    

So far I have a system in place that's working quite well and seems to be highly related to the real world of Poker. It's interesting with how something so random comes with noticeable patterns shared by other players alike and you can manage your chips based on any card that lands on the table. It's something that just reacts to any given situation while taking on comfortable risks. If I lose, then it's pretty much an oh well and looking forward to the next opportunity and building my bank roll as I look to get to the top of my game. I'm not looking to be an elite player compared to all those great pros. I just want to do enough so I could have fun and make a decent amount to support my miscellaneous expenses.   

Working On A Little Thing

Currently, I would like to discipline myself to take a shower right before going to bed and brushing my teeth. I don't know what's hard about it, but I can't seem to do it while very sleepy. I end up just giving up and changing into my pajama in like ten seconds, setting my alarm, and then looking forward to my weird dreams!

I guess I could try to take an extra ten minutes to bath myself in the shower, so I won't stink up my bed. It's not that noticeable to me since I'm not sharing it with anybody. There's another dude who likes to share the bed with me but he's also straight. We keep each other warm and joke about our intimacy. Overall, I don't really have anything against being friends with gay people. It's just that I don't agree with their sexual practices because it's just a Biblical belief thing for me. I'm not going to tell a criminal to not go break the law with something he wants to do, so in the same way, it's with these gay couples too. 

When It Comes To Love

I think in the end, personal preferences don't really matter when you come to the realization that you are truly in love with someone. I have a fantasy that I would like to live out with a certain type of woman, but it looks like I'm open to leaving it behind now if I meet the right person and find the right balance of compatibility and chemistry. 

There's a few girls who I feel a lot of chemistry with, since they love being affectionate with me. I appreciate them a lot but the compatibility would be something that needs to be worked on. On the other hand, there's my best lady pal who I have so much compatibility with but she's an asexual so I feel no chemistry with her at all. It could change later on since she's getting therapy for her anxiety and health issues and might not even be with me. It's okay because I accept how this life is and this fantasy that I have is something I'm willing to wait for until I find someone right for me to settle down with.

Overall, I don't think personal preferences matter so much anymore. Being rejected doesn't matter either. It's all a process and about continually making improvements, while looking for an opening with that spark and having shared interests which would look so good on paper.  

Putting In Some Long Term Effort

From playing Poker with play chips, I'm now at about 250 Million chips and ranking somewhere in the Top 200 players out of like 100,000 players now. It's been really about playing it safe and then fighting to win the pot and sometimes just trapping other players. It's pretty much what all decent Poker players do. My strategy has been just putting my chips at risk when I see myself having a slight advantage to win. It doesn't always work but if my chip stack has been rising like this then it must be okay. Mathematically speaking, as long as I'm able to maintain a slight lead it will hold out to win on the long term. I have noticed myself doing this for the most part, and I've only had a few breaks to beat other opponents who were holding better hands than me. The most brutal losses for me are when I had the slight lead and those contribute to most of my losses, so I think my strategy is holding out pretty well. I'm going to hang on to my core belief system of how to win and make some final adjustments as I push to make myself a Top 10 player on the site. 

What's pretty cool is that I seem to have this respectable table image. Players act like they want to fold when I bet, so I even get away with bluffing from time to time. It's really all part of my strategy, so the game is about creating an opportunity for yourself and just hoping to win it all mostly by making reasonable Poker decisions.   

Slight Update On Progress

It looks like my background on Forex trading is that I'm making the most sense out of it with learning two systems I paid the most money for. I just landed with the indicators and now I'm just going for doing my own thing in testing them. I feel the most comfortable with using them from catering to my own interests. Like one of the systems is normally about constantly monitoring the market and taking in all the profit that you can get. I don't really care for that because I would rather be playing after positioning myself with a favorable trade and just check on the market status like every eight hours. The other one favors trading during peak hours, but I would rather trade whenever it's convenient for me, so this is why I'm testing these systems while coming up with my own idea and doing whatever because winning or losing at this point doesn't matter. I'm playing the real market for free and testing my strategies!

After having played so random and losing a lot of short term trades, I've locked in on profitable trades that have lasted a few days and I'm learning to be comfortable about when to exit or if I should leave it in. It's a pretty fun game to play and hoping I get good enough to make this my lucrative side job so I could semi-retire someday. I'm also a software engineer by trade now and enjoy it too even if it feels like a hassle to get back started on it daily sometimes.