I was just thinking in my head about something silly and how another person might want to think and shout in his head with cuss words that he is losing his freaking mind! I was thinking about designing a pornographic video game and that person who felt was going crazy is probably me but buried underneath all these virtual dimensions of me and that doesn't spread out so far that I'm still in the me of the real world. Basically, my sanity isn't worth losing for making a quick buck. I think it's stupid because I would think it's funny and a little erotic at the same time, but there's just something wrong about it to my personal beliefs tied to living as a believer of Jesus being my savior. I want to show God some love and faithful obedience by going for crazy, consistent, and ultra sex in marriage! Yeah, I'll show how fun being married to the hottest girl in the world can be.
My parents would be like she has to be Korean and if she's butt ugly who cares, you fulfilled your expected duty to get married for our legacy. I'm like, screw it to them and who cares if I'm rich because I'll go for a clean girl who makes me happy and me back to her and that we actually are compatible sexually, so if that makes my parents go into the mental hospital then it's really on them for raising me for being such a bad son!
My mom already accepts my belief that she didn't invest enough of her personal time with me and I let her know that a few times what the ramifications meant for me. I think because she simply kept telling me lightheartedly that it didn't matter with being short and her making fun of people I know because of their height, it was driving me crazy because it felt like girls would be rejecting me because of how I saw my physical height. My mom didn't tell me directly that girls would be doing this to me and how to get by it.
It's annoying because my mother isn't that smart as she advertised herself to being. I sort of figured out that it's about getting used to accepting how things are and to have the rare gift of being able to stay consistent while continually working on yourself and coming across the right people in your life.
This basically ties into my belief of self-motivation. When you are looking for everyone to give you a high five and motivate you to keep doing something because it makes them happy, it's not happening at all. I'm talking about having crazy fans who care about you and them willing to go out of their way- like devotees. Maybe, I was secretly looking for that connection to happen, but it drives me crazy! So what am I thinking to have wanted all of that?
The self-motivation is about maintaining a self-confidence of knowing what makes you happy and idea of what you need to work on. It's about having a positive goal in mind that reaches the highest ideals of your plateau and believing you can reach it.
One of my buddies expresses how he's an idiot so feels like he's compromising with his situations and he talks stupid a bunch of times and that I had to walk out of his dumb world from getting fed up with him seeing things selfishly. He probably had something in mind with obtaining for himself dealing with people but failed to receive and is afraid of what others will be doing to him because of this knowledge and paranoia he has, so he's acting in that manner. He's also complaining about people who have better resources than him as out to get him, so he must have planned something that came out looking selfish whether he wanted it or not and just repressed it out of his mind because of the situation being so overwhelming to him. All of this as well is something he doesn't want to accept even though it's really me cracking down upon his thought patterns lately. I have mentioned this in way to understand for him and he's like "I know." He will still put all of his energy on what's bothering him, so in this case I can't be of support to him anymore and he really doesn't have anybody to begin with, so he's just going to have to realize it on his own which is certainly impossible from having an inferiority complex because he felt dumb while studying at school and not getting good grades, while being jealous of his siblings doing better than him and calling them so lucky. He's a pretty weird one and also conflicted but I now give up with trying to force him to have a stable mind and have to think of him as a stubborn person who doesn't want any therapeutic treatment. I'll just be honest with him for my own sanity and it's up to him if he wants to accept what I believe about him or not and then I'm not going to persuade and this is hard in that, I have to hold in my anger towards him and not put in more energy to convince him that my path is more correct than his. It's not my life that he's living so he's his own soul, whether the poor guy is doomed or not in the end and I'll be sad if he doesn't make it to heaven with me before I forget him after I'm dead.